savingfairies-blog - Tumblr blog

[savingfairies-blog]

those who leave us stay with us forever

[savingfairies-blog]

please don’t touch me i’m not a body you get to lifelessly keep don’t hold me like a lover when you don’t even see me as a friend you just keep on running me over and i’ve had enough of your cold white sheets please don’t buy me food i’ve had enough of your shit to eat so sick of being a disappointment don’t get off on me in your head as your highlight reel cause i’m real soon you’ll get another stop holding me like how you’d love her

[savingfairies-blog]

not a poem i wrote this cause its 1am and im bored

every day i set my alarm for 5:45am to allow myself a fake ‘lie in’ and then when it goes off i turn it off and go back to sleep and set another alarm which is usually 7. when i open my eyes its usually just before 7 and so i quickly turn the alarm off before it goes off, i don’t know why but the idea of an alarm going off after i have already woken up really bugs me and quite frankly i hate loud noises and abrupt deafening sounds, especially when i have just opened my damn eyes !!!? sometimes i think i must have died in a past life of being screamed at or another alternative life i would have probably drowned because the ocean scares the crap out of me but thats another story for another day. and so after i have switched the alarm off quickly before it goes off puts me in a bad mood all day, i usually, although i should take full advantage of waking up earlier, get back into bed and go back to sleep because after all i’ve still got time hunny. then i wake up to my mum or dad telling me to get up and asking why i haven’t moved yet and it’ll be like 7:30 and i’ll be like shit i have aprox 28 mins to get dressed to catch the bus at the bus stop 2 mins away for 8. so i dash out of bed like sonic the blue hedgehog and i sometimes think wow i’m way too hungry a gal gotta catch breakfast and make myself late which i’ll get into. so its usually two slices of lightly toasted bread with whatever chocolate coated cereal we got in with some water. i hate water, it tastes like weird, if you think water has no taste then i envy you cause i taste some weird taste every time i drink water from any tap, any bottle, any source. i take it upstairs and eat it on my bed cause it tastes better that way for some reason and it makes me feel more relaxed about being behind schedule. hate that word schedule like some people (like my dad) say shedule n i’m like wtf. shed? also an ugly arrangement of letters sorry schedule fans. and so i probably watch anderz which is a vlog channel on youtube by helen anderson and her life is a lot more interesting than mine so it spices things up a lil you know. and practically swallow my breakfast whole cause i’m in that much of a rush and then pick an outfit which takes me forever and turns out to look shit anyway lol kms and dash straight into the bathroom like sonic himself and go to the toilet for my routine wee and then wash my hands, brush my teeth, wet my face with warm water, put clearasil face wash on my face and then rinse it off with water again and then wash my hands again. because i have an addiction to washing my hands and i like to carry hand sanitiser with me wherever i go but its usually not enough because i like the feel of cold water splashing on my hands and hand sanitiser thats been sitting in the bottom of my above room temperature bag doesn’t quite compare. so then i put deodorant on and get all my fresh clothes on ya know the drill !!! and go sit on my phone again and continue to watch anderz vlogs and then see the time n think ooo i’m really living life on the edge here so i start to put makeup on my face and most of the time i don’t look at my face while putting it on because over the years i have grown accustomed to not liking my face at all for a various number of reasons and so i prefer to not look at it much ya no it really kills my vibe and i wanna feel like queen b not a rodent ok . i usually take a long time to get ready to then only look like a large poo emoji hahah !!! but then i chose my trainers that i’ve grown a little collection of and i set off for the bus feeling fine. after checking i have the correct £1.40 in my pocket so i don’t have to count it at the bus stop with a potential bus arriving or even worse, on the bus when i can feel peoples piercing eyes on me and i am terrible at counting money quickly sorry its not my fault you’re late for work deborah, i’m late myself and i can’t have the guilt of you too this gal already to emotionally unstable n i’m gunna collapse. i double check the change like seven times while i’m standing at the bus stop and keep a look out for the bus. one time i was at a bus stop (the other day actually) and because the bus stop is on a road just before a corner, you can never be sure when a bus is gunna come cause u can’t bloody see wtf who’s idea was this ?? and so whenever you hear a bus like engine roaring up, you gotta act fast. so i’m stood at the bus stop, a woman comes and stands behind me, cool i’m not alone whatever. a bus imitating noise comes along and i sure as hell move my ass fast from inside the shelter to outside of the hut where i get as close to the edge of the road to depart and climb on board of the bus. after aprox 3 seconds a truck flies past and i jump out of my knickers and back the hell up, i’m sure the woman thought i was straight up going to take my 19 years that morning, it didn’t happen. i feel a little silly, the bus comes, i’m running late like most days and by now i don’t even see the point in checking the time, i either make it or i don’t, looking makes it more real so i chose to do a timeless sprint from the bus station to the train station flying past everybody at, in my mind, 70mph. i feel like a bird flying through the air, by about 5 minutes into my power walk i feel like a penguin trying to fly and my shins start stabbing and feeling like they’re gunna snap off and because i’m in no form fit, i can’t breathe and this particularly day i was wearing heeled boots, bad move wtf you should have gone for one of my nice selection of trainers silly. i speed round a corner feeling good and like lightning and then my ankle swerves on an uneven pavement piece (wtf ?!!!) and i nearly fall on to a bunch of 16 year old middlesbrough college sport boys. its embarrassing but i’m already red from the flight. i run up the stairs going light headed and get on my train with 2 minutes to spare. i couldn’t breathe but it was brilliant, i did it. the train usually sets off like 5 mins later than 32 minutes past 8 as it should. i don’t mind much, in fact i couldn’t care less. i then proceed to pant and break into a mild sweat and because i’m an idiot, i never pack water and so i dehydrate but least i’m gunna make it to uni right? so i put my bag on the seat next to me and put my earphones in because i don’t have any friends as you will probably realise lol. i put a bit of kanye on or something like that, maybe london grammar if i’m feeling suicidal or feeling like i’m gunna die from a heart attack because of the exercise, i’d wanna go out to something nice like that ya know. train trugs along, thornaby, stockton, billingham, seaton carew and then hartlepool. it goes on further to better places like cool newcastle but stops there for me like most things in my life hehe !! so then i get off and power walk into the uni building with kanye or something blasting down my ear canals making me feel like a full blown g. i often forget my uni card so the g stops usually at the door where i stand pondering how the hell i’m gunna get in and if i’m ever gunna make it. usually someone comes and then they have a card and so its cool, i get up the stairs and go into the room where the magic happens lol jk. nothing happens here in the story for like ¾ hours cause i just sit by myself occasionally doing some work while taking breaks of staring into space because not many acknowledge me haha :) i then realise nothing will literally happen if i just leave, so then i go home again, sometimes after an hour lol i just hate it. i like the course, i love drawing even though i can’t really draw anything but apart from that i just wish the train would be completely late :) so i repeat the travelling process but in reverse and get home for like 2/3. i then go on the computer often playing sims and then get a shower and get my pyjamas on and get into bed. i don’t talk to anyone apart from my family all day every day :) my friends have dropped me which is ya know a bit disheartening but you can’t persuade someone to like you so i’ve just left them to it. i’m alone now and i’m depressed. my days are just slow but racing past and everything is going downhill by the second. 2016 was shit. hope 2017 isn’t or i dunno what i’m gunna do. i have my friend Shannon, she’s like my bestfriend but its a bit poo cause shes in uni so its hard to get to see her much but im going to manchester to see her for a weekend next week and we’re going to see jeremy kyle live so thats funny, i actually can’t wait. But the rest is drab and i hope for change and i hope i find some friends around here haha

[savingfairies-blog]

Do you not miss me Did i not make you laugh Did i not have anything Wasn't i anything I miss you all You made me laugh I said i'm sorry But its not enough You've made me feel like shit long enough And yeah ive done some bad stuff But so have you I have nobody in this life and i want to collapse Keep posting all your good life on social media I get it you dont want me in the picture Nobody does I'm over it Stop posting your shit Just shut up and let me sleep

[savingfairies-blog]

the rains coming down heavy and theres no place for a flood So you just flush the drowning girl away Half asleep yawning no attention You even laugh in her face All she wants is for you to let her sleep Let her sleep If you're going to push me half away Please push me away whole Let me sleep

[savingfairies-blog]

don’t tell me to go

you’re the only place i know

i want to stay

hold me

say you want that too

don’t make me leave

you’re the only one i wanna keep

[savingfairies-blog]

oh look its happening again like the pain inside my head oh why did you have to do this to me again you touch me and touch me and leave again why is this all i'll ever be the number in your phone to briefly see at night when you're feeling weak the big guy not so tough the fire in your head becomes alive for five minute intervals kiss me kiss me never leave me you're becoming what you always said was bad every day i have a dream that you're sitting on my bed and you stab me and i smile I feel i feel You're touching me And for once it feels as Bad as it is wake up 6am its the same maybe i'll be the knife inside my head

[savingfairies-blog]

today, i had to remind myself of of your name

because the hotel we stayed in, 

the first time you said you loved me,

burned to the ground 

like a simultaneous metaphor of every perfectly functioning bone broken

lecturing me that the vodka flowing in my veins 

was not enough to keep me steady

and today i tasted alcohol 

nothing out of the ordinary 

just the same as yesterday

and it reminded me of your lips

and touching your body

and the fact 

that past

present  

and cold future

you do not love me

[savingfairies-blog]

it’s not like i don’t want the sun right now

actually i love the sun almost as much as i love winter

in fact i need the sun right now

but i’ve been walking for miles and i’m not sure where i’m heading

i think i’m lost

it’s almost like the longer the walk, the further i get

and i’m awfully afraid

i can’t

and  never will

find

the sun

h.e.c.

[savingfairies-blog]

[savingfairies-blog]

you're my very beautiful friend and there will always be a place in my heart for you

[savingfairies-blog]

Dial

I’m dialling you

I’m not sure why

But I feel like crying

And I’m in denial and you feel it mutually

I ring you just to hear your soft words mumbling down my ear like snow falling on your face in the middle of June

The voicemail it is

Because we both know you won’t pick up

Not like when you picked me up in your big fancy car

And said stuff like

Let’s go afar

And maybe make cakes and all that other stuff that tastes so sweet in your mouth

Like your sweet words and your warm touch

Like that snow, that snow is coming back

Playing like that voicemail

Over and over

And it won’t ever stop

Because I won’t stop calling

And you still won’t pick up

And your car is not so fancy

When you so rarely drive it

And so it rarely gets a wash

And then your shower gets dusty

And my heart is kind of empty

And I’m waiting for your dial

Because my dial is kind of empty

And I’m still in denial that you don’t love me

When you said you did that one June

h.e.c.