sapphic-diary

[sapphic-diary]

How I Knew I Was a Lesbian Instead of Bi

I don't know who needs to hear this during Pride Month, but I wanted to share some things that helped me realize I was actually a lesbian rather than bi. As someone who watched a bunch of videos on the difference, it made me more confused than helpful because my experience was not the same. In fact, I was pretty boy crazy and wanted a boyfriend. I enjoyed having my previous boyfriends around, but there was always something off and I knew that deep down. So, I hope my experiences will resonate with someone who doesn't feel repulsed by men.

Continuously struggling with wanting to go on dates, do romantic things, or receive romantic gifts with my boyfriend. However, picturing my boyfriend as a girl made me suddenly feel motivated.

When I broke up with my previous boyfriends, it felt more like I was grieving the loss of a good friend. Although, I was happy that I was free of any romantic/ sexual expectations with a man.

Not feeling like I understood the difference between platonic and romantic attraction because my attraction to every man was the same. I would use the level of emotional closeness I felt to guys to figure out which one I had a "crush" on. Although, I did understand the difference clearly between women I found attractive and women I just viewed as a friend.

Feeling completely out of place when girls would talk about how hot a guy was. I kept wondering what about the guy was giving them that strong of a reaction.

Being confused why it took so much energy to reciprocate romantic and sexual feelings/ actions when I knew I loved them in some capacity. I kept comparing myself to other girls to figure out what was going on with me and why they were able to feel things so easily for the guys they were with. Figuring it was something I needed to "fix" within myself to better in the relationship.

Laying awake at night praying the romantic/ sexual expectations they had of me in the relationship would go away.

Being able to visualize an idea of a woman, a specific woman, or a general vibe of the type of woman I was interested in doing romantic or sexual things with. Visualizing romance with men was about how we could hangout with one another, blurred out faces, or focusing on specific body parts so I never had to look at him in the face in my fantasies

Dating women felt like life was being breathed into me where I had enough energy to go about my daily life, invest in hobbies, and my general life. Acts of love came naturally and I felt comfortable taking time for myself. Dating men felt like a checklist of activities and feeling like I had to be around them all the time so the feelings I had for them wouldn't suddenly disappear (hence very codependent relationships would start)

Having to apologize to my boyfriends for sending them love songs with "she/her" pronouns because I didn't know any love songs about men (how did I not know).

Bragging to my friends about being able to keep keep a straight face with mlm and straight romance stories. Simultaneously dodging any media surrounding wlw or an attractive woman in it because I would feel something and that was terrifying.

Suddenly losing "attraction" in men when they would change anything about their aesthetic. Causing confusion and panic because I was wondering where my feelings towards them had gone. However, a woman changing her appearance drastically didn't have an effect on my attraction towards her.

Wondering why my "attraction" to men was so inconsistent and seemed to disappear so easily. I would continue to test my attraction to them and keep it in the back of my head every time I was in a relationship with a man. I knew if I didn't try and stimulate those "feelings" 24/7, I would never feel them again and that was scarier.

Obviously, these are only a handful of experiences because I didn't want to make this too long. I remember how lost I felt during this process of discovery so I hope this brings some comfort in those who can relate. I was someone who switched back and forth between being a lesbian and bi several times over the course of a decade! So, I understand how difficult it can be and know that even if you got to this point and you're still unsure, know that I see you. As always, labels are a personal choice, you know your experience with your sexuality best, and trust your gut instinct.