shitty-horoscopes

[shitty-horoscopes]

Normal Horoscope:

Aries: How real does a dream have to feel before you have second thoughts about waking up?

Taurus: Strong connections can be formed without warning. That stranger could turn out to be your spouse, or even better, your arch-enemy.

Gemini: Your heart has gained a mind of its own and intends to overthrow you.

Cancer: Failure is necessary for growth, learn to enjoy it. Sexualize it if you have to.

Leo: You know how when an old phone is working really hard and it gets all hot and drains the battery a bunch? Anxiety does that for your brain.

Virgo: Your easygoing vibes and go-with-the-flow attitude will serve you well when you are carried off by a large gust of wind.

Libra: Try to relax when you are struck with a powerful and inexplicable desire to participate in a diving competition. It will pass probably.

Scorpio: Nothing improves a scheme like bringing a friend.

Ophiuchus: If you’re going to explore the inner recesses of your mind, bring a torch, its dark as shit in there.

Sagittarius: The stars say they are critical of your choices but supportive of your desire to experiment. They wouldn’t tell me what they’re talking about.

Capricorn: Your interpretation of a “Can Do” attitude is markedly more horny than most peoples.

Aquarius: Easy does not mean unimportant and difficult does not mean valuable. Slow down there Sisyphus.

Pisces: The time has come to invent a new shape. The world is cheering you on, this is your moment.

[shitty-horoscopes]

The Signs and Boundaries

Aries typically doesn’t have issues with people breaking their boundaries, but if they do, one tip to rebuild those fences is by protecting the self through privacy, be more mindful of who you tell secrets to or share your intentions with. Aries don’t have a problem saying no but through their openness and trusting nature can their boundaries be unhealthily crossed. Growing a skeptical and realistic side may be beneficial next time they jump to help someone or have the desire to please another without considering their needs.

Taurus can easily be pressured into pleasing others or keeping the peace. They are a sign that highly desires stability and contentment. But they need to remember to use that stubborn side to say no more often, to stay on the path of what makes them happy. Overcoming fear of instability or losing someone is important for a Taurus building up boundaries. Accepting change is the constant can be helpful, letting go of control or expectations in relationships is empowering.

Gemini’s talent for talking their way out of trouble can actually be a good defense for those trying to break through their boundaries. Their natural desire for space and independence can also help with those trying to control them, guilt trip them, take advantage, or impose. But Gemini is a social, forgiving, supportive, and flexible sign that can have a huge desire to befriend others, gather information, learn, and fit in. A tip for healthier boundaries is a practice in assertion and giving solid stances. Of course a Gemini’s opinions may change, they can be change and duality itself, but it is about being firm in what they are saying and feeling in the moment.

You would think Cancer’s guarded nature would help them build strong and healthy boundaries, but this sign is giving and sacrificing, having a desire to take care of others. Discernment is needed when dealing with those who would take advantage. But there is a line Cancer must learn to balance between protecting their own heart and becoming closed off due to fear or bias. A Cancer must be careful of not becoming all or nothing when it comes to building up boundaries, are those healthy boundaries or stone cold walls?

Leo does have a huge desire to entertain and please! Their generous and trusting side could get used and abused. You’ll hear a lot of themes about self-empowerment via confidence and self-expression with a Leo, and these themes can help with setting boundaries. For Leo there is an importance in possible detachment from expectations, admiration, and possibly ego. They may seek “applause” either tangibly or metaphorically and there’s protection in valuing what is authentic and intimate by separating public vs. private, want vs. need.

Virgo despite any hard or overly practical reputation can certainly struggle with keeping healthy boundaries. With a desire to serve and care combined with a flexible, humble, and appreciative personality you can imagine how easily they feel imposed upon or used. Sometimes a Virgo needs to learn how to say no or to refuse to get involved - especially when no one asks them to. Other times Virgo must not rationalize their way out of a situation because despite the logical impulse to do so, it could generate guilt in the future, maybe instead value protecting one’s self, value not getting burnt out or drained, approach a situation mentally in this way instead of giving a purely logical reason not to help someone or be used by someone. 

Libra - the famous people pleaser. For Libra the goal is to say “no” and overcome fear of conflict, but the work up to that takes inner honesty, understanding what they want, and to be real - practice. Practice makes perfect and Libra is a sign that could use some practice in asserting themselves and setting stronger boundaries. Libra’s relationship with independence and dependence can be a topic to discuss when it comes to boundaries. Is there a fear of being alone or just a desire to partner with another? Is it about status, competition, or companionship? There are no wrong answers, just self-reflection and honesty for Libra. Taking care of the self, learning to love being alone with the self is important, fostering independence can be so empowering when it comes to building stronger boundaries for Libra, after all being an air sign - independence and space may be something they fall in love with.

Scorpio’s boundaries can easily be crossed, and they may cross other’s boundaries frequently too. Their desire for rawness and intimacy + water’s compassion, reception, sacrificing nature, and caring makes them susceptible to burn out, over extending, being used or abused due to unhealthy or non-existing boundaries. For Scorpio accepting that they cannot control people is helpful along with understanding you may get hurt but that is the nature of love and trust. Objectivity or being able to put themselves into other people’s shoes can be helpful. Scorpio’s black and white take on the world can cause misunderstandings and disappointment. Sometimes it just takes a lesson learned via experience that not everyone has good intentions for better boundaries, but they need to be careful of being paranoid or distrustful to the extreme. 

Sagittarius ain’t one to let you hold them back, most burn out is due to themselves and they are self-focused, they won’t get caught up on other’s guilt trips or manipulation BUT they can be overly open, naïve, and have high hopes which shows where their boundaries can be broken. Coming down to earth with skepticism or realism and understanding not everyone is as honest or good-natured as Sagittarius is one step towards better boundaries. It is Sagittarius’s  high expectations that is the hardest to overcome. This is the sign of hope, belief, and optimism, and I don’t think it is right or fair to say they have to curb this completely but learning when to let go of an impression or belief of something/someone is important. 

Capricorn is usually a sign that does not struggle with loose boundaries, but a desire to conform, provide, protect, be part of/give back to society, or to prove something may give a window of opportunity for boundaries being crossed and them feeling used, underappreciated, or burned out. It is Capricorn’s own guilt, self-criticism, and pressure they must be careful of. You bet there are people out there who will take advantage of how a Capricorn beats themselves up. Capricorn must know their worth, rely on their stability, and accept love or help from others when it is offered. 

Despite Aquarius’s detachment and aloofness they can be a sucker sometimes for peer pressure and at times their humanitarian trait can be taken advantage of. Aquarius is independent, is the rebel, but their desire to belong to a group, to fight for a cause, to connect socially, to connect mentally can all lead to being easily influenced by a group of people, by trends, by the collective. Aquarius’s  celebration of individually and separation is one way to help overcome this, another is through intimacy with another. One super supportive friend or adoring lover could give them better insight into why the “few” can be more powerful at times than “the many”. Living by the code, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” may be something an Aquarius who struggles with boundaries may want to pick up. Learning to help those who want to help themselves.

Pisces, the queen/king of dissolved boundaries. First there is an upside to crossing boundaries but that is for a whole different convo, in this piece we are talking about unhealthy lack of boundaries. Pisces desire to merge, help, care, and sacrifice creates this atmosphere. Before Pisces can say no and concentrate on protecting the self they need to recognize the downside of crossed boundaries. It comes so naturally, even recognizing a lack of boundaries can be a challenge. There must be awareness about how nonexistent or thin boundaries can cause Pisces to be used or abused OR can even cause them to drain another or a relationship. It isn’t always about asking what they want or need but protecting those things and going after those things.  For Pisces it’s about not fearing being alone or being separate. It can be about fostering their individuality or general confidence. The merging of souls, feelings, individuality can be a beautiful thing, but so can being your own person.

[shitty-horoscopes]

signs as greek goddesses

Aries Nike, Goddess of Victory- known to enthusiastically encourage their loved ones, takes pride in everything that they do, tenacious as hell, can sometimes be overly competitive, makes the people around them strive to be stronger versions of themselves

Taurus Hera, Goddess of Marriage and Birth- very protective of those who remind them of themselves, has a hard time playing nice when they don’t like someone, strongly values loyalty in both romantic and platonic relationships, the mom friend, can easily become resentful

Gemini Tyche, Goddess of Chance- picks favorites, is either the absolute best or absolute worst person depending on who you ask, can expertly control social situations, resting bitch face often mistaken for a bad attitude

Cancer Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth- forgiving but will still remember all your wrongdoings, family and home-oriented, extremely persistent even when those around them have given up, non-confrontational, values kindness over everything else

Leo Aphrodite, Goddess of Love and Beauty- works hard to make sure everyone around them is happy, loves to be the center of attention, can sometimes be too obsessive over their appearance, always knows how to lighten the mood

Virgo Athena, Goddess of Wisdom- has favorite-child energy, usually keeps a level head even when under a lot of stress, rarely shows anger openly, acts as a great listener for loved ones, if they don’t excel in academics then they excel elsewhere

Libra Harmonia, Goddess of Harmony- people often confide in them, has a big heart, can sometimes come off as being fake, doesn’t like participating in drama, likes everything they associate themselves with to be aesthetically pleasing

Scorpio Nyx, Goddess of the Night- good at blending in with the crowd and standing out when they please, the quiet type, often more pessimistic than optimistic, often associated with darkness and mystery just because they like to keep to themselves

Sagittarius Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt- will absolutely let their enemies know they don’t like them, often acts on impulse, will go out of their way to help those in need, fierceness is often admired by others, always has to be doing something

Capricorn Demeter, Goddess of Harvest- emotionally strong, can be overprotective of their loved ones, very easily annoyed when others aren’t being considerate, will do nearly anything to achieve their goals, takes on a lot of responsibility

Aquarius Hecate, Goddess of Witchcraft- known to keep to themselves, always questioning everything, may not mix very well with others, very accepting of outcast types, words often come out harsher than intended, tries to fight for the little guy

Pisces Mnemosyne, Goddess of Memory- constantly looking for artistic inspiration, aren’t afraid to make bold aesthetic choices, simultaneously has a superiority and inferiority complex, often serves as an influence for others, youngest-sibling energy

[shitty-horoscopes]

[shitty-horoscopes]

The Signs as essential oils

Aries: Cedar

Taurus: Anise

Gemini: Lavender

Cancer: Grapefruit

Leo: Sweet Orange

Virgo: Lime

Libra: Spearmint

Scorpio: Bergamot

Sagittarius: Lemon

Capricorn: Cinnamon 

Aquarius: Ylang Ylang

Pisces: Patchouli

[shitty-horoscopes]

[shitty-horoscopes]

ok here are some fire sign hot takes:

- leo: thinks they're crazy

- sagittarius: fun crazy

- aries: actually crazy

[shitty-horoscopes]

The Signs as Peanuts characters

Aries: Woodstock

Taurus: Marcie

Gemini: Franklin

Cancer: Sally

Leo: Frieda

Virgo: Lucy

Libra: Snoopy

Scorpio: Pig-Pen

Sagittarius: Peppermint Patty

Capricorn: Charlie Brown

Aquarius: Schroeder 

Pisces: Linus

[shitty-horoscopes]

scorpio season is just: *feel horny* *feels destructive* *listens to nobody by mitski* *feels tender* *feels horny* *feels that weird horny/tender feeling that lasts for days* *cries to hozier* *obsessively journals* *wants to be unknowable* *desperately wants to feel connected to something* *listens to melodrama by lorde* *feels horny* *drinks coffee*

[shitty-horoscopes]

Is your sign a toughie or a softie?

Acts like a toughie, is a toughie: Aries, Sagittarius, Capricorn

Acts like a toughie, is a softie: Leo, Gemini, Scorpio

Acts like a softie, is a toughie: Virgo, Aquarius, Libra

Acts like a softie, is a softie: Taurus, Pisces, Cancer

[shitty-horoscopes]

Reblog if u claim it🔮✨

[shitty-horoscopes]

The signs as brooklyn 99 characters

aries: adrian pimento 

taurus: teddy wells

gemini: jake peralta

cancer: charles boyle 

leo: gina linetti

virgo: amy santiago 

libra: terry jeffords

scorpio: rosa diaz

sagittarius: doug judy

capricorn: captain holt

aquarius: hitchcock & scully 

pisces: lynn boyle 

[shitty-horoscopes]

[shitty-horoscopes]

What pains you the most

Aries in the 8th : rejection of your sex/body🤤

Taurus in the 8th: rejection of your hospitality & money🏠💶

Gemini in the 8th: rejection of the things you deserve👩🏾‍⚖️

Cancer in the 8th: your overwhelming emotions🌊

Leo in the 8th: comparisons 🙅🏾‍♂️

Virgo in the 8th: rejection of your intellect 👩🏿‍🎓

Libra in the 8th: Loooooovveeee (breakups; whether romantic or platonic)🥀

Scorpio in the 8th: your temper🔥

Sagittarius in the 8th: Being stuck in a loop of limits🚦

Capricorn in the 8th: rejection of your efforts when bending over backwards🏃🏻‍♀️

Aquarius in the 8th: rejection of your fun side👩🏼‍🎤

Pisces in the 8th: half truths 🕧

[shitty-horoscopes]

the signs as philosophical movements

Aries: Machiaviellanism - the denial of the relevance of morality, holding the view that any means can be used if it is necessary to maintain power. Taurus: Epicureanism - the pursuit of pleasure, above all.  Gemini: Existentialism - the belief that there is no universal “meaning of life”, the individual is free to create his own meaning and build his character from his actions.  Cancer: Idealism  - the idea that the material world and reality merely is a product of consciousness, sensation, imagination and perception. Leo: Solipsism - the belief that the self is all there is, that everything else just is a product of their perception. Virgo: Skepticism -  a way of life devoted to inquiry, investigation and doubt: always questioning the certainity of things. Libra: Dualism - the belief that everything is made up of polarity and can be sorted into two categories (such as body and mind, good and evil) which cannot exist without one another. Scorpio: Nihilism - denial of the existence of any “truths”, holding the belief that life is ultimately meaningless. Sagittarius: Empiricism - the belief that true wisdom comes from experience. Capricorn: Stoicism -  emphasizes the discipline and mastery of the emotions in order to reach a wiser, rational, and peaceful mindset. Aquarius: Surrealism - the rejection of the rational, the negation of the normal; celebrating contradiction, the imagination and the bizzare. Pisces: Romanticism - emphasis on strong emotion and receptiveness, celebrating the imagination, the transcendental and the supreme value of art.

[shitty-horoscopes]

Mars thru the signs 🔥

Aries: driven towards everything daring, exiting and adventurous, extremely passionate about pursuit of conquest towards goal, possibly quick tempered, strong fire energy that must be channeled into physical challenge or passionate go-getting, can't sit still, needs new new new energy in their directed energy!

Taurus: slow and steady wins the race, may take a LONG ass time to get to where they want to go.. Putting in all of the hard work and gluing the puzzle pieces together so when they actually get there they have strong stability and comfort in their foundation, very sensual physical energy, can be funneled into extremely hard work or extreme laziness, two sides of the coin with Taurus Mars..

Gemini: verbal takedown, a ninja of words, goes towards goals and desires on a intellectual level, takes in all energies surrounding and from there strategically goes forth, likely to talk talk talk about the directed energy they have, talking about it helps them create what it is they are going for..

Cancer: oh sweet cancer... Above all else needs emotional comfort in putting Mars energy forward, very passive and wishy washy, has trouble putting their foot DOWN on something, very very fiercely passionate about the ones they hold close, would do anything for their friends, puts a lot of directed Mars energy towards nurturing others.. So much so that it can put a halt to self-advocacy.. Very sweet and emotional in the bedroom..

Leo: creative in any and all ways, incessant need to share themselves and their identity in how they approach the world, strong on self-advocacy "this is what I want to do and I will do it!" Thinks much of self in the context of pursuit, dramatic physical energy, a need to be the BEST, loves to perform and be center stage within their life, strong connection between having energy to be physical and sunlight, the sun shines through Mars in this placement. Mars loves to be in Leo and many of these people feel Leo very strongly in their life even if it's their only placement in Leo. (My placement hehe)

Virgo: extremely analytical in approach to directing energy, will look at all of the finer details and facts, add it- weigh it- equate it all up into a final consensus on what the perfect course of action is, perfection and correct execution is very important to Mars Virgo, needs to do it RIGHT, 100% kinky as fuck in bed oh lord.. Wants to serve and be served if you catch my drift..

Libra: emphasis on keeping everything in balance when pursuing something, with that comes a tendency for indecision on which way they want to direct their energy, beautifully creative in their stance (many musicians I know have this placement)Mars Libras physical directed energy is fine tuned to the harmonic melody of Venus, passionate and rhythmic with their directed energy, will come at you with a balanced kind creative energy..

Scorpio: the psychic touch! Their physical energy swims in the waters of Scorpio, their touch is metaphysical. Mars loves to be in Scorpio.. These people see something they want, take it inside to the deepest caves of their inner world and they go AT IT with no intention of loosing, they are formidable opponents in battle, a hearth of energy being cultivated and honed in behind the scenes, powerful directed energy that needs to be channeled into something productive, high emphasis on sexuality, passion to conquer and master in themselves what it is they are trying to attain, this energy can be totally transcendent or viciously deceitful..

Saggitarius: what is life if we're not havin some fun?! Expansive in the way they approach physical reality, Mars in Sag is the one to overdo it at the party because they are the one having the most fun! Boisterous and bubbling with energy..Will put physical directed energy towards saggitarian pursuits of higher learning, foreign travel, deep encounters, and having fun! Their physical energy is robust.. Likely to be interested in sports or organized energy exchange, feels a deeper purpose and intention when going towards goals, philosophical sentiment is held in their powerful fire approach to life.

Capricorn: tempered, controlled, powerful directed energy funneled into goal oriented mindset, a desire to achieve success and competence through directed energy implemented orderly and efficiently, like Virgo they have a desire to do things right but it comes from more of a place needing to feel competent in themselves rather than anylictal need for perfection in life, Mars in Capricorn has the capacity to create great lengths of achievement within their directed energy..

Aquarius: these people seek to get their way in the exact way that they would like to do it because in their idealistic mind their way of directing energy is the BEST way, therefore listening and taking others authority or advice comes as a challenge, they seem to challenge status quo in what they are pursuing, Mars in Aquarius will get there the most unconventional and well thought out route ..

Pisces: day dreaming their reality to life, they direct their energy through where their intuition guides them, they hold an extremely mystical Neptune energy in the pursuit of life, the way Mars operates in this person will be very ethereal and spiritual, whether they channel that energy into becoming a drug addict, body builder, writer, traveler.. They are going out doing what they are doing for no other reason than the trance state they are in put them there.. You ask Mars in cap "why are you standing here as a successful body builder" "Im here because I was scrawny and thin and wanted to have achievement in my body, I worked hard and now I'm built! check out my new business of fitness DVDs!" Now.. You ask a Pisces Mars the same question and you'd get "I'm here because it feels right to be here, this is my art and this is my life"

[shitty-horoscopes]

The Signs again and again and again and again and again

Aries: Down by the lake you could have sworn you saw a toad wearing a tiny suit of armor. The pain in your neck starts to throb again. The world feels heavy. You must sleep.

Taurus: You tried to put on clothing today and nearly collapsed from the impossible weight. The world at full tilt, lop-sided. You must sleep.

Gemini: You stopped feeling the cold hours and hours ago. You’ve never seen snow that color before. You smell her perfume. You smell what you would have had for breakfast that day. You must sleep.

Cancer: Is it too early in the morning or too late in the night? You cant tell anymore. The world is so mercifully quiet at this hour. You avoid the streetlamps and roads. You must sleep.

Leo: The stairs have all been nailed over with ramps. There are locks on the doors but no handles. A tiny third floor. A place like the leftovers of small shops pretending to be one place. You must sleep.

Virgo: The sea stretches on for miles. The trees here have grown like upturned umbrellas, bowing to the wind. Souls caught in the branches. You must sleep.

Libra: The comforting sensation of fingers in you hair. Fighting against morning grogginess to take the medicine. You must sleep.

Scorpio: At this point you could draw a map of the highways from memory. Part of you thinks that maybe you thought up the maps first, and that someone has just been laying down the pavement. You must sleep.

Ophiuchus: The world ran out of VRAM today and had to start recycling old assets. People you met in the past but just aged up. You must sleep.

Sagittarius: You always felt that the angels tasted better roasted. You must sleep.

Capricorn: You hold a glittering crown on a small pillow. You have no idea how you got here. The chorus of horns blares. You must sleep.

Aquarius: You can already feel your skin turning to salt. Your moments are slowing but you still have time. You still have time. You must sleep.

Pisces: You are the last one still awake. What are you still doing up? This late at night, with only one pair of eyes. You might see something you weren’t supposed to.