recoveringbecomingbetter

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

26 may

today - i woke up and was so tired i decided to skip hot power yoga - whoops. i plan to go to the gym later. i have eaten 1 egg. going to walk to town soon and have brunch with a pal - pancakes probably! not the healthiest, but afterwards i’ll head to the library and do some work, and i’ve brought some carrots in case i get hungry before the gym. :)))

LATER - ate the pancakes, ayyy. but then ate a super veg-heavy dinner and exercised so im feeling better! gonna drink some tea + take my meds + watch sherlock :)))

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

everytime i add another label

i feel less & less “dateable” and moreover less & less capable of intimate relationships like how the f could i trust someone to truly love me im my head is a soupy mess

general anxiety + social anxiety + bipolar disorder + general depressiveness + queerness + binge eating + general eating disorders + possibly i have some OCD tendencies + sometimes i get obsessed with the apocalypse & doom + sometimes i stutter & skip letters or chunks of words because im too nervous to talk + oh yeah im co-dependent as hell + oh yeah unresolved family issues stemming at least in part from my mom’s abusive childhood + generally hyperemotional and hypersensitive + sometimes completely overwhelmed by weird sensory shit like WOOP WOOP WOOP TRY AND DATE ME NOW ! ! ! 

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

I want a life filled with flowers. Flowers everywhere. Flowers growing inside me.

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

s/o to my anxiety for keeping my impulsivity in check

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

me: *chillin*

my brain: SELF HARM BINGE EAT TAKE ALL YOUR PILLS PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH A WALL DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA PULL OUT ALL YOUR HAIR SCREAM FOR NO REASON JUMP IN FRONT OF A CAR CUT OFF ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS ROB A BANK

me: *no longer chillin*

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

“Its all in your head”

yes exactly that is where the mental illness goblin lives, chanting and making blood sacrifices, thank you for recognizing its geographic location

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

coming to terms with:

the fact that a few days of healthy eating wont be enough to heal my body & debloat it & make me feel and look better. 

ive been abusing my body for a long time, and these binges of the past few months have /lasted/ months - it’s gonna take at least a few weeks of sensible and healthy eating to get rid of the bloated, aggravated state my body is in, if not a few months. have to commit !

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

starting line

mental health: since i’ve been home this past week.5, i’ve definitely curled into myself, become more anxious, begun speaking with a certain stuttering slowness as my social-brain shrivels from disuse. but! two days ago i was prescribed lamictal for bipolar/as a mood stabilizer, so i’m titrating onto that and hopefully that’ll help!

physical health: i went 10 days without binging, but yesterday i binged, and today i binged. wince. tomorrow im having a probably decadent brunch with a pal, yike, but im exercising in the morning (hot yoga) so hopefully i’ll find mental balance and let a big meal just be that, without it setting off anything else. i weigh somewhere around 128-129lbs (im 5′3″) -- 10 lbs more than i weighed when i first sought help for my eating issues this winter (in february or so). ALSO my period is a week and a half late - and i dont know why (im fairly gay, so its not pregnancy, lol) - stress? am blaming the binge eating - think i’ve thrown my body hormones out of wack lately, my face is all broken out on the lower half. having stomach cramps because of the binges also. 

GOALS:

mental health: incorporate mentally healthy practices into my life (regular exercise, journaling, getting out of the house, eating healthfully, socializing...) so i can feel more stable and capable of living my life.

physical health: lose the weight i gained, move back towards a lower weight that reflects me living a healthy, non-binging life - eventually i want to lose some vanity weight as well. exercise daily, build muscle (weights) and flexibility (yoga) and stamina (running??). 

SW: 128ish lbs (not sure exactly how much and the scale is terrifying) (i’m 5′3″)

GW1: 120lbs (by end of june??)

GW2: 115lbs (by end of july??)

GW3: 109lbs (by end of august??)

weight loss is...weird. i think part of me has kind of resisted actually losing weight - it’s been such an outlet for my anxiety for so long, what would i do if i had actually lost the weight? god forbid i not have my body to fixate madly on. i wonder if losing weight is a reflection of me actually liking myself? the times in my life when ive been happier and living a more active/social life, ive been thinner for sure... #foodforthought. i will do this for myself - to feel better. physically, mentally, emotionally. to free myself. 

[recoveringbecomingbetter]

recovering, becoming better

in the past few months, i’ve gained 10lbs. i binge eat (stress eat/emotionally eat) and it’s gotten much worse (somehow!! why!!) since i started trying to address long-running eating concerns. i feel like i somehow internalized the idea that “i am a binge eater” and i’m subconsciously permitting it to be a thing in my life?? no more. 

i know recovery is hard if you are also trying to lose weight... i know. i’m not going to pretend that this is the healthiest way. but i also know from my own past that a lot of how i function with food/body/weight is just H A B I T. when i wasn’t eating and compulsively exercising - habits. when i binge eat - habit. when i was actually eating somewhat normally and felt happy with my body - habit!! i can set good and healthy habits. i just need some accountability. 

i’m making this blog to hold myself accountable. i want to change how i live and think and act - and that means making a new way of being a habit. i have to carve new channels through which to live my life. i want to be active & productive & loving & not get so overwhelmed & not hide in bed & not be depressed & not do unkind and unhealthy things to my body. 

ive started mood stabilizers to deal with my bipolar disorder (esp the depression) (i dunno if its bipolar NOS or bipolar ii, clinically) and there’s a chance i’ll go on antidepressants later to help with my generalized anxiety. i’m getting better at thought labelling and i feel hopeful about improving on these meds - luckily im on lamictal, which tends to be weight-neutral, so hopefully i won’t gain a ton of weight and set off my disordered eating. 

mm so hmm... goals?! generally to:

1. stop binge eating. plan: stick to a schedule of eating - breakfast, lunch, and dinner, a snack in the afternoon if i’m unmanageably hungry. 

2. weight loss. plan: set a manageable calorie goal, eat 99% unprocessed foods that are filling and won’t trigger the binge urge (be careful with nuts because they do make me wanna binge - one serving a day, measured, if that.)

3. be more active. plan: incorporate daily yoga (for mental health + stretchiness). add daily cardio (for weight loss) and heavy lifting (3x per week) for balance. 

4. set a schedule for productivity. plan: i want to write, so i have to write! and i know i don’t do well with my productivity if i stay in my house -- to much television and wasted time. so plan is to get out of the house, work out, actively put myself in spaces where i know i’ll be productive. like the library or coffee shops!

5. better mental health. plan: journal more often, especially when i feel like im avoiding it/avoiding myself. practice mindfulness in action, thought, and eating. practice meditation. spend more time reading + learning, learning and thinking new things always makes me feel good. 

all of these things + my new meds should be a great help to my mental health. and i’ll log my daily-ish food and life successes/not successes here!! wahoo!!