sigetstopsurgery

[sigetstopsurgery]

as promised, a photo of me with my tubes!

[sigetstopsurgery]

eight days since top surgery

whoof i really havent had the energy to post anything or even type at all until now so this is gonna be a long one. ill kinda try and do a little review of every day up until now in little groups, hopefully its all still fresh enough in my memory

jan 3rd: so i think the funniest part about me waking up post surgery was the fact that i went in to the operating room with one IV and woke up with three because apparently i have an anesthesia resistance that no one really knew about because i haven’t had surgery before except for wisdom teeth. i was kept at the hospital way longer than expected for a couple reasons: 1.) i was dosed up with so much anesthetic that i wouldn’t stay the fuck awake 2.) i did end up keeping my nipples meaning that i had to stay for a couple extra hours to make sure that the tissue took hold and didnt die (it didnt! im all good!) 3.) i puked multiple times, once again because of the absolutely massive amount of anesthesia they had to use on me. when i got home i was pretty much just wiped out and kinda miserable because of the puking and etc. my partner was there to take care of me and definitely made me feel a lot better. i dont really think i did much that night except lay in bed and watch buffy the vampire slayer. i did end up trying to eat and then also ended up puking again so that was not great at all. overall though? of all the things that couldve gone wrong at this point this was not bad at all.

jan 4th-6th: spent entire days in bed or on the couchpretty much just switching between sleeping and watching tv. man for the first few days i was just really wiped out. i couldnt brush my teeth, change clothes, or pee by myself so everything i was doing was really rough and took so so much extra effort. i ended up only taking the opioid pain meds on the day after i got home from surgery. otherwise i’ve been sticking strictly to tylenol. during this time i was getting a lot of little electric shocks of pain as well as a lot of pain in my drain areas and just general achiness. some people came and visited me so that helped in terms of distractions. at one point in this i had a really bad issue with constipation because of the painkillers that i took on the second day which was quite painful and upsetting. other than that though i was mostly just kinda waiting out the days and sleeping a lot.

jan 7th-10th: i started feeling better during this time, i was progressively able to do more and more things for myself, and i had energy for longer and longer periods. one of these days (i think it was the 8th) i went to the grocery store with my mom and my partner because i wanted sushi and i was going a little stir crazy. when i got home and checked a couple hours later, my drain was filled up with blood which is very much not supposed to happen. the doctors think i just jostled the drain from walking too much and accidentally hit a new pocket of fluid. i didnt end up having to go in because it wasnt a lot of blood and i didnt have any increased pain. sure was gross and anxiety provoking though. my darling partner also helped me rinse out my hair one of these days, which made me feel infinitely more human. ive been trying to change my clothes every day and etc, but its a rough process when you cant do it entirely by yourself. im really looking forward to monday when my drains come out and i can see my chest and also shower finally.

jan 11th: today is the first day that ive felt almost normal. like yeah im covered in bandages and theres tubes in my sides but ive felt mostly okay all day and havent had to take any tylenol or anything. the unfortunate part about this is that since i now feel okay physically pretty much im feeling even more trapped and uncomfortable and sad and stir crazy overall. luckily, its a nice day outside so im sitting and typing this with the door open so theres a breeze which always makes me feel a lot better. ive only got one more full day with my drains in and i could not be more excited to get them out and see whats goin on under these bandages!

[sigetstopsurgery]

(roughly) an hour until top surgery

whoof okay so the amount of fear i have just hit me this morning and i cried for like 30 minutes. i’m at the hospital now and i’m about to go in and i’m feeling a lot better. i’m really hungry but honestly they’re just gonna put me to sleep for four hours so like i feel like i can kinda just forget about this until it’s over. but i still am. quite anxious. i’ll do my best to update when i’m done. they drew marks on my body and my surgeon was confused that my titties were different sizes. anyway. see y’all on the other side ✌️

[sigetstopsurgery]

less than 12 hours until top surgery

aaanxious anxious anxious. i am very anxious. wrestling with the fact that my being anxious absolutely does not mean i do not want this. but i am still incredibly anxious. i really hope i find a way to sleep soon.

[sigetstopsurgery]

ONE DAY UNTIL TOP SURGERY

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!!???????!!!???!? WHAT THE FUCK?!!!?!?!!?!???? WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!? i am.... not gonna sleep tonight i don’t think. my arrival time is 8am tomorrow. i spent some of tonight setting up my stuff by my bed so i have all of it near me. i’ve got shower wipes and dry shampoo and a big cup with water and a book and a notebook and vitamin c gummies and a lap desk. right now i’m watching bojack horseman with my partner and trying to keep all my anxiety at bay and eating strawberries. i’m gonna be up at 5:30 tomorrow!!! and i’m gonna try and shower before i go. bc i can’t shower for like 10 days after tonight. anyway!! gonna go back to trying not to be anxious!!!

[sigetstopsurgery]

two days until top surgery

whooooo boy. whoooooooooooooo boy. 

[sigetstopsurgery]

4 days until top surgery

i got a call today asking about my medical history and etc. theyre gonna call me about the time for surgery in the afternoon the day before, so thursday afternoon. im assuming the surgery is gonna be in the morning but i dont really know. 

honestly, im incredibly excited for an excuse to do absolutely nothing. and that might be the depression talking to some extent but i also really do think itll be good for me to be relieved of all my responsibilities for a little bit. 

i have very little to say and mostly just wanted to give a quick update.

[sigetstopsurgery]

8 days until top surgery

jesus christ thats scary. im working on a shopping list right now of stuff i’m gonna need post op. ive got vitamin c gummies to avoid sickness issues, a neck pillow (i already got a back pillow), scar tape for later on in the process, a lap desk to make it easier to use my laptop in bed and such, some face and body wipes since i cant shower, and some dry shampoo. 

im gonna make a grocery run at some point soon so that i can get foods that’ll be good for me to have that i’ll be able to eat. im thinking ill also buy some like nutrition shakes because i hear its pretty common to not want to eat much for the first few days. 

overall im not quite able to make this feel real to me right now. partially because it just all feels really impossible and its always felt really impossible. partially because i have a lot of other things going on right now that are more pressing and so im paying more attention to those things. and also because im so scared that the second i believe its real its gonna get taken away from me somehow.

ive got a lot of distractions lined up this week which i think is good, because there truly is such a thing as over preparing and i think ill just make myself more anxious if i do that. im thinking maybe i should get some more large shirts because a good majority of my button downs are very well fitting. 

so basically, im almost a week out, im shopping, and im trying not to panic. its a good time. (though i genuinely am really excited i just cant acknowledge that bc im convinced itll go away if i do)

[sigetstopsurgery]

master list

read homestuck

read amp manual

listen to audiobooks or podcasts

read book

draw

sew round boys

make carrd site

vidya gaem

goblin album

write poetry

write essays from notes

pet cat (but not let cat on)

school i GUESS

make sticker

make patches

work on softboy sweater

watch bojack

watch buffy

watch fullmetal

hulu and netflix watchlists

[sigetstopsurgery]

14 days until top surgery

two weeks babey! it’s weird to think about especially with the holidays happening around this time because i’m so focused on that that i’m not really thinking too too much about surgery. but i am quite looking forward to the time off because i really really need it. if anything, surgery is gonna be good because i can not have responsibilities for a while and i desperately need that. i’ve been burning out faster and faster recently. i’ve saved about $200 for the time that i’m not gonna be able to work so i hope that’s enough to get me through without having to cut into my actual savings. my mom bought me a reading pillow to help keep me propped up in bed after surgery. overall, all is well.

[sigetstopsurgery]

-i could make a carrd website

-i can finally start that book club

[sigetstopsurgery]

22-18 days until top surgery

yall im depressed as all fuck which is causing me to have a really hard time keeping up with this. honestly genuinly looking forward to having pretty much forcibly having no responsibilities for like 2 weeks. that will hopefully be really good for me because i swear im fucking drowning right now. anyway. i guess the only major thing ive been thinking about is that i should write myself letters. for after surgery. i know a lot of people go through a depressive episode right after and feel as if theyve made the wrong decision. so in order to prepare for that i think i’m gonna write myself some letters and set them up on futureme to get emailed to me periodically throughout the surgery process. that way itll help me remember that i was really excited about this and like,,, provide some encouragement ig.

[sigetstopsurgery]

23 days until top surgery

sooo i had my pre op appointment today which was pretty neat. my surgeon and i made a deal about buttonhole vs. double incision bc after i talked it through with her some more i had more to think about. she’s really worried that if she does buttonhole (because of how big in the chest i already am) ill be left with more stuff there than i want. i told her that im okay with a little but of fullness in the chest, so long as it doesnt interfere with me wearing clothes and such. so we decided that when shes doing the surgery she’ll try buttonhole, and if it seem like its going to leave too much fullness she’ll just finish it with a double incision technique and graft my nipple. i really would rather avoid nipple grafts but if its a choice between that and having a lot of titty left over i choose the nipple grafts.

we also talked about how much time i would need to take off of school and work. im going to need to take the full six weeks for work but i already told my boss about that and he understands so it should be fine. im taking 18 days off for school and its all timed so that i dont really have to catch up too too much which is pretty nice. 

i dont think there’s much more that happened at this specific meeting that i wanna talk about, but they did give me a lot of the like basic information on pre and post op care and such, so if anyone is interested in hearing more details about that feel free to shoot me an ask or a dm!

[sigetstopsurgery]

25 & 24 days until top surgery

wow i really thought id missed more days than this. guess thats what depression does. i’ve just been super depressed and not doing so hot for a few days so i havent really gotten around to posting. also there hasn’t really been much new to report. i guess the main things ive been thinking about are like.... ive been really enjoying the “last time” i have to do a certain thing with tits. like, at my boxing gym there’s this body scan machine that we use to measure metrics and i did that today and since we only do it every 6 weeks thatll be the last time i have to do that before surgery. so ive been thinking a lot about things like that. and then also just stuff that i can do during the time that im stuck at home/in bed.

[sigetstopsurgery]

i could also read homestuck while i’m recovering bc it’s a nice lil brain workout and i have to finish it by the end of 2020 anyway

[sigetstopsurgery]

had a thought just now (after being really upset that im not going to be able to play guitar for 6 weeks) that while im recovering i can put some more work in on my stupid trash garageband album that im pretty much exclusively using electronic instruments for. the album is mainly an exercise in not allowing my own self criticism to stifle my creativity, hence why its so simple and i only really need a laptop and a notebook to work on it.

[sigetstopsurgery]

26 days until top surgery

been thinking a lot today about how like,,, getting top surgery is really going to be an exercise in self love for me? because i think that no matter what i do and no matter what kind of surgery i get there’s absolutely no way that i’m going to be 100% happy with the result right off the bat. like no matter what i am going to have to learn how to love what i look like after top surgery the same way that i’ve had to learn how to love what i look like now. i’m trying to acknowledge now that there are going to be parts of how i look post-surgery that i’m disappointed with, at least initially. and part of the work of getting surgery for me will be to figure out how to turn those parts into things that i love and embrace just as ive embraced other parts of myself. 

i think i’ve had a really hard time acknowledging this as an issue specifically because, as a trans person, its heavily implied a lot of the time that you should be 100% happy after surgery. and like, even when people acknowledge that you may not be happy after surgery, it’s always something along the lines of “oh, you’ll be happy when it all heals up” or “you’re just upset bc thats normal post surgery”. no one ever bothers to note that you can want to get surgery and consider it an improvement without it being the perfect solution. 

a lot of the ways i’ve learned to embrace the other parts of myself that i don’t quite like are mostly just like,,, leaning really hard into the fact that i look weird. like, as a person i don’t look quite right and i’ve learned to fuck with that. so i think this will be more of that. just kind of remembering that i look strange and also absolutely loving that i look strange and just considering top surgery to be part of that.