soomine-writes

[soomine-writes]

Vent Piece

To the one I love and hold most dearly in my heart:

I love you. I love you. I love you. I say these words hoping, (praying?), knowing that they are etched inside your heart. I reach out to grab your hand to feel the warmth each beat radiates, each syllable echoing through our physical connection.

I.

Love.

You.

Repeat. Repeat.

I know that I am not worthy of your love, and I know we cannot be together, because you do not love me back (you do, you do, but not in the same way). However, I cannot choose who I love and how I love back. You bring me comfort and beauty and rapture to my own beautiful life. I cannot stop the first thought in the morning wondering how you woke up that day. I cannot stop looking at the gray, humid sky and hope you area appreciating the same vista. I cannot think of you and wonder what if I had been what you were looking for instead.

It hurts to be with you. It hurts to be away from you. It hurts it hurts. But I would rather keep you in my life and walk through the brambles and briar of a long unrequited than be struck apart and separated from my other half. I love you and I will always love you. Please be safe, and come home my dear heart. I will always be here when you need me.

[soomine-writes]

Having a manic episode I think. I can't get to sleep and all I want to do is WORK. I'm going to create something beautiful.

[soomine-writes]

Iceland Trip 2025: Day 3

On the third day of my trip, I explored the Southern coast of Iceland. The southern coast of Iceland is famous for its gorgeous countryside including a number of waterfalls, mountains, glaciers, and its famous black beaches. This tour was recommended to me by a friend who was born in Iceland, and I was excited to go!

This morning started a bit late, as I had stayed up a little too late the night before and I had to make a mad dash to the bus terminal to get to my bus. Luckily, I did not miss any of my trips, but there have been a few close calls. For this trip, we'll be stopping at the following locations:

Skógafoss

Reynisfjara

Sólheimajökull

Seljalandsfoss

Our trip started promptly at 9 AM, and it was a 1.5 hour trip to our first waterfall. The Skógafoss waterfall is a natural wonder and featured a beautiful waterfall. The weather for this trip was wonderful, and there were just a thousand rainbows at each location. We were here for about 45 minutes, and I noticed that to the side of this waterfall, there was a towering staircase that our tour guide mentioned had 150 steps.

150 steps - that was hardly anything. I climbed the Great Wall of China, I could handle that. Wrong. These steps were absolutely brutal, uneven, and possibly the most I worked in my entire life. I'm not much of a stair climber girlie, and let me tell you that this was a rough time. However, it was reassuring seeing that others (though much older than me) were also struggling. The entire time I began worrying that I would miss my bus, so I powered through, and let me tell you, I did it, and the view was worth it.

Though I worried the entire time that I was going to lose my glasses while falling down the stairs, it was such an energizing way to start the day. I felt like I had finally woken up from my late morning, and was ready to go to the next leg of the trip.

Due to Iceland's volcanic activity, the rocks that are broken down to form sand in Iceland are the basalt fragments that are remnants of a volcanic eruption. This leads to Iceland having black sand beaches that are dramatic and novel.

Like I mentioned earlier, the weather was gorgeous: clear skies and minimal wind. Our tour guide had mentioned that just the week before, the tide had completely covered the parking lot, making this spot inaccessible. There were plenty of gorgeous rock features, including a huge basalt cave that you can go into. While this place is a popular tourist destination, I can see people enjoying a day at the beach. Just thinking about it makes my heart desire my annual beach trip with my friends.

Our trip was divided up so that we would do two spots before lunch and two spots after lunch. Lunch was at an Icelandic version of a strip mall I suppose, but it was much nicer than the strip malls in America, and surprising not a Sbarro in sight! Why there are so many Sbarros in Iceland, I will never understand nor look up. It even had had a Kronan, which is a discount grocery store.

For lunch, I had a cheeseburger and a soda. Normal for a strip mall, expensive though. I would have taken the sbarro at this point - these prices are ridiculous. Before we left, I wanted to see the horses that were nearby. I have to remember that next time I come to Iceland, and I hope there is a next time, I take a tour riding these horses! My tour guide mentioned that Icelandic horses have a special gait that only Icelandic horses know, and that is absolutely fascinating.

The next destination for our trip was a real glacier! Glaciers used to be super prevalent in Iceland, but due to global warming, many of them have been decreasing and receding in size. It was an absolute privilege to still be able to see one still.

Tre trip to the glacier was a 1 kilometer hike, and while our "hike" ended at an observation platform, there were several groups that had the opportunity to actually hike the glacier. It was so fun seeing them with their crampons and hiking sticks and making their way to the glacier. Because they are hiking on ice, they were all tied together and walking like they were climbing Mt. Everest. It was a really fun sight.

The surrounding are was just absolutely gorgeous. There is actually a small lagoon surrounding the glacier that was not there years before. It is comprised completely of glacier water. Our guide explained that the glacier had actually receded from its original location to its current location, which is astounding to me. How does a giant chuck of ice just move like that in our lifetime? I guess it's not supposed to, but it was just amazing to see how much nature, beyond life, is given life.

The final leg of the trip was a famous waterfall that you can even walk behind. We weren't able to do so because of how strong the water was, but like the other waterfall, it was gorgeous. Another waterfall and it was a great way to end the day.

We got home at around 7:00 PM, and I was absolutely beat. I managed to walk around to the local Chinese restaurant and get the worst pad thai I ever had. I need to find a place with better food soon.

[soomine-writes]

Iceland Trip 2025 - Day 2

Like I mentioned before, Reykjavik is a fairly small city, and unlike other countries, I can really just make Reykjavik my home base as I take tours around the country. During my stay here, I am taking three bus tours through Reykjavik Excursions. The first of them is the Golden Circle and the Blue Lagoon. The Golden Circle is Iceland's most famous scenic route that takes you through some of the country's key landmarks. For this tour, we will be going to:

Þingvellir - a historical and geological treasure and World Heritage site, this location features a canyon that are slowly drifting apart.

The Strokkur geyser - a great geyser that erupts every 8-10 minutes

The Gullfoss waterfall - a gorgeous waterfall that a woman fought to preserve its beauty

I ultimately picked the hotel that I was staying at because it was a cheaper option, and it offered free breakfast. I am writing this on Day 4 of my trip, and I have yet to sit down and enjoy this free breakfast. However, I managed to get some croissants and bread before running down to the bus stop and heading on my first bus trip. Due to some errors on my part, I elected to just arrive at the central meeting location on my own dime. It ended up being cheaper, but takes a little more planning on my part. Thankfully, it is an easily bus trip to the BSI Bus terminal.

Riding this bus makes me sad not living in a place with an at least functional public transportation network. I love just being able to catch a bus and get where I need to be, and I feel healthier just moving from stop to stop.

The bus was very nice with good air conditioning and plenty of room. It wasn't full to the brim of people, most likely because I am taking this trip in the off tourist season. Our tour guide, Gunner, spoke amazing English, and it was nice having a tour and be told the deep history of Iceland.

Our first stop on this trip was Þingvellir, a World Heritage site featuring a huge fissure that is moving a few inches every few years.

This was a great first site because you really understand the beauty that everyone talks about in Iceland. The land is so massive, and everywhere you look, you see a strong mountain in the distance. While we didn't have all the time in the world to explore, I managed to walk a little bit down the fissure to see the two tectonic plates that are moving.

Even though Iceland is a newer country, the land is old. It's different than the mountains in the States. Maybe its because they've been weathered through the rough climate, but their smoother and jagged, and feel like they've seen time pass, and will continue to watch it go.

The air is so fresh in Iceland. Looking at this view and breathing in the air was a perfect way to start the day.

After Þingvellir, we traveled toward one of the many geysers in Iceland. Iceland is an active volcanic island, meaning there is a lot of geothermic activity under the ground. As a result, geysers are incredibly active in Iceland.

As you walk toward the main geyser, you can see multitudes of little holes in the group with water bubbling and steaming. The sulfur smell was incredibly strong, but it was so cool seeing just boiling water on the ground. The bubbling reminded me of a brook or frogs, but it was the water.

They often talk here about how alive the land is, and you really feel it in Iceland. The glaciers move, the water talks, the mountains shift, like how could you not revere the Earth for the goddess that it is?

Afterwards, we stopped by a small cafe to grab lunch. I got some fish and chips, and while it wasn't bad, man, I miss home a little bit. I wish there was just some more food other than bread - I miss my platters of too much food to eat.

The last stop of this leg of the trip was the Gullfoss waterfall, one of the many waterfalls in Iceland. Gunner was telling a story of how this preservation of this waterfall was championed by a woman, Sigríður Tómasdóttir. Legend goes that Iceland once wanted to use the waterfall to power the country. However, Sigríður walked from the falls to Reykjavik on foot to protest this change, and saved the natural beauty of the falls.

The falls were beautiful, and I am so grateful to my best friend for lending me their camera. While you weren't up and close to the falls, you could hear the rushing water and just be amazed at how gorgeous the sight is. Again, it was just nice to see nature at her finest.

On our way back for my transfer to the Blue Lagoon, Gunner was regaling us with stories about elves. Apparently, the Icelandic people are extremely superstitious, and many believe the existence of fairies and elves (used interchangeably).

He mentioned that the Icelandic government, rather than build straight roads, build meandering road to avoid going over the elves' homes. He told told a story that once, they planned to pave over the road, but the head engineer had a dream that night warning him that misfortune would follow him if they continued that plan. These fairy homes are just piles of rocks, and it was nice to add in a little bit of magic in this beautiful landscape.

The final leg of my day was a trip to the Blue Lagoon. Because of the geothermal activity in Iceland, there are a number of different hot springs that people take baths in. The Blue Lagoon is called the Blue Lagoon because the water becomes milky blue due to the high silica content.

I was very nervous for this part of the trip because 1) I was going to be there for 2 full hours, and 2) Icelandic culture is that you take a full shower naked in front of everyone else. While I am more accustomed to this than the average American due to going to Korean spas, I very much hate my body. Even though I knew that no one cares and are more worried about their own bodies and experience, I was extremely self conscious. However, this trip is about being brave, and goddammit, I was going to be brave.

The Blue Lagoon is a very nice place. I can imagine people spending entire days here relaxing. You enter through the spa and change in a very small changing room, stripping completely naked in front of complete strangers - no towel, nothing. You then move to the showers where you are expected to clean everything well - it's just manners if you are going to a group pool. The showers did have private stalls, but I eventually (when leaving) had to use a communal one.

The nice thing about Iceland is how accepting of trans identities they are. If you identified as a woman, you would go to the woman's changing room. Even if someone didn't agree - no one cares enough to make it an issue. It was incredibly inclusive, and something about just being in a changing room of women, taking showers, made me feel so in tune with my female identity that I haven't had before. It was strangely euphoric.

After washing, you put on your bathing suit and head out to the lagoon.

With admission, you are given a free silica face mask and a free drink! The water was a perfect temperature to just sit and relax in. Though it was a bit windy, honestly, it was one of the best times of my life. The cider was great, the mask was fun, and I haven't felt so relaxed in so long. Even though I worried about figuring out how to spend two hours at the lagoon alone, I ended up wanting to say even longer.

During this time, I reflect that I wish I had a friend along with me. I know that this trip is meant for me to be by myself, and I am not lonely per say, but I just know I would enjoy it more spending it with people I care about. It just makes me feel so much gratitude for the time I can spend with my friends, and the time they make for me. I hope that one day we can all travel together and make memories for us to remember when we're old and wrinkled.

After spending far too much money at the gift shop, I returned home with a burger and fries in tow, ready for another day of adventure.

[soomine-writes]

Iceland Trip 2025 - Day 0+1

(I fell asleep promptly after eating dinner yesterday, so a day late blog it is.)

I've been waiting for this trip forever. It's my first ever solo vacation, and I needed it. There are a lot reasons: relief from stress, the joy of independence, the reminder that I can take care of myself, the novelty of a new space. However, just plainly, it was just time to do it. My family, and my second family, are all at different points in their lives, and to be frank, I can't just wait for them while I'm ready. There's never a good time to travel, so might as well make time for it.

08 March 2025

I flew out of the United States on Saturday after a Graduate Research Forum at my school. It was a good end of work kind of feeling, and I managed to get almost everything packed! I ended up missing my wired headphones and my watch charger, but all my essentials, I managed to pack.

My dad was very insistent on wanting to drive me down, and even though I would have been fine driving myself, it was nice of him to offer it. My flight out of the United States was at 7:30, so I of course needed to be there 4 hours prior.

The BWI airport is a very large airport. My poor dad was so confused. I am worried about him picking me up later when my trip is over, but that is a problem we can worry about later in the trip. We ended up being so early that check in didn't even start, so my dad and I just ended up waiting around. It was nice - he showed me a judo video, and I read up on the news.

Once I was checked in, my dad insisted I eat dinner with him. I have a habit of not eating when I'm nervous, so it's probably for the best. However, there are not a lot of restaurants outside of security, and we ended up at a really bad pizza shop where I had the worst calzone of my life. 0/10, would not recommend.

Then, because my poor dad is my poor dad, he ended up making me walk him back to his car that I had no clue where we parked. We luckily got to the right parking garage, but it was a stressful 20 minutes as my desired 4 hours of waiting time dwindled down to 1.

At the gate, I ended up grading some of my students' work to ease off some worries. I was so nervous - I had never traveled alone before. I'm not much of a traveler to be honest, too cheap to really do it right. The urge to call it off was really strong, but I held still.

The flight was an easy affair - 6 hours is nothing compared to Korea. Nothing will compare to Korea.

My plan for the flight was to sleep immediately. I would be leaving at 7:30 PM and arriving at 5:30 AM, so sleeping through the flight would be important to stave off any jetlag. However, the flight kept the lights on for so long that I only managed to get 4 hours of sleep in.

As I arrived in Iceland, I was incredibly nervous. Did I pack enough clothes? Was I going to starve? What if no one actually spoke English? In addition, I am an incredibly inept traveler (my sister will attest). I have no idea what the order of operations are when it comes to visiting a different country. My strategy was to identify people on my plan and follow them through the airport.

It worked very well, in my opinion.

Nothing fun about immigration, but I will have to say, I arrived at 5:30 AM. The earliest I can drop my bags off in my hotel is 10:00 AM. It is an hour trip from the airport and the hotel. I had about 3 hours to kill. I ended up wandering around for a place to sit for half an hour, struggle getting a coffee, and grading more of my students' work for a while. It was a productive time, and while I am working on this, it's becoming a theme of my trip. Taking time for myself and refilling my cup to be productive.

Finally, at 9 AM, I was my way out of the airport.

Iceland is beautiful. It's grand and palatial: every inch of it looks like b-roll from a film. The city is quaint, in the truest sense of the word. There are not a lot of grand buildings - no skyscrapers or huge monuments. Land is used efficiently here, and the people respect the nature (or else it would kill them.)

I managed to get into my hotel in one piece, but since I couldn't check in until 3, I decided to do a little shopping. To travel around Reykjavik, I decided to utilize the extensive public transport system. There's an app that actually works, and it's pretty intuitive. I did read obsessively about using the buses, because I never want to be that person on the bus.

Laugavegur is the main shopping street in Reykjavik. It is lined with little tourist shops and the like. With only 4 hours of sleep, I wasn't really at my optimal self, so I didn't want to go to a museum where I wouldn't enjoy the most of it. I wanted something mindless and get my brain thinking for gits for my friends.

One thing I did know about Iceland was that there was a rainbow street. I knew I wanted to go, but I also kept it reserve for my city day later this week. However, as I was walking around, I managed to find it!

Being in the United States in 2025 - it's nice to be somewhere that isn't scared to say the word "gay" in public.

Reykjavik is very queer focused. There were gay flags everywhere on this little street, with homage to transgender and intersex. It was just great to know that I would be okay here.

The funny thing is that the end of this rainbow road is the biggest church I ever seen.

The Hallgrimskirkja is a huge Lutheran church in Iceland that is absolutely resplendent. Though it lacks the color and grandeur of its Catholic friends, it is a beautiful monument that overlooks Iceland.

You can even climb the tower and overlook the city yourself!

By now, I was getting pretty exhausted. Though the city of Reykjavik is small, walking around after a flight was finally getting to me. I had an extra hour to kill, and I was honestly just looking around to find somewhere to sit and rest my eyes, when I heard the distinct sound of punk music.

Not pop punk or some American classic: true punk music, and it was coming out of a bathroom?

The Icelandic Punk Museum is an ode to punk culture in Iceland, fighting against British rule after War World II. It's a tiny museum with only 2 rooms but filled with information. It was such a refreshing sight after seeing tourists and normalcy. There was a part of Iceland that was weird (affectionate) and I loved it.

After losing my headphones (wouldn't be a Rachel trip without losing something) I managed to crawl to my hotel room, grab some dinner, and drifted off to sleep for an eventful day tomorrow.

[soomine-writes]

[soomine-writes]

Book Recommendation - Day of Fallen Night By Samantha Shannon

Rating: ★★★★★

When I was young, I devoured fantasy books. As much as it is a cliché to say, being a child that was different from everyone else, there was a sense of novelty in being able to immerse yourself in a new world while looking through the eyes of a heroic protagonist destined to save the world. Their difference made them unique, special, and ultimately the key save the world.

As I grew older, my taste began to mature and change as I grew more secure in my own identity. Instead of being some amorphous person, still figuring out how I wanted the world to perceive me, I grew more and more comfortable with my sexual and racial identity. Suddenly, I struggled to see through the eyes of the uncomfortably heterosexual male protagonists who almost always got the woman they loved with little to no emotional effort. Additionally, as I grew older, the themes of eugenics and racisms from mostly white, cis-male authors made me increasingly uncomfortable reading their material. While I never truly strayed away from the occasional fantasy book, I found myself reading other genres that featured characters that I could better relate to.

Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon is one of the first fantasy books in a long while that brought me back to those late nights in middle school where I would read under the covers with a flashlight in hand. The novel is divided into three different storylines, divided by their belief and history to the core mythology of the world. Princess Glorian is the incoming monarch of the kingdom of Inys to the north whose bloodline is believed to keep the draconic terror, the Nameless One, from returning. Dumai is a godsinger from the High Temple of Kwiriki who is destined for greatness when her father finally finds her and reveals her greater destiny. And Finally, Tunuva of the Priory of the Orange Tree, is a warrior dedicated to protecting the world from Nameless One should he ever return.

The novel follows these three stories to explore this incredibly detailed and developed world as ruin strikes. What I loved most about this novel is that unlike some high-fantasy novels, I never felt too lost or confused in this world so different than mine. Perhaps it was because I could better relate to the characters, or that each of them felt so much like a real person, that I was able to experience the world as they did too. Every time I opened the book, I was immediately brought back to the setting, wondering how the characters were going to escape certain doom this time.

What’s more, each character felt so fresh. These were stories that were on some scale not yet told in this media, and it felt so novel reading them. I quickly fell in love with each story, and while I worried that the constantly shifting points of view would almost detract from suspense built in each storyline, the interconnectedness of the stories, despite the character being almost completely unrelated in the beginning, built on each other’s suspension.

My favorite part of the novel is just the blatant incorporation of queer themes in the story. There is no baulking at queer characters, and the story builds around trans and queer identities. They are not outcasts, but instead heroes. It is their love that makes them stronger, and it is beautiful to not only be seen by accepted and uplifted in a genre that often can hardly bring itself to see women in a good light.

Day of Fallen Night is an intricately developed story discussing how three people in power deal with the end of the world. How our relationship with our bodies, destinies, and the people closest to us are our strongest assets. What’s more, it’s a triumph that genre fiction does not need to stay true to the old masters. The world is changing, and the books the people want need to reflect the realities that many of its readers are living through.

[soomine-writes]

Hello this is me Aya.. ‏🇵🇸

having everything and suddenly you wake up with nothing left.That's exactly what happened with us .we moved from having everything to having nothing.In a blink of an eye ,we lost everything, our house ,dreams,

memories belongings and our works. We are starting from zero and need your help to climb the leader step by step from scratch.

All the positive words cannot express how generous you are, especially in sharing my posts to inform other donors about the people of Gaza who are still suffering from the terrible conditions caused by the unjust war on Gaza!

Please continue to support us by donating directly or by sharing the link to let others know. Don't hesitate to help people in difficult and miserable times until the dark days are over.

https://gofund.me/c4c2cf82

Donate if you can <3

[soomine-writes]

Hello this is me Aya.. ‏🇵🇸

having everything and suddenly you wake up with nothing left.That's exactly what happened with us .we moved from having everything to having nothing.In a blink of an eye ,we lost everything, our house ,dreams,

memories belongings and our works. We are starting from zero and need your help to climb the leader step by step from scratch.

All the positive words cannot express how generous you are, especially in sharing my posts to inform other donors about the people of Gaza who are still suffering from the terrible conditions caused by the unjust war on Gaza!

Please continue to support us by donating directly or by sharing the link to let others know. Don't hesitate to help people in difficult and miserable times until the dark days are over.

https://gofund.me/c4c2cf82

Donate if you can <3

[soomine-writes]

Hello this is me Aya.. ‏🇵🇸

Imagine having everything and suddenly you wake up with nothing left.That's exactly what happened with us .we moved from having everything to having nothing.In a blink of an eye ,we lost everything, our house ,dreams,

memories belongings and our works. We are starting from zero and need your help to climb the leader step by step from scratch.

All the positive words cannot express how generous you are, especially in sharing my posts to inform other donors about the people of Gaza who are still suffering from the terrible conditions caused by the unjust war on Gaza!

Please continue to support us by donating directly or by sharing the link to let others know. Don't hesitate to help people in difficult and miserable times until the dark days are over.

https://gofund.me/c4c2cf82ا

Please donate to the cause ❤️🖤💚

[soomine-writes]

Hello,

My name is Anas Al Burri. I am 17 years old, and I live in G*za. My sister has jaundice because she gave birth to her child in an unhygienic area during the war. She has no medication, and her condition is worsening, almost life-threatening. She is too ill to produce milk for her son, and we can't get milk from anywhere else. I have no medication for my diabetes! I am missing insulin, and my blood sugar is critically high, often above 180 and sometimes even 400. I suffer from hyperglycemia attacks and can't get to a hospital because we are in the northern part of G*za.

Three months ago, my 14-year-old brother Ahmad was searching for something to eat when he was sh*ot in the ch*est by sni*pers from a kilometer away. The bul*let went straight through his body. He was just a CHILD! We still can't believe it and keep thinking he will come back any moment. We didn't even have time to mourn him before the next family members were kill*ed.

The hardships my family and I face are beyond what words can describe. This is our last resort.

We are reaching out to you with a desperate plea. We need your help to survive. Your donation can provide us with the life-saving medications and food that we desperately need. Every act of kindness brings us closer to safety and restores a glimmer of hope in our hearts.

With your support, you can give us and many other families in G*za a chance to survive and rebuild our shattered lives. Help us survive and leave G*za so that the last of our family does not perish.

https://gofund.me/ecf94b00

Thank you for your empathy and kindness.

With heartfelt gratitude,

Anas Al-Burri and Family

❤❤

Hello, if you are enjoying my yu-gi-oh content, please feel pushed to donate to a family in need <3

[soomine-writes]

| 18 September 2024

Just lab things

[soomine-writes]

I remember a time when dick cheney was considered by many to be the most evil man in the world, maybe with the exception of henry kissinger. Between his role in the invasion of Iraq and the unsubstantiated "weapons of mass destruction" claim, the creation of the patriot act and the expansion of government surveillance power, and the controversy over Halliburton (of which he was the previous CEO of) generating billions of dollars of revenue during the war on terrorism... Idk man I'm just saying I wouldn't be excited about this guy endorsing my candidate. To say the least.

[soomine-writes]

Transness in Ender’s Game

Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card is a classic science fiction novel depicting the horrors and brutality of war, juxtaposing these themes with the innocence of precocious children and how the coming-of-age narrative can be forced upon someone rather than volunteered. Card himself is a known homophobe, and many have boycotted his book and its later film adaption after news broke of his homophobia. Despite this, after reading Ender’s Game myself, I can’t help but wonder if this book still manages to unintentionally be something of a trans allegory.

The story opens with Andrew Wiggins, who has chosen the name Ender for himself. He is the third child within a society that has a strict two-child policy and is estranged from the other children due to his status. His family consists of two parents who have turned their backs to religion and two siblings: a psychopathic brother and an empathetic sister. Both were assessed for their aptitude to lead an army against an invading alien race known as the “Buggers”, but the brother was deemed too murderous, and the sister was deemed too kind. Ender is selected as the last hope for humanity, encompassing both the capacity to both kill and empathize in equal measures.

Throughout the story, Ender is manipulated to develop both sides of himself, to grow his capacity to murder and commit genocide as well as his ability to empathize with the enemy and understand their tactics. While reading this book, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking how much of a trans story this sounds like. Ender, a boy who has eschewed his given identity to be closer to his chosen, is being torn between the gender binary: from being a male stuck in his toxic masculinity, and being female stuck in their infinite kindness. Understanding that this is a very gross overstatement of the genders and lacks any nuance in how gender is presented, Ender’s Game stuck me as a story of a boy wanting to let go of society’s expectation of himself and be who he truly is: Ender Wiggins.

As a non-binary individual, I was struck by the ending of the book where Ender, after committing genocide of the Buggers, finds perhaps the last remaining survivor of the entire Bugger race: a queen egg. Ender, who finds himself lost after realizing he had been manipulated into committing mass murder of an entire species, takes this egg and leaves his kind behind to find a new home for the Buggers as an act of atonement. Ender, who throughout this entire book wanted to be kind and loved, takes the finally plunge into a mothering role as carrying this egg, this child, into space to find it a new home.

For me, Ender’s Game is a tragic story about a trans child who wants to be kind, loved, and accepted by his peers. In many cases, Ender’s transness makes him unique and valuable to the world with the fresh perspective he brings. However, society takes that usefulness, that uniqueness to him, and uses it for their own gain. By the end of it, Ender is used and worn out, and the only hope that he has to regain any semblance of ownership of his own identity again, is by escaping society’s grasp and trying again.

While the author of the book maintains his stance on LGBTQ+ themes, that does not stop that LGBTQ+ stories are universal. Themes of being othered, of wanting to subvert society’s expectations, of being used, are all themes that every LGBTQ+ person has felt among other minorities. It makes me reflect that authors must relinquish control of controlling their audience. They simply present the art and must trust the audience to keep it alive with new interpretations like this one to keep it in the zeitgeist.

[soomine-writes]

On Death

CW: SUICIDE, MURDER, DEATH

One of my very unhealthy obsessions recently have been on murder and suicide and ultimately, the passage of time. As someone who has always assumed that they would find their end in the very near future, thinking about death like this almost seems natural. The thoughts don't really scare me or worry me like my therapist will like me to think. They're almost like a comforting thought - knowing that at end, death comes for us all, whether it is by our hand, the hand of the ones we love, or by time's constant heartbeat.

[soomine-writes]

somewhere out there someone has probably used AI to write their wedding vows. someone out there is probably loading their hinge profile with AI quippy responses. when i close my eyes i picture a man hunting through chatGPT prompts, trying to get someone else to love him. maybe she sends him back chatGPT too, and two robots fall in love.

is this our new lives, then? is love scripted? i have a dandelion heart and some part of me wants to believe that AI will not obtain self-reliance by evil but instead by discovering the single perfect shape of love - the one thing humanity (in all our time and force) could never quite nail down. maybe it will be a string of numbers. the imprint of static, the universe's thumbprint. maybe it will just be a single long mirror, and jam dripping down your hands.

i know there are "good" reasons. i was nervous! or i was unsure how to say it! but - i want your nervous words. i want your unsure words. i want you to strike entire pages of work for me. i want you to gesture vaguely, to ransack your mind for ways to instead-of-saying just show me. i want to find where your words fail you and where the summer of your longing blazes out of you, infinite, resisting the capture of definition.

and i want to do the same for you. isn't any love worth a little bit of struggle? i want to shiver with the movie-ripe sense my friends are lovely and i am so tender towards them - i want to never quite be able to explain what it means to spend my life with them. i want to draw shapes on your skin that exit the geometric and fade into the same, wordless pattern. it is still love if silent. you know - i rarely, if ever, actually tell my siblings i love them? i just show up often, and hope the action does the talking.

i know AI is "easier". of course. buttoned up and seamlessly corporate. but i do not want to love you through a film. i do not want to love you with your edges sanded down. i cannot recognize myself in you if you are unmarred and glistening. something about how, with the crystal-clear mp3 files of the present, we ache for the scratch of vinyl. the flaws are what make love worth it. i want the raw and the windbeaten and the unkempt.

something tender, then. i love you because you're real, which means that you cannot be perfect.

[soomine-writes]

I really struggle having a relationship with my parents. As a 20 something adult, I have the freedom to do things with my life that was limited growing up. I get to hang out with my friends, go traveling, do things that I want to do.

However, now that I do this, my parents feel like they get to tag along, and I really don't know what to do.

What obligation do I have to parents who barely did the bare minimum with me growing up? It's hard seeing my parents rot in their homes, but I can't bring myself to care. Especially when they made their own prisons.

I do these things because I want to. We don't like the same things. I want to do the things I want to, and I'm sorry, but you can't just insert yourself into my life just because I'm happy and you're not