somian-audere - Tumblr blog

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXXIII

Of New Years and New Fears

Happy new year, everyone.

            The holidays had been surprisingly kind to me, got to meet up with a few relatives and for once it wasn’t a complete pain in my behind save for one event that I’ll save for later. Went swimming with two of my cousins. The two were in elementary school, one was in the sixth grade and the other was in fourth grade, I believe? The details got a bit muddled since I was just quietly enjoying my time in the inadequately short swimming pool.

Look, I love swimming okay? It's one of the few cardiovascular exercises that don't make me sweat so much...on the account that I'm already wet from the start.

Back on topic, my cousins were an interesting pair of lads.

            Reminded me of how I was back when I was their age albeit I’d like to believe I was much better behaved than they were. After all, I had to maintain my rank as the ‘most behaved student’ AKA the student that didn’t talk much. Throwaway awards aside, the two had a surprisingly morbid and weird sense of shared humor. Granted, I’m pretty sure everyone’s gone through their hyper edgy, dark humor phase. I knew I did.  I won’t delve into it since a ton of the jokes they said would’ve gotten them canceled on this corner of the internet, besides they’re kids, they’ll figure it out eventually, right?

Yeah, I know, cousin of the year.

            But hey, I’m not their parents, go sue me. I’m not about to lecture kids on why their jokes are offensive, not while I’m laughing along with them. What can I say? My sense of humor is juvenile.

Besides that,

            A ton of my relatives pointed out how big I was getting. Admittedly I’m not sure whether to take that as an insult or a complement, because I had been bulking up thanks to my work-out routine. Another factor to consider is the fact that I have also been getting heavier due to my recent medication. Turns out I had hyperthyroidism, so I had to take meds which may have been contributing to my recent density increase. Truth be told, my body has been getting a bit heavier for my liking and even though my thyroid hormones are reaching normal levels, my sweat levels are still off the charts.

Perhaps I should try a healthier diet for the year.

            But I swear to God, each time I try my family always ends up with more food than we know how to deal with after the holidays and then I have to deal with a ton of the leftovers! I’m never going to get rid of my beer belly at this point.

So that’s two resolutions for the year: Be healthy, and be less sweaty.

            Two things that I have struggled with for years, we’re off to a great start.

Speaking of things that I’ve struggled with.

            This year, I intend to stop pursuing something that’s a bit more personal. A last shot at something before I try something new. I have a plan A and B for it, but the chances of both plans failing are at an all time high. I’m…not sure what I can do if I fail at both things but doing both of them feels like the safest option.

I can’t go into depth about the two plans but I guess I can talk about them discreetly enough.

Plan A.

            I’ve been trying at this one for years. Each attempt has only resulted in marginal improvements, it’s good but not enough—the story of my life summed up in a single statement. I’m not even motivated to try all that much this time, even after months of ‘preparing’ for it. If I succeed in this matter, it feels like I’ll end up in the same place I did months ago. I can’t…I can’t go through that again. But if I fail, then I let a ton of people down. Is that a fair price? My pain for the satisfaction of others?

Plan B.

            This one’s a more recent endeavor—it’s a solid option if I succeed in it given my current circumstances. Scary thing about it is I have no clue as to how it might end up in a few years’ time. I still have debts to pay for the next few years and I’m not sure if it’ll be able to cover that. Furthermore, I have already tried for this and absolutely fumbled the bag. I’m willing to try again for it, if that’s what it takes.

I have never been one for gambling.

            And yet my life has the need to raise the stakes anyways. If you’re afraid that I’m betting my life on two very flimsy options then know that I have a third less concrete but equally flimsy option along the way.

…

Contrary to what everyone knows about me, I am not a very smart person.

            I have no clue what to do with the rest of my life now. And all I can do is come up with elaborate plans to tide the coming storm—trying to find a way to give myself more time to figure things out. But I never do.

And I guess that’s probably the last resolution for this year: Figure things out.

Let’s all have a great 2024.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXXII

The part in my life where I get hurt by a book.

Alright, admittedly the title might be an exaggeration. I was given emotional damage by a book, though with the way I’m feeling, it would honestly hurt less if the book was thrown at my head.

Time to rip the band aid off, the book I read was ‘Somewhere in Between’ by Katie Li (2015). It was a short read, just around one hundred thirty-eight pages. I will talk more about the specifics but the way the book made me feel was like I was staring at an art piece in a museum. I kept staring at it for hours because I didn’t understand it and after a few more hours of staring I find that the art piece and the museum never existed in the first place.

It hurt me a lot.

I have an odd fixation on putting the pieces together, there’s this weird sense of satisfaction when you can tell where a story is about to go. It’s clockwork, you read, you put things together, then you understand.

But this story isn’t about understanding it, it’s about how it makes you feel. And I think I was saddened by the end of it because I really like the characters here. Now, if you’ve been following my Tumblr page, you’ve probably figured out by now that my comfort ship is the Murder Drones characters N and Uzi.

When I read this book and found that the characters in the book were like really close to my OTP, I was like, “Fuck.” And I went down the spiral staircase of madness.

The story was really sound, I loved how the author used varying font styles to indicate if the characters were in the real world or the in-between place. The characters were just so…I can’t use words right, but the tension, my shipping radar was off the charts. Another storytelling tool that the author used was the nonlinear timeline storytelling, sometimes the story would take place in the past and the present. Context clues should be able to let the reader figure out when certain story beats take place, save for one chapter that deals with the characters' perspective on time which was kind of ironic, huh, neat.

I’m really not giving the story any justice. So go read it! You know what, I’ll pick some excerpts from the book and list down my reactions.

This’ll be fun. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who names their kid after an ice cream brand?

It could be a reference to the flower rather than ice cream, idiot.

There are other flower species!

You do realize that flowers have specific meanings, right?

You’re right, I’m an idiot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Well not breaking up exactly, he told her. “But I need a break.”

Ha! Eat shit, Zane! You suck! Girl, Magnolia, you can do better.

A bit of an extreme reaction, but I agree.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I liked how it was— I don’t like it when things change.”

Mood.

Relatable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I would never bring someone else here,” he says, “This is our place.”

I’m not going to cry!

Eh, I’ve cried a few times already. It’s pretty wholesome. And it's probably a bad idea to bottle up the way you feel. Please, how bad can it be?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jump,” she said, her voice a whisper in his ear. He didn’t want to, but he did anyway.

It’s so cute! ABWEH ARHLERWG DLASNA!

A-Are you having a stroke?

Just a mini-heart attack, I can take it. *coughs out blood*

Okay…I’m going to ignore that. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“If he feels lighter when he sees her, the way she does now.”

Oh gosh, this is…this is really hitting all of my romcom weak points.

Yeah, mine too.

*Cries comically* --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Don’t you of all people think I should keep this? Treasure it forever?”

“No, not if it’s making you miserable.”

Yeaaaaah! Baby! That’s what I’ve been waiting for! That’s what it’s all about! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Uh…woof, I guess? Nice job Marigold, nice job. Real slick. Best girl FTW. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’d never get sick of you.”

Would you guys kiss already! You are making me lose my mind! AGHLASHLASH HAASBDJGJASGD SGAKJDGASKDGAS

Use your words, not your spit. But yeah, the romantic tension is so thick it’d take a chainsaw to cut through it.

HAVE SEGGS!

You have issues. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t want you to forget about me,” she tells him.

That was beautiful, yep that got me in the gut. What the — why is it wet here?!

I held it back too much.

What?

My tears, I held back far too much! AHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH!

Oh god! Get yourself together!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We never officially broke up.”

YOU SUNOVA — *pulls out comically large gun*

Calm down. And how were you even going to use that? Were you planning to shoot a book?!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

And you turned into Anakin Skywalker, fun.

We were so close! The pain! The pain! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“They didn’t go back to the place after that.”

Hm…I’m surprised you haven’t blown the place to kingdom come yet.

My rage is incomparable. I have reached the point wherein I have become a fire that will burn forevermore.

I liked it better when you didn’t have words to use to describe how angry you were.

Me too. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I love you.”

AGHHHHHHHHH! I’M BACK BABY, I’M BACK!

Well, that was a nice one minute of silence.

WHOOOOOOOOOO! YEEAAAAAAAH! MACRO-HEART ATTACK, WHHHHEEEEEEEEE! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“There’s only one place she could be, right now, if she is real.”

What does…what does that mean?

I don’t know.

I don’t like how it’s making me feel man.

Yeah, me either. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That— That’s it? I’m…what happened? Was it real? Was it not real?

I— I don’t know, I’m drawing a blank.

But…you can’t be! You’re the smart one, I’m the emotional one! If you don’t know, then what was the point?

I—I think I’m losing my grasp on my identity.

What was it all for?! I got attached only for it to be…Why?! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that was the story of how a book hurt me.

That’s all folks?

I’m in a weird chapter of my life, let me have this.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXXI

Catching Up

Hey, been a while…

So, decided to post here again since this week was my birthday week thought that it’d be appropriate? I guess? Look I just wanted to write okay, that’s my real birthday gift to myself. Anyways, life has been…wouldn’t say rough but in a few months’ time it’ll be really bad.

Just got through what may be bad health news which in all honesty is nothing too dangerous but it just explains like a ton of the stuff that I’ve been going through. It could’ve been worse, it could’ve been better, such is life.

Been trying to review for an important exam, it’s just not going well to say the least. Though I have been doing some things that generally keep the darkness at bay. I’ve turned to writing fanfiction, I know it’s cringe, but it helps…sometimes. What can I say? The only software I know how to use is Microsoft Word.

I’m not proud of that statement.

Truth be told, I’m actually thankful that I posted my…uh…works online at this point in my life. Because I saw some of my original works that I made back when I was a child (in a physical notebook, so no chance of me ever putting that in public, thank goodness), and my face ended up crunching up so badly I looked like a crumpled piece of paper for an entire week. I mean that’s not to say that I’m a good writer now it’s more like I got used to being a hack writer that I can somewhat emulate a good writer now, if that makes any sense.

Wow, that was bad sentence structure and I will rescind my previous statement.

Another thing I’ve been doing is doodling and sketching. I’ve…always liked to draw. I’m not good at it, I’m still trying to get perspective and anatomy right. I’ve been using reference images and translating them into simple shapes, AKA the good type of tracing or so I’ve been told. So far, I’ve finally gotten face and torso proportions right, but I suck with arms, legs, and don’t get me started on hands and feet. The worse part is the fact that my skills are inconsistent! Like sometimes I get facial details right, then sometimes they end up turning into Picasso (insert uncultured swine joke here [1]).

In short, nothing much has changed in my life. The future’s still bleak, and I’m still struggling with trying to do what I want and having to find a foundation for myself. It feels as though I’m running wild with no direction. And all I can do is trust that in someway things will work themselves out. 

Nonetheless, the way I feel right now, even if all I’m doing is small and insignificant…I think these things will keep me going through the night. Reference:

[1]: Toy Story. (1999)

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXX

Graduation.

I did it, it’s done.

            I graduated from the place that has caused me a ton of trouble. And at the end of it, I find that nothing’s changed, as expected. My experiences from that place just can’t be summed up into a single large ending event. After everything that I went through, what did I have to show for it? A diploma holder. Honestly, makes me wish that I skipped the ceremony altogether. Still though, I got to say goodbye, and look like an idiot one last time when I got on stage. We were all advised prior to the event to wear masks, which was fine by me because I think I’ve forgotten how to smile right, which was bad because everyone decided to break that rule the minute the event got started. Why do they even send emails telling students to wear a specific mask type alongside a color type? What a pain.

I decided not to send my dedication to them in the end.

            Dedication, was what they called it right? It’s a bit of a silly term, my fellow graduates gave the dedications alongside their graduation photos, didn’t trade any though. Mostly because I just gave them all to my parents, and the fact that it was highly likely I was going to drop a ton of pictures if I traded them. Do you know how hard it is to grab ahold of photo paper on the soil? It’s easy sure, but I ain’t risking a papercut if I can. Anyhow, I decided not to send them anything at all since it was unnecessary. I was never going to meet these people ever again, if I had a choice, and I do.

If I were being true to myself,

            University took a lot out of me, and at the end, I can’t say that it was worth it. It left me with more questions than answers, and the answers that I did have were put into question, if that makes sense? There are…expectations placed on me after this, and I’m not quite sure if I can make it. I’m not the person that I wanted to be, and I can’t be what they wanted me to be either. It’s one of the lessons that I’ve learned in my time here.

There are people helping me,

            Though they’re mostly business minded, not that I mind personally, I’m going to need money that’s just a fact of life. I dislike that most of their plans sound like get-rich quick schemes, and that it involves TikTok which I’m a bit paranoid about. There’s a reason why a lot of places are beginning to ban it, besides the effects that it has on people’s attention spans. Not really going to delve into it, lest my social credit score goes down the drain. I can’t rush myself, but I also have to pace myself. I don’t really have a destination anymore, I lost sight of that a long time ago.

My whole time in university just felt like I was walking through a storm.

            A storm that I couldn’t see out of, and I was stuck in the very eye of it. There was no need to think, I could only keep moving forward. It got easier over time, but was it worth it? Thinking hurts me, I get scared very easily. But I shouldn’t have put it off, and now the rain has stopped. I’m left with puzzle that has no pieces, a road without a destination, but maybe that was what I needed. I don’t know, but I know that it’s all on me now.

It’s all on me.

And this time, I’m going to do it my own way.

So, I’ll do what I can to see this through.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXIX

Onwards

And I did it,

            I finished the last semester, and now I’m graduating. Truth be told, it was a lot harder and a lot easier than I expected, if that makes any sense? It feels surreal, honestly, I’d be happy if it just ended here. I really don’t feel like going to a graduation ceremony, it’s like I’m just moving from the 5th grade to the 6th grade [1]. Earlier this week I had to go to an exit conference/job hunting seminar, it was alright, nothing I didn’t already know. Though sitting with people with legitimate aspirations just made me feel out of place, as always.

I’ve decided to forgo my initial plans,

            I will not send the message that I intended to send to my contemporaries after graduation. I will simply leave, there’s no point in explaining or leaving something behind for them. At the end of the day, I’m just not that special nor did I play a pivotal role in their lives, which is fine truly. I did make friends there but I knew I never belonged. Being with them hurts me, and I’m afraid that if I stick around too much, then I’d end up hurting them. When I’m around them, I feel like I’m just not enough, and that’s honestly a ‘me’ issue rather than anything that they’ve done. Regardless, they also taught me that I have to find another way, my own way. So, I’m leaving it all behind.

What comes next?

            I’ve had a few plans in the works, my parents are still encouraging me to pursue further study, but I’m just tired of the grind and I really can’t force myself anymore. Plan B is me scrambling to find a ‘stay-at-home’ job that at least pays minimum wage. My experience is lacking due to the whole…past 3 years. I’d work on relearning some Japanese, then my non-existent cooking skills, and do the one thing that I’ve always wanted to do.

The one thing?

            As it stands, I’m not sure if this one thing will work out. I’m really not quite good at it yet, but I want to do it. I’ve experimented with it a few times, never had quite the time to delve into it as I was busy dealing with life, I guess.

So, yeah, I’m taking a gap year.

            Though with how I paced it, it’ll be a gap half-year. 6th months to do it all…

If you had six months to figure things out,

            How would you do it? Reference

[1] The Incredibles. (2004).

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXVIII

Music

Today was an absolutely horrid.

            I just reaped what I sowed today. I knew it was coming but that didn’t make it any less painful. At this point, I’m just hoping that I get through it all because I’m sick of it. It’s days like these that the right song always picks me up.

I’ve always believed that if the eyes were the window to the soul,

            Then music is its voice. I love music, it’s probably one of the greatest creations that mankind has ever created. Personally, I’m partial to songs with lyrics, though I greatly respect those that utilize instruments and take the classical approach. Songs with lyrics just have this blend of poetry and rhythm that I absolutely adore.

Sadly,

            Music remains to be a world that I cannot enter, my voice isn’t meant to reach the heavens. Nonetheless, it is music that continues to touch my soul. On days like these I listen to my favorite song, “Yoru ni Kakeru” by YOASOBI. It’s one of the most famous Japanese songs that I know.

Yoru ni Kakeru [1]

            Tells a story, a story that I deeply relate to. A boy is enamored by death itself, and as the days go on, it wears down his resolve, and he too races into the night. It’s a haunting tale, but accompanied with such a sweet tune, it becomes bittersweet. There are days wherein I simply want to be comforted, to know that it’ll be alright in the end, but I know that the only thing that’s promised is an ‘end.’

This song makes me…

            Ponder upon death and the peace it might bring, alongside life and the struggle. It’s something I think about when I’m alone with my thoughts, which is pretty much a majority of the time. It’s this song that helped me figure out that I…felt like I wasn’t living my life the way that I was supposed to, you know? If the only comfort I had in life was death, then what was the point?

What was the point?

            I struggled, I ached, I…did so much and all for what? I’m burning myself up.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning. in the suffering, " as Nietzsche once said.

What song will my soul sing to give this life meaning?

            I still don’t know. I want to, far beyond any mystery that this world has to offer, I still want to know what lies deep down. Until it all ends, I’ll continue trying to find the answers that I’m looking for, this is the kind of pain that I’m willing to live through. And if failure is all that awaits me, then it will be fine, because I know that I got close. And I hope that, that will be enough.

Reference:

[1] YOASOBI. Racing Into the Night (Yoru ni Kakeru). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8VYWazR5mE

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXVII

Colors

Twenty-seven huh?

            Not that it’s my favorite number, but it’s something important to me. Speaking of favorite things, did you know that my favorite color is red? I know a bit basic, right? Though personally I consider it ‘classic’ more than anything else. There’s a reason why it’s often termed as a color of passion, of strength, of heroes. It’s a color much like a flame, feels alive. In the light spectrum, the color with the longest wavelength is red, it has the longest reach and it’s the most familiar color to me. It reminds me of hope, it reminds me of the countless sunsets [1] that I’ve borne witness to.

My second favorite is…

            Gray, I know a bit monotonous, an odd shift from the fiery red. Gray used to be my favorite color before I stepped out of my awkward youth phase. I’ve always thought that it was this awesome middle ground of black and white, being both, while being neither at the same time. In hindsight, the color gray may also mean indecisiveness, unable to commit to a singular path which encapsulates a ton of my early adulthood. I still can’t commit to anything, but sometimes, I think of the red that burns in my soul. It doesn’t give me a direction, but it does give me fuel to go through the gray spots of my life.

Red and gray

            Such odd color choices, but the two the suites me the best. A flame with no choice other than to burn with passion.

If I have a favorite,

            It should be fair to assume that I have a color that I utterly despise with all my being. Sure, there are ones that kind of hurt my eyes to look at, but there’s a color that personally offends me with its existence. It’s the color ‘maroon,’a color that drains the passion of red as though killing its very essence. I understand its place in the color wheel, and I wouldn’t really wish that it didn’t exist but I’ve had bad experiences with the color too.

Maroon

            The color that adorns the place where I situate myself almost every single day. A place wherein I feel like I’m dying every single step of the way, drowning the flame within the veil. I hypothesize that the color maroon was chosen for this place because red was too offensive, too strong, and some part of me understands that. Red, after all, is also the color of rebellion, of combat, of pain. And honestly, it’s probably for the best that it was made maroon rather than red, because I’d probably end up being traumatized by my own favorite color.

Still though,

            Regardless of how much I rationalize my hatred for the color maroon, I don’t think I could ever stop hating the color, since it’s effectively ingrained in my life now. Maroon, now embodies a shame that I would rather burn away, and bury within the gray of its ashes, so that the red may have a chance to wake once more.

This entry’s probably a bit much,

            Though I guess I’m just really enthusiastic about color.

References:

[1] ENTRY VI: “A view”.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXVI

Lucky, like lots of luck.

ALSO, SPIDER-VERSE IMPRESSIONS

Guess who got to watch Across the Spider-Verse today? [SPOILERS BELOW]

            Yup, this guy! *Insert Bully Maguire dance and theme here*

Alright let’s do this for the first time, yeah?

            My name is Somi and I think I almost got bit by a spider the other day [1], but I took it as a sign, that I was meant to watch “Across the Spider-Verse” on opening day. However, the forces of nature itself was against me, the rain was harsh, the wind would’ve blown a lesser man apart. I got lucky like stupid lucky, like honestly, it was kind of bullshit how I weaved through and avoided the strong rain and winds.

I had an internal conflict regarding this,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you crazy? We can’t go out there!

We promised ourselves that we’d get through this week to watch Spider-Verse, come hell or high water!

I’m pretty sure some parts of the city are flooding.

I missed the part where that’s my problem.

Shit, references, my only weakness.

Come on, don’t be a baby, you know how the wind works in this place. You can figure out when to get on a bus and get out at the right time without even getting wet.

You’re overestimating my power.

Am I?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can’t believe…how did I even…My socks didn't even get wet.

Told ya!

Bullshit!

Completely. Now pick out the good seats.

I got completely lucky! Will something bad happen to me now?

Why does something bad always have to happen after something good happens?

I don’t know!?

Eh, it’ll come, but right now my eyeballs are about to-

Disgusting. But yeah, my eyeballs want to turn every frame of this movie into a poster.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buying tickets took a lot of my budget,

            It was worth it though. I readied myself for the greatest Spider-Man film of all time.

It was good.

            Really solid, spectacular work even, but the movie just has so much to the point where I was questioning if it was a bit too much. Don’t get me wrong, it builds upon the leftover mysteries established by the first movie, but it isn’t as well-paced as the first movie. I understand though, it has to establish a ton of concepts which may leave non-comic book fans in the dust, it gets meta with its main conflict.

The movie had twists and turns,

            That were kind of obvious to me and it felt like the characters were just taking too long to catch up to it. The movie has to juggle between two main perspectives, Miles and Gwen, so it gets messy near the end like the movie just rushes to the ending.

Besides that,

            It was gooood. This is essentially what “Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness” should’ve been. You know the donut in “Everything Everywhere All at Once?” Now imagine if that thing became a sentient entity out to destroy the life of a single individual, that’s the main villain of the movie. It’s just a shame that he gets cut off from the middle part of the movie, like where’d he go? I wanted to see what he could do now, but I guess they’re saving it for “Beyond the Spider-Verse,” so I guess I can let that slide.

The Spider Civil War

            It was more of Miles vs Miguel, while the other Spider people were kind of out of character, like I know some of those Spider people wouldn’t have just stood around and do nothing. At least two of my favorite Spider-Men were there, if you want to know who they are, one of them rhymes with Play and Station (I suck at rhyming), while the other one is something that I’ve already hinted to. There are a ton of cameos in this part, and honestly, I pity the guy that’s going to analyze this at 0.25x speed [2].

Alright, spoiler time, do not touch, do not read past this point. Unless you've watched the movie.

            Holy shit, that ending. Miles vs Miles, clearly inspired from the Spider-Men 2 comic book, but way better! I love how messed up Earth 42 is, and I can’t wait to see what happens to Miles, his family, and for the other Spider people to come together. There are rumors of a female led Spider-Verse movie, so I think that may be what happens to Gwen’s team or something. I’m betting that Gwen recruits some of the wackier members of the Web of Life and Destiny, like Supaidaman.

A thing that I really didn’t like from the film,

Was how they recapped the events of the first film, like the first film’s important to this one, but it’s like they recapped it around 2-3 times, since the film did kind of open twice with Gwen and Miles’ perspectives. Once the ball gets rolling, oh it gets rolling. It did kind of annoy me how Peter B. Parker was constantly just flexing his baby around, but I guess he was just kind of happy, unlike some other Spider-Men that just won’t grow up thanks to Zeb- I mean, well-meaning writers [3].

I really like Miles’ role in the story,

            He’s much more confident and active, choosing to do what’s right, even when the odds, facts, and destiny itself were stacked against him. Because that’s who Spider-Man is, who he should be. There’s a fantastic sequence in the movie that comes close to the “What’s Up Danger?” scene in the first one, expect this scene is haunting, utterly frightening with Miles being surrounded by the warnings that were given to him in the first movie and in this one. Good shit.

Alright spoiler moment done,

            After the movie, the rain and wind somehow got worse, like it was completely bad. So, I decided to get take out, and a girl was giving out coupons because hers were about to become expired. I took one and got a massive discount.

My take out took a really long time though,

            Not like I minded the rain and wind were still too strong.

Somehow, and someway…

            Once I got my food, the rain and wind stopped. My mind froze with how much bullshit luck I’ve been having. Like, I get lucky, but never this lucky, it’s honestly horrifying. I did not want to die, I still need to see how Miles’ story ends!

So uh,

            Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Go watch the movie.

Addendum:

I've added an image of what I was wearing when watching Spider-Verse, may my lucky uniform rub off on you too.

Somehow, because of the bad weather, all of my remaining requirements for this semester got 10x lighter.

WHAT THE F-[4]

[2] The Canadian Lad. https://www.youtube.com/@TheCanadianLad (Good luck dude!)

References:

[1] ENTRY XXV. Just another day.

[3] Zeb Wells’ Current Comic Run for Spider-Man (Cursed, do not read, don’t even hate-read)

[4] Spider-Man Homecoming, and Spider-Man Far From Home endings

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXV

Just another day

Yesterday was the worst.

            From the moment I woke up to the time I went back to sleep. You may think I’m exaggerating, but you try waking up at 3AM with a spider the size of your palm crawling up your arm. It sounds like a Youtube thumbnail, but it was real, and I wanted to die. Not only that, but I somehow left an improperly closed bottle of juice near my bed, and it tumbled over because I was panicking, and it spilled on my bed and pajamas. All in all, I was a mess, both inside and outside.

I…disposed of the spider.

            There was a moment of relief, then a sudden splash of guilt. And now I won’t be able to watch “Across the Spider-Verse” without thinking about the spider that I hurt.  I love Spider-Man, but I have an irrational fear of spiders, it’s the way that the look and move, it gives me the feeling that I’m looking at something that shouldn’t exist. Which is the way that I look at myself every morning. And now, I feel an entire wave of guilt.

Did it get worse from there?

            Eh, just spent an entire day being traumatized and procrastinating. Then in the afternoon I had a really difficult exam. And the thunderstorm going on the outside was distracting me. Truth be told, I love a light drizzle of rain, but where I’m at, it doesn’t drizzle. It pours. Just the thought of getting wet socks drives me insane. So, I was completely distracted during the exam because the rain was just going wild. Then, once I was nearly done flunking my exam, the rain stopped.

The rain was a complete and total bitch that day.

I went out for ramen afterwards.

            For some strange reason, the day ended with another spill. Once I got my Coke Zero, I was considering drinking it straight from the can, but I decided to use the straw because I didn’t want my server’s efforts to be wasted after they brought me a straw. I stuck the straw in, and then the drink began to fizzle out of the can. I made a mess, don’t worry though I managed to get a hold of a ton of tissues and cleaned the table. But my shirt was a mess, oh well, my lucky hoodie wasn’t. Though given the day that I was having, I don’t think I can call it lucky anymore.

In hindsight,

            Yesterday could’ve been worse, but as it stands it still pretty much sucked.

This day can be summed up by my answer to the bonus question to our exam: What life lesson did you learn from the university that you will never forget?

My answer? Well, it went along the lines of,

Sometimes, failure isn’t a lesson. More often than not, you just failed. And it hurts, but you get used to it. If doing the same thing over and over again doesn’t work out, you eventually find that you just haven’t run in every single direction. If you keep going, you just learn how to get over it and do something else.

It may not make the difference, but maybe you'll find yourself somewhere that isn't where you began.

It wasn't really all that extravagant,

            But it really was the most important lesson that I learned in my time there. It…hurt learning it. However, I now realize that I had to learn it. And besides, I prefer typing over writing anyways, so that’s why it was so short.

‘Nuff said.  

[somian-audere]

25 posts! I honestly didn't expect to get this far, which is basically my reaction to every situation that I find myself in lately.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXIV

Frustrations

It’s easy to backtrack,

            Far too easy, this week hasn’t been the greatest for me, I’ve gotten lucky believe me, but I feel like that luck’s about to run out. This is it, the last push, so to speak. Honestly, between you and me, I feel like that’s a loaded statement. Last push, how many times have I told myself that? How many times have been told by others that? You’d figure that a last push would actually end one of these days. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying as hard as I should be, I mean, sure I conquer tomorrow…maybe? But what happens next? Another test, another quiz, another problem, another push.

It’s all so…

            Frustrating. Knowing that there’s something else, there’s someone else that’s better, there’s another thing that comes up, and I get distracted because…I’m tired of doing the same things over and over again. Is this just the way that life goes? Day in, day out, another grind? All for what? What was I doing all of it for? I tried finding something that makes my life worthwhile, a hedonistic approach isn’t enough, utilitarian approach far too presumptuous and loaded, having a dream means nothing to me anymore. Perhaps, the truth is, is that I wasn’t tired. I’m just done but I have to keep going, I have to keep fighting the same fight, and losing.

I want to give up.

            But what happens then? Everything that I’ve done to get to this point, was it all a waste? Did I just waste my time, my efforts, my everything, just so that I could learn that I wasn’t enough? I’m becoming more and more apathetic as the days pass, I know that I won’t let it end here, but how do I begin all over again?

I’ve learned that there’s no point in worrying,

            In my head, these things are still legitimate concerns that I’ve put off for some time, out of fear, out of shame, some other third thing? It’s the very source of everything that I’ve done wrong, it feels as though my soul is on fire, and it’s falling apart again and again [1]. I know that I can still change, but I’ve gotten so used to the fact that I’m just being dragged along by the waves. I have responsibility to see this through until the very end, it’s this stubborn fact that won’t let me change. I’m still not ready, to do something else, this path has caused me to suffer, but if I choose something else then it will truly be all on me. Do I trust myself that much? To not mess it up, to not fail, to make a life that’s worth living.

It’s hard to think,

            About the past, the present, and the future. All three things seem scary to me now, to the point that it’s utterly debilitating. I spend days wherein I do absolutely nothing, and yet somehow that feels more important to me. I no longer hate myself, because these things matter so much to me now. I’m too stupid…or perhaps, the accurate term is that I’m not as smart as my contemporaries. I’m okay with that now, but the world isn’t. I’m constantly rushing for something that my mind no longer sees as valuable or important, I'm being pushed into a direction of greatness that no longer reflects the beliefs, and the person that I am now, after everything that I've gone through went through. This way of living is something that I have come to stand against.

But the question remains,

            Do I finish this? Or do I start all over again?

A last push,

A new beginning

A decision that has yet to be made.

Both paths lead to the same end,

Though, it is all about the journey, and not the destination.

Nonetheless, this is going to hurt.

Reference:

[1] Crusher(2017). 【VOCALOID Original】Again【Gumi English】. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdQWia3fwMU

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXIII

Lies

I’ve always thought and written about things that are wrong with me.

         So, let’s write about something that I do right. And that’s…making up lies, and ironically enough, that statement isn’t a lie. I’ve gotten away with things that I probably shouldn’t have, and have kept on going ever since. Do you want examples? Nah, I tend to lie about personal stuff, so you’re just going to have to trust me.

Let’s start off simple, what is a lie?

         Lies are weapons that we make in times of distress, don’t believe me? Haven’t you heard of the fact that “pens are mightier than the sword”? Though a ‘pen’ is used to represent ‘words,’ and the most harmful of words are ‘lies.’ They either hurt you, other people, or simply everyone that you know, that is if you’re not smart enough to use it.

The first rule of using a weapon is

         To know how you don’t hurt yourself with it. It’s easy to feel numb when telling as many lies as you can, but a weapon seldom used, is probably a weapon that’s well kept. Lies can build up and eventually, you’ll find that even though no one knows the truth, no one ever knows if they can trust you either. Even if you say that you don’t care, consequences have a funny way of catching up. That’s precisely why you should know the value of a lie, because if you understand its weight, then you understand the outcome.

Think ahead,

         I’ve stated numerous times before that I dislike thinking ahead, however I do like being challenged. A good lie is something that is stupidly simple that it can be mistaken for the truth, as Sherlock once said, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth,” then the only solution is to present the most possible outcome.

Lies are often closest to the truth,

         Take me for instance, I’m a well-known flaker, and probably the laziest person alive, this has given people relatively low expectations of me in certain areas. What areas exactly? I don’t know, I’m too lazy to tell you. And that’s how you do it, what exactly did I do? I made a lie of omission.

Lies of omission,

         The easiest lie to tell, because honestly there isn’t much to tell, get it? Tough crowd. Really, the only enemy you’ll have is yourself, knowing the truth is a burden. So, for those keeping a lie in this area, then my only tip for you is to either keep quiet and let the guilt calm for a bit. Just get used to it rising up again, that’s what she said. Another piece of advice would be to get a trusted friend, notebook, or in my case, memoir to let it all out, though that risks you outing yourself, which is a dumb move.

White lies

         Another one that’s easy, though it’s probably my most hated one, more often than not it’s those that feel morally superior that keep these ones. And I hate it for that reason alone, I dislike doing the wrong thing as this only works on the presumption that you know what’s best for people. A lie is not a shield, to me, it’s a knife, a blade used in combat as a last resort. I enjoy telling lies that make me think on my feet, ones that don’t make me feel like a hypocrite. But I’ve made several white lies in my life, the most disasterous lie in my life is a white lie, afterall. I have no right to judge those that have made these as well. Just know this, though your intentions may mean well, the ends don’t always justify the means.

Bold-faced lies,

         Now these ones are probably the trickiest to pull off, and have generally the most risk. You’d think these ones would be my favorite right? Nope, I don’t have the guts or the intelligence to pull these ones off. A bold-face lie circumvents the need for the ‘truth’ by outright replacing it with a lie. It’s essentially a flimsy tool, there’s no elegance in its performance, forget using a weapon as a last resort, at this point you’re just showing your hand. Still, I must admit when you pull this one off well, it can be pretty funny, I suggest those in stand-up to practice this.

Half-truths

         Now these…these are wonderful. And I’ve hinted at it with the Sherlock quote, you simply must provide the logical reason for an outcome, and the most logical reason is more often than not the truth. The truth, as opposed to a lie, is a simple steel beam, it’s sturdy and strong but it can be bent. You can brute force it, but that ends in the truth breaking, you must be smart about it. Pinpoint areas of the truth that can be exploited. If you’re smart enough, you can even prepare a counter for potential arguments to what you present as the truth. Character, evidence, and witness all play a vital point here. Witnesses can be a hindrance, as you can’t necessarily know their perspective, but here’s a fun fact, people aren’t perfect, there are always holes in their own viewpoint, so pay attention, be kind, and ask the right questions to clear yourself. Evidence? Even the presence of physical evidence can be used to your advantage, as evidence is simply a symbol, and you must present what it means, what it symbolizes. Create an image from the symbols, and everyone sees what you present. Although again, just follow the old Sherlock quote when presenting your case, though you can also create imperfections in your own design, it makes you more human. Character is easy enough to pull off, when not a single person knows who you really are, at the end of a case, you are a piece of evidence yourself. Play around with it, just be yourself and know who you are in the face of others and those closest to you.

There’s art in telling a lie.

         A lie is meant to prevent others from knowing the truth, it isn’t about what’s right or wrong, it’s just doing it out of such human emotions, shame, fear, and more. I suppose that’s why I enjoy telling smaller lies, it gives me a bit of a thrill to outsmart, outmaneuver, and outthink other people. I dislike hurting people, though as the adage goes, “The truth hurts,” and telling lies can only make people hurt more. So ultimately, my last piece of advice is try not to do anything worth lying about. The larger the truth, the greater the lie, the harder the fall.  

There are many things that I regret lying about.

         And these are the things that I’ve kept hidden from view for years now. My greatest shame, my greatest fears. One day these will fall like a stack of cards, and I still don’t know what I’ll do. Will I continue to lie about it? Or will I finally let the truth go? Alongside everything I’ve ever done to get to this point. I don’t know. And at the end of it all, I can only just stay quiet.

Oh,

         Did you notice? Not once did I ever give a practical example of these lies, I’m not stupid enough to incriminate myself, not yet that is. 

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXII

Step forward

I did it, bois! I did it!

            I had a one-on-one hang out with a cute girl today, and it wasn’t completely awkward, sure there were awkward silences, but that’s mostly because my conversational stat is low. Learned a lot too, fun fact, the term “ambivert” may be complete nonsense. I’ll be honest though, getting to this point was a journey of pain.

It all started when I woke up.

            My throat was soaring, flyin’, there’s not a star that- Ahem, in short, my throat was in absolute pain. I blame it on the weather, as yesterday I unfortunately faced a storm, not a metaphorical one but a sudden storm that resulted in wet socks and wet everything, that’s what she said. Anyways, I fought on, but then another thing happened, LBM.

The solution was medicinal drugs,

            Thank you, science! After getting through the arduous process of recovery, I had to go to class luckily, I told my groupmates that my throat was not going to make it through the day, so they subbed for my part in the presentation. Grades truly are a great motivator. Nonetheless, I made it and it was fun to talk with someone else outside of my friend group. I definitely have to do more out of character stuff.

We just talked about our day,

            And it was interesting to hear about someone else’s experience in the university, and while you’ve seen my own perspective of it, hers was optimistic, reminding me of why deep down I admire all the students that work hard in it. Regardless of all the individual fruits of their efforts, I can see that they’re all striving for a future that has yet to come. I’m jealous, had I been more open in my youth, could I have been more like them? Probably, probably not, all I know is that I can only be myself, and that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out all along. Exploring various aspects of myself, I mean, I didn’t even know I could hold a conversation for that long. Granted I ran out of stamina at the end, the salad I was eating was my fuel.

I’m glad that I challenged myself,

            Sure, it may not result to much in the long run, but that doesn’t matter, nothing really results much in the end. What matters is that, I tried something new, something else. And that may be able to change something. I am relatively concerned though, that underneath their exterior strength, there remains pain. Is pain the catalyst for growth and development? Perhaps, but right now, I’m regaining faith in surpassing my own pain. Realizing that you may not be alone, though sad, can make you feel like you can get through it.

But Somi, what was she like?

            She was pretty kind, yeah, I’m not really sure why she wanted to meet up with me, but hey I made a new friend! That was cool, and she liked Hamilton, which was pretty neat. Her favorites were the Aaron Burr songs, and as we all know, every Hamilton fan stans Aaron Burr because his performance was just peak. We also conversed about Wes Anderson, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and Isle of Dogs rocks btw. We discussed the difference between geeks and nerds, geeks are (based on what I know) are just really into their own interests like a hobby while nerds are really good with science. We talked about other stuff that I won’t share here due to privacy reasons, but it was neat. I found that even though I was probably the dumbest person in the university, the challenges that we face aren’t all that different. Everyone is doing what they can, and even though I may not be sure about what I’m doing I’ll just do the same.

____________________________________________________________

I told you that you could do it.

I know, it seems as though your stupidity does have some merit to it.

Please, being smart never ends well for us, we’re just idiots that are trying our best.

I suppose that’s the way it should’ve always been from the beginning.

This simply proves that you can talk to people even though your experiences are different. If you keep this up, you won’t even have to talk to me anymore.

Are you kidding?

--?

Didn’t you say that you’ll always be by my side? Until the bitter end.

Why are you so sure it’ll be bitter?

A sweet ending just isn’t for us, it’s too boring, life is more than just me standing still, I was so lost in trying to follow a single path that I never realized that I could run in every single direction. And eventually, I’ll find where I’m supposed to be. One step at a time.

Heh, I really am a bad influence.

You really are.

To be fair I had “This fucked-up wonderful world exists for me [1]” stuck in my head so I was running on full adrenaline.

Running on impulse is just our style.

Hell yeah.

Better not forget to send her the link to my Tumblr though.

Aw, shoot. Welp, goodbye any form of respect that other people may have for me.

____________________________________________________________

Just don't share this too much,

This thing shouldn't find itself back to me. It's still a bit of a personal secret.

References:

[1] Eve. (2015). This fucked-up wonderful world exists for me (Eve cover). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVg8orAhz4g

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XXI

Panic

So, you know that girl that I had a crush on? [1]

            I asked her out, she said, yes. Fumck, I did not think I’d get this far.

______________________________________________________________

If you were even thinking at all.

Come on, live a little, it’s just a talk over coffee, well for her coffee, and me hot chocolate.

You can not be this naive.

What are you so worried about?

You’re wasting her time and mine, we can’t maintain a long-term relationship right now, you know that right?

Of course, I do, yet we still did it anyways.

I never should’ve let you and them talk me into this.

Oh please, the reason why you did this is because you have no idea what’ll happen. Deep down you want to know, you want to know how far you've come, and you want to change even if it opens the both of you up to pain.

And that’s probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done.

Selfishness in of itself isn’t a crime, you promised that you’d be true to yourself, and that includes you being true to what you want.

And what happens if I hurt her? Will you take responsibility?

As if that’s a question that should be asked, we will, naturally. But we won’t hurt her.

What makes you so sure?

Because I believe in you, and regardless of how you may think, your best friends trust that you won’t either.

That can't be the answer to everything!

Why not? You got this far just by believing.

And by being absurdly lucky.

Yeah, and I'll believe in that too.

Why does this have to be so difficult?

It’s your first time, it’s going to be hard (that’s what she said) but I feel like we need to do this too.

Why?

You’ve been whining on and on about a ‘love that never happened,’ how about we get some new material? A story where you tried for once.

This is going to blow up in our face.

Well, that does tend to happen when you start a fire near fireworks. But hey, it’ll be one hell of a show.

______________________________________________________________

I’m probably overthinking again,

            Scratch that, I’m definitely overthinking again. But I’m going to do it anyways, I’ll either make a new friend, enemy, or some other third thing. I’ll do my best, even if it hurts, even if it’s a bit cringe. Because, sometimes, all it takes is one more step. And if I make a mistake, then I can pick myself up, I can do this.

I hope.

Reference:

[1] ENTRY XVI. Over again.

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XX

Clearer

When you stand in the eye of the storm,

            All you can ever really see is the mess that it’s made. This entire week has been pretty hectic, but somehow, it got easier at some point. Eventually, somehow, you figure out how to look above all the problems, in the eye of the storm, you often forget to look up at the horizon. It’s honestly pretty shocking, and I feel like I got the easy way out from all of it, though it isn’t over quite yet, I’d still want to believe that I’d get through this.

Admittedly, I keep getting myself saved by the smartest people I know,

            It was fun, and a ton of work though, when I thought that I had to do something by myself. My brain was racked with a ton of questions and not a lot of answers, but when I had a line…I pulled on a thread, and it’s that thought process that makes discovery fun. I’ll probably fail, but I don’t mind anymore, sometimes failure can be a teacher, or something that you can get over in its entirety. Sure, my brain on occasion, likes to remind me of the greatest moments of failure that I’ve gone through, but even so, I’ve gotten used to those too.

I feel like I’m moving on.

            It took me a good four years, but the gears are starting to turn, sure I haven’t really done anything grand to warrant this feeling, granted it isn’t really the biggest things in my life that I remember. A single grand event in my life tends to be a large fireball that hits my general direction, but the small moments wherein I reach a personal checkmark feels like a well-coordinated show of fireworks.

Build-up tends to be slow,

            But if done well, if you see it through regardless of how obvious the end may be, it tends to be worth it, even if it ends in a mess. Because, you might find that if you take it, step-by-step, little-by-little, you realize that the storm has already passed, and you’re not at the same spot that you were stuck in.

It isn’t easy,

            But it tends to give you clarity because once you realize that nothing matters, you find the most important things in your life. It tends to hurt, and it can get frustrating. However, this pain…it’s led me all the way here, didn’t it? I might be in the middle of nowhere, and I still don’t know where I’m going. My heart’s still beating. I’m still here, and all I know is that I can’t stick around. Right now, I only have impulse and trust. Is that enough? Probably not, but it’s something that’s me.

I’ve always wondered, what kind of person I’ll be tomorrow?

            Yet somehow, the only thing I’ve learned is just to be who I am today. The most horrid, terrible person that I’ve ever known. I’ve grown to accept that, to just be me, the one that isn’t enough, but the one that moves on nonetheless.

The storm persists

Yet the flames have begun to resist

Beating, swaying to the wind

Though it may be blind

It burns past the rain

And moves on from the pain

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XIX

Drive

It’s when everything’s calm,

            That I find myself panicking. Perhaps, it’s been programmed within my mind to be frightened whenever I don’t do anything. As much as I call myself the “laziest man in the world,” underneath my own indolence, is a person that’s afraid to fail, fall, and try again. A teacher of mine once said, “Your work is your face,” and when I face criticism for my own work, I find it difficult to separate myself from it. I’ve always thought that I was professional but I guess, I’m just a whiny child at the end of the day.

Though,

            I think that I can take criticism much more easily if I really cared about what I was doing. I have a hobby that I take absurd pride in, much more than my more professional work, and whenever people provide their opinion on it, I…I genuinely like it, regardless of how rude it may be. It’s because I think that I want to be better at it rather than making another paper or spreadsheet.

It’s all about drive,

            I’ve grown weary of my career path as…deep down, I know, I don’t care, and I don’t want to be better at it. I’m not priding myself on this fact, since I’m probably dragging other people down with me, but I’ve promised that I wouldn’t be anything else but true to myself from hereon in. It’s hard to find a compromise in this, it’d be easier if I was just alone. But life never promised to be easy, if it was I wouldn’t have written around 19 entries about my whole, ‘woe is me’, shtick.

Did you know?

            It takes 2-3 years before a person shifts careers, I’ve been on this track for almost 2 years (I’m not counting the COOOF years), and I’ve never had a moment wherein I thought to myself, “Wow, this is great, I’m going to get better at it,” mostly it’s just been me thinking, “Wow, who gives a shit?” That sounds a bit crass, but it’s really the way that I’ve felt all along. I tried to care, I really did, I mean sure if I looked back it was just me lazing about then rushing through it but there was a time at the start where I really bled for it, you know? It just wasn’t enough, and I’m not going to say that I wasn’t enough, because I see now, that it just wasn’t for me. Hurts that I wasted so much time though, ironically enough, I’ve wasted the most time I’ve ever had in not doing my work that I’ve actually had some fun in my life. It’s the little things, I suppose.

Speaking of the COOF virus,

            Yeah, uh…turns out my university got a bunch of students sick, and now we have an extended break for a week. Honestly, I went back home for rest and fun for a few days, and I wasn’t really expecting that but I’m having fun here though admittedly I miss going out. It’s just so hot here, like I just want to fight the sun to knock the lights out. I got like stupid lucky, I was going to have another presentation this week that got moved to next week, unfortunately, but I did manage to avoid a face to face presentation that got turned into a pre-recorded one so neat. One down, a bajillion more to go.

I wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow?

[somian-audere]

ENTRY XVIII

Clean Slate

I’ve written a private entry,

             For the people that have assisted me on getting through the path that I started. I find it funny how in the past, this path was the future I wanted, and now I simply want it to be a nightmare of yesterday. I had been so caught up in moving on from what I deemed as a side quest to a meaningless main quest.

Still though,

             I no longer resent myself, all it took was a few traumatizing events, but as I’ve said before, “What’s life without a bit of trauma?” You’d think that rushing through would be the last thing I’d do now, right? Well, I am taking a bit of my time to do something else, and through this, I just realized how much of my time I wasted worrying about something that shouldn’t matter to me now. I just want to get past this part now, sure I’m still scared about tomorrow, but that’s the thing, I don’t know what that tomorrow brings. What I do know is that if I keep going, then at the very least, this will be over.

That won’t be enough.

             Everything that I’ve gone through, the pain, the struggle, the sheer frustration, I can say it wasn’t worth it. I can only hope that I’ve grown as a person that can surpass these feelings, to become someone that’s able to make a new tomorrow, rather than one that serves as a victim to it.

The private entry

             Contains the truth that I’ve chosen to omit. It’s always been easy for me to say goodbye, I just don’t like leaving anything unsaid. It’s probably the most horrid, the most…human thing about me. I mostly likely just wrote it for myself, a sort of way to make it seem that I had actually left something behind. I’m cutting off the ties that simply remind me of the pain that I went through. Selfish? Yes. Detestable? Absolutely. Necessary? Not at all. It’s very likely that the private entry will be sent on our graduation day, the day when I leave this place, once and for all.

I no longer want to be a bothersome weight.

             These people are amazing, as I’ve known ever since the beginning, and they’ve grown so much. But I’ve stayed behind, debating, thinking, changing, and now, I know what I need to do. I’m going to leave it all behind, and make the slate clean.  

The consequences of such an action are rather disastrous.

             Well, let’s face it, thinking about the future just isn’t for me. There are just things that I gotta do and see through, no matter what.