swirlyheart

[swirlyheart]

I feel incompetent

Like I need to be hard on myself otherwise I won’t succeed

Like I can’t make a difference if I’m not perfect

Like there’s so much left to achieve in such little time that it seems impossible

Impossible

What does that word really mean?

To say that something that's been achieved before isn’t possible would be a downright lie

If I really wanted to I could do so much more

But is that really true?

Just because I want to do something doesn’t mean I’m actually capable of it

To reach that level of capability I’d have to do so much more

Then there’s motivation

The idea of self-love seems twisted to me

Self-love seems sort of self-defeating

If I shower myself with love wouldn’t that make me feel okay with where I am now?

I’m not okay with that at all

I don’t want to be me

Not the me of today

I want to be the me that graduates from Georgetown University with an MD – maybe even a PhD

I want to be a me that can sit down and work no matter how they’re feeling

But how can I do that?

I feel lost

I feel stupid

I feel powerless

But I’m not

Maybe if I love myself in a way that motivates me it will work

I’m proud of you

You’ve come so far, who would’ve thought?

But you’re not done yet

I believe in you

Even if you feel shitty and worthless

Your worth will never depreciate

Trust me, it will all come to pass

I love you for being you and for working towards a new you

Go beat those excuses and lies you keep telling yourself

Go become the you that you aim to be

[swirlyheart]

Caffeine

Take a deep sip

How do you feel?

Nothing at first, but a tingly feeling slowly grows from your chest to your extremities

Your droopy eyes brighten up almost instantly with a newfound sense of energy

Initially its great, eliminating fatigue with a simple drink

Surely another sip won’t hurt

The tingly sensation increases, as does your pulse

You feel amazing, filled with energy

You bring your lips to the drink once more

Its wonderful, but its almost too wonderful

You start to feel more jittery than tingly, your pulse quickening in your chest

Are my hands supposed to be shaking?

Its strange how my chest feels, overwhelming almost

Maybe its too much to handle

Though the caffeine has already taken its toll as you feel your stomach contort painfully

You begin fidgeting with your hands to expend at least some of this overflowing vigor

Mind spinning with an abundance of thoughts, heart beating exceptionally fast to match

Your body is working overtime

Caffiene is not a substitute for sleep, its a drug to keep you awake

[swirlyheart]

It’s a lovely day

Waiting for the bus in the painfully cold climate, your breath creating clouds in the air

Listening to humorous and depressing music on your journey to school

Leaves littering the streets in little piles, the wind lifting up a few every once in a while

It's a lovely day

The familiar headache forming from the music you’re playing

The same repetitive daily schedule simply amounting to more and more work

Fighting to keep yourself awake in that awfully comfortable classroom

Bundling yourself up in your jacket in the other excruciatingly cold one

Its a lovely day

Frustration building up at your own incompetence

Enduring the pain of never amounting to your own expectations

Guilt flooding your chest like some dark parasite hell-bent on ruining you

The headache worsening and worsening

Its a lovely day

Tears stinging your eyes as you wonder why you’re even alive

Scolding your own self-destroying thoughts in hopes it’ll make you feel better

The heartbeat throbbing in your ears getting increasingly louder

Wanting to do something – feel something – other than wallowing in self-pity

Its a lovely day

Collapsing onto your bed with still-wet eyes

Sighing deeply into your pillow as the headache dies down

Threading fantasies of a life that will never come

Turning off the light with a heavy heart that’s too tired to evoke any more emotion

Sliding in and out of sleep while half-accepting your own existence

Its a lovely day