random-musings2002

[random-musings2002]

I am the kinda person who gets overwhelmed with the littlest bit of affection, believing in my heart that I probably deserve none of it...

... but I am also the kinda person who wants to be loved so hard that my entire existence feels like a live story written in the stars...

[random-musings2002]

I just needed to put this somewhere.

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date at the mall, and we decided to pick out some clothes for each other to try on. While I was browsing through some shirts for me, some salesmen came to offer help, and they were suggesting stuff to him. And he just said "My girlfriend is picking things out for me."

I don't know, but that made me feel so happy and giddy. I literally had to walk away from there, trying to hide my blazing cheeks and the ear-to-ear grin on my face.

And he didn't even realise. He was actually genuinely surprised at my reaction and even asked me what happened to warrant a reaction like that.

That cutie. I love him.

[random-musings2002]

I was watching one of Taylor Tomlinson's stand-ups, the one where she says that her therapist once told her that she is a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

In case that doesn't ring a bell, let me elaborate. She recounts a time when she told her therapist that she had been cheated on, and her therapist told her that she might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said it means, and I quote, "Sometimes, we expect someone to treat us poorly, so we treat them like they are going to treat us poorly, until they do."

And look, I get it. I get that it's not a good thing. You are pretty much bringing about the bad things that you dread. But what is the alternative? To treat someone like they care about me even when I am not sure they do? I don't think that will make me a self-fulfilling prophecy, then. I'd argue me treating them like they care about me will only make them take me for granted and go on to mistreat me even then.

I don't think there is any way around it. I don't think there is any set rules that you can follow to make a relationship successful like that.

[random-musings2002]

You can do a hundred things right, but it'll always be the one mistake that people remember.

Bullshit.

Don't you come at me with that shit. We are students of STEM, and we have been taught that a single error is enough to classify a model as wrong.

So forgive me, but I am gonna apply that knowledge to real life as well.

Thank you for coming to my rant.

[random-musings2002]

Nothing gives you more confidence than perfecting that eyeliner wing.

Well, maybe it comes second to perfecting the same, symmetrically on the other eye too.

[random-musings2002]

I am going to share some personal stuff with y'all, and feel free to click away if it's not your cup of tea. I just needed to let it out somewhere.

A couple months ago, I got a job offer from one of the biggest companies in the country, and dare I say, the world. That too in times of recession, when I can see a lot of my friends literally struggling to get a job. The pay wasn't a lot, but it was good enough for an entry level position. Granted, the role wasn't exactly what I would have loved, but I was thinking of this as a temporary situation anyway. And starting off in a company like that, even having that on my resume was definitely going to be helpful for me in the future. Needless to say, I was pumped.

I was supposed to start with a six month internship after the New Year. But before I received my offer letter, something unexpected happened. No, it's not what you think, they did not let me down.

I received information from a third party, that I would need to shift across the country, to a city that has much higher living cost than where I currently live. Which poses a lot of issues.

A, it means I have to move away from my loved ones at a very short notice.

B, a cross-country move isn't even that small a deal.

C, I am still a full time student. While my university will probably cut me some slack, I will still have to attend certain events in person. Which will be difficult since one trip between the two places takes a day and a half.

D, I won't be able to sustain myself there with the amount I would get from the internship. Which means, I am going to have to look for a side job, or ask my family for help.

Yes, I had agreed to relocation when I had applied for the job. But the locations I had picked them weren't even presented to me in this. Also, I was expecting to have to do the internship in the branch of the company that is in my current city of residence, and then move once both my training and my college was done.

You might be wondering why I am saying all this. See, the thing is, this involves a major decision point for me. I can either suck up to it and go, which will involve figuring out a lot of the issues I listed, or maybe not even figuring out all of it. Or I can let go of something that is most certainly a lifetime opportunity and reevaluating my entire life plan.

I have always been against the rat-race. The hustle culture repulses me. I know that because of my background and situation, I don't completely have the liberty to do what I want to, and at some point, I would have to make some sacrifices. But I have always believed that to me, what is the most important is having internal peace. The money, the esteem, it all came afterwards.

I have been desperately looking for a sign for the past few days. Something that will tell me what it is I am supposed to do. I don't know why, but I have been having this very strong feeling that this is happening for a reason, that there is a lesson, a deeper meaning hidden somewhere in all of this.

Earlier today, it occurred to me, what if this is my test? My test to prove whether all that internal-peace-comes-first stuff is actually something I am ready to follow through?

I know that if I turn this offer down, especially in the current situation of the world, then a lot of people are gonna judge me. Even the ones close to me. And that will be hard for me, because I am sensitive to that kind of stuff. But if I actually believe in what I am doing, I will at least be at peace with my decision.

[random-musings2002]

I was reading through some old texts from back when I was in high school, and I realised something.

It's strange (and maybe kinda weird too) how back when we were younger, every single broken friendship used to feel like the end of the world. We would cry at every single quarrel with a friend , no matter how trivial. We would yell at each other with the meanest words we had, and then we would go up to them the very next day and try to make up with the biggest, most genuine sounding words we knew. I have had big dramatic break-ups with a lot of friends, filled with tears and sad words. Some of them, we overcame and some stayed. But that's besides the point. The point is, we were so emotional and so real all the time.

And look at us now. At this point, I have lost count of how many people I have lost. So many have walked out without a sound. Some of them stopped texting me with no explanation. Some of them I stopped texting because something they said or did gave me the ick. And some of these people were the ones I used to be the closest to growing up. Yes, it hurt. But now, it's silent. We don't fight anymore. We don't fight to tell them how they hurt us. We don't beg them to forgive us and stay. We just... accept it and move on.

I don't know if this is a good thing. I know that this is more of a personal thing than a general thing as well. I don't know, maybe if we had been louder, maybe we could have still been in contact. Or maybe it was better to have cut them off over the smaller red flags than to keep people around just for the sake of emotional attachment.

Either way, life goes on and our emotions probably take a backseat, giving the steering to reality.

[random-musings2002]

Long distance is so hard sometimes.

For some people, they just need to get through the night till they wake up and see their loved one in class or at work in the morning.

For some others, they just need to get through their school/work day so that they go home to their person.

For me, I have to spend months just yearning for him, to see him, to be around him for a few hours. And then it's back to the same lonely life, missing him every moment of my day.

[random-musings2002]

All my life, I have been very into the idea of self-learning. Especially because I came from a lower middle class family, and the idea of being frugal was imbibed into my subconscious from a very young age, albeit unintentionally. So, while my classmates would have extra tutoring lessons besides school almost as a given, I tried to resist. Don't mistake me, my parents would never get me or my sister anything less than the ideal, especially when it came to our education. So they insisted that I get tutoring classes too, fully believing that it will help with my studies. I gave in too, partly due to their insisting, partly due to peer pressure, and partly because I did not know any better then. But now, as I grow up, I realise more and more that I personally, am someone who thrives better once allowed to progress on my own terms. I prefer not being tied to a strict schedule, and instead making my own decisions. I do like having a schedule to abide by, but one that is determined by my own desires and my own priorities. For most of my life, I have struggled with asking for help. So I learnt to help myself. And now, dare I say, I have grown to be pretty good at it.

[random-musings2002]

What with all these earpods and Bluetooth headsets... what about the inherent romanticism of sharing a pair of (wired) earphones with your crush or your partner, and having to scooch over closer to you in order to be able to do it...

[random-musings2002]

Do y'all ever listen to a song and it just reminds you of someone in a way like, I wish they would dedicate this to me? Those are the words I wish they ould say to me?

[random-musings2002]

Standing in a cool breeze in a flowy dress and your hair down is a kind of therapy in itself.

[random-musings2002]

I realise that I haven't been happy for a while now. And I have been avoiding that fact for a while. As a matter of fact, I have been avoiding my feelings almost entirely for a while. So much so that other people having feelings angers and disgusts me. Maybe it is just the frustration from not having expressed or even actually felt my own feelings for sometime.

[random-musings2002]

I don't think anything will ever come close to the period of time before we started dating.

The world was in a chaos and everything was scary and uncertain, and in the midst of all that, you and I were right there beside each other, separated by a screen but still closer than ever before. You were my biggest source of stability and hope in those times.

And how can I forget the gradually learning to open up to each other, the nervousness of navigating our nameless relationships, the utter denial of the very obvious feelings. Everything was new and daunting, and yet so exciting at the same time.

We had all the time in the world and we spent most of it together, for our worlds hadn't separated yet. Sharing everything with each other felt so comforting.

I had been lonely for so long before that, and you brought light and happiness into my life again. I know it was one of the worst times for the world, but it was one of the best times in my entire life.

[random-musings2002]

Maybe us low-maintenance folks are actually harder to maintain...

Ten out of a hundred is only ten percent.

But ten out of ten is a full hundred percent.

We ask for a little, but if we don't get that little bit, we get nothing. The difference is little and yet so big at the same time.

[random-musings2002]

Is it too fucked up that I look at media that people are complaining about because it wasn't the ideal ending, and I go "I mean, that's how life is, no? I think it's pretty damn perfect."?

[random-musings2002]

Sometimes, she does some things, and I am just reminded that maybe I underestimate how strongly she loves me.

Like, the other day, when all that shit went down, and that poor girl, she was in the verge of a panic attack, the way she was clutching her hands and she could barely speak properly. And yet, when I was texting the others about where we went, she noticed and moved so that she was the one walking on the traffic side of the road and not me. Because I was on my phone.

I love that girl. She is so amazing. I don't know what I ever did to deserve an angel like her.