rayymanic

[rayymanic]

06/20/2023

tw ! sh relapse & graphic description of sh

Hey, I have been really scared to post about this and I have been putting it off for quite a while now, but it happened and I feel like I have to share it as it is a part of my journey in recovery.

10 days ago, on July 10th, I relapsed while at my friends house. I was 2 months and 13 days clean. Every time I am with this friend we end up having a trauma-dump diy therapy that makes us both incredibly upset. I never really enjoy these because being upset and crying infront of people makes me extremely uncomfortable due to trauma in my past. However I have never told them this, so I am not upset at them. I do these with them because I think it helps them, being able to voice their feelings and have somebody else acknowledge them? I think what really pushed me over the edge was them getting so upset and ripping their hair out infront of me, they said they did it because it helps them calm down, which I understand, but it made me upset, and caused my relapse.

They left the room and I scratched the area under my breast until it was raw and bleeding, I was unable to wear my bra properly, moving hurt, sleeping was difficult, and I wasn't able to enjoy the next day. We went to a museum and saw a dinosaur exhibit, I love dinosaurs, but I wasn't able to fully enjoy it because of the amount of pain I was in. It sucked.

But I can't be too hung up on this because relapse is a part of recovery and it does not define who I am.

Have a lovely day

[rayymanic]

07/06/23

hey !! im okay! i know nobody reads these and nobody was worried but im okay! i just forget about tumblr a lot.

so im 2 months and 8 days clean. i havent done this in years. it feels so sureal!! but in a good way? ive had some really bad intense thoughts but i talked to someone and got past them!! when i get on my computer tonight i can elaborate a lot more but im on my phone and the middle of the day so i dont feel like typing all that. will edit this later!! byebye

[rayymanic]

Sorry it has been a while since I have updated, a lot has happened I think.

As of today, I am one month and twelve days, or 6 weeks, clean from self harm. It hasn't exactly been easy, a lot of the people around me have been saying or doing things that trigger me without them knowing, and I don't blame them.

I had a really bad night wedsnesday. My grandma was checking me and she rubbed her hand on some of my raised scars and asked me why it did, than told me how she wanted them to fade quickly and that if i ever did that again she would be angry. For some reason that really upset me and all i could think about was cutting. Specifically my thighs, probably because that's what my grandma was commenting on.

I don't really know what else to say but I wanted to post to the void again. Have a good day

[rayymanic]

about me & my blog

My name is ray, and i am 14. I have struggled with a sh addiction for almost 4 years now. my family recently found out so i am being "forced" to recover ( i wanted to anyways ). I am a scenemo metalhead and i love cats! i am queer and genderfluid, and i have bpd.

This account is a self harm recovery and vent blog. I will vent about my SH recovery struggles, intrusive thoughts, abuse/neglect (?), and probably a lot more. I will add trigger warnings when i feel like they are needed. Im not terribly active so i will go days without posting.

I ask that any sh / shblr accounts dont interact with me as it may interfear with my recover

stay safe <3

[rayymanic]

05/29/2023

tw? kind of in detail/graphic talk of sh

Today was a very good day. I walked a mile, did a workout, and rollerskated. I also had a yogurt bowl which was very tasty! I didn't have any self harm urges until roughly ten minutes ago? I was just laying with my cat and i remembered pictures I had taken of my cuts and missed the feeling, but I got past it and did my face care routine to distract myself, worked wonders. I still feel off though, like something is missing. Ive been self harming for almost four years now and I always had open wounds. Ive come to realize that i dont feel like myself without open wounds. I know the feelings will pass and over time i will heal mentally and get out of this mindset, but it sucks right now.

While my stepmom was doing her daily bodycheck on me to make sure i havent cut, she mentioned taking me to see a dermatologist later on and having them prescribe a scar cream. I dont know why but this really bothered me. Ive told her and my other parents that i dont mind my scars because they are a part of me now and i want them to fade/heal naturally, and i dont know if they dont care what i think or if they dont like them. I dont want my scars to fade quickly. I have to live with the consequences of my actions. She makes me put on this over the counter scar cream every day and i hate it so much, i dont even have control of my own body at this point. Im pretty sure they want my scars gone because they think its ugly but i dont. i think its beautiful. it reminds me that i survived. and im proud of that.

My grandmother had to bodycheck me last week because i was at her house. she is a very conservative, christian woman who is known for being judgmental so i was scared. I mean she went outside and cried on the porch when she found out that im queer so i didnt know how she would take this She asked me how i cut and what i used and why i cut and she told me that its going to leave scars. im pretty aware of that, one look in the mirror and i can tell. she asked if she could take pictures , why would she need pictures? i told her no and she seemed to get a little more upset. i dont really like her,, she told my parents about my facebook account (i had them blocked) and got me in trouble so ,,

i was supposed to start therapy two weeks ago, but i didnt. my dad and stepmom are notorious for not taking my mental health seriously and putting things to do with it aside to do other, meaningless things. i was told im going to start this week but im not sure. the school therapist told me that im going to be doing two kinds of therapy - regular talk therapy and intense trauma therapy. my stepmom insists on doing trauma therapy with me and the school therapist accidentally let it slip that my "therapist" would tell my parents everything we talk about. how am i supposed to get better if i cant confide in my own damn therapist? does that not break the patient confidentiality rules therapists have? they think i was cutting because of the trauma i endured when i was 9-13 but its not. ive almost healed from what happened, the reason i was cutting was because i have severe chronic depression, my pills werent working, and i hate the enviorment im in. i hate the people, the scenery, everything. whats funny is my dad and stepmom are blaming everyone but themselves when they are the actual reason i was cutting. thanks dad! thanks for fucking nothing

on a brighter note, i reached 1 month sh free a couple days ago! thats really big for me, i havent gone over two weeks in years. im sorry this post is so long and messy, i just need to get how i really feel off my chest. i hope whoever reads this has a wonderful morning/day/night and has lovely dreams <3

this has a lot of spelling errors, its late at night. i should be sleeping,,,

[rayymanic]

i am 26 days self harm free. i havent made it this long in over a year. i cant believe i genuinly made it this long. i used to not be able to go more than a day, and now its almost a month. recovery hasnt gone smoothly, though. as ive posted on here, ive had some slight urges, but yesterday was the worst. i was so overstimulated it gave me a panic attack, and one of the only ways i know how to deal with or regulate my emotions is by cutting, it grounds me and calms me down, but i couldnt do that. i had no way of doing so and i didnt want to. i was at a loss, i havent dealt with emotions in a good way in years, so i just sat and cried like a lost baby until one of my friends finally responded to me. she told me that crying is healthy and she helped me calm down. i cant explain how much that meant to me. i love my friends, ive finally weeded out the bad ones.

[rayymanic]

05/15/23

today was good. i had no more urges last night and was able to go to sleep. I did have one urge today but it was not as intense and did not last very long. I am now laying in bed with my cat asleep in my arms, it's 10:07 P.M. I have work I'm supposed to do but it will be okay. I reached out to an old friend today and he is just like how I remember him! I really missed them, honestly.

Due to harassment at school I am most likely going to a different district next year, thank fuck. I don't know if I am more excited or scared. I don't want to have to start over, leave my friends, be in an unfamiliar place, but at the same time, I really do. I want the chance to be at a place where people didn't know me before my scars. Where they don't know me as the crazy chick. I want to be able to start fresh, and a new group of friends is probably good for me. Maybe I can have a normal high school experience. I want to have a glow up over the summer, physically and mentally, and start over. Meet new cliques. Be able to be myself without shame and judgment for peers who knew me before I went "off the rails". People will know me for me, and not my past.

Okay, it is time for me to log off. Goodnight Tumblr!

(17 days clean!!)

[rayymanic]

late night thoughts

TW!! SH MENTIONS!!

okay. so its currently 10:50 P.M and I was feeling great, until I wasn't. I was laying with my cat and I got the random urge to put a needle through my skin. This though then transformed into the urge to find a sharp object and cut my right arm specifically. I hate these urges because they are always so strong and persisstant. I just wan't to fucking sleep man. I'm almost 17 days SH free and I am not going to break my clean streak just to feel temporary relief. That is why I started this blog. To track my progress, to vent about how I feel, and to talk about how hard recovery is. SH isn't just something you do when you're sad, it's an addiction. After a bit, you start to crave the feeling(s), the blood, the euphoric feeling, you crave it all. But I can't let these cravings win. I am in control of my mind and my body. If anybody cares, I will update tumblr about how the rest of my night and how tomorrow goes, tomorrow night. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Goodnight to whoever stumbles upon this!

(PS, my cat says hi!)