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Quitting Alcohol

Now would be a better time than ever to quit. As through a series of conversations my ego has suffered, I feel both better prepared and more strongly obligated to let this die. If I have any pride at all, it should be intellectual- then how can I justify a hobby that slowly eats away my ability to think besides causing me harm in so many other ways. Pleasure, what worth is it. The animal ought to be considered, but it isn't a generally good candidate to put in charge of decision making. False expectations. It's a negative sum game. Every sip costs future enjoyment, clarity, money, health, and cognitive dissonance too if I dare to be honest with myself. Lying to myself. Being hooked on alcohol might just be the reason why I also stayed hooked on porn years ago. I read that adapted version of Allan Carrs book, mostly sound logic, it sure leaves a warm fuzzy feeling of motivation that might linger around long enough to last through the worst part of it. Problem is, the exuses that led me to keep drinking are similar to those that led me to keep gooning, and I wasn't ready to let go of them.

I recently find myself actively putting an effort into being a rational being, and one of the first things I recognize must go is the drinking. There's countless places where I contradict myself, the alcoholism is among the more obvious ones.

Don't argue, don't explain to me how it's fine. For now I just need to convince myself. You're not evil because you dink, quitting can be hard. You're just not rational. Animals aren't evil for lacking in that department. I may keep you updated on what I can call evil. My house of ethics and morals was swept through by a bulldozer lately. But that's for another post.

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Philosophy, of the True Omnivore

A while ago I made up a philosophy for myself- of the True Omnivore. It was inspired by a post of someone explaining how he overcame his dislike for olives by eating them regardless on a regular basis.

Unless you have an allergy, you'll be able to eat anything and even enjoy it if you just let yourself get exposed to it often enough. Apply that process to things other than food, there you go. I recognize theres reasonable limitations to such a principle, and I know it's in a way stoicism in more culinary terms.

Personally, I barely ever think of this paricular philosophy outside of food related contexts. It would be more accurately described as "eat what's on your plate."

Now, I have a problem. You see, I'm on my *vegetarian arc* lately- and vegetarians aren't omnivores.

I'm proud to say that I've managed to resolve** the apparent conflict between the two, but it leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Suppose I, outside of my control, get served a nice juicy steak and nobody else is there to take the chalice of blood away from me. If I eat it there's guilt from betraying vegetarianism, if I don't I have to stomach the guilt from letting good food- that an animal has died for- go to waste. The resolve?

There is none, I lied. However, there is a way to not leave the dilemma as a lose end- it ties back into the more broard definition of the true omnivore: Settle for the lesser evil. Eat that dilemma. Digest it. Pray it won't be on your plate too often. A true omnivore doesn't only eat the food that tastes a bit off, it consumes the conflict and contradictios of the world and integrates them. It doesn't exist, but it might be something to look up to. You be the judge of that.

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Fast time

Life has sort of been rushing by lately. i can't say for sure how many weeks or months "lately" is. Maybe it's years. The days go by, I do most of what I have to and a bit of what I can, mostly what I feel like. I make memories and I know what happens, but on an emotional level almost nothing happens. How do I explain this. It's like my brain is a little broken. I keep saying I'll try and stop the constant stramof infection in hopes of instead making more memorable things my hobby, getting things done that actually ought to get done, doing something fulfilling. But it never happens. Two good days in a week is the best case scenario if im generous with the data.

It's hard. I don't have it in me to iust turn away from all those empty pleasures. I get bored and tired so easily. I struggle to get started, and even when I quickly get frustrated and quit. I'm an entitled bitch who thinks so many of those mundane tasks are below her dignity and the mere existence of them is evil. I'm getting off on a tangent here again. Not like there was any message I wanted to get across anyways. I'm just laying in bed half asleep hoping that if I write down enough thoughts I'll eventually find answers or peace. It's not making it worse at least.

My eyes just closed for a solid minute and I had something like a dream. It's a good time to sleep now i suppose.

God please let me wake up looking like a girl if I do.

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Of Apologetics and Sceptics

I had the displeasure of reading muslim apologtics today and, while it wasn't a lot, It sure left two painful impressions:

-They are very similar to the Christian kind I'm familiar with, mainly in the sense that they either explain how the nonbeliever misinterprets the verse in question, or that you point to some historical source that is.. easy to doubt.

-I now get how an atheist must feel when hearing any kind of apologetics. Through my incredible intellct I could have guessed it, but now I felt it. I'm wholly convinced that person is wrong. I don't have the energy or patience to argue so I won't bother having a conversation.

My faith hasn't been shaken from this or anything. I might be a bit more of an insufferable sceptic but that's it. I suppose I can more easily empathize with the atheists now. After all I became a Christian because I wanted to, and not because someone else did. Except for God, duh.

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Vegetarianism & Cannibalism

I had a dream about eating another person last night. It was in semi-3rd person. Like I was looking through the eyes of a character in a video game I had already played before. Also sensing the sweet juicy flesh through their mouth.

I don't know if that's related, but I'm also suddenly overcome by an urge to go more vegetarian than I currently am. I'll still eat what's on my plate when cooked for, I still aspire to be a true omnivore.

But when cooking and ordering for myself... I don't know. I sorta want to reduce the meat and i can't quite put my finger on why yet. Is it ethics, environmentalism, a stereotype on femininity that unwittingly took root, or just a desire to change in any way?

It's not that big of a deal anyways. I don't want to make it one. Just a minor change in diet.

I was told that the dream might have moved something on the ethical side. Eating people isn't okay. Eating animals is okay, unless animals are people too. That whole unethical mixup.... I dont know how to put it best.

Best thing I can do is follow my conscience I suppose.

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42 percent

The thought that theres good people who end their own lifes has to be the most sad thing there is to me. The reaction is a painful reminder that I'm still human. It makes me angry that there's people who can mock tragedy like that, people who make fun of it. I don't believe you're obligated to feel sad, you can be apathetic if you don't know those people or you didn't like them. But what the hell. I saw so many people on twitter laughing at the death of a teenager who under any reasonable standard didn't come close to deserving such an early end. It's sickening. It's sad. It's all so effed up.

I hope that isn't representative of the real world. I hope in the future we'll have a world where people aren't driven to such actions in the first place. God make it better. Please.

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Stupid allergy

In the 23 years of my life i have not been diagnosefd with a single allergy. I can eat and drink whatever I want. Unfortunately injections don't seem to be the same. It's unclear whether It's the mct oil or one of the preservatives, but my best guess is that I'm allergic to one of those components in my HRT. Can't be the Estradiol, right?

And why on earth did it have to go like it did? On the first injection I was able to write off the strong reaction as a panic attack. On the second nothing severe happened initially. But then both of my injection sites went hard and red. Still are a little, might take weeks to go away. Also I had a couple instances of hsving zrouble breathing in the mentime. My body is reacting to my medicine like it's poison...

"Granuloma ir sterile Abscess" is what I may have at the injection sites now. A steady supply of Estrogen that should be mostly harmless. Oh well.

I really hope its not the oil im allerhic to. It's hard enough to find HRT on its own, and mct seems to be the standard for injections. It's all so tiresome.

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How does one build a political framework

I doubt you'd be able to get a lot out of the set of objective truths. In a sense I imagine it as a complex problem of maximising whatever you consider good.

How important are the people of your country compared to others, what are fair ways to make money. What are crimes, what are misbehaviors, how do you deal with them, What parts of the environment are imprtant and how will you pritect them, how pragmatic do you want to be, how much and what kinds of differences will you tolerate, do you think religion is important, how long should your preferred society last amd how much are you willing to compromise to at least get closer to it, how attatched are you to the past, how concerned for the future?

I have inpopular opinions on a lot of those, but don't you dare ask me to justify myself. Don't look at me like that, don't pretend like you aren't going by your gut either. Egalitarianism? Don't make me laugh, scum like me doesn't deserve the same as an angel like you. The simplest approach isn't the best. Just because it works now doesn't mean we shouldn't look for an alternative. Of course the billionair doesn't deserve his money. Neither does the minimum wage worker. We get what we get we take what we take. Same goes for redustribution of course. I want the state to be competent and have the force necessary to make change, but i don't trust it to use that power responsibly. I know others are just as entitled to their culture and ideals as I am, that won't change how they make me feel.

Forget victimless crimes, there's also victims without crime. Forget reason. Forget sanity. Forget ever comvincing anyone of your ideals.

You think ideas spread because they're good? Ideas spread because people like them.

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Thank you MLA

We ask so many questions without asking ourselfs first if those questions mean anything. We try to define things that aren't part of reality and don't describe it either.

Morality. Soul. Meaning. Purpose. Motivation. Ego. Consciousness. Fate. Luck. Reason.

We have a vague idea of what those could point to, so in our pride we assume that we can learn more. But what are they. Just concepts. Things you can endlessly talk about without ever bothering to justify their supposed existence. What do we really know. What does anyone know.

Things must exist on the same plane as I do. What we know about physics is probably true and real, other sciences too more or less. Mathematics are useful mind games. Whether I'm just a computer program or a human or a soul stuck in purgatory. I know I exist, and other things must exist too. But I couldn't prove it.

It all started with the question of "what is a person." I believe the best answer is, that it's a moral construct we made up to justify other made up things like rights.

The boundraries to what a person is are all just arbitrary standards to justify what our gut says is right, and a lot of peoples guts disagree.

I don't know what to do with this Information either. I went from having little of an opinion on such metaphysical things to thinking there is no truth* to be found there. It won't change much about how I live initially. I suppose I won't feel as compelled to attibute meaning to these things when I hear people talk about them.

To be so.. nihilistic(?), it doesn't sit right with me. There are still so many things that I think should matter. But to know that there is no formular into which I could plug in the world and get out what matters. It's sad. I want my thoughts and feelings to be rooted in something deeper, but what is there to do that?

I don't know where to start, i don't know where to stop. I'm wondering what should mattet to me and why, and then I remember- mattering is one of those things we can only pretend to make sense of. Call it a feeling if you will. Give it the status of something fleeting, ever changing and of only subjective value.

But feelings... they're important. They change something in people. They can be measured, manipulated and even shared. Perhaps not understood, but they're definitely part of existence. Perhaps not mine or anyone elses, but yours sure are! Where am i going with this.

Ive been lazing around all day and now I'm trying to make up for it by writing some domer pseudo philosophy on tumblr. Bless it for the lack of a character limit. I'm sad and not being stimulated around the clock hurts my head. also I should go to bed.

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I'm now the proud ownder of a vial of Estradiol Enanthate.

Now I just need syringes, needles, a bit more knowledge and a bit of courage and I'll start medically transitioning.

Nice.

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I had a dream that I and a friend and some people discovered some odd secret in a facility we were in, some secret pathway led to the roof where a ton of supplies and money were stached. I don't remember what it was that led my friend to join some sort of rebellion. The rest of the group had already departed, but I decided to accompany him for a bit, though not intending to join the rebellion myself. From the roof we somehow managed to end up back on the grouind floor, in a lobby like place where other people were around too. the door was rather ood, with some fan and a locking mechanism, something something keeping out the periods of dangerous desert wind maybe. When we left the building we began to go seperate ways. he went into some place that reminded me of a bank, I checked my phone with only 1% battery whether or not I was late to class, only to find out that there were no more classes today.

Then I find myself sitting at a table of a school hall, intending to study some document I found, but unable to open it.

I think to myself "I ought to be a dilligent student, maybe some wealthy people will adopt me."

It's all so far from reality.

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I still feel a bit of regret for throwing out that moldy vegetable.

Exclaiming such fascination with zombietwit and the moment I get my chance? I put my tail between my legs.

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So much of life is just getting used to things, for better or worse.

I sorta feel bad considering myself a trans woman and then being fairly indifferent to most people referring to me as male. I'd like to think that's just how you feel when things play out like they did the past 1000 times. I'm so used to people calling and treating me as a man that I don't really care that they do.

Sure, at times I feel a little sad that people don't treat me as gently as they might treat a girl, but I can shrug that off. Most of the time my mind is too occupied with other things to care anyways.

I should be glad I don't, but I sorta wish I suffered more dysphoria, because the lack of it makes me keep wondering if I got it all wrong.

A thread of indifference is woven throughout my life, both into myself and those around me. If nobody cares, why would I.

My androgyneyety is both a blessing and a course. It lets me feel little pain, but that very pain would drive me more strongly than the minor improvements that transitioning would give.

Reminds me of what she said. Something along the lines of "it isn't bad now, but picture yourself in 10 or 20 years, Testosterone will only keep poisoning your body"

I have to keep my eyes on the future for motivation. while being male is tolerable now, I don't expect it to get better.

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the idea of trying to lay aside the transness for a week just to see what happens was answered with a loud and quick no, on my mind.

I feel like that'll just cause me distress and sadness for no good purpose.

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The curve of my trooning out is an odd one. From "I might" to "I need" to "I will".

I'm blessed with gr8 mental health, I could probably go my whole life without it and still be off alright. But I don't want to. I have the option to so why on earth would I not take it.

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I feel jealous of people who get to say they were trans their whole lifes. I'd say the same, because I think that's a thing that happens in early neural development, if not right at conception, but I don't think that even as the memories come back I'll be able to say I *always* felt this way.

For most of my early childhood gender wasn't really a concept to me. For all I knew girls were the ones with longer hair and that's about it. In 1st grade I was jealous of the girls, because they seemed to get along better at school. I only had male irl friends since then, as I grew older talking to females only became harder. still is. I wanted to die around the age of 9, though idk why, I think life just seemed kind of pointless... I really don't know.

The way I spent my free time was sorta.. gender non specific at best. Just video games. I tried to pick up masculine habits a couple times but it never stuck. Idk if shaving and painting nails count as feminine habits, but those did get stuck much better.

I remember feeling gender envy when I saw the picture of shädman before and after transition. There aren't many cases of me having and "I wish that were me" in the optical sense. idk why it never happens with women I see irl, anime girls sometimes though.

Then 2025 cam and for the first time I gave being trans serious consideration and quickly came to adopt it into my identity. There were a few times when I didn't feel much like im really a trans woman, though I felt more strongly to be a girl when I did, then I ever felt I was a man.

The most masculine things about me that I chose for myself are my carrer choicwes, and those were for a major part chosen becauser I'm just good at those things.

Ultimately, ig my brain isn't strictly male or female, especially after years of testosterone. I can excuse those things.

Screw it, I'll take the female hormones anyways because none of the effects scare me and dang I want to at the very least be as pretty as a woman.

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Life after getting up felt rather odd. I laid in bed until I was no longer able to sleep, and got up as though I was moved through an external force. I felt lile my identity was gone. All I knew where the facts of what was going on in life with little sense of being the one reponsible for it.

Like someone just stuck me in a physicist transgirls body overnight. The only plausible thing to do seemed to be continuing her course for simplicity sake.

For a moment I felt tempted to throw it all out the window, to disregard all the self discovery and growth of the past months, to say it was just a phase after all. But why and for what. Because for a moment I was utterly detatched from myself. Because for a moment nothing really mattered to me. All to sooner or later go back to wanting to transition anyways.

It's either wanting nothing or wanting to be a girl. I don't remember the last time I fondly thought about living out the rest of my life poisoned by testosterone. Last time I dramt of being a girl though? What time is it.

Gah, just let me be hapoy with this identity. Can I feel bad about my body instead of feeling bad about my mind.