sadrunner

[sadrunner]

[sadrunner]

i just always feel like such a huge unlovable failure and disappointment. i am constantly hurting from rejection and that rejection makes me lash out and sabotage anything and everything good in my life. maybe i'm expecting too much but i need to be given compliments and i want him to check me out and tell me i'm pretty and to feel that he's actually attracted to me otherwise why would i not think that i'm just a monster? i always feel like i'm not good enough and that i'm just a complete let down. i need more sex too but it's not just about the sex, i need reassurance that the attraction is still there otherwise i start to feel the need to find validation elsewhere. perhaps it's too much to ask but i thought that 5 years into the relationship things would be different.. maybe we just show our love too differently to each other, and maybe we're just not compatible in that way. as soon as he has any stress in his life (which is often) all the space and time he has for me disappears, and it's like i'm not important anymore. when i feel sad and lonely i want to have sex to forget about those feelings, but he's the complete opposite to me and sex is the last thing he wants. it's hard for me to not feel resentment towards him for it, and i feel like i'm being unfair, but i'm just sick of being left out in the cold :'( i need romance and physical contact in my life

[sadrunner]

beach days ❤️❤️❤️

[sadrunner]

[sadrunner]

[sadrunner]

12 years later, i'm still suppressing my emotions

[sadrunner]

Every time something is going good in my life I find a new way to sabotage it for myself. I fucked everything up yesterday morning and now I just can't manage to pull myself out of this emotional pit :( I've wasted my entire weekend because I refuse to stop being upset lol

[sadrunner]

date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me

[sadrunner]

seeing my new psych for the first time tonight and i'm sooo nervous 😥

[sadrunner]

recently visited edgar's mission animal sanctuary and had the absolute best time!!! 😍🥰🐄🐐

it's honestly impossible to be sad while cuddling a cow ❤️

[sadrunner]

i miss the days before facebook had a lock profile option because it's really interfered with my obsessive *checking up* of all the people i no longer talk to lol

[sadrunner]

[sadrunner]

blink were so good and played almost everything that everyone loved but i'm sad i didn't get to hear my two faves, go and carousel :( otherwise it was a great show and i'm glad we decided to go

[sadrunner]

i wanna do something so unhealthy and irresponsible

[sadrunner]

i've been wanting to see a pysch for such a long time, my mental health has been completely down the toilet for the better part of a year and i have purposely sabotaged so much of the good in my life (although life has been a bit better the last few months with all the summer sunshine), but now that i'm finally in process of going ahead with seeing someone i'm blank on the reasons i need to go lol. i got a call back today, they said they've found someone available in my area and asked if i still wanted to go ahead with it. i said yes but i really wanted to say no. suddenly i feel almost totally fine and "normal", and can't seem to find a single thing wrong with myself. now it just feels like a complete waste of time and resources, like all the bad things in my head were never real and the therapy will just be wasted on me. i know it's just the fear and anxiety of opening up to a psych again that's making me second guess myself but jesus i feel like such a fake now lmao

[sadrunner]

this is exactly why it's so important to educate. this is why we "police" language and tell you what words to use instead. because this is how you actively perpetuate stigmas and demonise a whole group of people. and this is how it keeps spreading because within three days this first comment has received 25 likes, which may not seem like much now, but those 25 people spread this "knowledge" to 25 other people and so on and so forth.

again: narcissists are people with narcissistic personality disorder. a cluster B PD that is usually developed through abuse trauma (and genetic predispositon). gaslighting is a term used for the act of knowingly making somebody doubt themselves and their sanity (how they perceive events, their memories, etc.). being self-absorbed and not taking responsibility for certain behaviours is something every person is capable of. it's not "narcissistic abuse". it's emotional abuse. every person is capable of it.

stop calling everybody a narcissist because they've done something like this. it's not right. it's just another term y'all picked up on the internet without ever doing research about what it means or where it really comes from. and of course it's just another way for y'all to demonise people and stigmatise mental disorders you think make somebody abusive and unworthy of being part of disability and mental health activism...

[sadrunner]

the older i get the more i see how fucked up my mum is and the more angry i get at her for not only being a shitty parent (and now grandparent), but also for straight up refusing to take care of herself or work on her mental health at any point during her life. i don't understand the stigma she has towards her own mental health, because when it comes to anyone else having issues she seems pretty understanding and sympathetic, but when it's in regards to herself she's just dismissive or deflects entirely. why can't she admit she has problems when all her kids are traumatised, depressed, anxious, suicidal, and can barely function in society??? it just makes no sense to me.

i used to be convinced that she would grow out of her selfish/toxic behaviour, or that she would eventually hit her rock bottom and make the decision to change her life. under these beliefs i was able to excuse her ways to an extent, always optimistic that she would get better and become the mum i've always wanted, but now i see she doesn't want to change and will probably never improve. and it's so disappointing. of course i still love her but i struggle to not hate her too. yes she has tried her best to be a good mother, but that doesn't mean her attempt was any less shit. my whole life she's just made excuses for her terrible parenting, and now that i have a niece it's becoming painfully obvious that she is no different now than when we were kids. in fact she's even worse than before. if she's not careful she's going to lose any chance of a real relationship with her grandkids. she doesn't even realise how close she is to that becoming reality.

it's impossible for me to have any kind of meaningful relationship with her now. it makes me sad but i can't keep trying to support her through the same shit over and over and over again while she's making zero effort to make things better for herself. she just lives in denial and blames everyone else. she's always a victim, always needs something or someone to complain about. it's really quite sad that she can't see that she's only a victim to her own choices.