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Intro Continued 🙏

The above verse spoke volumes to me! When I was in my darkest state of mind, the energy was completely drained from my soul (or so it felt).

I didn't ever let my anger over power my being.

The best way to describe my state of being during that time, was very introverted, very quiet, very emotionless, very cold, very not in the moment, very distant.

Everyone has an "Aha!" moment. Mine was when my dad made a promise. A promise to none other than God. Basically this promise he made was a "Thank You", for giving him a 2nd chance at life.

He described it as being REBORN!

So, you mean to tell me that this almighty God, the one who everyone prays to, the "miracle maker", is STILL an almighty person to you AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH!? If he was so mighty why the hell did he let this happen to you?! You've never done a damn thing to deserve this!

So one day, I was waiting in line at the Taco Bell drive thru (I can't make this shit up), and I had my "Aha!" moment! I said, "Steph, get your shit TOGETHER. Stop being so damn miserable, so damn unhappy, so damn COLD! Your child deserves the happy you, the outgoing you!" (Must have been a long f*cking wait).

So the first thing I tried was journaling. I went out and bought a journal.

I took my journal everywhere! Wrote on my breaks at work, wrote before going to bed...

I HONESTLY and TRUTHFULLY wrote exactly what my days were like; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So, moving on. Besides writing, I made a personal decision to go to Church by myself; this was a personal growth journey, this was my journey, and mine only. I decided that since my dad never lost his Faith, I'd give it a 2nd chance. I did some research and found THE PERFECT CHURCH WITH THE PERFECT PASTOR!

I was in tears on Day One! It was a BEAUTIFUL experience! I hadn't cried in what felt like forever. When I left Church that day i felt like weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt taller! (even though I'm only 5'2, lol). I felt like myself again, and it felt NICE. I continued to go every Sunday alone for a whole year before I'd invite anyone to go with me.

Although the religion I chose was different than my dad's, and what I grew up around, he said to me, "As long as you have Faith in something GOOD, it doesn't matter what religion you choose to involved with"

"...Testing of your faith produces Perseverance"

I am not here to tell you writing and Faith cures all. I'm just here to place my grain of salt in what may be YOUR CURE for your "darkness". So long as you DEAL with it in a healthy manner, and FACE your demons, and GROW from your struggles, do what works for you. Find yourself again, be stronger than that darkness bringing you down.

Peace, Love and NAMASTE 🙏

[stephanie-leons-blog]

It's Introduction Time! Again...

It's been a while! 9..10..years I think?

It's good to be back!

Writing has been a great way for me to cope with and understand a lot of confusing and mumbled thoughts throughout the years.

The biggest life changing event for me getting into my early adult years, is when my dad had a stroke.

Imagine this. It's 5 am, you're in a deep sleep, and you hear your parent screaming your name in a way you've never heard it being called out before. You run to see what's going on, you find your parent lying on the ground practically unable to move, being in the most vulnerable state they have ever been in in their life, DESPERATELY asking and reaching for your help. Things happen a milliom miles a minute. Next thing you know you're rushing off to the hospital; where you wait for what feels like an eternity, only to find out your parent, your best friend, needs to go into emergency surgery because you just found out he had a hemorrhagic stroke and his life is slowly being taken from him...from YOU...just like that! How could this even be real? This has to be some really sick f*cking joke! You were JUST having pho with him the day before at your guys' favorite Vietnamese restaurant! What the F*ck is happening right now?! How?! But most importantly, WHY?! WHY HIM?!

Fast forward past the surgery, the induced coma for 12 days, the 2nd surgery, the rehab, the Dr's appoitments...the depression.

Thank God he survived! Thank God he made a recovery of about 85%!

You now have a new version of your parent, (what's important is that you have them period, of course).

..And now you're left alone with your thoughts. SO MANY unanswered questions after you're given a minute to breathe..to let it sink in.

Now you're mad at the world. You hate that this happened to your best friend. You don't know the first thing about caring for an adult as if they were a child. You don't understand medical terminology, you have to do this all while making time for your prenatal visits, because did i forget to mention this all happened when you were 4 months pregnant and expecting your first child?

So, now we're up to 2 major life events. (Phew! I wonder what my mental health is like?) My faith sure as hell isn't there! F*ck Faith! F*ck church! F*ck prayer! If that was so powerful, why in the F*ck was MY FATHER suffering?!

How does one cope? I chose to write, and do other things..

....to be continued

This is my journey. More to come.

How's that for an intro :)

[stephanie-leons-blog]

But please, do not force people to open up their hearts for you, because you might never know that there was a moment when they’ve told everything, yet ended up with trust issues. Eventually, they will speak, once they have the courage to.

Unripe //ma.c.a

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He happens to be my BEST FRIEND :)

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I love her old fashioned voice/look #60'sPin-up

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