satansxlapxcat

[satansxlapxcat]

I want someone to fall for me when watching the way my eyes light up while the colors of fireworks glint in their reflection

[satansxlapxcat]

Hahahaha I just realized in therapy that I am missing an entire chunk of memory from my childhood because ✨trauma✨

[satansxlapxcat]

All I want is a guy that respects me, adores me, is emotionally intelligent, tells me I’m a good girl doing such a good job, and dicks me down so hard I can’t think straight.

The bar is in hell. I’m really not asking for a lot here.

[satansxlapxcat]

I am one more “I’ll do big things soon” from a man in his 30’s away from giving up

[satansxlapxcat]

Hinge said “Send more likes so we know what you’re looking for” as if there are men to “like”

[satansxlapxcat]

New Romance is...

Thrilling. Butterfly stomach inducing. Blushing when they look you directly in the eye while saying something flattering. Encompassing more thought than what is seemingly sane. Waiting on the edge of the seat for the next time you get to meet.

As soon as the light of day reaches it though... That's when the butterflies begin to wilt.

When your anxious attachment creeps in. When their own busy life mismatches yours and plans get cancelled and rescheduled again and again. When you start to doubt if they really like you at all.

Logically, you understand. Life is complicated, things get in the way, people are busy. We all know and get it.

The thing is, when you've never been anyone's first choice, never been anyone's priority, it just makes that voice in the back of your head that you try to keep under lock and key get a little louder. The voice that tells you, "no matter how wonderful of a person you find they won't care about you." What also isn't helpful is that you've used the same excuses to get out of seeing the people you didn't really like enough to follow through with, so it all feels like some twisted karmic comeuppance.

I wish I could say that liking someone new is the worst, because truthfully it's not. That, and by saying something like that I don't want the universe to think I don't want to find my person, because I do. I really, really do. I am just so tired.

Of course getting to know someone new is work, that not everything is sunshine and roses from day one, and that life isn't a romantic comedy, but god wouldn't it be just wonderful if it was for once? Wouldn't it be wonderful for someone to sweep you off of your feet?

I guess part of the disappointment comes from the fact that no one has ever cared about you as deeply as you have for them. At least, not in the same way. Even if they do care about you and maybe even love you, if they aren't able to reach into the same depths of love that you can it will never feel like they love you enough. And maybe that's part of my problem.

No matter how much of a tough exterior I put up, I am so anxious to finally be able to let it fall away that lately I've been letting it go too soon. I've been so tired of being let down that I keep thinking, "This has to be it this time. This has to be my person. The universe can't possibly have another lesson to teach me." Unfortunately for me, there are lessons galore.

[satansxlapxcat]

To the girls who's mothers traumatized them

Are you jealous of the girls with good moms too? Do you wish, like I do, that your mom was like the ones in the movies? You know, like in Easy-A or The Princess Diaries?

I haven't spoken to mine in almost five years. I almost typed three, but then it hit me. It's been nearly five years.

Only recently have I started allowing myself to grieve the fact that she wasn't who I needed her to be. Grieving for someone who is still alive felt like the weirdest concept to me when my therapist first brought it up. How can someone grieve for the loss of someone that's still around?

The thing that you're grieving though is the thing that little you needed most and that you would kill to have had. This grief not a feeling that is always at the front of my mind like when you lose a loved one, but as soon as someone talks about their mom and the great relationship that they have, it all comes rushing in. All of a sudden, I can feel my chest caving in and my throat getting tighter and tighter. I keep my mouth shut, I smile and nod, and I try not to let it show that it's killing me.

It's a feeling that has always been there, but I used to call it jealousy. Heck, maybe it still is on some level. When I was still a kid and living with her I would push it down because it was the only thing I could do to survive. To make it long enough until I was old enough to get out on my own. I couldn't let her know how I wanted to live with dad instead, otherwise she'd take her life. That isn't something I was being dramatic about - It's something she'd actually threatened to do once before. Now that I'm older I wish I would have called her bluff.

Grieving. I am grieving for what I deserved and only got glimpses of once upon a time. I am grieving the fact that I had to learn to mask my own emotional turmoil because how dare anyone be allowed to feel poorly when she had it worse. I am grieving the mom who I could have had friends over for a sleepover and who would have gone all out for snacks and movies and gossiped with us. I am grieving the woman who wouldn't have used me as a pawn to squeeze more money out of my dad for her own gain when he was trying to save up for my college.

Sure, there is still a lot of anger too and that's all I felt for a long time. The grief is something I've just started to allow myself to feel because it was easier to be angry than to let myself cry about it. I just wish I never had to feel like this. I wish she had been good. I wish she had been stable. I wish she hadn't pushed away everyone who cared about her. Most of all, I wish she could still be in my life.

But that can't happen. She is selfish, she invalidates peoples feelings, she has a victim complex, and most of all she is one of the most cruel people I've ever met. No one should allow someone like that in their lives. It's just worse when it's your mom and everyone tells you, "well, she is your mother you have to love her".

The thing is, she's not my mother. She's simply the woman who gave birth to me.

[satansxlapxcat]

[satansxlapxcat]

Reset & Relax

So I just had one of my best friends fly out and crash with me for a long weekend. He's on leave from his high stress lawyer job, so we figured why not?

It was such a fun weekend, but we both are starting to feel our late twenties. When we met six years ago while he was still living here we were both 21 and 22 and boy did we act like it. He was an absolute whore, I was simply a baby slut, and we were out until 3am every weekend doing our rounds at Purr (now Queer/Bar), R-Place (r.i.p.), and The Cuff. iykyk.

Now, in our late twenties at 27 and 28... We tried... But while we were responsible and did a Love Is Blind watch party wine hang with friends on Friday night, and only went bonkers at Supernova on Saturday night, we were still home by 1am, there were still plenty of naps, and full skin care routines done before brunch the next day.

While for our standards this was a very tame weekend, and what some would say wholesome, now that he's flown back I am in much need of a reset. You know - have some alone time, restocking the fridge with a fresh Trader Joe's haul, cooking at home, and actually working out.

I don't know what it is but whenever I get out of my habitual rhythm, even if for only four days, I need a hard reset before I can feel like a human again. Though, I will say that the only way I've really noticed how well my habits have been treating me is by getting back to my old ways every once in a while. You know - going out to eat or ordering takeout, eating sugary snacks before bed, drinking too much wine/gin/vodka/younameit - the good 'ol times.

Maybe it's just because I'm 28 now and my body for sure can't do what it did six years ago, and maybe the big 3-0 looming makes me feel like I need to be some type of way, but god there is nothing like getting back into a cozy and healthy routine after being knocked out of it. It really makes you realize how much you've grown and how much less of an extrovert you are now than thought you were.

One thing about me - now that I've been saying "no" to plans more often to not stretch myself too thin and run myself ragged (thanks therapy), I've really figured out how much I love my me time.

No, just because I'm not going out tonight or seeing friends doesn't mean I don't have plans. I'm busy at home.

[satansxlapxcat]

Fill yourself up with so much self love, so that you stop making decisions and creating attachments out of what you may lack. Don’t continue to make homes out of wounds.

[satansxlapxcat]

Motivation. Who is she and where can I find her?

Lately, I'm not sure about you, but my timeline has blown up with content around getting your body in shape for summer.

"We're only eight weeks away from getting our bodies outside! Get that waist teeny and that ass tight!"

I mean, yes, hell yes, I want to be the baddest babe out on these Seattle lakes this summer. The thing is though, where on Earth do I find the motivation to get going balls to the walls in the gym?

Two years ago (omg - two whole years), I was in great shape. Going to the gym three times a week and watching what I ate - When I think back to that time though, a lot was different.

First off, things were only just opening back up as long as you masked up. Second, my job required almost no thought for me because it was a low level RC job at one of the big Seattle tech firms. Third, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend did most of the cooking. I didn't have many plans with friends because we were still sticking close to bubbles, I wasn't burnt out after work, and I didn't have to worry about making dinner and could come home from the gym, kiss my boyfriend hello while he was cracking into dinner, shower up, and that'd be it.

Long story short, I had more time.

At the beginning of this month, I started a new (and so far the easiest) planning ritual. I color code activities I do either on a weekly or monthly basis, plan out what days I will do what, and that's my schedule for the month. It's been great so far for everything! Everything except, you guessed it, working out.

While I do still somehow make time for the gym twice a week - barely - it's likely not on the days I've 'scheduled'. And even then, I am absolutely dragging or figuring out a way out of it.

Today for instance, I got amazing news from work (a director in my org sought me out for an open position and while my VP said she'd 'cry her eyes out' if I left my department that she'd welcome it if it meant growth in my career), so I decided that I'd skip the gym and let myself celebrate a bit. Celebration meaning having a glass of wine, poured to the brim, up on my rooftop in the chilled but sunny Seattle early evening, and reading more of a book I'm stuck into.

Why on earth would I celebrate wonderful news (being highly regarded at work - wow) by going to the gym?

Honestly, I wish I was more like my dad in this regard. His coping mechanism is going to the gym. He goes. Every. Day. That's how he deals with anything - by doing something active. If I would've grown up in his house instead of my BPD mothers maybe it'd be easier for me to dig up the motivation to go to the gym more often...

But this also isn't just a difference from my situation two years ago versus now or how I wish working out was my coping mechanism, I think deep down it's a difference in how I feel about my life.

Two years ago, sure, I had more time and a boyfriend who did wonderful things like cook dinner most nights. What I failed to let sink in at the time was that I also felt that I had lost all direction in my life and had no control over what was happening to me. Classic pandemic vibes, right?

I'd lost my (still favorite) job in the entertainment industry which was an industry I wanted to be in forever and made a career plan for, I had been unhappy in my relationship for months, and everything felt like it was crumbling around me and I'd never be on solid ground again.

Here comes the obsession with my weight... ⚠️ TW ⚠️

The only thing I could control was how I looked. What I ate and how hard I pushed myself at the gym were the only things I had absolute control over. Not my feelings (I had only just started therapy at that point), not my career (pandemic, remember?), and certainly not how my boyfriend wished I was someone I am not (maybe I'll talk about that another time).

So I went for it. I counted every calorie, only drank on Sunday's because football and even then made sure to count the liquid calories, I tracked all of my workouts and did cardio until I almost couldn't breathe - I let it consume me.

As the pounds came off, I was happy I was reaching my high school weight, my tummy was flatter, I had a thigh gap for the first time ever in my life - I felt accomplished, but in the end it didn't actually make me happy. I was still in a dead end job, still unhappy in my relationship, and still not able to see my friends the way I used to.

Honestly, I am not sure if it's a lack of motivation so much as how much I really feel like I need to make my waist smaller and my ass fatter. Certainly, no one has ever turned me down before. Do I wish I had a flatter tummy and slimmer facial features? Sure. But that's between me, societal beauty expectations, and my own inner critic.

I mean I'm not out of shape, hell I climb 160 floors on the stairmaster and kick ass in a boxing class every week, but I know that I don't want to go back to the mental place I was in to get the body I had two years ago. She was boarding on an ED with the way she would try to compete with herself to eat less calories than she was allotted that day.

I don't want to be her again, but it would be nice to find a way to get the motivation to maybe look more like her.

[satansxlapxcat]

[satansxlapxcat]

[satansxlapxcat]

[satansxlapxcat]

Not another crush...

Oh no. Not again. I can't keep letting myself feel this way. I mean, I should because it's healthy to let yourself feel your feelings, but it's terrifying.

Honestly, I should probably do more digging about what my attachment style is because I have a feeling I am some horrible mix of insecure and avoidant. The way that I can so easily go ghost when I am no longer into someone is stone cold, but the way I get so anxious when I do like someone and I am not sure if they like me back is scary.

When I like someone, like when I am totally smitten, it's always followed by this fear that the other shoe is going to drop and they'll just get tired of me the same way I have grown tired of so many before them. Almost like if I show them how much I like them that they will get the ick, think I am clingy, and go ghost.

The amount of reassurance I need from someone to know if they like me is kind of a lot. Like, if they don't message me first, rather than assuming they're busy I just think they don't want to talk to me or I'm not on their mind. I want to know I'm on their mind because they're certainly on mine.

I've only been on one date with this guy and I came away from it so taken by him that it has my head spinning. The way he paid attention to and remembered things I mentioned while we were talking leading up to the date, how he noticed how I blushed when he complimented me and said how cute it was, when he held my hand while we were walking and said how we fit together, the way he looked at me with this heat in his eyes... And don't get me started on the way he kissed every inch of my body like no one ever has before...

My heart can't handle being this full this fast. I am not sure if I'm crying right now because I am overwhelmed or because I am terrified that I didn't have anywhere close to the same effect he's had on me.

While I can logically understand his lack of follow up these past two days, like how he was hungover the next day and didn't feel great and so because of that he's had to train twice as much today to make up for it, I can't help but listen to that nagging little voice in the back of my head saying, "he hasn't hit you up because he got what he wanted and doesn't want to come back for more." More not just being more physically, but more being more of me as a person.

Do I just play the game and not hit him up until he reaches out to me? Or is he actually just really busy and will my playing mind games make him think that I actually like to play games and drive him away?

I really just hate dating. I just want someone to fall madly in love with me, admit they can never live without me, would burn the world down for me, hold a boom box outside my window playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and have that be that.

[satansxlapxcat]

When you're comfy in the void

You know that moment when you realize that you're in the bad place again? Kind of hits you like, "Ohhhh that's why I feel listless".

Honestly, it's kind of exhausting just to be thinking hard enough to even be typing this out right now. This is the not cute side of ✨no thought in head✨

The feeling of wanting nothing more than to mute your incessant Slack pings and zone out on a TV show while also scrolling on TikTok to do as much as possible to make sure there's no way any thought can generate in your head. I know that's not actually helpful, but it's such a good bandaid.

I guess the worst part is feeling like the time you spent feeling better, wondering if this is the time it sticks, all was for nothing and you should just resign yourself to not even trying anymore. That exercise you were getting into the groove of? Didn't work. That healthy trip to the grocery store? No match for the bag of leftover valentines day candy you kept in the freezer. Days like this are when your brain tries to tell you, "welp, you tried, but none of it will ever work".

Honestly though, that's utter bullshit. Because it did work. Even if my brain chemistry decides to throw me for an extreme loop when xyz happens, it doesn't mean that those healthier habits weren't making me happy before the void came back.

But when you're in the void again, it almost feels comfortable. Like, welcome back old friend here is a blanket and your favorite movie, stay a while.

I just wish I could figure out the formula to get out of the void. Like how everyone has their own "cure" for the hiccups, I wish us folks who suffer from ✨depression✨ had a "cure" that got us out of the void and back into the sunny place. We all have heard from our therapists that exercise and healthy diet works, and I know it does in the long term, but like... Can I find something easier to jump my battery?

I will say though, a temporary jump for me is usually blasting a 10 hour playlist I made of emo music from my youth and getting cute to meet up with friends. That's what I'll do tonight.

[satansxlapxcat]

8 Rules for Self-Respect

Keep your standards high. For yourself, your relationships, your career, and everything. Don't settle for less; know your worth. <3

Don't tolerate people who put you down, lie to you, or try to take advantage of you. The more you allow people to mistreat you, the less they will respect you. Stand up for yourself!!

Don't chase. What belongs to you will find you, and the people who care for you will stay by your side. So don't make a fool out of yourself by chasing something that's running away from you.

No more people pleasing. Learn to say "no". You don't have to apologise or explain yourself; saying no is completely fine.

Figure out which people in your circle make you feel good and who is draining your energy. Don't surround yourself with those who waste your energy.

Take care of yourself. How are you going to be confident and respect yourself if you don't care for yourself?? Invest time, energy, discipline, money and love into becoming the best version of yourself. <3

Be mindful and selective of who you trust. Don't take criticism from people who you wouldn't take advice from.

Your boundaries are non-negotiable. Boundaries are about how you respect yourself. If someone oversteps them, cut them off!

2023 is our year of self-growth, what better place to start than setting boundaries and learning to respect ourselves? Wishing everyone a successful and beautiful January!! <3

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩