soppyperson

[soppyperson]

Having a relapse

In the last few days, I think I'm experiencing a major relapse into my depressive state. I was really stressed out about my qualification, but since it took place on June 18, I've been in a low-functioning state. I can't do my job, in fact, I'm not doing any work at all, and my studies have been very poor (almost nonexistent). The only thing keeping me together is going to the gym.

When I'm in this state, I tend to feel worthless, thinking that I got here (gaining low, 27 yo, living with family) solely because I'm lazy. What makes it worse is that I take everything people say about me as truth. It's hard to keep these three things together (public servant exam studies, my master's degree, and my job) and on top of that, maintain my body and eat healthily.

There is a program in my country for free psychological consultations, including medication prescriptions. I think I should probably seek it out. In 2022 I had a severe burnout, but back then my mother paid for my treatment. She can't do that anymore, not because of how she's been treating me recently, but because of the overall lack of money. She knows that when my mental health improves, I'm more productive, and as a result, 2022 and 2023 were very productive for me (and brought better financial results).

I know I've been acting sluggish lately because of this. The treatment lasted throughout 2022 but was far from complete, especially because I was researching whether I am a “highly sensitive person”, which could make me more prone to mental illness and burnout.

I'll stop writing here, if I keep licking my wounds, I'll get worse emotionally. But I'm still here, and even if badly, I'm trying.

[soppyperson]

One happy thing

I got qualified in my masters, in the last update i got bombed in the test of public servant, but my teacher accepted my Project of masters.

The qualificantion board was hard and the teachers involved we're harsh, but they told me that i can continue the research, with some (ALOT) ajustments.

My next test for public servant will be august 3, i still feel that i will not be great enough, i neglected this studies i order to achieve my qualification, but i still will do it. Also, after this test, there will be no new tests for a while, i don't know if it is good or bad.

Also, i put braces in my teeth, so i'm a little more miserable now, but i'm trying to not think in the bad parts of life, yesterday i doomscrolled some bad thoughts of mine before sleep and got a depression crisis. But, before my thoughts got really bad, i took a sleeping pill and layed down to sleep.

But i'm still here! Not as good as i wanted, but alive.

[soppyperson]

About the test

In some earlier posts, I mentioned that I was about to take a test in order to get a job, so, i did it. I traveled to another city, aand the trip was really awful, the plane was delayed so much, and, because of that, I missed the connecting flight. The company gave me another plane to go to the final destination in the in the morning, soI spent the night in a hotel (paid by the airline), but I only got about 4 hours of sleep. The next morning instead of sending me direct to my final destination they sent me to another city, and, in this city i had to change flights to finally go to my final destination. But when I went to change flights i learned that i was overbooked, thankfully (or not?) someone had missed the plane, therefore they got me into the plane. Result: i was supposed to land at my final destination on friday at 22:20, but i just got there on saturday 14:00. Thankfully i thought that this could happen, so i planned my travel in advance, since my test was only on sunday. About the test, i did everything i could, but i'm still not ready enough, i did 58% of the test, to be 100% certain that you will be approved and selected you need 85%+, but if you have 70%+ you already have a chance. Well, I had just 4 months of study, and i had a lot of troubles along the way, if i don't give up, I will have a chance in the long run. The next one is in august, i will do it too. My relationship with my mother got a little better, i think she finally see me as trying my best (in something that gives money, not that i not trying my best at other things that unfurtunetly does not had all that financial returnal, like my master's degree). Ah, my professor accepted my project, so i will qualify my masters next month! I almost couldn't make it to deadline, but i'm still in the game. Hopefully my qualification presentation will go without worries. That's all for this update, i'm still here trying my best!

[soppyperson]

Getting over it

Last post i was really sore about a lot of things, but right now i am less pissed. Getting pissed will not change my situation, and i need to have my head centered to take action and do my routine.

I already know that i'm just affected by the power i gave to others, but even so, remmembering it is always needed. In addition, i don't like being mad at others, not every relationship is black and white (some say that the problem lives in there). Even with the conflics i have, my mother was a really loving mother, and encouraging me in every step i made till here.

Probably the recent actions (and source of the problems) begin when she noticed that at 25 i was not nearly financially successful as she was at 25 (and she got a lot monthly of you consider the inflation). Other thing is that she probably was couting me as her retirement, and is frustrated with her plan not going well. Im the end, the source is worrying with me (and her too) - not that the method she used to worry is a good one.

But well, i'm here, still trying, and trying to understand others -even when others don't try to understand me, but i can only do what i can do.

[soppyperson]

Stumbling in the way

So, the cut for the approved ones is 51/80, wich is 60% (that's a low rate, usually the approval rate is only for those that can get 85%+ in the test). I'm not sad about this, but i'm sad about other things. I tried to apply to a job (a nice opportunity), but my resume was rejected, so, i was rejected before getting the test done, which is very sad knowing that my curriculum is weak exactly because i graduated late. But ok, i still have plenty of other opportunities to pursue. Regarding my qualification, the analysis was given back to me, overall i did great! but i need to fix some little things before the qualification jury. As the other thing that makes me sad, it's about my mom, well, this time was not about financial humiliation, was about what "i am not bc i couldn't be", or something like this. The moral is that she is pissed that she realised that it will be difficult for her to retire. Then, she think of me as a way to retire. First things first, i want to help her, she is my parent and raised me, i am thankful for everything that she has done for me. But right now, she is pissed that i don't have a good job (i actually, i can barely maintain myself), so she could stop working and i would support her financially. But obviously the stakes are high, she says that she wants 5x the minimum wage to herself (i don't even get 1!), besides 5x minimum wage for her to live her life, she wants me to support the house financially alone, AND, after all of this, for me have a family (a child). Well, i don't think i can do this, sadly, for her, i am not the john's-whatever son, that somewhat is a milllionare before his 30's, i am just me, not enough. And it's not like i'm not trying, i am really trying, but things do not work as the way they should. She always says that when she was my age she was already making XXX money per month, and had a house and financially supported the house alone, including 2 siblings that she had. But well, good for her that she could get this, but i did not. Sometimes i think, why did she had me? Am i just a way for her to retire? Some guarantee that she will have someone to take care of her when she gets old? Does she even see me as a human being, or just a stack of money? I would already be away if i could, unfortunately the rent has skyrocketed in the last 8-5 years, so i can't afford right now. But when i'm able, i will not annoy her anymore with my existence, i will be gone, and i will help her with whatever is possible for me. Every post i repeat, and i will repeat again, i am still here, and i am still trying. Maybe i repeat this every time to make myself believe this, even when people bullshit in my head and say that i'm just a good for nothing.

[soppyperson]

Short update

So, last days been crazy busy, but nothing much important, i've been mantaining a certain distance from everything that been turning me down, including my own thoughts. Then, this post will not be mature rated.

I've done a test for public servant that wasn't in my area of study, there was 7 topics that i dont normally study, just 4 of the whole test i knew, and the result was 26/80. Pretty bad, but ok, i searched for my mistakes (only for the ones i usually study).

I did that test to feel how a big test like this is. And it was really tiring, i did a lot of errors, like not eating breakfast, not bringing a snack to pump my glicogen, etc. Well, i hope be a little better than this in the next one, because the next one will be in my area of study, the first one.

Personally i do not expect to be approved. I only have 4 months of study, and i juggled my way through. I think i have approxomately 45% of all the content studied, and i think i will just have all the content studied by 10 months, but this next test will be in the next 20 days, and the second one will be in august, after this just next year.

Lastly, my qualification is still pending an analysis. So, this update is primarily to anotate thst i'm still trying my best.

[soppyperson]

Little steps

So, i took a little time and discovered how to change some stetical things in tumblr. But still not so aesthetic like some others that i saw.

Jumping for other things, there is a little magic in writting in a webpage that anyone can see, even if no one still saw. This way i don't feel alone, the feeling is somewhat beeing heard, and for now this is what i need.

It's not like i don't have anyone to talk to, but when i talk to someone i can't openly say everything in my mind without letting them worried, and the least thing i want is to worry the ones i love.

My mother the other day financially humiliated me again, but i didin't felt that bad. Feeling bad about what she says is a power that i let her have, if i don't give it i will not feel that much. What i need right now is be running out for something, and i'm doing that! I finished writting my masters qualification project, i hope it will be aproced, and i'm still going in the studies in being a public servant (even thought not as strong as it could be, but it is better be doing it than not doing, right?)

Well, i will end by here, it is already somewhat big. Thank you for reading this (if is there anyone), if you are in a position similar to mine, i hope we can continue walking, and not giving up. Not easy, but we are still here.

[soppyperson]

Trying to survive

So, the thing is, me being alive is something that i still don't understand why, but gladly i am. I will post once in a while in this place as a little thing to show my true intentions, my will to survive and not unalive myself. The true is this, i'm still here, and i want to live. If i'm gone, well, this will be the proof that i tried. So the marking will be this> i work so much, but i make not much (around 270$ month), while i'm working i'm doing a masters degree in a hope to have better opportunities, and, lastly, i try to study to be a public servant. Being a public servant by study is uncertain, but the best way to get out the hole i'm in. The "hole" i'm in is not a bad one, i have a nice family, and i live with them, but i graduated late, so, as a recently graduated, i still lack with good oportunities and my space in the market. The thing is everyone around my age, having a nice job, marriage, children, and i still live with my family because i cant afford a rent. With the quantity i have i still try to help in the house, but of is never enough. Often i get financially humiliated. But well, i'm really trying my best, so, this will be a little journaling about me trying to live, when i see the weight of my life is too much for me and the others around me, i will stop trying. But for now, i'm here.