sadboywithdid

[sadboywithdid]

idk who needs to hear this but ever since DID blew up and became trendy, it has harmed people actually diagnosed with DID and made a mockery of us and our disabilities.

This isn't just an online problem. It has spread to real life, and I have had people try and tell me that I am a murderer for working to integrate. I have had people while working customer service pretend to "switch" in front of me and say "so sorry, I have undiagnosed endogenic DID, now my name is x. Oh let me explain everything to you about this fun thing called plurality"

I just walked away from them, made my co worker check them out bc it was deeply triggering for me to deal with. I was diagnosed many many years ago, and never had to deal with this kind of shit before COVID. I didn't have to deal with hearing how traumatizing it is for the store to not have a certain pack of pens in stock or how traumatizing a mask mandate is.

And everyone is so quick to claim they can't afford a diagnostic eval but i highly doubt they put in the same amount of effort into sliding scale and low income options as they did to biasedly "researching" the diagnosis they want.

When I lost insurance and I had to switch therapists in 2022, she did so much to validate my diagnosis from my previous psych and still had me re assesed and rediagnosed, and after having done so she told me it's bc the diagnosis blew up on TikTok and they were getting too many kids claiming it.

so please stop with this fucking nonsense. I refuse to refer to myself as a system. I refuse to even use words like host or switch because the internet has thoroughly ruined it. Made a mockery of a deeply complex trauma disorder. Ableist af.

[sadboywithdid]

This disorder has destroyed my life and my relationships. I dont have "cute little brain people." Its simply just terrifying aspects of myself that take control and leave me void of the events that have occurred. No matter how badly I want to believe that I do not have this, no matter how badly I try to just be okay, I struggle. I want it to end.

[sadboywithdid]

This disorder is horrific. I feel constantly out of control of myself. I just keep unraveling.

I'm too old to be struggling. I just want to get on with my life, but I feel the trauma of my childhood, like it is stored in my nerves. And when it is triggered, my control is gone, and I become merely a ghost. And then my marriage gets ruined.

Are the words I'm writing even real? is anything?

Perhaps I don't have this disorder. Hopefully I will get undiagnosed next week. Hopefully I'll wake up soon, and this life I've lived will all have just been a dream.

[sadboywithdid]

DID is the most embarrassing disorder on the planet. I will never go to any high school or college reunion because not a single person knows who I am - they simply know the broken and delusional pieces.

My childhood was robbed by my abuser, but this disorder has robbed everything after. I'm too embarrassed of myself and my past to keep friendships. I cringe at myself daily when I remember how overt this disorder was. Nobody knows who I am. They simply know the broken and delusional pieces.

I truly cannot fathom how anyone can think this is cool, fun, quirky, or something simplistic enough to self diagnose. I do not understand why people want this. I would be far more successful in my life, goals, and dreams had this not become the reality I know.