sillygoose0-0

[sillygoose0-0]

When is a woman gonna grab me by the chin and kiss me?

When is a woman gonna sling me over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes and just take me home? Like- please????

[sillygoose0-0]

My mind is a battle between

"I am not defined by my past, I am allowed to move on without blaming myself for my naivety"

"GOD I JUST NEED SOMSONE TO STROKE MY HAIR AND TELL ME ITS OK"

and

"You could kiss a 100 boys in bars, shoot another shot-"

[sillygoose0-0]

Respectfully, why is it so hard to find ace-spec people? I need to fall madly in love with someone. I will dedicate my heart and soul to them. I need to create for them, with affection being my muse. I won't truly rest my weary, queer bones until someone wants to cuddle with me because they love me, not because they want to do more. I have a silly little romantic heart, and I want to give it to someone who understands.

(I have been reading romance novels and lamenting)

[sillygoose0-0]

I went on a date with a man recently and had a big panic moment, like he did absolutely nothing wrong but my previous relationship has exasperated my fear of men which has had two fun effects.

1. - I have been craving a fluffy goofy sweet Sapphic relationship.

and

2. - I have been drawn to goofy men written by women who I know are unattainable or not real and therefore can't harm me (COUGH COUGH THE ARCANA MEN AND LAWRENCE FROM MINECRAFT DIARIES)

[sillygoose0-0]

I need someone to braid my hair, someone who between wrapping and weaving strands will wrap their arms around my shoulders. Someone who I can lean back into their lap seeking their eyes.

I want to go to my supermarket buy their favorite hot beverage in anticipation of getting to hangout, I want to surprise them with a piping mug of their tea, coffee, hot chocolate or whatever strange drink they may choose.

I want to sit with them and back and forth info dump about our favorite things, like yes I want to hear the plot of the 6 part french film festival short film about cannibalism that you love! Tell me what it represents sweetheart!

(I crave pure tooth rotting fluff, fluffier than the freshest of candyfloss)

[sillygoose0-0]

Song rec: Sympathy by Too Close To Touch

There's a sickness living inside me

PTSD often feels like this sickness festering inside. It's invisible to other people but it destroys us.

[sillygoose0-0]

Song rec: Another Know It All by Chevelle. I remember you saying in the past that your rapist considers himself a very smart person, and this song made me think of that.

Damn you're so dull

The first line already fits him perfectly. It's weird but when I was still dating my rapist I often thought about how dull he was. Like... I really disliked listening to him talk because most of what he said was so boring and uninteresting. But at the same time he was convinced he was so smart and clever.

I really don't get why I was ever dating him. It's crazy what trauma bonding did to me!

[sillygoose0-0]

Tw SA

Man I really want to listen to sad midwest emo music that relates to my SA but my SA'er loved midwest emo and would play it so it's ruined

I am sitting down in the shower It is this dirty type of clean That keeps me trapped in here for hours Still, I scrub and scrub until my body bleeds Convince myself I am coming clean Forget and ignore who I used to be That kid is never coming back

Bathtub - The Front Bottoms.

[sillygoose0-0]

Tw SA (literally me trauma dumping about how the trauma of it permeates every aspect of my life like a sickening saccharine odor I only realized was bad when it began to choke me )

Life after SA is fresh hell, i find myself eating foods I used to love and then having the memory tainted by vividly remembering tasting that food on their lips.

I look back at moments I thought i had to find sweet, sickening compliments they afforded me while taking advantage of my whole self, all the while making snap comments about how glasses wouldn't suit me or nobody cares what I have to say.

The isolation I feel when they try speak over me in a social situation and all I can do is try speak louder back because I feel suffocated, like they are clawing their way back just to take another peice of my heart? Maybe my body? Or maybe my sanity, I honestly dont know which would be worse.

The fact that my friends know it happened and empathize but they don't understand, they don't understand how filthy i feel, how it feels like nobody will ever love me because the first person who did took that love and twisted it to fulfill theit desire.

And the fact that I knew there was something wrong? I said I was ace and they lied and said they were despite the fact they openly spoke about being active with their ex, so i tested the waters by makimg a simple sex joke, only to have it held against me like a promise , like I had willed myself away to them.

I feel like fresh hot garbage

[sillygoose0-0]

I wanna be good for someone but not in the sexual way.

I want to be a memory someone looks back on and smiles.

I want to be able to brighten someone's day

I crave to be able to offer the hug someone needs and the love and affection someone deserves.

I want to love someone wholey and have them love me back the same, where we just exist in a state of giddiness and joy with sleepy cuddles and sweet words.

I want to be GOOD for someone, and too someone

[sillygoose0-0]

I need to be cuddled, I just want someone who wants to wear matching pj pants and cuddle, eating snacks and watching films while we take hour long naps, or going on cute dates only to go home and enjoy the quiet, laying on eachother with arms wrapped around the other

[sillygoose0-0]

want a girlfriend i can melt into

[sillygoose0-0]

I am unwell

[sillygoose0-0]

TW SA

Started crying on public transport today

I feel so gross, I want to wash myself clean, but no matter how scratched my skin gets from scrubbing, the soap and water won't clean me.

I want to feel clean. I want to sleep peacefully without worrying about her tongue in my mouth, I never asked for that, and I could have lived in peace not knowing it happened if she didn't find it funny enough to tell me

[sillygoose0-0]

Not coping well with how my consent was breached 💪💪

Listening to this on repeat for the "now its sweat, now it's sweat its sweat now" cause that really is how it is.

Trying to convince yourself you have any semblance of control and normalcy so you dont weep

[sillygoose0-0]

"i support aspec people!" yeah but do you?

are you normal about aplatonics?

are you normal about asexuals who have sex?

are you normal about aroallos? alloaces?

are you normal about asexuals that are sex repulsed because of trauma? hell, are you normal about asexuals that are asexual because of trauma?

what about aromantics who date?

what about everyone else who you ignore because they make you 'uncomfortable'?

what about, oh, i don't know, cishet aromantic men? because apparently you don't fucking support those people.

you cant support just some of us. you cant call yourself an aroace ally if you refuse to acknowledge those who dont fit your bullshit stereotypes and standards.

[sillygoose0-0]

I love watching romance shoes and just screaming when cute things happen.

like the drama, the love triangles, the twists and turns, the broken hearts

These companies pumping these out have me hook line and sinker