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This is the worst week of my life

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I just start to realise Taylor swift is not my fave artist just because I like her music, or tradition, or something amongst those lines. It’s her music that gets me going when I don’t wanna do things, when I’m paralysed by anxiety, when I’m demotivated. It’s her that pushes me when no one else could.

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One advantage of always being private about your sexual life and looking virginal is that you get to turn into an absolute whore, and still not raise a brow in your circle because sex was never a topic you discussed.

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(Im tipsy)

Lingering is such a weird concept to me, beautiful and torturing. It is when something that used to be there isn’t there anymore, it’s the longing of something, but not conscious, when the memory of said thing remain, their aura, smell, their spirit is within you even if they don’t know it, and sometimes you don’t neither. It’s almost a shadow lurking around your every move, wondering if it’s your mind or you’re actually gonna find that around the corner. I feel like it’s a feeling of longing, but involuntary, you don’t wish you to have it, you don’t don’t know why you have it, but you do. It remains…it lingers… he lingers. And it ignites curiosity, sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to regain contact a few years from now and he’ll see me as an equal, if I’l even care then, but rn he’s away, he’s far, even when sometimes I wish he wasn’t, and even when sometimes I wish he were but he feels closer than ever. Yet the distance is so undeniably large you have no option but to move on, and you do.

But he lingers…still around every corner, haunting your every thought…it lingers…

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It's so weird to listen to songs that I used to feel to the bones, that I use to relate deeply to people, and now it's almost as if they were just songs. Posts in this same blog that now feel so foreign to me...Its so weird

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Idk why it feels like I will always remember your birthday, and how I am always debating whether or not I should greet you for it. It'll go with a sad "happy birthday teddy" and you will answer thank you, and I will leave that message on seen because, what am I supposed to answer? Maybe you will throw in a happy birthday too if you dare remembering my birthday is three scarce days before yours, and then I will confirm how everything was in my mind, and you will be reminded that for me, you will always be special. And it doesn't pain me anymore, it doesn't torment me. But its a lingering sensation, an eager curiosity that will remain...it will remain.

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Sometimes I feel empty for Jeffrey Dhamer. And whilst I dont commend his actions, but amongst all the serial killers I´ve learnt of during my many years in the true crime hobby, he always stood out to me to be, not only one of the most prolific, fascinating, twisted and known serial killers, but due to the emotional nature of his crimes. At the end of the day, he just wanted to be loved, and ate his victims in the belief their souls would always stay with him.

Sometimes I wish I had eaten a bit of those who are no longer in my life, to carry them wherever I go. It's the lack of capacity to make them stay that leads you to think "Even if just a small bit of them could stick with me". Maybe I am extremely nostalgic or stuck in the past, but there's a feeling you get when you feel disposable, and knowing you will never be remembered in the same glistening halo as you'll remember them. That makes you want to bind them for life, its the need for reciprocation.

I recently reached out to teddy looking for answers. And the mf answered(he better). And now I feel I have moved on, and now I know I was never special to him. But I wish I had been, I wish I could bind him to me in the same way im bind to his memory. And not only him, the guy I fucked at the end of the conference, the cute guy from club...Just wishing to be someone significant in the same way they were to me, just wishing to not be alone in this emotion.

I sometimes wish I could eat boys to carry them with me everywhere I go.

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To think you were a moment in time and will seemingly never come back, and I’m here stuck in the reminiscence of when you could make me yours by just turning a finger. Your mere existence is only knew for those who know, and the rest is stuck in the unknown. Blankly staring at the horizon over the chatter of my friends and family, just trying to grasp once again the idea of you. The sweetest moment in my life encapsulated in one night, a limited time frame that now seems like a fever dream, a moment that doesn’t exist. All the meaningless encounters fade away at the shine of you, and how the light beams you exert are so beautiful and comforting, yet destructive to me and everything I thought I had built. What now? It’s a loop of self conviction and self disdain, just to arrive back to the beginning… who is me after you? Yet you will always remain the same, you were unphased by me, whilst I was transmutated by you.

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I have crashed and moulded you into my ideal version of you

one that only ever existed in my mind but based on your actions

and to this day I am haunted by your silhouette in the dark, by the sight of your body and by your touch

I can still feel you breathing in my neck as you slept with your arms around me, wondering what had I done to deserve heaven, but little did I know that was the gateway to hell

That sweet sensation revolving your glance soon turned sour

and the retrieving gums in your smile began to rot

what once had felt like a blessing is now a curse

and the phantom of the image that I created for yourself stalks me in every corner

the golden boy never cracks, and sometimes I pity you

but mostly I pity myself, because just as everyone else, I tried to show the best version of myself just for you

and just like most, I failed to impress

I crashed, and I burnt, and very little is left from me now

will said ashes be able to hold up for life?

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Dear teddy...

You probably won't even notice, as you never cared about me on a minimum, but you cannot longer reach me. This was one of the toughest decisions I've ever made, as I had never met someone that made me feel in a similar way as you. But now I know you never felt the same way about me, that I was never as special as I thought I was to you.

Now I know that nothing I had in me was worth the wait, that I was insignificant in your life, that a moment I thought was special meant nothing and that at the end of the day, I was another buckle on your belt. Are you really capable of love? thats what I ask myself as I write this, were your past relationships based on true feelings or perhaps where you just compromising in order to get it your way in whatever twisted benefit you got from them. Where you always like this? Did you ever lie to my face? I wonder, and I wonder and I wonder, how many times was I stupid enough to believe you? I played nice but now I can't deal with it anymore, I can't keep pretending it doesn't affect me to allow myself to live in your shadow so that you're pleased by me.

I can see how you live off foreign praise, why is that? maybe it is related to how insufficient you feel with yourself, or maybe that was just another lie you told, at this point im led to believe you are not even real. It pains me, it hurts, like nothing has veer hurt, to know it ends so abruptly, but I dont even want closure, I just need peace. I can't keep living in the what if and this can no longer control my life in the way it has been doing it for the last few weeks, I hereby reclaim myself.

It is not easy, and I want you to know that. For once, no one has fucked me like you have, no one has turned me on like you had. And on the other, no other man in my life has hurt me like you, no one showed me that level of love just to drift into the life of a slut leaving me waiting for a call. You took a kid reclaiming his sexuality and having fun and turned him into a handful of nerves, a stress factory and someone who, for the foreseeable future, will feel incomplete. And it is all your fault. you were not careful enough to treat me with less care, but you didnt care enough to be more careful. And I see there is nothing wrong with me.

It still pains me, because never in my life did I wanted this to end like this, I always wished for this to be maintained in time, but I guess I was wrong. And even as I regret cutting all ties with you before giving you the chance to retract your words, but all is said and done, and I need to forget.

Love,

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There are somethings you're just no ready to let go off just yet, not before you know you are closing the door for a good reason. It is hard to keep track of all the possibilities behind his actioning, and it is sometimes weird to relive the memories in your head of what seemed to be a spark. Wondering if everything was a lie or if, on the contrary, he was proving to be what he said he was, while also being an utter asshole. If the look in his eye meant something, if I did. What made me so special yet disposable? And was everything a lie?

I know I should be over this for sure, but when you're treated in a particular way that has been so foreign to you for so long, you cannot help but wonder, if that little beam was real or an illusion, if an artificial intelligence can understand that it was real, why can't you accept it was? and if an atificial intelligence knows you should let go, why dont you?

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This art is from October 2021... since i deleted twitter and my art insta only still exists because i forgot the password, i figured i might as well back some art up here. not all of it, i drew a lot of cringe, but 1 or 2 things do hold up from that time.

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Was it all an ego strike for him? cause if it was to make1 himself feel better I would've done it if he had asked, I would have done anything for him to feel good, yet he decided to take what was not his to take, he decided to play with me beyond the limits of what was fun and overstepped into my wellbeing. If it was all a lie why lie? if he felt guilt why stay? it would've been so easy to walk away yet im here expecting, waiting for him to be back. He won't, because even though he showed me care in a way no one else ever had and now he has showed me a level of indifference I had never received before. How much slack are you cut for being young? So far I feel like people has been utterly tolerant, smiling my way at my mistakes and finding joy or satisfaction in my innocence. Well, not him.

[randomcontentdude]

Reading 1-08/03/2025 00:55

About: Final gala MUN fling with my chair.

Question 1: Show me who he is

King of cups: An authority male figure that may present himself as distant but holds true and deep connections, this is someone that can present great advice for you. it has a rather positive implication.

4 of cups: Apathy is the most treacherous path, you have to find new ways or your goals will remain unachieved.

Observations: Both are belonging to the house of cups, the house of love. He has been distant ever since that day however we are bound to see each other at some point, is it referring that he has to step out of the apathy and come forward to me? He was my superior during the conference so it matches as a figure of authority.

Question 2: What did it mean (what happened)

8 of wands: A breakthrough, a liberation of energies and the opening of a path. All positive. A work-intensive period is to come but it comes with the best of implications.

Observation: moving on from personal fights? unlocking doors that were before closed?

Question 3: What will this be in the near future?

2 of wands: Achievement, alliances, knowledge and self-sufficiency. Trust your intuition.

Observation: Something good is ought to come from this.

Question 4: Who will he be in my life?

The sun: All things good, all good news, light

Observation: He is a bearer of good news? im unsure of what will happen but things are coming up...