#<- me realizing that my stance on not tagging fic in the dan and phil tags does not make sense because i tag other shipping posts

[antiadvil]

the hoodie string incident

summary: they were kissing.

rated T, 648 words.

ao3 link

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 23

I’ll never forgive myself for what I put this version of Dan through lol

Tags for chapter: angst with your fav duo, some fluff

Words for chapter: ~4.1 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

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~~~~~~~~~~

"Did any of the stations get back to you yet?"

"No," Phil sighed, his hand still absentmindedly running through Dan's curls, "but it's been a little bit less than a week, so I'm not really surprised. I had just thought that with all of my good recommendations that they would maybe fast-track me or something." Phil let his voice trail off, and Dan didn't try and press the issue. He could tell from Phil's voice that he wasn't upset, and Dan also agreed with him about how it wasn't out of the ordinary for a week or two to pass by without a reply from a potential employer.

Dan was just happy that he wasn't losing Phil to another city quite yet.

"How was work? You smell a lot more like coffee than usual, so I'm gonna guess that you worked a double?" Phil asked, his voice right in Dan's ear.

They were on Phil's couch, their long bodies stretched over the entirety of it. Dan's back was pressed to Phil's chest, Phil's chin resting on Dan's shoulder, and his arms looped loosely around Dan's waist under their blanket. The television was on, but neither of them were really paying it much attention.

Dan had come straight over after work, and Phil had spoiled him with take-out hot and already on the table by the time Dan arrived. It was a gesture that Dan appreciated greatly, especially after how tired and hungry he was after his double shift. After they had finished with the food they had naturally curled up together on the couch, Phil telling Dan all about his last day at the weather station.

"Yeah, one of the school kids got sick and couldn't come in. With Jaime pretty much not working at the coffee shop anymore I've been having to pick up all of the extra stuff. I guess that normally things would be split between me and Steve, but all he has to do is bat his eyes and his uncle will give him a shift off." Dan rolled his eyes. "It's okay though, the coffee shop is never too busy, so it's not like I'm running myself ragged."

"Good. You shouldn't have to be working that much though."

Dan shrugged. "It's not too bad. If anything, I'm making more money than I ever was before. I made enough so far this week already that I got to leave the cafe to eat during my break."

"Wow," Phil said, smiling, "you're really making big bucks, huh?"

"Oh shut it," Dan laughed, nudging Phil with his shoulder, "let me have my small victories."

"Hmm, I'll think about it. No promises. Speaking about the coffee shop though, how's Jaime doing? I haven't really talked to her in awhile."

Dan's happy smile at their banter wilted a little. And even though Phil couldn't see his face to tell, Phil couldn't miss the small but instant changes in Dan's body language.

"No, I haven't really talked to her," Dan said, the words feeling wrong in his mouth, "I'm sure she's fine though," he added quickly. Phil frowned.

"When was the last time you talked to her?"

Dan winced, not even having to calculate it; he knew it from the top of his head.  

"A few days for texting, and it's been over a week since we've called each other."

Phil shifted on the couch so he could see Dan's face properly. Phil's eyes were wide with surprise and concern.

"Are you two okay? Did you guys have a fight?"

"What? No, we didn't. We never fight."

"Then what's going on, Dan? I don't want to like, I don't know, impose, but you guys always talk, at least once a day even if it's just a five minute conversation over text. And it's been that way since what...since you guys became friends?"

Dan's mouth deepened into a larger frown.

"Yeah. We just aren't talking, that's all. I don't need to talk to her, you know." Dan muttered, part of him bristling in defense to the change of topic.

The thing was, Dan did need to talk to Jaime. It was a constant, insatiable urge to be around her and listen to her voice, to welcome her casual touches and let her in his space. Their relationship was one that went deeper than most, and after knowing Jaime for years at this point, her importance to him had only grown. And now, Dan would easily describe her as a need, not a want. And their relationship worked perfectly because Jaime felt the same way.

Or at least, Dan had thought that she had felt the same way.

No, that wasn't it. She had been on the same page as him for so long, maybe she had just discovered that she didn't need to depend on him as much as before.

And Dan could go a few days without talking to her. Hell, he could not see or talk to Jaime for over a year, and then if reunited Dan had a strong feeling that they would pop right back into place as if nothing had ever happened because their relationship didn't depend on constant communication. Their bond with each other was deeper than that.

Was he sad that he hadn't been talking to Jaime? Yeah. Of course. But what really had him staring at his ceiling at night was the nature of this radio silence.

There had been no warning, no "hey, I'm going to be really busy, I'm not going to be able to talk" and they certainly hadn't had a falling out. Sure, responses from the both of them had been slower than normal ever since Jaime had been in London, but it had never been like this.

Dan found himself sometimes wondering if it was something that he had done to push Jaime away, or if she had started to realize that she was better off without him.

That's not the case, damnit, Dan thought, admonishing himself, you know damn well that Jaime loves the hell out of you.  

Dan finally became aware of the skeptical look that Phil was giving him in response to his "I don't need to talk to Jaime" statement. Dan rolled his eyes and tried to shrug it off, feeling too vulnerable for his comfort zone when talking about his for-once-questionable stance in Jaime's life.

"I don't. I can function without my best friend for a few days, thank you very much."

Except our last conversation—if you could call it that—was her responding to me asking how she was doing three days after I had sent it, and she had completely shut down any attempt I made to get her to talk to me. So maybe you're right, Phil. Maybe she fucking hates me and this is her easing me out of her life.

Besides.

I can't bloody function without her.

"I think we both know that neither of you can function without the other, so I'm going to consider your point mute." Phil said, a slightly playful edge to his smile. "But to be serious, if you two aren't talking then something is obviously up."

"Well, it's not like she's coming to me about it," Dan bit back, none of the bitterness directed towards Phil and all of it at the situation.

"Why don't you talk to her then?"

"Phil, I don't think you get how avoiding people works."

"Are you avoiding her?"

"No," Dan said immediately, the idea of him avoiding Jaime leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

"Then I don't see what the problem is."

"Phil," Dan sighed, "I think that she just doesn't want to talk to me right now. I don't really know why, and I hope it's not because of something I did, but she just doesn't want to talk. She's got a lot on her plate right now and I'm sure she's really busy and super tired. Me trying to butt in probably won't help things."

It was Phil's turn to roll his eyes.

"You aren't butting in, and you've been telling me that she's been busy and tired for how long now? I'm not saying that it's not true or anything, but Dan you at least deserve a little heads up when she's going to be MIA. It's unlike her to act like this anyways."

"It's like I said, she's probably just stressed. It happens."

"Dan, you two literally tell each other everything. She Facetimed you in the shower to show you that mohawk she made with half a bottle of shampoo and her hair. When we found that crescent moon shaped birthmark on your leg the first thing you did was send her a picture. You two literally could not be closer if you tried, so I'm for sure calling b.s. on this one. Text. Her."

Dan smiled at the memory, but the faint grip of rising anxiety started to take it's hold of him.

"I don't want to bother her."

"You won't be."

"How do you know?" Dan asked. There was an unasked emotion hidden in his words, and Phil obviously picked up on it because his gaze softened.

"Jaime is just as attached to you as you are to her. I'm sure that she's feeling the same thing as you right now, and I can be sure because I've known you guys for less than six months and you two are closer than anyone else I know. She loves you so much, Dan, and you're important to her too. And you're much more important than whatever stress she's feeling right now."

Dan chewed at his lip, pondering the words Phil spoke. Phil meanwhile pushed Dan's phone into his idle hands, a meaningful look in his eye.

"Come on, one text. Tell her that you miss her, hope she's doing okay, and that you wanted to catch up with her soon whenever she gets the chance."

"Dan tapped his finger on the case of the phone, mulling it over.

One text can't hurt that much…

"Okay."

Phil beamed, and he settled back on the couch, pulling Dan back into his original position. This time though Phil's body was cocooning Dan's more, and Dan was sure that it was Phil's way of showing silent support.

"My eyes are closed, and I promise I won't look. Let me know if you want me to though."

Dan opened his phone and nodded, knowing that Phil would feel the motion. He pulled up his chat with Jaime and his fingers hovered over the keys.

One text won't hurt.

Dan typed out a message before the doubts could try and stop him and pressed send without thinking about it.

To: my maraschino cherry hey jaime, im just texting to lyk that i  miss you and hope youre doing okay! we havent talked in a while, and i was wondering if you wanted to catch up when you get the chance?

<3

Dan made sure to take his phone off of vibrate and turn up the volume of his ringtone so he wouldn't miss when Jaime texted back. He locked his phone and leaned to his side to deposit it onto the coffee table.

Phil's eyes were still closed, and the sight made Dan smile.

"You can open them now."

Phil cracked open an eyelid, his gaze falling on the dejected phone before moving back to Dan, a question in his eyes.

"Yes, I texted her," Dan said, "I didn't chicken out."

Phil smiled, giving Dan a fond kiss on the cheek with a grin. "I knew you wouldn't. Just wait, you guys will get back into the swing of things, I just know it."

The corners of Dan's lips moved involuntarily at Phil's little remark, and he settled back against Phil's chest. Now that he had done it, Dan was glad that Phil had talked him into texting her, and the thought of Jaime seeing Dan's text and them patching up this weird phase was relieving. Dan's eyes drifted to the cell phone, willing it to ring even though he had just sent it.

Even Jaime doesn't text back that fast. Give it another minute or two, she'll text back.

But Jaime never did. Dan ended up staying for a few more hours, and even once he had found himself back in his own flat and in bed, he had stayed wide awake and restless. Dan couldn't stop tossing and turning, and his quest to get comfortable enough was in vain. It was early in the morning when Dan managed to fall into an unfulfilling, light sleep.

But no matter how many twitter notifications that sent Dan hurtling for his phone, none of them were from Jaime.

~~~~~

When Dan's phone vibrates he's sprawled out on his couch, a jumbo bag of M&Ms in his hands and a Netflix original on his television. His eyes were glazed over with exhaustion from yet another double shift. On his phone was a reminder to call his boss to talk about how ridiculous all of this extra work was, and how they needed to hire someone else, but that reminder had been collecting digital dust for over a week at this point.

Dan shook out a handful of M&Ms into his palm and then poured them into his mouth. He shifted the bag into his right hand and used his left to fish his phone out from his pocket.

Dan turned on the screen to check the notification and coughed so violently he started to choke.

Tears sprung from the corners of his eyes from how hard he was coughing, but Dan could care less. He was furiously trying to pull up his new text from Jaime, but his fingers were clumsy and slow when compared to his fluttering heartbeat.

Finally getting his breathing back under control, Dan read over the short text.

From: my maraschino cherry can we talk?

Dan read it once, twice, three times, four.

It had been six days since Dan had sent that text to Jaime back in Phil's flat, and Jaime hadn't so much as tweeted.

Confused, anxious at the hidden meanings, yet also elated at having Jaime's attention, Dan typed out a reply as fast as he could.

Part of him was fearful that if he waited too long she would disappear once more.

To: my maraschino cherry yeah totally

From: my maraschino cherry cool. is it okay if i call?

To: my maraschino cherry yeah

He was surprised at the quick responses after being treated with radio silence for so long, but he didn't have time to dwell on it because milliseconds later Dan's phone was ringing, loudly announcing that he had a call from Jaime.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dan."

Jaime sounded exhausted, but she didn't sound angry or upset like Dan's anxiety had imagined she would. If anything, she sounded almost...detached?

"Is everything okay?

"Yeah, everything's fine. How are you doing?"

She was obviously trying to direct the conversation away from her, but Dan didn't press it.

"Good and bad I guess. Mentally things really are going well because of therapy—which is something that I can't thank you enough for convincing me to do. Work's been a bitch without you though. I've had to do more shifts with Steve then I think I've ever had to in my life, and I've been taking a lot of doubles to cover your times. So like, I'm tired a lot because I'm actually doing things with my time, but I've been making a hell of a lot of money, so it's not all a complete shitshow."

"God, I bet work really has been hellish. Sorry for leaving you to deal with it by yourself, I really had thought that I would have been spending more time in Manchester."

"Don't worry about it, Jaime. You can pay me back with a bunch of signatures for me to sell on ebay when you become a famous actress."

Dan heard Jaime snort, and the small sound made him smile wildly.

"Yeah, sure. How's things between you and Phil?"

"Hmm, really good, but also...kind of weird?"

"Spill."

"I finally took your advice and talked to him about lying to me. It turns out that he got so withdrawn because he was trying to hide the fact that his weather station was going bankrupt and that he was going to lose his job. He didn't tell me because none of the other stations around here would hire him, and he'd have to leave Manchester to continue being a meteorologist. And I mean, that means that he would have to move, and we would turn into a long-distance relationship. Which is fine, I'm totally willing to do it. He just wasn't sure what to do and didn't want to get me stressed over it."

Dan held the phone to his ear with his shoulder so he could use both of his hands to close the bag of M&Ms.

"I understand why he didn't tell me, and we worked past it. He applied to a few stations across England, and we're waiting to hear back from them all. I don't want him to give up on his dreams and passion for meteorology because of me, but I'm just bummed I guess? And kind of anxious too. It's going to be weird not having him here, and trying to manage a long-distance relationship is definitely going to be a learning curve. But I'm willing to. I want to. I don't want to lose him."

He stood up from the couch and started walking to the kitchen to find a rubber band to keep the M&M bag closed.

"So I mean, that's kind of been putting a damper on my mood recently, but we're trying to move past it and ignore it at the same time. And we've been spending a ton of time with each other while he's still here, making the most of our time together and all that. Having to travel all the time to see him is going to suck." Dan wrapped the rubber band around the bag and tossed the candy onto the counter. "We've been going on a lot of dates recently, and it's been really nice to spend so much time with him. Oh! It was also his birthday recently. Like, two weeks ago? Somewhere around there. We went to this cool pizza place where we got to make our own pizzas, and Jaime, god, you would love this place. When you come back to Manchester I've got to take you for lunch or something." Dan flopped back on the couch. "Jaime? You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"Good," Dan said, laughing, "I just haven't heard you this quiet in a long time."

"I have my moments. Besides, I like hearing your voice. I miss it."

The unspoken I miss you hung heavy, and it dragged the corners of Dan's mouth down. He couldn't remember a time when he had heard Jaime sound so melancholy and sullen.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. What else is new?"

"Jaime, I know you-"

"Just talk to me, Dan. Please?"

And even though Dan was concerned for his best friend, he relented. Dan talked more about how Phil moving was making Dan feel, and he explained a few of the other dates he and Phil had been on. Dan explained how Jaime didn't have to worry about Mary and that she was fine. He told her all about the little things that she had missed being in London, from Dan's new shows he was watching on Netflix to how the color in Dan's hair was this close to being completely gone.

"And wait, David and I-"

"Who's David?" Jaime asked, breaking her silence.

"I didn't tell you about him yet? I met him at the shop. He had stopped in for a smoothie, and I stopped him because he was wearing an ace ring. We were so surprised to find someone else like us! He gave me his number and we're really good friends, or at least I'd like to think so. Anyways, we went to the movies the other day, and I spilled an entire soda all over my pants in the middle of the movie. Jaime, let me tell you, it was probably one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life." Dan said, laughing at the memory. When he heard nothing on the other side of the line, he could feel his eyebrows drawing together. "Jaime? Did you hear me?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you hear me? About me and David?"

"Oh, yeah. I heard you."

There was something in her voice that hadn't been there before, and it made a part of Dan's chest ache.

She was jealous.

"Jaime, you don't have to worry, you still mean more to me than-"

"Dan," she sighed, "I'm not-”

"But you are! Jaime, I know you!"

"I'm not, Dan. I'm glad you found a new friend and someone else who was ace. Really, I'm happy for you."

"Jaime…"

"Really, Dan."

Dan exhaled deeply, his eyes falling shut for a few seconds. He opened them back up.

"Fine, I won't push it. What's up with you though?"

"Nothing really that important."

"What? Jaime I haven't talked to you in forever, and you're working on this super cool play! There's got to be something new."

"Nothing's really worth mentioning. And Dan...I know it's been a while since we've talked, but you can't really expect me to be around all the time, you know. This play is taking up so much of my time with opening night right around the corner."

Dan fumbled for the right words, confusion and hurt washing over him in waves. Where the hell was this coming from?

"Jaime?" He managed, his voice sounding just as weird as he felt.

"I'm just saying. I know you've been texting me, and I'm sorry I haven't been responding, but I just can't answer all the time, you know?"

"What? No, wait hang on," Dan's hand tightened on the phone in his hand, some of the hurt turning into anger. "I get that you're busy, I really do, I promise. I don't like, expect you to be at my beck and call whenever I want to have a conversation with you, but Jaime you've been ignoring me."

"I haven't been ignoring you."

"I texted you six days ago, Jaime. You're telling me you didn't have half a second to answer me in six whole days? And that was only this time. You've stood me up before."

"Look, like I said, I'm sorry I haven't been that good at responding recently. I've been busy."

"No, I know," Dan pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, his eyes squeezing shut, "and it's okay if you don't respond right away. I just...I just would like it if you could maybe try to not wait so long? Like it can just be one word or something, just to let me know you're alive. I keep thinking that I've done something wrong or whatever and that you just don't want to talk to me."

"Just because I haven't been talking to you as much as normally doesn't mean that you've done something wrong, Dan," Jaime breathed, but her words sounded wrong. They sounded annoyed and almost belittling.

"Jaime, what the hell is going on with you?"

"Will you drop that?"

"No! You're not acting even remotely normal, so sorry for worrying about you I guess!"

"You know what, I can't deal with this right now," Jaime muttered. Fear took a hold of Dan instantly and he rushed to try and patch up whatever mistake he had made, desperate to not lose Jaime for who knew how long.

"Jaime, wait-"

The dial tone in his ear cut Dan off, letting him know that she had hung up on him. For a minute Dan sat there, the phone still raised on his ear, his wide eyes boring a hole into the plaster of his wall. Then gravity kicked back in and his arm fell to his side. Dan didn't even notice his phone slip onto the floor.

Dan swallowed thickly, a lump in his throat threatening to choke him. He retraced the whole conversation in his head quickly, desperately searching for where he went wrong. But before he could even try and find his error, tears started to burn at the corners of his eyes and dripped down his cheeks. A strangled sound escaped his throat and he drew his knees up to his chest, hands shaking and breath short.

What did I do?