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The AMERICAN Broadcast Company!

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President Trump has officially cancelled his planned meeting with Kim Jong Un. “It’s too bad,” he told reporters, “She sounded hot.”

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A yawning man was caught on security camera stealing $250 worth of Red Bull. I’d hate to see how he looks when he’s stealing toilet paper.

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I really liked Letterman. As a tribute to his shows, here is a personalized Late Show-esque Top Ten List.

Top Ten Reasons The Supreme Court Decided to Legalize Gambling

10. To give those long deliberation sessions a little bit more ‘pep.’

9. Just to stick it to Pete Rose one more time.

8. To hopefully make baseball interesting.

7. To distract us all from the concussions.

6. Judge Sotomayor is on a hot streak!

5. To make us forget the Warriors will be playing the Cavs in the Finals AGAIN!

4. Because the owner of the Raiders bet them they couldn’t....aww darn it!

3. Because Americans couldn’t figure out any possible other way to bet on games

2. To make the horses jealous!

1. They got tired of always having to go through Senators who “knew a guy.”

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During their merger, AT&T paid Trump’s lawyer $600,000 for “consulting fees.” The phone company wasn’t available for comment, but said they’d reach out tomorrow sometime between 8 and 2.

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A couple in Ohio awoke to find a stranger sleeping on their couch surrounded by piles of Easter candy. Or as that crime is more commonly known as: sophomore year of college.

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President Trump has pulled out of the Iran Nuclear Deal. He rationalized the decision by pointing to the recent Korean treaty and saying “It’s important for Americans to always be terrified of something.”

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A man in India was mauled to death while trying to pose with a bear for a selfie. In other news, the bear has a great new profile photo.

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A Colorado woman was cited after she blew up a 7-Eleven microwave trying to heat up her urine sample. Ironically, the sample was the healthiest item ever warmed up in a 7-Eleven microwave.

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The new CFO of Heinz is 29 years old, which is the same age as the bottle of ketchup in my fridge.

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‪Ted Cruz was busted favoriting pornographic videos on Twitter. This is the worst thing to happen to the Cruz family since his dad helped assassinate JFK.‬

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Last night on 60 Minutes, Steve Bannon said that firing James Comey was the biggest political mistake in modern history. That is, until whatever Trump decides to do next week.

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A new report says that sex robots my one may possess the ability to kill you. That is, if you tell them that their mom can't come over.

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I agree with every word.

How 'American Gladiators' Helped Empower The 'Alt-Right'

If the events last month in Charlottesville showed us anything, it is that there has never, in the history of the United States, been a more racially contentious time in our country. Move over Civil War. Step aside, slavery. There is a new sheriff in town, his beat is patrolling the dark web and his name is Alt Right. Make that, Sheriff Alt Right. He’s gainfully employed. 

While the rise of the Alt Right is up for discussion and has been the subject of a slew of well-intentioned but super wrong hot-take opinion pieces, at the end of the day there is only one institution that all people of every race, gender and creed can agree is to blame for the rise of this new generation of hate speech warriors: The American Gladiators.

Just look at them. Standing there, mean-mugging in their sparkling red, white and blue leotards. Every Saturday afternoon, right when the boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese would slowly be digesting in the stomachs of grade school boys and girls the nation over, their television sets would project images of this assemblage of super soldiers sent to protect their great country from anything disrespecting the American name. 

But it wasn’t outside forces these hulked-out machine men and women would combat, their enemies were other Americans. 

They would just call them “Challenger,” letting kids know that anyone who doesn’t stand with you is your enemy! They are challenging your nation’s superiority and you must do all that you can to destroy them with all of your might! Also, they made them wear red. The un-American Commie color. 

The muscular warriors carried heated and controversial names like “Storm,” “Sabre" and “Blaze,” all aliases seemingly pulled directly from the annuls of 4Chan. And while meathead hosts Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka tried in vain to keep the levity and claim the entire competition was merely an athletic exhibition, all of us with our eyes open know now what they were REALLY doing: indoctrinating America’s youth to the ideals of honoring the American flag through bully, might and blunt-force racism.

They knew what they were doing. They knew that by showing kids how much adoration could be achieved by wrapping yourself in the flag and throwing anyone who opposes you from a 10-foot-tall jousting platform, they were setting the White Supremacy movement up for success in the future.

They’d dazzle young men with imagery of Diamond’s bejeweled flesh or Zap’s muscle-stacked butt-cheeks to let you know that pure, unbridled racism gets you ALL of the chicks! And dammit they were so right! ALT right, in fact. 

Look at that wardrobe? Where do you think he got the idea to sport that original color scheme? I’ll give you one hint…

That’d right. Gosh darn Malibu inspired this fanatical arm of modern day fascism.

What is hard now is the damage has already been done. We can’t go back in time and close this bottle. The tiki torches can’t be unlit and the runaway train can’t be halted. But what we can do is learn from our mistakes and never give our undying adoration to a colony of steroid-addled monster men. 

At least until football season starts again next week. 

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A new study finds that the U.S. economy would grow by $2.5 trillion if every American was given $1,000 cash per month. But don’t worry, your roommate will still find a way to come up just a few dollars short.

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A car that was stolen in 1979 has been pulled from a murky swamp. The rightful owner is excited to get his old car back while his wife couldn’t be less enthusiastic.

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‪A three-mile wide asteroid will fly by earth tomorrow. It was originally planning on hitting us, but was afraid that no one would notice.‬