rowanwilden

[rowanwilden]

[Image description: the Bugs Bunny "I wish all X a very X" meme which shows Bugs Bunny in a black tuxedo with a red rose on his lapel. His eyebrows are raised and he is looking out at the viewer. The text has been edited to read "I wish Christopher Eccleston a very pleasant evening". End image description.]

[rowanwilden]

I'd like to remind everyone that seeing such a radical push towards the right and towards facism is a sign of fear. 60% of the US wants abortion rights, many Russians don't want war with Ukraine, I'd like to think all people in the UK want to be able to critique their government. We have the numbers on our side and the next generation is much more progressive and the people in power know this but they're hoping we tear each other apart before we see this. We're going in the right direction, the government just doesn't reflect this and if anything is trying to combat it.

[rowanwilden]

Solitude wall print - download here

[rowanwilden]

“Make sure you don’t start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don’t value you. Know your worth, even if they don’t.”

— Thema Davis

[rowanwilden]

As someone who was assigned male at birth, still identified as male, but is capable of getting pregnant, I'm so tired and exhausted of being left out of conversations about abortions and reproductive rights. I'm male. I was born and raised that way. I'm still male. I can get pregnant. I'm not included when people explicitly include trans and nonbinary people. I'm sure there are many other intersex people who aren't included by that as well that are also affected by the ability to get an abortion or not. I don't think I have a point with this, it's just so heartbreaking and frustrating. I feel invisible, even to those who try to be inclusive in conversations about reproductive rights.

💜 I feel this so much, anon. You do belong in these conversations and your reproductive rights are just as important. Dyadic people do need to get better about actually including us in discussions about abortions and reproductive rights, especially when there's so much shit we're already dealing with. I can understand how invalidating it is to see people saying things like "things would be different if men could get pregnant" and completely ignoring the fact that men absolutely can get pregnant, and more men than just trans men. Intersex people belong in these conversations and it is really, really shitty when we are left out of them. I share in your heartbreak and frustration, and know that you are not alone in these feelings and that we share them. Feel free to vent in our inbox as much as you want-we're here for you and any intersex people during these difficult times.

-Mod E

[rowanwilden]

Unfortunately this is a time to figure out who gets to have a relationship with you or not. I encourage y'all to talk to your partners or people you've been interested in about roe v wade and bodily autonomy rights if you haven't already. If they don't support roe v wade, then they don't support you.

[rowanwilden]

“I hate men who are afraid of women’s strength.”

Anaïs Nin, Henry and June: From the Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin

[rowanwilden]

[rowanwilden]

a lot of the artists i like work with other people to make their music or other art/content that they make, and i like their work, obviously. 

i really like the idea of working on things on your own though. 

i think there is maybe more potential for something to appeal to a wider audience if more people have worked on it, and maybe if there is only one person working on something, then the work might be more niche. but i think that is alright. 

i think i would rather make something that is entirely from me and authentic and have it reach like one person who could benefit from it, and for myself to feel contented and satisfied with the work, than to collaborate to make something with mass appeal, or even something that i would like but with other people’s help; i’m really curious as to what i can do on my own.

i just read that sky ferreira recorded night time, my time in two weeks, i guess she had some assistance, but she financed the record herself and it is acclaimed. obviously not every signed artist in hindered from making the music they want to make, but it’s always inspiring to me to hear about people with limited resources making things that are still appreciated. or like grimes who i think is self-taught, who records, produces, performs and engineers her albums herself. she often does the artwork for them as well and co-directs the music videos.

there’s also this issue where when you have a female artist who collaborates on their output, partly out of misogyny, and this misconception that female popstars are puppets for svengali producers, maybe people dont understand what a writing or production credit are, they think that the women is just singing the songs even when they wrote, produced, or co-produced the songs as well. so i do feel a little bit of, well i must do it on my own (assuming i ever release anything) so that i can say i did it on my own. 

[rowanwilden]

i am writing a new album, different than the one i mentioned in the last blog post. i read an interview from pc music signee hyd and it really just shifted my worldview a lot.

the songs i mentioned last week, they were the result of ten years of thought and experience and i think sometimes… you just need to resolve something psychologically to get to the thing that you are actually, not supposed to be doing but, like a higher potential than what you had initially envisioned.

i have a history of starting songs and not finishing them which is okay if you aren’t trying to become a professional musician! a lot of my writing has come from a place of wanting to have that catharsis that i can’t get from anything else, and so writing in general and writing lyrics has been very therapeutic, i can see that i’m a lot calmer and more stable a person now than a few years ago, and i’m a bit proud of that work that i have done and progress that i have made.

i am also, maybe not so much now, but a few years ago, i was surprised that you can make so much progress spiritually and psychologically just through journalling? nobody told me that. well, i had a friend who used to tell me to go within, i never really understood what she meant. but yeah writing as simple as it may seem has really healed me in a lot of ways, freed me from a lot of things. like they say, everything you need is inside you or whatever.

anyway, i do hope i — i guess i dont mind too much if i dont actually finish these songs and put them out. it might be nice to put something out before i die though 🙃.

i dont really know if it’s an album either, there are fewer songs than what would normally go on an album, and they need work, so if i finish them, i dont know yet how long they will be, or if any more will be joining them. i dont really want to add anymore, so i guess i should call it an ep.

❤️ 

[rowanwilden]

[rowanwilden]

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”

— Alexander den Heijer

[rowanwilden]

I WROTE MY FUCKING SONGS

I WROTE THE SONGS ABOUT THE FUCKIGN THINGS I’VE BEEN THINKING ABUOT FOR TEN YEARS NOW

THESE SONGS HAVE BEEN GESTATING FOR TEN YEARS AND I’VE WRITTEN THE FUCKING SONGS I AM SO HAPPY. SO SO HAPPY. THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL. 

The lyrics, i have written the lyrics and i have some music/melodies in mind. 

i am very happy. that is all. 

[rowanwilden]

“I was everything I needed.”

— Xoài Phạm, from “The Greatest Pleasure”

[rowanwilden]

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

[rowanwilden]

About ten years ago, I wanted to be famous, as famous as I was needed to reach everybody I could help with my work, I knew that more than I knew what I wanted my music to sound like for example. And now it’s ten years later and I have only released a few songs before, I have been struggling a lot to work on music and keep up with my other responsibilities.

Daniel Howell posted a new video recently and it really made me angry, he’d basically been strung along by YouTube for the better part of a year, while he waited for his dream projects to come to fruition, they got to use his face and his legacy as a creator on the platform to make YouTube look good in front of various for want of a better word mainstream/traditional audiences.

And he was really chill about it, except for having developed an anxiety disorder (!)

It just feels like such a massive piss-take when one of the biggest creators on the platform (biggest in terms of national and international historical impact, not necessarily recently/numbers-wise) cannot get an email responded to from the platform they helped make relevant. Not just the disrespect but the manipulation of it. To parade your prize pony when it suits you but not make true to your commitments, it’s really shitty behaviour and I hate it.

But besides being angry, it made me feel like, I don’t want to let anything prevent me from creating and releasing content, and I don’t want to become dependent on one platform. And I also am willing to be famous if it means I get to call bullshit out in a public setting.

[rowanwilden]

So I’m having this realisation that having a desire to connect to other people is making me miserable. I’ll go into social interactions somewhat against my will and then not interact or at least feel like I’m not performing well and come away feeling less than because I didn��t make some kind of positive impact. Or I’ll go to an online space and it’ll all be bad news, no-one is working on fixing the problem mentioned, at least the majority aren’t, I feel impotent and despairing. When I could be spending that time doing something on my own, fulfilling my own goals and feel empowered and accomplished by my own actions.

I think there is a lot of pressure to be social and be good at social interaction and I’ve sort of decided that my inability to interact with other people is because of childhood trauma and not because I would have been this way anyway.

And wanting to, at least I used to want to impact people through being some level of a public figure, or through social media, where now instagram stresses me out and I never knew what to say on twitter. And obviously tumblr is social media but I’m more comfy in these spaces for reasons I’ve not considered as yet.

I’m told that I wouldn’t make eye contact with people as a baby, like I would turn my head away if a stranger tried to look at me. I feel like I’m just like this and I can’t help it. 

When I think of some of the people I have known who seem to excel in social situations, those same people do not get on with everyone, have questionable morals/a lack of integrity, so it’s like, why do I want to be like that person, those people, if I don’t think they are good people, being able to make cheerful conversation doesn’t make you a better person than someone who can’t do that easily.