simonstardust

[simonstardust]

Yeah, nevermind.

I am so depressed and burnt-out... I don't even know IF I can ever write again.

I've been trying to write for weeks now. On this fic in particular, on just any fic. It doesn't work out. I write one sentence and... it feels wrong and uninspired.

I just wish this phase was over already. I miss KidLaw so dearly, I'd actually need them to feel a tiny bit better, yet I can't bring myself together to create anything with them. It sucks.

I am sad now. Great. Sorry for the rant.

Guess who...

...finished the draft for chapter four of their skunk!KidLaw fanfiction? Me! Finally! After months it seems writer's block is over! Once I've finished the draft for chapter five, I might begin editing. <3

[simonstardust]

Guess who...

...finished the draft for chapter four of their skunk!KidLaw fanfiction? Me! Finally! After months it seems writer's block is over! Once I've finished the draft for chapter five, I might begin editing. <3

[simonstardust]

Same. But for me, it's the "grinning at the other from the side." xDDD

The problem with writing kidlaw fic is that I have used some version of the word “glared” 23 times, but none of the synonyms sound right

[simonstardust]

A mass attack for Artfight 2024 of which I'm hella proud. My One Piece Got Skunked-AU OC May (she's the adoptive daughter of Kid and Law~) with some skunk friends. <3 From left to right: Meadow by @toko-in-the-90s Wesley by Lyearch on Artfight Ash by @flakops Easley also by Lyearch and May by me. :3

[simonstardust]

Aaaand... of course I would give those two skunk idiots a daughter. She's so precious! <3

For everyone on artfight I'll add her profile here:

[simonstardust]

Another thing I did for my skunk bois~<3

Really... combining two of my most intense special interests (KidLaw & skunks) turned out to be the best yet worst thing ever. xDDD (Kinda unsure if I should've made Law's horny level higher than Kid's in this universe... xD)

[simonstardust]

They're skunks now. Deal with it.

[simonstardust]

This is the last entry for my Snailtober this year. ^^ I had a lot of fun doing this and was amazed at how many different designs I could come up with. (But I want to be honest: I’m a bit glad that it is over. x,D)

So - Happy Halloween everyone!

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 30/31 - Sky Wings

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 29/31 - Fiery Ink

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 28/31 - Cyber Lights

[simonstardust]

I once was

I once was this little girl never interested in dolls. I once was this little girl who would always be the father in role plays. I once was this little girl secretly favouring it to be called "just like your dad" over "just like your mum." I once was this little girl trying to talk to the boys. Never had I figured it would matter so much to them that I am "only a girl who doesn't understand what we're talking about." I once was this little girl having her first secret crushes on boys her age. I once was this little girl never raised as a "typical girly" girl. I once was this little girl whose favourite colour was blue instead of red. Because all the girls liked red. I once was this little girl who knew exactly that she wasn't like the other girls. I once was this little girl who was the shy one. I once was this little girl in her dinosaur phase. I once was this little girl who was just a little wild, adventurous girl. Not your average girl, but certainly a girl.

I once was this girl of 16 years still frowning upon everything girly. I once was this girl of 16 years who looked at the boys and thought that they had so much more fun together than the girls. I once was this girl of 16 years unable to speak up her mind. I once was this girl of 16 years just letting things happen around me, just watching, never taking action. I once was this girl of 16 years who got rejected by her crush because I "don't talk much." I once was this girl of 16 years starting to fall in love with stories about gay relationships. I once was this girl of 16 years only wearing men's clothing. I once was this girl of 16 years hating her body. Everything. Her breasts, her thin waist, her butt on which trousers would never look like what they do on a guys butt. I once was this girl of 16 years who felt like a guy trapped inside a female body. I felt it so deep inside. It was so real. It hurt so much. I cursed my genes, I wished to wake up one morning and be a guy. I once was this girl of 16 years wanting to be a gay guy named Nathanel. Then I told my parents. They were devastated. They were in shock, in fear. They blamed themselves. They tried to reason with me. My father was unable to speak to me. He simply couldn't. He felt helpless. My mother asked me what would be so different if I were a boy. I couldn't answer her. As the answer would have been "the body" and "I could be gay." Already back then I felt those answers to be superficial. Not tackling what was there. But I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to be a guy. Finally my parents gave in. They told me that they would accept me changing my sex. And then... nothing happened for a long time. I grew impatient. I started to question myself. Sex change would never give me a real man's body. I still wanted it. I would forever be living with the knowledge that I was by no means a real man. I still wanted sex change. Until... one day... There was a show about gothic lifestyle on TV. It was back there and then my life slowly started to change. I was this girl of 17 years who fell in love with the dark melancholy. I was this girl of 17 years spending less and less thoughts on wanting to be a guy. I was this girl of 17 years still reading gay stories and writing them myself. I was this girl of 17 years struggling with being called "a woman." I was this girl of 18 years having relapses, reliving all the agony of not being a man again and again. I was this girl of 18 years still not caring much about what happened around me. I felt disconnected to the world. I felt different. I certainly was not like the other girls. I was this girl of 18 years having her first kiss. But was way too afraid of a relationship. I was this girl of 19 years fearing what would come after school. I was this girl of 20 years trying to cope with the real world. I grew older. I had some more relapses. I had a short relationship. I failed to get any job. I failed to live in this world. But I never failed to self-reflect. I slowly began to understand myself. My mind. I spent years on it. And then there was the diagnosis: Asperger's syndrome with social anxiety. I went to therapy. I self-reflected even more. And finally... everything seemed so clear. Today I am the young woman who knows why she's different. Today I am the young woman with good chances to get a life as "normal" and happy as it can be. Today I am the young woman still hating it sometimes being called "womanly", "graceful" or "typical woman." But I am learning to embrace it. Said by the right person I even view those words as compliments. Today I am the young woman who has realized that she never was a guy trapped inside a female body. Who has learned that with autism there just comes a higher chance of not feeling always right within the own body. Today I am the young woman who has started achieving what she actually always wanted when she said she wants to be a guy: The skill of taking action. The skill of influencing this world. The skill of standing up for myself. The skill of accepting myself. The skill of taking leadership, control and responsibility. All these skills which younger me always had dreamed of to magically achieve through becoming a guy. Today I am the young woman who is deeply thankful to her mother for asking that one question back then. For not actively supporting me to get sex change. Today I am the young woman knowing that feelings don't control her. But thoughts control her feelings. Today I am the young woman who feels deepest in touch with her own body while dancing. When dancing I can be free and wild again. The child I always was and will be. Today I am the young woman who has accepted that she simply is information-oriented instead of emotion-oriented. And that it is right to be like that. That it makes me no less of a woman. Today I am the young woman who sees that being male or female really only is a difference in body. The soul itself has no gender. Today I am the young woman still looking at men in awe, too scared to talk to them. Masculinity seems to be my greatest fear yet what I need oh so badly in my life. Today I am the young woman interested in biology, in science fiction, in gay stories still, in music, in writing, in art, in nature and in beautiful clothing. I am a woman of many facets. Too many for my own good sometimes. But I finally can embrace all of them. Today I am the young woman who is a rebel at heart but soft and polite on the outside. As it's always been. That's who I am. The parts of me that never will change. So I look at the world today and see all those poor souls struggling like I once did. And I ask myself: How many of them actually have problems similar to mine? And how many of them are lucky enough to have such caring, wise parents like I do? How many of them will work on themselves to get out of that emotional hole? How many of them will actually come to peace with themselves and their bodies? How many of them will find the way to a happy life through self-reflection? What is it with this world, offering sex change as cure for the symptoms, when we actually should treat what triggered the symptoms in the first place? But oh well - we do that to any other disease, too. Because it seems so much more easy. It is easier to swallow a pill than searching for that one emotion which made your body weak so it could get ill. I cannot help but wonder how many different genders, sexualities, religions, beliefs and other not actually existing constructs mankind has invented in the blink of an eye. When in the end... we actually are all the same: humans.        

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 27/31 - Green Ink

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 26/31 - Blue Ink

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 25/31 - Red Ink

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 24/31 - Embroidered Colors

[simonstardust]

Snailtober 2017 23/31 - Blue Crosses