shyames

[shyames]

'Impossible' by Sarah Lotz

If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

[shyames]

You're right, I may be crazy...

For a time, I think sometime during my bachelor studies, I would start my day from this song. Especially the words 'I was only having fun, wasn't hurting anyone'. It's a bit vague now, but I recall clashing with my dad a lot, later on, when I extended my masters for a year to stay and work longer with the student council. I always thought he, as a teacher, would understand me more, but not this time.

Thankfully, for a few years I was already independent - studying and working so, you know, all you can do is talk, dad. My family did find it strange that I wanted to stay, but I had my other, chosen family there. My group of friends that I stay in touch even now. We even lived (almost all of us) on the same floor in the dormitory for a time. Our 2nd home <3

It's the first group that did not forsake me with my phases of going quiet and delayed responding. It's there I found a person I could admit I had panic attacks after lockdown, when meeting many people at once again.

So I might have been crazy for staying longer (and dealing with extreme toxicity at the university) but loved it, and love my 2nd family to this day. Like with family - you may not talk every day, but when you meet up, it just feels right.

[shyames]

This hits so close - I'm a chronic people pleaser. Can't define when it started, but since high school I've always been trying to appease everyone so much. The road to undo all that is bumpy, for sure, but very much rewarding, when finally it feels like I'm myself, for myself, just how I want it. Not how anyone else wants me to be.

🫶🏻 keep doing it anyways 👑

[shyames]

The world doesn't stay still - neither do we

To say I watched "Scandal" would be an understatement of the century. I devoured that show. I was starting my day with it, watching it for breakfast. Not only that, but I was continuing after work, having to remind myself to go to sleep. And whenever this tune would come up, I knew things will happen between the main two love birds of the show. Now, whenever it pops on my playlist, I have to stop. I need a pause.

It's weird, I know. But it makes me feel a lot of different things - from anxiety about, well, everything, through longing for my mom or my friends, to overwhelming love and calmness.

I think it's so complicated because I came to associate it with how complicated the relationships were on this show. (And if you watched the show, well, it was all a mess, am I right?) But isn't that what life is? Yes, it was on a different scale as it was about the White House and politics, but don't we all fall for the wrong people and the wrong time of our lives? Okay, maybe not fall in love, but who didn't have a crush that went wrong or was it impossible to realise because it was a wrong timing?

People get married, then find their "true love" so they divorce (or not), people around them get involved, life becomes a bigger mess than it should be. What I draw from both the show and how this music makes me feel is that we all meet new people through our lives. Different people make us feel different things. And as we grow, we stop feeling the things we once felt. Or two people grow in a way that makes them revisit their previous relationship, which now has a chance to work.

The world doesn't stay still - neither do we, as people. Everything is moving, so it's a matter of deciding if we want to move at the same pace or on our own terms. And feel the things we feel, and things we need to feel. So, if I need to cry while this music is playing, because today it feels like sacrifices made for love (tomorrow it may well be about a happy ending, who knows), then I will cry. And you can to.

[shyames]

The Phantom never goes away

I loved 'The Phantom of the Opera' as a teenager. When the film would be on TV, I remember talking with my dad about who should be Christine's choice in the end. I think around that time he stopped treating me the same as my brothers. I did say she should've chosen Eric (the Phantom) but without asking 'why', I was dismissed with 'that's because you're a girl'. And I loved music, playing piano and all - I think music was also mentioned, but not sure.

Now? I am well aware now that Eric was not the right choice (although, let's be honest, the 2nd guy wasn't either - part of my soul will always feel for Eric). And that's the part of my soul that LOVES the sequel (well, not the whole thing equally, but you get it).

'Love never dies' has the weirdest plot. But to be honest - not that unbelievable if it comes to Raoul's addiction, etc. French nobles always disappoint.

But this one song is the ultimate love song from this story. Like I said, 'The Phantom…' is great, I know the musical by heart. For my small, deep part of my soul, the one that thinks even the worst people deserve something nice in their life (because their issues usually start from the lack of thereof) this is it.

Eric waits for Christine and looks for her everywhere he looks, although he knows they can never be together, for a variety of reasons, but also - because he is presumed dead. The only thing he wants and needs is to hear her sing again. It's all messed up - the ultimate codependency and all the wrong feelings between those two.

There is something, though, in the way Ben Lewis sings his soul out and says all that there is in the world, all those feelings and 'without you, what are they for'. He does proceed to unleash the most fan fiction worthy scheme ever to get her there and mess up again. But that's a spoiler alert. ;)

[shyames]

I think at this point, the only time I eat the "traditional breakfast" food is when I visit my parents. Or I don't have the energy for anything else other than cereal. Any other day - leftovers, my delicious pasta leftovers ♡

No one wants to admit this but you don’t actually have to eat eggs and dairy for breakfast. Farmers just did that because they’d milk the cows and collect eggs in the morning. You can literally make a sandwich or a bowl of pasta or really anything you want for breakfast. There isn’t some medical reason you have to eat cereal and milk or fried eggs in the morning—our idea of “breakfast food” is an entirely artificial construct. Do what makes you happy.

[shyames]

We see what we want to see

Who doesn't love Céline? I don't trust you if you say you don't. Because let's face it - you do!

With this one, it's a lot of mixed feelings for me. Firstly, can't believe this came out when I was 2 years old. How is this even possible?

I remember listening to this album on a cassette tape (yes, there was this thing before CDs) that I stole from my mom. My brother hated me, because we were sharing a room and I started my phase of going to sleep while listening to music. And, of course, for the most time it was Céline. Unfortunately, I listened to the tape too much, and it wore down with time. But by then the technological advances caught up with my dad, and we were up to speed with the world to download the songs from the Internet.

As a teen, did I truly understand the song? No. I didn't even understand English that well back then. But sometimes I don't think I understand it even now. It's a powerful song that initially caught my heart with the piano - let's face it, the piano here is marvellous - and then Céline's voice. And as I grew older, of course all your teenage relationships are the greatest love of all and call for the cries to this amazing ballad.

Fast-forward a few years and here come my 20s with my "delulu" brain. Of course, I can relate to some parts more than others, but also can see some of my favourite books, movies and TV shows mirrored in both the music and the words. Plus wine - a glass of wine with this song? Oh boy, good thing I live alone.

The most important though are the quotes I take with me everywhere now, they are always somewhere back in my head:

"we see what we want to see" - it's true on so many levels, throughout all our lives, not only in regard to love but any emotion we have, any action we take

"We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me now" - and we do, don't we? When I think about my high school years, I don't remain in touch with anyone because I was hurt, and I'm sure others felt hurt by some of my actions. But when I reminisce about the good times, recalling stories from my teenage years, am I still mad, do I remember what was the reason for the animosity? Not really, not always. They became part of who I am now, part of how I got here.

"I finished crying in the instant that you left, and I can't remember where or when or how, and I banished every memory you and I had ever made" - and I did, I cried when hurt, but eventually got up and moved forwards. Sometimes it took longer, sometimes it took just a moment. Do I remember each and every situation I resented, each and every time I was left out, a relationship ended, and I was alone again? No. I know the feelings, I learned something each time (maybe not at that second, but you know, it takes a while to admit your own mistakes). But when truly hurt by someone else at some point you have to forget, or it will haunt you the rest of your life. I'm still learning to do so but getting there.

So is Céline the queen? Yes, of course she is. Is this only about love? NO. It's all about life but most importantly, as with each and every song or music piece - it's about what you need at the moment. Listening closely and taking the sounds in.

[shyames]

What if we could really fly?

'Sit down, kids, the scary but funny story will now start'. I think that's how you summarize John Williams' genius here. Because it is, at times, a scary but also a funny story. I love the movie 'Hook' since I was a kid - my mom loves it, so we watched it every time it popped on TV. She always cries through half of it. (I don't blame her, though, it's a beautiful story.)

But for me, the music goes beyond the story. It really feels like it could be a prologue to one's life story. It's only 1 and a half minute long but goes from mystery, through a happy adventure, some scary notes, just to resolve at happiness again. I love the full album, but this one gives you this one, so much needed boost of magic.

This is how life should feel - like a joyous adventure, one that you want to embark on every day, even when the prospect of taking another step into the unknown scares you. It is definitely one of my go-to for when I'm scared of change. Because, what if we could really just fly through it? Wouldn't it be just perfect?

[shyames]

And how they go with the "just don't buy coffee at starbucks and you'll be fine" all the time. 🙈

Sometimes listening to rich people talk I’m not even mad I just feel like I’m listening to a conversation from another planet

[shyames]

My personal millennial heaven

I would definitely call this one my personal millenial heaven. Things that first come to mind?

Challenging the loner

Feels like first clubbing nights as a teenager

Cheeky and smooth to approach someone

Nostalgia all over the place

But also pressure to find love

I can loop this one forever and not notice how the time flies at all. It does appear very simple, and it can be perceived as such, but the more I listen, the more I shift from joy and nostalgia to longing for love, the ideal romantic kind. And all of it while the millennial friendly remix is running through my headphones (all right, all right - I know I'm right on the verge of millennial/gen Z, but come on, it's gold). I could easily see my teenage self, the one that was never popular or well-liked by boys, jamming to this one in high school while on the walk through the nearby park (something I've done a lot those days).

Does it mean I don't miss those days? No, of course I sometimes to. Things were simpler. Of course, from a high schooler perspective, some problems are the biggest you will ever have. But I still miss it - a child doesn't have to worry about bills, roof over your head, what the future holds. The longest I was looking into the future was, like, a month, not years. Also, it helped that during the week I was living in a dormitory, coming back home only on weekends. The pressure of the oldest daughter definitely lessened, and I think this was my breaking free point. As my mom was back from working abroad, it got easier at home, and it wasn't all on me anymore. Though I stayed hyper-independent to this day, this freedom was something I knew I deserved.

See? Somehow a simple remix, song about wanting love prompts you to think about other aspects of life. Music is wonderful, and it can enormously help when trying to work out your own messy and complicated feelings. I encourage everyone to try it, with any random song. You will be surprised how great it feels.

[shyames]

anyway jeff bezos could eradicate homelessness. he could literally give each homeless person 100k and it would only take less than .5% of his entire wealth. what the actual god giving fuck

[shyames]

I definitely talk too much

What comes to your mind when you think teenage pop? Would it be this song? A lot of sugar in this one, isn't there? My mind just screams all at once:

Actually, I didn't listen to this one until my university years. I guess, the lack of Internet or cable as a kid explains a lot (shout out to all 90s kids in Easter Europe). Nevertheless, it's an absolute banger and I don't think there is another song to explain how one feels when you start fancying someone. Comparison to a sugar rush is genius, because at some point in life we all experienced one, right?

For me, this song represents all the times I was swept off my feet, but at the end it didn't go my way. Do I still love the song? Yes. Not losing hope that it will come true in the future. It can get me in the mood swing though - from happy, when I hear it, to crying right after the fifth replay because it's not the time for me yet.

The one bit I feel myself in is definitely this line: 'I get weak and talk too much'. I think it's always been my curse, kind of? Usually, I would be very cautious when meeting new people, but if I do fancy someone, I can go overboard and, to mask my nervousness and anxiety, overshare a lot. I will feel it in my mind that it's too much, but it's hard to stop yourself once you started. So I will definitely talk too much and then leave the room to feel the shame. Classic.

BUT - again, this song is genius! And the harmonies - my ears are blessed each and every time. Many people will just say it's stupid teenage pop, but really give it a go - the voices of all members compliment each other, they work well with the music line and make it a perfect blend.

[shyames]

There’s certain benign activities that you should do even if someone is judging you because the sort of person who would judge you for doing that isn’t a person worth listening to.

Worried about wearing that pikachu shirt when you usually don’t wear t-shirts? Do it. The sort of person who would judge you for wearing a pikachu shirt isn’t worth your time.

Worried someone will judge you for eating in public? What sort of idiot cares about another person eating a salad at the park? Just do it.

Worried you’re not dressed well enough for this mall? It’s a mall. If someone judged you for showing up in basketball shorts they have too much time on their hands.

[shyames]

There is beauty in sadness

As you will find out sooner or later, when I listen to music it's either the full album track by track, as intended, one of my playlists on shuffle or (definitely not the healthy part) one track on repeat, for however long my brain finds it satisfying. This one? This is magic.

And not some Hogwarts type of magic. This is going through all stages of life. It's all in one track - nostalgia, happiness, loneliness. Even longing for something, but you don't really know what you are longing for. Sometimes makes me tearful, sometimes just prompts thinking about where my life is going. One day it's 7 minutes of blissfulness, but the next day it's 7 minutes trying to remember what was lost.

But you know what? It's soundtrack, right? I loved the movie as a kid, don't get me wrong. But now, this became completely separate. I don't see the prairie or the horses when I listen to this. I see reflections of people coming and going through my life, places I visited, places I want to visit, love I felt and love that's still ahead of me. It's tragic and yet peaceful, serious and yet at times playful. Sounds of life. The life I already had, the life I have, but also the life I could have.

As you listen through this, doesn't it just scream (in this specific order):

I'm happy

I'm going on an adventure

Come on with me, it will be fun!

I'm lost - where are you? We had fun, right?

Nostalgia comes in - because we loved our time together and it was epic!

But now I'm alone and don't know what to do

I remember our time together, and it helps me go forward

Sometimes life is hard, and sad, and all you can do is sit down and cry

And feel sorry, for all of it

But at the end, there was love in that sadness, wasn't there?

So goodbye again, but we will remember the good times

Take those 7 minutes and find out what does it do for you. I promise, this time won't be wasted.

[shyames]

The journey starts here

How's your music taste? Mine is a mess. My liked songs on Spotify, if you shuffle, goes through literally everything. It can start innocently at Taylor Swift, but then will go to a song from a Bollywood movie, a random country song, a song I heard one summer in middle school, a variety of Eurovision songs (some are definitely guilty pleasures), a plethora of k-pop tracks, soundtracks, instrumental versions of various pop hits, Disney songs (OF COURSE), rock, indie, you name it - I bet it's there.

But one day, I was getting back from work, listening to Soundtracks & Instrumental (YES, I do have a variety of playlists, depends on the mood) and had this thought that wouldn't go away. I listen to a lot of music every day, but have I ever stopped to actually think how does it make me feel? In a moment, yes, I usually find the best track to help go through the emotions I have, but never pondered why this specific one. Which, remembering the music school times, I really should've.

And, being a millennial, with a, thank heavens, steady job for now, but still not ready to splash money on therapy (hey, the inflation is no joke, right?), I finally found the way to process whatever feelings I may have. FEELING THE SOUNDS. Yes - you heard me, each track from my Spotify library taken apart (which will take forever, so the world will probably end before I'm even 1/3 in).

If you wonder why in English, with it being my 2nd language. Well, I started learning it in primary school; in high school, with my first own laptop, I watched a lot of TV shows in original (who could afford waiting for subtitles?), started reading books in original as well AND my parents don't know English - bulletproof way to have a diary that they can't decipher when you are a teenager. Somehow, throughout all those years of immersion I switched, and it's easier to talk about my feelings in English than in Polish. Or I end up with Polglish, but that's just gibberish then.

So here we are - it may be a lonely journey I will undertake here, but I will gladly do so. Because music is so powerful it should be talked about, described in detail, shared, and if I'm lucky, discussed and opinions should differ - as there are no two identical people, there is no one right perception of music.