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How Divorce Can Have an Effect on Health – Nigel Rowland Interview by Suzy Miller

Suzy Miller of the Alternative Divorce Guide interviewed Nigel Rowland, a financial services expert about the effect divorce can have on your health – and how to protect yourself from the possible financial fallout during and after this difficult time.

Divorce Has Lasting Impact on Health.

It is no surprise to anyone who has experienced it themselves, to discover that Divorce can have lasting repercussions on health: *studies show that even for those who remarry, the risk of disease is increased by divorce or the loss of a spouse. In these situations, time off work to recover is a reality many have to face, with lost income making for a rapidly worsening scenario.

One study** showed that those who were divorced or widowed were 22% more likely than those who had never been divorced or widowed to suffer from chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and cancer. They were also twice as likely to have chronic health problems as divorced or widowed people who had remarried.

In addition, the risk of mobility problems (such as difficulty climbing stairs or walking short distances) went up by 23% after divorce or loss of a spouse. And remarrying doesn’t provide complete protection: individuals who remarried still had 12% more chronic health conditions and 19% more mobility problems than married people who had never been divorced or widowed. However, they were only slightly more likely to report depression.

Deepening the crisis: stress and unexpected loss of income

Needless to say, divorce brings a host of stressors, and stress itself can cause all kinds of health issues, including heart and mental health problems. Not having an income when you most need it can, of course, exacerbate the stress of the situation, and this in itself has noticeable effects on health and recovery time.

It is expected that your financial affairs will change after a divorce. But for many of those dealing with or recovering from a divorce, getting insurance in place against illness-related loss of income is far down the list of priorities. In fact, less than 1 in 10 households has any form of income protection***. However, the reality is that, as things currently stand, if you found yourself unable to work for health reasons you would only receive a maximum of £73.10 per week in Employment and Support Allowance for the first 13 weeks (for over 25-year-olds) and up to £109.30 thereafter (as of December 2016). In this situation, you would probably be forced to dip into savings or rely on family for financial support. This is where Income Protection Insurance comes in.

The value of a safety net

To cover all the bases in financial planning and ensure peace of mind as you re-build your life, it’s essential to know that a replacement income would be paid if you were to find yourself off work due to illness. When we are in good health, it’s easy to take our ability to earn an income for granted – but, in fact, the situation can change at any time, and with the increased risk that divorce brings, it really isn’t worth applying a false economy. I encourage clients to compare the costs of having Income Protection Insurance and not needing it, with those of needing it but not having it.

Broad-based advice on pressing financial issues

I can advise you on Income Protection Insurance, as well as all areas of wealth management, such as retirement planning, wealth protection and investment planning. With over 30 years in the financial sector, I provide long-term advisory relationships with my clients and am committed to finding tailored solutions as their financial needs evolve over the years. I am available for face-to-face meetings both within the City of London and more widely throughout the South East of England.  I will always keep you informed of the latest news and any changes that might affect your personal situation, taking into account your feedback every step of the way.

For a conversation to explore how I can help you, call me now on 07770 770627 / 01903 871699 or email me on nigel.rowland@sjpp.co.uk.

Nigel Rowland

SOURCES:

***Which? Guide ‘Income Protection Explained’

** Hughes, M. and Waite, L. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, September 2009; vol 50: online edition.

*Linda J. Waite, professor of sociology and director, Center on Aging, University of Chicago.

*Mary Elizabeth Hughes, PhD, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Baltimore.

*Mark Hayward, director, Population Research Center, University of Texas at Austin.

The Partner Practice represents only St. James’s Place Wealth Management plc (which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority) for the purpose of advising solely on the Group’s wealth management products and services, more details of which are set out on the Group’s website www.sjp.co.uk/products. The ‘St. James’s Place Partnership’ and the titles ‘Partner’ and ‘Partner Practice’ are marketing terms used to describe St. James’s Place representatives.

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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When Your Confidence and Until Death Do Us Part are Dancing to a Different Beat – by Dee Burrowes

There’s something magical about the Christmas holidays that encourages people to bring joy to others. It’s one of my absolute favourite times of the year where my family and extended family traditionally come together to give thanks.

But has the reality of Christmas without the ‘perfect family’ hit home for you this year – or for someone you know and love?  Is there a husband and wife who are dancing to different tunes – out of step – and Christmas is that final realisation that they can no longer be partners?  And how crushing is that to the confidence of both, who tried so hard to ‘make it work’ – but now the dance must end in divorce?

Everything was in perfect order, nothing out of place, from the Christmas tree, decorations, the yummy food perfumed through the kitchen and hallway. You anticipate the opening of the gifts and seeing smiling faces all around.

You dreamed of the perfect marriage and spend countless hours practicing the same steps almost like a routine so that when a competition or performance of life appears, movements are like reflexes and partners appear proud and confident in each movement.

“My beloved husband walked through the door and his mood completely changed when greeted. He spoke and confirmed my worst fears – that he wanted out and he is getting a divorce.”

The scenario above will cause great confusion, turmoil and upheaval. Such transitions are characterised by a range of emotions: ambiguity, ambivalence, power struggle, soul searching, and stress. The dream had been of a world of happiness and harmony – not one of blame and shame.

How can we learn new dance steps and rebuild our confidence with flair?

Are you navigating a divorce or separation (or helping someone else)?  Are you open-minded, open-hearted and willing to heal without harnessing hatred or resentment?  If so, you’ve come to the right place.

My mission is to inspire change in the way our culture views and approaches the divorce process.   I envision family-centric Divorce Ceremonies taking the place of dramatic courtroom theatrics.  And I have absolute faith that families can productively evolve, not destruct and dissolve, through the process.

Are you steering your way through a divorce where you’ve lacked open-mindedness and a willingness to heal without grudge or resentment?  Such an approach embodies a choice to refuse to forgive and an unwillingness to bury the hatchet.  Clinging to the need to be right instead of letting go, overrides the capacity to heal and find peace with oneself.

Adopting an approach to mindfulness and accepting your feeling without judgment can actively aid you to move on from your negative feelings quickly.

Positive emotions that evolve post-divorce will easily embrace the negative emotions that often seem to hang around way past their expiration date and cause havoc.

Contrary to how their seemingly effortless dance appears, dancers do not learn and polish a dance in one day or even a week. If we look at their process, they teach us a valuable lesson about being proud of ourselves and being confident. Just like a tango dancer, we must practice over many hours to learn how to be proud of ourselves.

With any dance, you start by learning the fundamentals. There are small, basic steps that the rest of the dance is built on. There are also simple steps you can start today to move towards the confident person you want to be tomorrow.

When a marriage or relationship ends it is never easy to carry on with the practice. The reason for the split can turn your whole world upside down and trigger painful and unsettling emotions. There are plenty of processes that can help to get through this challenging time and experiences aid you to grow into a more mature, stronger and wiser individual.

Having confidence in yourself helps you become better and stronger, diminishing thoughts that you are not good enough. Feeling focused about your next moves will improve your artistry and as a result will help you to realise your full potential.

Being in a place with your most focused mind and your truest spirit allows your consciousness into its highest level in coming to terms with the separation.

As a divorce launches into full force it takes you into uncharted territory, it disrupts your routine, relationships with family and friends and even your identity. It floors you with uncertainty about the family, financial connections and the future. What will the after effects be without your partner? Will you ever trust or love someone else? Will you end up alone for the rest of your life? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Just like tying the knot, getting un-married is as time-consuming with many procedures to follow and external services to connect with, which is not a leap to make without the guidance of a coach.  With that guidance you can rebuild yourself and rediscover the confident, competent and courageous person you once were.

When a relationship ends, emotions always run high and if you do not have emotional support, the separation can become very overwhelming. Constant conflict with your spouse in addition to the financial negotiations, asset distribution and decisions of how to care for the children, are all steps that need to be negotiated.                                

Dancing can be a reflection of life and its beat where many moments of excitement, fear, great joy, pain and the past plays out rhythmically in our lives.

Many moments in your life you will be on stage displaying hopefully the most authentic you, sharing your emotions of happiness, love, inspiration and courage to the world. Giving your inner world and transforming your soul to your audience – accepting oneself without limitations or challenges.

‘Each moment will bring its own blessings’ …

So just dance!

Do you know that simply practicing good posture, whether sitting or standing, is a small and proven way to boost self-esteem? Not only will you breathe better, which makes your organs function better, but having your shoulders rolled back and head held high will make you feel more positive. Take a few minutes to evaluate how you are sitting now, and try taking a positive posture break for a few minutes while you read this post and see how you feel afterwards.

Another basic way to improve self-esteem is through words of affirmation about yourself, which you can write down in a journal. Identify and write down as many of your personal strengths as you can. You may be surprised at how many things you are great at – from being a caring family member to a hard worker. If you feel down on yourself, write down one or two of the strengths you are proudest of and revisit the journal later to write down more.

The healing process will not be easy however strategic actions need to be taken to help you recover and allow you to regain your true self.

To see the 5 steps to ensure your confidence and goals

are dancing to the same tune, simply download “Be Proud Of Yourself!”

REGISTER NOW FOR MY INSTANT DOWNLOAD:

CLICK HERE: BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!

Your confidence may be causing you to sit out part of the great dance of life, but with a little help and by learning a few fundamentals, there is no stopping you from achieving your goals. Remember that like the tango, you must concentrate on practicing one small step each day to build a strong foundation. Before you know it, you will soon be moving in harmony with your true self, and the steps you take will be innate movements, propelling you to where you wish to be next.

As you go on your personal journey and learn your new steps, I will be here to coach you and guide you as you go. Most dancers have coaches, and I will be here to help you if you take a misstep or need help figuring out the next move.

What is one step you can take to boost self-confidence and regain your well-being to be proud of yourself?

My mission is simple. I help individuals to achieve positive, lasting change for themselves by building relationships with people and their teams. I help you make your life extraordinary by regaining self-love, self-esteem, self-worth and confidence with vigour and energy. With profound interest in exactly what makes individuals react the way they do negatively led me to studying Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). This innovative process aids communication to enable an individual to recode the way the brain responds to stimuli in manifesting new and better behaviours assisting clients to reduce their stress levels, change, identifying their self-sabotaging habits and overcoming limiting beliefs to achieve greater success. To eradicate self-criticism and replace it in believing in your greatness! Who you are – the real you – the inspired, loving, giving, caring, full of potential and the solution finder that is your true identity.

I will help you to live life on your terms where your habits, mindset and patterns holding you back.  The shift on your perspective is now as all too often our dreams go unfulfilled.

Let’s begin today and schedule your 30 minutes strategy session.

Contact Dee at coachdeeburrowes@gmail.com.

Or Download right now the 5 steps to ensure your confidence and goals

are dancing to the same tune…..

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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Brexit Divorce goes on and on – just like a real divorce! by Victoria Sharman

In family life, separation and divorce is traumatic and distressing. It has a negative impact on the overall health and wellbeing of those involved.

Yes – anger at the event that has caused me to experience these feelings.

As I watched people around me, I noticed different behavioural responses – those who didn’t want to talk about it; those who couldn’t stop talking about it; and those who were ignoring it, trying to maintain a semblance of normality and ‘going through the motions’ of living as usual. Given my therapeutic experience, it suddenly struck me all this felt very familiar. The people around me, in their own unique way, were going through different phases of the grieving process.

I talked with immediate family about my feelings of restlessness, despite not having any immediate worries. They suggested I investigate ‘my unconscious material’ – I exclaimed, “Oh no, not Freud!” However, I went away to ponder on the unknown ‘unconscious thoughts’ bothering me.

I sought refuge in the back garden. Thankfully, no lawn mowers were to be heard, just the chirping of birdsong. I surveyed my environment and found myself watching the clouds drift by, the patches of blue sky and the sun periodically peeping out from behind the dark clouds. My attention wandered towards the oak tree at the bottom of the garden, its leaves swaying in the breeze. I wondered, “Which direction is the wind coming from, perhaps an easterly wind?” We are told this brings cold weather. Watching the leaves dance a lot more on the top right-hand side of the oak, I became fascinated at how a tree can be ruffled on one side, yet still maintain a balance within it’s central structure. This curiosity, this mindfulness, helped me direct attention to my own balance. I developed an awareness of the increased ‘aches and pains’ in my body and this helped me connect with the ‘numbness’ of my emotions.

The referendum has introduced the potential for intergenerational conflict, splitting families and causing distress. In communication with a colleague, she told me, “One of my clients (late 20’s to early 30’s), has felt angry with his parents since Brexit, as he knows they voted Leave whereas he voted Remain. He feels upset but struggles to talk to them about it”. Similarly divorce cuts across the generations too.

I realised the outcome of the vote to ‘Leave the EU’ (Brexit) has triggered individual and collective expressions of strong emotions, similar to those experienced in the aftermath of separation or divorce or a disastrous nationwide event (war?). So, what unconscious feelings were triggered for me? Suddenly, I understood my connection to this issue. It was encountering the unknown, living with uncertainty, disappointment, betrayal, loss of trust. By making a decision at the ballot box, I felt coercively persuaded and manipulated. Nick Child has written on parental alienation and coercive persuasion. The process of the referendum campaign showed how this works in the political arena, in the way each side presented their persuasive arguments.

I remember being politely asked by a stranger, “How did you vote in the EU referendum?” I looked at him and simply said, “Confused”. He smiled with reassuring words: “It will be ok, either way”. I was aware of the elation of some people and the sadness of others. They say time is a great healer but sometimes brings complications. I reflected on this incidental interaction, wondering what a complete stranger noticed about me for him to reach out? I replayed the scene of my conversation – a public place…sitting at a table, waiting for food in a pub restaurant…partner ordering refreshments after a long session of eye tests and selection of lens and frames (not forgetting the paperwork). I thought about how I was sitting, and realised I had my elbow on the table, hands under my chin…staring at the menu.  This helped me to be more aware of my emotional response. Triggers such as Brexit make me feel ‘unsafe’ and ‘insecure’ in my environment and wider social worlds.

**Recent research findings published by Relate **suggest that 2.87 million people are in distressed relationships across the UK.

Where there are family conflicts of emotional intensity, there are winners and losers. Whether you are a winner (a partner wanting out) or a loser (partner wanting to remain), both parties experience deep emotional turmoil in the process of disconnection and in negotiating new ways forward. Consideration of the traumatic impact on psychological and emotional wellbeing on the individual is secondary, let alone the children.

Once partners and parents decide to go their separate ways, adversarial communication is introduced because of differences and it focuses on blame. In family breakups, there are no winners – especially where children are involved.  When feelings have been severely hurt and deeply wounded, negotiation and communication are extremely challenging, as the aftermath of the decision to leave the EU confirms.

In my work with couples, some of the questions that come up from the couples and their children, resonate for me in the Brexit context:

What is separation?

What does divorce mean?

Do we have to move?

Can I still go to school?

I feel different, I don’t know why?

Will I be asked to choose?

Similar sentiments echo across the UK as we seek to come to terms with separating from the EU, trying to grasp present challenges and uncertainties, and wondering what the future holds?

Access your complimentary discovery session by phone with Victoria

email: victoria@v2recovery.co.uk

tel: 0208 933 3040   mobile: 07936 88 11 50

http://www.v2recovery.co.uk

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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Child First Campaign to prevent abusive ex-partners cross examining their victims in court

Fantastic news – and proof that sanity does eventually (begin to) prevail in the world of Divorce and Families:  As a result of the Child First Campaign bringing the issue of survivors of domestic abuse being cross examined by their abusers in the family courts and the subsequent Guardian investigation into the issue, the Government have announced an emergency review to find the quickest way to ban abusive ex-partners from cross examining their victims.

Women’s Aid say that:

“This will go a long way to ensuring that survivors of domestic abuse are properly able to advocate for the safety of their children when in the family courts and ultimately will help to ensure that there are no further avoidable child deaths as a result of unsafe child contact.”

The President of the Family Division and Head of Family Justice, Sir James Munby has been key in helping make this review happen:

“I have expressed particular concern about the fact that alleged perpetrators are able to cross-examine their alleged victims, something that, as family judges have been pointing out for many years, would not be permitted in a criminal court. Reform is required as a matter of priority. I would welcome a bar…I am disappointed by how slow the response to these issues has been and welcome the continuing efforts by Women’s Aid to bring these important matters to wider public attention.” The situation around domestic abuse is complex.

Divorce Recovery Coach Zina Arinze MIOEE

has had personal experience of domestic abuse, and was one of the speakers at the Professional African Women speak out against Domestic Abuse and Violence conference in London on 15th of July 2016.

“Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members, including sadly, children. It cuts across race, social economic class, gender and faith. And for Black women, dare I say Professional African women, it’s an even bigger problem. Research suggests that Black women are almost three times as likely to experience death as a result of DV than White women

In addition, it is well documented that religious beliefs and negative views about mental health services also factor into why many Black women remain with abusive partners. African women in particular are more likely to rely on religious guidance and faith-based practices when working through relationship issues. And rightly or wrongly these religious beliefs often discourage divorce, encourage forgiveness and occasionally condemns those who seek mental health support/psychiatric help instead of relying on their faith. These as well as other factors have informed our perceptions of what constitutes abuse thereby greatly shaping our paradigms.” 

Zina Arinze: Post-Divorce Reinvention Queen

Women’s  Aid will continue to work closely with the Government on this review and see that the voices of survivors are central to this work.  But help is still needed, through continued support from the public through the petition to Justice Secretary, Rt Hon Liz Truss MP, to ensure that there are no further avoidable child deaths as a result of unsafe child contact with a known perpetrator of domestic abuse.

Claire Throssell, the Child First campaign spokeswoman, is going to be delivering the petition to Number 10 Downing Street on Wednesday 24th January. Women’s Aid want to ensure that the Government know that there are 50,000 people waiting to see what action they are going to take after the review and to ensure that the family courts are a safe space for survivors of domestic abuse. The petition currently stands at well over 36,000 signatures, and you can help to get the total up to 50,000 before 24th January by simply and quickly singing the petition online, and THEN sharing it widely with friends, family, colleagues and on social media to help to drive up that total.

In this video, Zina talks about the struggle of divorcing and the support needed – which of course is even more essential if you are experiencing a domestic abuse scenario.

Zina Arinze is a Post-Divorce Reinvention Coach and founder of www.believeandliveagain.com, which helps divorced women to regain their confidence, self-esteem and start living again.

Contact Zina now for a no-cost no-obligation conversation about how she can help you to believe and live and again!

zinaarinze@believeandliveagain.com

0208 9383672

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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Securing Your Financial Future After Divorce

In his interview with Suzy Miller of the Alternative Divorce Guide, Charlie Reading, of Chartered Financial Planning firm Efficient Portfolio, talks about securing your financial future after divorce, and how to prepare for and deal with the financial impact of divorce.

The financial impact of divorce can be very demanding, especially as it comes at a time when the emotional stress is already high. Taking the time to plan financially helps ensure that your divorce runs as smoothly as possible, increasing your chances of a fairer settlement and greater future security.

As you make the shift from planning your finances as a couple to going it alone, you will need to develop a resilient, flexible strategy to prevent yourself running short of funds in the future. This will also help you to cope with the unexpected. A holistic financial planning service is the way forward, whether you need to reorganise your finances now, want to establish a new financial plan for the future or make sure your plan is adaptable to any future changes. Here is how you can tackle the situation in the most effective way:

Know What You’re Dealing With

If you’re facing an uncontested divorce or a default divorce, the process is more straightforward than a contested divorce, which can involve considerably more expense through court cases, barrister or solicitors’ bills and costly legal fees. A different plan will be needed in each case.

Take an Inventory

If you’re about to approach your spouse about a divorce or separation, make sure you have a plan about where you will live, and what your incomings and outgoings will be. Have a thorough idea of what your shared financial assets are, such as investment accounts, insurance policies and other assets (cars, houses, etc.)

Cushion Yourself

As well as money for the lawyer and other associated legal fees, you will also need a financial cushion to help you move into a new house and deal with your living expenses. If you don’t, you might face the worst-case scenario of being forced to accept a divorce settlement that doesn’t fully compensate you or completely support your needs. Having a financial plan in place will equip you to ascertain what is rightfully yours.

Sort Out Your Paperwork and Create a Divorce File

Getting your finances in order means first getting all your paperwork organised. Taking copies of deeds, insurance policies and other important financial documents is a good start, and you should securely store account numbers for bank accounts, credit cards and car loans, investment accounts and retirement savings accounts. Be prepared for the splitting of your financial assets by starting a divorce file so you can easily get access to all the information you need.

Seek the Help of a Financial Adviser

To ensure that if something unexpected happens in the future, and your financial plan is not derailed, you need to find a highly-qualified adviser who specialises in estate planning, taxation and investments. A professional of this type will ensure that your estate is dealt with in a tax efficient manner and is protected for your family in the future. This needs to be someone who you can trust and who understands your needs. You can read our free guide to finding an adviser here:

*Finding an adviser in a post RDR world.

Undertake Lifetime Cash-Flow Planning

This process will help you to clearly see how your new future looks from a financial perspective, allowing your adviser to identify opportunities and alert you to areas that require immediate attention. Your adviser will model and calculate your future financial needs, to help you understand the implications of different divorce settlements and outcomes. Working with your adviser, you will be able to identify how to make your money work harder for you, how to improve the pensions and investments you already have in place, and you will receive recommendations on the best strategy for your new future.

Efficient Portfolio help people to clarify their situations and equip them with the tools to build a new, successful future built around their individual goals. As the founder of this company, I provide detailed and bespoke financial guidance for couples navigating divorce with a view to the future they want to create for themselves – and for their now extended family. Just because you are divorcing or your family is ‘changing form’ doesn’t mean you can’t all have a bright future ahead.

People Don’t Plan to Fail, They Fail to Plan. We Want to Ensure You Don’t.

If you would like to meet with me to discuss your needs, I am delighted to be able to offer you a free initial consultation, called an Exploration Meeting. This is the first step of our unique process that will allow you to see how we work, understand your current situation and help you to explore what your financial future looks like. Normally charged at £197, this is free when you contact us through this site.

Contact us today on 01572 898060 or enquiry@efficientportfolio.co.uk to book your meeting.

“Charlie has been providing us with professional financial advice for over ten years. He has made complex and often confusing options easy to understand and has supported us to make the right decisions for us and our family as our circumstances change over time. I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend Charlie to others and have already done so with many favourable comments.”

Helen & Chris Wada, Wimbledon

**So don’t hold back on your dreamscontact us today to see howLife Planning can enrich your future.Call 01572 898060Email enquiry@efficientportfolio.co.uk **

This document is intended for informational purposes only and no action should be taken or refrained from being taken as a consequence of it without consulting a suitably qualified and regulated person. It does not constitute financial advice under the terms of the Financial Services and Markets Act 2000. It is not an offer to sell, or a solicitation of an offer to buy, the instruments described in this document. Past performance is not an indication of future performance. Interested parties are advised to contact the entity with which they deal, or the entity that provided this document to them, if they desire further information. The information in this document has been obtained or derived from sources believed by Efficient Portfolio Ltd to be reliable, but it does not represent that this information is accurate or complete. Any opinions or estimates contained in this document represent the judgement of Efficient Portfolio Ltd at this time, and are subject to change without notice. © 2016 Efficient Portfolio Ltd.

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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Networking In Business and its Importance

The gathering of the clan (well, some of them) at the Chesterfield Networking Event in Mayfair – but is person-to-person business networking still worthwhile in the social media age?

Networking In Business and its Importance

We are constantly bombarded with advertisements, emails, status updates, special offers.  But do you ever feel that someone is making an actual effort to get to know you properly? Or do you feel just like you have lots of junk and out-of-touch nonsense rained down on you through your in-box?

Networking in business is the single most powerful marketing tactic used to increase and sustain success in any business. It provides the most productive enduring tactic to build relationships with other businessmen and women. To succeed you must continually connect with new people to grow your network.

“When trust between a divorcing couple is damaged, each needs professionals they can trust. So, to offer a divorcing couple the highest quality service we need to learn – through networking with other skilled professionals – who will work in the best interests of our clients.” Adriana Galimberti-Rennie – Associate Fellow, British Psychological Society and owner http://www.painlessdivorce.co.uk

What is peer to peer networking?

Networking is about making connections and building the foundations for a mutually beneficial relationship. The more people you include in your network allows the ability of the expansion of your sphere of influence. Making sure that it is mutually beneficial for both parties is key, as no-one wants to offer more than they get in return. Networking is also making sure as many people as possible know who you are and what you have to offer. Or at least that is the most common belief. But perhaps the real value of peer to peer networking is being able to connect with other professionals and business owners in an enjoyable way, focused on sharing good practice, ideas and support for each other?  Not only is that more fun than thinking “how many sales am I getting out of this?” – but it also can be more productive.

“People buy from people they know, like and trust, which means establishing relationships. One of the most effective forms of building relationships is to network with other professionals and businesses. Face to face networking on a regular basis provides a supportive community that you can learn from and share knowledge with. Being part of a community is an innate emotional need for all human beings”  Andrew Spence: Wellbeing Coach

Regular consistent networking, building ongoing relationships (not 1-hit wonders) through further events and social media interactions, not to mention 1-1 meetings to understand each others’ services in more detail, will often lead to referrals from your networking peers rather than direct sales.  But that’s OK!  In fact, having an unpaid team of referrers out there guiding prospective clients towards you, is a nice thing.  And of course, you will naturally do the same for them. Whether you are a senior executive or a politician, whatever your role, the skill of networking is worth taking time to develop. Carry it out as a habit, as it is something that needs to be ongoing. There is an almost endless supply of people out their each day for you to get in contact with.

“Be prepared to give and you will receive. It’s all about making the first move, about building a professional relationship and showing interest and that you have listened and not just tried to sell your services. I also network amongst my clients too. It also pays to build up local and regional relationships as people move around the country. It’s all about people and trust. Show you know and understand their business and personalise your communications. A CRM system is a must as there is a limit to what you can store in your head. This will help  when organizing events and ask invitees to bring x2 guests.”

Nigel Rowland, Financial Advisor

Why is it so Important?

Networking allows the chance to build personal relationships that enable you and your business to stand out, shine above all the others. People notice when you put the effort in on a personal level. Creating positive memories that people can refer back to, rather than just another email or voucher.

Think of personal relationships as a sort of catalyst. The people that you do business with will begin to not only like you but more importantly – trust you. By serving as a useful resource to people, this will benefit you through recommendations to clients or invitations to attend events which allows you to bond with other business people and potential customers. Creating a referral network is very important in the growth of any business.

“Networking and 1-1 chats offer me the opportunity to better explain how my favoured therapeutic tool, EFT Tapping and Counselling skills benefit those going through divorce. Emotions run high and physical health suffers; reducing stress and anxiety levels will only benefit and allow resolution to be achieved perhaps quicker and potentially with better results.” Susan Cowe-Miller: Hampshire EFT

How do I get more out of my peer to peer networking events?

Follow up with an email to the people you just met. This gives the impression that you are genuinely interested in their business and keen to start a collaborative relationship.

Take all those business cards that you have stored in the draw of your desk, which you tell yourself ‘I’ll do it later’ – and do it now. Add them onto a CRM like Hubspot (it’s free)

Connect with people as soon as you can by LinkedIn, twitter and/or other social media while its still fresh in your mind, but more importantly, still fresh in their’s.

There should be no reason why you have to reintroduce yourself again later. Make sure they remember you by reinforcing that initial connection. Most importantly, only do it if you have a passion for connecting and interacting with people. You really need to enjoy it, otherwise you could be potentially wasting time and energy on something you aren’t all that interested in. If you have a burning desire to build collaborative, mutually beneficial and enduring relationships with people… start with face to face networking. But remember – without the follow ups and continued connection through social media, you will not be getting the results you need for the time you spend networking.

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk/

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Infidelity: Julia Keys wants us to spy on each other

The wife of former Sky Sports presenter Richards Keys has claimed she spotted ‘telltale’ signs that he may be seducing another woman – as she wrote a book on infidelity.  A trained counsellor, she has now written a book called The Manscript, which helps readers to identify when their partner is cheating on them.

I hope that as a trained counsellor, Julia Keys will offer more in her book than how to increase the level of paranoia and fear in every couple who reads the book, where one of them has a nagging doubt about their spouse’s fidelity.  Next I imagine we will see ‘How To Spot An Adulterer’ as a TV series, and then maybe we’ll end up with a whole nation of both spouses each secretly spying on each other, searching for the ‘tell-tale signs’ that their beloved ‘until death us do part’ husband or wife, is shagging someone else.

But what good will it do?

From my own experience, I learned two big lessons from being on the sharp end of infidelity.

The first was that although the agony of rejection was worse that being physically beaten up – no-one could see the depth and scarring of the wounds of betrayal on the outside, which makes it a deeply lonely experience – the fact dawned on me after a few months of intense suffering that actually, I was still alive and functioning, no-one was dead, and maybe it was my attachment to the importance of fidelity that was the problem, and not the action itself?

When you are whole and sure of who you are, then infidelity does not have quite the same impact and so will not hurt as much. Everything hurts more if it touches on your insecurities. If you are secure in yourself then you are not so easily destroyed. Debbie Talalay: Debbie Talalay Healing

Personally, I don’t choose to be in an intimate relationship with someone who is having other intimate relationships elsewhere, not because it’s ‘wrong’ or means I’m ‘not enough’ – but because the quality of that relationship will be pants.  It’s hard enough to have a meaningful honest loving intimate relationship with one person – never mind having another one on the side.  I want grown up relationships – not ones that I use to make myself feel special and loved. I’ve learned that this is my job – not a partner’s job.  I’m responsible for how good I feel about myself, not them.

And that leads me to my second learning. What really began to cause me emotional pain wasn’t that we couldn’t trust each other anymore.  It was that he had not been brave enough to tell me that he wanted to have a relationship with someone else.  It was that horrible realisation that our ‘relationship’ was a mirage, an illusion, and perhaps it had never had any depth and strength to it at all.  We had just assumed love made strong relationships.  It doesn’t.  You have to put some work in.

The ‘work’ needed for relationships is not about sacrifice nor bullying your partner into behaving in socially acceptable ways (because insisting someone behaves a certain way ‘or you’ll leave them’ is actually a form of bullying) – it is about learning how to trust each another enough to tell the truth, even when that truth is painful to the person you love. 

I feel sad that someone can be so low in self-esteem as to keep ‘searching’ for proof of a possible infidelity; a punishing exercise….However I did have to find my proof; I knew that something was way wrong in our long marriage, sadly I was correct… learning to know ‘You’, is key; learning to trust can follow. Old habits can change and love, companionship and fun can be the result.  Susan Cowe-Miller: Hampshire EFT

Making a different choice

Wouldn’t it be amazing if instead of sneaking around making secret texts, your partner was able to sit down and talk about what’s going on for them, in a space of non-judgement and unconditional love?  And if the idea of that makes you laugh – just think about it.  We get the relationships we choose.  So what choices have you been making lately?

If your partner is using relationships to feel loved and special, then the problem isn’t that you have ‘failed’ to provide that sense of love and specialness.  Because it’s impossible.  They will seek forever to find it and never reach that place of peace.  Because it isn’t outside – they already have it inside them if only they could see it. So instead, why not choose relationships where your spouse is emotionally mature and secure enough to realise this, and build a strong and honest communication without fear or judgment, so spying on each other would become utterly redundant.  You’d just ask a question, and receive an honest answer.  Surely it can be that simple – can’t it?

Well…. not simple.  It takes some training.  Which is why Counsellors and Relationship Coaches have so much to offer.  These skills are rarely learned from our parents and so we need to find good teachers.  The Relationship Experts on the Alternative Divorce Directory spend time helping couples stay together, as well as to part in ways that build a strong and trusting relationship.

How can you ever trust them again?

I remember thinking “I’ll never trust him (or any man) ever again.”  That’s a shit place to be.  But if you focus on how you’ve been wronged, and paranoiacally search for evidence (possibly bringing in the kids to help you search on Facebook to spy on ‘that adulterer’ – I’ve seen it happen) – then what kind of world are you creating for yourself?  If someone lies to you they deserve your compassion, not your hatred.  Be glad you are not them.  If you want greater honesty in your relationship, you can’t use the truth as a weapon – making it your reason to leave. 

If a partner knows that by confessing their infidelity, you are going to end the relationship – of course they’re not going to tell you the truth based on those rules.  Sneaking about trying to prove them a liar (having set up the situation so that lying is going to be the most obvious choice if they want to remain in a relationship with you) – is never going to help relieve the pain of the truth, nor create solid foundations for a strong co-parenting relationship if you decide to split.

I learned through my co-parenting relationship – a totally new relationship, that slowly grew out of the ashes of the old one – that you can actually learn to trust again.  Not as a romantic partner, but as a father to my children, and someone who cares for his family deeply.  I learned that I could respect someone again whom I once despised, and that the level of honesty is founded on not only his level of emotional maturity, but also mine.

https://alternativedivorcedirectory.co.uk