#[ happy to have gotten some hours to write for him bc WELP i will be busy this weekend like nooooooo not again xD ]

[despairforme]

Going to the gym for the 5th day in a row. Feels so good...

[01010010-posts]

— watering my feelings for you.

requests: omg... flower shop au.... sending ur rk a new flower for his desk every week... sending him big beautiful arrangements on special occaisions... yes

Hello sweetie💕 I absolutely ADORE your writing 💕💕💕 it's so innocent?? And precious?? Like you! Like thank you for always brightening up my dash with your amazing self! If it's alright I had a little request? The boys with a super gentle s/o who looooves plants? Like they love to garden and talks to their sprouts, encouraging them to grow. Maybe the boys can help analyze the soil so they grow happier? If not it's okay!! Have a lovely day darling ✨💕

hello this was supposed to come out yesterday but i realized that maybe at 4:20am you should go to bed instead well at least re-reading it today doesn’t make it as bad as i thought these asks were so soft

Connor:

• he just wanted some flowers to put on Hank’s table as celebration after a big case • he didn’t expect you at all • not one manual about humans prepared him for this • is it– is it the arrangement? is it that? • no it’s def you, only you • gosh you’re even more beautiful than the way you organized the flowers • what,,,, what should he do,,,, • of fucking course he’s going to panic and stutter • he just wanted to ask for your number • yet he managed to make a fool of himself and sadly go home with the bouquet in hand • he still doesn’t know but he perfectly succeeded in his attempt at wooing you • and now he’s sitting on a chair, ruffling his own hair at the embarrassing moment replaying in his head • he believes that, by now, you’re vivaciously gossiping about ‘how freaky that android was this morning’ with your colleagues and boy does his heart shrinks • but in the end he can’t help returning to your shop after a week • he’s lucky he doesn’t need rest bc he surely wouldn’t have been able to sleep the whole time • yes he doesn’t actually need more flowers but • are you– are you blushing?? what?? even if he was a complete mess the other day?? • rA9 maybe?? he still has a chance?? maybe?? • fucking please write your number on the business card it’s painful to watch u 2 dorks 

RK900:

• why would he needs flowers? • he doesn’t • but, despite this, he’s here, faking window shopping • ‘faking’ as ‘it’s obvious I’m in love with the part-timer but I’m an awkward boy and I don’t know how to approach humans so I’m trying to look at flowers’ • why does this has to be so complicated • “may i help you?” • no no no no you can’t please ahh go away • “no” • and,,,, he exits the shop like this never happened • i’m not gonna lie you’re a bit taken aback, not only by him being so handsome but also you’ve never heard such a firm ‘no’ in your life • too bad you can’t see his face so blue because you just talked to him • but he doesn’t give up • after an hour he’s back at the shop • honestly you both know the situation is weird at this point • “actually, I think you might help me” • “oh! perfect! were you searching for something in particular or?” • “yes. I was.” • “.... okay. any examples?” • “I’m in need of bouquet for a date and I was wondering what were your favourites flowers” 

RK800-60:

• he is an habitué • you don’t know how or why he always shows during weekends • he just does • most of the time he buys flowers or tiny cacti • his room is full of them, he really doesn’t know where to put the next ones, please help him, he has already gifted half of his collection to all the people he knows and either he gets to know more people or you understand that he’s trying to flirt with you • so you think he’s really passionate about plants • and god are you happy!! • finally someone nice that you can talk about plants for days on end! • well he doesn’t dislike them but his hardware might explode if you keed feeding him info about gardening • fortunately a co-worker asks him out and he’s like,,,, “what no, of course I like [name]” • and fucking months mutual pining melts down like wax • he’s so glad he can stop buying plants he was going to water them with his tears • WHAT DO YOU MEAN you’re mad about the plants yes he took care of them don’t worry • LISTEN it was a necessary move no you don’t understand he made it for you ok • YES HE WATERED THEM EVERY DAY DON’T WORRY BABY THEY’RE FINE • what,,,, why do you want them back,,,, why should they stay at your apartment along with this things– • OH • you meant that • he’s totally fine with that 

Bonus — Connor / RK900 / RK800-60:

• as someone who doesn’t particularly like parties you’re truly glad that one of the perks of your job as a florist is going to the place, do your thing, setting the flowers in pretty positions and going back home to read a book or watch some tv  • the sole con, really, is when the broad guy that usually drives the truck for big events dumps you at the last minute • i mean fuck? since it’s a DPD gathering there should be at least a strong police officer helping you unloading the ornaments, right? • by all means; no • it’s too early, not even one guest has arrived yet • so you’re there, kinda struggling with your plastic green boots in the mud, heaps of heavy plants on your hands • until you hear “I told you we were early!” “stop complaining, of course we came early, not only is bad etiquette to arrive late but I also couldn’t bear the sight of you putting more hair gel” • it’s a soft bicker in the distance, and you’re so focused on the hilarious interaction that you don’t notice an android getting near you, a wide smile “do you need any help with that?” • he’s,,,, fucking cute help • but halfway through opening your mouth two other heads pop next to his, all slightly similar • three cuties in a row now,,,, it’s your lucky day heck • and since they’re so robust they all help you with placing things!! • gosh is this a dream? can you like, hire them or something? • “thanks a bunch, without you it would’ve taken me hours!” • “don’t worry, we were glad to assist with the preparations!” • “speak for yourself, Connor, I want to be paid!” • “what, c’mon 60, we don’t actually need money” • “though I agree with him, we do require some sort of payment for the work done” • “RK900, love, please, can’t we just do something without expecting anything in return?” • “no no, it’s alright, you did contribute so it’s natural of me to pay you– but if money is not what you want, well, i can offer some flowers, perhaps?” • do androids even like flowers? • “a date!” 60 chirps behind a nodding RK900 “yes, that might be appropriate” • what,,,, what does this mean • a date?? really?? beautiful boys asking you on a date??? wait,,,, which one of those three • you stifle a nervous laugh “so three dates? like taking turns? shame i can’t date all of you at once, huh” • welp would you look at their faces! okay you said something strange but it was a joke no need to be so– • “as a matter of fact, we meant that” Connor tries, tentatively, blushing a little at the thought • “that what” you really don’t get it do u moron • “a date with the three of us. at once” RK900 is fucking serious • what have you gotten yourself into • the date it’s nice, tho, you take them to a botanical garden and gosh do you have fun • you gift them 3 cute ass different tiny plants and they all put it on their desk • they also take from you the habit of talking to flowers, which is pretty heartwarming to be fair • no they don’t feel stupid in the slightest you said it makes the sprouts grow stronger and happier so they will do it they want you to be proud of them • Connor and 60 don’t tell you but they have a compilation of videos about RK900 watering and saying cute things to the pot as if it were you • wholesome androids tbh • please insist on making them wash their hands and mouth because you never know when they could get the sudden urge to verify that is it indeed topsoil • you only forgive them because they tell you what’s the best soil around judging by the chemical composition 

[sunnysidewrites]

Enemies to Lovers!Subin

Requested by anon: enemies to lovers au with subin from victon??? thank u!!! 

here you go sunflower anon pt 2 LOL!!! YOUR REQUEST BLEW THROUGH THE ROOF SO MANY PPL WANTED THIS WOW STAN TALENT STAN KINGS AKA VICTON!!! WE NEED MORE WRITERS FOR VICTON AND I WILL DO IT MYSELF!!!!!! i also really love other victon writers you guys are the mvps i love u!!!! AND JUST LIKE I PROMISED THIS IS THE 2ND IMAGINE I’M DROPPING TODAY!!!!!! HAPPY READING MY CHILDREN!!!!!

warnings: cUTE BABY SUBIN V V CUTE SUBIN!!!!

wHAT A CONCEPT

THIS IS GONNA BE MY FIRST PUBLISHED VICTON IMAGINE AAAAAAAA

STAN ROOKIE KINGS YALL PLS STOP SLEEPING ON THEM

THIS GOT MORE VOTES THAN I THOUGHT TOO YOU GUYS ARE #WOKE

You’ve always been gr8 at school

You exceed in academics, sports, extracurriculars you are the Full Package

But you might have just met your match when a Jung Subin came into your life

He has literally only been at your school for 3 hours and everyone’s already fawning over him

“Omg did you meet the new kid?? He is sO CUTE AND NICE”

“That subin guy is really nice”

“I wanna keep him in my pocket” LMAO SAME

And he just sounds like a freaking angel

You’re like well i didn’t meet the guy yet so i can’t judge him based off of these

Turns out he’s in your writing class

Writing class is your fav bc it’s your strongest suit and you’re just super confident no one is gonna take your place as #1

Welp hahahah

Subin waltzes in and just kinda does that

likE GDI SUBIN FIRST YOU’RE AN ANGEL AND NOW YOU TAKE MY SPOT SMH

He seems to have a nice smile but,,, when he makes eye contact with you,,,, you  could feel the ice

And you’re like this boi doesn’t even know me??? What is his deal???

He knows you’re gonna be his competition bc he has already been informed about you

Well actually your friend was telling him about you but whatever

And he’s like wO WZERZ SHE IS PRETTY AND CUTE BUT MOVE ASIDE HONEY THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN

As class resumes after his introduction, you’re like ok whatevz i won’t let this weirdo get in the way of My Happiness™

When you get your assignments back a few classes later, your teacher is all gushing about someone’s work

And you’re like lmao!! I know thank you!!

“What a real piece of work!! Subin have you considered joining our school newspaper?”

aND YOU’RE FLIPPING OUT LIKE W HA T SU B I N????????????

And your classmates are like ooo shhiiiitttttt y/n has been replaced

And yoU’RE LIKE UM EXCUSE U i WILL NoT have my pride destroyed like this

And subin is just smirking like lmao ye that’s right boi i snatched it

And you’re like ??????????? get out u wish honey??????????

And from that point on you’re like this b is gonna go down i am gonna pull out all the sTOPS WA T C H ME

Your teacher and your classmates are just like pl s,,, chill,,,, it’s literally just creative writing,,,,,

You & subin: nO I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST gotta go

“tHIS AIN’T POKEMON IT’S AN ELECTIVE”

You guys are just at each other’s throats and you both try to one-up the other so hard but it always results in the both of you tied

Your teacher is like ok u kno wat

“Class, we’ll be mixing things up a little for this assignment. You’re gonna get into pairs or groups!! And don’t even pick your partners i already have them picked lmao”

You & subin: w HA T

The rest of the class: …….yikes

Your teacher and the rest of the class lowkey ship yall

And ofc,,,, you ended up with the one person you didn’t want,,,,,

“Ugh ok let’s just try to get this over with”

“Fine whatever”

the prompt involves writing a short story where person A and person B meet under the most unlikely circumstances and take a disliking at first sight but they grow closer and actually start falling love

And one partner writes person A’s perspective and the other writes person B’s

And you and subin are like jesus christ

So you’re like ok i’ll do person A then and subin is like sure whatevz

And you guys start brainstorming for the core of the plot

Class ends but you still haven’t gotten too far in brainstorming so you’re like sigh,,, ok well,,, we’re gonna have to meet up outside of school to work on this,,,,, we don’t have much time to work on this in class

And he’s like ugh,,,,, you’re right,,,,,

So you guys plan to meet a local cafe later that week to crank it out

As you’re getting dressed you’re like what should i wear

Would this be too casual

Is this dressing up too much

And you’re like wa i t lmao it’s just subin what am i doing!! :)))

But you’re also like im gonna wear that cute skirt

When you get there, subin has already picked out a table and spread out his things

“Sorry were you waiting that long?”

And he kINDA JUMPS LIKE O JESUS

You’re like why are you so jumpy??? It’s not like you weren’t expecting me to come????

And he’s like it’s no t h in g let’s just get started!!

You just shrug it off and start taking out your materials too

And you’re like ok wait i probably need to buy a drink so that we can stay here for longer do u want anything

And he’s like ya sure get me a mocha frappe or smth

And you’re like w h a t,,,,, i love that drink,,,,,,,

“With whipped cream?”

“yES O M G”

You’re literally bonding over a coffee drink i just???

And you can see his eyes forming into little crescents cause he’s smILING I’M SO SOFT OMG

And your heart is doing some somersaults and you’re like aahahhahsjdffljdljd i’ll be back bye

When you return with both of your drinks he’s like :)))!!!

“Thanks!! So for the part when they meet --”

And you guys spend literally hours and you’re just like ok,,, let’s,,, just take a breather,,,, and get some lunch or smth

And he’s like yea my brain is fried

You guys start packing your things and move to a little restaurant down the block 

You & subin: is this,, like,,, a date,,,, wth,,,,

And you guys spend your lunch laughing and making jokes while adding more ideas to your story

You finish your meal and you’re like ok well,,,, i think we practically laid out all the necessary details now we just gotta work on our own part

And he’s like yea,,,, i guess this is where we go,,,,

And you’re both reluctant to leave bc,,, hanging out with the other wasn’t the most horrible thing ever,,,,,

You’re unsure of whether to hug him goodbye or just leave so you hesitate for a second more and just decide to wave him goodbye

And he waVES BACK HOW CUTE SLDFJFJDF

You go home and you’re like ,,,,,,,,,,,,oh my god did that just happen

Subin at home: that really happened wow

You sit yourself down at your desk and you’re ready to go into Writing Mode this assignment is due in a day it’s time to go hAM

And you get so caught up in working that by the time you finish you’re like oMG I NEED TO GO TO BED

You sleep quite soundly that night bc you’re very satisfied with your product

Can’t relate lol :)))

The following day you and subin turn it into your teacher and your teacher is like i hope there were no complications!!!

And you and subin are like nope,,,, it went pretty smoothly actually,,,

Teacher + class: w HA T

“O-oh okay that’s good to hear! Anyways let’s take a quick break before launching into our work today. I’ll read some of these stories out loud!”

When she reaches your story, she pauses as she scans through it

And you and subin are lowkey holding your breath

Her mouth and eyes are a little wide open

She starts reading it and you can see your classmates being sh O OK

And your classmates can already tell who wrote it bc it’s just so obvious

She gets near the end of your short story and it talks about a cafe date

And when she reads person B’s perspective IT ALSO HAS A CAFE D A TE

*eyes emoji*

“His company wasn’t bad. Not bad at all.” -- the last sentence of yours

“She turned around and went on her way, and all I could think about was how many more times I would see that same back walking.” -- the last sentence of his

I AM SHOOK BY THIS FAKE SHORT STORY LMAO

Everyone is just like holy crap pls don’t read the rest of ours we are ashAMED

When class ends, you’re about to leave and go to the parking lot but subin stops you

“Hey,,, so,,,,,”

“So,,,,,”

“Would you,,, wanna have another cafe date,,,,,,,,,,,”

“,,,,,,,,if you want,,,,,,,”

And you’re both so shy and start blushing and giggling a little here and there OSJLFLJDSJL SO CUTE

“Well, your company really isn’t bad at all” you say with a wink

And just like that you turn around, leaving a starstruck Subin

[jungnoir]

tagged by @jingogi quite a while back, but never got the chance to really sit down and do this. It’s such a cool tag!! so here we go...

rules: pick a story/scenario/etc. from a few muses/idols you write for that you really enjoyed writing, whether it gained popularity or not – and then tag your favourite fellow writers to share their own favourite works as well!

I did more than one story for a few idols rip, I hope that’s cool.

bts

destiny ⇢ yoonkook x reader, demon and angel au. one of my fave series I have ever planned out. I’m very excited to lay everything out and tie this series up in a bow one day. I spent countless hours staring up at my ceiling, mapping out this story as much as possible. It has become a bit of a pride for me.

amour chassé-croisé ⇢ jungkook x reader, miraculous ladybug au. this was very fun to write. I don’t usually just write straight with barely any stops but I did for this fic. I love miraculous ladybug and often times, when I like a show or movie, I fantasize my favorite groups in place of its’ characters. I kinda sat down one day and said “imagine if this was a thing? ...I’m going to make this a thing”

in between the lines ⇢ namjoon x reader, writing to life au. by now, you can probably see I love au’s. I’ve often thought about the relationship between writer and work, and even attempted to do something once where a writer got sucked into their own story. This is really the reverse, and I love this au.

kim’s emporium of the strange ⇢ taehyung x reader, witch au. If there is one thing I’m soft for, it’s magic au’s. Around halloween last year, I really struggled to come up with some cool halloween au for Taehyung. I have like two or three semi-long drafts for versions of kim’s emporium of the strange that were titled “pumpkin spice and everything nice” (ik, cringe lol). this one got a lot more attention than I thought (and a nice ass moodboard by @shinybts who according to tumblr does not exist and won’t let me @ them but I find a way)?

first love ⇢ yoongi x reader, best friend au. ONE OF MY FAVORITES!!! I never thought it would have gotten the attention it did, and I’m super proud of it. felt more like writing a fantasy of mine than a well planned fic which is probably why I enjoyed it so much lol.

the married life ⇢ yoongi x reader, vampire au. I spent quite a long time on this (this was my longest fic ever? hmm). I was a little let down in the beginning when this fic didn’t get a lot of love so I kinda sat around moping about what might’ve turned people away from reading it, but I’ve found my peace with it now. I really do love this fic and I put a lot of heart into it so in the end, it doesn’t matter how much attention it gets, I’m proud anyway.

a dash of wicked ⇢ seokjin x reader, writing to life au and villain au. I love love love au’s about villains becoming good/getting redeemed. I didn’t know if jin would really fit a legit villain so I went for a children’s book one, and I really liked the idea. it was fun to play with!

take a breath ⇢ jimin x reader, dad au. stay at home dad!jimin, that is all. 

got7

i’ll always make it back to you ⇢ jackson x reader, zombie hunter au. my first fic for jackson and my first smut 🙈. I was going through a zombie au phase and this came out of it. I like how soft it felt.

frat boy!got7 ⇢ got7 x reader, frat boy au. YOOOOOOOOO this was a monster to do but I love love love doing hc’s for got7 and this just came out really lovely. I’m not a fan of frat au’s so you can see how much I loved this one to add it to my favorite fics list :)

babysitter!got7 ⇢ got7, babysitter au. I cannot tell you where this really came from but I just love the thought of babysitter!got7 okay.

got7 working at a grocery store ⇢ got7, grocery store worker au. this shit... every time it gets a note I get reminded that I did this in like a night and it was so utterly random and silly but a lot of people have said it’s funny and honestly... this is what I create when I have no restraints :D

one of those days ⇢ jinyoung x reader, neighbor au. one of the cutest things okay. I don’t write for jinyoung often but writing this made me fall for him.

spirit!yugyeom ⇢ yugyeom x reader, spirit au. to this day, I have been threatened over this piece more than any other thing I have written. I love it.

ghost!jaebum ⇢ jaebum x reader, ghost au. so fucking depressing. I love it.

ghost!youngjae ⇢ youngjae x reader, ghost au. the ghost au that started it all and is still one of my favorite pieces that I wrote sitting on my mom’s toilet for half an hour.

seventeen

boyfriend!jeonghan ⇢ jeonghan x reader, boyfriend au. currently the only living proof I am soft for this libra. 

dad!hoshi ⇢ hoshi x reader, dad au. I definitely struggled with which ways to approach this story, but I liked how it came out. I got a little extra with it tbh, but I enjoyed writing it. 

college boyfriend!jihoon ⇢ jihoon x reader, college bf au. AHHHHHHHHH!!! the thing that solidified me as a woozi stan. I had soooo much fun with this you don’t even know. I love it so much.

college boyfriend!minghao + animal shelter volunteer!minghao ⇢ minghao x reader, college bf au and animal shelter volunteer au. another fun one, I really had feelings for minghao after this one!! I love the idea of minghao being a lover of unorthodox pets and just being a cute bf. 

college boyfriend!wonwoo ⇢ wonwoo x reader, college bf au. this is almost at 700 notes 😱. I didn’t know you guys liked wonwoo this much until I wrote this. I’ll keep that in mind.

bonnie and clyde ⇢ wonwoo x reader, hacker au. I won’t lie and say I didn’t listen to the mystic messenger theme on repeat and didn’t look at 707 aesthetics on pinterest to get in the mood for this one. 

monsta x

tough guy ⇢ jooheon x reader, biker gang au. I wrote this for my friend jen’s request and no lie... I was swooning for jooheon in the end. I always thought it was really cute!!

babysitter!monsta x ⇢ monsta x, babysitter au. ahhhh, this came from monsta x ray ep 5 bc monsta x and babies kill me. usually these long hc’s tire me out and this one definitely did, but I love it.

truce ⇢ changkyun x reader, rival au. this was the official debut of my love for changkyun, I believe. I have this ongoing thing in my head that me and changkyun are rivals, always one-upping each other and trying to embarrass the other before we fall for each other in the end. this was more of a pleasure write than anything :)

hate me now ⇢ wonho x reader. okay, I really love me some day6 and their emo songs, so when I heard “how can I say?” I was really inspired to do something angsty and sad but I had no idea who to do it for. Then, wonho popped into my head because I seldom write for him and I don’t know... it just fit. It was quite an emotional write for me. I’m glad I posted it. I usually aim for happy endings but this was new for me.

nct

boyfriend!taeyong ⇢ taeyong x reader, boyfriend au. One of my very first posts on this blog. It hit 500 notes recently and I’m still??? wow??? this was when I was at the height of my love for taeyong (pshhh, I’m still at the height of my love for taeyong).

blackpink

blue lagoon ⇢ lisa x reader, mermaid au. my non-kpop friend found out about my writing blog and really, really wanted me to do a mermaid au for a girl group and lisa was the glaring choice in my head. I love Lisa and mermaid au’s and this was just a nice thing to make. low-key based reader off me because I cannot swim either haha. 

welp!! that was a lot of fun. I liked looking at all the things I’ve written and picking my favorites, and I hope all of you that I tag can do the same and admire all the good work you’ve done. now, I’m tagging...

@seoulscapes (have fun with this one girl), @stormae (I hope it’s okay to tag you!), @teeyongs, @ultdabdab and @kimtrain!!! let me know if any of you would like to be untagged!

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.