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[skyeseattle]

one year ago vs today! 85 lbs down

[skyeseattle]

!! ED TW !!

I hate my mental illness. I hate not being able to get off the bathroom floor at 2am after an hour of mustering up enough energy to get to the toilet. I hate feeling my heart sink in its chest when I’ve gained .5 pounds, even after using the restroom. Continuing work after briefly losing consciousness, my ears buzzing and vision blurry, yet calling in sick the days I feel too disgusted by my face and body to leave the house. Taking Molly just to lose those 5 pounds of water weight, the high of the scale number going down, being more exhilarating than that of drugs. Having to close my eyes while walking past the kitchen to hurry back to my room, where the tumblr thinspo tag is waiting, the computer screen pulling me in, an addiction of fantasizing about a body I’ll never have, and an even more unachievable life to go along with it. Coming up with reasons to justify destroying my body, being more concerned with my shrinking tits than my abnormally low blood pressure. Fantasizing about the found confidence I’d have, the outfits I would one day wear without insecurity. The summer days I’d spend swimming instead of crying in the dressing room, just to read by the pool instead. Going to the gym. Shopping in person rather than online, avoiding the embarrassment of most stores not carrying my size. Piggy back rides from men I’d always weighed more than. Going to parties, having sex and enjoying it, rather than obsessing over which position hides my stomach best. My weight not being the first thing someone noticed about me, and being able to connect on a personal level before preconceived judgement is already made.

My goal weight wasn’t simply a number on a scale, it was an entire life I thought I could live if I just fit the mold a bit more. I justified the behaviors that were destroying me, and the world went along with it. My neighbor, my old classmate, my grandma, all having something to say regarding my weight loss. Usually along the lines of, “You look so much healthier...”or “happier.” That one hurt the most.

The bullying from others stopped, leaving me to bully myself, past comments on an endless loop in my head. The stares of concern and disgust being replaced by wandering eyes, placing more worth on this new body which I have to destroy in order to maintain. In a way, it worked. So many of my wishes came true, but it never led to this happiness or fulfillment I thought it would bring. This summer I went swimming, for the first time in years. I can shop at Urban Outfitters and Forever21. For months I was able to have casual sex. The world treats me kinder. None of these changes brought the happiness I thought they would. I thought being skinny was being care free. Yet everyday I find myself so angry about all the intrusive thoughts running through my head. Don’t swallow that spit, it’ll go straight to your stomach. Don’t eat dinner tonight, you can’t be bloated if you want to swim tomorrow. Suck in your stomach… constantly. Going into the water yet being too lightheaded to reallyswim. Being too worried about your disorder to really live.

When I hurt myself externally, I was rushed to the hospital. When I destroyed my body to fit society’s expectations, I was praised.

I'm extremely fortunate to have a support group and access to professional help. I'm on the road to recovery and this was more of a reflection than anything. If any of this resonated with you, I urge you to reach out for help.

Eating Disorder Hotline: CALL (800) 931-2237 Monday-Thursday 11am-9pm (ET), Friday 11am-5pm (ET)

TEXT (800) 931-2237 Monday-Thursday 3pm-6pm (ET)

24 HR CRISIS HOTLINE (866) 427-4747

[skyeseattle]

adieu

Your lips would’ve been pink.

The same color as the roses in your grandmother’s garden.

You wouldn’t have thorns, no.

You’d only be as soft and as delicate as the petals.

When you opened your lips the sounds of birds singing would release.

Your movements would be delicate, as your white flowy dress moved with the warm wind.

But today, it is winter.

Birds stay in their nests and the sun hides behind clouds.

The bees have yet to come out and bring the roses to life, just as you.

There is little happiness, exuberance, or joy.

I sit heavy as the drenched wilted flowers,

Clothed in a white hospital gown rather than a dress.

As I swallow the pill and destroy what would’ve been you, the sun sets.

I don’t know when it’ll come up again

[skyeseattle]

Capitulate

You grazed my upper leg with your matured joints,

I went from perturbed to panicked,

Trapped in my catatonic reaction, unable to withstand,

As they went nearer, crushing my lower supple lips with your old tarnished knuckles,

Extinguishing the last part of childlike energy which convinced me that an adult could care for me in a way which was unblemished, virtuous, pure,

I have lost my credence in you,

Conviction has grown easy,

Those nimble hands which once passed through my delicate hair now reside within rusty shackles.

[skyeseattle]

Hi!

I’m Skye, a 17 y/o from Seattle

I made this page to share my work and passions