#>> i used to fake asleep
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there's a line between encouraging people to keep an open mind about DAV and pretending the layoffs don't matter & the grim internal reports regarding DAI's production didn't happen and I need 'True Fans' to find it quickly
#and when the 'Fake Fans' leave and its just us sitting in a shrinking community that cant tolerate criticism🧍🏾♀️ what then#lore: posting at 4am because a drunk text woke me up and now I cant fall back asleep
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Ehem- not me playing around with the digital pen again 👀
BUT THIS TIME I DID SOME MORE GOOBERS!!-
#Pizza Tower#The digital pen becoming all I think about-#Wanna use my old pen but first let me just use this real quick 👁️👁️#Also I wanted to draw more Pepstavo but I didn’t have the room and time (I HAVE to go to bed now but I’m staying up late )❤️🩹#Mr. Stick stressed Peppino about his height. What an asshole-#AND PLEASE I know it’s not very canon but let me imagine Gerome just khgýtt#Gerome being more of a listener is canon in so many ways#He would gladly listen to Peppino ramble#Peppino#Gerome#Fake Peppino#Mr. Stick#(ALSO I FELL ASLEEP WHILE MAKING THIS POST HELP-)
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about to project all my beef with hyper christian southern small towns onto cowboy anakin
#im talking meth heads im talking as many booze stores as there are churches im talking falling asleep to the sounds of coyotes#he is me i am him#<-#dont ask me about that when you read it#my period’s over now so i feel alive again#im talking falling asleep in church and never rlly feeling like you woke up#im talking being torn between giving into a fake version of you and leaving to start fresh#because its what you know and if everyone believes the same thing maybe youll feel like you fit in if you do too#every day being the same the trees get swept up by tornados and then they grow back#im talking being stuck but maybe its better to say god gave you a purpose so you follow that#despite the growing resentment#grasshoppers and washed up high school football players#this probably wont translate in the fic but itll be there#sweat and always feeling like its sunset HUMID AS HELL#there used to be an active crackhouse right across the street from the elementary school#i dont think its active anymore but#also a gun store across from a walmart#(in the town 40 minutes away)#📜.scrolls
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Song of the Day: May 29
“Evil Like Me” by Kristin Chenoweth & Dove Cameron for Disney's Descendants OS
#song of the day#time is fake! sometimes I'm awake and it's logical to assume that sometimes I'm asleep! and the days must pass but do I ever know?? nope#fuck I spent all day thinking today was the last day of the month and then it turns out it's not even Thursday#sang 'Evil Like Me' with Duncan at the dinner table while I ate the cabbage and I made this cabbage after the work not-a-bbq so#almost definitely that was today!#I fell asleep standing up in the shower again but the drain has been draining very slowly so when I woke up there was water above my ankles#if I flood our house with the water from my shower while I am actively standing in it and I don't notice because it's the only time I sleep#I'm going to shrink myself down and move in with the mice colonizing our neighbor's boat trailer#the mice will never know my shame. Duncan will put cheese sandwiches out in the alley for us and it will be more than I deserve#this is a really good song. very fun lyrical nonsense and also very fun musically to sing. love the idea of Kristin Chenoweth Maleficent#'I have tried my whole life long / to do the worst I can / clawed my way to victory / built my master plan#now the time has come my dear / for you to take your place / promise me you'll try to be / an absolute disgrace'#Nick really doesn't like this song for some unspecified reason--we've asked but he just gets kind of mad? like it should be obvious?#I think maybe he thinks they're making fun of people who sing about like. doing crimes? being bad???????????????#like honestly what could be more punk she's literally Maleficent but go off I guess#I dunno but if I were going to be mad about a Descendants song that I occasionally roam the house over-selling#it wouldn't be a Broadway-star-supported certified banger like 'Evil Like Me'#it'd be goofyass 'Rotten to the Core' where I'm playing four parts simultaneously and pitching my voice up and down like a rollercoaster#love that fucking song it's so dumb and it's so much fun and I get to stomp on the chorus bits
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What up I'm married to a tall person who is basically Milo Thatch but agender, and uhhh, basically, yeah, everyone should be jealous and I LOVE MY CUTE TWINK NERD WIFE!!!!! 😤😤🥰🥰🥰❤❤❤👌👌
#original#i love my wife#had a big crush on that character growing up#you know who else is really into her? EVERY OTHER CHUBBY TRANS GUY IN CHICAGO apparently we just see her and are like OH HELL YEAH#do you know why this is? it is because we have excellent taste that is why.#and also we want non threatening masc people to be into us and respect our gender! that's me anyway#and this is excellent news for her anyway bc we're in an open relationship & she thinks guys like me (her HUSBAND 🥰😁) are incredibly hot#this is also bc she has excellent taste.#but it is a running joke that she keeps getting nice OKC matches that look a lot like me 😂#anyway this post is a thing that would have made young me BOIL with envy if someone else said it but in fact it is ME#and young me grew into me and is in here like AAWWWWWWW YYYEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHH 🤘🤘🤘🤘🚀🚀🚀#she doesn't just look like Milo she also moves and emotes and talks like him. and until recently her glasses would not stay on her face!#she got new ones. nerd. i adore her.#she is so kind to Jack (me) and to my giant anxious pitbull child#she puts his blankie on him as he rests on her toes to make sure she doesn't go anywhere 😭😭❤#she is my best friend and she never makes me feel stupid or fake or undeserving. she just likes me so much and she fkn acts like it!#and we have good boundaries and communication in a very autistic way [positive] and she is so smart and funnyyy#oh i am falling asleep now#probably has something to do with how thinking about my wife makes me feel safe and warm or some gay shit like that 🙄 ;)#edit: omg it just occurred to me that she is like 80% Mill and 20% Jessica Jones. just in terms of like. vibes. XD#she cares a lot about Jessica Jones. I will tell her my findings in the morrow#*80% Milo
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ya know it’s honestly funny and weirdly comforting when my friends call me a fake gremlin or green tea bitch because like despite that they still love me and like having me around
#deity dialogue#idk like I’m the past I’ve struggled a lot with like ‘performative positivity’ where I wouldn’t ever let myself be anything other than peppy#24/7 even when it was exhausting and I wasn’t happy#and then irl I deal a lot with being treated like an idiot and infantalized and so I’ve in an attempt to make myself feel better#started to lean into it like sure make whatever assumptions you want about me I’ll find a way to benefit from you treating me like this#I’ll pretend to be an uwu sweet angel if that pleases you or whatever.#but like it’s also nice because like around my friends and loved ones I can have actual emotions other than happiness 24/7#that being said I still talk like an elementary school teacher I cannot change this I’m sorry#that’s not fake I just talk Like That I know I use and excessive amount of exclamation points and question marks this won’t change lmao#I also like to think I’m somewhat peppy and social? sure my social skills suck ass and I’m terrified of everyone ever#but I also love to talk to people and hear from people I’m just kinda at a point where I struggle to even reach out first to most people any#more. it feels like if I try to maintain contact or reach out first that I’m overstepping and should be killed in sight lmao#so again sorry if y’all don’t hear from me much or at all it’s not anything y’all did I just struggle a lot and idk how to not T-T#I have to hope that someday it’ll get easier#rn the main thing helping is the reassurance and patience from ny beloved friends <3 I love my friends sm#the tags r all over the place sorry I’m half asleep
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yet again possessed by that time faust asked akira to sing "that song about stars from ur world"
#stardust speaking !#I NEED TO REREAD THAT SSR CUZ.......FAUST..............FAUST?!?!?!!??!!?!??!!?#faust ssrs r so funny#'faust what can i do to help:)' 'take the day off' 'okay^^ (long pause) wait#LIKE LMFAAOOOOOOOO + both likes cats...........#lennox faking losing his bottle so they could stay so akira could see the nightsky#oz trying to use his magic to heal arthurs tongue cuz he drank the tea when it was too hot?!😭 and falling asleep#cuz it was night.........and akira telling him another way to help + pressuring oz to do it + making oz say 'pain pain go away'#'id like u to teach me magic if possible' 'what u possess is far greater than magic' (thinks about sages heart) LORD#the amount of time akira has called oz a parent is kind of unreal wtf#central wizard oz.....................
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English added by me :)
#玫瑰女人#douyin#video#tiktok#hmmm this triggered a fever dream like recollection of a barney & friends segment from one of the old vhs tapes i used to watch#where those twins were doing a weird dance in front of a fake mirror for like a bajillion hours#i was so stupid as a kid i never realise i could fast forward past things i didn't like#the first time i used youtube when i was like 10 or so i clicked on some 'hey there delilah' parody video that was like 8 minutes long#and i hated every second of it but for some reason it never occurred to me to turn it off#look i don't remember a lot of my youth but the things i do remember are hellishly boring#which me and my sister realised a few weeks ago actually when we were talking about a trip from our youth#and she was remembering all these interesting details about things we did on the trip and where we stayed#whereas the only thing i remembered was this long ass sidewalk next to a big white wall we had to walk along to go up a hill to the hotel#and also when we were visiting some decrepit abandoned cabins in the middle of nowhere.....the long ass drives in between each fuckin cabin#where i was half awake half asleep in the car and it was so hot and then we'd get out and just stand around squinting at dusty wood fences#the theory we settled on is that i don't remember shit except for the torment of boredom bc those things were so repetitive and extended#that my brain had no choice but to remember at least part of the experience#anyway time for bed methinks
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i'll say it again. every SWANA girlie should be entitled to one free patricide per lifetime no charges no jail time no nothing
#devastating news today.#i learned that 1- my dad wanted to start a bet on me dropping out of uni before the end of the year.#he was serious too. thankfully my mom told him to shut the fuck up :)that's exactly what i need while struggling with my studies thanks dad#2- he's now spreading lies about me to my mom to make me look bad#he told her i lie when i say I'm going to sleep and instead i keep the lights on and stay up all night#and that he sees me frolicking around playing and having fun while claiming to be asleep#my mom called him out on being a shitty liar because when i can't sleep i still keep the lights off because i fucking hate the lights#and also she comes to check up on me at night and sees that i am asleep so she told him he's a liar#and now 3- he's claiming my whole mental health lapse thing was me faking depression to get away with having poor grades#which is funny because he took me to the psych hospital himself and told our entire extended family that I've gone crazy.#funny how he changes his story all the fucking time!#and his proof? he 'sees me chatting with people and laughing all the time so i can't be that depressed'#what people you fucking dickhead. do you know how debilitating lonely i am. do you have any idea how much it kills me.#and when my mom tried to stand up for me and say that i don't talk to people#his reasoning was that i'm being secretive about it because i must be talking to boys 😐😐😐😐#i truly dont understand him. like my guy YOU put me in a girls school and follow me outside everyday to make sure i take the girls' train.#like what boys have i conjured out of thin fucking air. literally what the FUCK are you on about.#also now he's using that as an excuse to 'keep an eye on me' and look in my stuff and follow me around#i know he opens my phone because that absolute idiot accidentally took a photo of himself with it#and i know he follows me this isn't news to me. i just. idk. i thought we were on better terms these days????#like i truly thought we were being friendly and cool with each other lately???#then he explodes out on nowhere with this stuff and goes on and on about how much of his money is wasted on me!!!!!#i'm just so sad all the time and i'm truly trying to hold on and not end everything and i dont need him to do this to me right now#i'm so so sad and tired! really i don't see an end to this!#one day i'll walk into the ocean and have him fish my corpse out of the water
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concept (irl):
dream tickling george and using football terms throughout his teasing, one’s that he purposelessly knows george won’t understand
i would give an example but i too don’t know football terms 😂 i just know that it’d get the adorable whiney “What dohoes thahat eheheh meheheaaaann?” protests from georgie 🥺
idk it’s just cute
#it’s kinda like the ‘i went on a journey’ kinda tease? like using tickles to exaggerate an epic moment in the game or whatever#or like how sport people pretend to kick an epic goal and then do the fake crowd cheers?#basically i’m just imagining dream using george’s torso as a football field to describe a moment in the game#and then throwing in a bunch of other words tk confuse george#and george being confused and giggly#lee!george#ler!dream#i should ne asleep hehe#llamas concepts
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kinda fucked up that we all only get one chance to live and yet some of us have like. insurmountable odds stacked against us while other people get to go without ever experiencing a panic attack or a headache
#my dad had his first panic attack at 55 after a life changing event and explained it and asked if it had ever happened to me before#like my guy you had a panic attack and i used to have them every day.#he also never had that falling sensation while falling asleep before#and my grandma was 80 when she had her first headache. and thought they were fake before that point.
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x
#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com!#I never knew how to explain why I don’t like the holidays right#because yes! I’m full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely#and I like the coziness and the everything#but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all#it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy.#minus the racism re: piet obviously that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t get into rn#but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years#and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how#that love isn’t. felt. not really. it’s always been about unspoken pain hè projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries#and I just can’t do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH#THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED??????????#‘amber hes crying it’s heartbreaking you’re coming’#yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they don’t know about any of this#but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who we’re choosing instead of your child#I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids#but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me#I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesn’t matter ever#then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally#haven’t been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasn’t gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm#and I’ve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know What exactly#and just. the contact with this man. I can’t keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me#I can’t even properly explain what it’s like or what happens. just that I can’t do it anymore because it’s tearing me apart and it actively#holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back#in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/#I can’t keep surviving I have to start living#and it’s ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays#I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasn’t getting it#and I refuse to live like that ever again. I’m done. I’m done!#and it’s deeply sad and upsetting but we can’t fix this. we just can’t.
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i see a lot of movies so i have seen the ant-man quantumania trailer like six times by now and every single time i see it i get less and less interested from a starting point of absolutely not interested
#my brain falls asleep when i see all the cgi she is unenriched and undernourished by it#and that's simply because the cgi is not good at all because marvel studios pumps these movies out at breakneck speeds#like i watched avatar again yesterday and u can Tell it took like 14 years to make that movie#like my brain is soooo enriched looking at everything she forgets it's cgi u know#and that's a whole combination of things from use of practical effects to the simple labour of love that was perfecting the animation#u can do an almost fully cgi movie that integrates seamlessly w your real life assets!!! marvel movies simply Don't#they used to when the cgi was more limited like the phase 1 movies are well done in that regard#i think actually the worst offender of recent history was dsmm that shit looked so fake and bad
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ough
#echos#fell back asleep again#and had a weird dream where like. i think someone in my family died? their name was Appalachia. I'm not related to anyone named that irl#but anyway we were visiting my grandma's (also not her actual house) for like a calling hours or smthn idk how funerals work#and i (small and confused) just split away from the group and started exploring the house#ran into a group of cousins who were also exploring#specifically. they were exploring what things they could steal without anyone noticing#apparently we'd talked before but i obviously didn't remember bc memory issues#(that happens irl too. frequently.)#but they asked me if i wanted to stick with them#and i (small and confused but who was also fully a kleptomaniac as a kid) said yes#anyway i explored a ton of the house with the main cousin she was like an older punkish gothish girl#seemed around my sister's age?#whenever she said she remembered something about me i just nodded along like 'yes i also remember that (i do not)'#but we were in Appalachia's room and finding trinkets and i found a Septimus Heap book#except it looked like a bootleg the cover was slightly off like it said 'Subtimos Hope' instead#found out it was a fake cover for a witchy type thing that she was keeping secret#i took the book it looked cool#there was a secret room we almost got to#but then another cousin caught us and kept saying that it was Appalachia's stuff and we shouldn't touch it#cousin i was with was really dismissive#but then angry cousin pointed at me to try and get me to talk#and he just said '[ex's name] is pointing at you' making full eye contact#i despise eye contact and don't really like being pointed at and ex still upsets me#so i just mumbled 'i didn't know' before i think fainting on the spot#couldn't tell if i was taking it or not#but yeah that was weird
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nowhere near a cute lil boop message so I'm over it but read tags for an epic prank my class pulled in 6th grade spoilers it doesn't go well the whole time
#okay so elementary used to go up to 6th grade here and for some reason my school decided to split the boys and girls up#the graduating class consisted of one sped class and the 'typical' classes were one boy class and one girl class#the girls started in our math teacher's class and she pranked us by tricking us into believing she'd gotten engaged with the science teacher#we shipped her with and when she dropped us off in the library we decided to get revenge and fake a fight#the librarian helped us plan it and my job was shielding my giggling friend when the teacher walked in#anyway we convinced her something terrible had happened and when we all started laughing she was cool#like yeah you got me back with the worst thing ever good job lol#then it was the math teacher's job to help us trick the englih teacher (halfway through the school day the classes swapped places)#little did we know that while we were orchestrating a fake post-fight environment the english teacher was dealing with an ACTUAL fight#in the boys class and when she came to pick us up instead of lauging along she got genuinely upset thinking both classes had had a fight#we were apologetic and she was just like...grateful we weren't actually fighting lol#anyway that's the story if you made it this far it finally occurred to me that the reason annette touches my face when im half asleep#is because i boop her nose all the time when she'd half asleep so honestly? karma
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Vent
Tw: suicide
#I need a hug#I've got heavy shit on the mind#I'm hypersexual n need sex but at the same time I'm tired of whoring myself out for attention#there's people I keep around even tho I'm 90% sure they're just using me#just seems funny that im suddenly popular when I get the energy to send spicy pics#this is about several people still here and not#I know it's my fault for letting myself be used#but at this point?.....I hate myself so much and I want the attention more than I wanna be safe#I don't see vaule in myself unless it's sexual.....but even then#im seriously feeling broken#my life wasn't horrible I have no excuse to be this much of a loser#but no matter how hard I try nothing changes#I don't think I'll ever feel loved n safe#I wanna fall asleep in arms that are 110% safe#I'm not being used everything's equal and I'm confident I won't be dumped#why am I broken in these ways when I had a good life that people who are actually abused envy#I wish something solid happened in my life so I wouldn't feel like a fake loser#what if God tells me I was subconsciously lazy the whole time#IM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING but; I'm just really feeling like I'm a bad person who needs to be exterminated#but what if subconsciously I'm just saying that because I want attention?#what if I'm subconsciously making every problem up and I'm just lazy and bad and evil#I really feel like the world would be better off without me even if it makes my loved ones sad#I know this one's far fetched but it's a real anxiety I have and I need to get it off my chest in hopes I'll forget it;#what if in my effort to make everyone happy I'm subconsciously following the devil's deeds cus I'm the antichrist?#right now logically I'm not 100% there#but there are times during anxiety attacks where it feels more than 100% possible that I'm that evil...#I just feel like I'm desperately trying to scrub my subconscious clean and I can't reach these really dark places#I can't see everything and it scares me what if there's stuff I don't agreee with there#I wish someone could understand these feelings but I just think I'm so fucked up m twisted#:( I don't wanna be a bad person
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