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Check out my blog!

wordsfrombehindcloseddoors.com

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My Regimen to Incline

My Regimen to Incline

By now you should know that this page was published by me to share my struggles and provide resources to others who may be struggling. I know how easy it is to lay in bed and let the depression and anxiety consume you. I know how easy it is to sleep all day in order to hide from the pain. I know how hard it is to feel really good one day only to turn around and feel like shit the next day. At…

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I never thought reading and writing would take me off the rails but god bless

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Each one of us is responsible for the words we say

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You are not losing because of your bad days. Your body is simply telling you to take it easier.

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We have every right to be proud of ourselves for even the smallest wins

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“I do not miss childhood, but I miss the way I took pleasure in small things, even as greater things crumbled. I could not control the world I was in, could not walk away from things or people or moments that hurt, but I took joy in the things that made me happy.”

— Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane (via thebrokenquotes)

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What traffic sign reflects your life right now?

Me: Yield. Don't completely stop, just be mindful of what you're doing, where you're going, & how you're going to get there.

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What do you want to do with the rest of your life, and what are you going to do to make sure you get there?

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I remember being that person that would take a snapchat of my meds and coffee and say something like “breakfast” and not eat anything but just keep drinking coffee like it was going to fix everything. I was an idiot. The coffee was preventing certain medications I was taking from working correctly and now I can’t drink caffeine anymore. To a caffeine addict, it sounds awful, but I’m at the point where I will do anything to give my mind peace.

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I'm so exhausted by my own head.

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“Writing is how I heal by breathing words on pages. You can say it’s the way I remind myself that even ruins can be rebuilt.”

— 12/15/20, anastasiasyah (via anastasiasyah)

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“And that was what destroyed you in the end: the longing for something you could never have.”

— Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom (via thoughtkick)

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Don't Work for Free

I started a new job working at the same company my husband works. One of the owners/partners is one of the sons of the original owners of the job I worked at for 6 years. Eventually, the company I worked for was bought by the executive team. The son remained a partner of his company along with another man, highly knowledgeable about the business they started up. I worked 40+ hour weeks for as long as I can remember. I basically spent the night at my former employer for several nights a week. Finishing up emails, answering instant messages, reviewing logs, writing reviews, you name it. I was one of just a few managers that did not have children to go home and tend to. I just never thought that meant I shouldn’t put my own health and needs over my career. I never put my mental health first when I worked there. I guess the will to be as successful as possible blinded me when it came to taking care of myself. That’s exactly what led me into the worst episode I've ever experienced in my life. I’ve felt so good the last couple weeks, however I was completely oblivious to how hard working my first 40 hour week in 6 months would be. 6 months is much longer than maternity leave… and any leave I can think of, really. The good news is that my work week went well. Bad news is I fell off my mental health bandwagon again. My will to be successful got in the way again and this whole week has revolved around my new job. I took sheets of information home to take notes and then study the notes. I reviewed the material every morning before work and then for hours 2 nights out of the week in hopes I could be one of the most successful trainees. The truth is that it was all a waste of time. I wasn’t preparing for a big meeting or presentation that would make or break my career. I was simply studying training materials for a new job. I learned that those hours spent trying to start off the best (cause if you’re not first, you’re last. Right?) are just wasted hours. You’re not being paid to study that training material. I can’t imagine there’s a company that would pay you to do that, but I don’t work for every company so if you’re being paid to spend hours night and day reviewing materials for a new job, I truly hope you find the time to rest. Those of us not getting paid for those hours are working for free. I know several of us have done that in our careers more than several times. For the sake of our mental health and our sanity we need to set boundaries.

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Keep them close

That medicine grid or those pill bottles that contain tablets you have to take religiously wherever you are no matter what you're doing is not meant to hold you back. They are meant to help you live again or keep living.

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Raw but Sometimes Funny

Taking your mental health seriously doesn’t just mean drinking lots of water, getting the appropriate amount of sleep, making sure you’re eating healthy. It means making time for yourself, taking your meds ON TIME, acknowledging the toxic behaviors you do that make your mental health worse, finding peace within yourself, not accepting the bare minimum from people you used to think the world of, remembering you are still always responsible for you, and knowing your worth. In 2021 I quit my job of almost 7 years because my mental health was suffering and at the time I could not be the manager that I was for the past 5 years. The company knew I was burnt out and needed time off. While I was on leave I consulted my psychiatrist and she felt it was a good opportunity to make some extensive medication changes due to me being off work. During that time my psychiatrist extended my FMLA leave to make more adjustments and give me time to adjust to the medication changes before releasing me back to work. When it was time for me to go back to work I chose to clean out all the automated emails along with emails that didn’t pertain to me since I was on a leave. While cleaning those up I came upon an email for the company explaining to me that any continuation of using my FMLA (that is supposed to save your job, and that specific company preached about mental health and using FMLA) could result in exploring options like moving me into their entry level position. After 6 full years, all the hard work, all the awards and all the promotions… That email crushed me. That job was my world and I was out on leave working on myself to come back and be the kick ass manager I always was. All that was going through my head was, “why did they support me going on leave and turn around and crush me, all those leadership/management/human resources training on mental health…  just thrown out the window.” I decided that it was time for me to do something for myself and take the stress off my shoulders. I resigned. It was one of the hardest things I had done. I made so many friends at that company who turned into family, but some of those same people are the people that didn’t give a shit about my resignation. After leaving my job, I fell into a deep depression and my anxiety was paralyzing. Nothing I did made it better. I canceled plans with friends, I slept all day for days, I wasn’t eating, I was overspending money to try to make myself feel better, you name it. My husband’s income was the only income we had and I left a job I worked my ass off to make the money I did to make sure we didn’t live paycheck to paycheck. All I could think of every single day and every time we had to pay a bill was “you are a piece of shit for putting us in this position.”, “Your husband doesn’t deserve any of this.” There were several instances where I woke up between 2-5am laying in sweat and having crippling anxiety because all I could think about was not working, bringing in no income for us, and I knew the job I resigned from after 6 years like the back of my hand. It’s been 4 months since I worked there and I could LITERALLY jump right back into it like I was never gone. I also had many sleepless nights with anxiety but I would stay up all night to look for jobs and work on my resume. Job hunting with my background should not have been so hard. It was so fucking hard. I finally found a job working in mental health and since I went to school for social work/psychology I believed this would be my career. I was extremely wrong because I broke down the first day and told myself I was done already. My family and friends were trying the best they could to support me but I was shattered. Crying hysterically every single day. I called Human Resources at the mental health facility to explain what happened and that I wasn’t prepared, as much as I thought I was or wanted to be. I just needed to get back into it. I went back to the mental health facility the following week and I was feeling MUCH better and I was starting to like it better each day. I learned a lot about people suffering with severe mental health issues. One thing that stood out to me was each person had to fill out a med grid to take their meds everyday at the same time and that made me realize, I need to work just as hard to take care of my mental health if I’m going to stay on track. I bought myself a med grid and have been doing other things for myself that I learned from working there. During the week I went back I had another interview with a company that’s been wanting me for years. Due to the job I held for 6 years, I never saw myself working for this other company. To give you some context the owners of both companies were family members and when one company was sold there was a bit of bad blood. But I couldn’t turn down that offer. It paid more than the mental health facility, I have the option to work from home, and again, I know this industry like the back of my hand and I’m so excited. I start this coming Monday and I don’t think I've ever been so excited to start another job. The nerves usually cover up any excitement. This time it just feels different and it feels right. I did get another call for an interview for a very high paying job, however I declined due to the corporate office being states away from me and I just felt accepting the other position was what I needed to do. I still think about the job I was at for 6 years, I gained so much experience from working there and I truly hope for nothing but success for that business. I’m not bitter, however I just wish I could get some closure.

8 months ago I fell into one of the most extreme mental health episodes I had ever dealt with. I continued pushing myself because I was not the kind of person to let it affect my work. My job could tell I was struggling, and put me on a leave. During which time my psychiatrist made several adjustments to my medications and had to extend my leave twice. I was set to go back to my job of 6 years and I read an email that crushes me and in turn I resign from my position with the company. 4 months ago I spiraled even worse, I didn’t know that was possible. So many times I had felt I hit rock bottom and then things just kept getting worse. I kept getting worse. Maybe there are multiple different levels of rock bottom… FUCK. I finally get a job, then another job and then a job offer in a matter of a week as soon as I took tips from the mental health facility. I still feel great and when I don’t, it’s not the end of the world. I learned that you are the only one that can take care of you the way you need to be taken care of. Having support is great, but those people are not inside your head, they don’t prescribe medications, they don't know how you REALLY feel. You have to make a decision and reap the consequences should there be any. My point is, I truly believed I wasn’t going to make it out of this alive no matter who I had to talk to. I had to make the moves, take care of my mind, body and soul.

#mentalheathawareness

#mindbodysoul

#takecare

#chooseyou

#boundaries

#career

#control

#lifelessons

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I never thought things would get better after the last 6 months, but rock bottom doesn’t always mean you can find your way back up.