sabrinaisajediknight-blog - Tumblr blog

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July 18th and three previous days.

I am so so low. I feel like I’m melting. Everything feels slow. I’m so sad. Crying and wailing. I want this feeling to stop and there’s nothing that seems to help. I don’t want anyone to know me. I don’t have the energy to fulfill my end of a relationship. I feel lost. I wonder who I am. I feel like I’m nothing and life will continue amounting to nothingness. I feel like I’m here for no reason, just a life that doesn’t matter. I’m too exhausted to try. I’ll stay here because i know im supposed to but it hurts to even move. I’ll be here but I don’t want to. Im tired. I want to be forgotten. Please leave me alone. Please don’t make me try to be present because I truly cannot right now. I know that I will come out of it because I always do. Im documenting this because I know that this may be a key to help me in my journey to feel better. I’ve been taking this medication to help me and I knew I would lose my highs but oh my god these lows refuse to leave. I burn bridges while not doing anything, while im too tired to try all these bridges are burning. And I don’t have the strength right now to put the flames out. So I just sit here.. lie here while my surroundings go up in flames, too stone like to do anything about it. A chaotic brain in a lifeless body. Because of this nobody knows that I am screaming for help. Nobody knows the pain I am feeling. To them i appear cold and heartless. I know that they are wondering just what did they do wrong for me to lose interest in them. I can’t answer. I need someone who knows that I feel powerless. I need someone who knows that this is as loud as I can shout right now. I really hope that they are still there when I find the strength to tell them I still love them.

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My depressed tantrum

Death calls me

He sees that I’m filled with misery and bleakness. He offers me a hand

He pities me

And I long to throw myself into his open arms. Let him hold me. Stroke my hair. Tell me I can rest now, while I weep

Weep because I’m so tired

As if I’ve been forced to walk a million miles and have finally been allowed to collapse

He is not malicious, he is merciful

He only offers me a seat when I’ve earned his sympathy

I do try. Sometimes I’m okay. Only because I’m supposed to be

I think I’m supposed to be okay because other people are uncomfortable with me not being okay and comfort is important

Helping is more work than others are willing to take on but, guilt is powerful

So they pretend I’m okay and they expect me to do the same because that is the polite thing do to

I guess I’m not comfortable making others feel uncomfortable

So I will keep it to myself

And it’s not fair. I’m trying so hard. I’m doing all the right things. I take my medicine everyday

I should be better or at least getting better

Can’t you see, I don’t want to be sad anymore

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My kitty pants when she plays

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First I was bored... now I have bangs. Song as old as time

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Tribute to Fallin’ by Alicia Keys

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This is how my cat wakes me up in the morning

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At work like,

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The Kamisama Boys are my vitamins I take everyday

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If you haven’t watched Kamisama Kiss…like what are you even doing?

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Kamisama Hajimemashita (source by weibo@耽美同人动漫)

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They say that we should love our self first before other people learn to love us. but it’s not as easy as it seems. sometimes, we need someone to accept us and love us first. then, we would learn to see ourselves through that person’s eyes and learn to love our self…