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noone prepared me for how depressing aging is

I run a couple of after school clubs and I see these cute little 13 and 14 year olds with sh scars and it's fucking crushing. Like I know that was me when I was that age, but I look at them and they are really young, and I just want to protect them, but there's nothing I can do, and it makes me think about how I should have been protected when I was there age, and it just crushes me.

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my period had just started and I think that that's why I was so miserable/ have been binging

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not feeling slay

been not great lately, been binging and idk how to stop and I'm tired all the time.

Lil vent time, I have some really close friends and they are friends with someone that I'm not thaaatty close with, so basically all my besties met up without for a sleepover at this friend of a friend's house. I fully get why I wasn't invited, but it sucks a little for all my friends to meet up without me.

But I do have my drama girlies that I meet up with that my other friends aren't really friends with sooo.

Like I fully shouldn't be upset, but it has kinda upset me, like not everyone is in love with me? Like what???? /hj

But yeah I feel quite sad rn and I just wanted somewhere to vent. If any of my URLs find this I'm dead hehe

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Oopsy

Been binging the last couple days cause Im quirky like that, Im exhausted by life, so Im basically just trying to stay alive rn lmao

Guess who has another essay to do!

Not me

Cause I have two essays to do :,)

Techniqually 3, but thats course work and due in in like 4 weeks, so Im just not gonna deal with that hehehe

Im trying to brush my teeth more often and walk more tho, Im gonna have such sparkly teeth. tbf tho I had braces for 2 years, so I need to make my teeth look nice after all that effort

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my ex bf has a girlfriend now

I feel so fucking shit about myself. When we dated he didn't want anyone to know we were together, but he's told everyone that he's dating this new girl, and it makes me think, why didn't he want people to know that we dated, was he ashamed of dating me???

It's making me feel very suicidal, but I won't cause I've got to be hot first lmao

I'm so fucking sad right now. I feel like an unlovable piece of shit

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I know I only have like 3 people following me, but I have a question!

I dont eat then I feel reallyyy hungry and then I eat, and the second I eat enough to not be hungry, it makes me feel really sick and ill I never feel full/satisfied, Im either hungry or feel sick

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Tumblr won't let me post the vid here for some reason so I'll just put the link >:)

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Little update xx

Havent made one of these in a while, but I got soooo much of my history course work done!!!! I havent been particularly couting cals, but Ive spent the last 3 days on my feet (at work or with friends) and have eaten less then 2 meals both days, so I think Im bellow maintenance, Im just so exhausted rn lmaooo

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I hope this works <3

Im going to try and eat as humanly close to 1261 cals a day as possible Otherwise Im gonna end up starving and binging

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Im quite hungry, but the thought of eating anything is making me feel very sick. My fingers feel very long and thin, and I always get like this when I dont eat, I feel like all my extremities are weirdly shaped

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Not hungry, Im kinda suspicious

Weighed myself and I was like 100gs less then I was 2 days ago lmaoooooo, thats almost definetly the difference of drinking a little less water so far today, then I did 2 days ago, but still Im not really Hungry rn and all Ive had so far is a cherry coke, kinda gross, but we slay.

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Im not going to kill myself and Im embarrassed its taken me this long to realise

Im not going to even think about killing myself until Ive tried being hot as fuck. Im really not doing well mentally, I need help, or I could just be hot lmao I dont like hot cross buns and I dont get the hype

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Thoughts I guess

I have so many things I would have killed for as a kid, smartphone, money, being able to make my own food, and some small level of autonomy, not having to do physics anymore/lh. But Im less happy then Ive ever been. I wanna be on antidepressants or some shit, cause therapy isnt working, it just makes me feel worse, and I freaking hate my therapist, shes kinda a bitch

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Oops

I got drunk, lost count of cals, didnt purge, so that means that I consummed more cals, but Im kinda proud of myself that I didnt purge, like its fun, but it has its consequences (sore throat mainly lmao). Not gonna count cals for today cause I have no clue

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Ive ended up rambling lmaoo

Its so hard being friends with guys as a teenager, cause they are all so fucking skinny, just cause thats how they work I guess. And some of them are nearly a foot taller then me and weigh less then me, like girlie how?? I know they dont stay like that forever (well some do but not most) but its just weird I guess. Also doesnt help with the gender dysphoria, but still lmao

Also unrelated but they girl who bullied me so bad for being fat and short in primary school (I wasnt even fat, I was just a normal kid lmao). Shes actually kinda clapped. Like shes stylish, but shes pretty ugly. I dont like calling people ugly, cause I dont think its like a real thing I guess? but when you have an ugly personality and arent actively pretty really isnt great. Like when someones a bitch, but they are really hot, they can kind of get away with it, but shes less pretty than like 20% of people, and she isnt kind enough for it to make her pretty.

I know Im making sense lmao, but some people if you took a photo of them arent very pretty, but when your around them they are so fucking pretty omfg. But she isnt photo pretty of irl pretty, she just hangs out with popular people and can afford nice clothes.

She also caused me to start purging when I was 8, so honestly fuck her.

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8/4/23

I have now had the smoothie and fake poptarts

Pop Tart- 278 Smoothie- 128 Total for Lunch 406 Total for Today (so far) 486 Honestly not that bad