She knew of the voice, but before Hornetstar heard it for herself, she thought it’d be subtle, a small whisper at the back of her head. Now, with the screaming digging sharp claws into her head, she shakes with the burden and with her throbbing heartbeat. Curled tightly in a ball, she verges on hyperventilation.
“Hornet?”
Hornetstar angles her ears backward toward the sound of Charredtail’s voice and sighs shakily. As glad as she is just to be around him, a strange, sick part of her brain elevates to a fever pitch of hatred—no, a more basic feeling: sheer aggression, a feeling that courses through her claws, which unsheath themselves despite herself and dig into the moss of her nest.
“Hornetstar? Are you okay?” Charredtail’s pawsteps approach slowly. “Is it bad today?”
“Getting worse,” Hornetstar grunts. It’s all she can do some days; feigning a lasting sore throat, she’d been making Fireflash host the clan meetings for the past moon and a half.
Charredtail stays still for a moment; then, Hornetstar picks up the soft sound of him crouching down next to her nest. He doesn’t touch her. He hasn’t for a long while.
For the thousandth time, Hornetstar’s pounding heart breaks in her chest. “What do you want.”
“I was just … I’m worried. I know Marshlily made it through, but …”
“Right.” Hornetstar curls tighter into herself.
There’s silence again from Charredtail, much longer this time. All Hornetstar hears is the screeching inside her mind: GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY GET AWAY! It rushes through her blood and seeps into every corner of her body, tightening her insides until she feels like she could break. She can’t get the image of exploding into a thousand bloodied pieces out of her head; somehow, it’s comforting.
The increasing pressure has her gritting her teeth and growling softly; lest she let it destroy her, she forces herself to choke out a confession: “I killed Cobaltshine.”
She’s not facing him, but she can tell that Charredtail’s jumped to his feet, tension in his scent. “You killed Cobaltshine!?”
“I didn’t mean to!” Hornetstar cries, and hauls herself to her feet as well, backing away toward the corner of her den. “I just—I just—” It was as much a part of her as her own breathing. She shouldn’t have been around Cobaltshine, not when she hated her so much, but … but … She’d seen the way Charredtail looked at her. “I just wanted to talk, I promise.”
Charredtail’s frightened gaze softens, but some edginess remains. Hornetstar can’t begrudge him—he should be scared. “I believe you,” he says, his voice only shaking a little. “But we need to get you help-”
“You can’t help!” Hornetstar squeezes herself partway into a crevasse between two tall gems. “Don’t you get it? This is going to kill me!”
“It didn’t kill Marshlily!”
“But Marshlily is- Marshlily’s …” Hornetstar closes her eyes tight. BETTER BETTER BETTER THAN YOU YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF FILTH WHY ARE YOU HERE YOU YOU SHOULD BE SPLATTERED ON THE—
“Stop!” Hornetstar wails, pressing herself impossibly further against the shining blue surface. “Get out of my- Get out! Get out-”
“Hornet, I’m not going to …”
“Stop it!”
The pressure is unbearable now. Every inch of her feels like it’s about to explode, especially her heart, beating erratically in her tight chest. How can she get this out of her head?
In a flash of crazed impulse, Hornetstar leaps from her crouched position, tight muscles screaming in elation at the release. Desperate claws dig into fur, aching teeth into the soft throat of her love. The tangy taste of blood floods her mouth as she rips into it, tearing out Charredtail’s windpipe in a frenzied jerk of her head.
Her brain is blank, devoid of rational thought, alive only in the bare physical sense. The only thing inside is the screaming—not words, just a deafening barrage of agonized wailing. Only when her muscles fall slack and her breathing slows does she realize what she’s done.
“Charredtail?” she whimpers. It’s futile, she knows. She doesn’t deserve to hold his name on her tongue, doesn’t deserve to form the word with her mouth—not when it’s coated in his blood. Time slows to a crawl as she watches blood from his mutilated throat, then speeds up dizzyingly. “Charredtail! Oh, StarClan, Charredtail …”
Knees going weak, she collapses onto the floor and presses her nose into his bloodstained pelt, chest heaving with sobs.
Marshlily’s voice echoes through camp from the mouth of Hornetstar’s den: “Everyone stay back! We’ll handle this. Just keep calm.” She has half a mind to tell her to relent in her attempts to protect her, to let the others to find her, stained with her mate’s blood, and do what they will with her. It’s what she deserves. How does she live after this? This time it’s all her when she thinks to herself, Maybe she was right. Maybe I should be a pile of gore on the stones.
Pawsteps approach from behind, and Fireflash’s scent hits her nose, then Marshlily’s as well. “Stay back,” she croaks, not turning her head.
There comes a wretching noise from behind her, then the sound of Fireflash’s voice: “Hornetstar …”
“Stay back!”
Marshlily’s cracking voice responds, “Hornet, it’s … okay …” The uncertainty in her words confirm Hornetstar’s own thoughts: nothing is okay. Nothing will be okay.
“No, it’s not.”
“It can be,” Fireflash says. “I can—we’ll fix it, okay, Hornetstar?”
“It’s not …” Hornetstar squeezes her eyes shut tight, trying and failing to take in deep, even breaths. Something occurs to her, then. Some way to make it better. Some way to atone. “Fireflash … I need you to …”
He takes another pawstep toward her. “What? What do you need?”
Mustering all her strength, Hornetstar sits up and turns toward Fireflash and Marshlily, her gaze weak with grief. “I need you to kill me.”
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