#{ to see what it means to be happy -- grian // yhs } | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ooooo-mcyt · 3 years

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For real though watching yhs has lead me to the conclusion that despite Grian seemingly has such an active fight instinct....most of the time he actually doesnt respond to situations with half the fight attributed to him.

When faced with a traumatic situation Grian will absolutely bare his teeth at the nearest threat. He's absolutely vitriolic towards Sam at all times without fail and has even initiated physical violence in their confrontations once or twice. He's often on edge, often quick to angry outbursts, just overall rather hostile when faced with a dangerous/frightening/harmful situation. Which definitely indicates his main response to these scenarios is to fight. Hard.

However the more I engaged with fanon the more I faltered. A lot of fanon does portray him as very hostile in the face of trouble. Which should make sense. Canonically Grian knows when to say no, when to argue, and even sometimes when to physically fight back. Any episode with Grian present will likely have examples of him pushing back against harmful situations. And yet something always feels very Off about that being the start and end of it in a lot of fanon. Which led me down an interesting line of thinking.

I honestly suspect that Grian's volatility and will to fight back isn't nearly as strong as one would believe from observing him on surface level. In fact, his on the surface hostility feels like it's borderline a facade altogether to be honest.

I mean look at examples throughout canon of Grian in distressing situations.

Yhs halloween episode. The one where Taurtis got stabbed. And the following situation where Grian is famously forced to dress up like Taurtis. Grian would later be very upset about Sam stabbing Taurtis, however his initial response was to nervously laugh and even give Sam appeasing praise. I mean, Grian says "you weren't supposed to stab him" pretty clearly, but he anxiously laughs before and afterwards and even tells Sam he's proud of him when prompted. Obviously Grian was very upset about the whole thing later on after taking Taurtis to the hospital however in the moment he's mostly silent and when he's not he's just nervously laughing throughout, even agreeing with whatever *Sam* says when he's outright prompted by name for an opinion, then when everyone else tries to play it off casually Grian actually goes along with it almost entirely, even agreeing to let Taurtis drive him home for some reason. Then, according to his own story, he had an opportunity to talk to police at the hospital and he didn't incriminate Sam. He knew they were supicious of *him* but he still didn't incriminate the actual killer. "I told them I found him like that" Grian alleged. Honestly it sounds like he didn't tell them much of *anything* before being released and making the walk back to meet Sam. The next morning Grian was significantly more vocally upset about Taurtis being stabbed and expressed being upset with Sam however he seemed significantly more anxious than he was angry throughout the interaction. Then Grian immediately pretty readily agreed to go with Sam and Yuki to school and willingly put on the Taurtis outfit before the other's even started with the threats in the name of making things 'less awkward'. He certainly objected, however he was once again a lot more anxious than angry, nervously laughing, coming up with really weak unimportant excuses, and agreeing within ten seconds of being asked. Pretty much the rest of his time dressed as Taurtis goes very similarly. He objects to most things he's told to do and brings up Sam stabbing Taurtis multiple times despite the other's not wanting him to but is primarily nervous rather than hostile and he never actuslly puts up enough resistence for it to stick. Even when the other's were stuffing plastic down his throat and he told them he thought it may kill him Grian still did it and told the other's he *liked* it when pushed. Eventually he got out of it by running on Rowan's command and no sooner than being told to get out of there. When Sam found him again Grian immediately even reverted back to doing as he was told and cowering away from him in obvious fear up until Okami and Rowan showed up and shoved Grian behind them. Then he *still went home that night* knowing Sam would be there. When they found Taurtis it was pretty clear that Grian was hoping Taurtis would help him once he got his memory back however when instructed to stop telling Taurtis who he was Grian for the most part did aside from subtle pushing about the familiarity of certain things and then later when Taurtis got his memory back and made it pretty clear he wasn't going to help Grian? Grian conceded. He spent a good few minutes arguing about everything he'd gone through- everything they both had- and insisting it wasn't okay but when Taurtis made it pretty clear he wasn't going to do anything and they collectively agreed Grian was the real problem? Grian kinda...stopped. When Taurtis made it clear he wasn't going to be helping, Grian just kinda fell back into their normal routine with the other's, and when Sam demanded an 'apology soda' from Grian for what he'd apparently done, Grian bought it for him saying "If that's what it takes for things to go back to normal".

Let's also look at Grian's involvement with the law during/shortly-after the Halloween situation. When Sam and Yuki dragged him to join the Yakuza he was upset and objected anxiously but caved as soon as he got pushback. When Sam wanted to steak from the Yakuza he once again got objections from Grian who nervously insisted that it was a terrible idea but once again Sam shoved aside Grian's complaints and once again Grian just kinda fell into place despite being upset. When the police also started threatening the trio's lives to work for them, Grian objected. He questioned if they were allowed to do that and was very openly not happy about any of it, however he very quickly submitted under pressure. Both times Grian was locked in solitary confinement he loudly protested his sanity and both times he voiced how disturbing it was on a really deep level being locked up like that but both times when he was let out he just went with the other two again and let them brush it all off- even knowing full well they let him out to be *death fodder*. He just went with them relatively quietly save for maybe a token remark or two. Honestly the large majority of this bs Grian was involved with was under physical threat and he almost always bent under it. Even down to his fight with Pie over Ellen. Pie showed up and started challenging their relationship. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki insisted they have a knife fight. Grian said *no*. Pie said yes. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki affirmed there would be a knife fight. Grian objects more. Everyone else present discusses how the knife fight will work. Grian gets stabbed. Grian suggests they just ask Ellen who they want to date *obviously*. Ellen chooses nobody and leaves. Grian was upset but then just kinda accepts it and goes on with what the whole group was doing before.

And just to round this out with one more example. The Starwars Cosplay Incident. Apparently Sam burst into Grian's room, undressed him, shoved him into Leia Cosplay complete with fake boobs, and locked him in the basement for three days. Grian sits there for three days until Taurtis rescues him. Grian has a moment of being rightfully very angry and finally even tries to physically attack Sam, demanding to know if Taurtis is aware of what Sam did to him and insisting that they can't expect everything to be fine now. Except it kinda...was. Taurtis stopped Grian from attacking Sam, they both brushed it off as a joke and not a big deal, and then they went to school. And Grian just *went*. He walked with the other two, he wore the outfit Sam put him in, and he just kinda moved on. Grian would later object when the clones tried to pull him out of class, snapping that he just wants to learn and get an education like a normal person and demanding to know why he's not allowed to. But he goes! And when he's released he walks right back to Sam and Taurtis, makes some bitter remarks to them, and let's them shove it all aside as if it's unimportant. Later when it's Grian, Sam, and a member of school staff alone in the closet, some innapropriate remarks are made to Grian. He very quickly says he's reporting the remarks made by school staff but Sam tells him not to be rude and it doesn't seem Grian ever does. Later on when Geode makes a comment about Grian's outfit as well Sam and Taurtis start pondering *giving* Grian to them. Grian repeatedly said *no* but with a lot more despair than defiance and we don't even know if he'd have actually followed through with fighting back if they'd tried to actually give him away because they were interrupted before the situation got to that point. Grian once again just let the other's move on as if that didn't happen and continued following them around, though! And he wore that damn outfit he was very explicitly uncomfortable with. All day.

Which is kinda all to say that when it comes to fighting back Grian is a lot more bark than bite.

Grian throws out a lot of bitter remarks, makes his objections very apparent in most things, and even has more than one vitriolic rant to his abuser(s) throughout the series. But that layer of his responses to things is so fragile that it tends to fall away within minutes- if that, sometimes *seconds*.

Of course ive seen other people take note of this and argue that it means Grian actually *wants* to do these thingd he's objecting to but I think that's silly. If it were just things like group crime or violent acts then id possibly see it but Grian puts up the same kind of response to having plastic shoved down his throat and to being locked in the basement for days which there's no way in hell he was any kind of okay with. The more likely scenario here isn't that he secretly wanted to do any of these things and made his resistence weak so he could pretend he tried while still doing it.

The likely scenario here is that his fight response is much more for show than one would think. Because Grian's strongest most influential response to things really never seems to be to fight. Aggression is really hardly Grian's overall stance on handling a distressing situation.

Much more frequently you see the most influence coming from completely other instinctive responses.

Looking for outside help in adults, friends, and classmates like when Okami and Rowan protected him during his time dressed as Taurtis or when Grian tried desperately to get Taurtis to be on his side and help him after Sam seriously hurt him both when Taurtis first got his memory back after Halloween and when Taurtis found Grian in the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident, hell, even during his fight with Pie it can be argued that Grian calling for them to just ask Ellen was an appeal to outside help as he hoped Ellen would agree to end the fight and save him from the situation as a result.

Running away- or trying to at least- from the threat. Most notably seen back during the halloween incident when he quite literally ran out the back of the gym and hid from Sam+Yuki then hiding behind Okami and Rowan when they showed up in an attempt to flee from Sam which is how he got away from the other's at all during that situation. Grian's consistent need to exclaim every so often how much he wants to go back to Europe is a subtler example of this, though, of Grian's urge to get away.

Honestly though being quiet and moving as he's directed seems to be the most common winning response. You see little sparks of reaction from him but most of the time Grian is just quiet, nervously laughing, following Taurtis and Sam around in what they ask of him, and even outright appeasement strategies to maintain a calm environment. This is So common from Grian. This is what usually wins out. His quiet nervous laughter and agreeing with Sam when Taurtis is first stabbed. The fact that he didn't tell the police what Sam did when alone with them during questioning and then immediately walked to meet up with Sam and went to school with Sam+Yuki with literally no objections. The fact that he didn't say no like *at all* to putting on the Taurtis outfit in the name of not making things awkward and complied within seconds of first being asked. How he proceeded to do what he was asked all day and didn't make any move to get away until Rowan outright instructed him to run. The fact that he went back! The fact that he went along with it when they joined the Yakuza and when they stole from the Yakuza and when they joined up with the cops and when they *forced him into a knife fight*. How Grian eventually just lost his spark of defiance after Taurtis first got his memories back and made it clear he wasn't helping Grian, with Grian agreeing to buy Sam a fucking *apology soda* if it meant things would go back to normal after hearing everyone else agree that *he* was the problem in all he'd been put through. The way he just goes back to following Sam and Taurtis after they got him locked in solitary confinement on blatant lies because they *wanted* to. The way he walks around school with the other two while wearing cosplay that made him feel gross and uncomfortable that Sam had literally physically forced onto him and just went along with what he was told in the end.

Grian always puts up a fight but not a good one. He makes side comments, he makes objections, he even has more than one emotional rant about the hell he's put through, however this never wins out in the end and this presenting fight is very frequently just barely holding down much stronger freeze and fawn instincts that usually win out pretty damn quick.

Which!!! In a situation like Grian's it actually makes significantly more sense to have strong freeze and fawn responses than to have a strong fight response! I mean, think about it. A fight response is primarily useful in scenarios in which it's possible to take strong action to remove the threat. You're attacked by a dog so you throw stuff at it till it backs away. You're picked on by an upperclassman so you punch em' in the nose expecting fully that they'll leave you be after. Someone attacks you while you're walking home so you try and stab them with your key. Fighting is an incredibly good response for random/one time attacks. If you're ever kidnapped you wanna scream and punch and kick and make a scene so they can't take you to a secondary location. You fight. Fighting is optimal for unexpected stranger conflicts. That's not the situation Grian's in though. Grian suffers from serious long term physical, emotional, and financial abuse. He's in a country he doesn't have residency or family in, he doesn't have a readily available source of income, he doesn't have his own mode of transportation, it seems that most of the time he doesnt have a clear way home, he's often dealing with long term friends of his and seemingly his biggest source of support prior to this situation, even back in Europe he doesn't have much support system to run to given his parents canonically left him, he's frequently under threat of physical danger, etc. This is not the kind of situation in which an intense primary fight response helps. This is the type of situation in which an intense primary fight response either gets you seriously hurt or wandering the streets with no way to provide for yourself. It would likely be similar if he presented an intense primary flight response to be honest. In long term abuse situations where there's no rational way of escaping safely or no rational place to escape to? Often the primary responses that promote survival are fawn and freeze. Appeasing the aggressor or sinking into the background. Those are your ways to stay alive when you can't expect to 'win' or escape. It absolutely makes more sense for Grian to have primary fawn and freeze responses than a primary fight response.

But then why does he present so much hostility? What's with all the bitter remarks and the attempts to voice objections and the occasional overt insults/screaming? How does a fawn/freeze response present as fight when first pressed at?? Well fun fact, I have experience with that kind of presentation because I *was* that kind of presentation. Oh boy did I try to push strong fight responses towards my abusive father with token resistences and petty remarks even though most of the time I crumpled under the slightest pressure and spent my time ignoring the problem or dissociating or trying very hard to avoid future conflicts. You put up a token front of fight even if that's never going to be your primary response for the sake of your own mental health, really. To assure the world- and *you*- knows that you don't *want* this situation. So you can say you tried. Out of some misguided hope that your attempted bravado won't be seen through and that maybe this time they'll just stop pushing instead of calling the bluff. Which. Makes sense with Grian as well. I mean looking at the times he really truly goes off before reverting back to a more appeasing stance, most notably his rants from when Taurtis first got his memory back as well as from when he got out of the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident. Most of those rants were taken up by Grian loudly and passionately reiterating what he'd been through, insisting he was the victim, and calling Sam an awful person before the defiance fades out and he becomes more willing to just go about their day. It's one attempted push hoping the other parties present will vie in his favour and a reassertion that he's not okay with this and that *he* is being hurt which gives way within minutes to a much duller attitude. That's just a painfully familiar format. Adding on Grian's token objections/passive aggressive remarks to many situations that distress him and how quickly those objections give way as dismissed by others. That kind of behaviour feels strongly like an attempt to preserve your own mental wellbeing as much as possible with the knowledge that you tried to some extent and with just generally hearing out loud that you are the victim even if from yourself. Grian's behaviour just really feels like a facade of defiance to cover up general helplessness which makes a Lot of sense for the scenario. Probably more than just plain defiance would.

#yhs #yandere highschool #yhs grian #long post

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spruce-button · 5 years

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A Scraped YHS Fic

I put about an hour into writing this altogether. I didn't have a plot for it at all and didn't know what i was gonna do with it. I then made a plot for another fic that would have cancelled these 1300 words in five seconds so I'm not going to work on this anymore. I thought about deleting it but figured that someone might want to read this and it could be a intro into my writing. Sorry for any mistakes, I wrote this on my phone. So here you guys go.

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Prologue

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Grian was just visiting. He was going to leave as soon as he could and didn't plan on visiting again. He had things at home to deal with. Yet he went back and got stuck. He couldn't leave now. He was to blame for all of this. Grian had to help Taurtis.

Or was he Taurtis?

It doesn't matter. He had to help the person he was supposed to be. He didn't care what he had to do to help everyone he could and fix things. He had to get rid of Sam.

Oh did he love hearing Sam's bones crack everytime he was pushed off the ladder and he loved watching Sam crawl around the school.

Grian won't ever admit it, though.

It was quite refreshing to see after hearing the blood hit the ground after Rowan was stabbed.

He'll forget about it at some point. Well, he hoped he did.

Grian's throat was burning and he wanted to die. His throat was closing up around the sharp plastic he was swallowing. His tears were pouring into the cuts on his cheeks and into his mouth. His tears tasted better than the plastic and stomach acid.

He hadn't eaten anything other than plastic and stale, crumbled chips in weeks. He was desperate for anything else. Grian was going crazy and he wished for Rowan's help. Or anybody's validation. Maybe just a carrot.

He felt so frail and useless. He was nothing.

And you better not forget that.

He was pressed up against a wall again. This one was so much colder than the one in the kissing shed. It was in a house he didn't want to be in and he was hearing voices he didn't want to hear. This wasn't right. He deserved it, though.

"What's up with Taurtis? He's so weird."

"I don't know, dude. He's been acting so weird lately. I think he's gone a bit crazy."

They would start laughing later. It was a little too much for him. He couldn't move himself from the corner. His hands were shaking and he couldn't feel his hands. The plastic hurt so much.

Grian's heart was racing by this point and his vision got sharper. He rubbed his eyes, they stung. He was so tired.

He woke up to Sam kicking his foot. His back hurt and he wasn't registering what Sam was saying to Jerry, but he got up anyway.

He never wanted to wake up.

In his dreams he felt safe. There were people who still cared for him and gave him proper attention. It was in a world that didn't exist and where he found people he loved. He had friends there.

At some point during the day Sam had swung his arm around his neck and squeezed a little too hard for a little too long and he developed bruises. Okami was concerned when they got to school and told Rowan, but they didn't do anything. Ellen took him home and helped him. That was enough for now.

He sat next to his girlfriend quietly. She didn't really talk and Grian had no reason to. She gave him some sort of warmth and he loved her but it wasn't enough for him. He would never tell her. He had no right to tell her what he wanted when she had been so kind to help out while the adults did what they could from afar. Sam ruined his life and he couldn't take much anymore.

Silly visited him the next day when Sam and Jerry disappeared. It was comforting knowing that there was someone else there for him. With each day he was becoming more like her and she seemed to be more open to him. That was also nice.

She brought kind words with a kind voice and apologized on her parents' behalf, they hadn't been there for him much after Rowan was stabbed. It was too dangerous for the family. Silly assured Grian that they were getting someone to help him. Someone who was more capable of protecting and comforting him. He was glad. He wouldn't have to deal with Sam much longer.

When Sam and Jerry got back they were off. Sam was irritated and Jerry seemed upset, which scared Grian immensely. He was scared of what would happen to him.

Jerry went off to bed but Sam stayed up. He said that he needed to spend some alone time with his best friend.

"Taurtis you are making our new friend feel unwelcome and I don't see why you have to go and do that." Sam's words were simple and terrifying, Grian has heard them so many times yet they keep on getting worse with each passing day. He constantly thought about them and how they were affecting him.

"I don't mean to." They had a script now, the conversation would usually end like that. With Grian's half apology and Sam going to bed, but Sam sat down on the couch.

"I'm going to need more than that Taurtis. It's not enough. You're absolutely worthless." That he was.

"Well-I I am having a hard time. This is a little much for you and you won't admit it." Grian didn't know exactly what to say exactly, Sam broke off of the usual script. Grian was thinking for himself at that moment and he felt like he had crossed a line.

"Taurtis, I'm going to need you to try a little harder you're being a terrible friend and your not acting like yourself, go and eat your Toritos."

Grian was lost. He needed to go home, to his actual home he left with his parents and back to his cat that he missed so much. He was forgetting what it was like to be happy or be with someone who he cared for and each conversation pushed him further down the rabbit hole. God did he miss his cat.

He wanted something good from this place. He wanted at least one good memory that wasn't tainted in blood soaked sand or manipulation. He knew that was too much to ask for. It was hopeless.

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Chapter 1

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Taurtis' sweat bands were starting to get sticky and smelled absolutely terrible. Grian's wrists were too small for them and definitely not made for him. He didn't fit them but Sam made sure that he'd grown into them.

Grian was bothered that he couldn't think for himself, so he thought about it constantly. He was in high school, he shouldn't have to worry about abuse from his friend's, he should be worrying about who he was going to hang out with next or his girlfriend that he hasn't been able to even look at for a week. It got so bad that in the few breaks from his thoughts he would wonder if she actually existed. Surely the girl he liked with the purple hair and one less eye was real, right?

Ellen was one of the only lights shining through the blinds in Grian's mind. He couldn't not have her. She had to be real. But she wasn't and he now knew this. He was alone.

Silly helped out, though. She gave him support and soft laughs. It never lasted long.

Oh God he was stuck down Sam's rabbit hole and it was getting deeper and darker every day.

There was no Taurtis to help him anymore.

The concrete started to hurt Grian's feet after an hour of walking around town with Sam, Yuki, and Jerry. Yuki had been trying to get sam to buy her food for ten minutes now and Sam had surprisingly been ignoring her squeal and whines. It gave Grian a headache from his place behind the three so it must of been so much worse up ahead.

Yuki eventually gave up when Jerry asked Sam if they could go to the manga shop. She knew there wasn't any good food around the manga shop and the only snacks were JerryKats and Toritos and she refused to even look at the things. If Grian had the choice he wouldn't go within ten meters of either but he didn't.

He tried his best not to pay attention to what Sam was saying anymore, it was all useless or aggressive and hurt people who were hearing in and he didn't want to be hurt anymore. Today, though, was strange. He couldn't help but listen. Grian didn't know exactly why but it was probably Sam' glances around the area when they would pause their walk or the strange panicked changes in their route to downtown and the random cuts through people's lawns.

"I swear to god someone is watching us, Jerry. I bet Taurtis back there is trying to do something weird, let's ditch him." Sam whispered something else to Taurtis and they ran from him. He was too frail and exhausted to run with them but he still tried to catch up, he didn't know what he'd do if they left him. He failed miserably and eventually lost his footing and fell into a bush in front of a small store.

Grian sat there, confused and dizzy. His lungs hurt and refused to get up. He much rather sit there full of dread than die in the middle of an alleyway he'd eventually pass out in if he continued.

His skin became raw and red from and the tiny scratches made by bush twigs and his shirt tore. Sam was going to kill him.

A few people passed by the half asleep Grian before Okami found him and called for her husband. Rowan came and helped Grian to the school. It was safer than Sam's house. Grian couldn't go back there for a bit in his current state, he needed to be patched up and to at least sleep in a chair instead of a room corner.

Grian had gone to sleep and Rowan left to go make actual food for him as Okami watched him. She had always felt terrible for leaving him at Sam's house and not helping him and she knew Rowan did too, it was just too much for Silly and they needed to protect their daughter. They did what they could for the time being and tried to get anyone to come help them. It was very difficult.

Grian slept for a very long time. Rowan's food had gone cold and Okami had to leave, but Rowan stayed, he failed Grian once before and couldn't do it again.

The morning was better for Grian.

#yhs #yhs grian #yandere high school #minecraft rp #samgladiator #angst #angst fic

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