reader-and-aspiring-writer

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

Me: My standards for male love interests in books are pretty high at the moment. I got to admit that.

Author: His hair was black. His eyes were blue and his smirk was really seductive.

Also me: That will do. Sir, we’re married now.

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

Dear you,

When I was little, I used to look at my parents and think: how can two people stay this long together without getting bored of each other?

You see, I’ve always been the impatient kind of child- the troublemaker, the one who never stood still, the one who jumped from friend to friend because I could never really get close to anyone and I would always get bored of them. I’ve been like that my whole life and I became a lonely teen who was ok with everyone but had no real friends, because once people stopped being interesting I would drift away from them.

I was so sad because I thought I would always be alone, that I would never fit in or be able to love anyone. And then you came into my life and everything took an unexpected turn. You were like a living painting-ruffled dark hair, high cheekbones, perfect skin, bright blue eyes full of mischief and the promise of adventure. The first time I saw you my breath caught in my chest and the whole world slowed as you walked toward me. My heart began beating faster, my hands turned clammy and then… Then you looked me right in the eyes and smiled. That smile…Oh, that fucking smile. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I wanted to capture it and lock it in my mind’s eye so I can get drunk on its lovely memory.

I scolded myself instantly for those reckless thoughts and realized that it’s pointless going after you- beauty doesn’t usually go hand in hand with intelligence and I would end up getting bored of you as well and only proving once again how utterly broken I am. Oh, how little did I know...

I can’t say I believe in fate or in a higher power that guides our lives but during those months after I’ve met you, I didn’t know what else to call it. We were in the same class, we partnered in 3 projects for three different subjects and we even had common friends who dragged us to parties where we ended up spending time together. We were pushed towards each other by the circumstances and deep down I knew I was happy because of it. It didn’t take me long to realize how awfully wrong I had been about you. My dearest, you were the most amazing person I had ever met. You were confident, bold, spoke your mind all the time, and yet… Yet you were kind, and gentle and hungry for life and adventure. You didn’t drink, didn’t do drugs, you understood the problems of our world and always enjoyed talking about them with me. And the way you talked… I could have listened to your words forever and never want them to cease escaping your beautiful lips. You were the first person that I didn’t get bored of and I found myself wanting to be near you, talk to you, even dreaming about you every single day. When I was with you, I felt energized, happy and alive, like never before. You became my first true friend and I never wanted to part with you.

I don’t know when I’ve fallen in love with you- it might have been the first brush of our hands when I felt a thousand butterflies flying around in my stomach, or when you hugged me for the first time and every place where our skin met felt like it was on fire, or when we threw a darts at a map of our State and drove to the place it landed on. What I do know is when I realized I was completely ensorcelled by you- the night of our first kiss. Do you remember it? Because I remember every detail of it like it was forever burned into my mind.

It was a warm spring night and we were standing on a bench in the park, after going for one of our late night walks when we used to talk and talk about books, movies, life, fears and everything that went through our heads in those moments. The sky was lit by thousands of stars and the moon was a glittering globe of light turning your eyes into living blue flame. As we watched the sky you drew nearer and put your arm around me, drawing me in. The moment you touched me every rational thought emptied from my mind and the only thing I could think about were your moving lips as you pointed at the sky naming different constellations that I didn’t care about. And when you looked me in the eyes I froze completely. Breathing was difficult and I was feeling so much so fast that I could not quite grasp anything at all. A gentle wind ruffled my hair and then something unexpected happened- you slowly dragged your fingers through a piece of it and gingerly tucked it behind my ear, your hand barely grazing my cheek, leaving sparks dancing across my skin in its wake. You stared at me with wide, open eyes and I felt your gaze as a touch on my face and I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know what to do. But I didn’t have to do anything because the next thing I knew your lips were on mine. I never told you this, but it was my first kiss ever and… fuck, was it perfect. The moment our lips touched, electric currents went through me, heightening all my senses and making me aware of everything. The softness of your hair at the nape of your neck as my fingers trudged through it, the small tingling of your long dark lashes as they touched my cheekbone because our faces were so close, the way your lips felt like they were made for kissing mine, the natural way I opened my mouth at the brush of your tongue against my lower lip as you deepened the kiss, making me lose myself so thoroughly in you that I wanted to stop time and remain in that moment forever. When we pulled apart we were flushed and breathless and then those three words escaped my kissing-swollen lips: “I love you” I said. Panic gripped me the instant I said those words. How stupid could I be to just blurt out my feelings after our very first kiss? What if I had just ruined our friendship with my impulsive stupid mouth? But you didn’t push me away or laugh at me. Instead, you cradled my face in the palm of your hands and said the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my entire life, four simple words that made me ecstatic: “I love you, too”. And then kissed me again and again and again all the night before finally walking me home and going no further than the door.

The year that followed that night was the highest point of my existence. I was floating on a cloud of happiness and love, soaring above every problem and challenge. Somehow I still managed to be good in school and get good grades to not worry my parents, but outside of it, you were the only person in my whole universe. You were the sun and I was a planet gravitating around you, drawn to your energy and light and fueled by your love. We had so many beautiful adventures together and you made me see the world in all the colors of the rainbow and I felt so alive that I didn’t ever want to go back to the way my life was before you: so dull and colorless. It was the first time I understood how two people want to spend their entire life together.

I gave myself to you: mind, body and soul and we were perfect for each other: fitting together like puzzle pieces in every possible way. I was yours and you were mine and together we could take on the world. You made me into the best version of myself, pushed me to achieve my goals and dreams, believed in me when even I didn’t. And the best part of our relationship: we never fought. Every disagreement or problem we had, we talked through it , made compromises and ultimately solved it. Our relationship seemed so perfect that I didn’t notice how fragile it was: made of the finest glass that would break at the smallest punch. And fuck it, did it break.

I remember that night just like I remember our first kiss. It was spring again, but this time the sky was covered in dark, heavy clouds, with no stars or moon to cast gentle light across the world, and the rain was pouring, thunder shaking the very foundations of the earth while lighting cracked the sky. I waited for you to come by my place but when you were late and didn’t answer your texts, I decided to go by your house and check on you. When I arrived it was dark and the house looked empty but something, probably the thing that brought us together, made me check the door: unlocked. I pushed it open and slowly made my way through the house and just as I was about to turn around and call one of your close friends to see If maybe you were with him, I heard something coming from your bedroom.

At first, I didn’t know how to react and I thought that my mind was playing tricks on me, but when I heard the sound again I went upstairs to check. Those moments going up the stairs and to your bedroom felt like years instead of minutes and the moment I pushed that stupid door open and saw that image I felt myself shattering in a thousand pieces.

I can’t remember what I did first- I might have started laughing maniacally or crying or screaming. But I remember your shocked, panicked face as you tried to explain everything while dragging on your pants and shoving that poor naked girl out the door and the way you told me you were sorry and that you loved me and that it was a mistake that would never happen again. I remember how I wanted it to be all a horrible nightmare and I prayed to whatever force or being or anything that watched this fucking world, for me to wake up, but I didn’t. And the reality slapped me across the face in the worst possible way.

I wanted to forgive you because you seemed so genuinely sorry, but I couldn't picture myself ever being with you when the image of you and her was imprinted in my mind where moments ago it was full with bright memories of us kissing, laughing and talking, seemingly in love. The fragile glass was broken and I still had some dignity left and ended the relationship right there and then, cutting you off from my life completely.

I was so high on you that when I gave you up, I fell hard and didn’t manage to get up for a long time. I became a ghost of who I was before, the world turning from green and blue and yellow to dull tones of grey. I wondered what I did wrong and the feeling that I hadn’t been enough for you ate me up from the inside out causing me to lose track of everything. I was drowning in sorrow and hopelessness. I gave you everything I had, everything I was and for you, it wasn’t enough. I started wondering if you ever loved me and the thought that you didn’t make everything even worse, but seeing you looking just as miserable as me at school made me realize that you did love me, but you had problems that I didn’t notice.

One day I woke up, looked in the mirror and what I saw struck me. I was so frail and thin, my once bright, clever eyes were so lifeless and dull, my hair plastered to my face. At that moment I asked myself: what was I doing? Where was the girl that loved learning and reading more than everything? Where was the girl with wide eyes and dreams of changing the world? Did I just let a boy make me into this shell of a person? In that moment I decided that I would not suffer anymore and that I would focus on me and my future. I started working hard to get into my dream college, eating to gain back the weight I’ve lost and reading again. The trek back up from that ocean of sadness was a slow one and I still had bad days and never reached the full height of who I was when with you, but I pulled the pieces of myself back together and was forged anew into a different me.

What surprised me after everything, is the fact that I don’t despise or fear love. For it is beautiful and electric and it is, I now understand, the very reason we are alive. What we had was blinding, intense love that burned through everything we were: a supernova. And just like a supernova can’t burn for long so did our love not last long. We were young, and broken in ways we didn’t see and our relationship was just as broken as we were, but we were never able to see it. We had love and we thought it was enough, but we never explored our hidden, broken parts together, we argued so rarely because instead of bringing up the problems we had with each other, we shoved them down and never spoke of them. We were dysfunctional and you were the first one to break under everything you bottled down. I wrote this letter because, now, a year later, I am ready for the final closure and I wanted to tell you that I forgive you. So goodbye and know that you will always be a part of me and that I will never forget you.

Yours truly,

The girl who once loved you more than anything in the world

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

Finished painting Kell Maresh from Shades of magic series by @veschwab hope you guys will like it xoxo #adarkershadeofmagic #agatheringofshadows#aconjuringoflight #veschwab #fanart#character #bookillustration #bookcharacter

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

The full series of Shades of Magic character cards commissioned by @foxandwit! I posted a few here, but I thought they looked really cool side by side!

I started this project late 2018, and it’s really interesting to see how each card changed and improved bit by bit…

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

TOG Cards Against Humanity

ACOTAR Version

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

"And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul" - John Muir

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

I am a reader

I’ve been thinking how can one define a reader and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are no words to truly express all that means being one. However, there is one definition I truly adore and which I find close to what I feel about the word “reader”: A person who lives a thousand lives. It was G.R.R. Martin’s quote in A Dance with Dragons: “ A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.”

I love that quote because it is true. I’ve lost myself countless times between the pages of a book, caught up in worlds and adventures far from the real world, from boredom and routine. I’ve fought the evil forces, demons and dark princes, I’ve traveled in time, I’ve lived in the past, present and future.

There is always the emotion of picking up a new book, there are the expectations and the desire to fall in love it. I want to adore books and stories but I’m also afraid to do so because I dread the endings. The moment when a story ends, a wound gaps open inside of me: the knowledge that I will not stay in that world anymore, I will not have adventures there, I will not feel that magic anymore.

Then there are the characters: my friends, my lovers, my enemies, my family. I live with them, I hurt and love with them, I cry their tears and feel their pain and sorrow and joy and hope. They take their places in my heart and when the stories ends I can’t let them go: the journey has ended, but the characters are still with me, even from afar. I draw their strength when I need it. I remember that I will fight and love and hope as they have, even in the hardest moments. There will be times when I will be weak and maybe a coward but I will remember that those characters have made it through and I will too. I am afraid of a character’s death as I am afraid of one of my friends’ because I will feel the pain just as intense. Theoretically characters are nothing more than words on pages, but to readers they are heroes.

Readers are people that feel more, love more, hurt more, hope more. Readers are more because they live in multiple words, meet multiple people and learn multiple lessons far faster than normal people do.

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

“three rules for loving an angel: i. understand that an angels love is absolute. you may love him with all of your heart but you will never love him as he loves you. you are human and small and your heart has not lived as his has, child. you will not understand his sort of love. you will fight, but do not doubt that he loves you. he will never suggest taking a break, or seeing other people. the glass in the kitchen will shatter along side his shouting, but do not doubt that he cares. the neighbours will talk about the storm that raged for a week while he fumed, but do not doubt that he loves you. you will not understand how, but he loves you. he will lay with you on the sofa downstairs for hours into the night, running a hand through your hair and tell you stories that never made sense when you heard them in church, and he will tell you that he loves you with all of him, that every cell he possesses cares for you. do not attempt to envision it. he has more in him than you can imagine, do not attempt to understand. just tell him that you love him too. ii. understand that angels are first warriors. if your angel is old, he will have been armed with a sword and a shield, and he will have struck down his siblings and watched his older sister be carried down to the depths of hell. if he is older, he will have known a time before war, and that is almost worse. sometimes, his hands will shake and you will not be able to stop them. you will mention something unwittingly and he will pull away sharply and fall silent. it may not take him long to recover, but he will think about it for three weeks, and hide behind his smile for your sake. sometimes, he will make a reference to events long since passed, and you will remember that he was there. you will need time to recover from this thought, and he will not understand. he finds it hard to remember how young you are. he is a protector by trade and you are what he has chosen to protect. there is no war, you want to tell him. don’t. allow him the small triumph of keeping you safe. let him lock the doors and windows for you. let him look over his shoulder when you walk together. it will help him to have something to protect, even if there is no war. iii. understand that angels are. angels are. angels are undescribable. there are not words for how he will look at you. he will look at you like you are the sun on the hottest day of the year in the middle of cloudless sky. he will look at you like you are the first creation he’s ever truly seen. both are true, but neither are correct. he will describe every inch of you at some point or another, in this lanaguge or that, but no matter how many words you discover, how many languages you master, there will never be words enough for him. you cannot describe the galaxies behind his eyes, the electricy in his fingertips, nor the the softness of his heartbeat underneath his shirt. you will run your hands down his wings a thousand times, but you will never describe it, or how it makes you feel. your voice will crack and your pen will fall still and you will flush under his eyes. words will stick to your throat and all you can think to do is touch him. touch his skin and his hair and his clothes. touch him everywhere. it’s the closest to describing him you’ll get. the words for describing this will never find their way to you. tell him that you love him. it will be enough.”

— it’s been three weeks and i can’t get the thought of you out of my head. // lj  (via lionofstone)

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

Reblog if I can message you to fangirl about sjmaas books

I barely have any friends here so I’d love to meet new people in the sjm fandom :)

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

Reblog if you’re a Sarah J. Maas fan and you wanna be book friends <3

I really want to meet more ACOTAR/TOG fans and people who like to read and fangirl in general! ^_^

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

it was recommended that I get a prescription after rereading ACOMAF ten times

[reader-and-aspiring-writer]

One of my favorite photos from this winter: the white paradise.