silverghost1001

[silverghost1001]

I've tried all possible passwords i could think of and find. i give up.

may i never know what was my password

Some days ago my instagram was hacked, which i find hilarious cuz some dude in the Netherlands (i live in Brazil) knows my password while i dont

Like, The password has never been changed since i created the account {June 2020}, and i cant for the life of me figure what it could've been

I usually put passwords as an current interest, problem? i dont remember what i had been interested in back then.

[silverghost1001]

So far i've tried, technoblade/dsmp, harry potter, two animes, my then crush

and yet, none worked. neither me or my aunt remember what i had been interested in back then

Some days ago my instagram was hacked, which i find hilarious cuz some dude in the Netherlands (i live in Brazil) knows my password while i dont

Like, The password has never been changed since i created the account {June 2020}, and i cant for the life of me figure what it could've been

I usually put passwords as an current interest, problem? i dont remember what i had been interested in back then.

[silverghost1001]

Some days ago my instagram was hacked, which i find hilarious cuz some dude in the Netherlands (i live in Brazil) knows my password while i dont

Like, The password has never been changed since i created the account {June 2020}, and i cant for the life of me figure what it could've been

I usually put passwords as an current interest, problem? i dont remember what i had been interested in back then.

[silverghost1001]

Grandma once called me a "Heartless Monster".

Yet, I am currently trying my very best to not cry because my aunt is sick and refuses to go to a doctor or to my other aunt's house or even let me miss school tomorrow.

I'm only 17 and as everyone loves to remind me, Useless. If she gets worse in the middle of the night or while im away i wont know what to do and im so worried and i cant try and i wish she'd just go to my aint's house and i cant do anything rn and if she sees me crying then she might be mad at me

[silverghost1001]

If I told anyone I need help, would they care? Would they try to help? Would they turn away the moment they realize i might just be dramatic? Would they leave when they see im not physically harming myself? Would they not care once they find out suicide is only in my mind? Would it even make any difference at all?

I want help. But i dont know how to get it. And I wouldn't deserve it anyways.

[silverghost1001]

Idk what's wrong with me, I've been too tired to even miss my friends and boyfriend, and I feel like im ignoring them. The only reason im not "ignoring" my bf as much is because he always tries and sticks right beside me, never going too far. But i can feel im getting more and more distant from everyone, that I've been rejecting touch and affection more and more. And I too much of a coward to try and talk about it with anyone. I hate this. I feel so guilty and idk what to do to make it better. Everything feels wrong and i almost told my aunt that I wanted to go Home. We WERE at home, but it never feels like home. Hasn't in so many years... I should talk about it. Try being smart and communicating, but i feel like it would just annoy and bother people and they already have their own problems to deal with and I'm scared of loosing them. Im scared they'll confront me about it at some point and i wont know what to say or do. I wanna go Home and be okay

[silverghost1001]

APPARENTLY I WROTE A WHOLE FUCKING ESSAY THAT I HAVE NO MEMORY OF

AND I REALLY LIKE ESSAYS SO I DEFINITELY WOULD REMEMBER WRITING ONE ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I GOT A 9,50 ON IT SO????

the only explanation would it not be an essay but rather the poems we wrote, but then i'd have a 10 instead of 9,50, plus, why would it have been labeled as an essay if it were the poems???? so many questions

starting to regret staying at home

[silverghost1001]

I just got hit with the realization that I'm in Love with my boyfriend

Which, haha what a surprise

BUT THIS IS SO SILLY dkskjxakks i love him so much and i rhink that the realization I'm actually in love with him hadn't fully hit me even though its been 4 months and oh my Goddess

I'm in Love.

[silverghost1001]

One of my favorite things to do some times is just

Stare

At my boyfriend, as lovingly as possible. I'll just fill my eyes with all the Love i have for him and watch as he does whatever he's doing at the moment. And its funny cuz he'll always smile and try to hide his face as if he's... ummmmm i forgot the word, but similar to embarrassment but good way. BUT ITS ADORABLE and he says "Stop looking at me like that" and i just lean on my hand and smile as i pretend to be innocent like "like what? I'm not doing anything!" And i just love him and he's so amazing and adorable and beautiful and incredible and

[silverghost1001]

I think km not okay

I dont think it'll be fine

But i dont deserve to ask for help.

[silverghost1001]

It hurts so much, I dont know why I can never do anything right. Especially when I try to. I only hurt wveryone and cause fights and make everything wrong and im sorry i know im not supposed to be alive, i should've died but idk how or why im still here. Maybe I should've just given in back in 2019. Maybe they'd have been better like that. Without me to annoy and make more bills that they'd need to pay. Maybe if I stopped eating and slowly used less and less things it'll make them happier? If i made myself invisible they wouldn't be able to be mad at. If i died then i wouldn't be a problem anymore and it hurts because im rrying my best i promise i am but its never enough how can i ever be enoghj? I want to make them happy but im so useless i cant even do basic stuff im too useless to even keep myself alive and even more useless to just kill myself already and get rid of their problme because if i hadnt been born everyone wouldve been happier and lived better and i wouldnt be there to make expenses and make people upset and do everything wrong because even my name i manage to get wrong and im so rieed i dont know what to do anymore and the only thing i deserve is pain and bad things but im so selfish that i still crave to be able to relay on somwone to be able to tell them my fears and woeries and then hug then when my heart feels heavy and my lungs refuse to breathe and everythings too much and i cant cry i just want to die but its Selfish because people depend on me and itd just prove how fucking useless i am because id be letting them down just cuz my family is always angry at me and everyone says my family doesn't hate me but if they dont, then im so fucking scared of the moment i take a wrong step and they hate me because this is horrible and im constantly scared of everything and i cant even losten to voice messages because I get scared that it'll be just them screaming at me for something while on good days i can baeely pay enough attention to pass my classes and i only manage to make friends because thwy probably pity me and i probably wouldnt make a single difference if i just vanished and maybe thats what i should do. Maybe i should just run away and die far away, maybe by the time they found my body everyone would've forgotten and moved on. I mean, people have already done that while im still alive. My mom simply left and pretends i never exosted, tells everyone i hate my brother even when I'd kill myself if it meant him being okay and happy. Im not religious, and i certainly dont believe on fairy tales, but all my wishes and prayers are that the 2 people that still matter to me, will be fine and happy. Even if ut costs my own happiness. Wven if it costs my own life. I would rather die in miswry and alone rhen know that i could've made them okay and prefered to keep this shitty existence going. They matter. They are important. Im just a fucking accident that should've died years ago and everyone probably regrets saving from each and every single i almost died during these 17 years. Maybe its not too late... Who am i kidding? I couldnt simply go and diaturb the school's calendar. There's group projects that depend on me and I've already done too many wrong things for me to just do more as if it'd be okay. Yhey dont deserve that stress, they already deal with so much. But me? I deserve every single bit of pain and anger that is inflicted upon me. I deserve to be hated and screamed at. I deserve every single horrible thing that may happen to me because im just a swlfish souless useless piece of trash and i should die already because im good for nothing other than taking up space and using up resources that could've been used for something better and more important. And evne if i wrote for the rest of my life i wouldnt be able to get everything out and im just so tired on so many ways.

Im sorry. Im truly very sorry. Im going to sleep now.

It'll be fine.

[silverghost1001]

My shitty brain is making me want to get hurt, but not hurt myself, no.

It wants me to get someone to hurt me. Someone specific. And it has been like that for a few hours now and its making me upset

I mean, if I asked maybe they'd agree to hurt me a little bit... but I feel guilty asking for anything, especially for things when my brain acts up like this

Aaaaaaaaa i need to be normal ffs

[silverghost1001]

You know, sometimes “Home” isn't really a place, especially not necessarily the place you live in.

Sometimes, “Home” is a feeling. “Home” is a smell, a taste, a color, a person.

“Home” is where you're safe. “Home” is where the heart is calm. “Home” is where the head can rest.

“Home” can be the Moon that illuminates the lonely nights, “Home” can be the Sun that warms the winter days, “Home” can be the clouds that make beautiful shapes in the sky, “Home” can be the rain that helps you sleep in the afternoon, “Home” can be a stray cat that allows you to pet it, “Home” can be a dog celebrating your presence.

“Home” can be any and everything. And maybe my “Home” is you.

[silverghost1001]

"Empty Shell" is 1yo today...

"Empty Shell" is a poem of sorts that I wrote exactly one year ago, on 31/8/2023 back then I was in a very bad place, mentally as well as the place I was living in and the people I was with. Back them I wasn't even sure if I'd survive to the end of the year. I had no clue about how my life would be, where I'd be living, if Bubbly (My baby brother) would be okay, if his dad would... do something bad. If our mom would finally believe me and let us help, if one day I'd be free, If I would be there to see Bubbly's first steps, first words, first birthday and other important milestones. (Spoiler alert: I didn't see any of those.)

Some day were better than others, "Empty Shell" was written on a bad day. Far from the worse when compared to panic attacks, calling police, and many many other things. I left that place in December, I think. I'm doing somewhat better now and life's very different, but oh, I miss Bubbly so much it hurts. And it'll never get better. And I'll never forgive my "mom" for what she did. But at least from what I see of his pictures and I hear him when aunt's on the phone with my grandma, I can say he's doing okay.

Before The poem, I just want to say it mentions themes like self-harm, suicide ideation, bad parenting, self-worth issues, self-image issues, issues with food and weight, heavy zoning out, blood, knifes, needles, and probably others. Thank you.

Here's the poem:

[31/8/2023]

Empty Shell.

❴✠❵┅━━━━━━━╍⊶⊰⊱⊷╍━━━━━━━┅❴✠❵

The clock tick-tocks as if it were mocking me,

Everything feels like it was a personal offense to my very own being.

The World feels so damn loud,

Yet so tauntingly quiet around my muffled screams and blank stares.

It feels almost too much,

But never nearly enough.

As if my brain has simply left for vacation,

Leaving an Empty Shell of breathing meat behind.

My head hurts from thinking,

My heart bleeds from not.

My head begs and shouts,

My heart cries and drowns.

Everything feels like it's the iceberg and I'm the Titanic,

Ready to hit it face-first, singing as I break down and people drown.

I'm so cold,

I'm so Hot,

I'm so confused and lost.

The clock tick-tocks mocking me,

And I don't know when to leave.

The ticking is calming, almost like home.

The ticking is annoying, feels like home.

Everything hurts,

Everything bleeds,

At least, I wish I would.

The Blood attracts me,

Like a flower would to a bee.

I want to bite until I bleed,

To cut a pretty scar in my lip.

Taste the iron-y drink,

Paint the white a pretty pink.

It reminds me of the needle,

It reminds me of the knife.

It reminds me of the rope,

It reminds me of the height.

I haven't been awake today.

It's all just a dream, is it not?

The floor feels too cold

Under my too hot feet,

And the pain feels numbing

In a twisted comforting way.

Breathing is heavy,

Just like Mom always says I am,

Then someone else will come and say,

"God, how skinny you are!"

I can't eat much.

I don't like it,

I don't feel like it,

I am just scared of gaining weight.

Even when Mom said I could see the outline of my collarbone,

Because I don't eat enough.

The World is silent now,

Though it's noises make me want to throw up.

Though it's noises are enough to upset my brain.

Though it's noises make me feel like crying.

Though it's noises are enough to choke my heart.

Feels like I'm in a frozen chamber,

Only melting when someone knocks at the glass.

Then, like a startled fish,

I'll jump and reanimate.

Though my head will be too hot,

Though my heart will be too numb,

Though my body will be too cold.

The clock keeps tick-tocking mocking me,

I have a dead person's cold hands,

I have a alone person's sunken heart.

I have a Growing Need To Bleed.

I have a twisted mind that Begs For It's Own Blood,

And I have a pair of Shaking Hands that wish to Please.

And nothing ever stops.

There's never a break

From the freezing cold in the middle of a 30°C Summer,

From the burning warm in the middle of a 10°C Winter.

Maybe that's why.

Maybe that's why the clock mocks me with it's ticking.

Maybe that's why the Titanic sank with music.

Maybe that's why my flesh begs to be cut open.

Maybe that's why my brain left an Empty Shell of Breathing Meat behind.

Maybe that's why.

❴✠❵┅━━━━━━━╍⊶⊰⊱⊷╍━━━━━━━┅❴✠❵

Empty Shell.

By:

Silver/[Redacted].

[31/8/2023]

[silverghost1001]

This is my first post in here so um...... Hi

This account will be used kinda like a diary, but one anyone can come over and peek at so that's fun ig

I'll post all sort of shit, pics, drawings, complaints, thoughts, whatever piece of writing i need to get somewhere i can easily access and find, i also tend to post as stuff happens..... specially when I'm sick.... i just narrate whatever I'm doing cuz it's fun and I also lose a lot of filter when tired/sick and if im feverish I become childish 😃

I have no clue how to use tumblr properly tho, so it'll be trial and error as i sort stuff out and get used to this BUT HEY!! THERE'S NO CHARACTER LIMITS SO I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE MY SILLY THINGS HERE

Which also means that me talking about how shitty my family is will be much longer than it used to be............

It'll be fineeeeeeeeeeee