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Its done!!! Surgery is over!

[saphinaspeaks]

I'll soon be prepping for surgery. It will help with a potentially dangerous outcome.

Most people manage this outcome just fine, but to do so would put me at great risk of self harm, or worse.

I cant lie and say the current socio-political environment isnt affecting this decision. But....

Its also a kind of victory. Taking my fate by the horns and making a decision about what's possible. Not leaving my fate surrendered to the Gods whims.

Will i regret it?

Ive managed to regret every decision I've ever made. This will be no different.

Will my partner regret it? Only time will tell. I already told him that if he wants something I can no longer give him, I will set him free.

I will be missing something crucial to my experience as a woman. Something that inherently bonds women together.

But I will be free, and safe, and protected. I will be able to put my family first and make sure I dont have any unexpected problems.

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Don't feel like I can celebrate pride month because I live in a conservative area. I dont need ANOTHER thing to be paranoid about.

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Anniversary with my significant other. We always watch shitty movies.

Movie of choice: killer clowns from outer space

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How to explain to someone that they can't magically fix your sewer-slidal ideation.

You can give me all the love in the world, and I can have everything I want in life, and my shitt-ass brain is still gonna say "hmmm guess it's time die"

[saphinaspeaks]

I have eaten 3 eggs today, I'm practically royalty at this point.

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Had a realization today about something I've taken to calling "the poverty portion"

When you see other people eating multiple sources of protein in a day. Like, eggs for breakfast, AND a piece of chicken for dinner?!

That's a different tax bracket girl.

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Well I think i ruined my psychiatrist. I briefly mentioned a delusion I have when he asked about it, and he put his head in his hands.

Guess he wasn't ready for that

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I bring nothing but suffering.

My pain rules my family. They are prisoner to my trauma.

I am nothing but a plague on my family.

I shouldn't have survived my attempt.

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Read through some medical records today. (Honestly BIG MISTAKE)

Apparently they aren't sure if I'm schizo-affective, or BPD.

This is fucking news to me!!! I've asked repeatedly what my diagnosis is, am I schizophrenic etc.

NO ONE WOULD TELL ME SHIT.

No one told me I'm anemic, no one told me my A1C was low, no one tells me shit!!!

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I need someone to settles this debate for me, anybody please

If your going to beat someone's ass, do you put on shoes?

Maybe it's the tism. But ass beating Is definitely a shoe activity imo.

Beating ass in your sock-feet?!

Abhorrent.

[saphinaspeaks]

I feel like I'm feeling a brand new fear I've never felt before.

For years I had nothing to lose, just me, unwanted, unhappy, alone.

But now I have a family who need me and I'm trapped in that fear.

[saphinaspeaks]

the spirit is unwilling and the flesh it feels not so good also