sweethachi

[sweethachi]

damn i did end up remaking but in that process through a convoluted chain of events i came across smth unrelated that really fucked me up on a personal level so. i don’t have it in me to finish setting up my blog tonight. on the bright side i know for sure i’ll be able to fill my therapy session tomorrow w/o alluding to my d1s0rdered 3ating

[sweethachi]

a little PSA, if ur a low cal deficit, u need to have a refeed day (1500+ cals) every 2 weeks or ur metabolism will crash. once it does it will take months to recover from it.

[sweethachi]

honestly maybe i should use another acc bc i am legit growing attached to 3dblr & i’d like to actually be able to follow people 😭

the problem is i like having my nsft stuff as a main blog too :| and it’s annoying to be switching accs all the time

[sweethachi]

goals (all from pinterest)

[sweethachi]

oh yeah… i have therapy tomorrow.. this will be my 5th session where i don’t tell my therapist about my current weight loss arrangement 😇 for obvious reasons.. i’m honestly surprised i’ve managed to this long, in general it’s good i don’t have many people looking out for me irl bc i’m horrible at not oversharing, let alone straight up lying. but as it takes up more of my mental space it gets harder, i’m kind of scared for tomorrow because it’s been Such a focus & basis for my mood this week. i’ll find a way to avoid the subject tho even if it’s clumsy.

also she has little bags of chips in her office that she offers to me every time, and i realized i can’t keep rejecting it or she’ll get suspicious so i’m gonna have to start taking a bag and throwing it out when i go 😭 the risk of temptation sucks tho i might like. lick a single cheeto or smth before i put it in the bin 😅

[sweethachi]

i had something else to say but i put too much energy into writing the last post 😵‍💫 idk i’m gonna take a nap

[sweethachi]

thought i’d list my personal reasons for getting skinny.. er there’s not really many & it’ll probably all be 🔞 so. under a cut. (sorry. i cannot stress how much i live for sex & have nothing else going for me)

-to serve the man i’m seeing, to be good for & praised by him. obvi

-as stated in my pinned, i want to be more easy to throw around & completely overpowered. to be as tiny and delicate compared to any man i’m with as possible. the man i’m seeing is both shorter & (currently) lighter than me & i want to maximize any relative smallness i can get (which reminds me i need to ask him what he weighs again so i can make my corresponding gw more accurate =w=).

-the next time i see my dom (not the guy i’m doing the weight loss for. different guy. my dom is my primary partner.) i wanna surprise him with how skinny i am :3 he’s said before that he’s fine with my body as-is but i’m sure he’d be into it if i was skinny & i want to be as pretty for him as possible. i’d also be happy with him being concerned about me.

-also, this probably won’t be the case but it would be sweet if the next time i ate something deep fried/otherwise super high cal, it was his cooking :>

-i wanna look hot in the videos/pics my dom takes of me/us. i frequently watch the clips of him fucking me & i certainly like them a lot >w> but i get distracted by my fat rolls & overall how unflattering i look :< i wanna make him proud by producing the hottest possible p0rn for him.

-ditto to the above point w the guy i’m seeing, though not so much for his sake, in his case i just want to have hot p0rn of myself 😅

-in general i wanna be proud of any sexual content i make / am a part of. what got me considering relapse in the first place is the unhinged phase i had where i was recording myself doing debased stuff for strangers *non-stop* & id always have to trim down the footage so i was looking at my body soo much and feeling disgusted with it, knowing that they would like me better if i was thin. i’m trying to cut down on the sexting randos front but if i do it i want my body to be optimal. i want to be the perfect jack off material, i want guys to be hooked on me. i’m already fucked up in the head in the right way to make me depraved and desperate and willing to do anything, if i was skinny i think it would seal the deal. i want guys to be compelled to send my nudes/etc to their friends & post them online (presuming that doesn’t come back to bite me), i want to be irresistible as an object. i want to have a body worth showing off.

[sweethachi]

man i’ve really lost 20 lb & i feel like i look exactly the same :/ i gotta take some pics tomorrow to compare

[sweethachi]

ahhh the scale was finally nice to me again today! ^w^ only need to lose 0.2 more lb to meet quota this week (2.2 for the bonus) and i still have 3 days. ty mia!!

[sweethachi]

oh also yknow i was proud of myself for going so long w/o p.urging (esp when it involves wasting money on delivery) but it did genuinely make me feel better to have my lil sesh.

[sweethachi]

i feel like smoking on a swing set at night while listening to EAT by poppy is so 4n4core ✨ or whatever (esp since it was a way to avoid eating) i felt legally obligated to share

[sweethachi]

me: it’s super cool the way you can just decide not to eat even when you want food. wow i have so much willpower.

me an hour later: *ordering fast food for me to purge*

[sweethachi]

i just had the thought that i should have a lil CNY celebration for myself this year but like. wtf am i gonna do? eat mooncakes? eat dumplings? idiot.

[sweethachi]

[sweethachi]

i’m like dropping hints that you should be concerned about me 🩷

[sweethachi]

i’m SO glad i don’t work in food service anymore my brief stint w @ n@ while i was waitstaff was hell…. the work was hard enough as it is & i had to leave early once bc i just did not have the energy to push on. and of course being surrounded by food—accessible food—was pure torture. i would be good at lunch break but then once dinner shift rolled around i would repeatedly shovel shit into my mouth & then 👉👄 in the bathroom. we had full access to the ice cream bar, the cookies, we were welcome to snack on the entrees, we could eat any misfired order, sometimes one of my fellow waitstaff would just ask the cook to make us fries to eat on the job. one time i just ate a plain baked potato w my bare hands 😬 i straight up neglected my work at times (which was already prone to piling up and being stressful) bc i was stuck in this cycle. 0/10 would not recommend

[sweethachi]

it’s my lowest net cal day so far on this go, and wooooo i’m feeling dizzy @w@ i need to go bed . but also i feel lowkey manic i have so much random shit i wanna talk about