#<- warnings

[ashes-writing]

stranger things ● forever pt 4 ● s.harrington

warnings

[ multi chapter ] angst - so much internal angst, past traumas / dealing with the fallout, robin's falling in love with Barb / struggling with how and whether to risk it all and come out, you/reader have a 3 year old so.. dad!steve and baby talk because your kid is still grasping the art of talking.

reader/you is female with female parts + appearance, a 3 year old named Stevie. reader/you are also the cousin to Robin Buckley. reader/you also has a past, your own traumas and personality. this is self indulgent and i do not apologize, not even a little.

word count + prev. part

pt 3 <- can be read by click.

4549 exactly.

summary

Barb's car pulls to a stop behind Steve's car and Robin's entire face lights up. "And that's my cue. Hey.." Robin looks from you to Steve, "Why don't you guys hang out tonight?"

You know perfectly well what she's up to. From the way Steve shuffles his feet, you can safely assume he knows too. He starts to beg off, protest, do something because he doesn't want to impose. And he's just about to when you speak up. "I don't mind..Unless you don't want to, Steve?" he's shocked that you're saying it, he wasn't expecting it. 

He chuckles quietly. "Yeah. I'd like that."

taglist + shoutouts

taglist is here <- click to add yourself. if you're here for gareth/eddie or other ST men..lemme know.

@allelitesmut @caravelofthesun @chaoticcancer @dylanwritesgood @eddiemuns0nl0ver @just-a-blue-nerd @jaydaaasworld @music4life42 @slyisbehindyou @spaceconveyor & @tbmunson bestie ilysm and i'm so happy to have you to bother you with my weird ideas you're amazing omg.

other links

masterlist ● steve's masterlist ● about + rules

FOUR

Stevie is coloring quietly. You're flipping through channels on the TV and unwinding after work. The faintest echo of the car door as it slams outside of the trailer has you turning to look out the window of the trailer. Steve's car is sitting in the driveway and as soon as Stevie realizes, she's making her way to the door. You slip out of your seat and pick her up, wandering out into the yard.

You tell yourself it's just so you can let Stevie see Steve but deep down, you know it's not only that. You're not prepared to admit it to yourself but there it is. The truth.

Steve is leaned against the driver side of his car and he's twisting his keys around his finger as he talks to Robin. Stevie climbs down from your arms and runs over, hugging against Robin's legs. Robin picks her up and lets her get comfortable and you lean against the side of Steve's car. Just close enough that the side of your body brushes right against his. Steve glances over at you. 

"How's the job going?" he asks.

You laugh. "Today was long. So long. I think I sorted paperwork and files until I thought my eyes were gonna bleed." you open your eyes and give a tired smile. "The good news is that Stevie seems okay in their daycare so far. I think she's even made a friend."

Steve chuckles quietly. "That's good."

Stevie scrambles down from Robin's arms to tug at Steve's pants legs. Steve bends down, scooping her up and she nuzzles her face into his neck, yawning. "I tired. Played wit other girl today."

Steve chuckles. "You did, huh?"

"Mhm. Had fun." Stevie yawns again. "I missed you and aunt Wobin."

Barb's car pulls to a stop behind Steve's car and Robin's entire face lights up. "And that's my cue. Hey.." Robin looks from you to Steve, "Why don't you guys hang out tonight?"

You know perfectly well what she's up to. From the way Steve shuffles his feet, you can safely assume he knows too. He starts to beg off, protest, do something because he doesn't want to impose. And he's just about to when you speak up. "I don't mind..Unless you don't want to, Steve?" he's shocked that you're saying it, he wasn't expecting it. 

He chuckles quietly. "Yeah. I'd like that."

You smile at him as Robin and Barb drive away and you make your way up the 3 steps into the trailer. As he goes to step inside, he rubs against you to pass through the doorway and your breath hangs.

So does his but you'd never know it. He manages to play cool, smiling at you as he stands inside your aunt's trailer with your almost sleeping daughter in his arms.

"So.. are you hungry, Steve?" you ask the question because if the air gets any thicker between you both you will lose it.

"I could eat." Steve chuckles quietly as you close the front door behind you. You step up to him to take Stevie so you can lay her down and let her nap because the lady over the daycare for your new job mentioned that she hadn't gone down for a nap today.

"I'll take her." Steve mutters quietly, and you nod. He follows you to the bedroom and places Stevie on the bed. You tap his shoulder to hand him her blanket and when he turns, it puts you body to body. "Sorry, I.." Steve mutters and you smile. "It's okay."

He takes the blanket from your hands, putting it over Stevie.  You lean down, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she sleeps. Then you leave the room with Steve closing the door just enough that the tv doesn't interrupt her late nap.

"I think I'm gonna order a pizza. Is there a certain one you prefer, Steve?" you ask as you walk over and pick up the phone to dial.

"Not that picky." Steve answers, lingering in the end of the hall. You're slinking around the kitchen and twisting the phone cord around your finger as you place the order and at one point you pause in front of him and tilt your head, staring up at him. 

" Everything okay?" you mouth the question, tilting your head slightly as you look up at him in concern. He manages to make himself nod and you try to stop yourself but you place your hand on his chest, continuing to gaze up at him in concern because you're remembering the day before, when he had that nightmare and you happened to witness. 

" Yeah, that's ___. At 12 Forest Hills Road." you hang up after telling your address and as soon as you have, you step closer to Steve. "Steve.."

"Yeah?"

"It's okay to not be okay." you mumble. 

He nods. Tries to give a convincing smile and you shake your head, stepping closer. Closing the miniscule amount of space that remains between you both as your breath hangs in your throat. "I'm sorry." you step away just a little and when you do, Steve misses the contact. And the realization has him up in arms. If he thought it was just going to disappear, it’s not. And being alone with you like this is only going to make the way he’s starting to feel and get way too attached way too quick so much harder to fight.

The two of you wind up sitting down on the sofa, close but not too close. You hold the remote out to Steve but he shakes his head. You turn off the television and he tears his eyes off the screen to look at you.

"I want to get to know you."

"I'm boring." Steve insists, shaking his head. Laughing quietly. “I am.”

"Somehow, I doubt that, Steve." you smile a little. He smiles too and he nods. "I am, though. But I wanna get to know you too."

"Ask me anything." you laugh softly. "I mean it. Anything."

"Anything,huh?" Steve rubs his chin. "Favorite food."

You laugh. "I don't even think I have one..maybe shrimp scampi, there was this diner in Shreveport, ugh..they made the most amazing shrimp scampi. Okay, your turn." you look at him and he laughs. 

"Spaghetti.. my mom hired this nanny once that made the best homemade spaghetti sauce." Steve is smiling to himself.  You smile. "I prefer to make my own if I eat spaghetti. I uh…ate it a lot as a kid? And my mother was the worst cook." the smile fades just a little. Just enough that Steve senses family might be a sore subject with you like it is for him. 

"Mine doesn't cook." Steve admits quietly. And there's just something about the look on his face when he says it..you just know without asking that his mom and your mom might be similar.

"I dunno if my mom ever learned to cook or not." You shrug as you say it.

"You lived with your dad?" Steve asks, curious. Robin didn’t mention her aunt much at all and the handful of times that he’s heard her mention the woman, it was always with the slightest hint of irritation and disgust. So he’s just hoping that maybe you lived with your dad, that your parents were split up or something.

You shake your head. "Don't know the guy. And I haven't seen Jenna since I was 17."

Steve grimaces. And when he sees the slightest hint of a hurt look, he speaks up quietly. "You don't have t' talk about it."

"It's okay. It's not a big deal anymore." you shrug again. "She threw me out."

Steve's jaw clenches and he sighs, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. It was better that way. And Stevie saved my life anyway, I was..a totally different person at 17 than I am now at 20."

It hits him exactly what you're getting at and he can't help but feel angry. Angrier than he should. He barely knows you, after all. But he's angry that from the sound of it, you went through everything all alone. And he's also in awe, it's telling him you're strong. Very, very strong. It also bothers him because no one should have to go through everything you have all alone.

"My parents weren't ever around. Made for some killer house parties but sometimes.." Steve goes quiet, "it's too quiet? And all I ever do anymore is think. And overthink." his words die away and he shrugs as if it’s nothing. 

"My brain won't shut down either." you admit quietly. You've moved closer to him on the sofa because the way he's just opened up to you… you can tell that what he's admitting now is only scratching the surface. And now that you're both talking and opening up…you almost feel connected. It's harder to shut out all the little things about him that caught your attention to begin with.

That slope you're on is getting more and more slippery.

Your eyes catch on the red scar circling his neck and you try not to stare too long or anything. Your hand raises, fingers gingerly brushing against the healed wound and you rush to snatch them away as soon as you realize what you’ve done.

You remember what Robin told you, the story behind how he got it. Steve shifts the way he’s sitting a little because he wasn’t expecting the little touch and now that it’s gone, he kind of misses it, but he’d die before admitting it.

“Robin, she uh.. Told me what happened in March.” you stammer out and then you go quiet. Steve tenses a little. He shrugs and he mumbles something you can’t quite make out. 

“You’re really brave, y’know? I think I would’ve died like a thousand times over.” you mumble quietly because you can’t think of anything else to say. Your words die away and you look down for a few seconds. 

The pizza you ordered thirty minutes ago has finally arrived, the delivery person is knocking at the door of your aunt’s trailer. You use the arrival of food to slip off the couch. Distract yourself before you’re dumb enough to touch him again because you want to and you want it badly.

You pay for the pizza and close the door behind you, turning around puts you body to body with Steve. You’re beginning to realize exactly why you’ve been attempting to limit yourself from one on one time with him because the air is thick again, you can’t breathe. And instinctively, before you can stop it from happening, you’re stepping up into him, the pizza boxes in your arms keeping space between you both.

It’s space you don’t want, but space, nonetheless.

Steve reaches out, taking one of the pizza boxes. Your head tilts and you’re lost in his eyes. Staring and quiet. Lost in thought.

Steve can’t take the building tension so he turns and walks into Robin’s kitchen to place the hot pizza box in his arms onto a counter. You follow behind him and do the same. Steve opens one of the boxes and grabs a slice and so do you. 

And as the two of you stand in the kitchen, quietly eating your slices, the tension grows just a little more. Especially when you step closer and all the space between you both vanishes because you’ve raised to your toes to wipe away some pizza sauce from the center of his bottom lip. As your thumb rolls across the surface of his bottom lip, Steve’s breath hangs in his throat and he coughs a little because he nearly chokes on the bite of pizza. 

Both of you are desperate to steer the conversation back to lighter topics in a way, but it also feels so good to get some of the stuff that’s been said out in the open. Especially for you, because until now, you really didn’t have anyone to say some of these things to.

And Steve’s still thinking heavily about what you admitted to Robin.. That you could love him. The more the two of you talk like this, the more tempted he is to fight for that. To try and make you love him. The more he wants to let himself love you.

But it’s all so fast.

Enough to make your heads spin.

Brown eyes catch on pizza sauce smeared at the corner of your mouth and Steve’s hand raises before he can stop it, the pad of his thumb rolling over the saucy stain. Your breath hangs and you swallow hard, locking eyes with him.

“Favorite color?” Steve asks after a few seconds.

“Red. You?”

“Yellow.. No,no.. Dark blue.” Steve chuckles and the sound dies away after a second or two. 

“Stevie told me you played basketball.. In high school?” you mutter, tilting your head as you look up at him. Steve chuckles, shrugging. “I wasn’t that great or anything.”

“I doubt that, Steve.” you’re doing it all over again, stepping closer. “I used to take dance.. There was this old woman who lived like… two shotgun houses down from Jenna. She was kinda like a grandma to me? She taught me a little ballet. It’s been years since I tried t’ do any of it.” you admit. “I was a cheerleader for a little while.”

Steve chuckles, gazing down at you. He steps just a little closer too. Somehow, he pictures it easy, a younger version of you doing ballet. Then cheering. 

“I can see it.” he admits, going quiet.

“Stevie.. She acts like she wants to do ballet when she’s a little older. Guess I’ll see about it when that happens.” you take another bite of your pizza and you’re looking up at him all over again. A teasing smirk as you tell him, “I bet you had girls all over you in high school.” and you want to die as the remark leaves your mouth because you did not mean to say it out loud, it just slipped out.

Steve laughs and shrugs. “None I really liked… I mean there was one girl.” he goes quiet. Winces just a little. “And I thought maybe we’d have a shot again.” he shakes his head and shrugs. Trying to pretend it doesn’t still sting a little.

And he immediately decides to turn the remark around on you. “I bet you had a ton of boyfriends.”

You laugh and take a bite of your pizza, shrugging. “I didn’t uh.. Do the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing. Kind of a serial dater.” you go quiet. Swallowing down the bite of pizza you’ve just taken as you admit quietly. “The only guy I attempted to get serious with was Nick. He’s Stevie’s father.” you rub the bridge of your nose as you take another bite, “That was a huge mistake.”

Steve grimaces. “Sorry.”

“Oh no, no. It’s totally fine. I am perfectly capable of admitting I was an idiot.” you wipe some of the pizza sauce and grease off of your mouth and Steve’s eyes are drawn to it as you do. You laugh  quietly. “Stevie’s never gonna know him. He didn’t want anything t’ do with either of us after he found out I wasn’t getting rid of her.”

Steve’s fist clenches at his side. “Seriously?”

,, At one point.. Before you grew the hell up, man.. You might’ve been the same way.” the thought comes but it’s quickly replaced with the reminder, no, no you wouldn’t have.. Because you’ve always wanted a huge family. To make up for the way you had t’ grow up.”

You nod. “Mhm. His name’s not attached to her like.. At all.I just didn’t fill in the space on her birth certificate. They pushed me to just put a name down but I refused. I’d rather not have to deal with him ever again and this way, I won’t have to.” you go quiet for a few seconds. “I’m dreading the day she starts t’ ask questions. Because I don’t want to lie to her but I know the truth would kill her. I’m hoping she won’t.”

Steve nods.

You laugh softly. “Okay, this one is lighter. It’s funny. I didn’t actually settle on a name for Stevie until a few months ago? I called her Lily or Nicole for the first two years. I.. Everything was overwhelming at the time and I was too busy worrying about how I’d even take care of her so like.. It hits me as I’m giving birth to her that I don’t have a name picked.” you laugh a little, shaking your head all over again. “So I tell the nurse I’ll fill everything out with Lily Nicole but I might change it later and I need forms to do that. So she gives me the forms and I put them up. It was always in the back of my mind that I wasn’t keen about the name, or Nicole for her middle name. So, I’d always just call her bug or peanut, a little nickname.”

“Lily’s pretty.”

“Right? But it didn’t suit her, not at all. I don’t think she liked it either.” you laugh and continue, shuffling your bare feet against the floor where you’re both standing. “Then, a few months ago, I’m driving Stevie to my friend’s place so I can go in to work. And I hear The Chain on the radio. Stevie loves this song, mind you. So I called in sick, went back to my apartment and tore it apart to find her paperwork. I filled it all out and stuck it in the mail so I could change her name to Stevie Robin.”

Steve chuckles quietly. “That’s actually kind of awesome.”

You smile. “Thank you.”

As the thickness begins to build in  the silence all over again, you speak up quietly. Stepping close to Steve before you can stop yourself. “Whoever this girl was, Steve..She’s the one who’s going to miss out.”

Steve shrugs. “Doubt it.” - and he’s being honest because Nancy went from admitting that she didn’t feel like she was sure about being with Jonathan to leaving town with him soon. And it bothers him. Maybe not as much as it did at first, but it does still sting. 

“From where I stand, yeah.. She really will. I mean.. You seem like a really nice guy. And my daughter loves you to pieces.”- you feel like you have to say something because he looks like it hurts him and this bothers you a lot more than it really should.

,, and I’m starting to get attached myself. Which is scary, dangerous for me to even be contemplating.” that thought comes racing to the front of your mind but you don’t dare say it. You can’t.

“And Nick sounds like an asshole. You’re better off without the guy.” Steve blurts it out and as soon as the words leave his mouth, the thought pops into his mind ,, if I were him, I never would’ve made her go through all this alone.”  and he tries to shove it down and bury it but he just can't. 

“You’re not wrong there. Not even a little.” you agree. And you lean forward to take another slice of pizza from the box as Steve does the same, your sides brushing. You give him an apologetic smile and he laughs, shrugging. Laughing harder as the cheese from your slice tries to slide away from crust and you dangle it over your mouth to try and pull the cheese off. 

You flip him off playfully.

He does it right back. And then his eyes fix on the tomato sauce on the corner of your mouth and he really focuses on it, leaning into you to drag his thumb over the corner of your mouth to wipe it away. You barely bite back a whimper but you do exhale and it’s shaky. 

“Pizza sauce again.” he states quietly, giving a little bit of a smirk, “You’re kind of a messy eater, you know that, right?”

“Bite me, Harrington. Like you’re not.” you tease him right back as you lean into him, wiping away a sauce smear on his lip. 

As the conversation dies away, Steve reaches for the remote and turns on the tv and you settle in closer to him, both of you getting caught up in an episode of Magnum PI. 

Stevie wanders in at some point, slipping up onto the sofa and balancing herself on both your laps as she nibbles on a slice of cheese pizza that you take out for her. And when you look over again about an hour later, she’s completely on his lap and they’re both asleep, Steve with his head thrown back against the back cushion of the sofa and Stevie with her head against his chest.

And everything feels good. Like it’s as easy as breathing. But as soon as that thought comes, you shove it out again because you can’t give in. You’re too afraid.

Steve wakes up because he can feel someone moving around in his lap. At first, he’s confused and then he remembers where he is. And then he catches sight of the way you’re even closer to him now, your head on his shoulder right next to Stevie’s. Stevie’s starting to wake up but she’s fighting it a little. Whiny. She latches onto his body and grumbles about how tired she is and Steve chuckles quietly. “You want me to take you to your mom’s room?”

“Pwease. But don’t wake up mama. She finally sleep.”

“Finally?” Steve questions, concerned brown eyes settle on your sleeping form as he wonders what Stevie means.

Stevie nods. “She can’t sleep sometimes at night.”

“Me either, kid.” Steve admits, carefully slipping his jacket under your head for a pillow as he slips off the couch to carry Stevie to her room. As he tucks her in and makes sure there’s a pillow on either side so she hopefully doesn’t roll off the high bed, she raises her arms, making grabby hands at him so he leans down and she hugs him again. “Night, Steve. Can y’ come back more? Pwease?”

He laughs quietly. “Yeah.”

As he makes his way out of the bedroom, you’ve slipped off the couch and you’re stretching. The way you raise your arms reveals just the slightest hint of ink peeking up from the way your shirt comes up with the movement and your jeans dip down enough. He tears his eyes off the hint of hidden ink and meets your sleepy gaze.

“I had fun tonight, Steve.”

“So did I..” Steve’s stepped even closer before he can stop himself. You bite your lip as you stare up at him, a hand raised to give the front of his hair a little fluff. “I’ll see you again.” he promises and you smile, nodding. “I’ll hold you to that.” you answer as you walk him out to his car.

 As he drives away, you stand in the doorway, watching until the red of his cars taillights fade from view completely.

Then you wander back into the house and lock the doors, turn off the tv and go to your room, flopping down into bed. Stevie rolls over to put her little hand on your cheek.

"Mama?"

"Yeah, cupcake?"

"I wish Steve was my daddy. I like him a lot."

You take a deep breath and pull her closer. "Me too, cupcake. Me too. But it's not that simple."

"Wish it was." Stevie yawns out as she begins her usual self soothing fall asleep method of playing with your hair. Just as your eyes are getting heavy again she speaks up. "I think he likes you."

"Sweetie, shh.. time for sleep." you coax. She snuggles a stuffed bat she came home from Family Video with earlier in the week against her little body and soon, she's snoring quietly. 

But for you, your minds too full. And when you finally do drift off at last, it seems like minutes later, it's morning and Robin is flopping down beside you after floating through the door of her bedroom.

"Hey.. remember when I said there was something I needed to tell you?"

"Yeah..wait, does this have anything at all to do with how happy you are around Barb?"

Robin's giggling fit answers your question and then she's quiet. "You and Steve are the only people I've told. And like..the more time I spend with her, the more comfortable I get and then I remember I have this huge secret. What if I tell her and it's a huge disaster? I can't just confess my feelings but I wanna and it's driving me crazy."

"I have a feeling it'll be anything but a disaster, Robbie. Body language expert, remember?" you give a sleepy grin as you reach out and stroke your cousins hair. "I thought she was about to kiss you the day I left Stevie with you guys at the video store."

Robin is thinking hard. To distract herself, she turns the topic of conversation to you. "How'd it go with Steve?"

You sigh. And she can see the dreamy look on your face. Then your frowning. "Kind of like torture when you get attached to someone you know you can't have.."

"Why couldn't you?"

"Robbie.." you sigh and yawn. "I'm not going to put her through what Jenna put me through. Besides.. pretty sure Steve is not looking for a situation like mine, Robbie. He's 21. Doubt he wants to get all settled and shit. And I'm not going to turn party girl either. I did my time as the Buckley family wild child. Kind of burnt out on it." 

Robin laughs and you raise a brow. "What? It's true and you know it. I don't wanna hold him back."

"Do you know what he actually does for fun?"

"Well, no.." you answer. "What's he do?"

"He hates parties. His typical night is to go home and eat nuclear food. He probably goes out two times a month now? And it's just to see our other friend Eddie and his band play."

"Oh."

"He's burnt out on it too. A girl who works the salon next door has been trying to slip him her number since like…January and he just walks away every time."

You nod. " You have to stop making it too easy to fall for him, Robbie. I'm a mess. He deserves way better."

"You're scared, in other words." Robin is teasing, but it bothers her that you even think the way you do about yourself.

"Terrified. I didn't even feel the way I do around him when I was so 'in love'" you air quote the phrase and roll your eyes as you say it, "with Nick."

"Thats.. a huge deal."

"It is. But I've gotta fight it."

"You don't, though." Robin insists.

You laugh softly. 

"Where did Stevie get the bat?"

"Steve won it for her while we were waiting for our lunch order earlier this week."

And her telling you that…it only makes it just a little harder to resist him.

[thisartemisnevermisses]

Suburban Life 7/-

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warning: extra warning for this chapter, there is talk about suicide and harassment, angst, fluff, death, drama, comforting, sad reader, slow burn.

Summary: Steve had his daily run every morning. While running through the streets he noticeds a house with it’s lights on. A woman is dancing to the music, while making breakfast. Two childeren join her and they start eating. Steve is fasinated with the life of this little family and even stops to withniss this suburbane life every morning during his run. Feeling the need to settle down and the one question remaining Where is the man beloning tot this family?

A/N: Thanks for the likes and comments. In this chapter the past of your is revealed. The reason of your husbands death, may be a heavy subject. I know what I’m talking about, so don’t think, that I think about it lightly. As a mather off fact, it happened in our organisation 4 years ago. This is the last chapter to complete your past, as from now on we will heading to a major fluff. Enjoy this chapter, and let me know what you think!

Chapter 07: Past and Present

After that first morning, it was normal for Steve to show up and join your family for breakfast. For almost 3 weeks straight he was greeted with Alex or Isobel opening the door for him. He new that they took turns opening the door for him, but at some point he felt disapointed that you never opened the door for him. He would always walk in and see you busy in the kitchen. It took some time, but after a few time he started to help you out. Sometimes he played a game with Alex and Isobel, other days he stood next to you helping preparing breakfast. You would talk about the things you had planned for that day. At some point Steve went into the study and came out with a book, questioningly looking at you. “Are you a teacher?” Steve asked amused, a big smile upon his face.

“Yes, whats wrong with that. Why are you smiling like crazy?” you asked, starting to smile yourself. “Oh, nothing, just thinking about you as a teacher.” He snickered. “would you cut it out. Like you’re a big shot, Captain America.” You tease him trying to imitate his voice, but fail miserably. Both of you start to laugh, earning looks from Alex and Isobel. Not noticing the glaze the children give each other.

“So, anything special planned for today?” Steve asks while mixing his yoghurt. “Mom finally agreed to a movie night.” Isobel answered overexcited. “It took her long enough, right mom.” Isobel nutged you in the side. “He, no fair. You both didn’t ask for it, so I thought you didn’t want to.” pouting the best way you could. “Mommy, can Captain America come to.” Alex looked at you mimicking your pout. “Alex, I think Steve has other plans and beside watching a kidsmovie isn’t very interesting.” Earning gasps from Alex and Isobel.

Steve shuckled a little, while eating his breakfast. “Actually, I have no plans for tonight. So, If I’m welcome, I would love to watch….” He eyes Alex, hoping he would name a movie..”Eight Below.” Alex shouts looking at you. “Sure, why not.” You sigh, you’ve watched this movie countless times. “Steve, please don’t feel obligated and don't reschedule appointment.” Looking at Steve, his smile widening, “I really have nothing to do tonight. So what time, should I be here?” he ask, stiffling his laugh.

At 7 o’clock sharp there was a knock on your door. You opened the door, welcoming Steve back. He stood there, his eyes shining, big smile upon his face, a big bag of gummy worms (on recommendations from Tony) in one hand and a bouquet of flowers for you. “Good evening, Captain Rogers.” you say politely, trying not to snicker, gesturing for him to step inside. “Alex, Isobel, you’ve got company.” shouting, with loud noise both children run towards Steve, being the little energy balls they are, they jump around him and take him to the living room. You mouth a sorry towards him, you get is a big smile and a nod from him. When Steve enters the living room, he’s met with an overload of cosiness. There are snacks on the table, the lights are dimmed and there are pillows laying on the ground. He looks at you, “What?” you ask “Nothing special for you, we always do it like this.” You shrug.

Steve settles himself on the left, Alex decided to sit next to him. Incing every second closer, until he is rested against his back. Glazing at Steve, he smiles lovingly at the move Alex makes. Whispering something in his ears, makes Ales smile and settle completely in his lap. Your heart warms at the sight before you, your house felt for the first time like a home. He made that possible, he was the one giving you a hand and taking you out of the storm you were in. He gave you hope and realisation you weren’t you, but a robot. Staring at the person opposite of you, you feel so grateful for having this stranger come in your life. Steve catches you staring at him, once you meet his eyes he smiles back at you. A soft thank you, leaves your lips. Maybe tonight was a good time to tell him your whole story.

At some point during the movie, Steve and you started to exchange glances at each other. All of you were sitting on the ground, each of you had one arm leaning on the couch. Steve had shifted, so that his hand was touching your had. While watching the movie, both of you took turns in caressings the others hand. You felt like a teenager again, sneaking around. For your feeling the movie is over too quickly.

“Well, that was a nice movie…” you start but Steve interrupts you. He points towards an already sleeping Alex in his lap. “Would you mind, carrying him upstairs.” you whisper. Taking Alex in his arms, Steve stands up and brings Alex to his bedroom. You follow with Isobel. Once she has her pj’s on and brushed her teeth, you sit down on her bed.

"Mom, I'm okay with it. If you want to date Captain America, you can. I know you're not replacing dad. You should have a chance at love, even if dad was your epic love. Seeing you smile today made me happy. If he's the one making you smile again, I think dad would approve of it.” Isobel wipes away a tear, she looks at you, still dumbfounded by the kind words your 8 year old just spoke. "Honey, why do you grow up so fast, but I don't have those feelings for Steve, Captain Rogers.” Taking Isboel’s hands in yours. “Yeah, right. I've seen the way you look at him. You looked at dad the same way." Isobel snickered. “You little…death by tickling!” you attack Isobel and start tickling her, a joyfull laugh escaping her lips. It warmed your heart hearing her laugh like that. For almost 3 years, she didn't laugh so heartfully. It felt like everything was falling into place and you're allowed happiness again. Isobel stopped laughing when she saw Steve leaning against the doorway. His arms crossed and a wide smile upon his face. How he loved to see you smile, happy without worries. It felt so natural, as if it had never been different. It felt like this was his family, his home. It frightened him, he was feeling all those feelings for you, mostly admiration…..love and dare he to say it longing. Your kids had taken a place in his heart so quickly. He was afriad that his heart would shatter if he wasn’t welcome anymore.

 "Steve you okay." you ask concerned. Pain and confusion all over Steve's face. "Steve..." you saying his name again, snaps him out of his thoughts. “huh, yeah I’m fine.” He quickly replies not looking at you. “I was just thinking about something.” He adds to his answer, clearing his throat, standing straight. “Goodnight, little lady. Sweet dreams Isobel.” Steve smiles. “Goodnight, Captain..Steve.” She smiles back, laying down so you can tuck her in. “Goodnight, sweety, sleep tight.” You walk towards the door, Steve’s still standing there, you stand next to him. “You two look good together…” Isobel murmurs while drifting off to sleep. Creating a blush on both your cheeks, both of you avoiding eyecontact for the moment. Walking past Alex’s door you see him sleeping holding his Captain America doll tight. “Goodnight, little bugg.” You whisper, closing the door slightly. All this time Steve walks behind you, trying to memorize every line of your face. If only he could make you feel this way all the time. Make the pain go away. Spending all those mornings with your family and this evening were a gifts. Memories he would cherish and never let go of them. He dreaded the day that he would have to go on a mission. Hopefully he could inform you or leave you at least a note. Steve was staring at you, again in his own world, not registering the hand you’re waving in front of him. Blinking a few times, he looks guilty at you, you’ve caught him staring into the distance. You walk towards the stairs, “Let’s go, Captain Rogers, I will tell you our story.” a small smile upon your mouth.

Downstairs you walk into the kitchen. “Well Steve, time for the hard stuff, want a beer?” you ask pulling the fridge open.

“Sure, sounds good.” he smiles, observing how you glide through the kitchen. “Come on, Captain.” Grabbing the two bottles of beer, you walk towards the couch, gesturing for Steve to follow you.

Both of you sit on the couch, turning towards each other. “I will ask you one more time, are you sure you want to hear the whole story?” looking at Steve, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. Taking a large sip of his beer, he looks determined at you. "Yes, I'm sure. I want to know what causing you so much pain." Looking you straight in the eyes, taking your hand with his free one. Exhaling out heavy "Well, here it goes. My husband was a teacher too, he worked at an elementary school. He taught 6th grade. He was an upbeat person, always jocking around, sometimes even flirting. But I knew it was all talk, nothing there. I always teased him, and asked if he wanted to trade me for two of my age.” You shukkle slighty, stopping when you see the concern in Steve’s eyes. “Don't worry, i got used to his way of interacting with others. I wasn't insecure about our marriage. I knew he would always come home. I trusted him with my life.” swallowing thick, taking a sip from your beer. “Don’t look at me that way, I wasn’t the lonely wife who waited at home for her husband to come back. That wasn't the kind of relationship we had. We trust each other and knew we were faithful. Until that day, that day our whole world shattered and started making cracks in my faith in him.”

Steve silently listening to what you're telling, looking at your face, trying to read every expression and emotion of you. His thumb is rubbing the back of your hand, tightening his grip sometimes.

“He was asked to visit the principal office. There he was confronted with an letter that other staff members has written. He was accused of sexual intimidation and unacceptable behaviour. As off that point he was suspended and sent home until further notice. Within a week he was invited by an external office which was tasked with the investigation in all accusations against my husband.” you stop talking for a moment, not wanting to look at Steve, the tears forming in your eyes. It had broken your family, you couldnt’ eat or sleep, neither would your husband. You had endless conversations with him, trying to figure out who it could be and what went wrong. Cracks started to appear in your relationship, at some point you even started to doubt your husband.

Clearing your throat you continue, ”It was a very long investigation. It took 3 months to speak with every person on the school, another 2 months to form the statement. The last month was hell on earth. My husband was confronted with the accuser. It devastated him, that confrontation stripped my husband from his humanity. From that point on, he was cold, agitated, couldn’t spend time with the kids without screaming at them. I lost him after that confrontation. At that moment we stopped being husband and wife. He stopped loving me. Two days before the results were announced, he took his own life. He jumped in front of the train. Seeing no other way, assuming the results weren’t in his favor, deciding we were better of without him.” wiping away the tears that were on your cheeks. After three years it still hurt, you still remember how coldhearted he was. The way your love making, turned into something quick and raw sex. “He couldn’t take it any longer Steve, it fucked him up in so many ways. If he had hold on a little bit longer, we would have started somewhere new and forget all that shit. Pardon my language.” You say taking a sip from your beer.

“What did the report say. Was it in his favor?” Steve asks, looking at you, it was hard to read you. You tried to control your emotions, telling the heavy part of your story. When you started to explain what the investigation brought, he had entwined his fingers with yours. It was the closest he dared to be with you at this moment.  

“Yes, it was. His coworkers all made declarations in his favor. And the woman that had accused him, has done this to two other men at two different school. So she was charged and convicted with defamation. Unfortunately it was to late for my husband. After we buried him. Our families made clear they wanted nothing to do with us anymore, so we moved to New York to start a new life. Accept being two persons in one, gives me little time for relaxing or making friends. So we lived the past 3 years in solitary.” Finishing your beer in one take, looking at Steve for a moment trying to estimate his reaction.

With a soft pull, he lets you fall into him. He hugs you tight, while you lean into his warm embrace. When you move, Steve lets you go, you whisper a small no and adjusting your position between his arms. “y/n,..” Steve whispers into your ear, his warm breath tickling your neck. “Ssss…Steve. Just hold me…It’s been a long time, since someone held me.” you say, savouring the moment. "I held you recently.." Steve smiles at you, slightly shuckling. "Oh, did you.." replying playfully, locking eyes with him. This moment was perfect, you could stay this way for a long time. It made you feel warm and wanted, something you didn’t feel for a long time. Steve evoked feelings in you, you thought were gone, just as your husband. For a moment Steve felt brave and cupped your face with his hand. He looks you deep in the eyes and kisses you.