#[she’ll get her own account eventually but i am so very lazy]

[bb-drayster]

[image: a screenshot of a text conversation between drayton and someone saved as moonlight.

>yo, kal. serious question here

>Yes?

>would you still love me if i was a zombie

>Disgusting.

>A thousand times, no.

>A million times, even.]

everyone is so mean to me.

-🐉

[nymphigeon]

Roses Have Thorns

♡ Pairing; Jungkook x Reader

♡ Genre; Angst, Fluff, Fantasy!AU, Supernatural!AU, S2L, Student!Jungkook, Wizard!Jungkook, Angel!Reader, Demon!Reader, Student!Reader

♡ Warnings (for this chapter); Swearing, mentions of stabbing, an attack

♡ Rating; NC-17

♡ Words; 2893

♡ Summary; A girl forced to live in fear because of her own power. Even though she isn’t supposed to exist, she wants to live. She’ll just make sure that she breaks herself over and over until there is nothing left of her. He, of course, won’t let her.

Series masterlist

 Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three

Chapter Two

“Haeun? Is this yours?” You ask as you walk into your mansion’s private library. In the middle of the library stands a long table with chairs all round. Only one of the chairs is taken. “I found this glass looking thing in my room, but I can’t remember having anything like it.” You open the palm of your hand to show the item mentioned.

Haeun doesn’t look up from her book, but somehow still knows what you’re talking about. “It’s a regeneration crystal. As long as you keep it on you the crystal will heal all wounds until it’s drained of power. After that you can keep it as a pretty rock or throw it out if you wish. A gift from one of mother’s clients. We all have one.”

Despite spending her time reading a book, she couldn’t have looked more bored. You can’t read the title on the cover with the way she’s holding it, but if you had to guess it’s probably something college related.

“Why would they gift regeneration crystals? They’re crazy expensive and it’s not like one of us gets stabbed every day.” You look at the tiny crystal in your hand with a puzzled look. For the longest time these crystals were thought to be a myth. Something someone thought of while writing their newest fantasy thriller.

Everyone claiming they had one got called crazy and eventually, nobody spoke of them anymore. Too scared to be criticized by a large number of people, these owners of the regeneration crystals got silenced.

It wasn’t until a group of researches accidentally stumbled upon a small warehouse filled with the crystals that the supposed myth was proven to be reality. A few powerful witches had been creating them, hoping to be able to distribute them among those joining the military.

Back then the crystals weren’t nearly as powerful or small as they are now, but as a myth proven true all the tabloids were filled with the news. Obviously the researches saw money in the crystals, and instead of giving them to those that needed them for free like the witches wanted, they sold them off to those with power.

Needles to say the creators were angry and stopped producing them. Some say they still created the crystals in secret, giving them off to the ones they trusted as soon as they were done so nobody could selfishly steal them, though this was never confirmed.

It wasn’t until a few years later that researches found another type of witches who were able to make them. These individuals had a completely different mindset compared to the original inventors, and decided to team up with the researchers, creating the crystals to sell them.

Sadly, both types of witches that were able to produce these see-through stones slowly died out, leaving just a handful all over the world. The crystals got rarer by the day, prices skyrocketing. If you’re lucky you’ll meet a nice witch sometime during your life who will create you a free crystal. If not, you must be ready to pay a fortune.

“Should you really be talking though? If anything you need it the most out of us all.” She closes her book after placing a bookmark in between pages. “Nobody is trying to harm me Haeun.”

Your older sister never seemed to particularly like you, and you’ve never been able to find out why. Out of your three siblings, all older than you, she’s the only one who seems to hold a grudge against you. By now it’s almost an everyday occurrence, wondering why she was the only one that had to stay home besides yourself, while the others moved out when they finished high school.

“Because you’ve been protected by a stuck-up entitled brat your whole life.” She glares at you and pushes her chair back to stand up, clearly not wanting to be in the same room as you. “You’re lucky you’re mom’s child. She’s probably the only person who would go through such great lengths to make sure you’re safe.”

Being the youngest child, you’ve always sought for the validation of your older siblings. That worked two times, or more specific, it worked for the two twins in the household. Your 24 year old brother and sister adore you, always calling to make sure everything is okay back home. Haeun though, can’t seem to hold that same energy.

“You truly speak like a fully-fledged demon.” You do not wish to fight with her, still, you also can’t just let her get away with her words. Perhaps this is your own way of trying to show her that she hurt you.

“I’d like to remind you that your own mother and like half of your family tree is full-demon.” She seems to think your distress is amusing, happily replying to your insults. “You’re the only one whose personality matches one as well.”

Somewhere you were hoping she’d comfort you, apologizing for her words. “If I’m so bad then why is nobody hunting me down? Why am I not the one being protected?” You can’t do anything but look at the ground and stand there, not knowing what to say.

Haeun, noticing your lack of answer, walks up to you so she can deliver her following words right in your face. “You know, criminals aren’t supposed to be protected.” Walking past you, she gets to the exit of the room.

“I didn’t do anything.” Once again you’re trying to hold back tears. Why do you have to be such a cry baby? “Keep telling yourself that. Hopefully it’ll come true one day.” Is it her mission to make you feel as miserable as she possibly can?

“Is it so wrong to just want to feel safe?” You whisper, but her sensitive ears still hear you. “In your case, of course it is.” With that she walks out, letting the door fall closed behind her. With her she takes the little confidence you managed to build up for yourself.

The loud thud of something – or rather a bunch of things – falling wakes Jungkook up. Complete silence follows the sound, almost as if it was never even there. The still tired boy groans, rolls over, and gets ready to fall back asleep. It’s Saturday, waking up at any time before 1 pm is way too early according to him.

Just for a second Jungkook debates whether he should go check if everything is okay, but quickly dismisses the thought. Nobody is screaming out it pain, so it should be fine. Except if said person fucked up so bad that whatever fell instantly killed them.

Jungkook sighs and accepts the fact that he might be a teensy bit worried. He yawns, not caring to block his mouth, and sits up in bed. There’s not much his eyes have to adjust to, as the room is still completely dark thanks to his blackout curtains hanging in front of the windows. The curtains were hell for his basically empty bank account back when he bought them, but damn do they do a good job at keeping the light out.

He can’t tell what time it is, but his droopy eyes tell him it’s definitely nowhere near noon yet. Getting out of bed, Jungkook puts some socks on his bare feet. It’s no secret that their laminate flooring is almost always freezing in the mornings. There was even a time when Namjoon was sure some evil spell had been casted on their floor, doing his best to get rid of it. Needless to say, that didn’t go very well. Turns out no evil spell was on the floor, their bitchy apartment just loses heat really fast.

When Jungkook walks out of his room he calls out for the only other person living there. “Namjoon?” He squints at the light coming through the living room windows. Both Namjoon and Jungkook have their own room, so there was no need to get any curtains for the living room. It would just have been a waste of money, although Jungkook is thinking of buying some for his poor eyes.

Nobody answers his call. Did these things just fall on their own then? Jungkook is quite sure he doesn’t live with a pair of ghosts, so he shuffles a bit further into the room and calls out again. “Is everything okay? Where are you?” He raises the volume of his voice a bit, hoping that it will help.

He can’t help but lightly cringe at the way he sounds, having forgotten he only woke up a few minutes ago and his voice is still laced with sleep. “I’m here Jungkook.” This time Namjoon responds to the call from the kitchen.

Jungkook walks over to the kitchen to check on the current situation. “What happened? I heard something falling and-“ Abruptly stopping his speech, Jungkook’s eyes widen as soon as he reaches the doorway.

The kitchen floor is an absolute mess. Food laying everywhere on top of what seems to be a dozen of broken eggs, with Namjoon’s form desperately trying to clean at the side. “Wha- How did you…” It takes him a moment before he can manage to form a proper sentence, not sure if what he’s seeing is real.

“Why is there food all over the floor?!” Jungkook nearly screams in shock. Luckily none of his snacks ended up on the floor, having no need to be refrigerated. They are still safely tucked away somewhere in one of the cupboards.

“I wanted to take something out of the fridge without moving the rest in front of it, but as you see, it kind of failed..” Namjoon looks guilty. Not only did he throw hard earned money on the floor, he also woke his roommate up in the process. Two things he likes to avoid.

Jungkook internally face palms, but doesn’t show it on his face. “This is what you get for being lazy.” Although he probably shouldn’t be saying that, as he is usually the lazy one. Jungkook bends down to get a towel from one of the lower cupboards. Initially he was going straight back to sleep after seeing what happened, but he’d feel bad if he just left Namjoon alone here.

“No worries, I’ll help you.” He smiles at his friend, trying to somehow comfort him. “Thank you.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head out of embarrassment, before audible sighing. “I’ll go get the mop.” He lets Jungkook know before walking out. This was not how Jungkook imagined he would be spending his Saturday morning, but at least nobody got hurt.

“Eleanor.” She didn’t need to turn around to know who was standing behind her. Having heard his voice for years now, the sound is most familiar to her. Comforting, soft, caring.

“It’s getting cold, so I brought you a jacket.” Elenora smiles and takes the jacket her husband offers her. “Thank you.”

The temperature dropping hadn’t been on her mind, too deep in her own thoughts. She’s thankful for the garment, instantly feeling a lot warmer.

“What do you think of the flowers?” Elenora asks Minho right after he sits down next to her. “I planted them before my sister brought the kids over, since Juwon likes them.” A small smile is plastered on her face at the thought of her excited nephew.

“They’re pretty, I like them.” He feels her eyes on him and looks down to meet her gaze. Having been caught, Elenora quickly turns her head in the opposite direction. They have been married for quite a few years, but sometimes she still acts like a high school student having a crush.

“I’m glad.”

Silence follows. Minho wasn’t planning on staying outside with her, but now that he’s here he might as well enjoy the fresh air. Besides, something feels off, a pull keeping him next to her.

“Am I a bad person?” The silence get cut by an unexpected question. “Eleanor-” “I’m making sure that someone who shouldn’t have power, keeps her crown. At this point I’m just spreading propaganda.”

She sighs and rests her head in her hands, covering her face. “I’m trying to keep someone safe by helping those with ill intentions. Does that make me a bad person?” She isn’t necessarily looking for an answer, she knows there is none.

“I agreed to it. If that makes you a bad person then I’m one too.” Scooting closer, Minho takes her hands from her face, squeezing lightly. “Angels can’t be bad, that’s exactly what they’re known for, what gives them their name.” She lets out a sad sounding chuckle. Despite everything, she can find a little enjoyment in the statement.

“There’s a first for everything.” He smiles at her, stroking the back of her hands. “No one is ever 100% good, but I’d like to think you are.” They say love makes you blind, and maybe she is, but she doesn’t really care.

“Then you are too.” No hesitation in his voice. She isn’t sure what makes him say that, but she’ll believe his words for now.

“We’ll figure out a way to satisfy everyone eventually. It just takes time of course. I trust the story won’t end badly.” He isn’t sure how to comfort her or how to give her an answer. All he can do now is support her. “I do hope so.” She lays her head on his shoulder, hoping that perhaps all her problems will disappear if she just forgets about them.

Jungkook usually loves the fact that the stores in town are open until late. He can’t even count the amount of times he went out at night to restock the snack he ate during the day, thanking the Lord for the gift of convenience stores.

Right now though, he hates it. Had the stores been closed by now, Namjoon wouldn’t have pushed him out the door to do the weekly grocery shopping, and Jungkook could have still been playing the new game he bought a week ago to which he ended up getting addicted to.

Well he wasn’t really forced out of the door, more like Namjoon convinced him to go. Damn him for having an important appointment with his project partner. Who wants to do school work during the weekend anyway?

“I should have everything now.” He murmurs while peering into the plastic bag dangling from his arm, looking back and forth between its contents and the shopping list to make sure he didn’t forget anything.

Jungkook probably bought more ramen than needed, but as long as he didn’t forget anything it should be fine. Even though it’s Jungkook who does most of the cooking in the house, Namjoon isn’t scared to scold him whenever he forgets something. Ridiculous, It isn’t even his fault the fridge ended up empty.

Realizing he still needs one of the vegetables, he turns around, walking back to the store he just came from with sighs and curses leaving his mouth. All he wants to do is go home and just get this done. There is nothing likable about eggplants anyway, when will he ever use them to cook?

Luckily for him, he won’t need to go back after all. Though, giving your life for not having to get an eggplant may seem a bit much. Not that he really has a choice in the unfair trade anyway.

Jungkook’s steps are fast, arriving at the grocery store as soon as possible is the only thing on his mind. It’s not until the clock strikes 9 pm exactly that he is forced to stop, an incredible heat closing in on his spot.

Someone somewhere screams. People everywhere start running in opposite directions, blindly clashing into each other. A few trip and fall, crawling to safety between the legs blocking their path. Others faint, their heads not being able to make sense of what’s happening.

Nobody minds them, forcefully stepping on the bodies of those on the ground. With the way people are moving it won’t be long before the entire street is empty. It’s complete chaos.

Jungkook, still standing where he stopped, looks up at the sky, searching for the cause of all this madness. He regrets it instantly, having probably been off better without knowing what was about to end him. Nothing could have ever prepared him for the sight.

About to set fire to everyone and everything, a massive blue fireball is raging his way. The bag he was holding falls to the ground, his eyes widening. It’s not hard to guess who the sender is. Luna is still after him.

It’s like time suddenly slows down substantially. The fireball is still so far away, yet also way too close. A memory of Namjoon chanting an extinguishing spell flashes through Jungkook’s mind, but is all too soon forgotten. Maybe if he had actually paid attention at that time he would be able to save himself now.

Frozen with fear, his feet refuse to move. He can’t do anything. Shivering all over, Jungkook crosses his arms in front of him as a way to shield himself. Maybe if he can’t see anything, it will cease to exist. And thus he closes his eyes as tightly as he can, waiting for the burning hot impact. He had long accepted his fate. It’s over for him.

[ofcmckenna]

new york’s very own mckenna asher was spotted on broadway street in jimmy choo romy pumps . your resemblance to taylor hill is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being materialistic , but also devoted . i guess being a taurus explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be wrists covered in makeup swatches , a perfectly blended halo eye ,  and never being seen without perfectly manicured nails . ( i once made a fake account to expose information about myself just to get more followers ) & ( cis-female & she / her  )  +  ( lia , 19 , she / her , cst . )

hello , loves ! it’s me , lia ( i also play margo ) back again with another trash child that i’m hoping you’ll all love as much as i do <33 i first came up w kenna many years ago and haven’t had the opportunity to write for her in a long long time , so i’m really excited to bring her here ! as always , if you wanna plot go ahead and LIKE THIS and i’ll happily come love you down . if discord is more your jam , hmu there too @ 𝐛𝐛𝐧𝐨$𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥#1904 . love y’all !!! 💕💓💕

S T A T S ↴

-- * FULL NAME : mckenna sophia asher -- * NICKNAME(S) : kenna ( preferred name ), kenny , ken , mick -- * AGE : twenty-one -- * D.O.B : may 10th -- * ZODIAC : taurus -- * GENDER : cis-female -- * ORIENTATION : bisexual biromantic -- * HEIGHT : 5″7 -- * NATIONALITY : american ( has dual citizenship in america and wales ) -- * BIRTHPLACE : colwyn bay , wales -- * OCCUPATION : youtuber / makeup artist -- * TRAITS : devoted , ambitious , hard-working , materialistic , stubborn , patient , sensual , reliable , organized , possessive , imbalanced , attention-seeking

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

honestly i am........ too lazy to make this a nice bio so plz forgive me for settling on bullet points ,, but at least that’s less reading for you !!!!

mckenna’s father is from wales and works as a plastic surgeon for the rich and fabulous and her mother is from new york and works a beautician and stylist for celebrities . together they had 5 children in total , the kid in the very middle being kenna . the family spent most of her childhood living in wales before moving to new york just before mckenna started high school

all of her siblings are really talented . it must be in their genes or something to have an affinity for the arts . her older brother is in a popular band . her older sister is a principal dancer . her younger sister is an incredible painter . and her younger brother is like six so he’s still coming into his own but there’s no doubt that he’ll be a prodigy at something

and what about mckenna ??? well she tried following in her brother’s footsteps by learning a bunch of instruments but none of them clicked . after that she tried to take dance classes with her sister but it was clear to see that she had two-left feet . she could barely draw a perfect circle , so painting like her younger sister was out of the question too . eventually she tried to pursue an acting career , auditioning for tv shows and movies but never booking anything more than a handful of commercials

so she spent a majority of her life feeling pretty inadequate compared to her siblings . she just wanted to be good at something , anything really . and she wanted to be praised for it . luckily , she eventually found her thing . though it was sorta unconventional : kenna figured out that she’s good at makeup . it’s basically an art form in itself and since she had the time on her hands to practice , she got pretty good at it

she started posting her looks on social media , gaining a little bit of attention on her instagram and later even starting a youtube channel ( at the time it was called pinkglitter2234 bc she was like 13 and cringey ). doing makeup and making youtube videos was her new favorite pass time and pretty much all she did throughout high school . kids in her school started recognizing her as “the the girl who talks funny and makes youtube videos” ,, so that’s pretty cool ig

it really wasn’t until her senior year that her channel gained a serious following . by the time she graduated she worked her way up to 1m subscribers and just a few hundred thousand away from having 1m on instagram too . CRAZY . and since youtube had become a serious job to her that she wanted to continue doing , she figured that she’d take a gap year off just to focus on that and building her personal brand . so she moved out and got an apartment in the city , paid for all by herself ( though mommy and daddy’s money certainly helped furnish it with all her lavish stuff ) and got to WORK

that ONE gap year turned into a gap... three years ??? she never applied to university and honestly she doesn’t plan to anytime soon ! her social media career has never been more poppin’ tbh . she has like over 8m subscribers on her main channel ( now called makeupmckenna ) and just a little bit under that on her vlog channel . she’s had various partnerships with different makeup brands , colourpopcosmetics , morphe , and lancôme just to name a few . on her channel she also does fashion / styling videos , which has gained her attention from several brands that have sent her pieces to promote and invited her to see their shows at fashion week and whatnot . big money moves basically !!

okay now for her secret : basically ,, kenna is hard-working don’t get me wrong , but she’s also obsessed with increasing her following and is willing to do anything if it means signal boosting herself and becoming more successful . so basically , at one point she made a fake account that posed as one of her “haters” “exposing” her-- and since no publicity is bad publicity , it got more people talking about her and following her . she even made a sob story youtube video in response to the “hate” she was getting and the rumours that were sparking because of it . the account has since been deleted but that doesn’t mean that the screenshots of the rumours aren’t still circulating the internet . it’s been a few years since the “scandal” but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t get talked about from time to time

P E R S O N A L I T Y  &  F U N  F A C T S ↴

personality-wise : kenna is a sweetheart ! at least on the outside ! like she lowkey has selfish motives sometimes when it comes to gaining online popularity , but outside of social media she is genuine and goofy and a good friend i swear . would give you the designer clothes off her back if you’re close to her . also affectionate because she’s from a big family that actually has a healthy relationship with each other ( minus kenna’s minor jealousy she used to harbor as a kid... she’s kinda grown out of it now as a young-adult who’s successful in her own right ) so she loves to love . super materialistic though . loves shiny things and owning the newest trendy stuff . definitely thinks that money can buy happiness and she’s super stubborn so you cannot convince her otherwise . loves attention , will do just about anything to get it but if it doesn’t fit her “pristine girl next door” image then she’ll have to do it in secret . and since she has made a name for herself as being “innocent” , she doesn’t party too much . just not a big fan of that lifestyle

just bc she never went to college DOES NOT MEAN that my girl is dumb  .. she actually likes to keep learning new things by constantly reading and trying out new skills . she’s v much a jack of all trades but a master at none . minus her ability to beat her face and talk to a camera lol

she’s fluent in both english and welsh , and used to have an accent when she was younger but has since taught herself to sound super american . she thinks it makes her more appealing idk

very family orientated and keeps in close contact with her siblings and parents despite the fact that they live all around the world doing their own things

has collabed with loads of famous peeps not just for youtube videos but getting to do their makeup for gigs . she’s gotten to a point in her career where she’s able to bridge the gap between influencer and professional artist y’know what i mean ??

loves dogs . has a dog named tate who frequently makes appearances in her posts :)))

consumes an unhealthy amount of caffeine daily

doesn’t know how to drive . doesn’t even have a license or anything and who knows if she’ll ever learn tbh

she’s bisexual but has only come out to her close friends and family . hasn’t outwardly said anything to her following but they can probably make assumptions considering who she’s been seen getting close to . like it’s not a big deal to her , she likes who she likes , but also doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business besides whoever she’s dating / sleeping with at the time

W A N T E D  C O N N E C T I O N S ↴

EDIT : i have in fact made a wc page so peep that here if ya want ! xox

[starsandamorphinetoast]

So I am a very prideful person and try to avoid asking for help because it literally haunts me forever, but I am in perhaps the most dire and emotionally distressing circumstances I’ve ever been in. 

Cashapp: $indy330

Venmo: @indy330

I’m currently living with my mom. I’m 21 and moved six hours away and was struggling to find work that would give me hours in the college town I was living in.  Next to nobody was hiring and the four jobs I did get in the eight months I lived there didn’t give me hardly any hours.  My mother encouraged me to move home, and yet ever since I got here she has done nothing but manipulate me and belittle me and tell me I’m a nuisance.  I have two cats.  I haven’t seen them in weeks because they are living with a friend of mine at the moment.  My mom made me keep both of them in the closet sized room with one litter box, food, water, and no stimulation.  Then she would scream at me when they made any noise in there or scratched at the door.  I wasn’t allowed to have them out because they might damage her house, so there was no way for me to keep them from going stir crazy.  I couldn’t justify letting them live like that so I asked around and found them somewhere for the moment even though I’ve literally not lived away from them for more than a week at a time since I got them.  

Financially, I am in considerable debt.  About $9,000 in debt, not including the loans I took out for the one semester of university I even was able to go to university.  During that semester, my car I’d had since I turned 16 which had shown no signs of struggle completely broke down while I was visiting friends in my hometown.  The repairs were more than it was worth.  We scrapped it.  Because I had no money and no way to get back up to the mountains where I lived, my mom said she’d buy me a used car.  I was of course grateful.  But also terrified, because I knew exactly why she would offer something like that; to hold it over my head.  She bought me a car for about $4,000 that I fell in love with, and I wish I didn’t love it because it has been nothing but trouble.  Within the four or five months that I have had this car, I’ve had three flat tires, eventually just replaced the fourth one because I knew what was coming.  The ABS/Traction control system was shot and they had to replace the entire system, as well as completely replacing the brakes.  Just that stuff was about $1,500.  The other day my car broke down on the side of a secluded highway.  And guess who’s motor has to be replaced?  Yeah, it’s gonna be another $3,000-$4,000.

Here’s another important thing about my mom.  She is a textbook narcissist.  Everything is about her and always will be.  If I have a meltdown over all the shit that has crushed me this year, she calls me melodramatic and says me living here is making her life a living hell.  I’m also playing a guessing game as to what is ok and what isn’t, because she is never consistent.  I work 11 hour days and then go drive Lyft until 5AM?  I’m working too much and not spending enough time with my family.  I’m home for longer than five hours?  I’m lazy and refuse to work, and I get yelled at for sleeping all day.  For clarification, the only time I sleep all day is when I’ve been working and have been awake until the early hours of the morning.  When she first bought me the car, she said I shouldn’t worry about paying her back for it.  Now she is asking me how I plan on paying her back for it and it’s repairs.  “You owe me around $9,000 and you’re only working one job, I just wonder how you’re going to pay me back.”  On top of that there’s my own debt.  On top of that there’s living expenses, food, gas, etc.  On top of that I need to save some money up so that I can move out of here as quickly as humanly possible.  

So the fact of the matter is that I’m living in an impossible situation with a woman who is trying to make me think I’m insane and stripping me of anything that brings me happiness.  I’m 21 years old and have been living on my own for three years and now I have a curfew.  I can’t have people over past a certain time.  My parents only leave the house from 9am-5pm, and their bedroom shares a wall with mine.  I don’t have a lot of options for having people over, but even the ones I do have (i.e. staying downstairs/outside and whispering) they will yell at me over.  My mom told me the other day that it’s my fault that my younger sister is depressed and addicted to drugs.  She comes in my room without knocking, unannounced.  She goes through my stuff when I’m not home.  My already high heart rate is even higher because I’m constantly anxious.  I can try as hard as I can to do everything right and she will still find something wrong, and then cry hysterically about how I’m impossible to live with because I left a box of crackers on the counter.  She tracks my purchases through my bank because the account I opened when I was 16 is connected to hers; if I close it she will harass me for “being secretive and disrespectful.”  She’s also insisting on putting a tracking device in my car or else next time I’m stranded somewhere she’ll “just let the phone ring.”   I’m in a worse mental, emotional, and financial state than I’ve been in my whole life. 

Literally anything will help.  I know everyone is struggling to a degree right now, and I don’t expect anything from anyone, but if you can and want to, any amount of money will help me be able to start saving to escape. 

[vesperlionheart]

Let's Meet At the Witches' Gathering - SasoSaku

Sasori watched in muted fascination as the puppets pulled on the chains connected to the woman’s wrists. It was so unusual to see his grandmother’s puppets employed in such a way. Chiyo was an older woman and not nearly as fit as she once was, but it looks like she went out hunting.

“It’s the last time, hopefully.”

Sasori turned to see the wrinkles around his grandmother’s mouth tug in a familiar grin. Her eyes were hidden in shadow, but he could tell where they landed. She was watching the woman the puppets brought in just like he was.

“Last time what?” he asked, playing dumb.

“Don’t act cute, it’s unnecessary,” Chiyo snapped. “You know what I’m talking about. This was the last time I’ll have to use my puppets.”

Sasori nodded slowly, and then stilled. “Why?”

Chiyo did her best to bend only enough so she was level with his eyes. She touched his shoulder and pointed the her puppets. “That woman there, the one in chains, she’ll take my place and protect this home.”

In his heart something rubbed the wrong way. His parents were supposed to protect his house. Mom and dad were supposed to come home to keep them all safe. Chiyo could do it when they were busy, but they didn’t need an outsider. They told him his parents weren’t coming back but he wasn’t sure what they meant by that. Mom and dad would always come back for him. Anyone else was unnecessary.

“I don’t like her.”

Chiyo cackled. “She probably doesn’t like you much either, brat. You think those chains are for decoration. I fought tooth and nail to get her under like that. I needed help in the end, but that’s not important. Her magic is blocked and she’s as good as can be like that.”

The puppets stopped outside the door that lead down to the basement cellars. Some were stocked with food, others were barred in with metal to keep livestock penned. If she was in chains that was probably where they would take her.

The puppets had to pause at the door while one of them undid the locks and lifted the latches. In that pause, she flexed her wrists and turned sharply, glaring over her shoulder up to the higher levels where Chiyo watched on with Sasori. Her eyes flared with magic that made them bright enough to see the color of, even from so far away. Her eyes were emerald fires that hated him to his core, he could tell.

The puppet tugged on her chains and she turned, snarling. Sasori watched as she dug her heels into the ground and pulled back with all her might, stripped of all her magic and as feeble as any other human. She was valiant in her efforts, thrashing and kicking when another puppet picked her up off her feet. She bit at what she could and tried her damnedest to get away. They tugged her down and he watched as she caught the edge of the doorway, nails digging into the doorframe. She held fast and it made Chiyo annoyed enough to flick her wrist and give the puppets a new command. It kicked her in the face and Sasori watched as she tumbled down the stairs to the cellar.

“I don’t think she wants to be here.”

Chiyo laughed at his simple words, reaching out to ruffle his short red hair. “You think so? What gave it away, the kicking or the screaming?”

“Why did you take her? She’s not going to help us.”

“She will if she wants those shackles off. Plus, she was too useful to ignore. Her talents were going to waste. I told you of the hidden villages, didn’t I? She was from one of the fallen ones.”

Sasori paused, recalling the stories his mother would tell him before bed, only to be interrupted by Chiyo inserting all the dramatic and tragic details. The hidden villages were where wizards, witches, sorcerers and magic kin of all sorts trained and worked until the purge. Government officials didn’t trust organized armies that they couldn’t understand, so all the witches were burned.

The last hidden village fell almost a hundred years ago, (eighty nine years actually,) but Leaf was one of the first to go under.

“How can that be? She doesn’t look that old!” he exclaimed. She had the smooth face of a woman just leaving her teenage years behind.

“I told you, she’s a witch. How old so you think I am, brat?”

Sasori’s excitement paused to answer in the most dull monotone possible. “Older than dirt.”

Chiyo cried out and slapped the side of Sasori’s head. “Petty brat. See if I ever do anything nice for you after this. Just for that I’m not introducing you to her for another eight days.”

“Why would I want to be introduced to someone like her? She hates us and I don’t care about someone like that.”

“Don’t lie, you’re interested in learning about her immortality, aren’t you?”

“Th-that’s it though!”

He flushed, knowing that he had been found out. His grandmother already knew about his fascination with things that couldn’t decay, like her puppets. Chiyo herself was over two hundred and forty years old, but the coven she had been born into weren’t known for their unending youth or long lifespans. Those from the land of whirlpools and leaves were more long lived than others.

“Keep to your studies and learn your manners. She’s not going anywhere anytime soon. A week or two in the dark and she’ll be in a better mood to discuss terms for cooperation.”

“Can’t you just make her do your stuff for you?”

Chiyo stepped away from the railing and Sasori moved as well to follow her back inside, out of the noon day sun. “I could compel her to move like my puppets, but not even I with all my powers can bend the will of another. That’s something saved for lesser witches, but we need not rely on their magic of the mind. No, if she has the right incentive she will put even my abilities to shame.”

“I don’t think you’re going to get her to do what you say.”

Chiyo laughed. “We’ll see.”

Sasori hated a lot of things, but few things he despised as well as waiting. He didn’t wait Chiyo’s eight days, but snuck down on his own after the first four, knowing it would be the easiest day to slip away on account of all his absent tutors. Few and fewer were trekking out to their estate in light of the marauders from the black waste.  

The puppets were gone, but the bolts on the doors were still there. He undid then enough to get through, and left each door partially ajar behind him. The first few rooms were filled with foods and salted meats to last them through the winter. Chiyo’s dried herbs hung from the ceiling, far out of reach.

Deeper in, and to the right curve in the cellar’s floorpan, metal bars began to show up. Sasori passed three different pens for livestock before he reached the forth one. Unlike the other three, this one wasn’t empty.  

Chiyo had called her Sakura, and he guessed that had something to do with her hair, and the story about her coming from the village hidden in the leaves. She looked like a cherry blossom tree out of season, limp across the thin stray, one arm draped over her eyes while the other hung in the air, held taunt by the shackle that connected her to the wall.

She didn’t stir when Sasori approached, and he wondered if that was because she didn’t hear him. He hadn’t been trying to be extra sneaky for her, only when he snuck in the first time.

He waited maybe a whole minute more, but when she didn’t move he grew annoyed. There was a stray stick on the floor across from the cells that he picked up to hit the bars with.

“Hey you, wake up!” he called. “She said you name was Sakura, so get up.”

Her arm slid up off her eyes, but the look she spared him was just as bored. “Why?” she rasped, voice dry and cracking.

“Because…because I’m here! Don’t you know why you were brought here? You’re going to protect the manor and the little lord, that’s me!”

Sakura eyed him up from toes to crown and then let her arm drop back over her eyes. “Unlikely. There’s no way someone as smart as Chiyo the Sand Witch would make so bad a mistake. Go away and leave me to sleep, boy.”

Sasori colored at her tone and clear dismissal. He didn’t care what she thought of him, but he was upset she had such poor taste. He was well born and an important person to the desert valley. His family owed the aquifers that made survival possible in the barren wasteland. People he didn’t even know respected him more than she did.

“My name is Sasori, you should remember it.”

“Not necessary. I’m not planning on staying here that long.” She shook the arm still chained to the wall. “She knows that too. I might have been outsmarted once, but her magic is still weaker than mine. Eventually I’ll be free. She can worry about what I’ll do to her then.”

“You sound like a wash-up.”

She was still for a while before opening her eyes again. They weren’t bright with magic like they had been the day she was dragged in, but Sasori could tell they were still free, even in the darkness.

“What’s a wash-up?”

“A has-been. Someone who’s no good anymore. You sound like a lazy, bloated old windbag that blows on an on about how great they are.” He waved his hand dismissively at her. “My grandmother is far stronger than you know.”

“Sure, doesn’t change the fact her magic is non combative.” Sakura settled back down into the hay, resting her arm over her eyes. “I give it another four days. No use remembering your name.”

“It’s Sasori.”

“See, I’ve already forgotten it.”

“You’re terrible, I can’t believe she thought you would be worth anything. I could probably protect this estate better than you.”

She snorted into her arm. “That’s very likely, seeing as how I wouldn’t lift a finger to help.”

“Once my parents come back we’re going to throw you out.”

“Great, thanks for that. Wake me up when that happens.”

Sasori wouldn’t admit it, but he felt a small part of his heart where his dreams were kept pinch and blacken. He had dreamed so often of the tales of heroes from fallen covens like the one hidden in the leaves. The stories of the hidden villages had enthralled him from cradle to knee. The woman in the hay wasn’t supposed to be so lackluster. Chiyo must of made a mistake. There’s no way the woman was from such an amazing place.

“Were all the other witches from the Hidden Leaf so pathetic? It would explain so much if this is all they amounted to.”

Sakura didn’t stir but Sasori felt like lashing out even more.

“It was a stupid place filled with stupid people, jut like you! I’m glad it’s not-”

The chain links were still clattering to the floor, some in broken bits, as her hand reached through the bars and yanked him up. Sasori smelled her flesh burning as Chiyo’s seals held fast. Her flesh was melting off in globs, but her strength didn’t waver.

He was eye level with her now as she held him up off his feet. “You don’t know anything, brat.”

Her hand was around his throat and with all the strength she had to break chains his scrawny neck was barely a challenge. He thought she would. She had the eyes for it, blazing with green fire and crackling with gold lighting.

But she dropped him and he landed on his feet, falling backwards when his legs gave out under him. His whole body was shaking in a way he couldn’t control.

Sakura pulled her hand back through the bar, bleeding and burned as it was from finger to wrist. She eyed it critically, not even flinching at the blood and gore of it. Her unmarked hand came up, glowing with green light and she used that light the teach her body the way of mending. Sasori watched transfixed as she reversed the damage, pulling blood veins back into place, sewing stitches of skin back together until they covered all the bones in her hand.

A minute later her hand was as good as new and she looked none the worse for it. Sasori knew other wizards could get winded from the simplest cantrips, but she wasn’t a wizard and she didn’t even seem phased.  

He tried to make words, but they felt limp off his lips, ruined by the fear his body still suffered. “Y-y-ou-you…”

“Go, boy. I’m tired of hearing you antagonize me.”

She turned away from him and stood in the place above the hay, watching the far wall with a dead look in her eye. It was like she had turned herself off to the rest of the world and retreated into some far place in the far reaches of her mind. Her hands were fine and the shackles were a mess on the stone floor, but she still looked dead-faced.

“Sasori!” It was the only thing he could manage to say. “My-my name is-is Sasori!”

Then he ran out of the cellar as fast as he could.

Before the eight day when she was supposed to make her escape and when he was supposed to be allowed to see her for the first time, the south wall crumbled under the heavy body of a Goliath scorpion. It was the easiest way for the desert marauders to get in.

Chiyo had the servants run to the far places while her puppets surged to meet the attack, but with her ten skilled puppets, she could only manage the humans who trickled through. The giant scorpion was still roaming free.

Where were his parents? The could take care of the marauders and the giant scorpion together!

He climbed up high, looking down at the chaos below. Chiyo’s gardens were on the lowest floors, but her lab where experiments and poisons were concocted where all done in the tower where he hid himself.

The scorpion was right below him and it was turning, reaching for the base of the tower’s foundations. Twisting upwards it began to climb and Sasori scrambled for the miles and containers, looking for something that might help. He remembered which ones burned and ran back to the window’s ledge.

It was halfway up when he dropped the syrup that caught fire when his match landed in it. The scorpion slipped, but as the fire spread over its body it continued to climb, making up the ground it lost in stride.

“They’re impervious to fire, even mine, kid.”

Sasori jumped at the sound just over his shoulder. She stood there, leaning against the window with a bored look on her face. She was still as much a mess as he remembered her, and she smelled like desert and sweat.

He wanted to ask how she got out, but didn’t bother. If she could break her own shackles after four days she could probably break those bars after another four.

She turned and looked down at him instead of the monster creature. “Where are your parents? You said they would be here to protect you.”

Her tone wasn’t mocking, but bored. It made his face pinch as he thought the answer, but refused to speak it. He didn’t tell her about the bodies Chiyo brought back, or the two new puppets she made out of them. He didn’t tell her about the limits of life and death he hated. He just cried.

Parts of the tower crumbled and shook but she knelt down next to him, as calm as before, and watched him sob. A shadow stretched over the window as the scorpion’s body swelled beyond the frame’s limits, passing them over.

He trembled, scampering away as the body moved back enough to make room for the tip of a giant pincer. Sakura didn’t move as the pincer was too wide to reach her. The frame strained and wood shattered in parts, but the stone held, bound with magic as well as mortar.

“You can’t deal with these guys using fire. It’s pretty, but not nearly as effective,” Sakura said, finally standing. She sighed and turned her face to the window where the scorpion struggled. “Just watch kid, I’ll show you what my village was known for.”

He didn’t have time to ask what as green magic bloomed from a mark on her forehead and her whole body shifted as black lines leaked from the seal on her forehead down her arms and legs. The looked like thick black lines, but Sasori could see the layers of incantations upon layers of incantations overlapping from years of spell work. Her magic changed and shifted her body into something else.

Sasori stood to back away as Sakura approached the pincer and grabbed the tip. With a shove she sent it flying out the window, and he could see how the rest of the scorpion body almost followed its momentum as it slid down the tower. Sakura jogged to the edge and then fell, folding one foot behind the ankle and folding over. She tumbled right into the body with her fist raise and the thunder from her impact sent shockwaves for what felt like miles.

Sasori was knocked off his feet as the scorpion was shattered into pieces she fell through. When she landed the marks on her body were thicker and growing. Even from so far away he could see how magic leaked through her eyes like the stray tongues of fire. 

Parts of her body burned with crackling gold magic as she raised a hand and burned alive a pair of marauders who weren’t wise enough to flee when they saw her handwork with the scorpion.

Transfixed, he watched from his tower as she channeled two veins of separate magic with perfect balance, defying limits he had always believed in. Her hair was a rose colored flame around her face as more and more of the enemies fell under her feet.

His throat felt dry.

Sakura used her spells to chase down the last of the would be invaders, sparing them little mercy when they begged for their life.

Eventually, she found Chiyo in one of the many useless parlor rooms inside the main building. She was nursing a bruise on her forehead and sipping something that smelled like chamomile but likely wasn’t anything nearly so innocent.

“You’re getting old,” Sakura huffed, reaching out to heal the bruise.

“I’m still your elder, little girl. Show some respect.”

Sakura pulled her hand back and then reached for a footstool to perch on, ignoring the other enormous armchair. “What happened to the boy’s parents? The lord and lady of this house are dead, aren’t they?”

“Both, yes. You don’t deserve the details.”

Sakura’s lip curled but she didn’t bite back in the sarcastic tone she had perfected from years alone. All her friends and family were long gone, and she was left behind with their memories and the secret to a cursed kind of immortality. If she had known her regenerative spells would take over like the weeds they were she might have elected to die out with the rest of her peers. It would be easier than living alone for over half a century while the last child died in his bed, wrinkled and gray. She wasn’t used to being kind like she once was. It wasn’t in her nature to be soft anymore.

“I’m not fond of children.”

“Liar,” Chiyo barked. “They adore you.”

“Not the same thing, and also not true. I left yours unsupervised in a tower, what does that say about me, huh? I can hang around for a handful of years until you figure something else out, but I’m not committing my life to anything. Your grandson might turn out to be someone formidable one day. Until then…I guess I could stay.”

“It’s really too much trouble to travel from this point,” Chiyo admitted. “Nothing but desert for daaaaaaays. You’d be bored out of your mind before you reached the nearest town.”

Sakura groaned at the woman’s sing song voice. “No wonder you’re constantly invaded. What else is there to do?”

“It’s necessary for my experiments. I need a radius of safety.”  

Sakura waved her hand and gold magic sparkled, enchanting a nearby teapot to pour for herself a cup of black tea. A stick of cinnamon stirred itself into the mix along with the spices and milk before cup and saucer floated to where she sat.

“I’ll need my own space, and not just a single room, I mean space for my own experiments. Give me a corner of your gardens to use on my own,” Sakura said.

“A corner, no more.”

“And access to your own experiments.”

“Never!”

Sakura chuckled, taking a sip. She wrinked her nose at the dull temperature before gold magic  made the tea steam once more. “That sounds like a ‘yes, as long as I don’t catch you’ to me. I’ll take it.”

Chiyo cackled. “Insufferable girl.”

“At least I didn’t scheme for all your protective wards to fall apart at the exact time a giant scorpion and seventeen wash up bandits from the desert found your fortress in the middle of nowhere.” Sakura shot the older woman a look of bored disbelief over her tea. “Classy, Chiyo, very classy of you.”

“I don’t take half measures to get what I want.”

“No, you don’t, do you.” Sakura looked over to the doorway where a miniature shadow still clung to the doorframe. “It’ll be interesting to see how much of that gets passed down.”  

[sw4tch]

((Another vent post i found in my drafts. This one is pretty bad, very Suicidal. Glad I don’t feel like this right now, but reading my past emotions makes me sad.

To cheer me up, I’ll add Annotations to disperse these bad thoughts for future me))

it’s not fair it’s not fair

she fucked me up while i was a child, took my father’s side and took her anger out on me when i was so young, and me, right now, when i take my anger out on her then i’m the bad one, i’m the worst one, i’m the one that ruined her life

I know i ruined her life, that’s all i’m good for and i ruin everything

but when i do it, i don’t deserve my apologies to be taken

even though she has NEVER apologized for anything in her life, never to me, not when she hits me, not when she hits me on accident, not when she makes me cry

BUT I’M THE WORST ONE, i am the worst thing that could have happened to her

I am the Monster

without a will to live and with a dream to be left alone to die

I hate it

I HATE GOING TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE AND WANTING TO DIE BECAUSE THEIR FAMILIES ARE SO NICE TO THEM, AND NICE TO ME

SOMEONE WHO’S INTRUDING AND BOTHERING THEM, ME

“You’re always welcome here” always feel like a stab through the heart

Because it makes me feel wanted and i hate that, admit that i’m a bother and you hate me and that you think i’M UGLY AND DISGUSTING AND THAT I’M THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME

I’M FULL OF DISGUSTING FEELINGS AND HATRED AND I’M UGLY AND TOO FAT AND TOO BIG AND TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE AND I SMELL HORRIBLE AND MY FACE IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE EXISTING BECAUSE MY MERE EXISTENCE BOTHERS OTHERS

(( Oh Snaily of the past, you wrote this after going to a friend’s house and it made you feel happy. Why can’t you accept that? People do like you, they love you. Your friend wanted you to live with them at some point remember? People genuinely like you. Being a burden sometimes it’s okay. ))

I apologized to her because i knew yesterday was my slip up. Can’t let her know i hate having her in my life, that she reminds me of everything that’s wrong in my life, that she’s one of the reasons i’m so suicidal

Gotta pretend, as always, that i’m the good “Daughter”, the Good Child, the Golden Child

so i did. But she immediately cried and said something about how she’s sacrificed so much for me and that if she took control of my bank account it was for my own good and hers, and that i am an adult already, i should already know how to take care of myself (i know, i know) and that i can’t go out into the world by being such a toxic person that disrespects the hand that feeds her (i know, i know) that kind of thing doesn’t fly when you have a job (god, i know)

She didn’t accept my apology, said i went too far. That some things can never be forgiven (how funny, shoot me, shoot me, shoot me) and that i really fucked up, because she’s the only one that has looked out for me, she’s the only person in the world that doesn’t deserve my anger (i cried in this part, cried out of anger and frustration, how dare she not know)

“You can’t take your anger out on people, i thought i had thought you better and that you were a smart child. Weren’t you talking about being kind yesterday? You can’t be a hypocrite”

i cried. she’s right. ([Be a good person, that’s all.] i tried, i try, but i’m a horrible person that’s full of hatred and that will eventually hurt their friends. i’m sorry, my life isn’t my own. I can’t be who i want to be)

I’m a hypocrite. I want to hurt and maim others, i want to feel justified when i do, i want to feel good when i hurt others, i want to be validated in my sorrow

(( Your anger is the part of you that loves you and wants people to treat you right. You’re not monstrous for that. Also she literally lied to you here because later on she didn’t do any of her Threats, your anger was justified. Snaily, remember you’re the Abused here.

I know you feel violent sometimes, but you don’t really want to hurt people. You just want to protect yourself ))

That’s the abuse cycle, isn’t it?

My parents hurt me in different ways when i was a child, they cursed me, so now i’m cursed to turn into a monster at the sight of moonlight and rip my friends limb from limb with my fangs

I’m cursed, i’m cursed, and i’ll hurt anyone that i see vulnerable enough to take my bite

and i don’t want that

I’ve talked about it, haven’t i? How i don’t want to be a monster

Ali said i wasn’t. But Ali won’t even talk to me anymore because she probably realized i’m a weird creep that idolizes too much and gets obsessed with people that treat them right in the slightest. She won’t talk to me because she realized that maybe i am a monster.

(( Ali stopped talking to you because life happened! It’s not that deep. Sometimes friends drift apart. Hopefully she still thinks fondly of you. As much as you think fondly of her. People drift and leave, it’s part of life. It’s okay. ))

So i keep thinking, that i can’t let myself hurt anyone else. My mother brought it up today (”You’ll just end up hurting others, don’t you see?”) But i do see, mother.

So i have to be the one that kills the monster. A dead beast can’t kill or maim, can’t pass on the curse of abuse if they’re dead.

It always gets this bad, i always want to die, and when i try to be a good person it becomes evident i’ll never be

I’m too full of hatred for that

I think i’ll be safe once i get out of here, of the hellhole, but that’s a silly illusion isn´t it?

You can take the child out of the hell hole, but you can never take out the hellhole out of the child

not with therapy, not with a good environment, not with a good life, not that i deserve one anyway

A beast will always be a beast

An abused child will become an abuser

And a bad person can never try to be anything else but that

(( You’re not a bad person for feeling miserable, for feeling angry, for being hurt and having these big Big emotions! That might be your possible BPD talking. Therapy would really help you, never ever doubt that your life would be better once you leave this bad environment and get proper treatment ))

----------------------------

I keep thinking about how pear seeds can be toxic if you eat enough of them. Have a grinder at home, can make my own suicide dust, put in my own food and we’re done, happy end, happily ever after.

Don’t have pears. I hate pears.

I keep thinking about how in a robbery, people are desperate enough nowadays to shoot me dead if i refuse to cooperate

I’ll refuse to cooperate, i will and then i’ll be dead. Happily ever after, and the bus will get up and cheer

I’m a coward. How would that work

I keep thinking about how to make someone kill me. Roadkill. But how? 

Should put my life up on the dark web, someone must want to pay for the Thrill of Killing a Living Person, i’d give them that, i’d be good for something for once

These all all just sweet fairytales, aren’t they? The fantasy that it won’t hurt or that it won’t be my fault when i’m dead and people get inconvenienced by it.

I wanna be roadkill, explode into million of pieces, picked up in bags by some poor bastard that just wants to go home instead of touching dead flesh. 

Then i will sleep. And rest. And my back won’t hurt. And my longing and heartache won’t be there anymore.

I lost my will to live a few days ago. Because i missed a presentation out of pure anxiety. Of feeling like a failure.

I’ll tell you a secret, the feeling of failure has been with me ever since. It haunts me, because i know, this time, it’s real. I was supposed to be better, be a good hardworker, not a lazy piece of shit.

Being lazy doesn’t feel good for me, it makes me realize i truly am mediocre.

(( Being mediocre isn’t a crime you know. You don’t have to be exceptional. You just have to be you. And be gentle with you. I’m sorry you felt suicidal. I love you ))

---------------------------------------------------------------

My mother said that 6 months after i graduate, that’ll be all. After that she’ll be gone and not support me economically anymore.

That i brought this onto me.

That’s what i get, for slipping up.

(( This is again manipulation. She never goes through with it!!! She’s just manipulating you, trying to keep you under her thumb!! It’s okay Snaily. You’ll be okay. You don’t deserve her gaslighting and manipulation. But you need to know you’re being wronged, even if you’re not in the right sometimes ))

I deserve that.

Six months. I’ll never get a job and i’ll continue to be a failure and i would have wasted everyone’s time.

That’s all i’m good for.

Six months. That’s nothing. There’s not enough jobs. And i’m not talented enough to get a job so fast. I’m no one, and i’ll always be. 

Talentless hack with a diploma, that would be me.

six months. That’s good. That’s good. I deserve it. It’ll force me to grow. Or sink.

Oh, i’ll sink. 

I’ll sink. While i watch my friends fly away onto jobs i wish i had, because they had what i didn’t:

Talent, A Will to Live, A Future

while i sink.

That can’t be too bad. When i say this, i honestly feel good for them in that scenario. I’m not bitter, not against them anyway. Because I love them, and love should never be about jealousy, should never be tainted with that.

Because that’s not love. True love is wanting your friends to grow and become the best version of themselves. I really want that for them.

I’m just sad i can’t do the same, because of me and me only.

Wonder how expensive a gun is. Maybe i will get a job. Save enough for one and some ammo. Then boom.

Talentless hack no more.

Maybe i can get two guns, fire them both at the same time, one for the mouth, one for the top of my head. 

Flawless execution.

And then i’ll get to see my grandpa, finally, again.

(( He’d be sad to see you in such circumstances. He loved you. As much as you loved him. He’d want for you to live a long fulfilling life. You can do it. Just wait a little longer. You’ll get out of here. I swear. I’ll hold your hand the whole way through. I love you. I love you. I love you ))

[christinamirabilis]

Question thingy cos I’m procrastinating going to bed which I will be heavily regretting at 7:30 when I have to get up for class but yolo

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  I don’t really use any of them tbh, like, I like to have all of my music in iTunes/on my phone - but if I ever stream music it’s actually normally on YouTube.

is your room messy or clean?  Right now it’s very messy, I was supposed to clean it days ago but I’m lazy.

what color are your eyes?  Blue.

do you like your name? why?  I’ve always been indifferent to it - or, really, it’s that depersonalised feel where I tell people my name is Christina and I answer to Christina but when I start to think about it, say it out loud slowly and mindfully, it feels like a foreign object in my mouth.  So I try not to do that because that’s uncomfortable as fuck.  But anyway, yeah, indifferent, but ever since I learned about Christina Mirabilis and how much she has come to mean to me, it’s better, like, it feels like fate I guess.  If such a thing exists, which is another thing I am ambivalent about.

what is your relationship status?  extremely single so if anyone wants to take one for the team and date me, that would be swell.

describe your personality in 3 words or less?  neurotic, means well.

what color hair do you have?  purple

what kind of car do you drive? colour?  sadly I do not have a car, but I do have a scooter, it’s silver.

where do you shop?  like, as in where do I buy my groceries?  Haha lmao but honestly this is so vague.  Bitch I’m poor and fat, I shop anywhere where I can find something that doesn’t look completely hideous and that my card won’t get declined trying to buy.

how would you describe your style?  see above.  Would like to dress way cooler than I do but lack of money, and - more importantly, since thrift shops are a thing when you’re skinny - being fat.

favorite social media account? Tumblr I guess, even though it’s often incredibly frustrating, because Facebook is a shitstain on the fabric of humanity and I don’t have Twitter and rarely use Instagram.

what size bed do you have?  double.

any siblings?  little sister, she’s 25, lives in Melbourne.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  somewhere that is perpetually warm, where I can speak the language well enough to practice as a clinical psychologist, but still in a big city - I’m thinking either Sydney or Queensland, or California.  South of France would be fucking lit too, I guess I know enough French that I could become fluent with total immersion.  Anyway, I just want to be warm year-round, seasonal depression always kicks my ass, I fucking loathe being cold.

favorite snapchat filter?  fuck man I don’t know, I don’t remember the last time I used a snapchat filter.

favorite makeup brand(s)  depends on which type of makeup, I have different favourite brands for different products.  But, generally, cheap, I guess.  Although my two favourite makeup items are an eyeshadow that I got from Topshop, and a Makeup Revolution highlight.

how many times a week do you shower?  most days.

favorite tv show?  that is a really difficult question, I have so many favourites.  Right now it’s Game of Thrones, obviously.  But I think Dollhouse is possibly my all-time favourite TV show.  And right now I’m watching Vikings, which I’m fucking loving, just finished the second season.  Although HONESTLY I don’t give a fuck about Princess Aslaug, when the fuck are Ragnar and Lagertha gonna get back together because Lagertha is my fucking bae.

shoe size?  normally 7 or 8 in NZ sizes, or 38EU.

how tall are you?  5′2″ of pure queer fury.

sandals or sneakers?  docs.

do you go to the gym?  lmao.

describe your dream date?  I’ve done this before but basically - luxury version with the girl I’m in love with involves long extended holiday wandering around the Mediterranean and just having lazy days of eating and napping and swimming and having sex and exploring and shopping. Other than that, I just really love to go to an outdoor bar on a warm summer’s afternoon and have sangria or margaritas or wine and antipasto or tapas, and just chill and chat, and maybe have a sneaky cigarette.  just, like, yeah.  perfect.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?  none, I don’t carry cash most of the time.

what color socks are you wearing?  grey with black polka dots, with a rabbit on each, they used to have pom poms on them for the rabbit’s tale but they’ve long since disintegrated.

how many pillows do you sleep with?  I sleep on one pillow but I have another one on the other side of my bed.

do you have a job? what do you do?  I am a supervisor in a bookstore.

how many friends do you have?  I don’t know off the top of my head, I’m not inclined to sit here and count them.

whats the worst thing you have ever done?  taken my pain out on my own body rather than directing my anger at the people who hurt me.

whats your favorite candle scent?  I don’t know but Sophie got me this Limoncello-scented one from Bath and Body Works in Vancouver but it’s humungous and heavy as fuck so she couldn’t afford to send it to me but I hope maybe when she eventually comes back she’ll bring it with her because I think that would be my favourite scent.

3 favourite boy names?  I don’t know, honestly, I don’t often think about boy names, I guess cos I’m fucking gay as shit so boys never cross my mind in any capacity.  But I like Elliott.  But I also like that name for a girl so idk,

3 favourite girl names?  I have heaps but the first three that spring to mind are Anneke, Rhiannon, and Sinead.

favorite actor?  don’t know tbh.  Probably Harrison Ford as Han Solo, cos he’s my son.

favorite actress?  a hard choice but Emilia Clarke is the one I crush on the hardest so yeah idk.

who is your celebrity crush?  who ISN’T?  I swear I’m in love with half the women in music and film.  Emilia Clarke is a big one, obviously, but also at the moment I’m crushing mega hard on Tash Sultana.

favorite movie?  I don’t know, I’ll just say Amélie because that film never fails to cheer me up.

do you read a lot? what’s your favourite book?  I do read a lot, and I have no fucking idea.

money or brains?  In a partner?  Brains, I guess, although that’s very subjective, given Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences - I guess it depends on what you value.  I, personally, value emotional intelligence.

do you have a nickname? what is it?  Stina.

how many times have you been to the hospital?  Uhhh.  I don’t know off the top of my head, and I probably can’t count accurately because there are a few admissions that I just straight up don’t remember.  At least 10 times, I would say.

top 10 favourite songs?  nah, that’s too hard.

do you take any medications daily?  yeah, I take sertraline (anti-depressant), prazosin (alpha-blocker - for PTSD), and birth control (for PCOS).  I also take magnesium and vitamin D because they’re both fucking lifesaving tbh.

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)  I don’t know.  All I know is that it never fucking does what I want it to.

what is your biggest fear?  The people I love dying, especially my close family.

how many kids do you want?  more than one but no more than three.

whats your go to hair style?  down.  I always wear it down.  I have a pretty large side-undercut, so.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  The house itself is really big, it’s an old villa, but it’s divided into two flats, we’re on the bottom floor.  It isn’t huge, we have a tiny lounge, a slightly-larger-than-average kitchen, and average-sized bathroom/laundry - but our rooms are all fucking humungous.

who is your role model?  my therapist, my old high school guidance counsellor, my friends.

what was the last compliment you received?  Owen said my hair looked good today.

what was the last text you sent?  it was a really long Facebook message to the girl I’m currently talking to, we’re going on a date on Thursday, I’m excited.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?  Idk, I figured it out pretty young, I was a bright kid.  Maybe five or six?

what is your dream car?  I don’t really know.  I like 70s muscle cars but honestly at the end of the day any car is a good car.  Plus, practically-speaking, I would like something that is kind on the environment, an electric car or a hybrid.

opinion on smoking?  I think that it is something people do when they need something to alleviate a distressing situation.  It’s no secret that smoking is more prevalent among the poor and the mentally ill, as well as those with high-stress jobs.  I am an ex-smoker who relapses one or two times a year, the last time I had a cigarette was early April.  I sometimes start smoking again when I am not doing well emotionally or if I’m really stressed (eg during exams).  And I don’t like it, it makes me feel tired, it makes my throat phlegmy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me stink of smoke, and it is fucking expensive, but it meets a need.  So my opinion is that I don’t like smoking, but sometimes it has a hold on me that I can’t resist, and I have the utmost compassion for anyone who smokes.

do you go to college?  yeah, I’m in my last year of my undergrad.

what is your dream job?  clinical child and youth psychologist.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  inner-city suburbs - far out enough to still live in a free-standing house with a garden, but close enough that I can walk to the city, or be there after a short bus trip. That’s the situation I live in at the moment and it’s perfect.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  No, because I’m a snob and only like to use my own shampoo and conditioner.  But I don’t see anything wrong with it, since you’re paying for them.  Taking appliances and dressing gowns and towels, however, is not acceptable in my opinion.

do you have freckles?  Not really.

do you smile for pictures?  Sometimes but I hate having my photo taken so it always looks strained.

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  Not that many at the moment, I just did a big dump of photos onto my laptop, I like to do that from time to time so my iCloud doesn’t run out of space.

have you ever peed in the woods?  yeah, and on the side of the road, and once behind Sophie’s house when her flatmate was taking a really fucking long time in the shower and I desperately needed to pee.

do you still watch cartoons?  nah, but only cos they’re not my cup of tea, absolutely no hate.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?  I’m a vegetarian.

Favorite dipping sauce?  see above.

what do you wear to bed?  pyjama pants and an old t-shirt.

have you ever won a spelling bee?  no, they’re not a thing in New Zealand, but if they were I would have fucking cleaned up - not to blow my own horn or anything but I am a freakishly good speller.  It’s kind of a not terribly useful skill though, and doesn’t say anything about my level of intelligence.  Just like my weird propensity for memorising numbers, even if I haven’t used them in 10 or 15 years (like my NCEA student number, and the mobile number for the cellphone I lost when I was 14).

what are your hobbies?  netflix, napping, and memeing.

can you draw?  nope, not even a little bit.

do you play an instrument?  yeah I play the violin, and I can also play piano, and I’m a decent choral singer, and I was once an okay percussionist, and I am a below-average guitarist, and an abysmal flute player.  But those last three were self-taught so yeah.

what was the last concert you saw?  The Veils BUT I’m going to see Sigur Rós on Friday and I am dying of excitement.

tea or coffee?  peppermint tea.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?  Dunkin Donuts, but not for the coffee, I just really like donuts.  Plus we don’t have Dunkin Donuts in Wellington so it’s a huge novelty for me when I get to have them, I’m almost as excited about getting Dunkin Donuts when I fly into Auckland on Friday as I am about seeing my favourite band live haha.

do you want to get married?  Yes.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?  I don’t currently have a crush.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?  No but I will consider hyphenating if that’s something my wife wants to do.

what color looks best on you?  black I guess.

do you miss anyone right now?  I kinda miss Soph but these days I’m just starting to, like, I don’t know.  Adjust.  Which is nice.  Realising that the way things worked out is for the best, because otherwise I would have been in for a lot of misery.  Even though Sophie is a wonderful person whom I love and care about a huge amount.  Apart from that, I miss being close to Nic, because she is like a sister to me, and I wish that we lived near each other so we could support one another.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?  Closed.

do you believe in ghosts?  No, but I could be convinced to change my mind with enough evidence.

what is your biggest pet peeve?  People with bad manners, it is really not that fucking hard to say “please” and “thank you”?  I mean, I’m talking in a work context here pretty much, customers can be so fucking rude.  And the rude ones are all, without a single exception, baby boomers.  So... yeah.

last person you called?  Owen.

favorite ice cream flavour?  I’m not really an ice cream person but I really like Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, that’s another thing I’m super looking forward to when I go to Auckland.  If it seems like I’m obsessed with food, it’s because I am - but I am especially obsessed with getting all of the bread and sugar I can into myself in the next week because next week I’m starting the keto diet and I’m dying a little inside just thinking about it, I really fucking love sugar and bread.

regular oreos or golden oreos?  regular.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?  rainbow.

what shirt are you wearing?  t-shirt with very thin stripes.

what is your phone background?  beyoncé in the formation video.

are you outgoing or shy?  depends on the context, but mostly shy.

do you like it when people play with your hair?  yeah.

do you like your neighbors?  I don’t know them but they seem nice in passing.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?  always.

have you ever been high?  yes.

have you ever been drunk?  yes.

last thing you ate?  cheesecake.

favorite lyrics right now?  eh.

summer or winter?  SUMMER.

day or night?  Idk I like both, it depends.

dark, milk, or white chocolate?  milk.

favorite month?  January.

what is your zodiac sign?  Aries but I don’t believe in that shit.

who was the last person you cried in front of?  Either my therapist or Owen and Autumn, I can’t remember.  Possibly both, I went through a stage of pretty much constantly crying a couple of weeks back lmao.