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Why ?

I admire every essence of you when you aren't looking. Yet I'm left feeling awkward because you don't look at me the same...

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I Know .

Random heart flutters peak in my day like sunshine through stained windows. My body never lies to me. A gift and a curse. To know. Knowing makes me anxious. . .

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Cut On/Cut OFF

Being born with supernatural gifts, I've realized people tend to try to "act" a certain way when I'm in their energy. I spent years figuring out my gifts, and how to utilize them, and the results never fails. I block my energy at random moments to test people. Once my energy is non accessible, people began to crack. They get uncomfortable, as if I did something grand. Or as if I cut them off of The Source....... TBC

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Narcissistic Supply.

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If I..

I wonder if I succeeded the first time, would I be satisfied with my decision. If I could see my life right now, would it all have been worth it? That question lingers in my mind daily. Haunting me because sometimes I don't have an answer.

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A Liar

I Hate A Liar. I hate how they feel powerful enough to manipulate situations. Cradling their lies like newborn babies. Yet wise enough to know the impact of their actions. They narrate their stories harmfully, weaponizing any challenge of honesty. Masking guilt with confusion in order to escape persecution.

I Hate A Liar

I hate a liar in relationships. The scum of all liars. Intentionally preparing a table for heartbreak. Sleeping in peace, as every untrue seed begins to manifest into an unfeasible garden. Watching the one they claim to love pick from the same garden knowing there is no substance or life in it...

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Thirsty

I seek validation in unconventional ways. I pour outside of myself, watering foundations until my cup is empty. If I'm in a room full of fullness, why wouldn't I get refilled? My substance has watered countless gardens. While mine laid dehydrated. Baked at the roots from the light that shines relentlessly through my being.

I'm thirsty.

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All Eyes On Me

*TRIGGER WARNING*

When I was in the 8th grade, I was sexually assaulted by two of my classmates. In front of the whole class. Theater class. The teacher wasn't in the room yet. Which was typical... Everyone watched, and No one did anything. It's as if we collectively made a pact to keep this a secret. But I'm not carrying this "secret" anymore...

It was my 8th grade year, but I was new to the school. I knew no one, and no one knew me. I was withdrawn because of the medication I was on (I'll save that for another day), so I was and still am extremely introverted. Anyways, there were two boys in my class that had a crush on me. They did what boys usually do at that age when they like a girl. Basically, bully her, I guess.

This particular day, I walk into theater class, and as I am about to sit down, I'm yanked up and thrown against the wall. Facing forward, I see all eyes on me, as _____ holds my left wrist, and ________ holds my right, as they both shove their hands in my pants. They playfully fight each other into my panties, and forcefully shove all their fingers inside me. My eyes are soaked, and my voice is cracked from screaming, as I feel their nails scraping me. This particular class was kind of basement-like. It was "theater". While our main classes were upstairs. My screams were for those in the room to help me. But they didn't. My entire class watched. I lock eyes with a girl who hated me. She was my "own personal bully". I looked at her for help because as fucked up as it sounds, she was the only person I was social with... Familiar with... even though our social relationship was me being bullied......... I was that helpless.

And then I hear laughter. Met with more laughter. Seemed like it was contagious. I don't know how long that happened for. I don't remember when it stopped. I don't remember the rest of the day. I don't even remember the rest of my 8th grade year. But what I do know is I didn't say anything... and neither did they...

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Sick Guilt

This sickness is consuming me whole.

"Rest", "drink tea", "Take medicine", yet I Cannot. I am in a paralysis. With body, but not in the mind. I try to lay down, but then I am consumed with guilt about laying down. How dare I rest? It's the beginning of the year. EVERYTHING needs to be done. This sickness is consuming me whole. How dare you look like this? How dare I allow myself to be "Lazy"? I want to release those voices, but what if those voices are mine... Release myself? Maybe.