#//just in case considering it mentions max being. in a real bad state when they found him

[thefanficmonster]

The Five Scares (and one revenge)

Corpse Husband x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Swearing 

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having a tendency to scare people, Corpse has gotten used to his friends being jumpy whenever he appears from the void into a Discord call with them. However, the one who has it the roughest with the spooks has to be his partner Y/N. Basically: The five times Corpse scared Y/N and the one time they scared him

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your lovely request it was a real joy to write and I had a ton of fun doing so! Hope you have equally as wonderful of a time if you happen to come across it and give it a read despite the long wait you’ve had to endure which I apologize for. Love, Vy ❤

I

Having had to go home for the night to keep an eye on their roommate’s dog, Y/N and Corpse agreed to have a video call before they fell asleep. They didn’t want to appear like that typical clingy and cheesy couple but after spending almost a whole week curled up in Corpse’s apartment, the two would feel each other’s absence to a very saddening degree to the point where they’d even forget the other isn’t around and would call out to them. 

Letting the call ring, Y/N’s hand comes up to smooth out their hair. However, the touch reveals to them that their hair needs a bit more than a simple tap or a pat to be tamed so while they wait for Corpse to answer the call, they quickly head to their bathroom. Flicking the light on, their reflection greets them with the underwhelming news of the actual state of their hair at the moment: an absolute mess. They proceed to do their best with the single hair-tie they have handy. A bobby pin or two would be neat but they have no time to go and grab one right now, seeing as how they can’t recall if they even brought them back from Corpse’s apartment. If they didn’t, they would have to search their roommate’s room for some which would take an even longer amount of time.

Eventually, they manage to tame it in something closely resembling a presentable ponytail and exit the bathroom feeling more exhausted than before. With a loud sigh, they crash onto their bed, face-first into the sea of pillows, groaning at the slight sting of their muscles relaxing at last.

“Y/N?“ The decently loud mention of their name by a deep, familiar yet sudden and unexpected voice startles them to the point of squealing and jumping an entire inch away from where they were positioned.

They look around their room in a frenzy, wondering where on Earth that voice came from and how it could be here with them right now.

“Y/N, you there?”, before they could locate it, it emerges once again, helping Y/N get an ide of where it’s coming from - somewhere in the messed up bed sheets.

“Corpse?“ They finally find their voice, “Y-yeah I’m here. Question is: how are you...“ and then it all clicks, causing them to twist their face in an expression of utter disappointment and bury it in the palms of their hands, groaning.

“You forgot about the video chat, didn’t you?“ Corpse asks, amusement not even attempted to be hidden in his voice.

“Yup.“

II

It’s been one hell of a day. Y/N’s college lectures exhausted them to a max and their six hour job following their classes did nothing to help them AT ALL. Quite the opposite actually. Makes sense why they look, move and talk the way they’re doing right now: like a ghost, zombie and an elder combined in one. To add to their misfortunes for the day, they were met with the mocking ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign taped to the doors of the elevator, laughing in their face with the information that their hellish experience for the day is far from over.

Just the thought of having to climb to the fifth floor made their stomach turn in the most unpleasant way possible, but the though of how long that would take made matters even worse. Arriving at their designated apartment, they have every right to be pissed, cussing their heart out. 

However, then comes a new problem: the inability to pinpoint the correct key. They proceed to curse themselves, the keys, the door handle and the door itself before punching the poor wood that did no wrong and just stands here, serving its purpose of keeping unwanted people out of the apartment it’s guarding.

Following their anger outburst and front-door-abuse, they proceed to try finding the correct key once again, this time slightly more calmly as to not accidentally miss it in their frantic rifling.

Right as they’re about to try the third key, however, the door opens. Well, it’s opened by someone on the other side, that someone being none other than their boyfriend Corpse who’s currently staring at them wide-eyed, one eyebrow raised, the word ‘confused’ basically written across his face.

While he’s processing the sight in front of him, Y/N lets out a little scream, jumping back and away from the door, a hand placed over their chest as their wide eyes scan their boyfriend who now seems equally terrified as a result of their reaction.

“Corpse?!“ They manage to gasp, barely hearing their own voice over the loud thumping of their heart and the rush of blood in their ears, “What the hell are you doing here?!“

The confusion on Corpse’s face deepens, reaching whole new levels as his eyes gaze deeper into theirs, searching for the meaning behind their bizarre question. “You mean...at my own apartment? What am I doing, at home?“

For a few seconds, the two just stare blankly at one another, processing everything that’s just happened. Suddenly, it all just kinda caves for Y/N and they burst out laughing, doubling over, their arms clutching at their stomach as they do so. Their laughter is contagious, so Corpse can’t help but let out a few chuckles himself.

“Alright, you’ve been driven to insanity, I can tell.“ He mumbles at his reckless partner, coming up behind them and wraps his arms around them, lifting them up and carrying their laughing ass inside.

III

Finally deciding to sit down and get this damn project started, Y/N already feels like they’ve had enough of it, burnout already creeping in and threatening to ruin their work and trip them up every step of the way. It wouldn’t have been so bad had the subject not been one they absolutely despise and wish they could get out of studying but alas they’re stuck with it.

They equip their headphones as soon as they plant their butt on the desk chair in their tiny room in their tiny roommate-shared apartment, putting their Spotify playlist on shuffle as they open a blank Power Point document. They work better with music blasting in their ears since the silence tends to be too loud and distracting when they’re trying to focus. So, that way they can also sing their heart out in peace and not get disturbed by the sound of their own off-key singing. Win-win, basically.

Singing ‘Never Forget You’ by Zara Larsson and MNEK, they get a little carried away, ditching the project to enter a full-blown music video they can imagine down to the detail in their mind.

However, there’s a surprise awaiting them.

As soon as MNEK’s part of the song begins, another voice apart from his echoes through their headphones, singing along to the song. Freaking the fuck out, they let out a loud scream, smacking the headset off them, sending the object falling and landing on their laptop keyboard with a crash that only serves to further startle their roommate’s dog which comes to check if they are being attacked or something only to be disappointed by the lack of action.

When pushing the headphones off, they did so with a force strong enough to snap the cable out of the laptop entirely so now the room is filled with the sound of that same foreign voice laughing his ass off.

A voice that belongs to no other than Corpse Husband himself.

“You gotta learn to disconnect from Discord calls, Y/N.“ The fucker says, still cackling wholeheartedly at his partner’s misery.

Pissed off or not, Y/N would have to admit he’s got a point. But they’d also rather never speak again than admit it so...

“Fuck you!“ is what they say instead, seconds before disconnecting.

IV

Making breakfast is not something either Corpse or Y/N are used to, mostly cause they both either wake up late or skip the meal entirely. Regardless, having been given a day off from work and having no classes since it’s Saturday, Y/N saw no better way to start their day off than to prepare a nice breakfast for them and their boyfriend to enjoy. Problem is: they aren’t the most skilled in the kitchen. Sure they can scramble an egg or make mac and cheese, but in order to do it correctly they are not allowed to have distractions of any kind. Not even music, that’s how you know it’s serious.

Seeing as how Corpse has never seen them cook, he’s obviously unaware of theirs. The dummy straight up waltzes into the kitchen, unintentionally remaining unspotted and unheard by Y/N because he’s barefoot and because they have their back turned to him.

“Whatya cooking over there babe?“

Y/N’s focus bubble, being as thin as it is and considering they initially thought Corpse was still asleep, they have every right to let out the yelp they just did, dropping the egg they were gonna crack over the pan in said pan in its entirety - yes, shell and all.

A moment of silence commences: regretful on Corpse’s end and frustrated on theirs. Neither of them dares to say anything to avoid triggering the other. Well, that’s the case until Y/N decides enough’s enough and they turn to look at him, a wide, obviously fake smile plastered onto their face.

“Scrambled eggs, following a secret recipe, property of the L/N family.“

Seems like your pre-breakfast snack is an extra large dose of sarcasm, huh?

V

“So, how was your day? You sound pretty chipper so I take it wasn’t a nightmare like a few days ago.“ Corpse comments over the phone, listening to shuffling and shifting as Y/N moves around the apartment, getting ready to head out.

“It was great actually. Got some important results back and, not to brag or anything, but they were higher than I expected.“ They reply, a genuine wide grin refusing to leave their face as they silently count the amount of money they’ve got in their wallet. “I’m gonna go buy a cake so we can celebrate it. It’s no small deal, trust me, especially not when I initially thought I’d fail both these exams to the point of being pitied.“

“Wait...-“ Corpse attempts, his voice suddenly sounding strained and urgent but that’s the very reason he cannot seem to find or get the right words out of his system. Not that Y/N gives him any time to figure it out.

“No Corpse, you cannot change my mind. Cake and beers, we’re celebrating toni- SHIT!“ They scream as they throw open the front door, bumping square into someone standing on the other side, almost dropping their phone.

Taken aback by embarrassment and fear, they leap back, their eyes searching for the ones of the person whose personal space they just invaded. Well, to be fair, he was the one invading their personal space by standing right outside the door to their - well, to Corpse’s apartment.

The fear and irritation die down almost instantly when Y/N recognizes the person standing opposite them.

“Mind telling me why we’re talking on the phone when you could’ve come in and we could’ve had a normal person conversation?!“ They snap, ironically enough - they’re still holding the phone to their ear.

So is Corpse whos is smiling guiltily, “That’s why I called, I forgot my keys, but I got...carried...sorry.”

Well, at least this serves as proof Y/N’s not the only forgetful one.

                                                            ~  ~  ~

Corpse has been stuck in his recording room for four hours now, never stopping his stream to take care of his basic human needs such as eating or going to the bathroom. This behavior of his has Y/N worried sick and unable to focus on the task at hand - an assignment they’ve been trying to finish for two hours now, sitting with their computer on their lap and looking hopelessly at the blank Word document waiting for them to fill it up while they are waiting for it to start writing itself.

Seeing as how neither are gonna happen, not until Y/N puts their mind at ease, they slowly put the laptop aside, standing up to carefully skip on over to Corpse’s recording room to check on him, stopping by the kitchen to grab him a snack and a bottle of water along the way.

The door to the darkened room is open a crack, as usual, suggesting they can enter without knocking - this also means he’ll probably not hear them even if they knock so the whole gesture would be pointless. Not that Y/N has a tendency to knock or anything... Waltzing in, they find that the only light in the room is the very faint and dark glow of the computer screen which is displaying a dark and dingy room from a first-person view of the protagonist of whatever game Corpse’s currently playing.

“Corpse?!“ They whisper-yell/hiss at him, trying their best to grasp his attention without startling him - they don’t need to be told that the game is of the horror genre and the last thing they need is for their boyfriend to flip backwards and fall out of his chair because they scared the shit out of him. “Hey?!“

Neither attempts prove futile so, despite their best instincts telling them differently, they walk over to him and tap him on the shoulder. The reaction, while within the realm of expectancy, is a lot more startled than they expected, accompanied by a scream on top of all. They’d never heard him scream in fear before, it’s quite amusing if they’re being honest.

They suppress a snicker as Corpse’s wide open eyes meet their squinting ones in the darkness, “Y/N...babe...what is it? Is everything ok?”

Y/N rolls their eyes, “No, everything isn’t ok. Your unhealthy habit of forgetting to take care of yourself, for example.” They put the snack and the bottle on the his desk, giving him their best disappointed-parent look before turning on their heel to strut their way out of the room. However, just as they are about to make their exit, they stop right at the doorframe, giving their stunned one final glance over their shoulder with a smug smirk playing across their face, “Oh and by the way, that’s what I like to call revenge.” Just like that, they leave, pushing the door back into its previous position.

And boy, is it some sweet, sweet revenge.

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[givemethatgold]

Fix’er Upper Pt. 1

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x F!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of past abusive relationship

Length: 1.4k

Notes: Okay, here we go! Giving our babe Frankie an ending he deserves, with a few bumps along the way for fun. Divider by @firefly-graphics 💛

It was almost comical, you thought, at how different the realtor's listing was, compared to the real thing. You’d seen it enough times in bad Hallmark romances: city girl buys a property, property is falling apart, city girl miraculously has the funds to fix it up with the help of the perfect farmer neighbour.

This was reality though and you had already poured your life’s savings, which amounted to very little after all the surprise debts had been paid off, into this farmhouse. 

The "Quaint New England farmhouse, filled with the patina of a bygone era" was a wreck. Nothing to be done about it now, though. The crumbling two-story, just a few minutes drive from the small Vermont town, hadn’t been occupied in over a decade and was now in a total state of disrepair. 

Swallowing back your tears, feeling the burn behind your eyes and the hot swelling in your throat, you told yourself there wasn’t time for a breakdown. You first needed to take stock of the depth of damage, decide which rooms were habitable enough for the time being, clean, unpack, and prepare yourself for this new life.

The next few hours went by in an exhausting blur. By late evening, there was a larger-than-expected pile of rotten, broken, or otherwise unusable furniture in the driveway; your meager few belongings taking their place. On top of renovations and remodeling it appeared you would also be refurbishing. 

Sitting on the porch in the one spot where you felt confident the decking wouldn’t crumble beneath your weight, you looked over your list.

 3 cracked windows (can wait?)

 no running water in kitchen (ASAP FIX!)

 missing shingles (bad??)

 deck boards and upstairs bedroom floorboards rotten

 carpeted bathroom

 questionable smell coming from attic space 

peeling wallpaper/paint EVERYWHERE

Folding the list and slipping it into your back pocket, you made your way back inside to discover one last glaring issue, previously unnoticed until now. The electricity had been shut off.

Well, fuck me sideways...

Deciding it was too late and you were too tired to deal with anything else today, you settled for the flashlight on your cellphone for light. Eating the apple you had nicked from the motel lobby the night before, you laid back in your makeshift bed on the floor and gazed around your new home.

Your home.

The first thing you had ever owned on your own.

First, the corner of your mouth quirked up then you quickly allowed it to flourish into a grin. It may be a piece of shit, but then again, you were always attracted to broken things with the innate need to fix them. Maybe this time you’d actually succeed. With that sobering thought, you settled down into your sleeping bag and were quickly asleep.

Frankie couldn’t believe his eyes when he drove past the old McClure farm. Some fool had actually bought it! Chuckling to himself, he could already imagine the gossip that would spread through town tomorrow, everyone clambering to find out who had moved in.

He had moved out this way five years ago and was still considered the “new guy” in town. Hopefully, the new arrival would take that mantle and everyone could start using Frankie’s actual name. 

He’ll probably just be dubbed “newer guy”...

Breathing out a huff of a laugh at the thought, Frankie began to turn down his driveway. The long, meandering drive leads to a barn surrounded by rows and rows of apple trees.

Two weeks after having moved in, you’re certain you’ve met, or at least seen, everyone from the town. Muffins, pie, casseroles, and even a case of cider had been brought over by a few of the braver townsfolk who drove out to say hello. While they may have been thinly veiled excuses to come snoop, you couldn’t find it in yourself to complain. The food was delicious, and best of all, it was free.

She had stayed for most of the afternoon, helping you clean and setting her kids about to do menial chores. The eldest, Cole, was sent scurrying up the road to tell his dad to bring Gerta. ... You dared not ask.

The very first visitor was a neighbour from just down the road. “Jacquie,” she had informed you over the noise of her four kids running around the yard, “How do you do?”

She said it with the barest hint of a southern drawl and you instantly fell in love with the soft cadence of her voice. With a beaming smile and a surreptitious wipe of your dusty hand on your pant leg, you shook her hand and introduced yourself. 

A short time later, the most devastatingly handsome, all-American-looking man you had ever seen climbed out of a tractor and started carrying a large object towards the house, Cole at his heels. 

“Jac, babe, where d’you want her?” He called, voice straining a bit due to the weight in his arms. Smiling at you, he nodded his head in greeting, "Hiya, neighbour! The name’s Mark"

“Oh, I don’t need it,” Jacquie replied airily “I just wanted an excuse to watch your muscles at work.”

With a roll of his eyes, that did nothing to hide the adoring sparkle in them, her husband carried his load to the side of the house and with a thump, set it down.

Turns out that Jacquie had a fondness for naming EVERYTHING and Gerta was their gas-powered generator. Claiming they had no use for it, Gerta was yours to keep for as long as you needed her. Which, you had to be honest, was looking like a good long while. Willing away the tears, not for the last time you were sure, brought on by her kindness, you settled for giving her a bear hug. It wasn’t until you heard a little voice calling “Mama?” that you realized you had been clinging to Jacquie for longer than could ever be considered acceptable.

Pulling away gingerly, you started to apologize, quickly stopped by her hand coming up in front of your face, making you involuntarily flinch. 

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry!” She started to exclaim before taking a deeper look at you. Then, without breaking eye contact, she tilted her head to the side and hollered at Mark to gather the kids and head home.

“I’ll be back past bedtime, so come give me y’all kisses now!” She lovingly bossed her brood.

Once they had cleared out, she turned to you, gently taking your hands in hers, and said, “Now, where do you want to start?”

“What kind of voodoo, witch doctor, hippy-dippy magic do you possess?!” you asked with a laugh while sniffing back the lingering tears. 

You had just laid out your entire life to a complete stranger. She had sat there, the whole time, holding your hands and your gaze while you had talked. Everything, you had told her absolutely everything. From the California upbringing in an affluential family to marrying your Highschool Sweetheart days after graduation. The sudden move, his surprise enlistment, his changing demeanor, the beginnings of abuse, all ending with his death while stationed overseas.

The pathetic Death Gratuity from the military barely covered the truck. You’d had to sell everything in order to settle all remaining debts. Your parents had offered to move you back home but the thought just made you ashamed. Moving back home? Being seen as a victim, being pitied by those who had seen your potential wasted? No way.

“Nothin’ supernatural, Darlin,” she assured you, after taking a deep breath to steady herself. It appeared that your emotions had started to affect her as well, you noticed with chagrin. “just the power of a good friend and a strong cider.”

Then came the aftermath. The debt collectors, the funeral without a body, his family claiming anything of value and you meekly allowing it, unaccustomed by that point to standing up for yourself. His grooming of you had started so early, and so slightly, that no one had seen it happen. He had controlled every aspect of your lives; it had made you feel like a fool during that first month as a widow. How could you not know about the multiple maxed-out credit cards? The ignored truck payments? The bank loans?! 

That comment made you look around and laugh, breaking the morose atmosphere in a flash. Scattered around the two of you were at least a half dozen bottles of the alcoholic beverage, which you had both sipped on during your sad monologue.

“Ahh, so it’s the maker of the drink I’ll have to kiss,” you proclaimed with a laugh. “I just saved a fortune in therapy bills!”

With a sly smile, Jacquie nodded, “That you will, send him my best when you do.”

Part Two

[esmealux]

The Devil Doesn’t Do Children

Part: 2 / ?

Setting: About a year after 5a

Word count: 3.5K

Rating: T

Summary: ‘I certainly did not choose to impregnate the Detective, Doctor!’ In which Lucifer doesn’t know how to cope and goes to see the one person who might be able to help him. 

Warnings: Mention of death, murder (and, quite indirectly, foeticide)

When Chloe parks the car a little outside the film set, Lucifer has finally got his thoughts and the threatening sensation in his chest under control. He had stared silently out of the window the entire ride, calculating, weighing the different possibilities; which one was more likely—him impregnating her after being sterile since the dawn of time, or her getting food poisoning from a hole in the wall filthier than medieval England? The latter. Definitely the latter. It is the only logical—nay, possible explanation. He has no doubt.

But then she asks him to get her a gum from her glove box (she still has a bad taste in her mouth), and when he looks inside the small space to find the pack she always keeps there, something catches his eye, something pink and flat, something he usually associates with mood swings and five days of limited access—something that reminds him she’s more than a week late.

He grabs the gum between his fingers and hands it to her, smacking the glove box shut as if it will erase what he just saw and the distressing epiphany it led to. He searches for alternate explanations in his panicking mind, something, anything, that will ease his returned and now stronger fear that she’s… That they’re… But he comes up with nothing. Just obscure theories that even he will admit are far-fetched.

He doesn’t say anything—not because he knows she doesn’t want to have the conversation on their way to talk to a potential suspect, but because he can’t. So he just follows after her like a lost puppy, until they’re suddenly sitting in a cramped trailer, facing former child-star, current man-child Max Steinfeld.

‘Why did you walk away when we asked you about Laura?’ Chloe asks the actor. He had fled? Lucifer hadn’t noticed. Then again, he’s not entirely sure he would have remembered if they’d been in a car chase, or a gunfire.

The sad example of a man slides a tabloid towards them in response to the Detective’s question. The front page shows a picture (undoubtedly shot by a paparazzo) of him and Riley walking down the street hand in hand, smiles plastered on their polished Hollywood faces. Next to the headline promising insight in ‘all the details about the magical wedding,’ there’s a close-up of an offensively distasteful diamond ring.

Lucifer sees a chance at escaping the cacophony of disturbing thoughts in his head and takes it. ‘What, because you’re marrying Miss Riley and didn’t want a murder case spoiling your-’ he takes the magazine and swiftly flips through the pages till he finds the right one, ‘uber-romantic seaside wedding? Is that it?’ Lucifer leans a little forward and stares intensely into the man’s eyes, his best cheshire grin playing on his lips. ‘Come now, Maximillian, what is it you truly desire?’

‘I…,’ he begins, not blinking as he’s sucked into Lucifer’s stare, ‘I want to stop pretending.’

‘Pretending that you didn’t kill an innocent woman because you put a bun in her oven?’

Steinfeld’s brows draw together in confusion before they arch up in worry and disbelief. ‘Laura’s… dead?’

Lucifer’s just about to call him out on his charades, when the Detective jumps in and confirms that she was found in her home, stabbed to death.

Max’ face turns white. His jaw goes slack. Then a cry of raw agony fills the confined space.

*

Once Steinfeld has calmed down enough to continue the conversation, Chloe decides to go easy on him and begins by asking him where he was between 9 and 10 PM last night.

‘With Moni,’ he says, looking almost ashamed. ‘I had a date with Laura—we were gonna see each other for the first time in weeks—but she didn’t turn up. I figured she was still mad.’

‘Mad?’ Chloe prompts him to elaborate.

‘Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly handle the whole pregnancy-thing very well. I couldn’t- I just- I panicked.’

‘So you killed her,’ her partner concludes beside her. She gives him a stern look and a reprimanding ‘Lucifer.’ He ignores her.

‘No! I would never hurt her! I love her,’ Steinfeld tells them, all kinds of emotions swimming in his eyes. ‘But when she told me, I just couldn’t… deal with it, so I ignored her, for five weeks. One thing was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m-’—he gulps and takes a deep breath—‘was gonna be a dad, but I also had no idea how I was gonna tell them.’

Chloe is just about to ask who he means by ‘them’ when Lucifer opens his mouth. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. I’ll refer to them as Mx Riley from now on.’ He sounds genuinely apologetical. Chloe side-eyes him, confused.

‘What? No,’—Steinfeld shakes his head—‘Moni goes by “she”. I meant the studio. They made us sign a contract at the beginning of production in which we agreed to pretend to be a couple in public to-’

‘Build hype around the movie, sell more tickets and boost your personal career?’ Chloe finishes. She’s familiar with the concept. 

‘Yeah, something like that,’ Steinfeld mutters and rubs his brow, his hand still visibly shaking from the shock. ‘But I was growing tired of it. I like Moni, she’s one of my best friends, but nothing more than that, and what I had with Laura was so… real. It was all pretty new, but she made me happy. I wanted her in my life—to share my life with her. Still, I was nowhere near ready to have a baby with her, to become a dad! I mean, I still have a bad reputation in the business, I’ve spent all my savings on drugs and alcohol and a mansion I can’t afford, and sometimes I get so stressed I don’t eat for days. How am I supposed to take care of a kid?’ His voice is laced with frustration and tears stream down his stubbled cheeks. She expects Lucifer to scoff at the ‘dramatics’, or at least show some kind of disapproval of the emotional display, but he doesn’t.

‘Look, I get it,’ Chloe says, laying her arms on the table. ‘When I was pregnant, me and my ex-husband were absolutely terrified too.’

She senses Lucifer looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She’s not sure why, or what it means, so she ignores him and continues.

‘Is that why you did it? Did you go to her place when she didn’t show up for your date and then when she brought up the baby you lost your temper? You got scared?’ She wills her voice to be calm, knowing the man is vulnerable.

Max frantically shakes his head. ‘No! No, more the opposite! I was gonna tell her that I loved her and that I was gonna try. That’s why I went to Simone’s when she didn’t show up. Moni knew about Laura, what she meant to me, so I went to her to talk about how we could escape this fucked-up PR stunt controlling our lives,’ he points angrily to the smiling picture of him and Riley on the cover of the tabloid, still on the table. When he continues, his voice is calmer, but also more emotional, ‘so we could be free, and I could do right by Laura… and our baby.’

Chloe turns to look at Lucifer—to see if he, too, believes Steinfeld is innocent—only to discover that her partner is glowering at the now frightened man across from them. Lucifer is breathing heavily, his fist clenched between them, his knuckles white. His voice is sharp and venomous when he speaks, almost hisses, ‘How exactly were you gonna do right by them? How could you just accept that you were gonna be a… a father, even when you knew, in every cell of your damned body, that you couldn’t?’

He’s standing now, his tall frame shaking, heat rolling off him. She reaches for his hand to calm him down (Steinfeld has faced enough trauma today as it is), but he quickly draws it back, as if he’s burnt by her touch. His eyes remain brown and his face smooth and tan, anthropomorphic—still, a lump settles in her throat. Before she can say anything, he speaks again, his voice lower now, only a few octaves from demonic and flaming with something she can only describe as wrath. Wrath and pain. ‘How could you ever pretend to love something you never wanted?’

He storms out of the trailer, surprisingly elegantly considering his emotional state. She excuses herself to Steinfeld and rushes out to talk to her partner, comfort him, ask him what the Hell is going on.

But he’s gone.

Vanished.

Sighing, she bends down to pick up a large, silky feather from the ground.

*

The door bursts open, the hinges shrieking in protest as it slams against the wall and knocks down a picture frame in the process. Linda takes a deep breath and slowly turns around to face her intruder. ‘Lucifer, what have I told you about barging-’

The words get stuck in her throat when she sees him. His hair is dishevelled, his clothes wrinkled and disarranged. A dash of colour is missing where a pocket square usually sits and completes his outfit—whether he lost it without noticing or he didn’t pick one out in the first place, she can’t tell, but either way, it’s concerning. Even more so when combined with his face. Oh God, his face. He looks pale, too pale—ghostlike. His pupils are mere specks, his eyes manic. His chest heaves rapidly as he takes in short, ragged breaths.

Last time she saw Lucifer in a state similarly chaotic, dark, leathery wings were sticking out of his back. Before she can ask him what’s wrong, his tremulous voice fills her office.

‘The Detective’s pregnant.’

Not what she’d expected, but his reaction seems about right.

She goes to his side to help him sit down on the couch, pours him a glass of water, and doesn’t sit down till she’s made sure he’s drunk some. Once in her chair, she takes a deep breath, partly to prepare herself for the incoming conversation and partly to make Lucifer mirror her so they can get some oxygen to his head. She’s not sure if angels can pass out, but she’s not gonna take the risk.

‘Okay,’ she says calmly, ‘and how do you feel about it?’ The question sounds kind of absurd as he’s sitting there, practically radiating distress. Nevertheless, he needs to put his feelings into words.

‘How do you think I feel about it, Doctor?’ he growls.

She doesn’t answer that. Instead, she looks at him with a slight smile and raised eyebrows, inviting him to tell her.

‘I feel betrayed, for one,’ he spits, feeding her plant with the sparkling water she’s provided him—before emptying his flask into the glass and taking a large gulp.

‘By whom?’ she asks.

He glares at her and takes another sip. ‘My father, obviously.’

Linda suppresses a sigh of frustration. She’d thought God coming to Earth and their subsequent bonding time had finally made Lucifer bury his manipulative daddy issues. Guess she was wrong. ‘What do you think your father has to do with Chloe getting pregnant?’ She doesn’t miss how he winces at the last three words before his face sets into taut lines.

‘Oh, I don’t know, Doctor.’ His voice is thick with sarcasm. ‘I mean, it’s not like he has ever sent down one of his pathetic thralls to “bless” a barren couple with a spawn.’

‘How are you so sure you’re infertile?’ she asks him with narrowed eyes, leaning back in her chair. They’d thought Amenadiel was infertile, but she has 31 pounds of pure joy at home to disprove that. 

‘Well, it’s simple maths,’ he replies. She gives him a curious and mildly sceptical look, and he leans forward, putting his now half-empty glass down on the table. ‘Right, I’ve been practicing safe sex since the first ever condom came about—you know, for the sake of my lovers’ health—but condoms are only 98% effective at preventing conception, and the ancient prototypes were much worse, which means that, had I not been sterile, I would have fathered one hundred thousand children, give or take, throughout history, and I haven’t. I would have noticed; they would have flocked around me like little rats to get a piece of my fortune every time I appeared on Earth. Ergo, infertile.” He gestures towards his crotch with a dead-serious expression.

‘Right,’ she says, forcing herself to look at his face. ‘And what makes you think that that trait, or whatever you wanna call it-’

‘I call it a blessing,’ he interrupts her, the slightest glint in his eye as he peers at her from over the brim of the drinking glass.

‘What makes you think it’s everlasting?’ she asks him, a theory suddenly forming in her mind.

He furrows his brow. ‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Well, you’re not completely immortal anymore,’ she reminds him, her eyes shifting to his thigh where his first (not self-induced) scar is covered by his creased suit pants. He sends her a hurt look. ‘What a positively shitty way of trying to cheer me up,’ he huffs before downing the remaining liquor.

‘What I mean is,’ she begins to clarify, ‘what if your infertility is like your immortality?’ She lets the words sink in before she continues, ‘What if your aversion to having children, to becoming a dad, has affected your ability to physically father a child? But just like you chose to be vulnerable around Chloe, you’re now choosing to have a baby with her, to grow your family.’

He scoffs, almost laughs, but there’s no trace of humour in it. Only torment. ‘I certainly did not choose to impregnate the Detective, Doctor!’

‘Maybe not on a conscious level,’ she argues. ‘But maybe after the personal development you’ve been through, after seeing you’re worthy of being loved, not just by Chloe but also by Trixie, you’re finally realising, somewhere deep inside, that you’re also worthy of being someone’s dad.’

‘That is…’ he whispers, gazing out into empty air with a thoughtful expression, only to ultimately conclude, ‘absolutely preposterous!’ He sends her a dirty look, as if he’s accusing her of humbug. ‘I don’t want to be someone’s dad, Doctor—I don’t want a baby! The Devil doesn’t do children. I despise them. Always have. You know that.’

‘That doesn’t mean you always will. I mean, do you despise Charlie?’ She waits a couple of beats, watching him intently. ‘Do you despise Trixie?’ She nods in the direction of his chest, knowing his phone is in his breast pocket, nestled against his heart, the screen lighting up with a picture of himself and his two favourite girls every time he gets a notification.

‘Your son appreciates my devil face,’ he defends, ‘and the Detective and her offspring are a package deal.’ Linda knows he tries to appear indifferent, but he can’t hide the fondness suddenly twinkling in his eyes. If Linda wasn’t sure before, she’s now absolutely positive that Lucifer loves Trixie nearly as much as he loves her mother. She sees it all the time; it’s in the way his eyes flash red with hellfire when Trixie is hurt or sad; it’s in the way his chest puffs out with pride whenever he talks about her; it’s in his jealous stare when she and Dan laugh at an inside joke; it’s in his jubilant eyes when he’s the one who makes her laugh; it’s in the immense effort he constantly makes to always be there for her, to never disappoint her.

‘You might call them a package deal, Lucifer,’ she says softly, making him look at her, ‘but they call you family.’

He’s snatched the empty glass from the table and is now nursing it in his hand, unintentionally mimicking his nephew with his security blanket. His eyes are downcast, but she can tell his heart swells at the mention of the F-word. He’d dropped by her place about a month ago, shock all over his face. ‘The urchin referred to me as her family,’ he’d said. Linda had smiled and replied with a simple ‘Of course she did’. As narcissistic and self-indulgent as he is, he is surprisingly oblivious to other people’s affection for him. Then again, what else could you expect from a person who was abandoned by his parents, literally pushed into the abyss, and for eons deprived of any kind of love?  

With Lucifer’s background in mind, Linda steers the conversation back to his feelings about Chloe being pregnant. ‘If you’re being completely honest with yourself, Lucifer,’—she stares at him until he lifts his head and looks her in the eyes—‘what do you think is the main reason you’re having this reaction to Chloe being pregnant? Is it because you don’t want children?’ She lets him think for a couple of seconds before adding, ‘Or is it because you’re afraid you’ll let your child down like your dad let you down?’

Sadness flashes across his still ashen face before the muscle in his jaw flexes and hot fury fills up his eyes. ‘My father didn’t let me down,’ he snarls, putting the glass down with an alarming clank, ‘He banished me from my home and sent me to Hell—after my mother wouldn’t let him kill me! No words cover that immense extent of neglect, Doctor. That cosmic measure of betrayal!’ His voice is shrill and rough as he shouts the last word, accompanied by the jarring sound of the drinking glass shattering to a million pieces as it collides with the wall behind her.

Lucifer takes a few heavy breaths and, once he’s gotten his anger somewhat under control, pointlessly adjusts his jacket and straightens his spine. ‘No one should have to endure even a fraction of that,’ he tells her, appearing strangely remorseful. ‘Especially not an innocent child.’

And there it is.

‘You are not your dad, Lucifer,’ she reminds him. ‘Or your mom. You’re not gonna abandon your child. You’re not gonna hurt them.’ She waits till he looks up at her (his brown eyes are so sad it makes her chest ache) before she says, ‘You’re gonna love them with every piece of your heart and go to the ends of the earth, or Hell, to protect them, because that is who you are. Maybe you weren’t that person when you cut your wings off on the beach eleven years ago, and maybe not even when you first started assisting the LAPD. But that’s who you are now. Just ask Chloe and Trixie.’ She would add all the other people around him who know this to be true, who know him, but there are only two people whose opinions matter to him in this case. 

He doesn’t answer. His lips part, a smidgen of hope and belief appearing in the sea of fear in his eyes.

‘You referred to it as a “blessing” before, the fact that you couldn’t have children.’ He grimaces at the past tense. ‘Based on that, I assume you think having a child would be a curse?’

He raises an eyebrow, questioning her intelligence.

‘Right. But why do you think that is? I mean, if you think about it, is it really so bad that you and Chloe are having a baby? Someone who’s a beautiful mix of the two you, created out of your love for each other?’

He stops tending an invisible spot on her couch to look up at her. Colour has returned to his face, and the anger from before is gone; only a crease of worry remains. He looks tentative, but not scared to his core like earlier, his gaze warm and soft.

‘I…’ he says, musing. After a few seconds of silence, he answers, ‘To be frank, Doctor, I don’t know.’ His lips settle into a crooked line, stuck between a smile and a frown.

Linda lifts a friendly brow, her own lips tugging up at the corners. ‘Can’t know till you try, right?’

‘Right,’ he admits. It’s still not exactly a smile she sees on his face, but it’s close enough.

‘Have you talked to Chloe about all this?’ she asks him.

‘I haven’t, no. Do you think I should?’

Linda blinks, a little dumbfounded he’s even considering it an option not to talk about his fears with the woman who’s carrying his baby.

‘I’m joking,’ he says then, the smallest of smirks playing on his lips. ‘Of course I’m gonna talk to her! I just thought it best to, you know, sort out my own thoughts on the matter first.’

‘Oh,’ she mutters, realising she might not give him enough credit. He really has come a long way since their first session. ‘That’s very mature of you, Lucifer,’ she praises him.

The minuscule smirk from before spreads out into his cheshire grin. ‘What can I say? All good people know everything below an M-rating is boring and worthless.’

He smooths his pants over his thighs and checks his cuffs before standing and walking to the door. Just before he leaves, he turns to her with newfound courage in his eyes and says, ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a detective I need to have a chat with.’

Part I |  Part III | Part IV (coming soon)

[whitehotharlots]

Previewing the 2024 Democrat Primary

Within a couple weeks of his being sworn in, just about every person on earth will wish Joe Biden was no longer president. Sure, the few surviving John B. Anderson voters will be thrilled to see 4 years of crushing austerity and half-assed attempts at Keynesian stimulus. But most people will begin dreaming about a brighter future.

Good news! The 2024 Democratic primary field is going to contain dozens of options. Bad news! They are all going to be disgusting piles of shit. 

The “top tier”

While it’s too early to do any handicapping, these are the candidates the media will treat as having the most realistic chances of securing the nomination. 

Kamala Harris

Kamala did not win a single primary delegate in 2020. This is because she dropped out before the first primary, and that was because no one likes her. She has no base beyond a few thousand of twitter’s most violent psychos. Her disingenuousness approaches John Edwards levels: any halfway incredulous person can see immediately beyond her bullshit. She has no principles whatsoever, and while that may be par for the course for Democrats, she lacks even the basic politician’s ability to intuit anything that might, hypothetically, constitute a principle. 

Even better: she is an awful public speaker. She sounds like how a talking dog would speak if he were just caught stealing people food off the kitchen table. She communicates in weird grunts and faux sassy squeaks, which is how she imagines real black women sound like, but something about her is unable to sell the bit. She begins her sentences in halfhearted AAVE, stops and panics halfway through as she realizes that maybe this sounds fake and offensive, and then reminds herself oh wait, no, this is okay since I’m black. This doesn’t happen once or twice per speech. This is how every single sentence sounds. 

Kamala is like Nancy Pelosi in that no sketch show will ever impersonate her correctly, because anything that came close to authenticity would be considered far too cruel. This might benefit her in the primaries, as she exists in the minds of Democrats as someone and something she absolutely is not in reality. Nominating her would be like allowing your child’s imaginary friend to attempt to drive you to the store. 

Andrew Cuomo

Easily one of the 50 worst people alive, Cuomo has a solid chance because Democrats, same as Republicans, are unable to differentiate between electability and self-serving ruthlessness. Cuomo used the deadliest public health crisis in American history as a pretext for cutting Medicaid and firing 5,000 MTA workers, and his approval rating increased. New York Dems are little piggies who love eating shit. If we assume that the political media will continue their habit of refusing to discuss the legislative history of right wing Democrats, Cuomo might well cruise to the nomination and then lose to literally any human being the GOP nominates by an historic margin. 

Joe Biden

The party loves him because he is a right wing racist. “Progressives” tolerate him because black primary voters over 40 supported him, and their opinion is supposedly a magic window into god’s truth. Everyone else can tell he is manifestly senile. I don’t put it above the DNC to pick a candidate who is in horrible health, dying, or even dead--whatever the financial sector wants, they’ll get. But I would be shocked if his approval rating is above 39% by mid-2023, and by that point deep fake technology will be advanced enough they’ll put out a very lifelike video in which the Max Headroom version of Joe explains he’s proud of his accomplishments--that budget’s almost balanced already--but, man, I gotta abd--I gotta abdica--, uhh, I gotta, I, uhh, I gotta move down, man. 

Wild Cards

These candidates would have all have a chance if they ran, but they could all much more easily retire to Little Saint James off of kickbacks they’ve gotten from Citibank and I.G. Farben. 

Rahm Emanuel

Rahm is going to receive some hugely influential post in the Biden administration. Let’s say he becomes Secretary of Education. His signature achievement will be replacing all elementary school teachers with Amazon’s Alexa, which saved the taxpayers so much money we were able to quadruple the number of armed police officers we put into high schools. This will give him several thousand positive profiles on network news programs and the near-universal support of the Silicon Valley vampires who will own 99% of the country by the time Biden’s term ends. They will use their fancy mind control devices to convince geriatic primary voters that Rahm’s the one who will bring Decency back to the white house. His candidacy will be the paragon of wokeness, as expressing concern toward the fact that he covered up the police murder of a black guy will get you called a racist. 

Rahm has a bonus in that Jewish men are now Schrodeniger’s PoC. When they are decent human beings, they are basic, cis white men who are stealing attention from disabled trans candidates of color. When they love austerity and apartheid, they become the most vulnerable people of color on earth and criticizing them in any way is genocide. No one will be able to mention a single thing Rahm has ever done or said without opening themselves to accusations of antisemitism, and that gives him a strong edge against the rest of the field. The good news is that an Emmanuel candidacy would result in over 50% of black voters choosing the GOP candidate--which, I guess that’s not really good but it would certainly be funny. 

Gavin Newsom

Newsom is every bit as feckless as Cuomo, but he doesn’t put off the same “bad guy in an early Steven Segal movie” vibes. He will mention climate change 50 times per speech and no one will bother to mention how he keeps signing fracking contracts even though his state is now on fire 11 months of the year. If anything, this will be spun into an argument about how he’s actually the candidate best suited to handle all the water refugees gathering on the southern border. Look for his plan to curb emissions by 10% by the year 2150 to get high marks from Sierra Club nerds. He’s also a celebate librarian’s idea of what constitutes a handsome man, so he’ll have some support from the type of women who claim to hate all men. 

Larry Summers

I mean, why not? Larry, like most members of the Obama administration, has politics that are eerily similar to those of Jordan Peterson. In normal circumstances, this makes a person a dangerous fascist who should not be platformed. But if that person has a D next to their name this makes them a realistic pragmatist who has what it takes to bring suburban bankers into our tent. If current trends in Woke Phrenology continue apace, Larry’s belief that women are inherently bad at STEM will be liberal orthodoxy by 2023, and his dedication to the Laffer Curve could see him rake in massive donations. Seriously, I’m not kidding: cultural liberalism is now fully dedicated to identity essentialism and balanced budgets. Larry is their ideal candidate. If he were black and/or a woman, I’d put him in the very top tier. 

Jay Inslee

Unlike Newsom, Inslee’s attempt to crown himself the King of Global Warming won’t be immediately derailed, since his state is only on fire because of protestors. This, however, poses a different problem. He’s going to be a good test case for the Democrat’s uneasy peace with the ever increasing share of the electorate who become catatonic upon hearing a pronoun. On the one hand, you need to take their votes for granted. On the other hand, they’re not like black people or regular gays: most voters actively, consciously despise wokies, and associating yourself with them will ruin a campaign even in deep blue areas. There’s still gonna be riots in a year. Biden’s gonna announce the sale of all our nation’s potable water to the good folks at Nestle and some trans freak named Sasha-Malia DeBalzac is going to use that as an opportunity to sell their new pamphlet about how it’s fascist to not burn down small businesses. No matter what Inslee does in response, it’ll end his career. 

AOC

I’m not one of those “AOC is a secret conservative” weirdos, but I am aware enough of basic reality to know she has zero chance of coming close to the nomination. The right and the center both regard her as a literal demon. The party is already blaming her for the fact that a handful of faceless Reagan acolytes failed to flip their suburban districts even though they ran on sensible pragmatic proposals like euthanizing the homeless. The recriminations will only get more unhinged when the Dems eat shit in the 2022 midterms. She will be a Russian, she will be white male, she will be a communist, she will be a homophobe: any insult or conspiracy theory you can name, MSNBC will spend hours discussing. Her house seat challenger will receive a record amount of support from the DNC in 2024 and it’ll be all she can do to remain in congress.

Larry Hogan

Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that he’s a Republican. Larry is the DNC’s ideal candidate: a physically repulsive conservative who owes his entire career to appealing to the most spiteful desires of suburban white people. He’s an open racist in a material sense--if you’re old-school enough to think racism is a matter of beliefs and actions, rather than the presence of cultural signifiers--but his is the beloved “never Trump” style of racism that Dems covet. He’s also a Proven Leader who thinks the role of government should be to finance the construction of investment property and give police the resources they need to run successful drug trafficking operations. Few people embody the Democrat worldview more than Larry. 

The Losers Bracket

These people will have at least a small chance due solely to the fact that the Democrats love losing. They have lost in the past, and in the Democrat Mind that makes them especially qualified.

Joe Kennedy

The man looks like a mushroom-human hybrid from a JRPG. Trump proved that physical hideousness need not doom a presidential bid, but a candidate still needs some kind of charm or oratorical abilities or, god forbid, a decent platform. Joe aggressively lacks all of these things. A vanity campaign would be a good way to raise money and perhaps secure an MSNBC gig, so Joe might still run. 

Mayor Pete 

I am 100% convinced that Pete’s 2020 run was a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. I am also 100% aware that Democrats are dumb enough to enthusiastically support a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. If we have some sort of military or terror disaster between now and 2023 the Dems are sure to want a TROOP, and wait wait wait you’re telling me this one is a gay troop? Holy hell there’s no way that could lose!

Stacy Abrams

Never underestimate the power of white guilt. She lost the gubernatorial race to Gomer Pyle’s grandson, and her spiritual guidance of the Dems saw the party lose black voters in Georgia in 2020. Nonetheless, she is regarded as a magic font of fierceness within the DNC. She might stand a chance if she can establish herself as the most conservative non-white candidate in the field, but there’s going to be stiff competition for that honor.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz is probably angry that the party so shamelessly sold her out even after she was a good little girl and sabatoged Bernie’s campaign for them--yet another example of high ranking US government officials reneging on their promises to the Native American community. Smdh. The fact that this woman hasn’t been bankrupted a dozen times over by various Wallet Inspectors genuinely astounds me. So Liz is probably going to run again, and her campaign will be even sadder the second time around. 

It might surprise you to hear this if you don’t work at a college or NGO, but Liz diehards actually do exist. She’ll get even less support this time because there will be no viable leftist in the field for her to spoil, but she’ll still hang in long enough to make sure the very worst possible candidate beats out the second worst possible candidate. Maybe she’ll fabricate a rape accusation against Sherrod Brown. Maybe she’ll spend her entire allotted debate time doing a land acknowledgment. With Liz, anything is possible--so long as it ends in failure. 

Amy Klobuchar 

Amy was the most bloodthirsty of the 2020 also rans. She will double down on the unpopular failures of the Biden administration, explaining that if you weren’t such a selfish idiot you’d love the higher social security retirement age and oh my god are so such a moron you think you shouldn’t go bankrupt to get a COVID vaccine? There’s a non-unsubstantial segment of the Democratic base that’s self-hating enough to find this appealing, but it won’t be enough to make her viable. 

Martha Coakley

She lost Ted Kennedy’s senate seat to a retarded man who was pretending to be even more retarded than he actually was. Then she lost a gubernatorial race to a guy who openly promised Massachusetts voters that he would punish them for electing him. Her record of failure is unparalleled, making her perhaps the ideal Democrat standard bearer for the twenty twenties. 

[doof-doofblog]

"I Thought I Should Pop Something On, Just In Case!"

Monday 15th February 2021

Hello again everyone! Hope your week is going well so far! I know I'm a couple of days behind, but as promised I'll be making a post every day this week to make sure that I'm fully up to date! Part of me is thinking I'm getting a little too invested in EastEnders lately, not that it's a bad thing, but is it weird that I had a dream where I was actually part of the cast and I got to call everyone by their character names and real names? I recall the main two I was more friendly with were Kush (Davood Ghademi) and Whitney (Shona McGarty)! Crazy right?! Ha!

Anyway, there's a lot for me to catch up on so let's jump into Monday's episode. The first thing I'm going to mention is Ash, it's been a while now since we've seen both her and Iqra after they had split up, but it looks as if Ash is finding the break up more difficult that Iqra is. I mean, of course, it was her fault for lying to Iqra for so long so she's bound to feel bad. It appears to either be the day after Valentines Day and Ash is devastated to have spent it alone, as she mopes to her Mum and to Vinny, Suki shows very little sympathy towards her daughter, informing her that she'll quickly move on and forget about Iqra, however Vinny is a little more sympathetic and advises his sister to tell Iqra exactly how she feels. Taking his brother's advice, she decides to make a visit to Iqra after buying her a huge bunch of flowers in an attempt to apologise. Unfortunately, Iqra isn't as forgiving as she was hoping for, regardless of professing her love for her. Iqra makes it perfectly clear that once they once shared as a couple, is now dead, much to Ash's devastation! I have to say though, the one thing I have noticed is that no matter where Ash is, Peter is always lingering like a bad smell! Sorry, but I find it awkward, creepy and pathetic how Peter is kind of chasing after Ash, even though it's been made clear that she is a lesbian! But, I do fear that eventually Ash will fall for Peter's advances ... I don't know about you guys, but I don't really see Peter and Ash being a couple, I really can't picture it! What about you guys?

--

The second thing I'm going to mention is Lucas and Chelsea. Even though he's agreed to transport the drugs to Ibiza for his daughter, he does fear the possibility of getting caught, especially considering the fact that he's meant to be on probation. When he attempts to voice his concerns to Chelsea, she has no sympathy for him and plainly demands that he needs to make sure he doesn't get caught! He tries to explain to her that he's doing the job simply for her, to keep his daughter safe. However Chelsea doesn't seem to care, it's fair to say that he's never really been a proper Dad to her, so why should feel a sense of thanks to him for doing this job for her. She mentions how he never took her on trips to the cinema or spoilt her with popcorn or takeaway food, she states that just because he's willing to take drugs to Ibiza, it doesn't make him Dad of the year! As much as those words hurt him, it looks as if they play on his mind, as later on when she arrives back to Lucas's apartment with information on when the job will be taking place, he notifies her of the lovely food and goodies he's gone to out of his way to make for her. He's really really trying, isn't he? He really wants to make up for lost time and try and be the Dad he's always wanted to be ... It's never too late right? Chelsea acknowledges the efforts he's gone through for her but mentions that it's going to take more than just burger and chips, but as she looks back to the glorious food, a little smile spreads across her face! You guys saw that smile, right?! She definitely smiled! ... So we know Lucas is going to be taking the drugs to Ibiza next month, what are we thinking is going to happen? Will everything go to plan? Or could Lucas get into trouble or even danger?!

--

The next thing I'm going to mention is Max and The Carter's. After finding out the truth from Jack about the real reason why Linda decided to stay with Mick, Max seems to have completely done a U-turn! He spots Linda waiting outside the Minute Mart and takes his opportunity to approach her civilly. Without giving too much away that he knows the truth, he acknowledges that there's no hard feelings between them and that he completely understands her decision to stay with her husband. Linda seems thankful and grateful for him being understanding, but something tells me that when she finds out why, she's not going to be happy! Surprisingly, Max even greets Mick as he walks out of the shop, but of course Mick still holds some kind of hatred towards him so completely ignores the man and walks away. As Linda follows her husband, Max watches them walk away into the distance. Jack notices his brother interacting with Linda and voices his concerns on what he might've said, but Max reassures him that he never said anything, but the one thing he does mention is that he claims it's obvious that Linda still wants him and she's only with Mick out of sympathy! Unless Max is desperate for the woman he's fallen in love with, I really don't see how he is able to convince himself that Linda still wants him. Mick and Linda, Linda and Mick - they fit together like a hand and glove - even though they've had many ups and downs, I truly think that they are going to be a couple which EastEnders will never break apart. They belong together, I'm sure the majority of you must agree?

As the Carter's get back to their apartment, Mick comes to realise that every time he sees Max on the Square, the thought of him being with his wife intimately is going to haunt him, he admits to Linda that the only way they'll be able to move forward is if they sit down and she tells him everything that happened between them. Of course Linda feels that this might make things worse, does her husband really want to know the details of her infidelity? But Mick seems more than willing to just sit and listen to what she has to say, Linda stresses the fact that it wasn't Mick's fault, but she explains that whilst Mick was struggling with his past and wasn't talking to anyone, she felt like she was being pushed away, almost as if he didn't want her anymore. She states that she got pushed away so close to the edge that she very much wanted to have a drink, and Max was there to stop her from taking that drink she so desperately wanted. She claims that it was just a friendship to begin with, but each time she tried to get close to her husband, he wouldn't open up or lash out at her and she ended up falling into Max's arms, just because she wanted to feel wanted, loved. I actually found this moment quite upsetting but yet really touching, they come to the conclusion that all the really want now is each other, Mick wants his "L" back and Linda wants her "Mick" back just as they used to be. Meanwhile, as they are having this heart-to-heart, Max appears to rummaging through all sorts of files and documents, desperate to find something. What an Earth could he be looking for? Eventually when he sits down to his laptop he finds a document on Phil ... What on Earth does he want with Phil?! I'm sure guys know already, but I'm finding it a bit intriguing. We know he's desperately wanting Linda back, but what has that got to do with Phil?! I'm looking forward to finding out!

--

The final thing I'm going to talk about is Sharon and Phil! After everything they've been through, regarding Dennis and Ian, Phil and Sharon are trying to move forward and put everything behind them. It's fair to say that they both share a love for a young boy who sadly lost his life, Dennis seems to have been the main thing which has brought them back together. They had agreed to go for a meal that evening, even though Ben overhears their discussion of their plans and feels the need to voice his concern to his Dad, warning him that she'll only be after his money! But Phil being Phil, he tells his son not to worry and let him worry about his own concerns, he knows whether Sharon will be legit or not. Regardless of his Dad's warning, Ben seems to worry that after everything Sharon has put his Dad through, she simply isn't good enough for him! As Phil heads off to meet Sharon at the restaurant, he can't help but notice she's being chatted up by a young male - as he watches them from a distance, as much as Sharon is laughing along and the interaction being quite innocent, it looks as if he can't get past the fact that it reminds him too much of her and Keanu. I mean, it's understandable, right? 

He decides to head off back to the Arches, leaving Sharon to wait in the restaurant alone. However as he makes his way back to the building, Kat catches up with him, acknowledging that he had a promised her a decent car earlier in the day to help her get to her cleaning job, but the one he left simply isn't good enough. Being typical Kat, she mentions that she wants a refund, but of course in brilliant Kat-like way, she pushes up her breasts and pouts her lips. As Sharon realises she has been stood up, she takes it upon herself to track down Phil, eventually finding him in the Arches. She bangs loudly on the door and he responds by opening the door ever so slightly, enough room for him to peak his head through. Phil apologises that he shouldn't have left her sitting on her own but admits that he couldn't bring himself to have dinner with her, with everything that happened after Keanu, he still doesn't feel he can go back there with her. Regardless of that, he's still going to make sure the Vic will remain in her name, that is what he has promised her and mentions that he will not break that promise! As much as she appreciates his promise, when she slowly walks away from the Arches we see a small tear fall down her cheek, maybe she really did want things to work out with Phil after all? Only, without her knowledge, as Phil closes the door and looks back into the building, Kat makes herself known as she reveals herself wearing mechanic overalls with just her underwear underneath!

Now, Phil and Kat is a intimate pairing that I never thought I'd see! Is it really just a one-off? A random romp? A one night stand? Or is this going to be the beginning of a new romance? What do you guys think? How will Sharon react when she learns that Phil has slept with Kat? Will it be something that Phil or even Kat live to regret? Who knows? It's a very interesting and surprising ending to an episode, I have to be honest! I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens next! Thank you all for reading! I'll be back again tomorrow following Tuesday's episode, and then I should be completely up to date! Enjoy the rest of your day folks! Love you all xXx

[inbarfink]

Ace Attorney Defendants Rated from least to most cooperative and helpful to their own goddam attorney.

Matt Engarde: Look, no amount of like... eating-the-evidence or protecting the real killer’s gonna top actually BEING the real killer and kidnapping Maya to blackmail Phoenix into defending him. You just can’t top Literal Murderer as far as Bad Defendants go.

Zak Gramarye: But you know what comes as a close second? HIDING CASE-CRITICAL DECISIVE EDIVENCE FROM HIS OWN ATTORNEY FOR NO GOOD REASON, DISAPPEARING IN THE MIDDLE OF COURT, LEAVING HIS FUCKING EIGHT YEAR OLD ALL ALONE FOR HIS LAWYER TO RAISE THAT PROBABLY COUNTS AS UNCOOPERATIVE RIGHT

Machi Tobaye: KNOWS A LOT MORE ABOUT THE CASE THEN HE WAS TELLING??? LIKE I THINK ALL OF THE CASE WOULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED IF ONLY HE WAS HONEST WITH HIS DEFENSE TEAM????  Some of this was understandable because he was under fear of a Death Sentence, but.......... He really could have just told Apollo and Trucy he can see and speak a little English right from the get-go, at the very least.

Wocky Kitaki: Barely had the time of day to talk with his Attorney and so there was a LOT Apollo didn’t knew about the case and Wocky knew. Abrasive and mean to his defense team and was actually TRYING to get himself found guilty for a good chunk of the case, also trying to defend the Culprit. Pretty classic Bad AA Defendant.

Phoenix Wright: Gave false testimony, repeatedly almost incriminated himself, tried to protect the culprit, ATE THE EVIDENCE! He came around at the end, but I’m sorry Phoenix, Mia was a great lawyer and you didn’t deserve her /:

Larry Butz: Can’t shut up and so accidentally almost falsely incriminated himself. Argues with his attorney. Assumes that being Phoenix’s friend means he’s just gonna do his lawyering for free?????

Phoenix Wright Again: THAT’S RIGHT I’M COUNTING HOBONICK AND FEENIE SEPARATELY BECAUSE THEIR BAD-DEFENDANTNESS IS SO RADICALLY DIFFERENT IT’S WEIRD TO COUNT IT AS THE SAME THING. Anyway....... incredibly uncooperative and secretive in court, didn’t disclose like...................... ANYTHING to his attorney beforehand, MADE APOLLO PRESENT FALSIFIED EVIDENCE IN COURT. Yeah, he was also a HUGE help in court and basically led the trial (which is the main thing giving him an edge over Larry and Feenie), but still......... Why is every time Phoenix is a Defendant for someone else he is so BAD about this??!!!!

Terry Fawles: SOMEONE GIVE MIA FEY A GOOD DEFENDANT PLEASE. It’s hard to say how at fault he is for, like, incrimanting behaviour considering his mental state... But he DID work to try and protect the culprit... and he’s a creep for ““falling in love”“” with a 14-year-old girl when he was 20 and I know it’s not related to his helpfulness but it made me wanna rate him lower. 

Sister Iris: Knew a LOT more about the case that she wasn’t telling. Like...... the majority of the case would’ve been solved if she told Miles or Phoenix everything that she knew. Defending the culprit, I guess it’s noble considering the situation, but it’s hard for me to get behind it.

Lana Skye: I know that she was blackmailled over her sister accidently-killing-a-guy, but.... she DID have all of the information about the real culprit and (most of) what happened but kept shut about it for most of the trial. And also kept trying to confess and to dismiss Phoenix as her lawyer. Like, if there wasn’t the blackmail thing here as a defense she’d be way higher on the list............

Ahlbi Ur'gaid: Another Really Sucky Defendant with understandable reasons to Suck. Like, he’s a goddam kid indocrinated on Evil Anti-Lawyer Propoganda, it’s no wonder he’s so hostile and uncooperative to Phoenix. But..... yeah, that does make him a little of a pain in the ass until he comes around. 

Ron DeLite: Hard to say, really. On the one hand, he DID actually committ one of the crimes he was on trial for - but on the OTHER hand, he did actually try to confess to it - but on the OTHER OTHER hand that technically counts as not cooperating with your defense but on the OTHER OTHER OTHER HAND, Phoenix was the one not cooperating with him trying to prove him innocent of Grand Larceny but on the OTHER OTHER OTHER OTHER hand he was doing a terrible job of communicating just what the hell is going on. 

Vera Misham: A bit... quiet when it comes to one-on-one in the Detention Center, but considering her emotional state, she was fairly cooperative in court! It’s kinda hard to say since she spent so much of this case in the hospital.......

Solomon Starbuck: Not only repeatedly gave false testimoany to try hide the truth about his own space anxiety, but tried to flee court once he got called out on it. Thankfully, he’s not as competent as Zak, also thankfully, he gives up the bullcrap once we get to Day 2 of the investigation. 

Bucky Whet: Drunk, uncooperative, rude to his own Lawyer! I guess he kinda comes through with a Save by the end, though.

Ora Shipley: You know that you’re a Sucky Defendant when the ORCA ranks better than you.

Damian Tenma: Repeatedly tried to confess to a murder he didn’t commit, spent half of the case pretending to be a possessed........ He did to protect his daughter, which is admirable, but yeah that was kind of a headache for Apollo and Athena.

Will Powers: He’s a nice guy and gives some helpful information, but......... he also tried to hide the fact that Dee Vasquez and Sal Manella were in the studio that day for the sake of the ‘Bigwigs’ and that’s kinda sucky. Sorry, Will. 

Miles Edgeworth: He confessed to a murder he didn’t committ in court, but in his defense............. he did BELIEVE he was actually guilty so I guess it evens out.

Dhurke Sahdmadhi: On the one hand, he’s a huge help in Court as a Co-Counsel and he brought us the piece of evidence that turned the case around (the abillity To Do a Channeling with Apollo’s Biodad), but he also hid the GREATEST ALIBI in the world from us (being dead) and that Amara is Fucking Alive. He’s a defendant of extremes I guess. 

Max Galactica: I know he’s annoying and kind of a creep but we’re not rating likable witnesses we’re raiting helpful witnesses and I don’t think Max actually like... lied or mislead or hid information or accidently incriminated himself in court?

Ellen Wyatt: Look............ It’s not her fault she was gaslit into believing that she time-travelled.... that shit was Fucked Up and she did the best she could.

Juniper Woods: Juniper Woods Did Nothing Wrong.

Maggey Byrde: Helpful tutorial lady for her anmensia-stricken lawyer, even volenteers to punch him in the face to restore his memories. A bit more belligerent in “Recipe” due to having been found Guilty already, and that’s kinda understandable. Only really loses points for not recognizing that Furio Tigre isn’t Phoenix.

Trucy Wright: Cooperative and honest. 100% understands having to break Magician Secrecy Rules for the sake of getting her a Not Guilty (unlike SOME magicians I could mention)

Maya Fey: Not counting the stunt she pulled in “Bridge to the Turnabout” cause she wasn’t technically the Defendant - Maya has always been VERY cooperative. 100% honest about what happened, gives helpful tutorials in “Turnabout Sisters”, offers to break Phoenix out of prison. If only all defendants could be so delightful.

Athena Cykes: It’s hard to get more helpful to the defense than literally being a part of the defense team.

[catgirlxox]

Exploring Ben 10′s Reality

I feel like, sometimes, some things are so obvious that they’re overlooked.

Do you realize that the Omnitrix wasn't even created to be a weapon, or rather a tool to use in battle?

It is simply a device which contains the DNA of a large quantity of different alien species, each which happen to have their own naturally occurring special abilities, which can then also transform the one who wields it into any of those alien species. 

According to Ultimate Alien's "Solitary Alignment", Azmuth's original reason for creating the Omnitrix was an apology for the creation of Ascalon, a weapon which was previously described as “irresponsible” because of how powerful it is. 

Azmuth: “It could cleave right into reality. Tap into the primal energies.”

Zennith: “it’s irresponsible to create things without thinking through the ramifications.”

Ascalon was later stolen by a Warrior who hoped to end the eons-long civil war between the many factions on the Incursean home world. The result, however, was the destruction of the planet, which rendered the Incurseans scattered.

Azmuth: “Zennith was right after all. I swore to hideaway to sword, and dedicate myself to peaceful sciences.”

The Omnitrix was then created with the intention of this “peaceful science” bringing the universe together rather than causing destruction like it’s predecessor. 

Gwen: “And you developed the Omnitrix as a way to promote interstellar peace and unity.”

Ben responds to this, saying:

“And I turned it into a weapon.”

Even though Ben says this, I have to disagree. It is because of Ben’s work, using the Omnitrix, that there are aliens and humans living in harmony in Bellwood near the end of Omniverse. He has shown people that you can trust those who have abilities different from yours, contrasting the obvious Xenophobia existing throughout the previous series. Being different can bring us all together if we embrace it and defend each other. Probably without even realizing it, Ben promoted diversity, interstellar peace, and unity. 

I don’t think we give Ben enough credit for literally turning himself into a hero.

He was presented with an opportunity to do so, and through his own creativity and good heart, lived out his dream with the benefit of saving the Universe multiple times.

Ben claimed that he “turned the Omnitrix into a weapon”, when, from the moment it first attached itself to his wrist, he already had the idea in mind to use it to help others with the abilities it provided. He absolutely could have rebelled and used it as a weapon, or to do whatever else he wanted to with it since it was stuck to him, not giving him a choice whether he wanted to keep it on or take it off. 

Regardless of what he wanted, because it was stuck to him and could not be taken off without a specific procedure, he would have still become a target for dangerous aliens, such as Vilgax, who will stop at nothing to retrieve the watch. 

Because of this, I realize it is not a job that will benefit him in every aspect. 

For instance, we all have the luxury of resting assured that those slightly absurd things we may be afraid of do not exist in our reality. Although we may not always willingly admit to it, there are many of us which fear the dark, or whatever other nightmarish entities haunt our dreams caused by the common fear of the unknown, undiscovered, and unexplored. 

In the hypothetical instance in which entities such as these would exist, however, we can still find comfort in the idea that there are too many individual people on the planet we share for ourselves to be their specific target. Why, out of everyone, would our insignificant selves be the one chosen to endure such horror?

As you may know, many of us also seem to take interest in the paranormal or unexplained. We seem to have a morbid curiosity regarding these nightmarish creatures and entities. And, we are curious because we do not fully understand why these types of being would exist, and what their motives would be, if any at all. 

Because we do not know the answers for certain, it is quite easy for us to be desensitized to this material. That ease lies in the fact that we may, at any moment, just turn away from that which is portrayed as scary and return to what is normal and mundane. We are safely out of the reach of the terror inducing science fiction, and, subsequently, not in any particularly bad or lengthy state of terror at all. 

Ben, however, does not have a choice. 

He has literally chosen to give up that sense of security to be the hero. 

Those nightmarish entities which we may childishly fear are not only real in his reality, but they specifically target him, and sometimes his friends and family, as shown in episodes such as Ultimate Alien’s “Hit ‘em Where They Live.” 

As I said, it is easy for us to be desensitized to disturbing concepts because they are fiction. However, in the Ben 10 Universe, Ben and his team are often thrown straight into these nightmarish scenes. And, in most of these scenarios, Ben and his team do not seem particularly disturbed as they deal with the usual alien criminals causing trouble. 

You might infer that constantly being exposed to these types of criminals and their schemes which vary in level of horror might desensitize you to further atrocities. However, the off-screen slaughter of a Lucubra in “Solitary Alignment” exemplifies exactly the part of their reality which may leave our main heroes quite squeamish. 

Azmuth: “After defeating the errant knights and the Lucubras, St. George stood alone against the Diagon. He cut out its heart and left the sword buried in it. I'll show you. 

Kevin: “No!”

Gwen: “I - I can't watch. I'm gonna be sick.”

Ben: “Azmuth, get us out of here now!”

It should not be considered a show of weakness to express how much these true horrors affect oneself when this is your everyday life. 

Ben canonically suffers from nightmares. This is also something the fandom often includes in their own works of creative writing, often followed by Ben not being willing to share any details of the terrors he may suffer during those nights. 

Interestingly, fan fiction writers also often include Ben having a similar approach towards pain. Ben’s reasoning for this seems to be that, because those defined by words such as “brave” and “strong” should be capable of handling these traumatizing situations, whether they are occurring before your eyes in real life or inside your mind while asleep, they should not turn to others to “burden” them with such things. 

It is the hero’s job to carry that burden, apparently. 

This is exactly the kind of thing that is heavily overlooked in Ben’s case because it is something that really should be obvious. Likewise, it should be obvious that this kind of rationalization of mental or physical suffering should not be deemed okay, and nobody states that it is. But, nobody admits that this is a mature outlook to have, either. 

It is mature because it takes into consideration the reality in which he lives in so much so that he does not wish to allow others to be exposed to the full extent of the parts of the hero life which cause suffering towards the one who is burdened with the responsibility of easing or preventing the suffering of others. In simpler terms, the hero. 

Although the series has never really gone into the specifics regarding what it is that haunts him at night, we can infer it has to do with the threats he faces on the daily, and most often involving enemies which are particularly dangerous.

"Sometimes when I eat late at night, I have nightmares so real, I wake up hitting the Ultimatrix. One time, I thought I saw Vilgax hiding in my closet. It was one of Grandpa Max's extra shirts." (Ben, Ultimate Alien - "The Big Story")

There are many possibilities which are explored and discussed regarding what Ben may have to face as a cause of his position. One of which is the idea that the arm or wrist on which he wears the Omnitrix is in danger of being damaged or injured, in the form of something such as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, or worse, losing the arm completely. Multiple of Ben’s enemies have attempted to remove his Omnitrix arm, therefore this is a dangerously plausible possibility. 

In the case of something such as this, I would immediately assume that Azmuth, a being who is deemed the smartest in arguably five galaxies, has already premeditated issues such as pain or injury to the user and, subsequently, would have installed a protection or prevention function. However, it may also be argued that Azmuth built the device based on his own idea of what purpose it will serve and how it will be used. 

As I stated in the beginning, the Omnitrix was not built to turn the user into a superhero. That was Ben’s doing. So, whatever side effects come with rapid and consecutive transforming into aliens, as well as activating this ability in the physical way Ben does is a cause of his own desire to continue to be the hero. 

A less often explored concept is the idea that using the Omnitrix in this way would cost him so much that he would no longer desire to continue being the hero. If the hero work would not only take from him his sense of security and privacy, but also an essential limb, it seems only just that the unfairness of the circumstances would push someone into a loss of desire to do what they once loved. Keep in mind, there are even individuals who believe that the Universe would be better off without his efforts, namely Will Harangue and Pakmar. The truth is that, even in these circumstances, the universe would still need him against his will. And, in that case, should he still be burdened with that responsibility?

As I have mentioned, unlike regular people, Ben has an extremely valid reason to fear things we don’t have to. Ben’s choice to become a hero is what puts him in the position to be that target. And, undesirable circumstances such as losing a limb do not erase the fact that he is still the target for dangerous, and to normal people, scary alien creatures with nightmare inducing intentions. 

Obviously, continuing to do this job with one arm would not be the same. It may be more difficult depending on what would be put in place of the lost limb. And this is something that those enemies of Ben’s would probably realize. To them, it may make him an even easier target. 

And, in the hypothetical situation in which he does not only lose the arm, but also the Omnitrix, they may think that it is the perfect time to take their final revenge on him in this unarmed state. Which, returns the discussion regarding what contributes to Ben’s nightmares and very valid personal fears. 

Yes, Ben has friends and team mates to back him up who have their own abilities and skills. But, even so, Ben is often the last man standing in dire circumstances - the one which they all depend on. 

Who, then, will defend the universe if the last man standing can not defend himself? 

This not to say that there is any doubt in his capability to prevent the situation from going this far. That is precisely why I praise him for being so quick and reliable. When all of the above is not only a hypothetical, but truly your reality, it is crucial that he has these characteristics. It is only unfortunate that all of this is also heavily over looked and glossed over, especially in the case of many of his canon love interests who don’t seem to take any of this into account at all which leads to their disconnect and misunderstanding of his person. 

[holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight]

The Bodyguard - Chapter 3

Summary: Magnus is a dancing popstar sensation whose popularity continues to climb. Alec, an ex-Secret Service agent, is hired on as a professional bodyguard in charge of Mr. Bane’s personal security by insistence of Magnus’ manager. Despite their initial differences, Magnus finds himself falling for Alec the more time they spend getting to know each other and relies on him for more than physical security as his safety gets threatened. Loosely based on the 1992 film The Bodyguard.

Rating: M

Genre: AU, Everyone is Human AU, Celebrity!Magnus, Bodyguard!Alec, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Romance, Eventual Smut, Mutual Pining

Author: holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight

A/N: I'd like to credit the amazing Malec AU series 'Stars Aligned' by Lecrit for some inspiration for some of this. I happened to come across that fic and it solidified my decision to put Magnus on my favourite talk show, even though I could only hope to write it as in character as that incredible author. If you haven't read it, please do yourself a favour and do so - it is incredible and so in character and a mix of fluffy, funny, smutty and just plain perfection. You can read part 1 of 3 here.

Can also be read on AO3. Thanks for reading!!

Previous chapters on tumblr: Prologue // Chapter 1 // Chapter 2

Alec settled back further into the pillows, smiling to himself as he read over the most recent text he received.

It had only been a few days since Alec had 'moved in' with Magnus, and so far it hadn't been so bad. Magnus had an extensive evening and morning routine, but since Alec was typically low maintenance when it came to daily prep, they managed to make it work.

Alec typically was awake first, showered and sipped at coffee while Magnus got up later and took a luxuriously long shower, exfoliated, moisturized, and did a bunch more things that Alec tuned out whenever Magnus prattled on about it when he made a comment about it.

Have you met any celebrity pals of Magnus' yet?

Alec rolled his eyes at his sister's curiosity.

No, Iz. Been a little busy trying to, y'know, do my job.

Spoilsport.

He chuckled. Another text came through shortly after.

I miss you.

The three words made him sigh.

I miss you too. I wish the tour allowed me to take a visit home at some point but it's so busy. And with everything going on, I don't want to leave Magnus vulnerable.

I know. You always do what's right. Your brothers miss you too. Max is already taller. And he's acting more like you every day.

I miss them too. How is Max like me? I thought he'd end up more like Jace when he was younger to be honest. Too curious for his own good sometimes.

Oh he definitely has his mischievous side. But he's got a good head on his shoulders too. He looks up to you so much. He may want to be Jace's best pal but he wants to BE you.

I have no idea why. He'll grow out of it, I'm sure.

Alec! Don't be stupid.

Yeah, yeah, love you too.

You know I love you, dummy.

Before he could respond with some other mocking jest, a rap of knuckles on his open door startled him out of his texting.

"Hey. If you want the bathroom, I'm done."

Alec slipped off the bed, grabbing his clothes and sending Magnus a smile. "Thanks. I won't be long."

Magnus let him by and turned to head to his own room, using one hand to dry his hair with a towel, until a noise caught his attention.

It only took him a moment to track it to Alec's cell phone on the bedspread that he left behind.

Curiosity brewed under his skin, and the second vibrate made him skip over to pick up the device. Maybe it was urgent?

He swiped to open the recent texts and stumbled upon his conversation with someone named Izzy.

He read back a few messages, his brow furrowing, especially once he got a look at the icon attached to her contact.

His eyebrows rose into his hairline. The woman was beautiful. Gorgeous.

Did Alec have a girlfriend? How had he never mentioned her?

To be fair, he couldn't recall Alec sharing much of anything to do with his life. He was a rather quiet figure, except when it came to barking orders.

If his text conversation was anything to go by, they clearly were serious, what with the playful banter and exchanges of missing each other. The casually dropped I love yous. And it sounded as though she was close to his family—making comments about his brothers the way she did, as if she had been seeing them regularly despite his absence in their lives.

It wasn't that surprising that someone had snatched Alec up. After all, Magnus wasn't blind. Alec was an attractive guy. A little too serious and uptight at times, but his appearance was certainly lacking in faults. Although, with the quiet temperament of the man, it likely took a special someone to break through his walls.

Magnus didn't know why it made his chest feel heavier.

It caught up to him when he heard the faucet running in the bathroom, that Alec could be done any moment. He quickly replaced the phone where he found it and skittered away from the bed, not wanting to be caught snooping. Alec's personal life was none of his business.

Maybe he was just bothered about it because of the other night with Camille. Alec seeing a vulnerable piece of his relationship past, and Magnus not having a clue that Alec had a present one. He had felt closer to Alec since that night, and once he revealed to him the real reason he hired him. It made him feel like he could trust him. And Magnus wasn't one to hand out trust like that to just anyone.

He didn't realize he was still hovering at Alec's doorway until the man returned, surprise on his face.

"Uh… is something wrong? Did something happen?" Alec asked, going into business-mode immediately.

His face looked freshly clean, the evening stubble shadowing his cheeks, and Magnus found himself distracted at the sight of him so casually dressed in pajamas pants and a t-shirt that he almost forgot that he was expected to speak.

Izzy's one lucky lady.

"Uh… sorry. I…"

Magnus corrected his throat.

"I was just thinking back to the other night. With Camille. I was a little too dumbstruck to say it then I think, but I wanted to make sure I had thanked you for stepping in and removing her from the building."

"It's my job, remember?" Alec teased, and Magnus felt the tightness in his chest lift a little. Their banter was what he had been enjoying since that night. The side of Alec he only got to see snippets of, when he let his guard down.

"I know, I know. But not just that. What you said… I don't know, it stuck with me. So thank you for that too."

Alec leaned against the door jamb, looking a little amused. Before Magnus could ask, he explained, clearly catching the question in his expression.

"Words aren't really my specialty. Just sort of ironic, considering. But I appreciate it."

"Why, Alexander, words aren't your specialty? Since when?" Magnus asked, mock-incredulous, and Alec rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I should really run for office with my way with words. I'm sure the public is ready for a socially awkward introvert to lead them to greatness."

Magnus threw his head back and laughed at that, finding Alec's eyes sparkling with mirth right back at him. Alec certainly had a mischevious side to him too.

The trait made him pause and think back to the conversation he peeked at.

Right. Alec was… involved. He shouldn't be this playful with him. Some might take it as flirting, and he wasn't interested in being that guy. Even if Alec hadn't confided that he was in a relationship and he could feign obliviousness. He supposed he'd have to reel back his purposeful flirting now too, despite the lovely blush his words always forced on his companion.

He straightened up and forced a smile. "Well. I should head to bed. Goodnight, Alexander."

He slinked away, not wanting to look back in case Alec could sense the disappointment in his face.

"Night." he called back, before closing his bedroom door.

Alec crawled into bed, plugging his phone in and texting a quick response to Izzy before lying down to sleep.

He wondered what had gotten into Magnus. They seemed to be in a good place, but then he started acting odd. Did he do something wrong? Push too hard?

The troubling thoughts eventually cradled him to sleep.

Early mornings were not Magnus' thing.

Ironic, considering how often he had to get up at an ungodly hour to either make some talk show, start rehearsals, or begin travelling.

Still, despite his experience, he still had to drag his feet and grumble under his breath until at least after a hot shower and mug of strong coffee.

Alec, on the other hand, appeared like he did at any other time of day; bright, alert, and ready for anything. Magnus would have assumed he would be the grumpier of the two of them, but it seemed that mildly irritated was Alec's general state of being and it didn't exceed that just because of the early hour.

The only thing that seemed to really increase his irritation was Magnus himself.

Then again, Magnus could probably work on giving him less of a hard time or not pressing so many of his buttons, but it was so fun.

"Mr. Bane, please return to the inside of the vehicle." Alec said through a heavy sigh.

Magnus poked his head through the open roof. "Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times." he imitated an amusement park ride operator robotically.

"Magnus… you are exposed out there. We don't know if who is stalking you is dangerous to your physical well-being and they no doubt know about your appearance on Ellen."

"My fans are also aware of my appearance and expect to get a glimpse of me on my way there. I can't disappoint them."

"They will be even more disappointed if you get a bullet in your head." Alec pointed out.

Magnus huffed and climbed down from his perch, collapsing back into his seat with his arms crossed. "You really know how to dampen a mood, Alexander."

"One of my many charms." Alec quipped, going back to his tablet.

Magnus tried not to watch him too closely from the corner of his eye. It was hard not to notice that Alec was actually an incredibly attractive man, somehow more noticeable now that he knew he had an equally attractive partner. Or so he assumed. Alec had still not mentioned anything about having a girlfriend. If he did, he still hoped that Alec followed his sexuality spectrum more—at least if he was bisexual, he couldn't write off something happening between them someday completely off the table.

Then again, Alec also was infuriating at times, stubborn and callous, even though the softer side he had seen lately could melt his heart.

"We're here." Alec said as the car began to slow.

Magnus jumped up immediately and Alec's hand shot out to grab him.

"Remember what we talked about." Alec said exasperatedly, like he was dealing with a hyperactive child.

Magnus pouted and slunk back to his seat. He hated being told what to do and bossed around, but he knew that Alec knew what he was doing and it was important. After the other night, he wasn't looking to be risky at any venue, even one as well secured as Ellen DeGeneres' Warner Brothers studio.

Alec immediately went into Head of Security mode, directing the security team and going to meet with the main security person for the studio before even letting Magnus out of the car.

It would be boring if it wasn't so hot watching him take initiative and order people around with the cool confidence he exuded while he was working.

Still, Magnus was anxious to get inside and get prepped for the show. It was his favourite show to be on and he had only been on once before after he had won first place on the show. He loved watching Ellen even before he was famous. She always treated every guest equally, like they were a long-time friend, and he loved how comfortable he felt despite the millions of eyes on the pair of them and her unexpected questions or turns.

A moment later, Alec was opening the door for him.

"All right. All clear." Alec said warmly, gesturing him ahead.

Magnus reached out to clasp his arm for support to stand up. "Why thank you, Alexander. Such a gentleman." he teased, sashaying past him to head inside.

Alec rolled his eyes but he was fighting a smile.

Magnus heard an explosion of screams upon his exit from the limo, and he grinned brightly in direction to the fenced off area where fans were losing their mind over the sight of him.

"Can I go say hi?"

"I don't think that's a good idea. There has been no regulation of who is over there and if they're carrying any weapons…"

But Magnus was already skipping off to greet people, waving excitedly and embracing the ones he could reach.

Alec sighed as he trotted after him. This man was going to be the death of him.

Magnus took countless photos with exuberant fans and signed any paper thrust into his hand.

Finally, he pulled out his own phone. "I'm on Ellen today – and look at the beautiful sight that greets me!" he shouted into the camera, holding his phone far away to capture the rows of screaming teens jumping up and down. "You guys are amazing! So excited to meet more of you on this tour! Love you all!"

He ended the video as Alec put a hand on his lower back.

"Magnus, we're on a schedule. Time to go inside."

Magnus nodded. "Sorry, my bodyguard is a buzzkill. See you lovelies later!" he chirped at his audience before letting Alec lead him away back to the studio.

The screams didn't get cut off until the door of the studio closed behind them.

"Magnus! We've got to get you to hair and make-up." Raphael said, looking at his watch. "You're the second guest on the show so we need to get going."

Magnus waved a hand dismissively at him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. I was giving the fans a little something they likely waited hours for. And now I have something to post to my Instagram story."

Alec met Raphael's eyes and shrugged one shoulder, admitting defeat at his ability to keep Magnus in line.

"You're fine with that, right? Since both my people and Ellen's show have been promoting my apperance here all week, so it's not as like some stalker will get new information that I'll be here today." Magnus said as he sat in the make-up chair.

Alec nodded. "Yes, exactly. It's like with your tour venues. Everything is posted well in advance, which is why we have to take such extra precautions when here, but not so much with social media."

Magnus grinned, not used to his approval, but also realizing belatedly that he never used to look for it so openly.

A well dressed woman came into the room then, wearing a headset and holding a clipboard, and her eyes went wide upon seeing the man standing off to the side of the star.

"Oh my god. Alec Lightwood?!" the blonde squeaked.

Alec's body language changed entirely. "Lydia? Hey! I didn't realize you worked here." he said as she pulled him into a big hug. She was very small compared to his tall form.

"I'm just filling in mostly, while their usual person is on maternity leave. Helping direct the show's schedule and keep things running smoothly. I thought you were working in Washington?"

"I was. But now that Trump is in office…"

"Ah. I'm sure he has certain specifications for his Secret Service team." Lydia said knowingly.

Magnus felt a little confused. Alec had implied something of the sort before when they met, but he didn't know what he meant by it. He figured he just wasn't a Trump supporter. Now he felt like he was missing something. Maybe Alec followed a disapproved religion? Or was an immigrant?

"Well, I also wouldn't want to protect someone who was against the safety of so many others just because they are different." Alec admitted. "It's really good to see you."

"You too." she said, smiling brightly up at him. She then seemed to remember there were others in the room. She clasped her hands together. "Sorry! Magnus! It is amazing to meet you. I'm Lydia."

"Nice to meet you too, Lydia." Magnus replied, kissing her proffered hand.

She giggled at his chivalry. "Let's get started with the plan for today, shall we?"

"You're not going to escort me out there, are you?"

"No. But I will be here on the sidelines to make sure nothing goes awry. I've got people stationed in different areas that I can direct from here."

"Good."

"Have fun out there." Alec said, pressing a hand to his headset to listen in to the voice talking to him. He nodded at Magnus when Lydia gestured him to go on, so he assumed Alec had gotten the all clear from the others.

Magnus headed out to the stage as the music swelled and Ellen's voice announced his presence.

He danced in his spot for a moment, giving a twirl, before crossing the stage to hug Ellen and settle in the armchair across from her.

"Well, no surprises that you are a world famous singer/dancer. We should hire you to do dance solos every show! We can just kick Twitch out!"

Twitch laughed from his spot at the DJ booth, eyes sparkling with mirth.

Magnus laughed along. "I wish. I am so very lucky to get to do what I do each day. I am forever grateful for the talent reality shows growing in popularity so that people like me have a chance to be discovered when we never would've had the resources otherwise."

"Yes, there is a lot of talent in America and beyond, and it is so great that these incredible people reaching their dreams."

"Definitely." Magnus agreed, sipping at the mug of water in front of him.

"Speaking of dreams, how is your tour going? This is, what, your third US tour? Any plans to go further?"

"It's been incredible. We have a beautiful country that I get to see so much of and it is amazing to be able to meet so many fans from all over. I'd love to go further, like Europe or another continent, but there are a lot of logistics to work out when going that far. Also need to be sure the demand is high enough to warrant it."

"Oh come on. There has to be enough demand around the globe. You're amazing!"

The audience cheered alongside her sentiment.

Magnus wasn't great at taking compliments, and he was grateful his dark skin didn't show his blush well. "Thank you. We'll see. Hopefully next tour."

"So what is new this tour? I know you have a couple dates in Canada this time around, and obviously you're promoting your newest album, but I see you've also found yourself a bigger security team."

Magnus nodded. "Yes, my manager thought it would be wise to have people with better qualifications than a previous bouncer at a bar, given the magnitude of this tour."

"And your head of security, Alec. I met him earlier. He seems to know what he's doing."

A photo of Alec appeared on the screen behind them, his head bent to murmur directions in Magnus' ear as they moved through a crowd of people all trying to get a handful of the star. It was at one of the concert venues last week. His eyes were intense, one of his big hands on Magnus' lower back, but he was every bit as gorgeous as ever.

The audience certainly seemed to think so, if their sudden cheering was anything to go by.

Ellen grinned. "He's not for me, of course, but everyone here seems to think what my staff tell me – he's… pretty."

Magnus rolled his eyes. "Pretty infuriating, but sure."

She laughed. "Is this the old-married-couple bickering I've heard rumors about? The tabloids seem to catch the pair of you arguing a lot."

The photo on the screen changed to one of him and Alec clearly in the middle of some spat, Alec's eyes mid-rolling while Magnus' mouth was twisted in an irritated scowl.

"I wouldn't call it that, but yes, we argue a lot. He's a bit uptight and bossy and I've never been good at being told what to do. Makes for interesting interactions. But I do know what he is doing is important and he is good at what he does."

"So you trust him at least?"

Magnus nodded. "With my life."

There was a series of aws throughout the studio and he wrinkled his nose at the audience.

"Well, he works my security! I should hope he can protect my life!" he said exasperatedly to the group.

Laughter broke out through the studio and he shrugged at Ellen for her amused expression.

"You make a good point. It is important you feel safe. How does he do that? Lots of wrapping you in his big arms?"

Magnus shot her a warning look, which only made her laugh.

"Not quite. It typically means me sitting on the sidelines while—"

But his spiel was interrupted by the table next to them bursting open with a shriek and a glittery disco-ball-looking costumed person running away off stage.

Magnus had startled so badly he had moved without thinking and found himself half-straddled on the back of the chair before burying his face in the cushion.

"Ellen! Why?! I thought I was in the clear since you didn't scare me last time!" he shouted at her amongst the eruption from the audience at the scene.

She was cackling in her seat, wiping her eyes. "I didn't get you last time because I wanted to make sure you came back."

"Oh, I see, so you built my trust up just to break it?!" he said hysterically, climbing back into his seat.

It was when he was resettling that he spotted Alec losing it off-stage and he flipped him his middle finger.

The audience roared with laughter again.

"Sorry. Forgot this was day time TV. That is not a nice gesture to do, kids." Magnus said directly to the camera before turning back to the host.

"I see you were right about your relationship with your head of security."

Magnus shrugged. "We're complicated, but I think it works." He glanced back at Alec to see him smiling, small and private, aimed right at him. He felt something in his chest flutter.

He dragged his eyes back to Ellen to see him watching him knowingly and he corrected his throat.

"So now that my heart has restarted, shall we continue?" he asked.

"Speaking of your heart, anyone stolen it these days?"

He knew she wouldn't let it slide. She was a successful talk show host for a reason. She had incredible observation skills, a heart of gold, and knew how to ask direct questions without hesitation.

Magnus chuckled. "Not at the moment. This tour is keeping me pretty busy. I barely have time to FaceTime my cats."

"Nobody on your team? No one you travel with and stick close to their side…" she trailed off, glancing pointedly in Alec's direction, and he laughed.

"Nope. Just me."

Ellen sighed heavily, throwing him a forgiving grin, and then thankfully moved on to asking him about his inspiration for his most popular new song.

It was mid-morning the next day when Alec got a call from Izzy.

"Hey big bro. I saw Magnus on Ellen yesterday." she said teasingly, and he could tell it was going in a direction he didn't like.

"Glad you enjoyed the show." he said as he zipped his suitcase closed.

"Oh Alec, don't be like that. Be honest - is there something going on between you two?"

"No? Of course not! He's my client. And even if he wasn't, we bicker more than we talk. I told you—he drives me crazy some days."

"I know, but I figured that the best sex always starts with a little tension."

"Jesus, Izzy!" Alec groaned, rubbing a hand over his face.

She laughed. "Well, was he honest on the show? I know some fans still stupidly want him back together with Camille, but he never looked happy with her. Is he still single?"

"You know, I didn't take this job so I could be your spy on all things Magnus Bane." Alec said irritably, pushing his arm through his leather jacket.

Magnus was walking by when he heard it, and he couldn't help the swell of pride in his chest along with pure amusement at Alec's irritability. He nudged the door open further with a knock of his knuckles and held out his hand for the phone.

Alec sent him a look, but Magnus simply gestured for him to pass it over and Alec sighed as he gave him the phone.

"Magnus Bane speaking. Now, may I ask who's asking about me before I spill all my secrets?" Magnus said cheekily, eyes locked on Alec.

Alec was smothering a grin with difficulty, going back to getting ready. He knew his sister was about to lose her mind, especially since Alec hadn't been able to give her any warning. She had watched every episode of that damn reality show and had loved Magnus ever since. She was so excited when Alec told her he had been hired on to work with him.

"Holy shit." The female voice on the other end of the line breathed. "Hi. Sorry, I'm Isabelle. Or Izzy. Whatever you prefer."

The photo from Alec's phone popped into his head, along with the conversation he peeked at. So this was Izzy.

"Nice to make your acquaintance. Alec never told me he had a lady friend." Magnus said, slipping a little away from the bedroom now so Alec wouldn't necessarily hear.

To his surprise, Izzy broke out into loud laughter. "Yeah, well, Alec doesn't really do 'lady friends' of any kind. Regardless, I'm not his girlfriend—I'm his sister."

Magnus' eyebrows shot into his hairline and he couldn't help the grin that formed on his face by the news. He felt stupid for not considering that possibility before. Thinking back to her photo, the family resemblance was obvious.

"So you can't tell me about any top secret skeletons in his closet?"

Izzy laughed. "Not much to tell in the relationship area, if that's what you're after. I'll leave it to my big brother to fill you in on any… um… closeted details."

Although he knew her wording was a nod to his, he figured her awkwardness about it meant that maybe Alec was gay. He had hoped in his wildest dreams that it was a possibility, given the way Alec blushed so spectacularly at any flirting hew threw his direction and the way his eyes never followed even the most gorgeous of women that walked past, but after seeing him reacquaint with Lydia the day before, he was wondering if they were old flames.

He was enjoying this phone call more and more.

"Well, enough about your brother. Tell me about you. And you can ask me anything you want to know."

Meanwhile, Alec finished getting ready and came out to find Magnus chatting animatedly with Izzy on the phone like they were old friends. He was sprawled out in the armchair, legs flopped over the armrest, and he seemed perfectly at ease.

Alec never would understand the ease at which Magnus could communicate with people. He never seemed nervous or worried about saying the wrong thing—it was like he knew exactly what to say or ask with everyone to keep them interested, entertained and above all else – feeling special. It was fascinating to witness, especially since all Alec had ever managed to do was make people feel afraid of him or just plain uncomfortable.

Alec met Magnus' eyes and twirled his finger in a 'wrap it up' gesture, pointing to his watch.

Magnus rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Izzy. Your brother is giving me the finger."

"Hey!"

Magnus grinned, clearly pleased with himself for his choice of wording. "I'll text you my number, Isabelle, and we can continue this conversation later."

He said his goodbyes and tossed the phone back to Alec. He looked down to see Izzy had already hung up. Sheesh. She had called to talk to him originally and she hadn't even bothered to say bye.

He supposed that was the magic of Magnus though. He had the ability to make you feel like you were the only person in the world at the time.

"All right. Let's get going then." Magnus said, grabbing his bag and hoisting it over his shoulder. "I like your sister by the way. She had a lot of interesting things to say about you, too."

Alec blanched. "Wait, like what?"

Magnus continued walking out of the door, not turning back.

"Magnus! Like what?!"

Continue to Chapter 4

[kiss-my-freckle]

Katarina & Ilya

Histories.

Not one alternate history, but two. Simple math. Because one fake identity can’t protect two people. 

Katarina: Don’t you understand? He was my asset. I’d been siphoning intel off of him for years. You don’t think we had plans in place to destroy him if he ever found out that he was sleeping with the enemy? Money in secret accounts. Paper trails of payoffs. Passports in safety-deposit boxes - evidence that I didn’t steal his secrets, but that he shared them with me. Ilya: Alternate history.

I believe this was their reason for introducing the crossword puzzle before they actually introduced Ilya Koslov. Because he has an alternate history as well, but they left his out of the episode so they could focus on Katarina’s rebirth. 

Katarina is Ilya (Thanks, George)

Suitcase parallels gif set. Rassvet parallels gif set. 

Red would already know “Katarina’s” location if she were his imposter creation, especially a hire like Vanessa Cruz. 

Red’s emotional investment. You can tell this is someone he loves and cares for, and has for a long time. 

An imposter creation wouldn’t be in danger. Whether she were wearing a Sinclair-created face or using Katarina’s identity, discontinued use would be a simple solution. This is someone Red had to travel to Paris for. 

Despite her being wanted by two powerful countries, no one has been able to locate her in the 30 years she’s been missing. This leads me to believe she’ll be someone who hasn’t been actively using Katarina’s identity. 

Paper trails. The passports. The travel. This would be Ilya. He’s the one who did Katarina’s passports and paperwork, and likely did Virginia’s as well. I believe he has a specific signature, a way of doing things - to the point it would get noticed by those who know this. I believe that’s how The Stranger was able to locate her so quickly. 

Ilya: Good luck, Anna Croft. Katarina: Money in secret accounts, paper trails of payoffs. Passports in safety-deposit boxes. Katarina: You’re gonna take the ferry to New London, and then you’ll take the bus to Boston. Katarina: Ilya liquidated his bank account to access cash. It’s in this suitcase, and it’s enough to go wherever you want. There are documents in there - a passport, a Social Security card - everything you’ll need. Katarina: For this to work, we’d need passports, cash, access, time. Ilya is likely the one who set up the p,o, box for Dom and Virginia.  Ressler: I don’t understand. The letter was sent to a woman. Jake: Well, the box is registered to a Tracey Ivers, but that’s the guy who picked it up.

The way Red and The Stranger refer to "Katarina.”

When Red spoke of them searching for her, he only referred to “Katarina.” 

Red: They’re actively looking for Katarina.

Not “They’re actively looking for her.”

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina -

Not “If Moscow is looking for her -

When The Stranger spoke of Katarina, he only referred to “her.”

The Stranger: I found her.

Not “I found Katarina.”

The Stranger: It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.

Not “It’s Katarina. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s Katarina.

The Stranger refers to Red as Raymond, Liz as Masha, but Oleander as Dom. Red refers to Agnes as “Masha’s daughter.” 

The Stranger seems to know Red’s real identity as well as Katarina’s. 

The Stranger has the kind of access to track and locate “this woman.”

The Stranger understates -

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina - if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search - The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.

It could be more than bad. And if The Stranger knew how bad, he wouldn’t have to ask if Red were sure about this. 

The Stranger: Raymond, are you sure about this? If you’re not sure - Red: I’m sure. 

I believe the writers are purposefully misleading, hoping we’ll believe The Stranger is Ilya. Pushing it too much for my taste.

Their trust & childhood friendship -

Rassvet (6x19): Alone in a foreign country after a mission goes catastrophically wrong, Katarina Rostova goes on the run to avoid the forces trying to hunt her down. Out of options, she seeks the only person she trusts: a man who has vowed to always protect her.

Ilya: Well, we pledged our lives to each other. Katarina: When we were 6. Ilya: And a promise is a promise.

Stranger: Have I ever let you down? Red: Once. When we were children. Stranger: You wouldn’t give back the truck. I’ll get this done. Red: You’re always so optimistic. Stranger: I thought that’s why you loved me. Red: I love you because I can trust you.

The overall feel of their relationship comes off different. 

Red knowing “Katarina’s” status. Canon and dialogues. 

Because everyone likes to scream “canon!” Red doesn’t lie to Liz.

Red knew the woman was alive. If he truly believed "Katarina" was dead, then he wouldn't have bothered to search for her. He would've continued thinking her dead and considered the Russians’ search for her to be a complete waste of time. The moment he found out diplomatic plates were looking for intel, he set up a meeting with his friend. Had he simply assumed her dead, he would've had things in place that made it possible to actively search for her for the past 30 years, yet he only cared to look for her when he found out the Russians were.

Proof that he knew she was alive -

Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

He wasn’t talking about the meeting in Paris, he was talking about his friend locating her. So Red knew and felt he could depend on his friend getting this done. If he truly believed her dead, again - wouldn’t have bothered. 

More proof that he knew she was alive -

Liz: You put Agnes at risk. Red: Agnes was never at risk.

Red would NEVER put Agnes at risk. 

“If MY Katarina was still here, she would have let me know.” - Dom, 6x19

Red’s “Oh, my God.“ when looking at the photo of “Katarina” falls parallel to Naomi’s facial response to seeing “Red” in S2. Not the kind of response from someone who supposedly believed her dead. He continues looking at the photo. 

The Townsend Directive.

Why I believe it has nothing to do with the President's conspiracy or Red's criminal empire, and everything to do with Red himself - with who he is. 

The President’s conspiracy literally started at the start of the season, so it lasted as long as most their story arcs do. Dr. Hans Koehler was killed by The Corsican after having facial surgery to infiltrate the U.N. and plant one of Max’s bombs. They’re not going to drag this conspiracy out another season. JB himself stated that the President's conspiracy is "Not what you expect." Because it had nothing to do with the fate of the country and everything to do with Diaz’s reputation. 

The writers confirmed its conclusion in interview. Two examples -

The season has involved watching the plot of the president (guest star Benito Martinez), a plot where the president plans to assassinate himself and nobody knows why. “We finally get to put that story to bed tonight, in what I think is a really surprising and unexpected way,” executive producer John Eisendrath exclusively tells Parade.com. “This is a blockbuster finish!” (Link)

"I think what we have coming up in tonight's episode is the resolution to a season-long conspiracy," Bokenkamp said. "This all started with our first episode of the season, with a bombing at the U.N. and a cover-up, and it has led us to this episode, where we are presented with the question of 'why would the president of the United States be part of and support a plot to assassinate the president of the United States?' So we've got great stakes. Our Task Force has been arrested, Anna McMahon is in charge, it's a big episode, it's a lot of fun, and I think it ultimately has a really surprising and satisfying answer." (Link)

Nor do I believe this is specific to Red’s criminal empire. He dealt with his employees when he got out of prison. 

I believe it’s more specific to Red and his true identity.  Leslie Townsend's Story, Hidden in Plain Sight. 

In episode 18, Dembe walked away from Red.

Red: Where are you going? Dembe: I’ve followed your path long enough. It’s time I follow my own.

In episode 20, Ressler informed Liz.

Ressler: A couple of weeks ago, I got the drop on some KGB mook who had heard that I was looking into Katarina. Wanted to know what kind of leads I had.

In episode 21, Liz informed Red.

Red: Your mother can’t hurt you. Liz: Because she’s dead? The Russians don’t seem to think so. When Ressler was trying to help me find out who you were, he went looking for her and was confronted by the KGB about what he found out. 

In episode 22, Dembe returned.

Where in episode 22 did Dembe return? Let’s look at the timeline. Red asked Ressler about the Russians Liz mentioned in episode 21. Almost immediately, he set up a meeting with The Stranger because of the diplomatic plates. As I mentioned above, Red didn’t say the Russians were actively looking for this specific woman, he said they were looking for “Katarina.” He also didn’t refer to this specific woman as “Katarina.” He simply said he wanted “this” done. The Stranger replied in kind. “I’ll get this done.” So he needed to locate this specific woman before Agnes got home. This being what led to the Townsend Directive and Dembe’s return. 

Red: So, are you back? Does this mean I’m forgiven? Dembe: The Townsend Directive. Our friend in Miami says it’s in play. Red: Is that why you’re here? Dembe: He says it’s very important.

Dembe basically telling Red just as Red told Liz -

Liz: So where does that leave us? Red: With a case. Until it’s solved, our conflict can wait.

Red: It’s critical. But not as critical as knowing why you’re here.

Red confirming it’s critical because Dembe has been gone since 6x18, but he wants to know where they stand and he’s not willing to wait for that answer. 

Dembe: I said I needed to follow my own path. I did. It led me back to you.

"You" being a gender-neutral pronoun. That's like Jennifer saying "you" when Red told her the CIA and the KGB were hunting one individual. We’ve heard much of Katarina throughout the season. From the very beginning during Red’s trial. Discussions about her between Red and Liz and the danger she poses to Agnes. Red’s conversations with Dom as he sought advice on Dembe. And in 6x19 with DomTimeStories. The one scene that stuck out to me was Dembe’s with Liz in General Shiro’s episode.

Liz: He said I reminded him of my mother. That’s what he said when I asked him why he gave us this case. Dembe: He’s right. You remind me of her too.

I believe Dembe was referring to Katarina. “It led me back to you.” Take this to the end scene with imposter Katarina. I bring this up because Katarina is someone Dembe loves, you can tell by his face. I do believe Dembe went to Paris with Red. “And we need to be someplace.” It’s one thing for Red to take a meeting alone while Dembe watches from a car down the street, and quite another to venture another country without backup. One can’t be sure, but it’s possible Dembe was resting comfortably in the back of the van that took Red. 

Putting on a show. 

It’s of no coincidence that Dembe returns just as Red is about to meet up with “Katarina” in Paris. And yet - we don’t see Dembe at all. Now, many questioning if Dembe is currently siding with the real Katarina because they don’t want her to be an imposter. Well, she is. Not once did Red or The Stranger refer to her as Katarina. In fact, this scene is the only time she’s referred to as such, and Red was the one who made the reference. 

What does Red do? He calls out Katarina. I’m sure that pulled their watchers to the window. What I couldn’t figure out while considering this scene, is why the Russians would remain perched rather than attempting to arrest her. She’s walking down the street alone. Not only at the start of the scene, but after the van leaves with Red. Quite calm, while seemingly being watched. But is she being watched by the Russians? So I went back to Ressler being watched by the Russians. 

Notice the man refers to Dom as Katarina’s father rather than Oleander. 

Shadow: My superiors. They want to know why you’re interested in Katarina Rostova’s father.

And he warns Ressler. Shadow: We’ll be watching, Agent Ressler. 

These aren’t shadows. If they were, they’d have been following “Katarina” as they were following Ressler. They remained perched in the window as if not knowing who they were watching. Regular citizens to act as witnesses like that homeless girl Jennifer paid off. “You’ll never believe what I saw outside my window! This blonde woman named Katarina injected and kidnapped some man in a hat.” Now you have a witness stating such a thing, and able to give a descriptions of both. The woman, purposefully making her injection needle visible to their audience. Now the Russians have a solid lead. Katarina is in Paris and she just kidnapped RR. 

Remember Liz on her phone, and Ross faking her kidnapping? Much like the kids in The Third Estate. Now the opposite side because they need evidence opposite the Seaduke evidence. "Katarina" stages her torture and death. Leaves the real Katarina's DNA behind.

“Are they watching?”

Think of Sutton Ross and Liz in the S5 finale. And as I already pointed out in another post, Red proved in an open courtroom that Katarina framed him for treason. So within a single episode, this friend of Red’s supposedly finds the one woman two powerful countries hasn’t been able to locate in the past 30 years, and we're to fall for it along with this scene? ahahahaha

Many thanks to my fellow Rederina theorists on fb.  I’ll edit to add as new stuff arises. 

[eaitlinaw-blog]

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[thesportssoundoff]

“Future Glory For Former Champions?” Two Guys Opine

Slight opening first: This was done in late November and @theanticool​  had his done first. With so many shows and news, I Wanted to wait to post it because so much has gone down and I didn’t want it getting buried. It was completed a few days before Anderson Silva vs Israel Adesanya was confirmed as not just being a fight but being a #1 contender fight. Just a heads up on that.

Two Dudes Opine!

As most of you know by listening to any sort of DojoTalkPodcast cameo I’ve done, @theanticool and I don’t agree on much of anything. That said, it’s an absolute joy to bounce ideas around, especially in the idea vacuum that is MMA, and have some good old fashioned debate on things. Conversation creates smarter people in my estimation and I obviously need all the help I can get!

I wanted to take this concept and sort of test how often we truly agree and disagree. As such, I figured he and I might want to dabble a bit to see just HOW often we agree or disagree. Once he agreed after many meetings and contractual negotiations, we agreed on a concept: I’m going to come up with a topic and present him with a list of names inside that topic. Independently we’ll each go through the names provided and see just how we match up at the end of this grabbag assignment. Our first project focused on prospects coming off a loss and I think it’s worth pointing out that Yair, Arjan Bhullar and Cynthia Calvillo were all featured in the discussion and all have gone on to win.  This month we have:

In the UFC, it's very hard to regain titles after you lose them. In the modern era, only TJ Dillashaw has flat out won back a title he lost (Daniel Cormier was given it back due to Jon Jones' drug test failure while Jose Aldo won an interim title before getting elevated up to championship status). Fighters such as Aldo, Rashad Evans, Junior Dos Santos and countless others have all come up short in quests to either regain gold or find new gold in other weight classes. With that as the set up, which of the following fighters can either regain their title in their current weight class or find championship success either up or down a weight class: 

 Conor McGregor 

 Cody Garbrandt 

 Robbie Lawler 

 Holly Holm 

 Chris Weidman 

 Anderson Silva

I’m in the bold and @theanticool is in italics!

Conor McGregor- I mean if you want to manipulate it just right, Conor McGregor can absolutely find his way back to the title scene! Conor's a weird one for me---and I'm beginning to wonder if the Conor McGregor we saw at 145 lbs was more about right time, right place and perhaps even right matchmaking than anything else. Conor's wins at 145 lbs are amazing from Chad Mendes to Jose Aldo to Dustin Poirier to even a quality mid level gatekeeper type like Dennis Siver. Even Max Holloway was a case of maybe two guys facing off before they're ready to do so. Since going up in weight, Conor's 2-2. The Eddie Alvarez fight was an absolute demolition job and one of the best wins of his career given the opponent BUT I'm a bit less high up on Alvarez after seeing him struggle with Poirier twice. The Diaz fights revealed problems with Conor's pacing but also his ability to deal with the same stylistic challenges he gives others. Lengthy opponents who won't allow him to just walk them down, put them against the cage and tee off. That and to be honest? I'm really not that high up on Nate Diaz either. The Khabib performance was really good given the circumstances (long layoff from MMA, stylistic nightmare, hurt early in the fight) but THIS is what lurks at the top at 155 lbs. Khabib, Kevin Lee, Tony Ferguson, a rejuvenated (yet still flawed) Dustin Poirier, Al Iaquinta plus other really great fighters who don't get their due because of the weight class depth. This is not to say that Conor McGregor loses to all of those guys or even that he's not a great fighter---he's just a great fighter as opposed to the meteoric supernova who ran through 145 lbs with such ease. Guys like Justin Gaethje are conditioned to wins wars of attrition, something Conor struggled with vs Nate. Guys like Kevin Lee and Al Iaquinta present enough of a well rounded overall game to where you could sort of see them finding ways to get Conor in enough bad spots to steal a decision. Tony Ferguson, Dustin Poirier and Khabib are elite and while Poirier's rise to the top hasn't changed the fighter he is, I think his chances in a rematch are waaaay better now that he's not completely sunken in. This doesn't even account for Ortega or Holloway coming up eventually as well.

But this isn't about Conor entirely; it's about his chances to get back in the title picture. Conor is basically a long frustrating Khabib suspension away from being in a title fight, even if it's just an interim at 155 lbs. If the UFC opens up 165 lbs, they are absolutely going to hand him a shot to fight for the belt because that's business. Shit, Conor is one win away from facing Colby Covington (Oh lord have mercy) or even opening up the doors for something with Tyron Woodley. Conor McGregor is a star and stars can get away with doing things like that. It also helps that he's a great enough fighter that the public can absolutely buy him potentially beating a guy like Tony Ferguson or Colby Covington or Woodley or whomever pops up at 165 lbs. What Conor does well at, he's one of the best at and that will always give him a shot. Again the people he's ACTUALLY beaten are among some of the best in the sports history----so who am I to say he can't get back into the title picture?

Conor McGregor

I can see Conor politicking himself back into title contention. Let’s be real, he’s never going to be far from a title shot. With Khabib Nurmagomedov’s future kind of up in the air with the pending investigation of the NSAC and his father stating that he doesn’t want his son fighting past 30, the lightweight title could be up for grabs soon. Not to mention Khabib and Tony Ferguson are injury prone individuals. If one or both of them get hurt, McGregor is right back in the title picture. And should Ferguson and Khabib fall out of the picture, I’d like McGregor’s chances against the likes of Dustin Poirier, Kevin Lee (maybe less so him but still), Justin Gaethje, Anthony Pettis, and Nate Diaz. Heck, if the UFC ever decides to make that 165lb division you know McGregor going for his 3rd belt would be too much for the UFC to pass up. If McGregor continues fighting, he will eventually get another shot because of his popularity. By that virtue alone, he’s got a better shot than most former champions of getting a UFC  title.

Cody Garbrandt- I still like Cody but there be some issues here. For starters, backs, necks and knees don't get better. That's especially true for fighters who rely on their reflexes and quick twitch ability to enter into exchanges and for their defense. Garbrandt having back problems at the scant age of 27 is rather worrisome. That's more worrisome than the fact that he now has two losses to the champ TJ Dillashaw. Bantamweight is a bit like heavyweight and so like JDS vs Cain, Cody could realistically always just be a title change away from being back in the picture. I'm sure when I read Anticool's retort, he's not going to agree here but I DO think Cody can beat TJ. They've fought twice and he's hurt TJ and both fights. The difference is that Dillashaw is a way better finisher (If TJ knocks Cruz down the way Cody does then the fight's over) and Dillashaw instinct wise just seems better. He seems more capable of surviving bad exchanges, smarter with adjustments and more willing to not be prideful (Garbrant absolutely stands with Lineker and nobody can convince me otherwise). For Cody to get back to the top, he needs to beat somebody in the top 5 but outside of Jimmie Rivera, I don't see a lot of willing matchups. I'm on the fence here.

Cody Garbrandt

MMA is not like boxing. Getting knocked out back to back doesn’t spell immediate doom and gloom for your career. It’s still not a good look though. I really hated the immediate rematch between Garbrandt and Dillashaw because I saw it as potentially burning out a young prospect’s career in a chase for quick money. And I honestly don’t know how Garbrandt will turn out till we see him fight someone in the top 10 at bantamweight who isn’t TJ Dillashaw or Dominick Cruz. This division is currently brimming with young talented fighters who are improving dramatically between fights, while Garbrandt seemingly hasn’t. We need to see him build on his current boxing game. Maybe use more of his wrestling. Add some tools to his kickboxing arsenal that aren’t reliant on the fact that he has a lot of power in his hands. I will reserve judgement on him till we see him fight again. We just don’t know where he’s at after coming up short twice to someone he hates. That has to be mentally exhausting.

Robbie Lawler- Oh what Robbie Lawler has brought to us. Nobody should forget 2013 to 2015 when Lawler fought Johnny Hendricks twice, Jake Ellenberger, Rory MacDonald twice and Matt Brown off the top of my head. Since then? I think Robbie might be broken, dudes. Lawler is 2-2 but should really be 1-3 (fight me about it, guys) and all of those fights seemed less about the skill he had and more about the heart he still possesses. You don't have the fight of year in back to back to back years without losing a piece of you in the process and it's perhaps made all the more remarkable when you consider Robbie fought four times in 2014 and has seen the number decline from 4 to 1 in 2015 to 2 in 2016 to 2 in 2017 to nada in 2018. The matter was made worse by an ACL injury sustained in a fight vs RDA where he was pretty much wiped out even if he didn't ever seem to be in danger of being finished. I like Robbie a lot and I think a serious convo will be had about him as a hall of fame talent AND I remember when the UFC made him one of the first big signings BACK from Strikeforce when everybody had mailed it in on Lawler. A return to WW made him great again but now? I think the time has come and gone. Robbie's 36 years old coming off knee surgery in a division that's ripe to get younger real quick. Of course I can't ignore the shades of Koscheck vs Lawler with this Askren booking but Ben's a lot better than Josh was at that point in his career. I think the Lawler days are done.

Robbie Lawler

Hindsight is 20/20. It looks like Lawler’s fight with Condit was his last real hurrah. The Lawler that went toe-to-toe with Johny Hendricks twice and had one of the greatest fights of all time with Rory MacDonald is gone. And fair enough. That MacDonald fight honestly would have been the end of most other guys’ careers. If his fight with Rafael Dos Anjos is any indication, I do think Lawler has something left in the tank if his body can stay together for 15-25 minutes. He’s still got a lot of technical savvy and he’s still tough as hell, but I can see his upcoming fight with Ben Askren going south if the man can’t generate the volume we’ve seen from him in the past. I don’t foresee another title reign in Lawler’s future, as sad as that makes me. But he’s proved us wrong before.

Holly Holm- Chances are Holly Holm will absolutely fight for a title and pretty soon. Can she win it? Yeah, I actually kinda sorta think she can. Holm's title losses can be summed as getting taken out of her game by a very gutsy Meisha Tate, some sketchy borderline late work from Germaine De Randamie and getting outphysical'd by Cris Cyborg. Holly Holm is still a good yet flawed fighter who will probably be able to out athlete most of the fighters she faces AND if we're being 100% fair? She and Mike Winkeljohn feel like one of those pairings that just click. That on its own could be enough to get her not just back in the title picture but win her title especialyl if Nunes is broken vs Cyborg. I still think there’s SOME paper lion in Amanda Nunes’ game and I could see Holm giving her all she can handle.

Holly Holm

Of the 6 fighters considered for this article, Holly Holm is my pick for best chance to regain her former title. At least by doing it the “right” way. Of the 6, I think she’s in the best place mentally and physically. She has not shown she’s falling apart yet like Lawler and Weidman. She hasn’t shown she has slowed down yet like Silva. We haven’t seen her succumb to her own hubris yet like Garbrandt has twice. And women’s bantamweight isn’t the shark tank division that lightweight is. She can and most likely will get another shot at the women’s bantamweight title. Plus Holm presents a whole slew of challenges for Amanda Nunes that we have yet to see Nunes face. She’s a range kicker who can fight hard for 5 rounds, set a solid pace, and will have a good sized reach advantage on the outside. And unlike Shevchenko, Holm will throw volume. That of course means she’s going to leave herself more open to counters from arguably the hardest hitting woman in the sport but Nunes is fighting on a short timer. If Holm can survive the first round, you know she’s going to be the fresher of the two from rounds 2-5.

Chris Weidman- This is the one I'm most on the fence about. If Chris Weidman cuts less weight, goes up to 205 lbs and manages to stay relatively break free? I don't see why he couldn't do something really good at the top of the division. We're seeing worse fighters step in against top 10/top 15 LHWs and have zero issue being not just competitive but thrust into title contention. I know their respective styles are different but Weidman can absolutely pull an Anthony Smith; feast on being the more athletic guy with more tools in his arsenal vs bigger guys who may not even be all THAT bigger. I'm just beginning to wonder if Chris Weidman might be for a lack of a better term broken. Perhaps broken beyond repair. Weidman's kind of in that Gray Maynard stage for me now and I think that's worse than it sounds to some people. Gray Maynard after the Edgar fights was still competitive AND improving in some capacities---but his chin was cooked, his wrestling suddenly seemed either outdated or ill equipped to deal with the rising talent levels and even when he was doing good, you just felt a sense of inevitability. I never once felt like Jacare was in danger of losing vs Weidman but I spend every second of that fight believing we were just one something away from it falling apart for Chris Weidman. It's one of those weird feelings to see a fighter doing really well and just feel almost resigned to an inevitable bad thing happening. Chris Weidman fights in a much easier division at 185 lbs than Gray Maynard and could move up to an even EASIER division at 205 lbs. The problem is I just wonder how many times we can see Weidman with a bloodied up face saying "I'll be back from this" before we just have to accept that Chris Weidman hit the point of no return on his career? It's entirely possible that his win over Gastelum (another fight where he got hurt really badly) was a brief last gasp for his career as a whole. Weidman's ability to will himself through wars of attrition hasn't diminished but his body's ability to hold up in those fights has.

Chris Weidman is the ultimate boom or bust guy; the boom says that he could possibly be the champ at 205 lbs if Jon Jones vacates the premises while the bust is that Weidman takes unneeded additional damage against bigger guys who hit him really hard. I'd like to see Chris Weidman TRY at 205 lbs, maybe against a relatively easy touch. It's often times been said that the UFC doesn't just start giving guys easier opponents when they're earning bank so Weidman has a really good shot to walk into 205 lbs and be greeted by an OSP or a Shogun or someone who has name value and is probably good enough to test him. If it doesn't work then we can call it a day but if it does, I think Weidman has a sizable chance to find a way to the title.

Chris Weidman

Weidman will never be champion again at 185lbs. You can’t get stopped in 4 of your last 5 fights and expect my confidence in your chances at the belt. I am not sold on the idea though that Chris Weidman is a chinny fighter so there’s no way he could cut it at 205. Most of his stoppage losses have seemed to have come from exhaustion as much as they’ve come from eating a big shot. Weidman needs to control the pace to win fights. He can’t rely on his wrestling because it’s too draining on his stamina, except against Gastelum who basically did nothing to stop the grappling game of Weidman. It’s why we’ve seen him change from a come forward pressure fighter to an out fighter. I think his team thought it would be easier on Weidman to control his output and range if he didn’t constantly have to move forward. Problem is that being an out fighter requires a lot of movement, pivoting, and things that also require a lot of energy and precision. Weidman can’t afford to let the flow of fights get away from his because it drains his gas tank too quickly. It’s how Jacare eventually wore him down. That’s why we see him win the first round of fights where he ultimately gets stopped. When other fighters do not concede, Weidman fades. I think a move to 205 could help with a lot of these issues. No more weight cut, no more energy dump after 6-7 minutes of fighting. I am afraid though that all the injuries and the big cuts to make 185lbs are cutting short his career. The first 5 minutes of his fight with Jacare, however, was some of the best we’ve seen Weidman look technically. There could be hope for him yet at 205. I don’t know if he has what it takes to beat an Alexander Gustafsson or Jon Jones. When you consider those guys are just as likely to get either hurt (Gus) or suspended on some dumb (Jones) though, the division could be wide open for Weidman to come through and make a title run.

Anderson Silva-  Silva will not will a title. Will he fight for one? He shouldn't but he will, right? Remember Anderson Silva could have an argument to having beat Michael Bisping and he owns a win over Derek Brunson who is a top 10 gatekeeper. Silva could even go as far back as to point out that there was SOME talk that if he beat Nick Diaz, he would've gotten a title fight. My best guess is that when Silva's back, he is just one fight away. After all who isn't in MMA these days?

Anderson Silva

No. In terms of fighters that are past it, I actually think Silva is on the upper end of guys who are still functioning. If Tito Ortiz would be a sizeable favorite over 95% of fighters on the regional scene, Anderson Silva is a favorite over most middleweights not in the top 20 and probably a lot of mid-tier 205ers. His super close fights with Derek Brunson and future champion Michael Bisping attest to his ability to stick around the upper end of the division. Problem for him is the high end of middleweight has become a shark tank of athletes with well rounded technical games. He would no longer be fighting the Chael Sonnens and Yushin Okamis of the world. And honestly I don’t need to see Yoel Romero flying knee Silva’s head through the fence. I’m good. I’m content with his upcoming fight with Israel Adesanya. Of all the fights he could have gotten against the top of the division, with the exception of maybe Kelvin Gastelum, Israel Adesanya is probably the most kind. I do expect Silva to picked apart here. I don’t expect to see Silva bum rush his way into something crazy like Derek Brunson did and I don’t expect Adesanya to push a crazy pace in search of the stoppage. Maybe we’ll get some fun spinning stuff but I think the fight ends up looking similar to the Adesanya-Tavares fight - Silva being unable to pull the trigger while Adesanya casually styles on him.

[rewolfaekilerom]

ginny & georgia is good.

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 05.01.2021//

Let me start by saying that I tried to think of a clever title for this post, but all I could think of was the simple fact that I really like Ginny & Georgia. Excuse my lack of cleverness this week. I’m not sure if it’s my body responding to the first vaccine dose or if it’s the fog of seasonal allergies, but my brain is mush; my sense of smell is also not right. Also, Bug scratched the hair off of one of her ears (I’m pretty sure that’s seasonal allergies, poor thing) and I’ve spent a cumulative 15 hours this past week rendering, exporting, and uploading one single video onto YouTube for work (lost story short: I’m back at the rendering stage after I realized the audio got unsynced in the second half of the video. Ugh). It’s been a WEEK.

Excuses, excuses.

So, while I wait for my laundry and as I take a break from New Pokemon Snap (omg, it’s so good), I thought I’d brain-vomit my thoughts about Ginny & Georgia. Proving true to the portrait I gave of myself in my last post, I’m happy (or embarrassed?) to say that I watched Ginny & Georgia (henceforth G&G) twice this week. I finished episode 10 and immediately started rewatching episode 1, and it’s taking everything in me to not start rewatching for a third time. But depending on what you consider a week, I might be on week two now? ANYWAY.

I’ll start this brain-dump by saying, again, I really like this show. I described it to friends as a cross between Gilmore Girls and Pretty Little Liars or Outer Banks–maybe with a touch of Dexter. I don’t think it’s just that, but I think that’s a good way to summarize how it feels to watch the show, and those are good things in my book. GG and Dexter are probably in my top 5 favorite TV shows, and OB is up there too. I’ve watched OB through twice, and it definitely quenched my mid-winter thirst for the beach and my perpetual desire for a solid mystery/intrigue. I grew up watching the Travel Channel, so any show set in an even moderately interesting locale is immediately catching my interest. Oh, and I watched the entire PLL series with my mom while I was a teenager and even after I went away to college; it was “our show”–our way of sharing cultural ground even when I was away from home for the first time. We watched each episode together when it aired on TV, and we’d be the first to admit that the show was–at best–illogical, comically dramatic, and unrealistic to the umpth degree. But sometimes it’s fun to watch a show and laugh at its absurdity.

G&G doesn’t fall into the same traps that a lot of those types of teen shows do. It has drama and intrigue; it has sex and “teen problems” (which are really just person problems). But it also has real conversations about race and sexuality and parent-child relationships that go beyond the CW/Freeform problem-for-problem’s-sake model (hi, PLL)) or the WB squeaky-clean-problems approach (I’m talking to you, Seventh Heaven). It takes a Skins approach to issues young people face–well, if Skins was made for a puritanical US audience, but not THAT US Skins reboot. We’ll never talk about that. Shhh. Look away.

I’m not going to rehearse the plot of G&G, so look it up for yourself right now. I’ll wait.

Just kidding. I’m not waiting. Go look it up on your own time.

The similarities between G&G and GG are glaring (hell, Georgia even calls herself and Ginny the Gilmores with bigger boobs). In both, you have a young, single mom who had her daughter at 15/16 and then ran away from home. The mom is plucky, charismatic, and doesn’t always navigate the world by making the most, er, ethical choices. The daughter initially seems a bit more reserved and like she wants to play by the rules, but deep down is just a younger version of the mother, and that comes out of the course of the series. The two relate to one another as friends, but it’s complicated by the fact that they’re parent and child and that there is an inherent power imbalance there. The daughter is a little too mature for her own good and the mother is a little too immature for her own good. They butt heads, usually over the mother’s past and present choices (particularly regarding men) and the daughter’s present and future choices (also often regarding men). Their fights and falling outs are truly spectacular–they fight like only a mother and daughter could, but they also love one another–though they can’t express that love in the most logical or legible ways. They’re dysfunctional in every way you could imagine, and they really should be in family counseling.

But that’s not all. If that were it, I’d say, “oh, boohoo, they have similar types of characters. As if this is novel? Hasn’t this been done before? Get off your high horse.” NO. The parallels between these two shows go WAY deeper than that. Georgia is Lorelei and Ginny is Rory–hell, their naming practices are even similar. Georgia named herself after the state she was in the first time she had to come up with a pseudonym; this initiated a naming practice wherein she names her children after the cities/states they’re born in–hence Ginny, for Virginia. Rory is a nickname for Lorelei. (Side note: Lorelei is a hard name to type.)

Fine, fine. But we also have the tripartite relationship dynamics. Lorelei’s Big Three are Christopher, Max, and Luke; Georgia’s are Zion (Ginny’s dad and Georgia’s “penguin”–still not positive what that means, except that they can’t let go of one another?), Paul (the mayor, a white collar, public-facing profession), and Joe (the cafe/restaurant owner). If teenaged Rory has Dean and Jess, Ginny has Hunter and Marcus, respectively; Rory and Ginny obviously belong with the “bad boy”–they have infinitely better chemistry and get one another–but struggle with how good they “look” with the good guy, who’s actually kind of a judgmental jerk (as the bad guy points out).

Stars Hollow looks a whole lot like Wellsbury–hell, they’re both in New England. Wellsbury IS the most New England town name ever. Period. I love me some picturesque New England town bullshit.

Oh, and the side characters. Ellen and Sookie fill the same niche, and it’s a good one. They’re easily the most likable characters in both shows, and their husbands are genuinely funny characters in their own rights. GG has the sexually ambiguous (until he’s not) but oh-so-sarcastic Michel while G&G has Nick. Arguably, you could lump Kirk in with Michel to get Nick, but Nick isn’t as bumbling as Kirk, so maybe that point doesn’t stand. Hell, for friends Rory has the angel and devil on her shoulders in the form of Lane and Paris; Ginny has Max and Abby. And if Stars Hollow has Taylor Doose, Wellsbury has Cynthia Fuller. The list goes on.

Of course, a staple of GG is Emily and Richard Gilmore, but we glimpse that in G&G’s flashbacks to Zion’s parents, who help Georgia and Zion when the two first have Ginny. They’re similarly exasperated with their child’s choices and come off as a little overbearing but nonetheless have good intentions. They don’t have nearly as much screen time as Emily and Richard, which is a shame, but they serve a similar function.

Oh! And the flashbacks. They’re one of the charming parts of GG–they give us really important backstory on Lorelei’s life and life choices prior to the series’ start (and Rory’s birth, frankly). They’re less charming in G&G because Georgia’s background is far darker than GG ever could or would have conjured.

This gets me to why G&G isn’t just a GG rip-off. G&G isn’t just a woke GG. It isn’t just GG with people of color, in the LGBTQIA+ community, of varied socioeconomic classes, or from outside New England. If you like GG, you might like G&G, but you also might not. G&G addresses real life challenges teenagers, women, people of colorm hell, most Americans face in 2021. It depicts the US in its multiple angles, some of which are very, very ugly. Some might say that it’s GG for 2021, and maybe it is, but if that’s true, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing. I’m just not sure it’s totally true.

I’m going to cool it on the GG-G&G comparisons for a moment and just talk about G&G because I think you get my point. Before I cool it completely, though, and as a point of departure, I’ll say that if we do go with the idea that G&G is GG for 2021, then we need to recognize what G&G does differently: it gives us glimpses into how a whole range of people experience the US, and it doesn’t look away from ugly, unflattering, hateful truths that reside just below the surface of sparkly, shiny, pretty, picture-perfect towns. It doesn’t shy away from reality, even if that reality is uncomfortable for white, middle-class, cis, het viewers.

The important things about G&G that I haven’t yet mentioned in specifics are a’plenty.

Ginny (and Hunter) is mixed-race, a subject that comes up on a number of occasions in the form of explicit conversations about how being mixed-race doesn’t necessarily mean belonging to two communities but can instead mean feeling out of place in both. It also comes up in a very hard-to-watch argument between Ginny and Hunter where the two trade insults about one another’s lack of belonging; the argument escalates into a screaming match in which the two effectively diminish not only one another’s claims to their Black (in Ginny’s case) and Taiwanese (in Hunter’s case) identities but also the prejudices they experience at the hands of a hegemonic white society that systematically denies opportunities or a sense of belonging (among other things) for those who don’t fit into readily identifiable “boxes.”

Georgia ran away from her childhood home in rural, impoverished Arkansas because she was being sexually abused by her stepfather, who then went on to sexually abuse her half-sister.

Georgia has killed people, often for “legitimate” (???) reasons, including posing threats to Ginny.

Georgia used to be in a biker gang and still has connections with at least one member, a lawyer she has on retainer to help her “disappear” her misdeeds, including said murders.

Marcus and Ginny have struggled (or are currently struggling) with self-harm and suicide ideation.

Literally every single one of the teenagers in this show is under immense pressure to over-engage in extracurricular activities that will make them competitive candidates at top universities.

Parents’ unhealthy relationships with one another, divorce, and everything else in that realm also shape the teenaged characters’ lives.

Abby struggles with an eating disorder that’s fueled in part by comments her male peers (notably, an asshole named Press) about her body. Male characters make sexist, stereotyping comments to Ginny about her body, too.

I’ll stop there, but I do so with full knowledge that I’m likely leaving something out. Hell, as I type this I remember that Austin (Ginny’s younger half-brother) literally stabs a kid in the hand and there’s a private detective trying to figure out Georgia’s past, including if/how she murdered her previous husband (the impetus for the family’s move). Like I said, there’s so much more to this show than just its similarities with GG. But I’ve also seen articles online decrying viewers who make the connection, and I don’t think that’s quite the right approach. The show clearly isn’t copying GG. Even if G&G did take inspiration from GG, it takes that inspiration in a fresh direction.

I wonder, though, about how we, the viewers, are supposed to respond to certain aspects of the show.

For instance, the show pits the US South as the source of obvious Bad Stuff ™–child abuse, incest, poverty, etc.– and the US Northeast as a place where the Bad Stuff ™ is hidden beneath a picture-perfect veneer. I get what the show’s creators are going for. They’re attempting to give us a multidimensional perspective on the US in all its prettiness and ugliness, but I wonder if associating the South with only the Bad Stuff ™ is doing a disservice to a region that has a rich cultural past and present–a past and present that’s certainly included problems like poverty, racism, and abuse but cannot be defined by those things alone because those things are not all that’s there. To tie those things primarily to just one region because those are stereotypes that are often perpetuated about that region seems a bit . . . overly simplistic? Troublesome? Dare I use the old grad-student favorite–problematic? It’s too easy–it’s lazy, in fact–to pit South against Northeast as the source of the US’s outright ugliness. It’s the rhetoric surrounding the 2016 presidential election all over again, and, frankly, we could all use a break.

The other thing that regional competition does is it makes it possible for the show to gloss over the fact that those Bad Things ™ exist in the Northeast, too. I feel silly saying that because it seems so obvious, but the simplistic portrait the show paints of the US means that it sacrifices accurate representation and complexity for the sake of–well, actually, I’m not sure what it’s for the sake of. Maybe straightforward storytelling? That might make sense if the show didn’t dwell in other complexities and commit itself to attempting to represent other identities and aspects of American life with some degree of accuracy, so I don’t know.

I can’t speak to whether the show accurately represents the experiences of mixed-race people, LGBTQIA+ people, or people with disabilities. I suspect that it represents the experiences of some people accurately but, of course, not all people because that would be impossible. I’m also not sure if I think the show’s commitment to representing a variety of experiences of US life borders on tokenism. I can’t speak for how someone who occupies one of those subject positions experiences the show because I do not occupy that subject position. My gut reaction is that the show does seem to make an effort to go beyond the whole “look at us, we cast all sorts of people in our show” by attempting to humanize all of its characters as real humans with rich, complex lives. It weaves the characters’ lives into a tight web, making clear that a character like Max and Marcus’s dad isn’t noteworthy just because he’s deaf. You don’t look at Clint and think “oh, that’s the deaf character.” You think, oh, that’s Clint; he’s Ellen’s husband, Max and Marcus’s dad, he’s deaf, he makes pithy remarks about his over-the-top daughter and slacker son, and he performs strip-teases for his wife. He’s noteworthy because he’s an engaged (and absolutely hilarious) husband and father whose deafness is one of many identities of his that influences his children’s lives as any other cultural identity would influence a family’s dynamic. The entire family is (at least) bilingual, communicating in sign language and spoken English while also teaching their sign language skills to friends and significant others. His deafness is one identity among many that the show invests him with, and he’s not in all that many scenes.

I could be wrong, but that was my experience while watching the show and thinking about it a bit afterward and while writing this post.

The show depicts mixed-race identity in a complex way, too, but it dwells on it a bit longer and with a bit more detail. I mentioned that Ginny and Hunter are both of mixed-race parentage and that their mixed-race identities become a subject of a relationship-ending argument. To back up a bit, though, the show attempts to paint a vivid portrait of the challenges Ginny in particular faces as a she navigates middle-class, white suburbia as the daughter of a Black father and a white mother. We see how she reacts when a police office walks toward her at a gas station while she pumps gas in her mother’s BMW, when a teacher tells her she’s being “aggressive” (while her classmates, who display similar behaviors, are unremarked upon), when her hair frizzes out after her friends pressure her to let another student’s white mom brush her curls into a ponytail using a boar-bristle brush, when a male friend (multiple male friends?) tells her that she doesn’t look like a stereotypical Black girl, and, among other things, when another student asks her “what are you?” in an attempt to pinpoint her racial/ethnic identities. Each instance is painful to watch because the actress who plays Ginny plays her well; the camera stays trained on her face as she responds to each of these interactions, allowing the viewer to observe the range of emotions she feels as she repeatedly navigates a community of peers and adults who can’t get their shit together and respect her existence. These interactions aren’t quirky neighbors asking silly questions about why she hangs her laundry a certain way or informing her that she needs to only mow her lawn on Thursdays. These are interactions that repeatedly undermine her sense of belonging, that tell her she’s somehow different, and that question her very right to exist. It’s heartbreaking, but I think it’s important that it’s depicted because that’s reality for many, many people.

The scene with Hunter is interesting because it shows the two turning something that was common-ground into a source of conflict for them. I’m not entirely sure how to read this scene. It’s difficult to watch because it rapidly descends into a “who is the most disenfranchised?” competition rather than a respectful conversation about each partner’s different experiences with prejudice. I wondered if the subtext here was some commentary on how members of one racial community pit themselves against members of other racial communities. (I’m not being clear here, and I’m struggling to clarify even as I go back to edit this post. I guess what I mean is that, when I initially watched this scene, I worried that this was a negative commentary on the Black community in particular and how it engages with other racial communities. I hope that makes sense.) Frankly, I’m still not sure if that’s not what’s happening there or if that’s not what was intended. What I’m fairly certain of, though, is that the scene makes clear that we, the viewer, are being told pretty explicitly that we can’t identify the two as “good partners” on the sole basis that they have mixed-race parentage in common. In other words, the scene undermines the idea that experience of racial prejudice is the only (or even the most important) factor that brings two people together and makes them good partners for one another. It also undermines the belief that experiencing prejudice doesn’t mean a person is automatically awakened to the prejudices other people also experience.

This is also one of the scenes where Ginny truly is unlikeable. Hunter is, too, but he’s unlikeable in a number of scenes throughout the show. He’s the Good Guy™ character in a nutshell–says all the right things, does all the right things, is all the right things, but maybe isn’t all those things for all the right reasons. In this scene, Ginny enacts the prejudicial treatment she’s suffered at the hands of her peers against Hunter; she questions the validity of his identity and the veracity of his experiences of prejudice at the hands of his peers. This scene is the breaking-point where the two have to come to terms with the fact that they’re not compatible even though, on some surface and by some set of metrics, they might appear to be.

Hunter sucks, but so does Marcus–for different reasons, though. Marcus is detached, withdrawn, sarcastic, unmotivated, disrespectful, and dishonest. He’s unaware–and doesn’t attempt to improve at all on this–of how his actions impact other people. He just doesn’t care about anyone but himself–until he does, a little bit. Some part of me has sympathy for Marcus and genuinely likes him; I’ll blame the show for that. Another part of me–the part that’s 30 years old and has known plenty of Marcuses–doesn’t have time for his shit. I’m conflicted, but the majority of me wants Marcus and Ginny to end up together because the things they have in common and the things that bring them together are the things that most people look for in a relationship. Marcus is a lazy shit most of the time, but he makes a genuine effort to understand Ginny. By the end of the season, we see that he also respects her and accepts her as she is–warts and all. He seems to genuinely want the best for her, which is a nice development in character from our first introduction to him, tumbling out of his mother’s minivan after having been caught smoking weed on a street corner. Again, though, he wasn’t always so respectful. His past behaviors make it hard to trust him, so it makes sense when Ginny doesn’t bring him along at the end of the season. It does, though, make you hope that he’s back in season 2 and that we get to see more of their relationship.

Speaking of which, I hope that season 2 also explores Georgia and Joe’s relationship a bit more. It seems like they’re headed in the Lorelei-Luke direction, which will make me happier than words could express, but I could also see the show’s creators flipping the script on us and setting Joe up with his own gloomy backstory–something to do with the ethically ambiguous labor situation he’s got going on at his farm and in his cafe, perhaps? Still, I think that might make him and Georgia even better suited for one another than they already are. After all, he’s one of the first people who showed Georgia true, genuine kindness after she ran away as a teenager.

And of course I want more of Ellen in season 2. The actress who plays her is hilarious and her character is just . . . really likable.

On a somewhat lighter note, one little thing I noticed while watching the show is that the characters slap their thighs a lot. This, again, might by my seasonal allergies brain, but the “[slaps thighs]” notation on closed captioning came up an infinite number of times over the course of this show. It came up so often that I started thinking you could catch the entire plot of the show if someone just spliced together every instance where a character sighs and slaps their thighs. I’d watch that video.

After all that, I still think the parallels to GG are there, but I still defend that G&G is also more than those parallels. And the “more” it offers is good. It’s intrigue; it’s gloomy realities and often-ignored truths that don’t offer viewers a sunny break from reality. But I think that’s good. I don’t like the argument that TV should be a “break from reality” or that a show is good on the sole basis that it offers us a “break from reality.” I think that argument is an excuse used to defend media that is too lazy to do the responsible thing and convey storylines that are inclusive and meaningful.

Well, my laundry is done, so I have to go deal with that. Happy Saturday, and happy initial inoculation!

XOXO, you know.

[shewhowantsmouseears]

TvTropes in My Disney Fanfics

Sometimes when I’m bored I like to look up tv tropes and see which ones fit my (currently finished) fanfics. I kept them in a doc, and decided to share them today. It covers The Scarlet, Segreto, As Dawn Broke, The Nutcracker Prince, The Last Straw, and Love Like Lava.

If you haven’t read my stuff and are curious what they’re about, think of this as a promoted blurb.

The Scarlet

An AU Disney fanfic starring Mickey Mouse and the gang in an extremely loose retelling of The Scarlet Pimpernel. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the second full-length Disney story she's written. Unlike PVP, this one focuses mainly on the animal characters you'd find in Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck cartoons and stories, as do the rest of her works.

In Steampunk France, Mickey is a poor orphan paperboy by day, with a gigantic crush on his childhood friend Duchess Minerva. By night, he's The Scarlet, an amazing swordsman who vows to help the helpless and prevent a “Third Bloody Sunday.” Daisy and her band of cohorts are planning a revolution to get revenge on the rich. Duke Fantome and his band of baddies are seeking to create a new rule over France. These and other threads intertwine, resulting in a climatic showdown between red and black.

Tropes:

Abhorrent Admirer: Mortimer towards Minnie. He can't, or won't, get the hint that Minnie wants absolutely nothing to do with him. It takes a scream and a slam of the door to the face for him to finally get it.

Accidental Kiss: Played with. Minnie offers to kiss The Scarlet for saving her, and while he's tempted, he can't go through with it. He intends to tell her so – until a child's ball smacks him in the back of his head, causing his mouth to mash with Minnie's. She thinks he was just being nervous with the kiss, and thus reciprocates.

And Now You Must Marry Me: Gladstone threatens Daisy into marriage. Played with, in that he honestly doesn't want to marry her either, but Fantome is forcing his hand.

Aren't You Going To Ravish Me?: Katarina, believing her good looks and the Scarlet's ladykiller persona combined will make him helpless before her. Instead, her seduction attempt is met with flat disappointment and a desperate escape. She's stunned, and then pissed.

Aristocrats Are Evil: Daisy believes this, and given some of their attitudes it's not hard to see why. But she eventually learns that they're just people, who can be bad, good, or somewhere in-between.

Asshole Victim: Gladstone, Mortimer.

As You Know: Ludwig explaining to Gyro their operations so the audience knows what they're doing. Lampshaded immediately by Gyro who asks why Ludwig is explaining what they already know. Ludwig replies he's been called Mr. Exposition.

Bad Boss: Fantome is more than willing to threaten, injure, and kill those working for him to get what he wants.

Battle Amongst The Flames: The Scarlet and Fantome's last duel takes place in a burning building.

Becoming The Mask: Daisy was, initially, only pretending to be Donald's friend so she could find a way to use his uncle for the sake of the revolution. But when she sees how kind he is and how deeply he loves his family, she not only becomes his real friend, she falls for him.

The Big Damn Kiss: When Minnie discovers that Mickey and the Scarlet are one and the same, [spoiler] he gets the kiss of a lifetime. Plus a whole lot extra.[spoiler]

Cannot Spit It Out: Mickey just can't tell Minnie he loves her...The Scarlet has an easier time.

Cats Are Mean: Pete and Katarina, the main cats in the story, are on the bad guys side.

Childhood Friend Romance: Mickey and Minnie.

Clark Kenting: Even though Mickey has a device that changes his voice, the “disguise” he wears is just a mask around his eyes. Lampshaded by Donald when he learns who the Scarlet is, as he's stunned that he never made the obvious connection.

Damsel In Distress: Minnie is this several times.

Dance Of Romance: Mickey, as the Scarlet, shares a ballroom dance with Minnie, flirting with her all the while.

Dirty Cop: Pete, the chief of police, and his subordinate Horace.

Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Horace loves Clarabelle, and the two manage to make a Heel Face Turn. Pete and Katarina, [spoiler]being related,[spoiler] also have this but it's put to the test when Fantome orders Pete to kill her after her failure.

Everyone Can See it: Amusingly, [spoiler] the Queen says this was the case with Mickey and Minnie's feelings even when they were kids.[spoiler]

Evil Genius: Fou is revealed to have been one. [spoiler] and still is.[spoiler]

Flashback: Minnie has a lengthy one, about the day she first met Mickey.

Freudian Slip: Minnie, struggling to distract Mickey, insists she has a sleep over with him. But she's so flustered it comes out as “I demand you sleep with me!” Subverted in a more innocent fashion when Donald pushes Scrooge back to be with his “fiends.” “You mean friends?” “I know what I said.”

Gibberish Of Love: Mickey is reduced to this whenever he tries to tell Minnie about his feelings. As the Scarlet, he can speak freely of how much she means to him.

Go Seduce My Archnemisis: Fantome seems to be fond of this trope. He sends Mortimer after Minnie, Gladstone after Daisy, and [spoiler] Katarina after The Scarlet.[spoiler] He's also amazingly bad at it, since none of the targets desire who's after them at all.

Green-Eyed Monster: Mickey nearly slips up about his alter ego when Mortimer is involved, even though Minnie makes it obviously clear she can't stand the snob. Even when he's on the job as the Scarlet, Mickey makes it clear how much he loathes Mortimer.

Happily Married : [spoiler] After the timeskip, Mickey and Minnie are this, as are Donald and Daisy.[spoiler]

Heel Face Turn: Clarabelle and Horace. Implied to be this with Pete and Katarina.

Honey Trap: Subverted. [spoiler] Katarina tries this on The Scarlet. It only works at the beginning because he believes the invitation was from Minnie. The second he sees who it really is, he's heading for the exit.[spoiler]

I Don't Want To Ruin Our Friendship: Ultimately what is preventing Mickey and Minnie from confessing their feelings.

Imagine Spot: Mickey is suggested to have one when he thinks the seductive invitation he received is from Minnie. Minnie is also implied to have one concerning her feelings for Mickey and the Scarlet, and for half a second considers something with the number three – and then IMMEDIATELY reprimands herself and gets off that train of thought.

Informed Attractiveness: Katarina is insulted by the Scarlet's rejection because supposedly no one has ever turned her down and she's the most beautiful woman in all of France. No evidence of either of this was stated or shown before – although it could just be part of her massive ego.

Inter-Class Romance: One of the sources of conflict between Mickey and Minnie's relationship, since it would be highly improper. Also occurs between Donald with Daisy, and Max with Roxanne.

I Was Told There Would Be Cake: When Mortimer, Horace, and Clarabelle are tasked with killing Duke Roger Rabbit, they find him eating cake with the Scarlet.

Kissed Keepsake: Mickey kisses the scarf Minnie gave him.

Light Is Not Good: Fantome is usually dressed in all white, as opposed to the Scarlet's dark colors. Fantome is absolutely the bad guy.

Love Epiphany: When Goldie, Brigetta, and Magica try to convince Daisy she could love Gladstone, their “suggestions” make her realize she's actually in love with Donald.

Loves My Alter Ego: Mickey assumes Minnie is in love with The Scarlet, as does Fantome. [spoiler] They're wrong. She truly loves Mickey.[spoiler]

Love Triangle: Mickey thinks it's this with his alter ago and Minnie. Gets worse with Mortimer going after Minnie and Daisy falling for the Scarlet.

Morally Bankrupt Banker: Slyvester Shyster.

Nice Hat: The Scarlet's got a pretty cool one.

Not Distracted By The Sexy: Katarina's seduction towards The Scarlet doesn't work. At all. He looks at her for maybe a second before leaving.

Not Good With Rejection: Mortimer and Gladstone handle theirs pretty badly, complete with French swears.

Paper-Thin Disguise: As mentioned in Clark Kenting, Mickey's “disguise” is really just a mask around his eyes.

Parental Abandonment: Given that Mickey is an orphan, you get this. Minnie's parents are said to constantly be traveling all over the world and are never home, treating their daughter more as a toy or a trophy than a blood relative.

Parental Substitute: Ludwig and Gyro are this towards Mickey.

Parents As People: Goofy is doing his best with Max, but sometimes his best just isn't good enough.

Protagonist Title: Mickey as The Scarlet.

Politically Incorrect Villain: You could blame the times, but the male villains can be pretty sexist. Fantome is heavily classist.

Post-Kiss Catatonia: After having a pretty long kiss with Minnie, Mickey makes it about three steps before falling face-first in a happy stupor.

Prince Charmless: Technically Dukes, but they are related to royalty – Fantome, Mortimer, and Gladstone (and eventually Fou) are shown to be royal pains.

Purple Is Powerful: Minnie's main color scheme is purple, and by the timeskip, [spoiler] she's a butt-kicking heroine named The Violet.[spoiler]

Quirky Miniboss Squad: Pete, Shyster, Horace and Clarabelle work for Fantome. Gladstone, Mortimer, [spoiler] Katarina and Fou [spoiler] join in as well.

Rapunzel Hair: Minnie's long locks go almost all the way down to her feet.

Rousing Speech: The Scarlet tends to give these whenever he has a big audience.

Sadistic Choice: Daisy can either marry Gladstone, dooming her to a life of misery and effectively killing the revolution since all of its members will have lost faith in her, or he can report all the members of the revolution to the police, and since they'll be seen as traitors to the crown, they'll most likely be executed.

Seduction-Proof Marriage: Even though he's not married to Minnie [spoiler]yet[spoiler], Mickey feels absolutely nothing for any other woman, even when they constantly throw themselves at his Scarlet alter ego.  

Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: When Fantome completely loses it upon the revelation his plans were stopped by a mere paperboy, the remaining villains decide to cut their losses and make a break for it.

Shipper With An Agenda: Subtle, but in one scene Minnie seems to support and encourage Donald and Daisy's getting together. [spoiler] Most likely because if a rich boy and a poor girl can be together, maybe a rich girl and a poor boy can too.[spoiler]

Show Some Leg: Katarina's attempt to seduce The Scarlet. It doesn't work.

Small Name, Big Ego: Mortimer. He thinks he's the most popular and well-known man alive. Nobody really knows who he is, nor cares, and Fantome himself needs a minute to remember about him upon his introduction.

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace: Donald and The Scarlet interrupt the wedding via dropping down on a GIGANTIC church bell.

Shout Out: To Darkwing Duck in one quip.

Time Skip: The last scene of the last chapter takes place one year later.

Unwanted Harem: Scrooge has this with Goldie, Magica, and Brigetta.

Would Hit A Girl: The Scarlet isn't afraid to treat Clarabelle as roughly as he does his other enemies.

Villainous Breakdown: Fantome has this three times over, due to finding out the Scarlet's identity, [spoiler] being told that his master plan would mean no one would serve him, and all of France coming to Mickey's defense.[spoiler]

Would Hurt A Child: Fantome [spoiler] is revealed to have run down a child from the poorer part of town, via carriage, just to ignite a war between the poor and rich.[spoiler]

As Dawn Broke

An AU Disney fanfic starring Mickey Mouse and the gang. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the fourth full-length Disney story she's written. The Sun Kingdom and the Moon Kingdom have only recently ended their centuries-long war, but communication between the two is forbidden. This doesn't stop Princess Minnie of the Moon Kingdom from inviting Prince Mickey of the Sun Kingdom to her birthday party. From then on, the two kingdoms will never be the same – love potions, floods, grandbabies, many different stories come together, but which one can stop the genocidal madness of a man obsessed with making history?

Tropes:

Accidentally Broke The MacGuffin: Where has the Sun Talisman been all this time? It turns that Mickey, as a child, thought it was a giant cookie and ate it.

The Alcoholic: Panchito.

All Amazons Want Hercules: Implied to be the reason Peg is attracted to Pete.

All Part Of The Show: Panchito convinces the Sun Kingdom that the near-collapse of the giant straw doll at the New Year's Festival was part of the show.

Amulet of Concentrated Awesome: The Moon and Sun Talismans.

And I Must Scream: It's shown that while the Queen [spoiler] was frozen solid, she still had her mind and could hear what was going on around her – like how much her daughter thinks her mother hates her.[spoiler]

And Now You Must Marry Me: Mortimer threatens Minnie – either she marries him or he'll drown the Sun Kingdom. [spoiler] He's planning to do it anyway.[spoiler]

Arranged Marriage: Minnie is to marry Mortimer, if he passes all the requirements. It's stated that this is a Moon Royalty tradition, as Queen Lune was also arranged to marry Minnie's father.

Badly Battered Babysitter: Horace suffers this thanks to Mickey.

Becoming The Mask: Millie flirts with Goofy to get his money, but falls for him for real.

Big Beautiful Woman: Clara Cluck.

Big Brother Instinct: Donald begins to feel this way towards his student, Minnie. Possibly also Goofy towards Mickey.

Big Entrance: Mickey brings an entire singing, dancing entourage as he heads into the Moon Kingdom for Minnie's birthday. It's pretty much a direct homage to Prince Ali from Aladdin.

Body Horror: Some of it shows up after Queen Lune is freed from her icy prison. [spoiler] It's stated she lost several fingers.[spoiler]

Break His Heart To Save Him: Minnie does this to Mickey, trying to keep him out of the Moon Kingdom and safe from Mortimer's plans.

The Cameo: Since he doesn't show up again and isn't truly plot relevant, Fethry's appearance can be seen as this.

The Casanova: Panchito is implied to be this, as he flirts with all the women in his bar, and Mickey thinks he's an expert on romance. But it's ultimately shown that it's just his way of being friendly, and he's truly in love with Clara Cluck.

Crash-Into Hello: Horace and Clarabelle meet when he accidentally smacks her in the face with a door.

Crouching Moron Hidden Badass: Goofy. When Millie is in danger, he proves he didn't get his bodyguard position just because of his father.

Dance Of Romance: Minnie teaches Mickey how to waltz, and they grow closer as they dance.

Deus Ex Machina: A surprising literal version takes place because of the Talismans.

Did You Actually Believe...? : Mortimer tells Pete he wouldn't hurt any Moons to get his plan to work. When Pete finds out Mortimer doesn't care who gets hurt, Sun or Moon, Mortimer mocks him for actually thinking he would tell the truth.

Dramatic Irony: On the day of Minnie's birthday, the Queen struggles to give Minnie a compliment and call her a lady. Minnie sadly thinks it's because she's so incompetent that the Queen can't imagine her as a proper lady. The Queen is actually lamenting that her baby girl is all grown up and one day will no longer need her. Similar occurrences happen as a result of the Queen's stiff upper lip coming across as disappointment.

Dramatic Necklace Removal: Played with - Minnie does this to herself, in order to convince Mickey she no longer wants to be with him.

Drowning My Sorrows: It turns out Panchito's constant drinking is this, as he's haunted by memories of the war.

The Door Slams You: Donald, as a result of Mickey's Big Entrance.

Dude, Where's My Respect?: Pete suffers this, and is a cause behind a lot of his more villainous actions. The problem is that he is respected, it's just that no one bothers to tell him.

Evil Minions: The Beagles are this for Mortimer.

Evil Plan: Mortimer's ultimate plan is to [spoiler] use the Moon Talisman to control the Moon Kingdom's water and flood the Sun Kingdom, effectively drowning all the Sun people.[spoiler]

Expository Hairstyle Change: In the Moon Kingdom, long hair on women is seen as a beautiful trait, even if it makes it impossible to manage and difficult to get around, like in Minnie's case. [spoiler] After the time-skip, she cuts most of it off, symbolizing her newfound independence and the courage to break tradition.[spoiler]

Face Heel Turn: Pete starts working for Mortimer when he sees the opportunity to be “useful” again. He turns back just in time.

Fantastic Racism: Suns and Moons toward each other. Suns see Moons as snobs, Moons see Suns as savages, etc.

Freudian Excuse: Mortimer claims to have this, having grown up in a family of soldiers that constantly bragged about their accomplishments in the war – accomplishments that he could never have, since the war was over by the time he was old enough to participate. He wanted to have his own accomplishment, and what greater accomplishment could he have then by killing all the Suns?

Give Away The Bride: In lieu of her father, Scrooge is the one to walk Minnie down the aisle.

Gold Digger: Millie, initially.

Happily Married: Horace says that the King and Queen of the Sun were very much this. Queen Lune says this was also the case when her husband was alive. [spoiler] It's implied that Goofy and Millie will be the same, as well as, inevitably, Mickey and Minnie.[spoiler]

He Knows Too Much: When Donald and Daisy overheard that Mortimer plans to drown the Sun Kingdom, Mortimer sends his goons after them.

I Lied : Mortimer directly says this to [spoiler] Pete when she says he promised he wouldn't hurt the Moons. He even seems to mock Pete for thinking he'd keep his deal. [spoiler]

I Want Grandkids: King Solaris keeps harping on how he wants grandbabies. [spoiler] Queen Lune also begins to insist once everything's patched up.[spoiler]

Lap Pillow: Mickey enjoys this once he and Minnie begin dating.

Love At First Sight: Mickey and Minnie toward each other, Clarabelle toward Horace. Possibly with Goofy towards Millie.

Love Epiphany: When Horace speaks of Mickey's mother, Mickey suddenly realizes that, like how his mother loved his father, he too loves Minnie.

Love Potion: Morgana says she can make these, although Minnie instantly realizes they're fake. Morgana admits it, and says the real “magic” is the confidence she instills in those she sells the potions to.

The Matchmaker: Daisy sees herself as this, determined to get Mickey and Minnie together.

Meaningful Name: King Solaris – Solaris is latin meaning “pertaining to the sun”. Queen Lune – a crescent shaped figure, like the moon.

Musicalis Interruptus: Amusingly in a written form. Mickey's Big Entrance consists of his servants and friends singing his praise... and they don't stop when they arrive. It comes to a complete halt when Queen Lune slams her staff and effectively tells them that this could be a reason for them going back to war!

My God, What Have I Done? : Queen Lune gets hit with this big-time when she realizes she's the reason behind Minnie's horrible self-confidence – and that Minnie is convinced Lune hates her.

Not Now, We're Too Busy Crying Over You: It takes Goofy a minute or two to realize that [spoiler] Millie survived the flood.[spoiler]

Overly Long Name: Panchito Romero Gonzales!

Perfectly Arranged Marriage: Queen Lune and her husband turned out to be this, as they loved each other deeply.

Please, I Will Do Anything!: Minnie says as much when Mortimer reveals his plan to drown the Sun Kingdom.

Private Tutor: Horace is Mickey's, and Donald is Minnie's.

Purple Is Powerful: It's stated that Queen Lune dresses in dark purples and blues, as does Minnie sometimes.

Rapunzel Hair: In the Moon Kingdom, long hair is seen as extremely beautiful, so most women have this. Daisy is an exception, and it's implied she cuts her hair to be different from the crowd.

Reality Ensues: Peace between two warring factions isn't as easy as “love conquers all!” It requires reparations, cooperation, and real communication. Also, risking your entire kingdom over a girl you like and keeping it a secret is going to royally piss off some folks. And a happy drunk is probably drinking that heavily because of something not-so-happy – like, say, the real effects of a war, PTSD.

Rebel Prince: Mickey to a T.

Rescue Romance: When Drake saves Morgana, and she sees he did so because he'd do it for anyone and not just because she's beautiful, she falls for him. In a much smaller scale, Daisy fell for Donald when the heel of her shoe broke and he happened to catch her before she would've fallen down a flight of stairs.

Running Gag: Grandbabies!

Sadistic Choice: Minnie can either marry Mortimer, dooming her to a life of misery for her and no doubt putting a terrible ruler on the throne so her kingdom will also suffer...Or Mortimer will drown an entire kingdom. [spoiler] He plans to do the latter anyway.[spoiler]

Secret Relationship: Mickey and Minnie, of course.

Shout Out : The Lion King and Aladdin both get musical-ish mentions. Mickey's entire first arrival into the Sun Kingdom is based on Prince Ali's parade.

Slapstick Knows No Gender: Clarabelle knows this, like a door to the face.

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace: At Minnie's wedding, Mickey and the entire Sun Army burst in.

Spit Take: Panchito's reaction when Mickey says he loves Minnie. Goofy is on the receiving end.

Star-Crossed Lovers: Again, Mickey and Minnie.

Taken for Granite: Mortimer freezes Queen Lune in ice.

Tempting Fate: Pete tells Minnie he needs more trouble from her and the Queen like he needs a kick in the head. Cue Peg.

Those Two Bad Guys: Bankjob and Bigtime Beagle.

Time Skip: The last scene of the last chapter takes place several months ahead.

Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: Clara to Panchito, Morgana to Drake.

Title Drop: Comes up as the last three words of the story.

Villain Has A Point: As awful as Mortimer is, he has a slight point in that since he was raised to hate the Suns and barely a day can go by without someone saying how much they despise the Suns, it's no real shock that he wants them all dead. A small case of Society Is To Blame, but it still doesn't excuse what he does.

War Is Hell: Played absolutely straight. Even though it ended many years ago, both sides are still struggling with the aftermath.

“Well Done, Son!” Guy: Female version. Minnie desperately wants her mother's approval, but seems to do nothing but disappoint her. But the truth is the Queen is already proud of her, and assumed Minnie already knew.

Who Names Their Kid “Dude”?: Lampshaded by Millie towards Goofy. “That's not a name, it's an insult!”

Would Hit A Girl: The Beagles to Daisy and Millie – and it's implied they'd like to do worse.

You Shall Not Pass: Morgana and Jose take on the Beagles so Daisy can escape and warn the Sun Kingdom of Mortimer's plan.

Young Love Versus Old Hate: At first this is the case – but then it's revealed there are plenty in the young generation also full of hate.

Segreto

An AU Disney fanfic starring Mickey Mouse and the gang. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the second full-length Disney story she's written. A Gender Flip telling of The Little Mermaid, Mickey the mermouse is terrified of being forgotten and never making an impact on anyone. When he falls for, and saves, a beautiful castle maid, he's determined to make sure her memories of him last. A wizard of the sea offers his aide, but in pursuing her heart, Mickey unknowingly leads Minnie and an entire kingdom into peril.

Tropes:

Badly Battered Babysitter: Implied that Nemo this is to Mickey.

Compelling Voice: All mermen and mermaid have this. Mickey never even thinks of using it on Minnie. [spoiler] Our villain, on the other hand...[spoiler]

Damsel In Distress: Minnie, twice over.

Deal With The Devil: Mickey signs [villain's] contract to gain legs so he can be with Minnie.

Evil Detecting Dog: Pluto understands instantly that [Villain] is bad news, trying to bite and claw at him.

Evil Plan: [villain] 's plan all along was [spoiler] to use Mickey's Compelling Voice to hypnotize the Queen into marrying him, this gaining him back his heart and rule over the kingdom.[spoiler]

Gold Digger: Daisy, initially.

I Lied : [Villain] says as much to Mickey, even saying that he's the bad guy, of course he's going to lie.

Inter-Class Romance: Technically, as Mickey is a prince and Minnie is a maid. Played with Daisy and Donald, as she sees herself as above Donald's position, even though they are actually in the same place.

Love At First Sight: Mickey towards Minnie.

Magically Binding Contract: Wouldn't be a Little Mermaid story without one!

Massive Number Siblings: Mickey has over 70 brothers!

Meaningful Name: Segreto means secret, and Mickey's got a big one. The Kingdom of Nereid – nereid are mystical sea creatures, which, again, ties to Mickey.

Our Mermaids Are Different: Mermaids themselves are barely mentioned. Mermen have long tails, and royal mermen's tails are even longer and blue. They also have the siren singing, which compels people to do whatever they command and love them unconditionally. They can understand fish-talk as well.

Parental Abandonment: Minnie's parents died at sea. Mickey's mother is never mentioned, and it's clear his father really couldn't care less about him unless he causes trouble.

Protagonist Title: Sort of – Segreto is the nickname Mickey gets when he can't tell his land-friends his real name. It also means “secret”, of which characters hide several.

Purple Is Powerful: The Wizard wears mostly purple (and was based off the Vocaloid Gakupo) , and is supposedly the most powerful character in the story.

Reality Ensues: True Love's Kiss isn't always First Kiss – both people have to be in love. Being kissed by what is essentially a complete stranger can make a girl angry at you for a long time.

Rescue Romance: When Mickey says Minnie from Mortimer and Pete, her feelings for him truly materialize.

Sadistic Choice: If Mickey tries to stop the wedding, [villain] will erase everyone's memories of him. If he doesn't, the kingdom will be ruled by an absolutely evil figure, dooming just about everyone.

Self-Disposing Villain: If [Villain] hadn't tried to use the ocean to drown our heroes, [spoiler] Bruce wouldn't have swam in and eaten the heart. [spoiler]

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace: In a different take on this trope, the wedding isn't (at first) interrupted by an outsider, but someone already there. Minnie, then Daisy, speak up, voicing their objections. Then the boys come in.

Threatening Shark: Subverted with Bruce, who loves his pals and would do anything for them. [spoiler] But his chompers sure do come in handy later.[spoiler]

True Love's Kiss: What Mickey needs to keep his legs. He keeps trying to kiss Minnie, conveniently ignoring the fact she doesn't love him yet.

The Nutcracker Prince

An AU Disney fanfic starring Donald Duck and the gang. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the fifth full-length Disney story she's written. Unlike most of her stories, which focus on Mickey and Minnie as the hero/heroine and romance being the main subject, this one has Donald and Minnie as siblings being first and foremost, and family as the biggest theme.

In a retelling of the famous ballet/story, The Nutcracker, Donald and Minnie thought they were going to live with their uncle in a magical kingdom, only for him to refuse and leave them for years. When his letters stop coming, Minnie convinces Donald to go to the kingdom to find out what happened and why he wouldn't take them in. Donald believes nothing but heartbreak and lies await them – only to discover something much worse on the horizon.

Tropes:

0% Approval Rating: The “Prince” that sits atop the throne. And it doesn't take long to find out why.

And I Must Scream: It turns out the Sugar Plum Fairy is a case of this, as is, of course, the Nutcracker Prince.

Happily Married: [spoiler] implied to be the case for Mickey and Minnie at the end.[spoiler]

Imagine Spot: Minnie has one, fantasizing about meeting Mickey in person. Donald cuts her off before it gets too far.

Insistent Terminology: Mickey is a nutcracker, NOT a toy.

Inter-Class Romance: Mickey is a prince, Minnie is a commoner. Sort of.

Meaningful Name: The Kingdom's name literally means Mouse King.

My Sister Is Off Limits!: Donald does NOT like how instantly chummy Mickey and Minnie are.

Parental Abandonment: Minnie and Donald's parents died in a car crash. Mickey's parents also died when he was young. It's implied it's because of some mystical connection between the families.

Post-Kiss Catatonia: Despite Mickey not being able to feel anything, after Minnie kisses him, he falls over in a near-dead faint.

Pretend to Be Brainwashed: Mortimer uses the crown to make Minnie his slave of love, and she drapes herself around him. But it's all an act to snatch the crown.

Protagonist Title: Averted. While Mickey is a main character, the story's heroes are actually Donald and Minnie.

Reality Ensues: Forgiveness isn't easily given, even after a life-changing event.

Rescue Romance: After Donald [spoilers] unknowingly saves Daisy from her Sugar Plum Fairy Form, she's instantly devoted to him.[spoilers]

True Love's Kiss: Minnie, being Wrong Genre Savvy, thinks one of these will cure Mickey. It doesn't.

Wrong Genre Savvy: Minnie thinks it's a basic fairy tale with black and white sides, where True Love's Kiss will cure everything and a happily ever after is guaranteed. It's much more complicated than that.

Love Like Lava

An AU Disney fanfic starring Mickey Mouse and the gang. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the sixth full-length Disney story she's written. This time it's a take on classic Greek mythology, with Minnie as Aphrodite and Mickey as Hephaestus. As a newly awakened goddess, Minnie tries to understand her place in the world, where Mickey, believing role in life is to always be rejected, shuns everyone. The goddess of love falls for him instantly, but it turns out he hates her. What better way to start a relationship than by lying about who you are? Not only that, but it's got Pygmalion-Goofy, Persephone-Daisy, and Hades-Donald. It's about love, loss, acceptance, and the occasional mermaid.

Abhorrent Admirer: Minnie has her own Unwanted Harem with Gladstone, Mortimer, Pete, and (somewhat) Zeus.

Age-Gap Romance: Played with. Donald and Mickey are, technically, hundreds of years older than their female love interests. Also confusingly lampshaded with Agalma, as she wonders if it counts that she used to be marble, so theoretically she could be centuries older than Goofy.

The Alcoholic: Mortimer as Dyonsis. Played with in that as a god, he technically can't get drunk, but he sure does act like it.

Arranged Marriage: Hera tries to make one for Minnie, and it backfires spectacularly.

The Big Damn Kiss: Minnie, as the goddess of love, has a pretty powerful one. It sends such strong waves of love all across the world that it causes couples to propose, love to be requited, poems written, etc.

Cats Are Mean: As the singular cat in the cast, Pete fits the bill.

Childhood Friend Romance: The case with Goofy and Millie.

Crouching Moron Hidden Badass: Goofy surprises everyone, including himself, after he socks Bouncer Beagle in the nose.

Everyone Can See It: It becomes pretty clear, even to the ditzy mermaids and clueless Goofy, that Mickey is in love with Minnie.

Evil Plan: Pete's is to create a statue army which Minnie will bring to life, so he can have his “Forever War”.

Flashback: One chapter has Daisy telling Minnie how she met, and fell, for Donald.

Furry Confusion: Horace is in the chariot race. You know, with a horse. Try not to think about too much.

The Glomp: Minnie tends to give these to anyone she likes.

Happily Married: Donald and Daisy.

Interspecies Romance: Daisy's parents – her mother was a goddess, and her father was a human.

Love At First Sight: Minnie for Mickey, HARD. It's implied that this was the case for Mickey too, but he was immediately in denial about it.

Love Makes You Evil: Slightly – when Daisy's father died, her mother went bananas and became incredibly over-protective of Daisy.

Meaningful Name: Agalma means “statue” in Greek. The town the horse race takes place in also means “horse”.

Not Good With Rejection: Gladstone and Mortimer get over Minnie, but Pete doesn't handle it very well.

Parental Abandonment: When Hera discovered her baby was weak and deformed, she threw him down into the mortal plane, and has since then forbidden his name to ever be spoken.

Post-Kiss Catatonia : Mickey nearly faints after his first kiss with Minnie.

Reality Ensues: Bringing the statue of a dead lover to life is going to have consequences. The story of Goofy and Agalma takes Pygmalion to its logical, heart-breaking turns.

Reincarnation Romance: Implied to happen in the epilouge.

Second Love: Goofy with Agalma.

Seduction-Proof Marriage: One of the Fates has tried to flirt with Donald before but nothing ever works.

Shipper On Deck: Minnie for Goofy/Agalma.

Those Two Bad Guys: Burger and Bouncer Beagle for the mortals, Gladstone and Mortimer for the gods.

World's Most Beautiful Woman: As Aphrodite, Minnie is technically this.

The Last Straw

An AU Disney fanfic starring Mickey Mouse and the gang. Written by the author behind Pirates Versus Privates, this is the seventh full-length Disney story she's written. This time she warps the classic story of Rumpelstiltskin. Minnie and Donald are a pair of poor siblings in a dwindling kingdom, ruled over by a narcissistic king. When one of Donald's big lies gets his little sister into bigger trouble, they get unexpected help from a mysterious wizard. Something is missing from the kingdom, but can anyone remember it in time?

0% Approval Rating: King Mortimer. No one, absolutely no one, likes him.

And Now You Must Marry Me: Mortimer threatens Minnie with this – later subverted when Minnie actually asks Mortimer to marry her.

Bad Boss: Mortimer treats Pete very cruelly.

The Big Damn Kiss: When Mickey and Minnie are reunited, you know it's gunna happen.

Damsel In Distress: Played with in that Minnie puts herself in distress on purpose.

Dude, Where's My Respect?: Pete, and to a way more ego-maniac level, Mortimer.

Face-Heel Turn: At a crucial moment, Pete finally snaps and gives Mortimer what he had coming.

Green-Eyed Monster: Part of Mortimer's issues. He's insanely jealous of Mickey.

Inter-class Romance: Mickey, a prince, and Minnie, a commoner.

My Sister Is Off Limits!: Subverted – Donald wholly encourages the romance between Mickey and Minnie.

It's All About Me: MORTIMER.

Prince Charmless: MORTIMER.