#okay so elementary used to go up to 6th grade here and for some reason my school decided to split the boys and girls up

[agentemo]

nowhere near a cute lil boop message so I'm over it but read tags for an epic prank my class pulled in 6th grade spoilers it doesn't go well the whole time

[mypoisonedvine]

Can u pls write something like dark!reader x steve rogers high school AU , where R is rich spoil brat & she always had a crush on steve but she always bully him by calling him skinny and all and Then yrs later, time changes her family discarded her from will and she becomes poor and need job, got hired for PA by dark ceo!steve rogers who she bullied her all school lifee😈😈

okay this is a lot for a headcanon but I don’t have time to do a whole oneshot BUT I also really like it so we’re gonna just make a longass headcanon here we gooooo

warnings for heavy dub con, choking, slapping, degradation (by steve), bullying (by the reader), abortion mention, brief mention of/implied assault.

“heyo pipsqueak” you called out to get steve’s attention, laughing when he frowned.  “looks like you grew a whole inch over summer, be sure to have your mom draw a line in pencil on the doorframe.”

he just rolled his eyes and got back to chatting with his friend.  not friends, friend, cause he only had one: bucky, who snarled at you as well.

“pick on someone your own size, if you can find somebody with as big a head as you,” bucky shot back, making you scoff.

“you know, it’s a shame you hang out with this deformed freak, you could’ve been popular.  you’ve got the looks for it.”

“I’d rather keep my brains, thanks,” bucky explained as you walked away with your posse of fellow popular kids.

you didn’t used to be so mean to steve.  it was sort of a comedy of errors, really.  you two had been friends in elementary school-- you, him, and bucky were the rambunctious trio up until middle school.  

things change for boys and girls in middle school.  guys just get along with each other and don’t think about it much.  girls, though... girls need to be sharp.  it’s eat or be eaten.  and you wanted to eat.

you were lucky that you developed early.  it meant that girls respected you and boys feared you-- not just for your attractive features but for the fact that you loomed a foot over most of them.

you started to take advantage of it.  and by the time you realized you had feelings for your best friend steve, it was already too late-- he was at the bottom of the food chain and you were at the top.  

you told your new girl friends that you wanted to take steve to the sadie hawkins.  they laughed at you.  for a moment, you felt what it was like to be outcast and you never wanted to feel it again.  so, you told steve and bucky that you’d grown apart.  and you were happy to just be former friends...

it was steve that started it.  he called you out.  he told you that you were nothing like who he used to know-- you had become vapid and cold and narcissistic.

“you’re so busy worrying about what other people think, you never take the time to think for yourself.”  that was what he said.  and it fucking hurt.

“saw you talking to your boyfriend steve the dweeb,” your friend tanya announced at lunch just a few minutes after that conversation.  and you were angry, and hurt, and truly friendless despite being surrounded by other popular girls.  so you said some things you could never take back.

“steve?  as if.  did you know he still sleeps with a security blanket?  and he has his friend bucky fight for him every week cause if he took a punch he’d crumble to dust?”

and so, mortal enemies were formed.  it only got worse in high school, as you fought to secure your title at the top while steve and bucky’s presence filled your heart with guilt and your gut with anger.

if only you’d known how quickly you could fall from your high horse.

it started when you dated tanya’s ex, brock.  she was made so she spread a rumor that you would fuck any guy on the football team, even all of them at once.

apparently, a lot of people believed it since tanya had been your sidekick since 6th grade.

two football players believed it.  and when you wouldn’t follow through on it, you got yourself a black eye.

that meant you missed school for a week because you couldn’t possibly show up looking like that.  tanya told everyone it was because you got grounded and sent away to church camp after your parents caught you in bed with one of the neighbors.  so now your reputation was ‘sleeps with football players and old men.’

only brock had been there for you.... but it turned out he had motives of his own.  you had originally planned to wait until college, but brock was clearly wanting something in return for putting up with dating pariah #1... so you let him take your virginity.

the condom broke.  when you dashed to the trash can to hurl in the middle of history class, you knew something was wrong.  (and lost that many more social points in the process.)

brock dumped you the second he found out you were pregnant.  didn’t even help you pay for the abortion.  he got back together with tanya and told her the real reason for your ‘medical absence’.  and that was the last straw for the former homecoming queen.

the humiliation drove you to some.... poor choices, for the next few years.  you tried not to think about them now, but it was hard not to when their consequences were staring you right in the face: no money, no job, nearly homeless, and desperate.

over a hundred job applications later, only one had called you back and scheduled an interview.  and you only needed one.

so there you were, waiting in the chilly lobby area while the receptionist typed away and chomped her gum, tapping your toes and glancing out the window occasionally.

you were surprised when you had been told your interview would be on the 51st floor.  you sort of assumed it would just be some random manager interviewing you, not somebody important enough to have a waiting room like this, or a view like this.

when a man stepped out from the nearby hallway, your eyes went wide.  he was tall, and handsome, and obviously muscular underneath the exquisite suit.  you suddenly felt underdressed in your hand-me-down business clothes.

then he called your name.  and you realized he was going to interview you.

you stood up and nodded.  “you can follow me to my office,” he instructed with a smile, leading you down the hall to the corner office.  you were in awe of the grandiosity of it all.  you were dumbfounded when you saw CEO on the door.

“there must have been a mistake,” you explained as he shut the door behind you.  “I... I’m just interviewing for an entry-level position.”

“no, there’s no mistake,” he shook his head, “I have you exactly where I want you.  take a seat.”

he circled his desk and sat on the other side of it, resting his elbows on the desk and giving you an oddly smug smile.  an awkward silence was finally broken when he realized, “you must not remember me.”

“I... have we met?” 

“I don’t blame you, I look pretty different,” he shrugged.  “I must’ve grown a whole inch this summer.”

you gave him a confused look before realization dawned on you, along with shame, and fear.

“oh... oh my god, Steve?!” you squawked.  he just grinned.  “you look... you look...”

“taller?”

sexy.

“you look great!” you said aloud instead.

“yeah,” he agreed, “wish I could say the same for you.”

you swallowed dryly.  “so that’s what you want,” you sighed, “to get back at me.  I understand.  I deserve it...”

“I don’t want revenge,” he denied.  “I’m just sorry to see you haven’t been... thriving, since high school.  your job history--” he scanned your resume briefly-- “well, you don’t have one.  have you been slumming it all this time?”

“without my parents’ money?  yeah,” you admitted.  

“surprised you applied here, instead of turning tricks on 5th and Columbus.”

your back straightened and your eyes went wide at that comment.

“I mean, you’re already dressed for it,” he smirked.

you stood up and crossed your arms.  “if you’re just going to insult me, then I’ll leave now.  I’m sorry for everything I did to you, steve,” you announced, voice shaky with oncoming tears.

“can you really afford to leave?” he pressed.  “if you have a chance at a job?”

that, unfortunately, got your attention.  “you... you might actually offer me something?”

“I will offer you something,” he corrected, “if you just sit down and listen.”

you relented, returning to your seat.  you could stand a lot more insults if there was money on the line.

“to be honest, there’s no way I can hire you for the position you applied for,” he sighed.  “you’re just underqualified.  but I think I can create a position for you.”

you liked the sound of that.  “what kind of position?”

“well, that’s tricky, seeing as you don’t have any skills,” he frowned, “except one.  so that’s the one I plan on using.”

the look in his eyes made it all too clear what he was referring to, but as you shrunk into the leather chair he went ahead and clarified.

“I’ll pay you whatever salary you saw in the ad.  but you won’t be doing data analysis or office management or anything like that.  all you’ll be doing is spreading your legs for me whenever I fucking want.”

fear shot up your spine; his eyes were devouring you, pinning you to the chair, and you tried to process that.  “I--”

“before you say anything,” he interrupted immediately, “let’s just be perfectly clear that this might be your only shot at a real job.  what I’m offering has better pay than stripping, and better benefits than hooking.  and unless you have any education or experience I don’t know about, you’re totally fucked.”

“seems like I’m fucked either way,” you mumbled, making him laugh.

“see, you’ve still got that sharp tongue,” he grinned.  “can’t wait to put it to better use.”

maybe it was just desperation for cash.  maybe it was because he was good-looking and you could do a lot worse.  maybe it was because, on some level, you felt like you deserved his punishment after how horribly you’d treated him.

“I’ll do it,” you sighed.  “when do I start?”

he stood up and reached across the desk to grab your neck, glaring at you.  “right now.”

his free hand was already fumbling with his belt, the one on your throat guiding you downwards.  “on your knees,” he instructed, and you slipped out of the chair and onto the floor.

he let go of your neck and you figured he was going to come to you, but instead he stood still and demanded: “crawl.”

debasing as it was, you crawled on your knees to his side of the desk, and he laughed at you bitterly.  when you reached his feet and popped back up, you gasped at the sight of his hard cock right in front of your face. it was bigger than your face.  and it was dripping precum.

“don’t get so bug-eyed, you can handle it,” he grinned.  “if your mouth’s as big as I remember...”

you didn’t want to hear any more.  you just wanted to get this over with, so you quickly took his head between your lips and started to suck.  you were shocked when he slapped you, hard enough to knock his length from your mouth and to make you reach up and clutch your stinging cheek.

“fucking whore,” he grimaced, “did I say you could put it in your mouth?  god, you’re so fucking desperate.  just open your fucking mouth and I’ll show you what I want, okay?”

you nodded and stammered an apology, looking up at him with watery eyes and an open mouth.  he swiped the latest drop of precum on your tongue before gliding his cock over it, grabbing your hair to keep you steady as he pushed himself to the back of your throat.

“fuck, that’s better,” he sighed.  “so much better when you just do what you’re told.  I remember how you used to be so cruel with this mouth.  now you’re being so welcoming...”

you just sat there and let him use your mouth, trying not to gag when he hit your throat.

“look up at me,” he instructed, “yeah, that’s it.  can’t have you forgetting who’s doing this to you, now can we?”

that went on for a bit longer until mascara-stained tears streaked your face, which he seemed rather proud of.

“damn, wouldn’t mind having you swallow my come right now,” he admitted, “but I have bigger plans.  get up, bend over my desk.”

you coughed briefly when he pulled out, but did as you were told.  he instantly yanked your skirt up over your ass and spanked you several times roughly, making you sob and whine.

“wanna see this ass all bruised up in the shape of my hand,” he explained.  “so we can both remember how hard I fucked you.”

he tore your panties like they were paper, chuckling when he found you already wet.

“dripping already, just from choking on my cock?  poor baby...”

you spread your legs slightly, though you were sure nothing was going to adequately prepare you for his size.

“you figured out how to use birth control since graduating, right?” he asked, and you nodded quickly.  “good.  cause I’m not using a condom,” he continued as he let his cock glide over your folds, groaning slightly, “and there’s no way in hell I’m pulling out.”

he pushed forward in one brutal stroke, making you cry out loudly.  you really hoped these rooms were mostly soundproof.

“shit, you’re tight,” he hissed, already pulling back and thrusting back in.  “clearly you recovered from your years of slutting it up in high school.”

“that-- that wasn’t true,” you defended.

“oh, just shut up,” he growled.

he fucked you fast and deep, his hips pushing yours into the edge of his desk with each thrust.  his hands pinned you down at your shoulders, another reminder that you were entirely at his mercy.

“fuck, this is just what you needed... somebody to put you in your place.  makes sense that it should be me, since you hated me so much.”

“I didn’t h-hate you,” you hiccuped. 

“yeah, you wanted me, didn’t you?”

“always,” you admitted.

“wanted my fat fuckin’ cock to tear up your pussy?  is that it?”

“yes,” you moaned, “yes, steve, wanted to be yours.”

“even when I was skinny and short?”

“even when you hated me,” you added.

he growled slightly and you felt your walls tighten around him suddenly.  he chuckled, clearly aware that you were enjoying this.

“you want more, baby?  want me to fuck you harder?”

“whatever you want,” you answered instead.  “just use me however you want.”

he moaned and leaned down to cage your body in with his.  “fuck, baby... you’re taking this better than I thought you would.  such a good girl for me, huh?  such a good little slut.  want me to use you, baby?  take all my anger out on you?”

“yes,” you whispered, sobbing when he began to fuck you more brutally than you thought possible.  but it felt good.  so good that your legs were shaking, so good that you felt even better when he tugged your hair.

“yeah, gonna come on my cock, aren’t you?” 

you nodded and bit your lip.

“m’ close too,” he admitted, “you’re gonna be so full of my come, it’s gonna be dripping down your legs when you walk out of here...”

your orgasm made your body shake and your eyes roll back.

“fuck, I can feel you coming,” he groaned, “fuck, just like that-- fuck!”

you felt his warmth fill you as his cock flexed against your walls.  you were busy trying to catch your breath when he slumped down on top of you and pushed the air from your lungs.

“damn... didn’t think I was gonna come that fast,” he sighed.  “see what you do to me?  fuck, I knew this was a good idea.”

sure, it felt good, but you were sure he was only going to get rougher and meaner the longer this went on.  you couldn’t imagine how you were going to get out of here without somebody noticing your wrinkled clothes, messed-up hair and, as he’d pointed out himself, come all over your thighs.

“guess I’ll see you at 8am tomorrow, huh?” he chuckled, giving you an unexpected peck on the cheek.  you couldn’t answer, though, interrupted by the phone on his desk ringing.  “oh, sorry, gotta get this.”

he reached for the phone and picked it up, bringing to his ear all without pulling out of you or even lifting his body from on top of yours.

“bucky, hey,” steve grinned as he spoke into the phone, looking down at you and stroking your hair, “you’re not gonna believe who I ran into today...”

[wish-that-i-was-buckys-girl]

For dayton can you write being childhood best friends with him and you've always been there at his races and one day your running late so you don't get to see him before for his pep talk. And his race goes horribly and eventually when he sees you he gets angry and you get in to a argument. But eventually he makes it up to you.

A/N: Alright, here’s my first go at writing for Dayton White! I watched Logan Lucky and absolutely adored it. Dayton does not get the love he deserves! I decided Im going to make this at least a two parter, potentially spanning into one or two more. I really want to dive into the past with these two! This will focus more on their relationship growing up, while the second (and potentially third) part will contain more of the angst. Once again if I don’t write for a Seb character you like, just ask and I’ll try and gain access to it! I hope you guys enjoy. I also really hate to do this, but I recently quit my job due to a toxic work environment. Here is my ko-fi, if you can donate that would be cool, but if you can’t no pressure!!! Love you all ❤️

https://ko-fi.com/kyleey01

Pairings: Dayton White x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, no proofreading (I’ll get to it)

Word Count: 2.5k

You’re Always There Part 1

Your earliest memory of Dayton was meeting him at Memorial Park in your hometown. You were both 5 years old, new to the world outside of your home. It was the day before Kindergarten, and both of your parents wanted you to make new friends before the first day of school. Hopefully meeting someone in your class, they felt you wouldn’t be as scared being truly away from them for the first time. You only had a single mom, and she did everything for you that she could, even taking you to the park after her long day at work. Dayton had both parents, making it easier for him to let go and meet new people. His home was “complete” by societal standards.

“Mommy I don’t wanna go play on the slide. I wanna go home and play dinosaurs with you” you said looking up at your mother.

She kneeled down to look you in the eye, holding her shining gaze with yours looking both serious and concerned, “Honey, you know you go to school tomorrow. This is your chance to go meet someone new, maybe even have a friend when you go into school tomorrow.”

You were extremely hesitant. You loved your momma, and she loved you more than anything. You had friends on your street that you liked to play with, but your mom was never far away, only a quick yell and she would be there. This was different. She had told you she wasn’t going to be there if you needed her, and that you would have to wait until school was over to see her again. You cried for two days straight after you had the “school” talk. What were you going to do without your mom? She was your superhero, your friend, and the best mother in the whole wide world. You didn’t need anyone else. That’s what you thought, at least. Until you met Dayton.

“Go on chickadee, go make some friends. You’re a big girl now who can build pyramids with blocks and cut out dinosaurs with scissors, you can do anything” your mother said with a smile.

This was all you needed to muster up the courage to conquer the slide. You nodded at your mom and ran off towards the wooden playground. They really should’ve made these things plastic, with splinters and bee stings being common afflictions of being on the playground, but it didn’t matter to you. It was fun all the same.

You began to climb the steps of the huge castle, making your way through drawbridges and holes through the wood to get to the slide. There were two other little girls there, a little older than you, maybe seven. You mustered up a quiet “hi” but they didn’t hear you, already screaming and running off in a different direction. Just when your hopes of making a friend had been dashed, you heard another voice from behind you.

“Hi. What’s your name?”

A boy of brunette hair and ocean blue eyes was staring at you expectantly. You weren’t expecting anyone to respond except those girls, so you were timid at first. You opened your mouth to speak several times but nothing came out. You started to become overwhelmed, tears welling up in your eyes.

The boy noticed, looking at you confused. He had only asked you your name. However, his momma always said if someone was crying, you fix it.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me your name. Do you need a hug?”

All you could do was nod, strangely opening up to this welcoming boy. He smiled and brought you in for a tiny hug. He wants gentle, kind of rough actually as he swayed you back and forth with energy. He pulled away, hoping you had felt better. You did.

“I’m Dayton” he said, smiling at you.

You smiled back, with tear stains still on your cheek.

“I’m Y/N”

“Y/N, it looks like you need another hug” Dayton gave you another hug, holding you until he stopped hearing the faint sniffle that escaped your body every so often.

You pulled away, nodding to indicate you were alright now.

“You wanna go down the slide? My mommy is probably wondering where I am” Dayton asked innocently.

You nodded, relief washing over you that someone wanted to be your friend

“That sounds awesome.”

_______________________________________________

From that day forward, you and Dayton were attached at the hip. Elementary school had been a breeze. Thankfully, Dayton was in your class your first year. Although it didn’t stay that way, you would always find time to meet and play during recess. Recess time turned into meeting after school, and meeting after school extended into high school.

Dayton began racing during freshman year. Your school offered a racing club which allowed students to meet after school and go to various tracks in the state to see what it was like to race. You and Dayton had always gone Go-Kart driving on the weekends, but you never thought it would turn into anything serious. Dayton, however, has found his passion. He started building his own race car after school sophomore year, and even asked if you would come over to help. You knew absolutely nothing about building a race car, but Dayton wanted you to be there and that’s all that mattered.

“Y’know I know nothing about building a damn car right? Do YOU even know anything about building a car?” you posed to Dayton in an almost accusatory tone.

“As a matter of fact, Y/N, I have been studying how to build this ‘damn car’ for over a year now, so why don’t you put a little respect on Francine’s name?”

“Well, Dayton, I suggest you begin studying geometry before you fail the quarter. And you named the thing already? Is it your lover or you car?”

“It’s both” he gave you a weird wink, one on the left, and then another on the right in secession.

“You are absolutely gross, White. I can’t believe I ever agreed to go down that slide with you when we were five. It was probably all apart of your evil plan to keep me from being someone else’s best friend just so I could build this car with you” you rolled your eyes as you sat on the hood of his family car.

“God you’re so right. You caught me. Our entire friendship has been a sham, and it all led up to this moment. And now that I finally have you where I want you...” he said with a low growl, planting both of his hands on either side of you as you sat on the hood of his car.

“I’m gonna get ya!” He said tickling your sides

You shrieked, absolutely taken aback that his hands were all over you.

God, his hands were all over you.

Alright, maybe he is cute, but there was no way you two would ever date. You came to that conclusion a long time ago. Your crush developed in the 6th grade, which is absolutely astounding considering middle schoolers are anything but normal. Even in the most awkward stage of life Dayton still managed to be charming and cute as ever. You were determined to tell him, but he would never shut up about Stacey Waterson. You hated her with every fiber of your being. What was wrong with you after all? You had it all, at least that’s what your mom said. You were decently pretty, immensely funny, and his best friend. You shared everything together. What more could he want? Well, the answer to that question would be Stacey Waterson. He wanted her, and not you.

You came back to from the tickling after laughing for what seemed like minutes. Your sides were hurting from contracting your ab muscles for too long. You pushed Dayton off of you playfully, but he pounced back on you, pinning your arms above your head.

“Say the password and I’ll let you go” he stared you down, being absolutely serious.

However, you wanted to double check.

“You can’t be serious” you retorted back, completely flustered due to the situation you were currently in on top of the incessant tickling that occurred just moments before.

“Oh, I’m serious. Say the password and I’ll let you go!” He said with a huge smile on his face.

“Jesus Christ, let me go you dick” you said while struggling to get up.

Dayton made a loud buzzing sound in your face.

“Try again!”

“Dayton come on let me up!”

Dayton made another loud buzzing sound in your face.

“Come on Y/N, just one little word and this can all go away. All you gotta do is say..”

“Goddamnit Dayton, chicken! Chicken for fuck’s sake” you said waiting for his response.

Dayton made another loud buzzing sound in your face.

“I’m sorry, that’s the old password. There’s a new password” he smiled at you, knowing this was ridiculous.

You finally mustered up the strength to push him off of you.

“What do you mean the password has changed!”

The password “chicken” has been used in every single scenario since you first let. For whatever reason, You and Dayton found that word hilarious when you were at a birthday party in the third grade. It was Danny Henry’s 8th birthday, and of course it was chicken themed. Every child gets infatuated with a new thing every year. Danny happened to live on a farm, and all year he wouldn’t stop talking about getting a pet chicken. You all wore chicken hats, there were chicken plates, a chicken cake. There was even a “Pin the Beak on the Chicken” game which, if you do say so yourself, was way more entertaining than “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” You and Dayton lost it by the time your mom picked you up from the party, absolutely hysterical in the backseat. Ever since then, it was your secret password for everything.

“I was thinking we should change stuff up. Make up a new password, it has been seven years since we thought of one.”

“Oh yeah? And what is this new life changing password that is soooo good that our childhood memory is being brushed under the rug?” you question.

Dayton had an almost hurt look on his face, but he proposed the new password to you anyways. 

“I thought the new password could be Francine. Y’know, I just think this is another great milestone in our friendship, working on this car and all. This day is really important to me and I’m glad you’re here” he said with sincerity.

You didn’t know what to say. This day did mean a lot to him, and your friendship overall. 

You nodded in agreement. 

“Alright, the new password is Francine. However, I will still be accepting chicken as a password in the future.”

Dayton smiled one of the biggest smiles you had ever seen.

“Deal. Now, let’s get this car on the road. We have a lot of work to do if I’m gonna be ready for my first ever official race next Saturday.”

______________________________________________

Race day was here. You woke up early next Saturday morning and drove over to Dayton’s house to pick him up to go to the race track. Dayton’s dad was taking his race car down in their trailer, but you and Dayton wanted to head to your special place before the race. It was eight o’clock in the morning and Dayton had until noon to get to the race track. 

Ever since the 6th grade, you and Dayton would walk to this rock in the woods after school to talk about your day. Your mom got home at seven every night, so you only had four hours to do something before she got home and realized you were “missing.” You talked about everything on that rock, and that rock was also where you realized you had the biggest crush on someone since your infatuation with Paul Rudd in “Clueless.”

You pulled up in your beat up Dodge Intrepid, newly sporting your license. You grabbed some granola bars and bottles of orange juice to enjoy while sitting on the rock.

You both sat down on ground, leaning up against the thing. You both sighed and enjoyed the crisp cool morning air. Finally, you broke the silence.

“You nervous for today?”

Dayton looked down between his legs while chewing on his granola bar.

“I am absolutely terrified. I mean, what if I mess up?”

You laughed a little.

He looked at you with confusion.

“What’s so funny?” 

You shook your head.

“it’s your first are Dayton. It’s okay to be nervous and even mess up. At the end of the day, everyone is going to be proud of you. We’ll all tell you how great you did because we know how much you care about this. You’ll do amazing.”

He smiled, almost not expecting such kind words to come from your mouth.

“You’re something else Y/N, ya know that?”

“Oh yeah? Stacey Waterson is something else too I bet” you said half jokingly, half serious.

He rolled his eyes. 

“Who gives a fuck about Stacey Waterson when I have a girl like you to cheer me on and surprisingly gives the best pep talks.”

“Well the way I see it she was the one who got the invitation to prom, not little old me who will be spending that Saturday night in my basement playing my PlayStation.” 

He shook his head again.

“I never asked Stacey to prom.”

You suddenly shifted to look at him square in the face.

“What?”

“I said, I didn't ask Stacey to prom.”

You were dumbfounded. He told you he was absolutely determined to take her. What had changed?

“W-Why? Why didn’t you ask her?”

He kept smiling and shaking his head.

“God Y/N, for being one of the smartest girls I have ever met you really can be dumb sometimes.”

“Excuse you, Dayton White, I happen to be taking AP U.S History, Honors Biology, and-”

That’s when you thought heaven had fell down from the skies and landed right on that rock.

Dayton had leaned in and kissed you. God, why did he have to be so charming?

He slowly took your lip into his mouth and gently sucked on it. You reciprocated by taking his top lip into your mouth and began moving your mouth with his. Time had stopped. It felt like you had molded into one person, enjoying the sensation of each other’s lips. 

He finally pulled away, looking you dead in the eyes.

“Do you understand now?”

You nodded, still stunned by his actions.

“I think we better go. I wanna see this handsome boy I kissed win his first race.”

[slowpokegamer]

So it's Ninjago's 10th Anniversary :D I was originally going to draw the ninja for today but I thought on it a bit,, and I wanted to do something a little more personal to celebrate

I was only 10 years old when Ninjago first aired and was an undiagnosed autistic child who wasn't really allowed to enjoy anything outside of the stuff my family provided. Ninjago was the first special interest I was allowed to explore outside of all the girly and feminine stuff my mom forced on me and was the reason I continued drawing and writing. I'm going to be 20 this July, and I thought it would be fun if I just talked about how Ninjago affected me and the kind of impact it had on me growing up :'') So I'm gonna talk a bit about that under the cut

Ninjago was one of my first special interests I discovered on my own and I honestly think I have it to thank for me wanting to start drawing and writing. I used to draw in early elementary school and dropped it for awhile for some reason I don't remember, but when I started watching Ninjago and got more into the story, I picked drawing back up and started writing and creating stories again. The stories I made up didn't make a lot of sense, but they helped me cope through a lot of the stuff going on with my family and school, and it really cemented art and writing becoming one of my main coping mechanisms

Along with making me want to continue to create, Ninjago was the first thing that caused me to start to question myself about my gender. I really had no concept of gender identity back then, all I knew was that I didn't feel right and being allowed to watch Ninjago, something viewed as a "boys show," was euphoric. I started to engage in more typically masculine things, wanting boys clothes and shorter hair and I actually started to feel more like myself :') Also I had the WORST gender envy for aged up Lloyd Garmadon and I never realized it until like a month ago, so these stupid little lego ninjas are the reason I'm trans. Say "thank you Ninjago" 💕💕

Back then I had pretty much no friends and everything I did and created was for myself and only myself, and while that was perfectly okay, I did feel incredibly lonely like 80% of the time :')) Deciding to rewatch Ninjago during quarantine was one of the best things I could have done, because not only did I reopen the holy grail of hyperfixations and see where the series continued after I stopped watching in 6th grade, but I also got my friends into it and was able to talk about enjoy the show with them!

That's kind of what this drawing represents, me being 10 and alone and becoming completely entranced by a show for the very first time, and now me being almost 20 and introducing one of my favorite things to my friends and them being interested and supportive of it :'> Also just unsuspecting baby me watching something and being completely unaware of how much of an impact it would have on like my ENTIRE life

I know it seems kind of silly to feel this much about a dumb little lego show for kids, but Ninjago really does mean a lot to me and I'm not sure where or who I would be right now if I had never seen it back in 2011. I think no matter how old I get, Ninjago will always be something I hold close to my heart. It's gotten me through a lot of hard times and knowing me, it will continue to get me through hard times

Also to commemorate 10 years of Ninjago,, I think it would be nice to share some of my old ninjago art (´-﹏-`；) I used to have a lot more, but a lot of it was destroyed when I moved houses back in middle school. I have never shared these outside of my groupchat so please don't laugh too hard at me, but heres a look at the kind of things Ninjago sparked in baby me's creative mind

An out of context comic page from a Warrior Cats crossover I had created (my OC Greentail was originally Lloyd wayyy back when and I will never let myself live that down) I think I was 10 or 11 when I drew this

Ohmygod,, I actually don't remember much of the context of this? I think it was an OC story I was creating that also just happened to feature the ninja because I did that A LOT- So this is Kai and one of my very old and forgotten OCs arguing over something, I was probably like 11 or 12 when this was drawn

And two OCs I never did anything with, which is kind of shame :''') I was 13 when this was drawn

So yeah,, Ninjago means a lot to me and it has since it first aired :'D I'm looking forward to seeing where the show will continue in the future

[twowivestwoknives]

album thing, uhhh how about the black parade??

this is the right question lets fucking goooooo

TBP best to worst imho

1. House of Wolves

this song sounds like fucking in hell and it absolutely slaughters every other song on the album. no question. plus the knowledge that franks guitar part, and by extension the whole song, was inspired by wyle E coyote's brethren playing jazz in cartoon hell is just *chefs kiss*

2. Mama

This song goes so hard. Only second bc HoW knows when to restrain itself and Mama never got that memo. She fucks. Bonus points for teaching 11yo me what “coddle” meant.

3. Sleep

One of ironically the most slept on MCR songs. Also one of the most emotional. Also...who the fuck thinks to warp a recording of them talking about their night terrors in a way that elicits empathy and melancholia instead of horror? Shit is genius. Also the crescendo at the end fucks me up every time.

4. Famous Last Words

I feel like this song gets brushed aside bc it was a release and/or bc like 90% of MCR tattoos quote this song. But it’s a rally cry song for a reason and musically/lyrically one of the most mature songs on the album I’d say. It’s fucking beautiful. 

5. Dead!

This was my first favourite song off the album when I got it and it’s still suuuper solid. It’s fun as fuck and really embodies the camp MCR is known for. Also a fun turn-around on the messages sent to mentally ill kids. How u gonna tell us to kill ourselves if you’re dead? Haha. Oh nobody likes me? You never fell in love. Very fun and cathardic. Also rays woody-woodpecker guitar solo cracks me up

6. Teenagers

This song is so fucking fun and honestly? Teens need more songs like this. I truly didn’t know the power I had as a kid until this song came out and more adults should own up lol. Plus it’s just a fucking banger.

7. The Sharpest Lives

Lyrically this song is so fucking intense and really shows off gerard’s poetic prowess. also letting mikey shineeee on that bass for a minute. only this far down the list because i feel like this and TIHWD are lowkey kind of the same song done differently. Sister songs easily. Fun fact I sang this song at the talent show for my “girls go” group in 6th grade. The leaders were........concerned lol.

8. The End.

Great opening song, just a bit understated for my taste. Makes perfect sense in that it’s a concept album and this is the introduction, you don’t wanna give it all away. It’s transition into Dead! though? Fucking perfect.

9. Blood

It’s just fucking funny and great satire. Also absolutely what me and my friends sang in the halls of our elementary school to scare people. Music video brings it down significantly. It’s funny but also just fucking weird get out of that locker room.

10. Disenchanted

I actually really liked this song when the album first came out. I know it’s like a signature Sad Boy song but I’d never heard someone talk so willingly about going to hospital or substance reliance before and it was Super Relevant. Could be more...just more, though. You know? It’s got potential.

11. This is How I Disappear

It’s a good song but it’s The Sharpest Lives with a less impressive chorus. Come on, gerard, i know you’re a better lyricist than that. Still fun to headbang to though.

12. Welcome to the Black Parade

Honestly it’s not the quality of the song that has it down here, it’s a musically awe-some song, Lyrically? Beautiful. It’s a fucking masterpiece. I just have heard it so many fucking times and done it on kareoke so many times that im tired of it. Listening to the same album for 14 years, youre gonna go dry on some of the songs. I also feel like the ~amazing~ ness of WTTBP often overshadows some of the other equally complex and amazing songs on the album like HoW and Mama.

13. Cancer

Beautiful song, but if you’re gonna go full ballad on an album full of bangers, you gotta bring it right down to basics. Just piano and vocals or something, maybeee a bass. As it stands, it clouds the song too much. Also just...not the kind of ballad that’s my thing, and that’s okay.

14. I Don’t Love You

I doubt this is a controversial opinion. Lyrics are weaker, though there a few punchy lines. It feels like the rest of the songs got worked through a million times over and this one only got 1000 times. Plus, it’s the inadvertant blackface in the music video for me. smfh.

[quokkalatte]

I havent posted on here for awhile but I wanted to talk ab something that's been on my mind recently and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. And it comes to supporting a friend, when they tell you they have a crush on someone.

When your friend approaches you, whether it be through text, face time, or face to face, and they tell you that they have a crush on someone, you want to be supportive right? You want to tell them "ooo ask them out then!" Or something along those lines. And if they get nervous about it, and are scared that their crush will reject them, do not say "what's the worst that could happen? Theyll reject you?"

Becuase yes. Rejection IS a worst case scenario. It might not seem big. Your crush not liking you back, so you pick yourself up and move on. Or at least that's how some people would view it. But the thing is, if you dont know a person's history when it comes to romantic interest, saying something like that can be damaging.

As I've grown up, and developed crushes on people, and when I would confide in friends, that's normally how the conversation would go. They get giddy and excited, and tell me I should ask them out. And that was okay, but over time, it wasnt. Because every. Single. Time. I would get rejected. My first crush on a boy was in elementary school. And ever since two months ago, every time I told a boy I liked them, they would reject me, often in a cruel manner.

When a freind of mine would say "the worst they can do is reject you" I would get this feeling in my stomach, and I would always think "exactly. That's the exact WORST thing that could happen. Becuase rejection hurts, and it affects others differently.

There are those who can just pick themselves up and move on. No harm no foul. But for people like me, those experiences stick to you and morph you.

Hitting Middle school, the rejection got worse. I had three small crushes in the span of three years. And every single one had found out. When I told them, they looked at me funny, and would leave to their group of freinds. And they would tease me. And laugh at me becuase I was different. I wasnt the skinny pretty little girls like the others in my class. And it was around that time I'd realised that. After the first two, there was a third. This experience is probably where alot of my issues resolved. And it was only 6th grade.

I didnt even tell him that I'd liked him, a classmate found out and told him during recess. We were waiting in line to go back inside for class, and the school I went to we had uniforms. Mine always fir tightly becuase I was bigger than most of the girls in my class. I remember I was wearing my favorite blue jacket and the khaki pants we were required to wear. When the classmate ran over to the boy I'd liked, he'd pointed at me and told him. The boy turned and looked at me, and got the most disgusted look on his face, and shouted "EW!" Before walking away. I proceeded to get upset. The classmate approached me, and in a pitting manner told me he didnt think that my crush would react that way. The girls I were freinds with said horrid things about the boy I'd liked, but the only thing that I could think of was the look of disgust on his face at the simple thought that I'd had a crush on him.

And it stuck with me. It still does. Containing through high school I became more reserved when it came to the guys I liked. I never told my friends who my crushes were, and when they outed me about it, that's all they wanted for me to do was to tell him. Tell him becuase what's the worst that could happen? He could reject me?? Yes. Becuase in my mind, I was ugly. I was undeserved of every having a boyfriend. And I was convinced I would never have one. I would look in the mirror and loath what I saw. I hated how I looked becuase all I could see were what they saw. I wore hoodies all the time even in hot weather so that I could cover my arms. I didnt want any of me showing. I wouldnt wear shorts becuase I hated how big my legs were. I held so much self loathing for myself, I wouldnt look in a mirror for longer than I had to.

That had gone on for years. I've hated myself for years becuase of judgment. Because I feared what people thought of me. It didnt just extend to what I thought the boys thought, but everyone thought. I hated attention being attracted to me, and my social anxiety got worse. Anything that brought attention to me would make my heart pound and my palms sweaty and my head buzzing with a hundred thoughts that made it so difficult to function.

It was only recently in the past couple years I've been able to accept myself. And I'm still very far off. And it might sound dumb or cliche, but the only reason that sparked this, was kpop. My friend introduced me to BTS, and I got invested in them. I loved them. I loved these 7 boys, who radiated such happiness and positivity. Their concept of loving yourself for who you are, and that the closest to you would do the same, those words meant alot to me. They helped me when I was anxious. Their music was, and still is, so soothing to me.

In my Senior year of high school I was taking my health elective, and we were learning about the BMI and to test what ours was. I refuse to share what my results were, but they werent healthy. As the teacher droned on about the topic, I sat in the back of the class quietly crying and trying to get myself to stop but I couldnt, and I felt a panic attack coming on, and I was scared that I would bring attention to myself, so I needed to distract myself from it, and I plugged my earbuds in and pulled up a BTS video. It was just a 2 minute video of Jimin laughing, and that was enough. I calmed down enough to collect myself, and I stopped crying.

Two years later I'm still not perfect. I still have a very toxic mentality of myself, and I can accept that I might need help, more than what KPOP groups can give me. They did give me the tiniest of nudges to help me, and I am very grateful.

I've told you what you shouldnt say to someone when they tell you that they have a crush on someone, so here's what you COULD say.

Your friend is worried, that their crush might reject them. You can offer your support.

"I'm here for you. I hope it works out, and I'm sure it will. And if not, I'll be here to help you"

"I understand you're scared, I see why you are. You dont have to tell them unless you're ready. I'm in your corner if you need me"

Motivate your friend in a good way. Dont pressure them into it, becuase it can make them anxious and stressed because they feel like they HAVE to tell their crush, and it makes it worse on them. Encourage your freind to get to know their crush. Tiny things, speaking to them. And if their scared about that, reassurance will help them. Offering advice and tips on what they could say and do will help them.

This is my last personal story to pair with this. I developed a crush on a guy. We met through a mutual freind, one who happens to be a very good friend of mine. I got his snapchat, and since then we've talked every day since. I didnt realise that I'd had feeling for him until a month into just chatting, and I started to wonder if he felt the same. The select few people i told all told me that it was possible, and they believed that all the signs he gave me were pointing towards yes, he did like me. I was still unsure, so very unsure.

My best friend is who helped me the most. I told him about a week after I found out my crush on this boy, and he was immediately supportive. He never once said to me "worst case scenario he rejects you". He told me o should talk to him more, get to know this boy and see what happened. My feelings became stronger every passing day. This boy made me so happy, and he was unlike any of my past crushes. I was so used to the guys I liked wanted nothing to do with me, or if they actually DID, it wasnt becuase of me, but because they wanted nudes. The few experiences I'd had with guys before this boy were awful. I had been talking to a guy but all he cared about was sex and nothing else and ignored me for a month, and then proceeded to ask for nudes becuase he was horny. It was very damaging for my mental state, and I was in a rough place. Id cried to my best freind, begging for him to tell me what was wrong with me. Why boys didnt reciprocate my feelings, and when they showed even the slightest of interest it was because they were horny. I felt like I would never find anyone ever.

I was scared, after developing feeling on this boy. I told my freind the same stories I've shared here. How I was terrified of being rejected. Becuase I'd gotten to know this boy and felt more for him than what freinds normally would. My best friend was so supportive, he stood by me when I would get anxious and when I would tell him my fears and doubts.

It took me 3 weeks to gett the courage to tell this boy that I liked him. The day I told him my nerves were shot, my palms were slick, but I did it. I confessed to this boy that I liked him. Funny enough, it was through a meme. It said that "I might have a big fat crush on you but I'm scared to say anything" my nerves were on fire my body was numb. It might sound like an exaggeration but this was how I was feeling. I was texting all three of my supportive freinds at once. My best freind was the first to know, he was with me through the entire time I talked to my crush. My crush had asked why I was scared to tell him, and I'd told him that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable becusse we'd grown close in the time we were talking. He reassured me that I couldnt make him uncomfortable. I'd asked how he felt about me. At this point my heart was in my throat. I watched the icon that showed he was typing and I was ready, I was ready for him to reject me, like all the boys had done before.

But he told me he felt the same. He didnt reject me. He was worried becuase we live so far apart from each other, and we werent sure how long distance would do for us, and how Covid19 would take into play. But I'd said I was up to try if he was, and he was too.

That was two months ago as of writing this. But if it wasnt for my best friend being so supportive of me, I dont think I could ever have told my boyfriend that I liked him. Even now, the concept is foreign to me. My trauma is still apparent becuase I cannot fathom how someone as amazing as him likes me back, after years of getting rejected and my mental health being damaged by the countless teasing. The first time he called me beautiful, I broke down and cried, because it felt too good to be true.

I'm sharing this, I'm sharing my experiences becuase i wanted to help people know how they could help a friend who might share similar experiences with me, get through the fear of rejection. Telling someone their worst case scenario doesnt help ease their worries. But offering your support, and reassuring them that it would be okay and that you will be there for them will.

Rejection is a part of life, and its something you cannot really control. But if the right words can help you get over your fear of it, then it does help ease the pain.

I'm not saying that all my past friends who told me rejection was my worst case scenario were trying to be malicious, they just wanted me to be happy and were excited for me. I understand that.

And if you ever were that friend who said that, it doesnt make you a bad friend. You were trying to help in your own way. But this may help for future interactions, or at least I hope it will.

You dont always know the experiences that your freinds go through, but being there and supporting them through their fears will help them, and give then confidence.

My best freind has supported me through so much, and it was him who helped me overcome one of my biggest fears.

I hope you found this extremely long PSA to be helpful and I hope I explained myself the best I could. If something is unclear to you please tell me I want to help everyone I can, because I beleive you all deserve to be happy.

And no of course you dont need a partner to be happy. You can be strong and independent in your own way and find your happiness there.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Why did you last feel like crying? This past weekend I was just extra moody and on the verge of tears.

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? I get easily irritated and frustrated, but it’s been awhile since I’ve felt infuriated.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? My emotions got control over me a few years ago and I haven’t been able to gain it back. :/

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? Yes.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? I wouldn’t want friends who did that. I do that enough myself as it is, I don’t need anyone else pointing out all my negative qualities all the time.

What quality do you think you have that others don’t think you do? I don’t know. I feel like people in my life overestimate my abilities rather than the other way around. I feel a lot of pressure to maintain that illusion. <<< Same in regards to feeling like people overestimate my abilities. Although, in terms of the long list of negative qualities I believe I have, my loved ones would disagree on a lot of them.

Do you often “jump” to conclusions? Yeppp. Always the worst ones, too.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? It could be scary depending on the situation, but I’d definitely feel anxious and uncomfortable.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? There’s a lot more I don’t know.

Do you know first aid?   No. 

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? Y Yes. It makes me feel weak. I can’t even look when having blood drawn and getting it done makes me sweaty and weak.

Does your first name have an L in it? Nope.

Middle name have a C in it? Nope.

Last name have a R in it? Yes.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what?  Nope. The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? 

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? Nope alternative?

Do you like Kings of Leon? Yeah. I loved when Sex on Fire first came out.

How about The Script? Yes.

Does crying make you feel better? Sometimes.

Do you know a girl called Becca? Nope.

How about a guy called Gregory? No.

Does someones background effect whether you’ll be friends with them or not Uh, well yeah. Like if they have a sketchy background or have done things I’m not comfortable with.

How about their religious background? I’d have a problem with a satanist or if they were involved in a cult.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? That would likely make things complicated, but I guess it would depend on the situation. Although, you’re likely just getting their side of it and it may not be accurate or they’re leaving things out that paint them in a better light than their ex. It would just really, really depend on the situation and it’d take a lot of communication.

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? Coffee, yes.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? No.

How about a fashion designer? No.

Do you wish that magic was real? I mean sure it’d be dope to make something you want appear or happen whenever you want. It could also be tricky, though, and used for the wrong reasons.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? I’m picky, so there’s a lot of foods I don’t like, but plenty of other people enjoy them so I’m not going to wipe it off the earth just cause I don’t like it.

Can you use a bottle opener? Yeah...

Do you own a cheese grater? Nope.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? 4:26AM.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? May 25th. Damn.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? Y Yep. I had a fish tank full of fish as a kid.

Do you prefer fire or ice? Fire in terms of bonfires and in a fireplace for the comfy, coziness of it and I love the smell of it during the fall. I don’t use ice in my drinks, so, not a big fan.

Do you rap along with rap songs? Ha, well my attempt to rap along.

When happy, do you become more talkative? Yeah.

Bowling or sailing? Why? Bowling I guess if I had to pick out of the two. Have no interest in either one, though.

What colour is your kettle? I don’t have one.

How about your microwave? Black.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? Front.

How about in a train? On the bus? I’ve always had to sit in the middle on buses cause that’s where the wheelchair spots are.

Do you care about politics? I admit that I really haven’t been following closely these past few years. I used to pay more attention, but I just... can’t. It’s too much.

Obama or Bush?

Blair or Brown?

When did you last cook something from scratch? I don’t cook from scratch. The only cooking I do is packaged ramen.

What things make you jealous? Im rarely jealous. <<< Same. I feel envy more than jealousy.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right?  I am confused as to why it’s okay certain curse words but not others. And I really don’t get why in “asshole” just the “hole” part is bleeped out lol. Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above?  Right now I’m just sleepy.

What’s your Mum’s Mum called? How about your Dad’s Dad? Lupe/Charles. 

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? Waffles and crepes.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? I think we have some.

How about chicken nuggets? Not chicken nuggets, but my brother has a bag of chicken wings.

Do you eat fish often? Never. I hate seafood. <<<< Saaaame.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? Nope.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? I can’t imagine anyone being afraid of me, a stick thin, super shy, and awkward af girl. haha.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? I wouldn’t mess around with bring people back from the dead. I believe I’ll see them again one day.

Do you like watermelon? Yeah. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had any, though.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? October. I remember that because it happened at my high school drama department’s haunted house. 

Do you make friends easily? No. I also don’t try to to be honest.

What makes you different from everyone else? DNA <<< Hahaha welp that most certainly does.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? I’d do random doodles and write random words in cursive cause that’s what I do when I doodle.

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? Is that like the living room? If so, we have a few framed photos on the shelves we have.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? Sure.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? No.

I say purple, you think… It’s my mom’s favorite color.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Nothing.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? They’re nice, I’m just super awkward.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? Nope. I’m so opposite of how a Leo is described.

Do you have a photo album? Yeah, several old photo albums (physical ones) and several on Facebook and my phone.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? I don’t necessarily go for beauty in art. My favourite painters are Dali, Kandinsky, and Klimt. Weird over beauty for me. <<< That’s how I am. One of my favorites is The Scream by Edvard Munch. I like the melting clocks one by Dali, too.

What about the most disturbing? Hmm. There’s definitely paintings I’ve seen that I thought were disturbing, but of course I can’t think of a specific one at the moment.

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? I’ve been to two camps: science camp and Girl Scout camp. I also had to do summer school once in the 6th grade cause I missed a lot of school due to spending months in the hospital and at home after having surgery. I voluntarily took a few summer classes in college.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? A lot of the stuff that was on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, PBS, WB Kids, and Saturday morning cartoons on ABC.

What was your biggest fear as a child? Bugs.

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Fly.

What about invisibility or mindreading? Invisibility.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Nopeee.

Can you remember all your past teachers names? Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? I enjoyed when we had talent show assemblies in elementary school. Those were fun.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? Yes, in math.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? Just about everyone is taller than me.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? Wow, absolutely not. I don’t think I’m better than anyone.

What’s your favourite thing about your country? We have our issues and I know other countries make fun of us, but we have a lot of good qualities and I like where I’m from.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? I don’t go on there.

What websites do you have bookmarked? The ones on the toolbar are Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Pinterest, and a couple PDFs from Bible studies.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? Yeah. I love wrapping presents and making them look all nice and pretty.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? We like a lot of the same, yeah. Especially my mom and I.

What TV show scared you as a kid? Are You Afraid of the Dark haha but I also loved to watch it. That intro is what really got me. Oh, and Unsolved Mysteries. That was a show about real life mysteries and murders and such. 

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? Out of the three I’d pick Family Guy, but I’m not into any of them. My family loves Family Guy so I see parts of episodes here and there all the time and I’m familiar with it. Sometimes it’ll give me a little chuckle.

[thisartemisnevermisses]

Suburban Life 7/-

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warning: extra warning for this chapter, there is talk about suicide and harassment, angst, fluff, death, drama, comforting, sad reader, slow burn.

Summary: Steve had his daily run every morning. While running through the streets he noticeds a house with it’s lights on. A woman is dancing to the music, while making breakfast. Two childeren join her and they start eating. Steve is fasinated with the life of this little family and even stops to withniss this suburbane life every morning during his run. Feeling the need to settle down and the one question remaining Where is the man beloning tot this family?

A/N: Thanks for the likes and comments. In this chapter the past of your is revealed. The reason of your husbands death, may be a heavy subject. I know what I’m talking about, so don’t think, that I think about it lightly. As a mather off fact, it happened in our organisation 4 years ago. This is the last chapter to complete your past, as from now on we will heading to a major fluff. Enjoy this chapter, and let me know what you think!

Chapter 07: Past and Present

After that first morning, it was normal for Steve to show up and join your family for breakfast. For almost 3 weeks straight he was greeted with Alex or Isobel opening the door for him. He new that they took turns opening the door for him, but at some point he felt disapointed that you never opened the door for him. He would always walk in and see you busy in the kitchen. It took some time, but after a few time he started to help you out. Sometimes he played a game with Alex and Isobel, other days he stood next to you helping preparing breakfast. You would talk about the things you had planned for that day. At some point Steve went into the study and came out with a book, questioningly looking at you. “Are you a teacher?” Steve asked amused, a big smile upon his face.

“Yes, whats wrong with that. Why are you smiling like crazy?” you asked, starting to smile yourself. “Oh, nothing, just thinking about you as a teacher.” He snickered. “would you cut it out. Like you’re a big shot, Captain America.” You tease him trying to imitate his voice, but fail miserably. Both of you start to laugh, earning looks from Alex and Isobel. Not noticing the glaze the children give each other.

“So, anything special planned for today?” Steve asks while mixing his yoghurt. “Mom finally agreed to a movie night.” Isobel answered overexcited. “It took her long enough, right mom.” Isobel nutged you in the side. “He, no fair. You both didn’t ask for it, so I thought you didn’t want to.” pouting the best way you could. “Mommy, can Captain America come to.” Alex looked at you mimicking your pout. “Alex, I think Steve has other plans and beside watching a kidsmovie isn’t very interesting.” Earning gasps from Alex and Isobel.

Steve shuckled a little, while eating his breakfast. “Actually, I have no plans for tonight. So, If I’m welcome, I would love to watch….” He eyes Alex, hoping he would name a movie..”Eight Below.” Alex shouts looking at you. “Sure, why not.” You sigh, you’ve watched this movie countless times. “Steve, please don’t feel obligated and don't reschedule appointment.” Looking at Steve, his smile widening, “I really have nothing to do tonight. So what time, should I be here?” he ask, stiffling his laugh.

At 7 o’clock sharp there was a knock on your door. You opened the door, welcoming Steve back. He stood there, his eyes shining, big smile upon his face, a big bag of gummy worms (on recommendations from Tony) in one hand and a bouquet of flowers for you. “Good evening, Captain Rogers.” you say politely, trying not to snicker, gesturing for him to step inside. “Alex, Isobel, you’ve got company.” shouting, with loud noise both children run towards Steve, being the little energy balls they are, they jump around him and take him to the living room. You mouth a sorry towards him, you get is a big smile and a nod from him. When Steve enters the living room, he’s met with an overload of cosiness. There are snacks on the table, the lights are dimmed and there are pillows laying on the ground. He looks at you, “What?” you ask “Nothing special for you, we always do it like this.” You shrug.

Steve settles himself on the left, Alex decided to sit next to him. Incing every second closer, until he is rested against his back. Glazing at Steve, he smiles lovingly at the move Alex makes. Whispering something in his ears, makes Ales smile and settle completely in his lap. Your heart warms at the sight before you, your house felt for the first time like a home. He made that possible, he was the one giving you a hand and taking you out of the storm you were in. He gave you hope and realisation you weren’t you, but a robot. Staring at the person opposite of you, you feel so grateful for having this stranger come in your life. Steve catches you staring at him, once you meet his eyes he smiles back at you. A soft thank you, leaves your lips. Maybe tonight was a good time to tell him your whole story.

At some point during the movie, Steve and you started to exchange glances at each other. All of you were sitting on the ground, each of you had one arm leaning on the couch. Steve had shifted, so that his hand was touching your had. While watching the movie, both of you took turns in caressings the others hand. You felt like a teenager again, sneaking around. For your feeling the movie is over too quickly.

“Well, that was a nice movie…” you start but Steve interrupts you. He points towards an already sleeping Alex in his lap. “Would you mind, carrying him upstairs.” you whisper. Taking Alex in his arms, Steve stands up and brings Alex to his bedroom. You follow with Isobel. Once she has her pj’s on and brushed her teeth, you sit down on her bed.

"Mom, I'm okay with it. If you want to date Captain America, you can. I know you're not replacing dad. You should have a chance at love, even if dad was your epic love. Seeing you smile today made me happy. If he's the one making you smile again, I think dad would approve of it.” Isobel wipes away a tear, she looks at you, still dumbfounded by the kind words your 8 year old just spoke. "Honey, why do you grow up so fast, but I don't have those feelings for Steve, Captain Rogers.” Taking Isboel’s hands in yours. “Yeah, right. I've seen the way you look at him. You looked at dad the same way." Isobel snickered. “You little…death by tickling!” you attack Isobel and start tickling her, a joyfull laugh escaping her lips. It warmed your heart hearing her laugh like that. For almost 3 years, she didn't laugh so heartfully. It felt like everything was falling into place and you're allowed happiness again. Isobel stopped laughing when she saw Steve leaning against the doorway. His arms crossed and a wide smile upon his face. How he loved to see you smile, happy without worries. It felt so natural, as if it had never been different. It felt like this was his family, his home. It frightened him, he was feeling all those feelings for you, mostly admiration…..love and dare he to say it longing. Your kids had taken a place in his heart so quickly. He was afriad that his heart would shatter if he wasn’t welcome anymore.

 "Steve you okay." you ask concerned. Pain and confusion all over Steve's face. "Steve..." you saying his name again, snaps him out of his thoughts. “huh, yeah I’m fine.” He quickly replies not looking at you. “I was just thinking about something.” He adds to his answer, clearing his throat, standing straight. “Goodnight, little lady. Sweet dreams Isobel.” Steve smiles. “Goodnight, Captain..Steve.” She smiles back, laying down so you can tuck her in. “Goodnight, sweety, sleep tight.” You walk towards the door, Steve’s still standing there, you stand next to him. “You two look good together…” Isobel murmurs while drifting off to sleep. Creating a blush on both your cheeks, both of you avoiding eyecontact for the moment. Walking past Alex’s door you see him sleeping holding his Captain America doll tight. “Goodnight, little bugg.” You whisper, closing the door slightly. All this time Steve walks behind you, trying to memorize every line of your face. If only he could make you feel this way all the time. Make the pain go away. Spending all those mornings with your family and this evening were a gifts. Memories he would cherish and never let go of them. He dreaded the day that he would have to go on a mission. Hopefully he could inform you or leave you at least a note. Steve was staring at you, again in his own world, not registering the hand you’re waving in front of him. Blinking a few times, he looks guilty at you, you’ve caught him staring into the distance. You walk towards the stairs, “Let’s go, Captain Rogers, I will tell you our story.” a small smile upon your mouth.

Downstairs you walk into the kitchen. “Well Steve, time for the hard stuff, want a beer?” you ask pulling the fridge open.

“Sure, sounds good.” he smiles, observing how you glide through the kitchen. “Come on, Captain.” Grabbing the two bottles of beer, you walk towards the couch, gesturing for Steve to follow you.

Both of you sit on the couch, turning towards each other. “I will ask you one more time, are you sure you want to hear the whole story?” looking at Steve, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. Taking a large sip of his beer, he looks determined at you. "Yes, I'm sure. I want to know what causing you so much pain." Looking you straight in the eyes, taking your hand with his free one. Exhaling out heavy "Well, here it goes. My husband was a teacher too, he worked at an elementary school. He taught 6th grade. He was an upbeat person, always jocking around, sometimes even flirting. But I knew it was all talk, nothing there. I always teased him, and asked if he wanted to trade me for two of my age.” You shukkle slighty, stopping when you see the concern in Steve’s eyes. “Don't worry, i got used to his way of interacting with others. I wasn't insecure about our marriage. I knew he would always come home. I trusted him with my life.” swallowing thick, taking a sip from your beer. “Don’t look at me that way, I wasn’t the lonely wife who waited at home for her husband to come back. That wasn't the kind of relationship we had. We trust each other and knew we were faithful. Until that day, that day our whole world shattered and started making cracks in my faith in him.”

Steve silently listening to what you're telling, looking at your face, trying to read every expression and emotion of you. His thumb is rubbing the back of your hand, tightening his grip sometimes.

“He was asked to visit the principal office. There he was confronted with an letter that other staff members has written. He was accused of sexual intimidation and unacceptable behaviour. As off that point he was suspended and sent home until further notice. Within a week he was invited by an external office which was tasked with the investigation in all accusations against my husband.” you stop talking for a moment, not wanting to look at Steve, the tears forming in your eyes. It had broken your family, you couldnt’ eat or sleep, neither would your husband. You had endless conversations with him, trying to figure out who it could be and what went wrong. Cracks started to appear in your relationship, at some point you even started to doubt your husband.

Clearing your throat you continue, ”It was a very long investigation. It took 3 months to speak with every person on the school, another 2 months to form the statement. The last month was hell on earth. My husband was confronted with the accuser. It devastated him, that confrontation stripped my husband from his humanity. From that point on, he was cold, agitated, couldn’t spend time with the kids without screaming at them. I lost him after that confrontation. At that moment we stopped being husband and wife. He stopped loving me. Two days before the results were announced, he took his own life. He jumped in front of the train. Seeing no other way, assuming the results weren’t in his favor, deciding we were better of without him.” wiping away the tears that were on your cheeks. After three years it still hurt, you still remember how coldhearted he was. The way your love making, turned into something quick and raw sex. “He couldn’t take it any longer Steve, it fucked him up in so many ways. If he had hold on a little bit longer, we would have started somewhere new and forget all that shit. Pardon my language.” You say taking a sip from your beer.

“What did the report say. Was it in his favor?” Steve asks, looking at you, it was hard to read you. You tried to control your emotions, telling the heavy part of your story. When you started to explain what the investigation brought, he had entwined his fingers with yours. It was the closest he dared to be with you at this moment.  

“Yes, it was. His coworkers all made declarations in his favor. And the woman that had accused him, has done this to two other men at two different school. So she was charged and convicted with defamation. Unfortunately it was to late for my husband. After we buried him. Our families made clear they wanted nothing to do with us anymore, so we moved to New York to start a new life. Accept being two persons in one, gives me little time for relaxing or making friends. So we lived the past 3 years in solitary.” Finishing your beer in one take, looking at Steve for a moment trying to estimate his reaction.

With a soft pull, he lets you fall into him. He hugs you tight, while you lean into his warm embrace. When you move, Steve lets you go, you whisper a small no and adjusting your position between his arms. “y/n,..” Steve whispers into your ear, his warm breath tickling your neck. “Ssss…Steve. Just hold me…It’s been a long time, since someone held me.” you say, savouring the moment. "I held you recently.." Steve smiles at you, slightly shuckling. "Oh, did you.." replying playfully, locking eyes with him. This moment was perfect, you could stay this way for a long time. It made you feel warm and wanted, something you didn’t feel for a long time. Steve evoked feelings in you, you thought were gone, just as your husband. For a moment Steve felt brave and cupped your face with his hand. He looks you deep in the eyes and kisses you.

[ofkelsi]

[ natalia dyer, twenty-three, cisfemale, she/her ] ━ did y'all see [ kelsi phillips ] walkin’ into [ galaxy drive in? ] they’ve lived in frostford for [ twenty years, ] and you can catch ‘em around town working as a [ kindergarten teacher ]. I reckon they’re pretty [ benevolent & nurturing ] but I hear they can also be kinda [ impatient & rambunctious. ] if ya see ‘em around, be sure to say hi. ━  [ car accident, nightmares. ]

CHILDHOOD years -- 

kelsi anne phillips was born on october 31st 1995 to faye allen and seth phillips.  seth was born and raised in frostford until he turned seven and his dad got a job out of state in texas--which happened to be a great move because he met faye at their new church.  

best friends since they met, faye and seth finished high school and moved to college station, texas where they both attended texas a&m university.  faye had taken a year off before going to college to be with their newborn baby girl and get their apartment all settled.  

kelsi anne spent the beginning of her childhood either in a classroom where her mama was learning or at the old woman next door’s apartment while both her parents were at class or at their jobs.  she doesn’t remember much from these years, but the smell of snickerdoodles always remind her of baking with the woman next door.  

( CAR ACCIDENT TW ) when she was three going on four, her parents and her were in the car on the way back to houston to visit their parents when tragedy struck.  their car was hit head on by someone who ran a red light.  young kelsi suffered minor scarring and a wrist fracture, but both of her parents died due to injuries from the collision.  ( END TW )

custody of kelsi was given to seth’s parents ( susanna & darwin phillips ) as her mother’s parents ( elaine & sean allen ) were still raising three children of their own ( her aunts & uncle -- the youngest of which is three years older than kelsi ).  soon after, the phillips’ moved back to frostford with their granddaughter.  -- kelsi kept in touch with her mother’s parents over the years and often visited them on major holidays with her grandparents.  

the first few months were rough, however the next year once kelsi started kindergarten things opened up.  she was a pretty happy kid.  i’d describe her as that kid who hated seeing people upset and would do something to see them smile.  like go to the flower shop and pick up a flower for them and leave it anonymously on their locker the next day just bc she wanted to see people happy.  

was a sporty kid, played softball and soccer.  she was on teams in elementary school, except once it got more competitive her grandmother had to talk her out of going out for the team.  

kelsi is very competitive and like even at a young age was that #alot to handle.  like, she still needs to check herself even playing board games because she will like get all amped up and ready to go.  

oftentimes she was told to sit still in class.  would be found tapping her foot on the floor or clicking her pen.  she’s just antsy and needs to fidget a lot of the time.  she’s gotten better at that ( once again, it has to do with being older ) but she never uses pens with caps just because she prefers the clicky pens.  

TEENAGE years -- 

once she got into middle school kelsi was focusing more on academics.  she’d always been good with school work, but her focus was always popping into several different places.  she’d often be found reading outside books in classes or working on the nights homework at her desk.  

she also started becoming more and more opinionated around these years as well ( late middle school - high school ).  kelsi isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand up for herself or others.  

once punched lance mccallum in the face after he grabbed her ass during the party homecoming weekend her freshman year of high school.  except, most people only remember the fact that she punched him, not what led up to it.  

involved in peer tutoring programs throughout high school.  it was also a way to help her make money once she got old enough to do it outside of the after school program.  

part of me says she gives off student body president vibes but i also know she would not cope well with that pressure because she’d want to please everybody and know it’s not possible.  so she was probably just like one of those popular smart kids.  

was part of a lot of after school activities, simply because she liked being busy.  but she’s also restless so sometimes she’d leave meetings for the clubs in the middle of it.  it was nothing personal, she just needed to be up and on her feet doing something else with her attention span.  but she always apologized after the fact.  

( NIGHTMARE TW ) she started having really bad nightmares around the middle of high school.  she’d always had nightmares, bad ones, even as a kid but for some reason they got worse over the years and several times in high school she woke her grandparents up with her nightmares.  which she always felt guilty about but they always told her it wasn’t an issue.  ( END TW )

CURRENT(ISH) years -- 

kelsi was really torn about going away to college or going somewhere close to home.  in the end, her choice was made for her based on the program she wanted and she went to ‘bama to pursue childhood education.  

she wound up commuting a lot of weekends and coming home often, so it wasn’t even like she was really gone.  there was a gap during her sophomore/junior year where she wasn’t home a bunch and that would be due to her breakup with her then boyfriend.  she just didn’t want to be around town as much and see him around.  ofc, she got over that and has since powered through ( i mean, she’s back here obviously ). 

kelsi went for a five year program, immediately going to graduate school after her college graduation in order to get her teaching certificate.  she’s certified in early childhood/childhood education  ( pre-k through 6th grade ).  

during college kelsi was living in an apartment with a couple of friends, splitting the rent on the place a couple of ways was easier.  plus, she had tried living on campus her first semester and had an awful experience so she made some friends and wound up living with them the rest of her time there.  

she’s got her first teaching job this year at the elementary school.  she taught before, but as a co-teacher while she was going to grad school.  this is her first year in charge of her own classroom and she’s excited as heck to be working with kindergartners.  she loves those tiny tots so freakin much!  

her favorite place has always been the drive in, just bc she loves movies a lot.  plus, the drive in is much better than sitting in a movie theater and she will go to the mat on that opinion any day.  

her grandparents retired and moved to a small retirement community/senior center area not too far from town.  and they gave their house to kelsi, since she’s their only grandchild and they could afford to continue paying for the house utilities as well as their new place.  

she’s got a year old mini goldendoodle named smee and he’s the light of her life.  she has a picture of him on her desk in the classroom.  

CONNECTIONS -- 

i do not yet have a connections page for kelsi but here’s some ideas

a best friend/ride or die that they’ve been friends since they were kiddos and they just really *clutches heart* love and support each other in every aspect of life.

maybe some cousins or something from town! i think the phillips fam has been in frostford for a while in my mind, there’s a chance she’s got some fam in town.  

she’s friendly so she’d probably have a lot of good friends and stuff.  

an unlikely duo which would be fun.  it would probably be someone who’s a bit harsher than kelsi is.  she’s got her moments, but she’s an all around happier person so someone who balances her out in that aspect. 

a first kiss/childhood crush maybe?

plots with her coworkers at the elementary/middle school 

friends turned to enemies & enemies turned to friends 

like this or message me for plots okay ily thanks for reading this bye

[scrambledthoughtz]

to be completely honest, sometimes i envy my younger self who was able to starve herself into losing weight. there are times when i look at myself and i wish i still had that type of willpower.

if you really think about, like really think about it, i had the willpower to restrict my diet to the point where i lost a significant amount of weight, and i did it mainly by chewing my food and then spitting it out directly afterwards so that my body wouldn’t sustain the calories. by chewing it, i was still able to partake in a portion of the pleasure that’s usually experienced through eating. i mean, and of course i exercised my ass off. i remember in elementary school (yeah, crazy to think about that my worst phase of my anorexia was in 6th grade, right?), i would run laps around the track during lunch instead of actually eating. i lost enough weight that i wasn’t allowed to exercise bc then i would compulsively exercise and then i would not stop. it’s not until now when i think back to it that i realize how abnormal that was. i remember my family went on a skiing trip to Tahoe, and i stayed home with my mom bc i wasn’t allowed to exercise. lol i remember that christmas vividly. my mom microwaved costco wonton soup (the one with the fucking SALTY broth and with the shrimp wonton that comes in a plastic container) and we sat down and watched the holiday episode of victorious. when the rest of my classmates went to P.E., i sat inside the classroom (i think? this part is honestly kind of fuzzy) with my teacher. either that, or i sat on the benches outside. either way, it must have been awkward. i don’t really remember. now that i think about it, was i not allowed to exercise bc they were worried that it would harm my physiological health or was it to break the habit that i had of running my weight off? 

honestly, sometimes when i think about it, i wonder how different my life would have been if i had been hospitalized. i remember when my mom first took me to the doctor after she suspected that i might be anorexic. i looked into each of the rooms, expecting to see other girls that were as thin as skeletons. i remember thinking, “i don’t belong here. i’m not skinny or ill enough to even be here.” little did i know, as my mom told me later, if i hadn’t immediately gone through the intake process to be a patient there, i would have had to be hospitalized. and she always tells me that she was freaking out bc my dad was on some sort of trip, and she was there alone. crazy. i wish my mom was still here so that i could ask her more about it, now that i’m completely on the other end of that long ass tunnel. now that i think about it, i’m so lucky to have been able to still go to school. i just had to attend a lot of appointments, and follow strict protocol. but i still got to go to school, and i wasn’t hospitalized. wow, it have been REAL fucking hard on my family if i had had to be hospitalized. especially for my siblings -- they would have been fucking traumatized. i honestly really put my sister through the ringer back then, but that’s another story for another time. let’s just say that i am pretty sure that’s the only time when i had un-diagnosed anxiety, like to the point where it could have qualified as a mental illness. i think? i don’t know for sure. 

but anyways. lol it’s ironic having thinking back to all that bc sometimes i would honestly do it again. i mean, not really, but also yeah, really. it’s just crazy to think about that i was able to have that much willpower. granted, it really led me and my family in a downward spiral, but WOW i was really able to do some things that i would not be able to do today. i was 69 pounds in 6th grade. i remember when my P.E. teacher weighed us. i remember looking down at the scale, and thinking that that was normal. it most definitely was not. but even now, i sometimes wish that i still had that type of power over myself. i don’t know what led me to have an eating disorder in the first place, but whatever it was, it must have been powerful. i remember the doctors would always ask me, “why?” it’s like they were asking, “why? you must have had a reason. why did you, as an otherwise healthy 6th grader, decide to starve yourself to this point? was it anxiety? stress? is everything okay at school? how about at home?” my answer was always the same. “school is good, my family is good, no stress, no anxiety, no nothing. i don’t know. i guess someone might have called me fat at some point?” i think i told them that it was my sister. i’m pretty sure she still holds onto that now. i’m sorry, it wasn’t you. i was just grasping at straws to make up a random excuse bc i honest to god could not think of an actual answer. it’s weird. but again, another topic for another time. 

but now, i stress eat. i stress eat so damn much. i even have this fear of feeling hungry in class or at the cafe or library while i’m studying so i bring food bc i don’t want to feel hungry (and i don’t want to spend money lol). the instant i feel those initial hunger pangs, i can’t stop thinking about the food that’s at home. and that’s normal. but sometimes i do wish that i could just ignore those hunger pangs like i’ve been able to in the past, and just skip a meal or stop snacking. boy, do i sometimes wish that i had the willpower to skip a meal on purpose. 

i always tell myself, you’ve done it in the past so you’re more than capable of doing it again. i remember a few months ago, i was 94 pounds and i was so proud. i think that was around the time that i was regularly going to the gym, so that would make sense. but boy, was i so proud that i was a new low. it’s just a number, but i still hold on to that number now (even though it was pretty long ago). i still wish to reach that number. it’s my goal, and i’ve become admittedly obsessive over reaching that low again. but unlike in the past, i haven’t been able to physically act on that. when i’m stressed, i stress eat. i can’t help it.

there’s also a part of me that’s afraid of falling down that hole again. i bought some fiber that i was hoping would help me suppress my appetite, but i’m weary about actually putting it to use. i’m scared of falling down that hole and getting buried to deep, to the point where i can’t get back out. i want to try dipping my toe into those habits again, but i don’t know how to without instantly falling into the hole again. it’s like 0 to 100. it’s like i step on what looks like solid grass, but it’s all soft dirt underneath and i fall right through. plus, my family. i couldn’t do this to them again. even if i kept it a secret, if i got too deep, they would eventually know. i can’t do that to them.

i look at myself in the mirror, and sometimes i like what i see. other times, i see that lower belly fat that has been so stubborn and it has prevented me from being able to wear anything cropped or to be able to tuck in my tops. i want to bad to be able to tuck in my tops, but i fucking hate hate hate that part of my body. i don’t know. there’s more, but i need to start hw lol. until next time i guess.

[missmentelle]

So this is really personal to me and has been affecting me for what feels like forever. When I was in elementary school there was this girl I wanted to be friends with SOOO bad for some reason, eventually I got over that but skip to 6th grade and we became close quick. Someone could’ve easily assumed we had been friends forever. Everyone always said how alike we were and we eventually got to the point of staying at each other’s house every other weekend. (1/3)

Her family meant so much to me, and even though her older sister didn’t like me I looked up to her. When we were in seventh grade, her and her sister went to see Christmas lights with some of their friends and the tire blew on their way home. The driver apparently over corrected, they hit a guardrail, and both my friend and her sister apparently died on impact. This was in 2014 and I still feel so hung up on it. I know I’ve done well of growing without her, but i feel like losing my best friend (who had such a big impact on me even before we were close) so young has affected me more than I’d like to think. All in all I just feel like I don’t know who I am without her, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a junior in highschool now and there are still days I feel like I can’t go on without her. I’m not sure what I’m asking for here, I just need advice on how to move on I guess

I am so, so sorry for your loss. That is such an incredibly devastating thing to have to deal with at such a young age, and I can’t even imagine the strength and courage it must have taken to even begin to get through it. It’s absolutely natural for something like that to affect you in profound ways, even years after it happened, and you are absolutely entitled to your feelings and your grief. There is no “timeline” for dealing with things like this - you might have good days and bad days, and you might think about her for the rest of your life. You might have long periods of feeling like you’re at peace with what happened, only to experience another period of being angry or despondent or confused about it. Your friend’s life and death is a part of your life story, for better or for worse, and it’s not always going to be clear how she fits into the rest of your story. Her death will affect the way that you see the world, and as you learn more about the world, that will affect the way that you see her death. It’s a long and complicated process, and there are no clear answers here. 

Moving on means different things to different people. There’s no one way to do it. Moving on doesn’t mean that you stop missing your friend or that you forget about her - it just means that you reach an understanding of her life and death that you can live with, and there are a lot of possible ways for you to do that. Some people turn to a religious understanding of death and the afterlife, choosing to believe that their loved one still exists in some way, or that their loved on is living on in some kind of afterlife. Some people choose to believe that their loved one is still watching over them in some way. Others choose to focus on the impact that their loved one had on the people around them in life, and to focus on the impact that they still continue to have. Some may come to believe that their loved one would not have wanted them to be sad, and use that as a source of strength to go on living. It doesn’t really matter what you choose to believe - you get to decide what understanding of her death works best for you, and it’s okay if that understanding needs to change over time. 

It might also be helpful to reach out to grief support groups, or to look into books and documentaries that other people have made to try to cope with the death of a loved one, or even their own impending death. I highly, highly recommend Paul Kalanithi’s “When Breath Becomes Air” - it’s an autobiography written in the last months of the author’s life, after a cancer diagnosis makes it clear that he is not going to live long enough to achieve any of the things he had worked so hard to achieve in his life. The book is the author’s attempt to come to terms with his own mortality, and to find meaning in a life that is cut so short. I really recommend this book to anyone who is grappling with issues of grief, loss, mortality and the meaning of life. I also highly recommend George Bonnanno’s “The Other Side of Sadness” - this is a book that takes a scientific approach to examining grief and loss, and helps us come to an understanding of why we grieve, how we grieve, and how we can find meaning in the wake of a tragedy. Understanding your own grief is a deeply personal process, but hearing about the experiences of others can make it more manageable, and it can help you to feel like you’re not alone. 

Best of luck to you.

[inthenightskyathousandstarsshine]

Dysleixa vs just hating to read

Now, I’m 99.9% sure I don’t have dysleixa. (For those of you who don’t know, dyslexia is a Learning Disability that makes letters appear like different letters or backwards/upside down and makes it hard for them to read/write) But I’m so fricking surprised I wasn’t diagnosed with it.

I have problems knowing my left from my right at times (okay most of the time) and I looked up if there were other people who couldn’t tell either. One of the results I got for this was dysleixa. (There are others, and sometimes Left-Right confusion is all on it’s own, but when I was first researching dysleixa was right up there) Here are some symptoms(behavior of people who are dyslexic):

Difficulty reading, including reading aloud.

Slow and labor-intensive reading and writing/Spending an unusually long time completing tasks that involve reading or writing

Avoiding activities that involve reading.

Problems spelling/Difficulty spelling

Mispronouncing names or words, or problems retrieving words/Difficulty seeing (and occasionally hearing) similarities and differences in letters and words/Inability to sound out the pronunciation of an unfamiliar word

Reading well below the expected level for age

Problems processing and understanding what he or she hears

Difficulty finding the right word or forming answers to questions

Problems remembering the sequence of things

There are more, so if you have these symptoms don’t freak out.

When I was little I hated reading, and I mean hated reading. The words were too close and I got lost between lines and they just didn’t seem to hold weight. They would run together and wouldn’t create a story, just meaningless words stitched to each other. Because I hated reading, when we were required to read out-loud in class, I was one of the slowest readers. A paragraph would take me forever to get through, and I’m a quiet person so I had to raise my voice to an octave I don’t use to be heard.

I once read a book in third grade that wasn’t even an inch thick. It was one of those series where if you didn’t read them, then you were missing out. I don’t even know what it was called, but it had a Composition Notebook cover and that’s the only thing I remember about it. That little book? Took me over a month or so to read. And then I think I barely passed my RLA (STAR?) quiz on it. (I don’t know about now, but before 2010 the school books would have a sticker or something and you were required to take a reading test on that book for comprehension testing)

Because I’m a slow reader and I hate reading, I avoided anything with words at all cost. I could do math just fine, give me all the problems in the book and I’ll hand it in by the end of the week. Ask me to do word problems or read a page of history for social studies? I’m sorry, I’m sick that whole month. Can’t do it.

Now my problem spelling and mispronouncing names/words go hand-in-hand sometimes. Because I mispronounce most of my words, I can’t spell them like they’re supposed to. Or alternatively, because of how they’re spelled, I don’t pronounce them correctly. Pronunciation was also a reason I hated reading out-loud. I was always corrected and had to restart the word and even after you corrected me I would get it wrong.

For most of my elementary years, I was at a second to third grade reading level. I only rose above that level in 6th grade, where I then skyrocketed to college levels because of my teacher. I learned to love reading, thanks to my sixth grade ELA teacher who forced us to read for almost an hour everyday. (Good god did I hate him for the first month or so while I still hated reading) Now I finish 3+ inch books within days of getting them.

Processing took a lot of mental and emotional energy. I would read and re-read the same paragraph over and over again and keep getting frustrated when the words just wouldn’t stick or make sense. (I sometimes still have this problem, mainly when reading something offensive on twitter or tumblr, because the “why” or “how” of the insult just isn’t getting through)

I guess what I’m trying to get at (I might have just wanted to rant when I’m low on sleep, sue me though) is that your child could have all the symptoms of dyslexia and just not have it. They could hate reading because they hate reading. Sometimes it only takes that one teacher, that one book, to spark the love of reading. And if they do have dyslexia, they can still love to read. It just might take them time to find that love with the words stacked against them.

(Though now that I look at all of this, it does make me wonder...)

[victorscanero]

FELT// Chapter two [tyrus]

Hey okay guys so the rest of the book will in cyrus' pov sorry of thid makes anything confusing I deeply apologize.

If you haven't seen chapter one that's here:

It's been weeks since Amber and I first hung out and we have been hanging out every day since. We have hung out so much that buffy and Andi were getting jealous, After I told Amber she suggested that the we have a mini party while her parents are out, Nothing crazy just a few friends of amber and T.J. that way there isn't so much pressure. "You would sit through Jandi drama for me?" I asked in aw. Amber gave me a look "Jandi...drama?" She asked clueless. "Jonah and Andi. it's their ship name." I sighed disappointed at my friends lack of fandom knowledge. "Right...anyways if it gets too bad I'll just talk to you but I think I can handle it." she laughed "and T.J. is going to agree to this?" "And is T.J. gonna agree with what?" T.J. asked slowly looking towards Amber. "Small party tonight! very tiny but you can invite reed and lester." Amber smiled hoping he would just go along with "Why would I do that when I could just hang out with reed and lester in my room?" He asked "because the party has to look chill and laid back and unforced." Amber said  "So to not make it look forced you're going to force me?" T.J. rose an eyebrow and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous it must seem. T.J. and Amber to both break eye contact and looked at me "This really is crazy maybe we should just deal with the forced awkwardness of hanging out with buffy and Andi" "No, I'll do it." T.J. said "but it is crazy" he smiled at both of ud before turning around and leaving. Amber rolled her eyes and we began planning.

-------------------------------------------------------------                       

The party seemed to be going well Jonah,gus and walker were hitting it off and Andi and Buffy were off to a fresh start there were others, but none that I really cared to talk to, that was until I saw T.J. alone at a table.

“What happened to your friends” I asked pulling out a chair to the right of T.J. at the end of the table he seemed taken back I assumed it was because the most I've spoken to him in the past weeks were when he would answer the door, but even then he just called for Amber and left.

After a moment, he replied. “Lester is looking for pudding despite my attempts of telling him we don't have any and I sent reed home.” he said “why'd you send reed home?” I asked letting my curiosity take hold. he raised an eyebrow and I began to regret prying “Do you always ask intruding questions?” but then laughed “Reed is... complicated.” he adding shaking his head “Great friend, but we are very different.” here's where I realized I made the mistake of assuming I knew who T.J. was. “I also might have gotten tired of his comments about my sister”  he said causing me to laugh “Just tell him to ask her out she's been dying to use one of her reject lines” I smiled turning to where she was at i watched as her and Andi were dancing and for a moment I thought maybe she could lime her too

Just for a moment though because before i could blink Jonah was pulling her away. her smile falling only for a moment before turning around and sitting next to amber

“Cyrus?” I heard turning my head “yeah?” I asked looking at T.J. “You didn't hear me did you?” he said looking amused my face fell “Sorry I was seeing how Amber and Andi were doing.” truthfully that happened a lot, me getting distracted worrying about other people but he didn't need to know that. “Yeah so was I” he said still looking at amber when he turned to me i guess he could see my confusion because he then asked me a question i wasn't sure how to answer “Amber likes Andi, doesn't she?” i thought I sensed a bit of sadness in his voice and hoped it was because she didn't tell her and not it was a girl that she liked I waited too long to respond i know I did silence says a lot but i answered him anyways “I think if you want to know something about Amber, you should ask Amber.”

I partly felt like it was my fault he asked. If I lied and said i was just say dreaming, the conversation would have been off them and T.J. wouldn't have asked.

“How are my favorite boys doing?” Amber perked between us a hand touching each of our shoulder “We were doing fine before you showed up.” T.J. joked causing me to smile because relief of T.J. being mad at her went away.  “Aw! that's what i said when you were born.” she took a seat beside me “Amber we're twins” T.J. said in a duh tone. Amber reached her arms back pretending to stretch “best 8 minutes of my life” she sighed “So how exactly do we kick everyone out of the house now that you guys are… Shall I say friends? We should watch the conjuring tonight.” she smiled “I'm down” T.J. smiled clamping his hand on my shoulder and getting up “IT WAS NICE HAVING EVERYONE COME AGAIN NEXT TIME” he shouted at the 10 people in the living room “well that's a passive aggressive way to tell someone to get out” I smiled walking to sat the living room and saying bye to buffy and walker before she left i couldn't find andi and jonah so I assumed they had gone home. After about 15 minutes the house was cleared. “I told him” Amber smiled “told who what?” I asked “i told T.J. said i looked really happy talking to andi and then said i always look happy when i talked about andi so he asked me if i liked her and i may have ended up telling him i liked girls and he was cool with it.” my face dropped and i took her hand and smiled “Amber! That's great I'm so happy for you!” I said and i meant it i was unbelievably happy for her. “yeah i know” she was still smiling “Can you spend the night?” “yeah but I have to walk to my house first and get some things first.” I said “T.J.!” Amber called from the room we were in and T.J. came in seconds later “yeah?” “Cyrus is spending the night so can we take him to get his clothes?” Amber asked “Yeah if we can go now I'm ready to watch the movie” he said

I forgot all about the movie I thought I could sneak past it but seeing as T.J. is excited for it and I want to have some kind of connection with him i decided to just deal with it.

The car ride there was nostalgic fergie bops Glamorous, big girls don't cry, and london Bridge. Most people i know listened to these songs but i was still shocked to see T.J. sing all the lyrics to fergalicious. Me and Amber were both in the back screaming the lyrics along with him and when we got to my house only Amber ran in with me. I told my mom I would be back tomorrow around 6:00 and we left. Amber begged to stop by the store and seeing a neither me or T.J. wanted to go in we both stayed in the car.

“So” T.J. turned around to face me “ I know about Amber.” he seemed happier than when I first found out he suspected it. “And you're okay with it?” I asked finding that having a conversation with T.J. was becoming less and less forced. He nodded “I'm just really happy she's happy” he smiled “Plus it is a relief knowing she won't ever date reed just to piss me off again”

I laughed at that “Again?” I questioned he raised an eyebrow “She didn't tell you?” I shook my head “ofcourse she didn't tell you she was probably embarrassed. Anyways, well In 6th grade i broke a vase, it wasn't important and it was 10 dollars but,  i blamed it on Amber anyways. She didn't get in trouble she actually got a hug for crying at my accusations but she was out for revenge anyways and ending up dating reed for a whole week. He cheated which obviously amber didn't care since she had zero feelings for him but to this day she regrets it because reed thinks that's whole reason she won't get back together with him” he explained the story and it was my turn to raise an eyebrow “No one thought to tell him she never had feelings for him? That could end this whole thing.” I laughed surprised.

“Reed hitting on amber has been a thing since elementary school no matter how much either of us complain the moment Reed gets into a real relationship and stops will be a very sad day” he said before I could reply I heard a known on the trunk and turned to see Amber, her figure disappearing behind the hood as she lifted it up.

“You heard all of that and we will make sure she knows you know.” T.J. smiled at me before turning back around. Amber came in the car and I couldn't help but make the first punch. “it's funny you have a crush on andi who has short hair and dated reed who has short hair… you must have a type” I smiled innocently “T.J. YOU TOLD HIM” she pulled the strings on her hoodie hiding her face “Sorry I couldn't help it, you can't just let your friends stay alone with me and not expect me to tell your darkest secrets!” he cranked up the car beginning to drive off “T.J. thought you were in love with me when we first started hanging out” that shocked me but i couldn't help but burst out laughing along with her “I did for a week and then i told you i think that's just how he acts” he said “what is that even supposed to mean” I continued to laugh “you know like your nice I noticed your nice to everyone” T.J. started to drive and the laughter died down “that's so not true!” I said knowing that it was very much true “Dude, Jenkins dropped his books while knocking yours out of your hand and you helped him pick his up.” T.J. laughed “that's so cyrus” amber said “Jenkins isn't that bad he is just douchey” i said knowing he was THAT bad. “Trust, he is i play basketball with him. That reminds me, if you ever decide to be fully out Amber and Jenkins gives you shit let me know. He is known for being homophobic.” We pulled into the driveway and she jumped out “That's the exact opposite of what I'm going to do but thank you for the tip” i began to wonder if that's why jenkins was always a total dick to me, could he tell I was gay? I pushed the thoughts aside when we got to Amber's room we all decided to watch it there and Amber had the bright idea to make a fort so we brought in chairs and blankets and moved her bed to the side and the mattress off of it.

A/n this ended weirdly but i wanted to start chapter 3 from the fort being done.

[empathyuck]

50 questions tag

I was tagged by @wouldujae thank you so much for the tag!

What takes up too much of your time? As of right now stanning groups and just my phone in general. In college it was studying and doing assignments.

What makes your day better? Laughing with my friends or feeling like I’ve been productive

What’s the best thing to happen to you today? Hmmm. Idk waking up and being alive nothing happened today lol

What fictional place would you like to go to? Emerald city???

Are you good at giving advice? I think so, I always try to give my opinion from different perspectives

Do you have a mental illness? Nope

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No thank the lord

What musician inspired you the most? I have too many!!

Have you ever fallen in love? Nope, haven’t even liked anyone in over 2 years

What’s your dream date? Movie night, going out and just hanging out maybe go grab a snack, going to a park and reading or drawing 🥺 just wanna talk w my special boy doesn’t matter what we do

What do others notice about you? I get that I’m quiet, smart, artistic and creative. For my appearance I get complimented on my body a lot because I have wide hips haha

What’s an annoying habit you have? Eugh I either speak too softly or too loudly to the point where my voice sounds annoying I hate it.

Do you still talk to your first love? Interestingly enough I do! He was the first real crush I had, I liked him in elementary and was the boy that I’ve liked for the longest. I liked him off and on until the beginning of high school hah, we go to the same college and we speak sometimes lmao

How many exes do you have? Only 1

How many songs are in your playlist? There are currently 24 songs in my summer playlist but I need to add more

What instruments can you play? I used to play the clarinet from 6th-9th grade so only 1

What do you have the most pictures of? Pictures of nct, my friends, Minho, and aesthetic pictures. Weird pictures too lol

Where would you like to go before you die? I’m honestly not sure but probably like a forest or a place that’s VERY green and secluded... probably has a waterfall and all

What’s your Zodiac? Cancer

Do you relate to it? Mostly, yeah. Cancers are seen as very emotional, and I can be i guess but never in front of others. I don’t like feeling vulnerable lsbdlsndsl. But am I moody af? Yes. Do I keep to myself? Yep.

What is happiness to you? Laughing, feeling like I’m accomplishing something, being okay with where I’m at. Not wishing for more.

Are you going through anything right now? Just worrying on how I’ll pay my way through college 🤧

What’s the worst decision you ever made? i don’t think I have one in specific, but being too worried or scared about consequences. I’m tired of overthinking things and not doing things I want to do

What’s your favourite store? Dollar tree because I’m a poor shawty

What’s your opinion on abortion? A woman can do whatever she chooses, it’s her body!!!

Do you keep a bucket list? Noooo

Do you have a favourite album? Hm some of my faves are Kevin Abstract - American Boyfriend; childish Gambino-because the Internet; NCT 127-regular-irregular; modern baseball-you’re gonna miss it all. I have too many D:

What do you want for your birthday? Maybe a stray kids album? But idk which one I love them all hhhh

What are most people’s first impressions of you? People see me differently. Some think I’m really smart, nice, calm and innocent. I think others see me as chill, intimidating, artistic. I think it depends on where people encounter me. I get told a lot that people think I didn’t like them but in reality it just takes me a while to come out of my shell around new people. I’ve also been told “i used to think u thought u were better than everyone else” like i don’t?? 😭 i just have a resting b*tch face/I’m shy but I’m nice I swear!!!

What age do you seem according to most people? Get told I look like two years younger than what I am

Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? On my nightstand

What word do you say the most? “Or something,” “dude/bro,” “pinche vato culo” and “like”

What’s the oldest age you would date?Right now I would prefer 1-2 years older. I could do 3, but that’s kind of pushing it lol. Right now i would prefer someone closer to my age because I’m sad over the fact that it’s almost my last year as a teen. Because of that i think I would go better with someone closer to my age right now (I’ve liked people 3 years older than me before)

What’s the youngest age you would date? A few months younger, like 6 months younger at most

What job/career do most people say would suit you? Writer, artist, English/art teacher

What’s your favourite music genre? Hip hop! But i love different genres

If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? I don’t know, I’m not the type of person that looks too much into the future. Right now I like living in Texas and going to college here

What is your current favourite song? Igloo by millic and highway to heaven

How long have you had this blog for? Like 5 months, started it in January

What are you excited for? New skz album baby!!!

Are you a better talker or listener? listener, although sometimes I suck st that too because my mind wanders a lot

What is the last productive thing you did? I tried to sew one of my shirts and turn it into a crop top but I failed lol I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll prob read later

What do you want for Christmas? Ehhh nothing really I don’t like materialistic things all that much. I like receiving drawings and poems. Maybe new clothes

What class do you get the best grades in? This past semester I got 5 A’s minus a B in psychology so all of those 5 classes 🥴

On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? Like 4 because I’m bored right now for no reason hhh (I been saying I’m moody af 😵)

What can you see yourself doing in ten years? English teacher!! Or maybe even a writer if I improve my skills. I think I have the talent and creativity to do it, but I definitely need to further my skills

When did you get your first heartbreak? I guess the first time I was really sad was when I told a boy I liked him and he didn’t respond to my text lol. First “real” heartbreak was when my first bf broke up with me and told me he was only with me because of my body... like ok made me feel so unworthy lol :( I was 15 at the time

What age do you want to get married? I don't care too much about getting married but if I do maybe in my 30s

What career did you want to have as a child? Teacher, singer, actress, dancer lmao I used to be into a lot of things

What do you crave right now? Having something to do that will make me less bored 😪

I won’t be tagging anyone in this post because it’s really long and I don’t want to bother anyone haha. Also I’ve noticed a lot of blogs have already done this so ya :0 I’ll tag whoever wants to do it!! You can say that I tagged you and I’ll read your post 💚

[moodymurda]

think i lost my best friend

as a small child my first first best friend was a boy named omar. we met in daycare when we were two. we were the smallest in the class but had the biggest mouths. we ended up going to the same schools until 4th grade. at our elementary school anytime someone claimed me as a best friend, he would explain that we went way back to diapers and they weren’t my best friend lmao. 

in pre-k i met a boy named hakeem. (our mom’s ended up being friends, they still talk occasionally and sometimes my mom will tell me how hakeem and his siblings are doing. because she know my weird ass cares about that sort of thing). hakeem brought these lemon cookies everyday for snack. i liked them too but in strawberry, so he would have his mom get me some and he brought me those cookies everyday until we changed schools in first grade. we always sat together, did our work together, played together. we had other friends but we mostly did everything together. 

in first grade i had 2 best friends. a boy named franklyn and a girl named melody. melody moved away like 4 months into the school year but to this day i’ve never forgotten her. franklyn, i thought he was so cool. he was a really great artist.. for a 6 year old lol. he was real funny too. he had the funniest facial expressions. and he was real serious which i was entertained by because i’ve always been “silly”. 

in 4th grade i met a girl named shanelle. we were the shortest girls in the class and the smartest. we were really similar in general and we instantly clicked. it was a whole lil group of girls that i’d known since first grade. but shanelle and i ended up in the same class in 4th grade and we clicked idk. that was my mf girl. when i first moved to florida we talked on the phone every saturday for hours. i also met a boy named anias that year. he was one of my best friends too. he was also my first crush lol. unrelated but it’s interesting to look back at how i handled the fact that i liked him, because i still handle liking people that same way.

fifth grade was my first year in florida. it was real hard for me to make friends. the other day, my mom said to me she realized that in new york i never had to make friends. i have bout 5011 cousins, so that's built in friends right there. and they were my friends back then, they're my friends now. then most of the kids i went to daycare with, they went to my elementary school. so again i never had to make a friend really. i knew everyone in my life since i was a literal infant. 

but yea i did end up making friends eventually. got my first white friends ever lol. (one of their dad’s called me a nigger which is still hands down one of the weirdest things i’ve ever experienced.) i started to befriend more girls which was cool because before then i always had way more guy friends than girls. 

in middle school i went to one school for 6th grade, then another for 7th & 8th. in 6th i met my friend nijah. and she was my best friend then. she treated me like i was her little sister and i’m still grateful. she really looked out for my little ass and defended me no matter what. she was present after i got into my first fight lol. and even though i held my own, the girl had scratched my face. that shit set nijah off and she proceeded to beat homegirl’s ass even though i just did.

i struggled to make friends in 7th again. in 6th grade i went to the same school that most of my elementary friends went to, so again i didn’t have to make friends for real. i did make new friends but it was different because it was a group thing. not me alone trying to fit in somewhere. in 7th grade i finally got into a school i applied to in 5th grade but was wait-listed. i was and am very reluctant to speak to those i don’t know for a list of reasons. so i didn’t. i would just observe the people in my class. eventually these two girls named janae and keely who were best friends, kinda let me stick my ass in there with them. then i met bart and this girl dani. i remember marcus and i had ended up befriending one another bc our history teacher sat us next to each other when he was reassigning seats. (i remember every mf thing but marcus was also my second crush so naturally i remember every detail of that shit). so yea those were my friends. at the time janae was my best friend tho. she was the only other black girl in the class that would talk to me and didn’t think i was weird. it was because her ass was weird too lol. i didn’t act like the rest of the black girls and they really only spoke to me to make fun of me. which i knew, but i’ve never been one to entertain shit unless “you got beat my ass about it”. 

in 8th grade janae and i met this group of girls. morgan, dejahnna, atlantis, and jarvayssia. some shit shifted that year and morgan and dejahanna became my best friends. they were the first friends i ever hang out with outside of school. it made me feel so good to be invited to shit and to feel included. to feel like a normal ass 13 yr old felt amazing. 

so in high school there were two schools all the magnet school kids would usually apply to. stanton and paxon. with the exception of keely, bart, and a few other people i didn't mention here. every single person i was close with in middle school, went to paxon. what's crazy is most of my friends were going for stanton because in jax it’s the “better” school as far as ranking goes. i don't even remember why but when i toured paxon, i liked it more than stanton and i wanted to go there. it’s still funny to me that my ass didn’t want to go to stanton but was one of the only ones in my close friend group to get in. 

so yea at stanton is struggled. a lot. personally but also in the friend department. to put it plainly i had none. people didn't really talk to me or acknowledge me really. at first i didn’t mind it. but then having a fucked up home situation and having no friends just made me feel real shitty. there was that thing again, with people talking to me only to make fun of me. some of those same people would turn around senior year and try to be my friend senior year which was hilarious to me at the time. it was like they forgot how they treated my extra depressed ass back then. i met this girl chelsey in 10th grade and she was hella sweet. she basically forced me on her friends and they became my friends.

okay so anyway, in 11th grade i met a girl named ahmani. she was in my chorus class. i remember our first encounter, it was towards the beginning of the school year. stanton was playing paxon and it was the game everyone went to ya know. i wanted to go but my mom couldn't take me. so everyone is talking about it and someone asked if i was coming. i said no and why, ahmani ended up asking me what side of town i lived on. we realized we dead lived like 7 minutes away from each other. she offered to pick me up and bring me to the game w her. i was amazed that she was willing to, i know that dont sound like a big deal but to me it was. people weren’t nice to me bro. like ever. so for her to do that it meant a lot. she ended up being my ride every mf where. she is dead the reason i hung out w people outside of school w my friends. she took me everywhere with her. sometimes we would just sit in the car and talk or listen to music. we had a group of friends, it was 5 of us. but i was the closest with her. 

i admired her. i thought she was so strong and resilient. she's hella awkward but she owns it. she's low-key/highkey anxious sometimes but she works through it. no one i’ve ever met works harder to achieve shit than she is. she sings so beautifully. she is beautiful. she's a caretaker of basically anyone she knows. she is a light, she was my light for so long when i needed it. we’re pretty different but also a lot alike. we just worked. i always told her where i fall short she picks up my slack and vice versa. we might be a bit of a mess separately but our heads working together is unstoppable. we’re kinda a mess together too honestly but it’s us.

in college we didn't spend as much time together. we both stayed home for two years and went to a community college. we would hang out like weekly i think. i’m pretty sure we saw each other once a week at the very least. but then she went to orlando for university and i went to UNF which in jax. we didn’t talk all that much and i understood. i wasn't necessarily too busy, but thats because i just never am that fucking busy lmfao. idk the way i go through life is weird. i only make time for the shit and people i want to make time for. i refuse to do anything i dont want to. and that isn’t necessarily my best trait but I'm working on it. but yea i guess she was busier than i? idk when i don’t speak to people for a while i dont make a big deal. i tell myself it isn’t on purpose and i move on. i often tell myself not to apply more importance to my life than what is necessary. especially when others are involved. again, not my best trait but i’m working on it. 

so yea though our communication got limited i still considered her my best friend. when she would come to the city, if she had time we hung out. i always have time lmfao, always. again i know other people’s lives are more full than mine. well i assume so. anyway. we spoke on the phone. we were there when the other needed i think. i try hard not to need people. like not to call them or burden them with my issues. i try real hard. but when she needed me i was there. not to say i’ve ever needed her and she wasn’t there. because that isn’t the case at all. 

recently we planned to move to chicago together. a whole chain of events happened and now we aren’t. i’m still moving and i’m pretty sure she is too. just not together. the way it happened is really fucking with me. i don’t wanna get into it bc of privacy and shit. but i will say that i am hurt. im really hurt and im confused and im beating myself up over some shit that everyone keeps telling me isn't my fault. feels like my fault though. that feels like the only explanation. i dont know.

i’ve been thiniking a lot. about friends and how i never really had any. i just spoke to people so i wasn't alone or sometimes i just spoke to no one and made myself be okay with it. and now i have this group of friends and we’re like family. everyone that is my friend currently is my family. all of my friends i have currently i made over the internet. and i was bothered by that im not even gonna lie. it felt good to still have ahmani bc i would see her more than i see my other friends. i still have some i didn't meet yet. idk i just.. im the only person in my like personal life with internet friends. like in my family. and i felt like i just fed the fact that my family thinks im not even the least bit “normal”. then i started to feel bad. because it felt like that meant i was ashamed of my friends.and i’m not. i love them. i dont wanna lose any of them any time soon. and i’m realizing i dont need anyone’s approval to make those friendships “real” or valid. because they are real and valid to me. 

but yea i dont think ahmani and i will be friends anymore. or if we do end up being friends again, we probably won't speak for a while. i don’t know what that means. but losing a friend sucks a whole lot and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you