stateofmined

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but maybe I am hard to love In my truest, but darling I love you, it hurts to see you clueless and hurt when you see me at my worst, I'd bury my feelings and wash them away just so you can breathe. I'd keep them all hidden in a book so you can love me freely. for you, I would.

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Thursday Love Poem

I’ll believe it only when I see it—

When my cold hands meet the sudden warmth

Of a tender, unexpected embrace.

Then I’ll know, oh love,

You’ve arrived quietly,

On an ordinary Thursday evening.

Everything fell into place so perfectly,

I just had to catch a glimpse

Of his soft, beautiful eyes.

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the color wheel

i live in black and white

so my sunshine is all gray

too deep in the wallows to figure out the color of the night

all i know is my spirit begs me not to stay

because the guilt creeping in and out my skin

remains a mournful shade of blue

and so i watch it countlessly begin

my futile search for a nameless hue

a hue that feels comforting and true

my loneliness comes with no color

it engulfs me totally so im left without sight

loneliness is a real mad killer

it eats and eats and laughs at my plight

but when i dissociate i turn brown

seamlessly i blend in with the crowd

as i wander aimlessly in another town

round and round and round

a few quick drinks and i turn pink

and they fade out, i'm back at the brink

and the brink is a cruel maroon

how many verses till the end of this harsh tune

and he was a bright blinding green

a stupid color that i wish was unseen

the house i grew up in was red

how i shriek when i see it again

and the yellow in me is long dead

the search for it always ends up in vain

or much worse it brings me pain

a pain more hurtful than any shade of red

but in the end of another tuesday

it all boils down to living in black and white

so i drown hopelessly in a dull gray

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I don't overshare for attention. I overshare because I have no impulse control and poor boundaries ♡

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:/

the music that plays in your head as you realize that no matter how hard you’ve worked to be better, you’ll always be accused of being manipulative

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Living with bpd is like watching yourself getting torn apart, burnt and gutted alive it’s just horrendous. You know why is it happening but there’s no way to stop it.

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I wear yesterday’s mascara

Harshly the sun hits me

As the damned cigarette burns my throat

Yet i take in another puff

Yet I mess myself up again

I cannot touch reality, trust me I tried

It is slipping away from me, trust me I tried

I let the world swallow me up

I can cry out once

I can cry out thrice

But I give up and give in

What am I in between all of this

One futile attempt to get myself together

But my breath is fully out of control,

a unpleasant Arpeggio

A pathetic attempt, why bother try

Welcome and

Goodbye

[stateofmined]

Took me until about halfway through college before I realized “study” means “play with the material in a variety of ways until you understand it” and not just “read the assigned chapters and do the homework” and I think that probably should have been discussed at some point prior to that.

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Death, a night's grasp,

Her viscera, porous and frail,

Screams, a feeble beacon,

Seeking salvation, she tears apart.

Like rays severed from a gust,

Death, a merciless refuge.

Among moonflowers, she's torn,

Her agony laid bare,

Her dress, a last cruel verse.

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these shameless rays of light

cant lift up the void thats been

kept folded deep in my heart

how i rip my guts each day

mutilated they remain

yet still why can't i succeed

freeing myself from these

chains i've bound myself into

and with each attempt i only freefall

and i can only feel the void grow

and this remains

this remains a futile search that fired back at me

am i misunderstood

for the intentions in my soul are carefree and good

what did i do so wrong or is this just being a human

is there a calendar i can cross the dates on

and one day when i wakeup and cross another box

the shameless rays through the beige curtains

welcome me into the warm embrace

the warm embrace of life i so long for

[stateofmined]

true happiness does not have a defined explanation it’s variable and thus volatile

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actually the fastest way to become someone you can live with is to accept the harsh truth that you will never be able to make everyone like you and this is a good thing. once you're free of the need to please everyone else you will finally start to figure out who you want to be.

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Franz Kafka, The Diaries of Franz Kafka

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ignorance is bliss has been yassified the past few days sometimes you dont have to know everything

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You don't have to behave angrily to convince people that you are.

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You know that Ada Limón poem where she’s like “i can’t help it i love the way men love”? my dad recently confessed to me that he became a shoemaker because they buried my grandma shoeless

oh…………………………………

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the sexual tension between a healthy portrayal of emotions vs me saying “i think i am going to die” everytime i feel a strong emotion