raspberryrachel-blog1

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

I'll admit sometimes I go crazy when things just arent working. But then my Higher self reminds me that I can either choose to go crazy or remain calm. I can fight the storm or roll with the punches. Learning to allow myself to feel my emotions and learn from them without them overtaking me has helped immensely. It's ok to get frustrated or angry or upset. Just don't unpack and live there permanently. Figure out what's going on at a deeper level and then find a solution. You got this!

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

PSA for people without food allergies

Ok if you are at Starbucks or any coffee shop and you accidentally grab someone elses drink and you realize that it's the wrong drink after you open it to pour cream or whatever else into it, DONT JUST PUT IT BACK ON THE COUNTER AND WAIT FOR YOUR DRINK. TELL THE BARISTA THAT YOU ACCIDENTALLY GRABBED THE WRONG DRINK AND ASK THEM TO REMAKE IT.

This is for a couple reasons:

1. You wouldn't want to drink out of a cup that some random stranger has touched and potentially fucked with so why would I?

2. If you put anything extra into the drink, like oh some cream, and then realize it wasn't your drink and you don't say anything, the person who orders it probably won't pay attention and will just take a sip and if they have severe food allergies like I used to, you could send them to the fucking hospital. I can't tell you how many times baristas have fucked up my drink and I've spent the next 12 hours next to a toilet and puking my guts out.

I'm not saying this is make you feel like shit (ok maybe I am) but how fucking hard is it to simply own up that you made a mistake and didn't make sure it was your drink before you grabbed it?

Maybe to me that's just common decency and common sense but apparently not as today I watched an older gentleman grab my apple cider without looking at the name on the cup, walk over to the bar, open it and start to pour cream in it before putting the lid back on and then stealthy putting it back with the other completed drinks. I didn't bother to grab it since I saw my name was on it after he put it back. I flagged down a barista and asked her to remake it because the dude had grabbed it and fucked with it. She was like, oh no problem. The dude avoided eye contact with me the whole time.

Like wtf? If you fuck up, own it, apologize and move on.

Worse, if that would have happened 3 years ago, and I didn't see him pour cream into my cup and just drank it, my throat would have closed up or I would have thrown up, depending on how much cream was in there (plus cream in apple cider is fucking disgusting).

Just an FYI for people who don't understand how serious food allergies are and a reminder to just own your mistakes. It's not that fucking hard.

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

Depression smiles

“You don't look depressed. You are always smiling!”

Depression isn't pretty and often times its easier to hide the ugliness than face other people's judgements.

What depression really looks like is staying in your pjs cuz you don't have the energy to change. Its staying in bed because you can't will yourself to get up. Its ugly crying with mascara and snot running down your face, you hair a mess because you haven't washed it in days.

But that's only when its it's really bad. Most days are good days for me. It's only when I haven't had enough sleep or been around too many people or I'm going through an uplevel that it pops up.

It used to be a daily thing though. And I would fake it. I would smile and be nice and polite so people wouldn't see that I was drowning in pain.

Now I don't really give a fuck if people see me ugly cry. I have spent most of my life hiding my tears or stuffing my emotions, tucking them away neatly so no one would see them. All that did was make me feel hurt all the time and continue to be hurt.

Then I learned to release the hurt when it comes up in a healthy way, like crying. Crying is actually super healthy for you!!! It cleanses your soul out. And it's totally normal (yes for you men too! You guys need to cry too!! Stop holding back the tears and let them flow. Crying does not make you less of a man.. in my eyes it makes you more of one because it shows me that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and vulnerability is true strength. Hiding everything and stuffing it down is weakness.. dont feel bad, I did it too).

But for most of my life, if I was hurt by someone, I would cry by myself, usually in the shower, where hopefully no one could hear me. I'm still learning to speak up when someone hurts me because tbh most people don't know when they have hurt you and will keep doing the same thing over and over again until they see and know that it hurts you. They can't change what they aren't aware of.

And so yeah, my depression isn't super visible because I don't go out in public with my hair all greasy and in my pjs and mascara everywhere. I stay at home and hide. So no one sees it. But if you passed me on the street looking like that, you would probably be concerned. Or maybe even cross the street to avoid me because I was too hard to look at with all my misery worn on my body.

Depression is ugly. It's not pretty. It's not lounging around eating bon bons. Its a soul tearing gut wrenching abysmal feeling.

But I still hide it anyways for your protection.

Fun fact: my depression first started when I was about in 2nd grade. I would feel super gloomy for no reason and I couldn't understand why (I know now though!). But I would still smile and fake being happy, even though I felt miserable inside.

I competed on a gymnastics team and my teammates all had different nicknames for me, often along the lines of Bubbles or Pepsi (because it was bubbly) or different toothpaste brands because I would always be smiling and appear happy. But I was always so anxious and stressed that I used the smiles as a way to fake it.

You get really good at hiding it if you believe no one cares about you.

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

Depression is a mother forker.

Mine has gotten better from its worst point but it's still there and it pops up at really inopportune times.

Then again, I did set the intention a few months ago to fully heal it and wow its it's been a ride.

But I feel like I'm getting closer to healing it for good.

There are definitely some big lessons I've learned. Like one that I learned this morning, that depression is a symptom of feeling paralyzed.

I was feeling funky this morning and so I did my normal, ok what's really going on here, mindset work and what came up was that I was feeling paralyzed.

I had already worked through feeling helpless, powerless and like a victim and I don't feel those anymore. I feel like I have the power to change my life but things just aren't shifting the way I want them to.

Because I was feeling paralyzed.

I know exactly what it stems from and it's the fight, flight or freeze defense mechanism. Its basically my brain saying, WHOA NELLY EVERYTHING IS UNSAFE SO LETS ACT DEAD AND BE PARALYZED SO NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN.

Although tbh, its it's a really shitty defense mechanism because bad things happen and if all you can do is sit there, frozen, it fucking sucks.

When someone is verbally assaulting you and all you can do it sit there and take it instead of walking away or fighting back, yeah that fucking sucks.

When someone is manipulating and gaslighting you and you know its happening but you feel frozen in place, yeah that sucks.

When someone is forcing themselves on you but you literally cannot get your body to move and the only thing you can do is cry but they ignore your tears, yeah that really fucking sucks.

When you want to change your life so fucking badly but no matter what you do, you get stuck in the same fucking patterns over and over and over again, yeah that fucking sucks.

And that paralyzation creates more feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness and depression.

It's a nasty cycle that's easy to get stuck in (see the photo below), especially if you were emotionally abused or neglected as a child.

So how do you get out?

I'm still not out of the woods yet, but what has helped me to handle my depression is to release the need to feel and be helpless, the need to feel and be powerless, the need to feel and be paralyzed.

Its helped me to take back my power and at least start dreaming bigger and believing that my life will change someday. That has helped alleviate so much of my depression, just having faith that things will change eventually and that I have some power over it.

I'm still learning how to deal with super bad thoughts, like some I had this last weekend, but I promise to share once I have a better way of dealing with them.

There is hope to healing your depression. Just letting you know that you aren't crazy and you most definitely are not alone.

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

I finally learned how to tightline my eyeliner at almost 30 fucking years old.

Now I feel like a badass.

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

Somedays I just want to be left alone.

Other days I love being around people.

Today, I just want to disappear.

I feel like I don't exist. Like I'm just taking up space that could be better used by someone else.

I feel like a placeholder. Like someone else is gonna come along and tap me on the shoulder and say "thanks for keeping my spot warm. I'll take it from here."

And then what?

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

Am I strong for surviving this long?

Or weak for struggling to exist?

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

i’m trying my hardest, i just wish that was enough

and it’s not

and i’m sorry for not being good enough

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

do you ever feel so lonely and ignored that you wish something terrible happened to you just so people would give a shit?

[raspberryrachel-blog1]

How I feel right now

“This is the kind of tired that has nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with the people around me.”

-Rupi Kaur