souless-wonder - Tumblr blog

[souless-wonder]

Will I ever be happy?

Will these thoughts of depression, anxiety and suicide ever go away or will I just become numb to them that it will be enough for me to carry on living...

[souless-wonder]

I deserved to be loved right?

Like I know I am loved.

By my family.

My friends.

But do I really deserve it?

Have I earned it?

Should I allow myself to be loved?

Can I finally love myself?

Am I able to look past all the soot and smoke, the broken dreams, the hidden scars, the shattered heart and still find it?

Find me.

Underneath all that rubble and earth I buried myself in.

Simply dust myself off and say "I am loved"?

Because I don't think I am able too.

[souless-wonder]

We all struggle being true to ourselves.

[souless-wonder]

One of my worst traits is I know how to love.

But I don't know how to believe I am loved.

[souless-wonder]

I don't know what to do anymore.

I dont want to live.

My body and mind feel numb because I feel like I'm suffering from something that can't be cured.

Yet I want to live.

There is still so much I want to see and do in this life and I don't want to hurt my family more than I already have.

I feel stuck.

I feel lost.

I feel

Nothing.

[souless-wonder]

Each day I quickly run out of things to say or do to keep myself numb.

[souless-wonder]

Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.

[souless-wonder]

You ever just sit and watch the rain?

Hoping it will somehow wash away all the pain and suffering you have been through.

But instead it just leaves you feeling cold and empty.

[souless-wonder]

Damn, there goes my mind again proving how useless and how little self worth I have.

[souless-wonder]

The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy.

[souless-wonder]

“What is depression like? It’s like drowning, except everyone around you is breathing.” 

[souless-wonder]

God loneliness is so fucking horrible.

[souless-wonder]

I've hated myself for a better part of my whole life so far.

But it now feels like everyone around me is telling me to stop doing that.

As if it was as easy as flipping a switch, but it isn't.

I've done it for so long, that if I did stop hating myself.

I would no longer be me.

[souless-wonder]

Having anxiety is the most silently painful experience. It makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for an unknown reason.

[souless-wonder]

Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head.

[souless-wonder]

I've felt for most of my life that I've been under water.

Buried chest deep in sludge, depression, mud, anxiety and earth.

Watching as the currents moves over me.

One day having enough, I mudded up the water by trying to take my life.

Sadly the kicked up mud slowly settled back into place.

Like it has never been disturbed in the first place.

Leaving me under the water.

Leaving me, still stuck in that sludge, mud and earth.

[souless-wonder]