raspberry-bleach

[raspberry-bleach]

sestina

O lady, my redeemer, sanctify The blood around my mouth Heady wine of our lord, Wrath of my king- Retribution for my love, Recumbent for the seraph.

O lady, how wretched the seraph! How lovely she may be. You sanctify My soul, heavy with love For a mouth I cannot have; atone to the King, Guide me to our Lord!

O lady, hear me now, praise be the Lord! The gaze she holds does burn, sweet seraph I do yearn. Angry is the king Who I have yet to please- they sanctify The grounds by which her mouth Does come to mine. There is love,

O lady, There is love Pure as rain. My lord I pray you hear my plea, the mouth From which these words do ring; sweet seraph- How she sanctify My very heart, stolen from our vengeful king.

O lady, hail the leviathan king! There is but love Corroding my heart, he’ll sanctify What he doesn’t see. My lord Can’t you see? There’s a seraph In the corners of my mouth,

O lady, the bloody corners of my mouth, How I beg thy righteous King! Saint of my pain, seraph Of my plight! Fatty is the love Tearing at my chest. My humble lord, Guide me to your father, please sanctify

My ruinous mouth From which I spit thine love

Wretched, spiteful, at our king. Look, my Lord!

See as she bleeds me dry! Devoted to the seraph Whose teeth I sanctify.

[raspberry-bleach]

something about asking where you were last night

i'm always going to cry when we argue; You're so hellbent on making yourself miserable And i make myself sick Trying to pull you out.

You are a pendulum- i, the wheel.

We share this knowledge Of moving in the same direction, Caught in the same movements But we don’t move the same.

You're walking towards the door, And i'm still lying in bed.

losing things i thought i’d always have

Did it ever occur to you that in the liminal space holding each atom together, i was right there? Leaning up against you? You revolve in a circle, i'm stuck in an ecliptic- Unbalanced orbit of What wasn't meant to be.

[raspberry-bleach]

Contrapasso of My Love & Agnostic Tendencies

don't sit back and wait but don't blindly pursue i blister thinking about you, and i'm

corroding, can you feel it? can you feel it?

have i ever been holy enough or wholly enough for you?

is it sacrilege or blasphemy, the way my devotion to you tastes a bit like hate

looks a bit like worship

and acts like the real thing, feels like the real thing

and don't you loathe it, me

you

loneliness leads to compensating leads to lower standards leads to

you

anything to have something everything to have someone

divine retribution for your original sin.

[raspberry-bleach]

planet pure

He’ll heel at hymns, heal humanity 

Is it in vain? The vane points to veins of universal blue blood,

Everyone and their due desires, everyday new morning dew

A wright writes rites whistling ballads of rights,

An aria of aspirations, air grievances to heirs 

And it weighs, trying to find the way home 

Such dissent descents dream, still looking for worldwide refuge 

Whether he lets weather wear wishes away 

Some still holy, still wholly watch holey hopes betray

Seers see sere fields- seared?- or psalms sung dry summer  

 Earth’s maids made vials vile to euphoria’s earth

Crooning censored left ashes in censers, sensor centric at creations center 

Rays glorifying razed towns once raised houses like elevated faith now in the ground

In the mouth of a whale behind wales wailing clams curled pearls in purl stitches 

Overthrown thrones of quartz fill quarts of rain-drowned reigns tangled in reins 

Knights arisen from bloodied nights, fallen greaves drive the scene seen 

This unfazed new phase lapse of judgment laps around a cross

Words ate from the mouths, eight from the drouth 

Steel bards steal metal bars, young songs stare at the sun, hope unfurls, 

A new doctrine for a new world.

[raspberry-bleach]

sixed

Ⅰ. Pixie-winged dreams, flammable tissue paper to the touch & to taste & richly dyed to rub off, lick off thin fingers

sugar.

Ⅱ. Handwritten sugar-plum ink, swirly cursive on stained purple teeth & decadent delicacies & lowly lovely lovers

divinity effeminate, hollow bird bones

Ⅲ. Reins bejeweled throned upon throats, the reign rains crystal teardrops the liquid sodium

& stick your tongue out

Ⅳ. Love her! Him! Everyone! So easy to love the objects of our intimate insentient ornaments/ what can’t speak back

taste the ground/ dirt/ salt

reject. Rejoice! Remember or forget

Ⅴ. Clear waters of cool alkaline almost blue unify in bits of still frozen still ice crusted to the edges for posed pleasure

to chill ruddy cheeks the sticky rosy blood

Ⅵ. What’s not meant to be understood weighs lit-up storm clouds & dry ice lighting to strike and burn and reduce

it is ash/ all it ever was

[raspberry-bleach]

Geranium

and the femininity i tried so hard to get rid of, still lingers in my throat 

i run through rain, feel water seep into my shoes;

the rips in the canvas, the tears in my skin

i pick at my cuticles, pull at my hair 

bite my lips until they bleed, drink caffeine until i boil;

and i want your possessions to cover my space,

your fragrance to cling to my skin; i want every part of you.

whisper cheap cliches along the husk of who i am;

your love, your life, the sun to your solar system

how feeble is that?

how dull-witted you must be, analogizing humans to the sun

she who brings light illuminates flora and fauna alike

sustains all tirelessly, selfishly

her altruistic act

and we who annihilate without mercy, rip our mother earth to shreds

we chew our way out of the womb, not waiting for our mother, not waiting for her moons

homo sapiens, made to ravage each other, reproduce

in lust, in revulsion

cannibals of their own making, consuming each other until one runs dry

filthy, feral humans

who know nothing of the sun,

nothing of the billions of years she’s served

unable to even comprehend the number, how fatty it rests on our tongues

it’s always been her burden, one we can blissfully ignore

we steal from this land, rip trees from roots bare

bark, skin, peeled and cleaned

we purge, we bleed

the cycle, night and day, conception and cessation

imperfect red

the warmth i can’t feel

what's not strong enough to seep through my windows, heat up my face

melted sunsets that get smeared with ruddy fingers

it all comes back to you.

[raspberry-bleach]

Bedtime ritual

Pupils framed with sticky eyelashes,

crystalized peppermint tea

Ivory skeleton

And a quartz-like heart

i long for a loving touch, though i know not how to love

Slick spit, slippery sweat,

Carmined cheeks;

The sheen of feverish skin

i am ablaze with spiteful, searing resent

Raw lips, laced lips, tactical tongue

Spiraled sternum, spongy stomach

Soft curves, serrated nails

i am a lie, a liar, a Labyrinth of Lust

Severed nose, smashed hips

Snapped ribs, splintered wrists

A tempestuous trachea,

An ill iris

i perfume myself with acrid expressions

Bruised knees, bloodied hands

Strained lungs, stiff spine

Salted tears and sodium alike,

i fantasize a real passion; desperate grabbing;

messily kissed

only to sit alone,

my vacant abyss.

[raspberry-bleach]

The man who would sit in his front yard to smoke cigarettes stuck out in a neighborhood of alcoholics. Adults don't smoke cigarettes where I lived, yet this man did. In a white picket fenced yard, I'd stare at his figure as I walked in the dark, wondering if there was really someone there or just another shadow.

[raspberry-bleach]

7/13/22

dizzy, ditzy, trembling, a mess

lips chapped, knuckles bloodied

torn cuticles

and sleepless nights

the same sing lyrics

carved into my wrists

empty stomach, too much information to digest

sore muscles, a stiff vertebrae

glitchy, twitchy mind

my ears won't stop ringing

and i am scared of wasting time

puffy gums, chewing gum, teeth poking out

hunched over,

curved spine

oh, just give me a solution

lick alcohol off the wounds

looking for a buzz

veins popping out

minds turn to fuzz

i think my self destructive nature

will never go away

no need to wake up,

rather,

turn out the lights

[raspberry-bleach]

i will never get up again

fallen victim to what we do best,

and it's horrible because we do nothing.

i do nothing

there's a chemical

at first there were too many,

but now there's not enough

only i am sick enough to put my faith into the future,

sick enough to hurt myself

just because i can

throw thumb tacks on the floor

to practice walking on eggshells (only around you)

they'll try their best to unwind the mess i've become,

but it's hard to unwind what's been bound so tight

and i have been under so much pressure,

so overwhelmed with the sheer labor of maintaining a life

it's all i can do to not grab the scissors

and cut out my veins

(i'll do it anyway)

i don't know how to start

and i don't know how to stop.

hit myself again and again,

this way i’ll never get up. 

[raspberry-bleach]

the future is indigestible

yet my hunger for it is all consuming,

something to devour,

desire to feel sustained

fulfilled

a hole in my stomach

and a void of time

[raspberry-bleach]

7/30/22

i live in filth,

wretched and cold

i will spiral onto messy floors

littered with pieces of me

broken pressed powder

clothes tossed aside

hundreds of things to do

and i can't even move

i live in grime

soured skin, eyes lined

sharp corners, ripped flesh

too scared to breathe

24 hours has lost their touch

and i have lost time

i live in murky Waters

no use trying to see

or even really trying

eating plastic, breathing oil

where are my gills?

how did it come to this

where did i go?

for so long I was human

and how i don't know

a now polluted vessel

with nowhere to go.

[raspberry-bleach]

8/12/22

i have begun to enjoy the feeling of physical emptiness. Hunger. Sometimes i can feel it in my chest and head, much different from the emotional emptiness (an aching chest, sharp head.) i feel lighter. More in tune with my body. i have also been told this is wrong. This feeling, this lust. i should not want to feel this way. The type of people who feel this way are sick. i am not. i am well. i often wish that i could go longer than without eating. That i could truly be satiated with just water and sunshine. Like a tree, and i guess i’d be okay with that. Being a tree. Maybe one of those trees that are hollow on the inside. It’s fun to imagine being a being whose entire life is at the mercy of the universe. Stationary, yet more alive than anything else; i want the universe to hold and protect me without tirelessly working for its good grace. Does the universe mind that i reject its food, its nourishment? How could i explain it’s better this way, i’m better this way. A bit calmer, lighter, foggier. i’m not sick, and it doesn’t matter because this writing will never see the light of day. It doesn’t matter because i will break my fast again and again, every single day because i am not a tree and no matter how long i sit in the sun i am not satiated. i am starving. The universe will feed me because it’s her job and who am i (so small, so empty) to push it away? i have tried fighting the universe, i continue to, but against eons of existence, i am nothing. i want to be (nothing.)

[raspberry-bleach]

Messy rooms

And a messier family,

i have been here since i was three

Thin walls,

And thinner patience

i have began to fear the kitchen

Slanted floorboards,

Wavering faith

How long can i sit in one place?

Too tightly bound by the rules of heaven 

A cynical kid by the age of 11

Twelve hours in the morning

Twelve in the afternoon

Too many spent in the house of blue

Rip open the plaster,

In hopes of home

Look for a family

Only to find some bones

[raspberry-bleach]

less words

to be more digestible

i am a product

that longs to be consumed

[raspberry-bleach]

i am green-eyed jealousy

longing after dirtied bodies

unsent letters

flesh against flesh

i am shaking hands

grasping at something more

only to realize it's all in my head

i am fumbled words

poisoned with regret

chipped nail polish

and aching veins

i am never-ending consumption

sickly eating

so much demand

yet nothing to supply

i am disappointment

different reflection every time

a tongue that never sounds right

i am the wrong person

wrong time

strung along until i choke on my words

and i always do

i am too many thoughts

too much matter

too many words

an original thought

but nothing new

i'm blindness in a time of beauty

bleached-out hair

three symmetrical scars

a missed connection

i am a name i cannot say

a mind too much to bear

365 days in a year

an eternity wasting time

[raspberry-bleach]

i know that this is what  wanted 

oh, i'm well aware

but sometimes

sometimes i miss your head on my chest 

or our arms linked together

heads ducked

words spilling between us

too much to say 

and too little time

but i looked at you for the first time tonight

and realized it was gone

realized

that maybe it was never there 

and honestly that hurt more than the first part