#‘i’m hurt’ was the most courageous kind of sucker punch

[sadhours]

“I look for love in all the wrong places”

prequel to wicked sensations

a/n: this is my present to you all for 300 followers!!!! Thank you so much for enjoying my series. i hope i dont make y'all too sad with this one

word count: 3.7k

warnings: 18+ minors dni, messy Billy, sad billy, abuse mention, addiction, underage drinking, drug use, cocaine, marijuana, brief smut, Neil, homophobic slurs, sexism, angst lots of angst. This was sad to write.

masterlist (i accept requests)

taglist: @blue-eyed-lion @bbyhargrove @sweet-villain @actuallyspencerreid @trapistani @sierrahhh @likeanimagepassingby2

Fingernails stained yellow from nicotine, Billy brings yet another Marlboro Red to his lips while Jennifer pours him another another shot of Jameson. He’s been here every single night for the past three months, the days bleed together but he’s under the impression he’s having a good time. Every evening folds out the same way and Billy likes a rigid routine. The liquor goes down without so much as a wince, the fiery sensation spreading down his throat and over his entire body. A comforting, numb warmth that’s become his most favorite feeling. In fact, Billy couldn’t go a day without it now. There’s a necessity to it, some might call it an addiction, but Billy thought it made the beatings guaranteed to him more bearable, therefore it’s a form of protection. Getting sucker punched by his dad didn’t hurt as much when he couldn’t feel anything.

The next bit of routine was also made certain by a woman double his age cornering him every night. Not usually the same woman, but always one old enough to be his mother. They’d all kind of bled together, dyed hair, heavy makeup and the same pickup lines. Are you old enough to be in here? or What’s a young handsome man like you doing alone in a place like this? And Billy would accept their advances every time, looking for attention anyway he could get it. Sometimes he wished he didn’t like compliments. The way these broads looked at him and talked to him made Billy feel powerful.

Tonight was no different, a woman he pegs to be roughly 40 situating herself between him and the jukebox as he’s flipping through songs.

Turning on the charm, Billy smirks, “Well, hi. Just what I was looking for.”

It’s a lie, he likes getting off and these women provide an escape but he always feels disgusting afterwards, so he drinks more to bring the numbness back. Regardless, he continues repeating the cycle.

“Does your mother know you’re here?” the woman teases and luckily Billy’s buzzed enough for it not to sting and spiral him into another episode. She never knows where she is. And he wonders where she is all the time.

“I’m a big boy,” he retorts, leaning closer to the woman.

She gives him what he thinks was supposed to be seductive laugh but it’s a little too deep and it brings him out of the moment, panic rising through his throat while he realizes this bar is dark and he can’t really be sure if he’s attracted to her.

Then she lifts up a tiny baggie filled halfway with an off white substance he’s beginning to indulge in most nights, “Want some?”

Billy knows he shouldn’t, he knows he’ll wake up tomorrow with the emptiest feeling in his chest that’ll drive him to chase after good feelings but no matter what, he won’t be able to get his serotonin back up for days. Nevertheless, he nods and follows the woman to the dingy, sticky men’s bathroom. She locks the door behind her and dumps a bit of the baggie out onto the toilet paper holder. Billy begins to think about what other disgusting substances have been on it as she cuts them each a line and pulls out a rolled dollar bill. He goes first, needing the courage from the drug to follow through with what this woman really wants. He snorts the cocaine, standing and hands her the dollar bill while he rubs his nostril with the back of his hand. He tastes the drip immediately as the warm numbness begins to wash over his mouth and descend down the rest of him. Then the excitement comes, his heart pounding out of his chest while he’s filled with a newfound confidence that was languidly slipping away minutes before. He watches as she snorts her line and when she’s finished, he hitches her foot up onto the toilet and undoes his pants. He fucks her quick and hard, glancing away when she turns her head to look at him. He doesn’t give a shit if it hurts her feelings. Billy pulls out and cums on her thighs.

He tucks himself in his jeans and tells her, “Thanks, sweetheart.”

However that’s not their only interaction of the night, like a fiend, Billy keeps returning to snort all the blow she has and let’s her buy him drinks all night. She gives him a crumpled napkin with her number on it and he purposefully misses his pocket, dropping it on the dirty bar floor.

As per his routine, he doesn’t stumble out of the bar until it’s closed and he drunkenly attempts to help Jennifer close it up. He drops a barstool on the bar only for it to come tumbling back down on his face, pushing him to the floor with it.

“Alright, Billy…” Jennifer sighs, “I think I can manage it myself. Get home safe, kid.”

He does, though he won’t remember the drive in the morning. His body crashes through his window, face planting on the hardwood floor and from where he lies, he can see a light flicking on from the crack under the door.

“Shit,” he mumbles, grappling to his knees and pressing his palms into his thighs.

He’s pleasantly surprised when a small redhead opens his bedroom door with wide eyes. His intoxicated smile falters when he hears Susan’s voice calling out for her.

“Sorry!” Max calls out, “Bumped into something. It was dark.”

“Go to bed!” his Dad yells and Max turns off the hall light after glaring at her drunken step brother. She closes his door and retreats back to her room.

She was a little shit but she was a really good sister, covering for Billy whenever she could. He stands to his feet and turns on his lamp, looking in the mirror to see his lip and nose are bloodied from either the barstool or the face plant, he’s not sure. He sighs, wiping his face with his sleeve before collapsing in his bed, succumbing to a hard sleep.

He’s not sure how long he’s been out when he wakes up, having no idea what time he even got home. But his heads killing him and the post cocaine blues hits hard, flashes of the older woman piercing his brain. He groans, reaching under his bed for a warm can of beer and sits up. He cracks the beer open and gulps it down, reaching for his pack of Marlboros to discover he smoked every single one last night. He winces as he stands up from bed, dropping the empty beer can to the collection strewn across his floor. He peeks out the window to see his Camaro parked halfway on the lawn and he cringes.

Billy strides to the bathroom, keeping the light off as he reaches for the rinsing cup and fills it with tap water. He drinks it and fills it again, repeating the process until his stomach churns and empties into the toilet. Over and over. Billy’s not a quiet puker either. He knows whoever is home can hear it but it’s common, they’ve got to be used to it. After collecting himself, he stares at his reflection in the dirty mirror and dim lighting seeping in from the tiny vent window. His lip is swollen, he’s got dried blood under his nose and massive bags under his eyes.

“God,” he groans before splashing water into his face. He braces himself as he exits, glancing up and down the hall before strolling back to his room. Before he can get there, he hears Susan’s hushed voice and he freezes.

“He’s a problem, Neil. Stumbling in at ungodly hours and he always reeks of alcohol,” she whispers.

“I know,” Neil responds, “I don’t know what else I can do.”

Billy shuts his bedroom door quietly, not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation. He digs through the pile of dirty clothes on the floor for a pair of jeans, pulling them over his legs and hopping into the rest them. He grabs a white muscle shirt, bringing it to his nose and wincing at the stench. He keeps digging through the pile until he settles on a black muscle tank instead. Then his phone rings, the shrill pitch of it sending a shockwave of sharp pain through his head.

“Jesus Christ,” he mumbles, lifting it off the hook to be greeted by his girlfriend. Oh, shit, he’d forgotten he had one.

“Veronica, calm down,” he groans, slipping his Converse on. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I was busy.”

“Busy?!” she yells, “We had a fucking date, William.”

“Ugh, don’t fucking call me that,” he looks in the mirror, fixing his hair with what little energy he has. “Listen, I’ll be at your house in twenty. Bring weed.”

“You’re gonna make this up to me, Billy. I’m so sick of you leaving me high and dry.”

“Whatever you want, baby,” he quips sarcastically before hanging up, hopping out his window and stealthily strutting to his car. He speeds off down the street before Neil and Susan can run outside to stop him. He takes a detour, stopping at a gas station to fill up his car and retrieve the ever needed pack of Marlboro Reds. “Ya know what, give me a shooter of Jack,” he adds, handing a wad of cash to the clerk who despite his disheveled appearance gives him fluttery eyelashes and blushed cheeks.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he winks to the girl as he shoves his change in his pocket. When he’s back in his car, he downs the shot and lights a cigarette before filling up his tank.

-

“You said twenty minutes,” Veronica scolds as she gets in the front seat, her blonde hair pristinely styled in big curls.

Billy snorts, “Hey, I showed up.”

“Yeah and you fucking reek of booze,” she complains. Billy shrugs, speeding off down the street. He whips through the neighborhoods, ignoring Veronica’s incessant yelling to slow down. He wonders why she even likes him, all she ever does is complain. He arrives to their usual spot, a parking lot a ways out that faces the ocean, no shore beneath it.

“Where were you last night?” she demands, sounding like a parent. She’s always like this. Well, she wasn’t at first. She liked Billy’s danger at the beginning, she used to call him wild child. She used to laugh hard at all his jokes and sing at the top of her lungs with him to his cassettes. She used to look at him with stars in her eyes. She used to love him.

“I was hanging out with Jennifer,” he deflects, not mentioning the coke or the middle aged woman he’d fucked without a second thought.

“You know she thinks you’re a loser, right?” Veronica reveals and Billy doesn’t doubt it. He knows he’s been going a little overboard since Susan and Max moved in. He know his dad grew to truly despise his mom over the years but he never dated another woman until he met Susan. Billy didn’t want to subject his mom to more abuse but he selfishly wished she’d come back, that they’d get back together.

“You are a loser, Billy,” Veronica seethes, “You’re turning into a total fucking burn out. We don’t even surf anymore.”

Billy takes the verbal censure. He always does, he’s heard the words so much they don’t even sting anymore. He no longer cares that he’s a huge wasting, disappointment to everyone around him.

“Did you bring the weed?” he asks, unbothered by the dumbfounded look on his girlfriends face.

She heaves a sigh and digs through her purse, imparting the bag of weed to Billy. He takes it, opening up his glovebox to grab his rolling papers. He grinds the weed between his fingers, hovering above the open paper, using his pinky to disperse the broken up buds. He rolls it expertly, eying his blonde counterpart as he licks up the side of the paper before sealing it up.

“Voila,” he sings, proudly holding up the joint to admire his handiwork. He brings it to his lips, flicking his zippo up to light it. He takes a deep hit, choking lightly as it stings his throat before offering it to Veronica. “I didn’t put any tobacco in it, just for you.”

“Oh, you’re so kind,” she sneers, her expression frozen in indignation. God, she’s such a bitch, Billy thinks.

He won’t let her ruin his high, he needs this. He’s gotta charge up before he can head back over to the bar.

“Do you even have a job anymore?” she wonders, venom lacing the question.

Billy snatches the joint from her lips before she can take a second hit, “I do. I work tomorrow.”

He dreads to think about doing any strenuous labor with a hangover. Maybe he’ll claim window washing and tire pressure duty when he arrives. His boss is getting suspicious of him, though. The other day, he made a snide comment about Billy having a long night when he locked himself in the bathroom to spew for thirty minutes.

“Good. Our anniversary is coming up,” she reminds Billy, “I expect jewelry.”

He bogarts the joint, not passing it when he’s supposed to. He sucks more than half of it down before she notices.

“Hey! Give it here, it’s mine anyhow.”

Billy obliges, turning the stereo out and shoving a Metallica cassette into it and turning the dial to tune out any more of her whining.

Luckily, the joint seems to get to Veronica and she’s quiet for a while. Billy gets to admire the waves, the vastness of the ocean as the blue of it fades into the sky. It always calms him, helps him forget about Neil, Susan and Veronica. He can stare at it and even forget he exists.

Alright, he’s pretty stoned.

All part of his rigid routine, Veronica moves to the backseat and pulls him with her. He lays her down and hovers above her, his head fuzzy while they awkwardly situate themselves. It’s rushed, quick and to the point. Like it always is. She’s a means to an end and he is to her.

When they’re done, she tells him he needs to get a grip before Senior year starts in two weeks. He ignores it, Billy thinks he’s doing just fine. He wouldn’t have his life any other way.

-

He takes it easy that night. Which means he still stumbles through his window drunkenly but he’s not blackout drunk. He remembers the panic of the drive home, constantly checking his rearview mirror but blue and red lights. He showers after his morning hurl. Standing under the hot water a moment too long, making him late for his shift.

He grabs his work shirt from his backseat and begrudgingly makes his way into the garage, clocking in under the judgmental eyes of his boss.

“I know,” he mutters before he can be ridiculed, “I slept through my alarm. Won’t happen again.”

Unfortunately, Drew beats him to calling window washing and tire pressure checks. Billy’s stuck downstairs draining oil. It’s so hot down there, he yaks a few more times during the day. On his drive home, he’s particularly introspective. Finding he’s actually disappointed in himself for the heavy drinking and late nights.

When he walks into the door, he’s met with his dad, Susan, Max and his grandparents sitting around the table. An intervention? Seriously?

Billy groans, barreling through them to his room. Neil’s quick to follow, pounding on the door when it’s slammed in his face.

“William Ocean Hargrove, get your ass out here now!” Neil bellows behind the think particle board. Billy revels in his mom giving him that middle name, forcing his dad to say it whenever he was pissed and no doubt bringing Billy’s wild-spirited mother to his mind.

Billy opens the door. “I’m covered in oil. Let me change,” he spits at his dad before slamming the door again.

“Neil,” Susan says pointedly.

He hears his dads footsteps walking away and he glances to his window, debating if he should run away again. He’s embarrassed with his grandparents sitting there and he’s sure Neil won’t hit him in front of them. Not until they leave.

He changes into a clean pair of clothes before making his entrance out, standing in front of five pairs of concerned eyes. He heaves a sigh and motions to them, “Go ahead. Tell me how my life’s going down the shitter and I’m a huge fucking disappointment to all of you.”

He thinks it’s unfair Max and Susan are here. They’ve known Billy all of six months. They don’t fucking know him yet they’re trying to be family. Well, as far as Billy was concerned he had no fucking family. This house, these people, they had no warmth. They didn’t truly give a shit about him, they just wanted to control him, didn’t want people to look at them differently because he was an embarrassment.

“Billy…” Susan starts and he laughs.

“Listen, I barely fucking know you. You can’t waltz into my life and expect to be my fucking mother. You aren’t and you’ll never be,” he spits.

“Maybe I should start…” his grandmother says and it breaks his heart. She was the tiniest bit of solace in his life. She was the escape when things had gotten too bad. When Neil couldn’t even fathom looking at Billy, he would ship him off to his parents. He spent every summer there until he was fourteen. Then Neil wanted him working.

Billy sits down at his grandmothers request, his breathing labored as he’s stricken with guilt.

“Honey… we’re all so worried about you. Your dad tells me you’re never home, you’re drinking all night and,” she can’t finish, choking out a sob as she looks to her disheveled grandson.

Billy feels tears threatening his eyes but he’s quickly reminded about all the times Neil bullied him for crying. Calling him a faggot, a fairy, a pansy, every name in the book. He told him men don’t cry. Last I checked you didn’t have a vagina, he’d said. Billy steadies his breathing. He won’t cry, he can’t cry.

“Your behavior is unacceptable, son,” Neil chimes in and Billy keeps his face stoic, doesn’t want anyone to know how deeply he’s hurting inside.

“You’re a bad influence on Max,” Susan says quietly and Billy feels his blood boil. He never agreed to being any kind of influence on her. He never agreed to having them forced into his life.

Billy doesn’t speak, he stares at four consecutive holes in the table and remembers how they got there, his dad stabbing his fork into the table during a heated argument at dinner when Susan and Max had first moved in. He wonders if they’ve even considered why Billy is acting out. He assumes not, his feelings never a concern of theirs.

“This has to change,” Susan pleads.

Neil puffs his chest out, “William.”

Billy knows what his dad is getting at, looking up at him and holding his domineering stare.

“We’ve got a solution. We’re moving,” Neil informs him, “I’ve already got a job lined up.”

“What?” Billy asks, hurt present on his voice and then panic, “Where?”

“Indiana,” Susan states.

Indiana? No ocean. No waves. No calmness. No one he knows. He’ll be even more alone. Billy’s stomach churns, the emptiness of it of no concern to the bile rising in his throat. He abruptly moves up from the table, stomping to the bathroom where he collapses in front of toilet, and he heaves. The fluorescent yellow fluid forcing its way up his throat, burning his eyes and tearing up his airways.

He rests his cheek against the seat, unmoving as he realizes his life is over. Neil can control him better so far away. He’ll be so isolated from everything he knows and loves so well.

-

Billy stares at his Camaro packed to the brim with his belongings. It’s so wrong. The October breeze chills him as his eyes fall on the scratch along the side of the midnight blue finish. Veronica keyed his car and he’d attempted his best to buff it out but it was still faintly there. A reminder that he’d lived up to her shitty expectations of him.

Neil pats his shoulder, “We’ll get that fixed in Hawkins.”

He was annoyingly chipper since the intervention, clearly excited at the prospect of a completely isolated Billy.

“Max is riding with you,” he shoots his soon a pointed look. “Can’t have you running off.”

Billy sighs, realizing just how trapped he is.

This is it. He gazes back to the house he’d grown up in, his chest stinging at how unalive it looks. He stands outside of his car and looks around while Max sits in his front seat. His feet are stuck. He can’t possibly move them.

“Billy! Let’s get a move on! We’re on a schedule!” his dad calls from his truck and Susan honks from the U-Haul.

Fucking bitch.

Billy cries quietly as he drives away from home, not caring that Max can see it. He fucking loathed her and her mother for doing this to him. He doesn’t say a single word to her the entire drive. He doesn’t speak to any of them when they sleep in motels where Billy’s given a pillow and small throw blanket to sleep on the floor in each one. He’s disassociated the entire three days it takes to drive there.

He thinks Indiana is ugly and he’s unbelievably distraught when he sees the size of Hawkins. A town like this, everyone knows each other which means higher expectations from Neil. They drive past the school, Max commenting about how that’s where they’ll go, and Billy remains silent. The only bright side is no one will know who he is so he can be anyone he wants. And he’ll be damned if he’s not worshipped in this town by the end of his first week here.

a/n: thank you so much for reading. i really appreciate all the love i'm getting for the series. i hope you enjoyed this lil look into billy's life before the move

[maria-scribbles]

loyalty’s all i got | part two

three years ago, you had it all: great friends, good grades, and an almost perfect relationship with your boyfriend, jj. it all came crashing down when your mom relocated your family to california for work and you were forced to trade the outer banks for malibu, leaving your broken heart behind in the place you were just starting to think of as home. now you're back in town for college and to pick up the pieces, hoping to make things right again with your friends and the boy you never stopped loving.

word count: 8.6k+

ship: jj maybank x female!reader, pogue friendship

warnings n stuff: angst angst angst all around (with a happy ending tho!!), the reader being a v. sad girl, mentions of anxiety/depression, failed long distance relationship, drifting apart, self-inflicted loneliness/isolation, the classic trope of 'they broke up but they're still in love with each other' that gives me feels, swearing (it's not my writing unless someone says 'fuck' at least once), reconciliation/mended relationships, traditional cheesy rom-com rain scene 'cause i'm a Dramatic Hoe™

a/n: and here's the second and final part of this looooong two-shot! thank you all so much for reading and i hope you enjoy the finale even though i low key kind of hate it 🙃. fun fact: surfrider beach is a real place in malibu known for its great waves :) also i apologize for how long this took to post, i dropped my laptop and the screen broke so i had to wait for it to get fixed lmao. unbetaed as usual, any mistakes are my b. 

~masterlist~

part two: like a ghost that no one knew

When you said goodbye to your friends three years ago, you should've known things would never be the same again. You were sixteen, still so young and naïve and full of an almost childlike hope that kept you from seeing the obvious: life wasn't fair. Sometimes, you could be holding all the right cards and still lose the game.

It should've been easy. You had a video chat schedule already figured out, promises of daily texts and Snapchats, a boyfriend willing -enthusiastically willing, in fact- to go long distance and make it work no matter what 'cause you both agreed that what you had was something worth fighting for. You and your friends had weathered many storms together, what was one more? It could've been easy but you underestimated just how cruel California would be.

You traded one coast for the other and watched the sun set over the Pacific alone when you would've given anything to watch it rise over the Atlantic with your friends. It hurt to surf solo but you did it anyway, even though it felt like a damn sucker punch each time you caught yourself scanning the sand for JJ and his proud smile when you successfully caught bigger and bigger waves at Surfrider Beach. 

Long distance was hard. You had days where all you wanted to do was lay on your bed for hours, safely curled up in his arms as he ran his fingers through your hair but you had to settle for his voice over the phone and one of his shirts from your closet instead. You missed everything about him: his pretty eyes that looked like the clearest ocean, the cheeky grin he'd send your way after making a stupid joke that had you affectionately rolling your eyes in exasperation, that adorable flush that spread across his face without fail each and every time you said you loved him. You longed for his constant affection; the way he always wanted to keep you close somehow, his arm around your shoulders, hand in your back pocket, or fingers entwined with yours; how he could never go a day without kissing you. Being apart was nothing short of torture.

"I fucking miss you." He said late one night during a rare FaceTime session -his phone was a piece of shit so he had to 'borrow' John B's whenever he could- and you smiled despite the knife twisting itself deeper and deeper into your heart as you played with the fraying sleeve of his old sweatshirt you wore. 

"I fucking miss you more, J." You whispered back, giggling quietly when he scrunched up his nose in playful skepticism. 

"Yeah, I don't think so, babe. There's no way." 

"Yes, way!"

Although it hurt like hell, you imagined being tangled up with him in the hammock hanging in the Chateau's yard under the North Carolina sky -the light from the moon would turn his blond hair a pale silver as he grinned down at you and cupped your cheek in his hand, closing that final distance between you for a kiss that'd fuel the fire racing through your veins- and you let that fleeting happiness carry you through the night, long after you said goodbye. You fell asleep with your phone in your hand, unaware that your mother had been listening from the other side of your closed door.

You'd been distant from her and your dad in the months since the move, obviously going out of your way to avoid them both by spending all your spare time surfing at the beach, coming home well past sunset and heading straight to your room without a word. They'd taught you forgiveness wasn't something to be given willingly -it had to be earned- and since neither of them had done anything worthy to deserve an absolution, you simply pretended they didn't exist and let yourself stew in your justified anger.

Until the morning after your video date with JJ, they'd wisely given you your space so you were pretty blind sighted to find them both waiting for you at the dining room table, one of your dad's famous cinnamon rolls on a plate set in front of your usual chair. You paused in the middle of tying one of your boyfriend's worn bandanas in your hair before abruptly continuing toward the front door, acting like you didn't see the hopeful looks on their faces that made guilt slowly start to burrow its way into your chest. 

"Y/N, wait," Your dad sprung from his seat and reached his hand out toward your elbow, his face falling when you instantly pulled back and crossed your arms. "Please, let's just talk for a second."

"I'm gonna be late for the bus," You lied and tried for the door again, sighing in frustration when he blocked your path and ushered you toward the table where your mom was sitting, biting her thumbnail. The guilt burrowed deeper: you thought she kicked that habit years ago but there she was, chewing her nail to shreds and it was all because of you (the empty satisfaction you felt knowing you were the cause of her stress made you hate yourself just a little more.).

"Jellybean, don't worry about that. I'll drive you." 

You bristled at the old nickname but sat in the chair your dad pulled out for you anyway. The smell of the cinnamon roll he pushed your way made your mouth water but you refused to eat and kept your eyes down as you played with the stack of bracelets adorning your wrist. "You wanted to talk?" You asked, deciding to just rip the band-aid off all at once 'cause knowing your mom when she was anxious and your dad being allergic to any type of confrontation, you'd have sat there all day until one of them worked up the courage to speak.

"Talk, right." Bill said with a nervous chuckle, shaking his head as he took a seat and swiped his own cinnamon roll from the pan in the middle of the table. "Uh, how are you?"

"Are you serious right now?" You asked incredulously, looking up from your lap with a raised eyebrow. "All this for 'how are you?'" 

"How would we know?" Your mom finally spoke up as she pulled her ruined nail from her mouth, only to start instantly drumming her fingers on the table. "You're always holed up in your room or at the beach, Y/N. You never talk to us anymore."

You rolled your eyes before fixing her with a deadpan stare. "Hmm, I wonder why."

"Honey, you know I'm sorry-"

"Don't, okay? Just don't." You swallowed thickly and dumped the cinnamon roll back into the pan, blinking away the awful burning pressure building behind your eyes. "I can't listen to some half-assed apology that you don't mean!"

"Y/N, we are sorry. Everything's gonna get better, just give it time." Your dad's reply was muffled by a mouthful of pastry and any other time, you'd usually be laughing at his chipmunk cheeks but instead you just stared back down at your hands again, lip quivering as you tried and failed to hold yourself together. You would not cry. You would not cry. You would not-

"Please, honey." Your mom tentatively reached out one hand like she was approaching a wounded animal, her voice so soft you could barely hear it above the rush of blood in your ears. "It hurts us to see you like this-"

Oh, fuck this shit.

"You're hurt?! Are you kidding me?" Your chair scraped along the tile as you rocketed to your feet, vision blurring when the dam finally broke. "You promised we wouldn't move again until after I graduated and you broke that promise. I let myself make friends for once in my goddamn life -I fucking fell in love, Mom! I fell in love with the most amazing boy who, by some miracle loves me, too despite me being a...a complete loser!" You were rambling now but you couldn't find it in yourself to care about or stop the words flying from your mouth. 

"God, I was happy -so, so disgustingly happy it kind of scared me, okay?" You laughed bitterly and roughly wiped the tears from your cheeks, only to have more immediately take their place. "And you didn't even stop to think before you took it all away from me! So don't even talk to me about being hurt 'cause you have no fucking idea!"

Your dad was frozen, eyes the same color as your own blown impossibly wide in the middle of another bite of cinnamon roll while your mom, two tears streaking perfect twin tracks down her cheeks, looked at you like you'd just told her the world was ending -to her, it just might've been but to you, it already had. Neither of them said another word as you snatched your backpack off the couch and stormed from the house, slamming the door behind you.

Halfway to the bus stop, you decided school just wasn't in the cards that day and doubled back, hiding behind the shed in your backyard until your tears had run dry and both of your parents left -Rebekah to the hospital, Bill to wherever he went while you were in class- before heading inside to change into your rash vest and grab your board. Despite it being early Friday morning, Surfrider Beach was full of life and you welcomed the hustle and bustle as you turned off your phone and buried it at the bottom of your bag, leaving your problems behind on the sand. 

You spent the whole day at the beach, blissfully alone and free to do what you wanted, until the sun dipped low in the sky and you were too exhausted to even think about anything but dragging yourself home so you could pass the fuck out. You caught one final wave before heading back to shore, waving goodbye to the group of other kids you'd surfed with all day (the one thing you loved about California: everyone was so chill) and trudged through the sand toward your things where, just as you expected, your sister sat on your towel, clad in a baggy UCLA long-sleeve with her phone in hand. 

"Bitch, you killed it out there!" She looked up as you dropped your board to the ground and sat down heavily beside her, slipping an old Kildare County High School sweatshirt -the first one you ever 'borrowed' from your boyfriend, much to his delight- over your head. "I mean, look at you go!"

You leaned closer to watch the video she took, the barest hint of a smile on your face when you watched yourself perform a near perfect cutback on the screen. "That's 'cause I had the best teacher." 

Daisy tagged you and posted it to Instagram before you could protest, then tossed the phone back into her bag and turned to you with a forced cheerfulness that kind of made you want to smack her. "So..."

"Mom and Dad sent you to clean up their mess." You finished quietly, tucking your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them as your sister sighed dramatically and offered a sympathetic wince. 

"As always." She copied your position and you both stared out at the sun sinking over the water, its fading rays turning the sky brilliant shades of orange and pink. It was typical of your parents to send Daisy after you when you were upset -after all, you'd both been each other's only friend for over half your lives- and normally, you'd be glad to see your sister's friendly face instead of your mom's or dad's. That evening, though? All you felt was...disappointment.

"Guess they really don't give a shit about me." You mumbled under your breath, half-hoping Daisy didn't hear you but from the way she snapped her head in your direction, you didn't get your wish.

"Y/N, that's not it. They're just..."

"Just what? Pretending that they didn't stab me in the back? Acting like everything's all hunky-dory and they actually cared about my feelings?" 

You hastily wiped at your face when your sister silently looped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you against her side, her fingers running soothingly through the ends of your damp hair as you vented all of your frustrations -everything you'd kept locked deep inside your heart- until your voice was hoarse and the sun had long disappeared from the horizon and you had no tears left to cry.

"You have no idea what it's like, being so lonely it hurts to breathe. It hurts knowing Mom and Dad have each other and you have Daniel and I'm alone all the time." You lifted your head from her shoulder and rubbed your red eyes with your sleeve. "Worst part is, they just keep acting like I'll wake up one day and magically be okay and everything'll be all sunshine and rainbows again." 

"First off, I wanna say that I'm sorry for not making more time for you. I knew you were struggling and I'm a terrible big sister for not being here for you like I should have," You squeezed Daisy's other hand in thanks as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, her voice soft and steady like the waves crashing against the shore. "Second, I definitely don't think Mom and Dad are handling this the way they should, but I think they're trying in the only way they know how. That should count for something, right?"

You sighed and tugged the sleeves of your sweatshirt over your hands. "I guess, but they haven't even tried to see where I'm coming from and they don't get that I'm not the only one they hurt. If I have to hear one more half-assed apology, I'm gonna lose my shit. Again."

"I'm not saying you have to forgive them right away 'cause I sure as hell wouldn't until they say they're sorry and mean it. But..." She said, pulling you to your feet and shaking the sand from the towel you were sitting on, "you shouldn't keep shutting them out, okay? It's not healthy."

You tucked your board under your arm as Daisy grabbed your bag and swung it onto her shoulder before you both started walking toward the parking lot. "What if I'm never ready to forgive them?"

"That's a question I don't have the answer to." She said with a shrug. "You've gotta figure that one out for yourself."

So you followed your sister's advice. You were civil and gradually, your relationship with your parents improved until you could stand to be in the same room as them and even carry on a short conversation, even though you knew you'd probably never be able to fully trust them again. You caught them exchanging glances you could only describe as wounded when you often turned down their invitations to go to the movies or get ice cream or other things you used to love doing when you were younger but for the most part, they took it in stride and you were grateful for their little efforts. Forgiveness wasn't in the cards quite yet but with each passing day, you felt the icy wall around your heart slowly start to melt away.

But every time you thought you were taking one step forward, life pushed you two steps back. Just when you were getting things back on track with your family, the train went flying off the rails when it came to your friends and it was all your fault.

It wasn't like you didn't try -God, did you try- to keep yourself from falling back into old habits but Malibu just had a way of bringing out the absolute worst in you. Your old self, the girl who kept to herself and pushed everyone away, someone you thought you buried in the deepest grave, slowly came back from the dead with a vengeance little by little, so subtly you didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. 

One missed phone call turned into two, texts went unanswered for days or not at all, FaceTime sessions happened less and less. The last video chat had been with Kiara and it ended terribly, after you blew up at her for mending her friendship with Sarah Cameron in the near two years since you'd been gone, spitting words you couldn't quite remember -something along the lines of 'didn't take you too long to replace me, huh' and calling the blonde girl a 'heinous bitch'- but knew you regretted with everything you had and hanging up before she had a chance to explain. You couldn't even recall the last time you talked to Pope or John B aside from the occasional Snapchat and your daily calls with JJ had turned to once a week, if you were lucky.

He was trying, you could tell, and so were you but the deck was stacked against you and you were never very good at cards, anyway. It hurt to try, it hurt not to try, everything just hurt. Nearly two years apart had done their damage and coupled with your debilitating fear of being forgotten that clawed at your chest like a rabid dog, your relationship was on unstable ground and for the first time in almost four years, you were thinking about the end. It wasn't like you didn't love him anymore (holy shit, were you still completely head over heels in love). In fact, you loved him so much you realized that he could do so, so much better than you and the thought rested heavy and bittersweet on your mind, lurking in the shadows until you were ready to bring it to light.

It happened on New Year's Eve. Alone in your room, your hands shook as you answered JJ's call at midnight, his voice tired and a little hoarse from celebrating the new year three hours earlier on the opposite coast and you nearly started crying right then and there when you replied with a shaky "I think we need to talk."

"Babe, what's wrong?"

You took a deep breath and said quietly, "Everything."

"Talk to me." The pure concern in those three words nearly convinced you to call it off, to tell him to forget you said anything and that you were fine, everything was just fine but deep down, you knew you couldn't.

"I've been thinking about us and I...I just think that you deserve better than me. Someone who can actually be there for you when you need her and hold you when your dad's an asshole and see you every day. Someone who can laugh at your silly jokes and share a joint with you and clean you up when you get into fights defending your friends-"

"Babe, what are you talking about? That girl is you."

"Maybe I was but I'm not anymore and I don't think I have been since I left. I just can't be the girl you want, I can't be the girl you deserve, J -I'm a total fucking mess and you can do so, so much better than me."

"Y/N."

You didn't know you were crying until you heard the broken way he breathed your name and salt water dripped from your chin onto the bracelet around your wrist. 

"...are you breaking up with me?" His voice was impossibly small, the quietest you'd ever heard it and the exact moment your battered heart shattered into pieces was when you realized he didn't even put up a fight. 

"I think so." The words tore through you like a gunshot as you cried, curling into yourself on the bed in an effort to ward off the worst pain you'd ever felt in your life and you wondered if it was possible to die from a wound that wasn't even physical. 

He was quiet for a long time, so long you thought he hung up without you noticing through your tears, until he sniffed on the other end of the line.

"Guess we had a pretty good run, huh?" He asked with a watery chuckle and you found yourself giving a tiny, shuddering giggle in response -God, even when you were breaking his heart he still managed to make you laugh.

"The best, baby." The pet name slipped out like second nature and you winced, hastily trying to cover your mistake with an awkward cough but from the sharp breath you heard him take, he'd heard it anyway.

("I'm sorry," you said, and it stood as an apology for more than just your slip-up.)

"I love you, Y/N. Probably always will."

"I'll never stop loving you, JJ. That's a promise."

You let yourself believe him as you laid there bleeding from a gash you couldn't see, a wound you knew would never heal, and you hoped he let himself believe you, too, even when you ended the call without another word and threw your phone away from you, not bothering to see where it landed. The sound of your heavy, broken sobs filled the room and you didn't even mind when your mom, who you knew had been listening from the other side of your closed door like always, barged in and took you into her arms, stroking your hair as you cried into her lap.

If you were supposed to avoid getting hurt by leaving first, why did it feel like everything in you was broken? If you were making the right choice, why did it feel so wrong? You didn't have the answers and no matter how hard you searched, you knew you'd ever find them.  

So you tried to stay busy. You joined the surf club at school, got a part-time job at the local aquarium, did anything you could to distract yourself from the hurt and the guilt and the way getting out of bed every morning was the hardest thing to do. Surf club introduced you to Mackenzie, the one girl who was more ostracized at school -an even richer version of the kook academy you hated -than you, her for being freakishly tall and you for your East Coast attitude, and the two of you became fast, if reluctant friends. Mack didn't try to stitch the gaping hole in your heart caused by your absent friends but she numbed the pain just enough to make it bearable and you were grateful for her calm, steady presence at your side, even as you both tried to keep each other at arm's length.  

Later, you found out she was just like you, friendless and awkward with no self-esteem and a tendency to push people away, and that just cemented your friendship through the summer and your final year of high school.

Mack told you all about her life, growing up with no siblings, having height that she never learned to deal with, and a debilitating social anxiety that made making friends near impossible, and in turn you told her about how you hopped from town to town on your mother's whims, the wonderful friends you let slip away, and the beautiful boyfriend you loved enough to let go, and you both cried together for the lives you could've led.

"You two looked so happy," She said during the first sleepover you hosted as she held one of the many picture frames littering your dresser, her lips turned upwards in a small smile.

You gently took the frame from her hands and ran your fingers over the grinning face of your ex-boyfriend, his arms wrapped around your shoulders as your painted lips planted a deep red kiss on his cheek, and the wave of longing washing over you was almost strong enough to bring you to your knees. "It was the happiest I've ever been."

"Do you miss him?"

"So much it hurts."

i miss you.

i'm so sorry.

i still love you.

You'd typed and erased those texts every day but never mustered the courage to hit send and you couldn't decide if that was a blessing in disguise or the worst possible curse. Of course you still loved JJ: you promised you would and even if you didn't, you couldn't stop if you tried. He was your first love, the boy you so willingly gave your whole heart and then some; you still kept his ring on your thumb -the one he gave you at the airport the day you left- and his bracelet around your wrist, his bandanas in your hair and his face in your dreams and you knew you always would.

Before you could blink, your eighteenth birthday flew by and graduation was upon you.

You thought the second you were done with high school you'd be gone, heading straight back to the Outer Banks and the life you left behind but you found yourself stalling on sending in an application to UNC -Chapel Hill until you missed the deadline for the fall semester. On the outside, you made up a semi-legit excuse about getting your basic courses done at a community college to save money but deep down you really knew why you procrastinated: you were terrified to go back. Ever since your break up with JJ, you hadn't spoken to him or any of your old friends other than the obligatory birthday wishes on Facebook and you wondered if the damage you'd done over the years was too much to come back from, even as you tried to work up the courage to find out for sure.

Another year passed: in between earning college credits, you and Daisy took a sister's trip to Disneyland, Mack asked you to tag along on a jaunt up the coast to San Francisco to see Alcatraz, your parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary (your gift was long-overdue forgiveness and they said it was the greatest thing you possibly could've given them). When the time came, you and Mack both sent out your applications to UNC -you for biology, her for chemistry- and the myriad of emotions you felt when you got in was nothing short of dizzying. The old you was terrified, screaming at you to rip up the letter and join your sister at UCLA instead of opening old wounds but the hopeful you, the girl who lived without fear, the girl who fell in love and let herself be loved, screamed louder.

And so you killed the old you once again, burying her even deeper than the last time in a locked chest and throwing the key as far as you could out into the Pacific where you knew you'd never find it. You clutched your acceptance letter close to your chest and took a step east, away from California and toward the place where your broken heart still rested, scattered in pieces across the sand.

Settling in at UNC was surprisingly easy. You and Mack already clicked pretty well as friends so making the transition to roommates was natural and, dare you say it, even a little fun and the two of you quickly fell into a comfortable routine in your tiny apartment off campus in Chapel Hill. Comfortable and yet...that happiness you once felt all those years ago was missing from your life and you found yourself just as restless as you were in Malibu. While you knew exactly what you needed to do, that fear kept rearing its ugly head in the back of your mind, poisoning your thoughts: what if they wouldn't be happy to see you, what if they forgot about you, what if they hated you? What if he hated you?

It was terrifying, picturing yourself turning up at the Chateau with a hopeful smile only to have the door slammed right in your face. Deep down, you knew they'd never do that to you no matter how badly you'd hurt them but when you'd spent your whole life expecting the worst, taking a leap of faith wasn't an easy feat -something Mack just couldn't wrap her head around.

"I don't get it."

You glanced up from where you were lounging on your bed, flipping through your biology notes in preparation for your lab exam the next morning and shot your roommate a confused look. "Get what?”

Mack sat at your desk, her own notebooks lying ignored as she spun the chair around to face you, arms crossed. "Why you haven't hopped on that ferry to go get your man yet!"

You froze for a moment too long before offering a half-hearted shrug as you fiddled with the beads at the end of your bracelet. "It's not that easy. He probably wants nothing to do with me and I don't blame him."

"How do you know? You haven't talked to JJ in over a year, right?" At your tight nod, she continued, "What if he's just like you-"

"Depressed?"

Mack fixed you with a flat, unamused look. "Still in love, dumbass."

You scoffed and propped your chin in your hand as you glanced back down at your study guide, trying not to latch onto that little thought -hope and pain all rolled into one- that sparked to life at her words. He'd said he would probably always love you that New Year's Eve and back then you'd let yourself believe him but now, you weren't so sure. "Yeah, right. No way he's still...still in love with me after I broke his heart."

"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," Your roommate said with a shrug, spinning around on the chair to grab her things. "You'll never know if you don't get over there, track his fine ass down, and talk to him."

You stared down at your notes without actually seeing anything, the slanted letters of your handwriting blurring before your eyes as the other girl flipped her chemistry book closed and stood, shooting you an warm smile that you didn't see. 

"Listen, Y/N, you're my best friend and I want to see you happy more than anything but I can't take that jump for you. Yeah, it's scary and nerve wracking and you might end up hurt worse than before, so what? That's just...life."

Mack left after that, crossing the apartment to her room so she could get ready for a date with a girl from her psych class, leaving you alone with tears on your face and a million thoughts in your head, all of them terrifying and exciting and oh so loud.

She was right, of course -Mack always knew the right thing to say- and as you stared down at the bracelets on your wrists and the ring on your thumb, the pictures on your phone and the too-big shirt hanging off one shoulder, you realized sitting around moping wasn't gonna solve anything; if you wanted your happiness, your friends, the love of your life back, you needed to step up and fight for them with everything you had. And so you wiped the tears from your cheeks and walked to the cliff's edge with your head held high, ready for the fall and whatever came with it. You were ready to fix your mistakes, no matter how badly it might hurt.

Still, you couldn't do it all on your own. You needed some help to make things right again and while you knew just who to ask, you weren't quite sure if they'd be willing to lend a hand. Desperate times called for desperate measures though and you penned a good old-fashioned letter, feeling like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel as you poured all your thoughts -your dreams, wishes, hopes- onto a piece of paper in bold blue ink and sent it off to its destination on Figure 8, your Hail Mary for a happy ending sealed up neatly in a single envelope.

Mack, bless her heart, did her best to keep your spirits up as you waited on a response but even her ever reassuring presence couldn't keep you from worrying as one week passed by, then two. Halfway through the third you'd almost given up, already wracking your brain for another way to make your plan work when your phone chimed with a text from an unknown number.

i'll help you

And just like that, the moment you'd been waiting for was finally within your reach; you told your parents not to expect you for Thanksgiving break, called your sister for a much needed pep talk, and started counting down the days until you'd see your friends again, for better or worse.

When you left the Outer Banks three years ago, it was sunny. You were sixteen, young and in love and scared about the future.

When you returned, it was in the middle of a storm. You were nineteen, a little bit older but no less in love and definitely still scared about what was waiting for you at the end of the road.

Rain pounded against the roof of Sarah Cameron's SUV as she drove away from the docks and toward the Chateau, her fingers tapping along to the music playing quietly through the radio. You sat in the passenger seat, soaked to the bone from your ferry ride from the mainland and shaking like a leaf despite the towel wrapped around your shoulders and the warm air flowing from the car's vents.

"Thanks for coming to get me," You said, wincing at the awkward lilt of your voice echoing in the small space as you spun JJ's ring around your thumb and stared out the windshield at the familiar sights streaking by in blurred shades of green and brown. Being back opened a Pandora's box of emotions in your head, both good and bad, and instead of trying to sort them out, you let them bounce around in your brain like a pinball machine and concentrated on methodically twirling the warm metal ring in circles on your finger.

Sarah briefly glanced away from the road to shoot you a small smile, her kind eyes softening at your visible nervousness. "Not gonna lie, I was pretty sure you hated me so when I got your letter it kinda...threw me for a loop. Sorry it took me so long to reply."

You wished the heated leather seat would swallow you whole as you winced again and wrapped the towel tighter around your shoulders. "For the longest time, I thought I did hate you but I realized I was just...scared of losing my friends and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve to be labeled the villain in my story when I was the one, um, sabotaging myself, I guess." You took a deep breath and picked at a loose thread tickling your arm. "And I'm really, really grateful for your help."

It was more than you wanted to admit out loud -nearly the same words were written in the letter peeking out from the center console of the car- but at the same time, you knew it was what needed to be said and from the way the blonde girl's fingers stopped tapping against the steering wheel, she knew she needed to hear it. At a red light, she quickly tapped out a text on her phone before tossing in back into her bag with another tiny grin in your direction.

"Happy to help. For what it's worth, I'm so sorry if I made you feel like you were being replaced, I never intended to hurt you or steal your friends or...or, I don't know, usurp-" 

"Sarah, stop. Please," You held up a hand to cut off her apology and offered her a self-deprecating smile. "I'm the one who's sorry. I let my...jealousy get the best of me and I feel so bad about all the shit I said 'cause that wasn't fair to you at all and I hope you can forgive me-"

"Y/N, there's nothing to forgive! We all say stupid shit when we're mad -trust me, I know." She interrupted with a bubbly, contagious giggle that seemed to scare away the gloomy storm clouds gathered over your head for a moment in time. "But I was never pissed at you, ever. I just want you to know that."

Stunned, you settled deeper into the seat and started playing with your ring again as she kept driving on, unbothered by your lack of response. You felt like you were thirteen again, back when Sarah and Kiara were your only friends, before the birthday disaster and the whole pogue versus kook feud that got completely out of hand; it felt...nice and you found yourself hoping that the blonde girl would still want to be your friend again, no matter what the others thought about your sudden return. 

"Thank you."

Sarah gave no indication she heard your quiet confession of gratitude but from the way you watched her smile grow out of the corner of your eye, you knew she did. The rest of the drive passed in companionable silence as you retreated into your own thoughts, your nerves getting worse and worse the closer you got to your destination.

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly through your nose, feeling like your heart was trying to beat its way through your rib cage. You hadn't been this anxious in a long, long time, so long you almost forgot how much you hated the tightness in your chest, how your palms would start to sweat, the way you'd chew the inside of your cheek until you tasted blood on your tongue. By the time Sarah pulled into an open spot beside the achingly familiar Volkswagen parked in front of the Chateau, you were surprised you were still able to breathe.

The sight of the tiny house, one you spent so many carefree days and beautiful nights in alongside your friends, standing virtually unchanged in front of you was like a shot to the heart and your hands, curled into fists on your lap, began to shake without warning. Shit, you were a godforsaken mess; how the hell were you supposed to do this without having a mental breakdown?

"I'm so scared."

The whispered words, barely audible over the torrential rain against the roof, slipped from your mouth before you could stop them and Sarah slowly reached one hand over to give your trembling wrist a reassuring squeeze, the corners of her mouth curled upward in a slight smile.

"Don't be. They're gonna be so happy to see you!"

You turned to look at her, eyebrows knit together in disbelief. "How are you so sure they still care about me?"

"I'm sure 'cause I've seen it. My God, if only you could've heard all the times they talked about you -'I wish Y/N was here,' 'remember that time with Y/N,' hell, just straight 'I miss Y/N so fucking much,'" She said bluntly and shifted in the driver's seat to face you head on, smiling wider at the thunderstruck look on your face. "Pretty sure I haven't gone a week without JJ saying that last one at least once." 

"I thought..." You paused, tongue darting out to run over your dry lips as you tried to put your jumbled feelings into words, "I thought he'd hate me -I mean, after all I've done, you think he still..."

"Loves you? Are you kidding?" Her reply was so enthusiastic it was hard not to believe her as she went on, her words like sunshine brightening the darkest corners of your mind. "He's still head over heels, I've never seen him even look at another girl in three damn years. You know he still wears your necklace, the one with the silver star? Kie told me all about it."

"I-I didn't." You remembered giving it to him the day you left, managing a shaky smile through your tears as you carefully clasped it around his neck, your fingers running over his skin as you settled the charm perfectly alongside that little shark tooth you'd grown to love.

('Be careful with this, baby. It's my favorite.' You had said, crying harder when he'd taken off one of his rings and slipped it onto your thumb.

'Well, this one's my favorite so take good care of it, okay?' His voice had been light but his eyes were heavy with unspoken words that you'd heard loud and clear because you knew your gaze said the exact same things.

don't let me go

don't break my heart

don't stop loving me)

You coughed to disguise the fat tears that started rolling down your face, quickly wiping them away with your sleeve but the blonde girl wasn't fooled as she gave your hand another friendly squeeze.

"Come on, they're probably wondering what's taking me so long," She sent a conspiratorial wink your way and grabbed her bag from the center console. "I told them I was picking up some pizzas but I have a funny feeling they won't be too pissed that I lied."

With a desperate grip on the strap of your backpack and your heart racing, you trailed behind Sarah through the rain to the front porch. 

"Ready?" She glanced back where you lingered at the top of the stairs, anxiously shuffling from foot to foot, and shot you a smile that did little to calm your nerves. "Just wait here!"

She knocked on the door before you could reply and yelled loud enough to be heard over the pouring rain, "Hey, it's me! Can somebody get the door? My hands are kinda full."

"Got it!"

Your bag slipped from your fingers and fell onto the porch with a loud thump at the sound of the voice floating through the open windows, a voice you heard nearly every night as you slept, in your dreams of a future you wanted with everything you had. You knew it better than your knew your own, knew every pitch and tone and lilt; quiet and raspy in the mornings when you woke up in each other's arms, loud and carefree during long days spent under the golden sun with the rest of your friends, soft and warm and laid bare at night when he showed how much he loved you with more than just words.

Sarah gave you an enthusiastic thumbs up before stepping to the side just as the door opened and you suddenly found yourself struggling to breathe as you stared into the wide blue eyes of your ex-boyfriend. JJ stared right back, one of the hands you used to hold clenched so tight around the doorknob his knuckles were white, the lips you used to kiss parted in surprise, the blond hair you used to run your fingers through falling onto his forehead like always and the familiar, beautiful sight of him standing close enough to touch made your knees weak.

"You're not pizza."

It was such a JJ thing to say and you didn't know whether to laugh or cry as you swallowed thickly and shook your head. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"I'm not."

"Oh."

Hope flared white hot in your chest at his words but it quickly started to fade, replaced by fear when he made no move toward you, his fingers still gripping tight to the door, and you felt your face start to heat in embarrassment as Sarah looked back and forth between the two of you like she was watching a tennis match. 

God, you were so stupid. What did you expect would happen, showing up out of the blue after over a year of no contact? Everything would fall into place again with just one long, heavy look? Believing it could be that easy turned you into a complete and total fool, tongue-tied and insecure and weak.

"Yo, what's the hold up?" John B's voice asked from inside the house and Sarah leaned down to call through the open window, "Come out here and find out!"

A wave of dizziness hit you like a truck and you took a sudden step back toward the stairs, arms wrapping around your stomach as it twisted itself into knots. "I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't have come. This was a mistake." You didn't notice the stricken look that crossed JJ's face or the three familiar, stunned expressions that appeared behind him in the darkened doorway before turning away and stumbling off the porch toward the road, leaving your bag behind and you definitely didn't notice how you barely made it off the bottom stair before a set of footsteps hastily gave chase. 

"It wasn't a mistake, Y/N!" JJ's desperate voice stopped you in your tracks, halfway across the yard with more than just rain running down your face. "Not to me, never to me."

His soft touch on your wrist sent shockwaves through your body and you instantly became putty in his hands, letting him turn you around without a fight to face him, watching in fascination as the downpour started to darken his gray shirt and flatten his hair against his forehead. Three years hadn't changed much about him -he was a little taller, hair a little longer, the muscles in his arms a little more defined- and when you met his wide-eyed gaze, beads of rain dripping from his long eyelashes like diamonds, you wondered if he was thinking about the differences time created between the younger you of the past and the you of the right now, too.

"Oh." You repeated dumbly, struggling for something, anything to say that didn't make you sound like an illiterate fool. Even at nineteen, words still weren't your strong suit so you let your actions speak for you as your hand reached out on its own accord to caress the silver star still clasped around his neck, the thumb still wearing his ring brushing slowly against the dip between his collarbones; he shivered, and you weren't really sure if it was from your touch or the cold. 

"Y/N." JJ said your name like a prayer, like he couldn't believe you were there in front of him, and you inhaled sharply when both of his hands slowly, carefully moved to cup your face, his calloused thumbs habitually wiping the tears from your cheeks over and over, even as more instantly replaced the ones he swept away. "I fucking missed you."

You stood there, looking like a damned drowned rat with your hair dripping into your eyes, shivering in your soaked jeans and Kildare County High School sweatshirt, the love of your life cradling your face so gently in his hands, and so many things you wanted to say flooding your brain but only the one that mattered the most managed to get by your trembling lips.  

"I'm still in love with you." 

You noticed a lot when you put your heart on the line: the steady, soothing sound of water falling through the trees, the bright, clean taste of rain on your tongue, how the sun was just barely starting to peek out from behind the stormy clouds, but they all paled in comparison to the little things you noticed about the boy in front of you; blue irises made even brighter by the red rimming his eyes, how he stepped closer on the wet grass until the tips of his scuffed boots touched your worn gray high tops, the way his hands trembled ever so slightly against your flushed face. 

"Well, it's your lucky day 'cause I'm still in love with you, too."

All of the breath left your lungs in one big rush when JJ smiled hopefully -oh, how you loved everything about that smile: his slightly crooked teeth, that dimple in his cheek, the endearing pink blush swept across his nose- and you felt yourself return it without a second thought, your own hope once again burning bright in your chest.

"Even after...everything?" Your voice shook like the fingers you slid into the hair at his nape and he leaned down to rest his forehead against yours, close enough you could feel his breath on your lips when he spoke.

"I told you I'd always love you, didn't I?"

You nodded, a delicious shiver running down your spine when he tilted his head just so and gently bumped your nose with his. You remembered all the times he did that through the years, a dizzying slideshow of memories that flashed through your mind like lightning, and your fingers wove themselves deeper in his hair. 

"I have so many things to apologize for," You said with a tiny, quiet shake of your head, tearing your eyes away from his in shame and staring over his shoulder toward where the rest of your friends watched from the porch, all crowded together at the top of the stairs with identical enthralled expressions on their faces. "There are so many mistakes I've made and people I've hurt and I have no idea how to even start saying sorry for it all." 

"Babe."

The sound of your old pet name caused your gaze to snap right back to his and your heart felt like it was about to beat right out of your chest when one of his hands trailed down the sensitive skin of your neck and then lower until it traced along the curve of your hip and left a line of fire in its wake.

"We'll figure that out later, okay?" JJ said as his fingers tucked a loose strand of wet hair behind your ear, a coy, ardent grin on his face. "'Cause I've been waiting three years to kiss you again and if I don't get to do it soon, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind."

You smiled -a wide, joyful, elated smile- and rose up on your tiptoes in anticipation. "Then kiss me." 

You didn't have to tell him twice. His lips pressed against yours desperately, like he needed you to breathe, like you were the very air in his lungs, religiously, like your mouth was the altar and he was there to worship as he pulled you close, the fingers of one hand tangling in your hair while the others dug into your hip. You kissed him back just as hard and the familiar taste of him on your tongue -mint, smoke, salt- sent that dearly missed spark racing through your veins like wildfire.

It was a little cliché, having your long-awaited reunion kiss in the rain but it was honest and candid and real and so much better than anything you could've dreamed. You lost yourself in his touch like you used to, clinging to him like a lifeline and pouring your whole heart into every fierce brush of your lips against his, both of you pulling away for a moment only to dive right back in each time. It was addictive, intoxicating, and you could've spent the rest of your life standing there in the middle of the yard and kissing like there was no tomorrow if a loud, ear-piercing wolf whistle hadn't come from the direction of the porch.

The two of you broke apart just barely, with foreheads still pressed together and swollen lips, and you couldn't stop yourself from giggling when JJ blindly flipped the bird over his shoulder before pulling you back in for another eager kiss that filled your whole body with an exhilarating, heavenly heat that never faded, even after four enthusiastic voices suddenly surrounded you like an excited swarm of nosy, buzzing bees.

"You aren't the only one who missed her, J." Kiara said, smiling widely as you reached out to grab her hand and pull her into a powerful one-armed hug, her chin resting on your shoulder.

"Yeah, stop hogging all the love!" John B added, throwing himself into the pile along with Pope, who slung an arm around your shoulders as he said, "Great to have you back, Y/N."

Sarah was the last to join and she quietly tucked herself under John B's arm with a pleased grin on her face, nodding when you mouthed 'thank you' in her direction. The six of you stood there in the rain, smiling like fools, and as the sun started to scare away the dark clouds overhead and in your heart, a weight you didn't even realize had been crushing your chest slowly began to lift away with each freeing breath. 

You still had a lot of work to do: wrongs to be righted, apologies to be made, explanations -not excuses- to be given for every shitty thing you did in your past. But as happy tears started streaming down your face once again and you felt the arms of the friends you’d thought were lost to you forever tighten around you at the sight, you knew in your bones all would be forgiven. You knew that after three long years, you'd finally come home.

-

let me know what you think! i read each and every one of your comments and cry because they mean so much to me! ❤

taglist ❤: @sinkbeneathwaves​ @cordeliascrown​ @maysbanks​ @jjpogueprincess​ @bibliophilewednesday​ @k-n-e​ @jiaraendgame​ @alexa-playafricabytoto​ @heypearce​ @sexualparkour​ (send me an ask if you’d like to be added or removed!)

[viewmasterfeeling]

for the byler prompts, could you do some mutual pining with eventual first kiss? maybe post season 3? but whatever you want! i'm sorry i'm a sucker for that trope.

Why, certainly!

(This is also posted on AO3. My username is @ wandering_soul_with_a_writing_goal! Here’s the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24313393)

Is it really that obvious?

-----

Note: I have no idea how a Family Video works.

-----

Will had gotten over his crush on Mike… or so he told himself. He told himself this so often that he almost believed it to be true. But that all went down the drain whenever he saw his best friend, an impossibly adorkable boy with fluffy hair and the most amazing, toothy smile. And the eyes, of course. The brown eyes that Will would just get lost in. No matter what Mike did, it turned Will into a blushy, admiring mess.

Having a crush wasn’t so bad, Will told himself, but having hope that they liked you back was. Because then you’d cling onto the false hope and only get disappointed, and things would be awkward, and your whole soul would be crushed. His soul had already been crushed several times once Mike fell in love with Eleven. Will loved spending time with Mike, but every time he saw El he had to remember that Mike liked her better. And that kind of sucked.

But, Will could get over it. He’d gotten over living through a week in the Upside Down, and the trauma that came after it. He’d gotten over literally being possessed. So, why was it so difficult to get over a tiny little crush?

But it was more than just a tiny crush, no matter how much Will lied to himself.

------

Mike was thrilled that the Byers’ were coming back to town. It was only for the weekend, of course, but he couldn’t help feeling excited for another chance to see his two best friends, Will and El. Mike considered all of his friends to be his best friends, but these two were just a little bit closer to his heart.

Mike had also discovered recently that he had… feelings for Will. Certain feelings that boys shouldn’t have for other boys. He kinda… liked him. Maybe even loved him.

Mike hadn’t seen either of them since he’d come to this realization. He was nervous. But excited.

-----

When the Byers family car pulled up in the driveway, Mike sprinted to the front yard, passing a very confused Nancy.

Joyce stepped out of the car, followed by El and Will. Jonathan was busy with some school assignments at his university, so he couldn’t come.

Will couldn’t help feeling relaxed seeing the place that he considered his second home. Of course, there were several layers of hurt and awkward feelings and rejection there, which hadn’t been patched up, but beneath that the comfort of Mike Wheeler’s house shone through, enveloping him and almost soothing his anxiety.

But not quite.

Mike burst through the door, broke into an infectious grin, and ran forward to hug El. Wait, no. He was coming towards Will.

Will felt himself being pulled into a tight embrace, and he couldn’t help but feel warm and also confused. Mike must have been confused as well, because he quickly broke away from Will and cast his eyes downward. He’s probably disgusted by me, Will thought.

“Uh. Hi.” Mike said coolly. Will was impressed how he could change so quickly from the smiling boy of Will’s childhood to chill, teen Mike.

Will, whose eyes had also been on the floor, risked a look at Mike’s face. Which was red. Probably from letting go of me so quickly. Will dropped his eyes quickly to the floor again.

Realizing he hadn’t responded, Will spoke in a calm voice, because two could play at that game. “Hey.”

Will looked back at Mike’s face, and was surprised to see two eyes focused on him. Two very beautiful eyes.

They kept eye contact for a few moments, Will trying to read Mike’s gaze. What was he thinking about? Why did he hug me first? Did he… miss Will? I mean, he obviously did. As a friend.

Will could have sworn that Mike glanced down at his lips. But before he could determine if it was real, the moment was broken by El, who called for Mike. He quickly ran to her and pulled her into a hug. After the two broke apart, El looked directly at Will and smirked.

What just happened?

Will tried not to overthink things. But that wasn’t very easy.

-----

Mike, Will, and El said a quick “Hello” to Nancy before taking off to the Video Store, where they would meet Max, Lucas, and Dustin. Mike, the tallest of the three, rode Nancy’s bike, while Will and El both squeezed onto Mike’s bike. They were bigger than they’d once been, so it was a tight fit.

The three arrived at the store and parked their bikes before entering the Video Store quickly to see their friends. Mike watched the excitement on Will’s face at seeing the rest of The Party. Dustin, Max, and Lucas took turns hugging Will and El, making comments on Will’s new haircut, which Mike had definitely noticed and liked a bit too much.

Soon, the six of them, reunited, fell into their old dynamic, goofing around in the aisles of the store, looking for any R-Rated movies they could sneak out (but probably not watch). They also grabbed a stack of sci-fi and fantasy movies which they would actually watch. But it was fun to sneak around Steve and trick him into breaking the rules.

They passed a shelf and Mike saw a copy of his all-time favorite movie, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes back. He reached out to grab it, but his hand was met by another hand. Will’s. They’d both, unknowingly, reached for the same movie.

Mike felt himself become a stuttery mess as he tried to speak. He put his hand into his jacket pocket and looked straight at the movie while saying, “You were-- I mean-- you can grab it.” Before Will could respond, Mike briskly walked away, his face warming, and tried to get back to joking with the Party, resisting the urge to look back at him. Play it cool.

If the party noticed something off about Mike, they didn’t mention it. Mike found himself making eye contact with a laughing El, then looking down at her hand, which was entwined with Max’s.

They checked out with their stack of movies, Star Wars being at the top. Robin was running the register, which meant probably no R movie.

She scanned all of the movies, (their trick didn’t work) and handed them all to Dustin. He triumphantly began to march away, and the rest of the Party followed him, laughing.

Mike lingered behind. He didn’t know why. But this was Steve’s friend who, according to Dustin, liked girls. Mike probably wasn’t supposed to know this, seeing as he had heard it from Dustin, who had heard it from Steve, who apparently heard it directly from Robin herself.

“What’s up, kid?” she slightly rolled her eyes at him, but also looked genuinely curious.

Mike spoke with a courage that he didn’t have.

“I, uh… you like girls, right?” he said, slowly and quietly.

Robin raised her eyebrows. “Depends. Is your sister interested?”

Mike shook his head. “No, I… I mean… I was wondering--”

“Ah. You like him.”

“What?” Mike knew he was definitely blushing.

“The brunette one. About yay high, way quieter than the others. You like him.”

Mike gave up trying to deny it. He sighed. “What makes you say that?”

“It’s like, so obvious. Like, I barely saw you for ten minutes and I could see it.” She smirked at him.

Mike groaned in reply. “Is it really that obvious?”

She nodded slightly and said, “Well… Hey, you better catch up with them. And hey, good luck, kid. I’m sure you’ll both figure things out soon.”

Mike was confused. He slightly shook his head, then walked quickly out of the building, leaving Robin to smile at the knowledge of these two pining idiots.

-----

The Party went back to Mike’s house and watched a few of the movies before getting a call from Max’s parents. She was needed at home immediately. Will could see the look of worry on her face, and sympathized with her. Eventually, Dustin and Lucas also had to go home.

The Byers, of course, were staying with the Wheelers. Will, Mike, and El finished watching The Thing before El claimed she was tired and climbed up the stairs to Nancy’s room, where she’d be staying. Will wanted to yell, “No! Don’t abandon me!” Because this was the part of the night that Will was dreading. Being alone with Mike. He’d also been waiting with anxious anticipation. Still, he’d wanted to avoid it for as long as possible.

There were a few moments of silence before Mike said, “Wanna watch Star Wars?”

Will nodded, grateful that Mike hadn’t made things weird. It was just two friends, watching a movie. That was all.

But as the opening text started to scroll along the screen, Will was watching Mike. He loved seeing excitement enter Mike’s face as his favorite movie played. Then his feelings turned around and punched him in the gut as he remembered that Mike didn’t care about him anymore. Not in the way he used to, and not in the way Will wanted him to. Will still remembered every vivid detail of their fight, and how Mike had called him out, and how Mike knew. Or, maybe he didn’t. Before he knew it, he was breathing heavily and staring at the floor, expressionless.

It took a few moments for Will to realize that the TV had been muted, and that Mike was walking away from the TV and towards Will, face full concern, as well as… nerves?

“What’s wrong, Will? Do you… wanna talk?”

Will was completely silenced for a good five seconds. Nerves had taken over his senses.

Mike spoke again before Will could respond. “I mean, uh… if you want to… Or we could just…” he trailed off.

Will felt a flood of emotions rush through him, trying to escape. He spoke in a somewhat steady voice, despite everything he was thinking about.

“I wish we could go back to how things were.”

The words were quiet, but effective. There was an astounding silence. Mike felt like he’d been punched in the throat.

Because it was Mike who’d ruined the future of their friendship. By being so ignorant and angry. And now, things would never be the same. There would never be anything more between the two of them. Because why would Will like such an angry person?

“Well, we can’t, okay?” The words came across a bit harsher than Mike wanted them to sound.

Another deep silence, this time Will feeling like he’d just been slapped.

“I know.” Will said, breaking the quiet. Of course he knew this. Will felt his emotions rising. He knew that Mike thought he was a freak, and, well, since they were “talking”, what better time for Will to explain to Mike all of this stuff?

“I know that you think that I’m a freak,” Will began, angry. “But that doesn’t excuse your shitty behavior. Just because you like girls doesn’t mean that you can abandon your best friend!” He was shouting at this point, releasing pain in the form of anger. “Even if we never-- I mean, even if you hate me.”

This word choice intrigued Mike. What was Will going to say before he cut himself off?

Could there be a chance?

Nevermind, that didn’t matter. Will was hurting. And Mike was going to fix it.

Mike, instead of arguing, pulled Will into a hug. This hug wasn’t quick or unexpected like the one from earlier that day. This was slow and comforting. Will didn’t push Mike away, but clung to him and let the tears fall. The two boys held each other for a long time, and there was nothing awkward about it to them. They’d been doing this forever.

They finally broke apart. Mike had something important to say. He looked right into Will’s eyes.

“I don’t think you’re a freak.”

Will sighed and shook his head. “No, you don’t get it, Mike. I am a freak. I… well… I…” He couldn’t say it.

Mike desperately, more than anything, wanted Will to feel normal, and loved. And if no one else was going to, Mike would be the one to tell Will that he… 

The secret threatened to come out.

Well, if it wanted to… 

Mike took in a shaky breath before taking possibly the biggest risk of his life.

“I like you, Will. No, wait. I love you.”

Will gasped quietly. Then he stopped. Don’t have hope. That’s the only rule. “You’re playing with me,” Will said.

Mike hesitated, then shook his head. “I love you, so, no matter what shit you’re going through, you’ll never be more of a freak than me, the freak who… who loves… who’s gay.”

Will looked up slowly. “Gay? So… you don’t like girls?”

Mike shook his head. “Only you.”

Will spoke slowly, almost allowing himself to believe it. “Well, then I’m a bigger freak, because I’m the freak who loves Mike Wheeler.” Will broke into a grin as Mike’s expression turned to shock.

“No. No way.” Mike shook his head, trying to stop a smile.

“Yes, way. So, I win. I’m the freak here.”

The relief in the air was prominent. It was so light that both of them could have floated. Star Wars was still playing silently in the background, but neither of them noticed.

The two of them looked into each other’s eyes with pure understanding and affection. Will chuckled, and so did Mike, and they both kept gazing at each other.

Will saw Mike glance at his lips. This time he knew it wasn’t fake.

Then, Mike slowly leaned in towards Will, meeting his eyes to make sure it was okay. Will nodded slightly, and leaned to meet his lips to Mike’s.

The kiss spread warmth all the way through both boys, as they finally found each other. Mike couldn’t stifle his happiness, while Will was still in shock. Either way, they accepted it and embraced it.

As they broke apart, Mike whispered something to Will.

“You’re my freak.”

-----

[isuzuapologist]

Rank the Sohmas based on how much you like them and why?

wow that’s gonna be a hard one to do..... i’m gonna put them in categories so i don’t have to strictly rank them.

not in any particular order!~

TOP 3:

yuki - first on my list! i already made a post about this but yuki is truly the character i relate to the most and i think his arc is not only my favorite but the most interesting to watch! he’s a treasure and the character i’m most drawn to. i always like to think he’d be the one i’d more easily befriend out of all of them!

isuzu - my sweet punk goth rebel... much like yuki her story and arc is one of the most interesting ones imo. in contrast to yuki, though, i think isuzu’s character allows us to see a very different side of the repercussions abuse has on a person. yuki presents well (overall) and keeps his problems to himself, but isuzu simply can’t do that. aside from that i just LOVE her will to fight and keep going, and her softer side. i adore her relationship with tohru.

kyo - how could i NOT have this absolute good of a boy in my top 3. i love love love his character and how much growth he’s able to achieve. i love his story, i love how he interacts with people!!!!! he has anger issues BUT i believe he is actually much softer with everyone around him than what it’s seen (which is often comic relief). super enjoyable character, and has everything i ask for in an orange haired anime boy. very cool of him.

love!!!:

momiji - very good boy. much brave. great fashion sense. really important member of tohru’s support squad in breaking the curse even if he’s not even aware of it. i think he just needs a tiny push to go at it like tohru and isuzu are doing. plus he really stands out to me for his courage. when akito hurts tohru in the beach arc momiji is the one who goes out to seek help and actively tries to stop the situation. meanwhile we see hatori, shigure and kureno (adults) standing in the back. vibing. even if momiji is scared to death he always does his best to make a change.

haru - adore him. love the way he takes care of people and his personality cracks me up all the time. his scenes are the best. although i wish he kept more of the attitude he had the moment he talked back to isuzu’s parents when he was younger!! he comes off as kind of passive sometimes even if i know he’s got it inside of him (hatori and kureno can’t relate). but anyway! truly love him. ((oh and the scene of his first kiss with isuzu didn’t sit so well with me.. anyone else??))

ritsu - i adore her. i think she’s relatable and a great portrayal of someone with anxiety!! (even if it is a litte clowned and meant for comedy) i don’t care if people find her annoying, i will forever defend her honor. she has a special place in my heart. how cute is she interacting with mitsuru??? how cute is it that she follows ayame around?? AND she’s a trans sapphic character hello?????? that’s canon. if i see anyone calling her a he i WILL throw punches. please refrain.

ok!!:

akito - hate them for obvious reasons BUT THEIR STORY... THEIR CHARACTER BUILDING............... OOF. super interesting, with an immense room for growth, they’re hot and they also make a great villain. pretty cool if u ask me.

kisa - baby!!!!!!!!!!! even though her story is short i love it and i wish we could have gotten more info abour her development in school. that would have been a really great chance to explore bullying without having it be based on flashbacks (also i’d die to see a scene where haru, rin and yuki go scare off her bullies. they’re terrifying. AND WHAT ABOUT YUKI BEING KIND OF HER MENTOR... oof) anyway i just love her. i’m also the year of the tiger so i couldn’t help but feel drawn to her when i first read.

hatori - i really like him but again, i wish he would MOVE MORE. take a stance. do something. please. if he wasn’t so much of a passive character he would be higher on my list. i find him interesting and you know i’m a sucker for emotionally distant characters but.. sometimes that just doesn’t cut it :/

hiro - essential for tohru’s growth!!!!!!!! he’s annoying but he’s so cute and has so much potential. i can’t help but find him to be sweet. i feel like we’ve all been a little like him growing up. belongs to the anger management (and bad bitch) trio along with kyo and isuzu.

ayame - can’t really relate to anything about him but he’s still pretty much here and queer, so props to that!!! also immense respect for mastering the art of being insufferable.

well,, :

kagura - find her kind of annoying to be honest. i still think she’s a cool character and i like that she helps out kyo in his growth + appreciate her humanity but eh... not really interested. her violent skits don’t really make me laugh and get old real quick.

shigure - love all his scenes, he’s incredibly funny and brings a LOT to the story. he’s ESSENTIAL. i just think he’s a deep, deep asshole. from what he does to akito (the ren thing??????), to the other members of the zodiac and to even mayu. i love him and enjoy him a lot but like.. dude. i can’t unsee that.

kureno - i like him and find him interesting but like............ he could have made such an impact and yet. kinda chose not to do anything. he has the potential to be a really cool character but. he’s disappointing.

[knamjooned]

Magicae Foresta (6)

pairing: (forest)dragon!namjoon x (unpracticed)witch!reader

genre: magic/supernatural au, shifter au, fluff, angst, smut, soulmate au

chapter words: 2,394

chapter warnings: none

chapter rating: G

STORY SUMMARY: The magical world your grandmother told you about had always been real to you. Once she passed away, you find yourself honoring her memory by searching for the one magical creature she could never find.

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Namjoon gathers the courage to talk to you and you get to ride on the back of a dragon.

SIX

Even though he had no official training, Namjoon had helped deliver several little ones in the forest over the last two centuries. With Taehyung’s help, the three cubs were magical checked over and cleaned up. Namjoon put a hand on the unicorn’s shoulder and took a step back as the new parents bonded with their children. 

“We should leave them be,” Taehyung whispered, turning and walking toward the door. Namjoon followed him through the door and down the stairs, knowing and feeling you at the bottom. He swallowed, gripping the railing as he moved. When he reached the bottom, Namjoon reluctantly let go of the railing and stepped onto the grass. Jungkook and Minji were laughing while your face was bright red. 

“Three little cubs have been born!” Taehyung cried, throwing his arms in the air dramatically. He flicked each hand and wildflowers began to grow in the small clearing, a full spectrum of colors. Namjoon grinned as he stayed back from the four of you, who had started yelling and cheering, at the edge of the flowers. He crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against a tree trunk. 

He heard and smelled a few creatures coming to see what the noise was about. A few fairies, a family of deer, and a bear with one cub observed from the edge of the clearing. Taehyung seemed to sense them as well, as he turned to look near Namjoon and waved to them. Jungkook and Minji agreed to go tell Seokjin, Hoseok, and Jimin the good news, while Taehyung took it upon himself to tell the other creatures in the forest the good news.

Namjoon found himself staring at you from his spot as you sat on the grass and pulled out a notebook and pen, glancing thoughtfully at the tree house. Did you feel the connection? Were you letting him go to you, or where you completely oblivious? You were focused intently on your notebook, scribbling slowly, then quickly, then slowly again, looking up at the tree house on and off. Swallowing, Namjoon made a decision. He could at least speak to you like a normal, friendly person.

He unfolded his arms and stuck his hands in his pocket as he tried to casually stroll toward you. When he was halfway there, you lifted your head and locked eyes with him. Namjoon felt like he’d been sucker-punched, all the breath leaving his lungs. Being distracted, his foot hit a stick, making him trip and fling his arms around to get his balance once again. The centuries old dragon flushed, mortified, as his eyes caught yours again, biting your lip to hold back a laugh.

Instead of strolling now, Namjoon just walked quickly and sat down in front of you, mirroring your pose. You put your pen down, a shy smile on your lips, and placed your things to the side. Namjoon licked his lips.

“Hi. I’m Namjoon.”

“Yes, the forest dragon shifter. It’s nice to finally meet you, Namjoon.” You held out a hand, and Namjoon took it, shaking it gently in greeting. His eyes stayed on your hands, his large one fitting nicely around yours. He didn’t want to let go, not when your skin was so soft and your natural scent became heavier and heavier the longer you held on to his hand. “My grandmother wrote a little about you.”

“Miss Silvia,” Namjoon murmured, pulling his hand back reluctantly. “I didn’t interact with her directly.” He felt guilty, knowing it was entirely his choice to stay hidden when she was visiting his area. What did you think of him, knowing that?

“I read that. She gave you the choice to appear to her, and you chose to stay hidden. Tata respected you greatly, and held no negative feelings toward you.”

“Really?” Namjoon raised his eyebrows, surprised. You nodded and tapped the book beside you.

“It’s written here.”

“I never meant any disrespect.” He let out a sigh of relief. There was a long pause, a moment of silence where something hung between the two of you. It was obvious what it was, but neither of you were racing to speak it into existence. You looked at your hands, and then glanced at his face. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you - you were so beautiful, not only physically, but he felt the good magic coming off of you in waves. Could he be biased because of his connection?

“I accept.”

“What?” Namjoon pulled himself out of his thoughts, unsure he had heard you correctly. You smiled widely at him and reached out, putting a hand on his knee. A current of warmth spread from your hand all over his body. Namjoon’s heart quickened.

“It seems the Great One has decided we complement one another enough to be mates. I may not have experience with this idea, but I’ve asked around. And, I accept.”

When Namjoon had tripped as he made his way, you figured there was more than just a dragon who preferred to hide in the trees. He had flushed, looked incredibly embarrassed, and decided it was better to just get in front of you than to look cool. As you shook his hand with your introductions, his touch filled you with energy up your and straight into your heart. It beat wildly, and you felt excitement and joy. You were proud of yourself for staying calm as he took his hand away.

You felt his eyes on you, so you couldn’t outright stare at him without seeming weird, so you took his features in with glances as the moments passed by. Full, pink lips, amber eyes filled with wisdom, and he had deep dimples on each side of his lips when he smiled. You felt only comfort and happiness when you were near him. Why would you reject this man, someone your grandmother had respected more than most others?

“I accept.”

Now the first step had been taken, you found yourself looking up in the air, studying the sky, as Namjoon strips to shift into the forest dragon. 

“Did you know Taehyung can shift without taking off his clothes?”

“Taehyung can do a lot of mysterious things, he’s much older than me,” Namjoon murmured. 

You saw Namjoon’s shadow on the ground grew on he shifted into his natural form. You found yourself looking up in awe, mouth open. His dragon form was forest green, with shiny scales and two s-curved horns on his head. His wings laid against his back, and he stood on all four limbs. In that position, he was easily fifteen feet tall. You stepped forward, reaching your arm out in front of you, palm facing him. 

Namjoon seemed to freeze, waiting for you to decide what was going to happen. His large, amber eyes watching you carefully as you closed the distance between you and one of his front limbs. You laid your palm on his scales, eyes trailing up and down, taking in the beauty. You feel some kind of pressing into your thoughts, and you looked up at Namjoon’s huge dragon head.

“I hope you are not afraid,” Namjoon said, his voice in your mind. You smiled and stepped back, testing to see if you could speak to one another when you were not touching.

“No, never. You’re so … beautiful,” you replied in your mind. You stepped to where his head was over you, gesturing for him to bring his face closer. For a moment, Namjoon seemed to hesitate, but then he did as you requested. You placed a palm on his nose, between his nostrils. You felt his warm breath gently caress your skin. 

“Uh, thank you. That.. that feels good,” he admitted shyly. A deep rumbling came from his huge chest. “I.. think you just made me purr. I didn’t know dragon’s could purr. Get up behind my horns, there should be enough room to straddle my neck so I can carry you.”

“I’m going to fly on a dragon?” you gasped in your mind. Namjoon laughed in your mind, and lowered his head enough for you to climb on. You didn’t hesitate, scrambling onto him and getting comfortable.

When he landed in his clearing, beside his cabin, he let you climb down and then shifted as quickly as possible. You looked dazed, hair flying every which way. Namjoon had done his best to stay low in the skies and keep a safe pace with you riding him, but he still worried he could have hurt you. You sat on the cabin steps, dropping your pack beside you, and ran a hand through your hair as Namjoon flushed and got dressed from the clothes in his pack. 

“This is your cabin?” you asked, eyes resting on his newly clothed form walking to the stairs. He took one step, then stopped, looking down to where you were sitting. He looked you over, and you let him, but there was nothing but innocent curiosity in your eyes.

“Yes. Why?” It wasn’t much, but he considered it cozy and comfortable, with a fairytale charm. You scanned the edge of the clearing, then looked up at Namjoon, who held onto the railing anxiously.

“I was here before. There was an invisible wall around it. Is it still there?” You stood and started walking toward where the wall had been before. Instead of being stopped, you walked right past the exact spot. Namjoon watched you, turning and leaning against the railing with an amused smile, relaxing his hold. You frowned and walked back toward the cabin. You went right to the stairs without being stopped.

“It’s still there, but it’s attuned to who I considered friendly. You may enter and exit whenever you please.” 

“Can you teach me how to do that?” You stepped next to him on the stairs, your excitement becoming contagious. He had never really taught anyone his personal knowledge of magic, but he would of course teach you.

“It’s nature magic, using the natural wind and making a solid but clear wall. It seems like something you could learn easily.” Namjoon grinned and gestured toward the door. He was nervous to show you his personal space, but excited to see how you felt about it all. “Come in, let me show you around. If you still want to stay, it’ll be your home as well as mine.”

“From what others of the shifter circle told me, you rarely share what you consider yours,” you said, taking a step in front of him into the living room. Namjoon’s heart fluttered as your mouth fell slightly open, your eyes moving in all directions to take it in. You stood silently for a long time. 

“So… what do you think?”

He looked around his living area, hoping nothing too weird was noticeable. The first thing you saw when you walked in was a large living room that looked like the size of the whole outside of the cabin. There was a square inlay in the middle of the room, with a fire pit in the center. A magical fire was always crackling there. On the upper square, there were a few couches and side tables, along with a large TV on the far wall. Three different openings led down a hallway to different parts of the home, like the kitchen, his bedroom and bathroom, and his treasure room.

“Is it just me, or is it bigger inside?”

“Ah, part of dragon magic,” Namjoon murmured, unsure how to take the stars that appeared in your eyes as you turned to him. He scratched the back of his neck, shrugging like it was no big deal. And it wasn’t, not to him. “It is bigger inside. I… dragon’s like to collect, it’s part of who we are. I need space to put my things, I suppose.”

“Collect? Like what?” While you spoke, you wandered around the room, gently touching the items with your hand, running your fingers over them as you passed. Namjoon stared as you respectfully studied his living area. He waited for you to continue, but you just glanced back at him for a moment, then went on exploring. You were very curious, which he found highly attractive, but also respectful, which went a long way for him.

“Well,” he started, pulling himself out of his thoughts. Namjoon caught up with you and walked beside you, leading you toward the third opening. “A lot of things,but my passion is cultural pieces from the different creatures of the forest. I trade whatever is needed in exchange for these items.”

“Interesting,” you murmured, stopping at a closed door. You looked over your shoulder as Namjoon stepped close, reaching around you to turn the doorknob. He felt your body heat only inches from his own, and wondered if it made your head spin as much as it did his. Namjoon hesitated for a moment.

“I also have small weapons, books, figurines, and coins. It’s a little cluttered… I haven’t organized it in a while,” he added.

“No judgement, promise,” you assured him with a grin. His nervousness lowered as he opened the door. Namjoon waited for you to pass him, then entered behind you. “Wow! This is fantastic!”

Namjoon flushed with pride as you stood just inside the door and scanned the room. There were book shelves covered in what he had said: books and figurines. Weapons were hung on the wall, from small or large, and a large glass case displayed coins from different eras and places. One whole wall was displaying the different items Namjoon had been given from the forest dwellers, hanging on a wall or setting on a shelf. There were some boxes scattered that held more books, figurines, coins, and other things he hadn’t found a spot to set them.

He watched you make a beeline to the forest dweller collections. Namjoon leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and a soft smile on his face, as you read the small display cards for each piece. There were tribal masks, painted canvases, sculptures made with different mediums, and even items made from the things that can be found in the forest. 

“Thoughts?” he asked. Your personal view on his collections was very important to him, he realized. You turned around and chuckled.

“I told you, this is fantastic. I love this.”

[maaaaaatryoshka0325]

Spectrum: Yang Jeongin Gang AU

Description: Some things are better left unsaid

Warnings: violence, angst, fluff

Collab with the lovely @backhugsforhyunjin 💕

We went scene by scene ☺️

Autumn was your favorite season, hands down. You loved the vibrant colors, the smells of pumpkin spice, the campfires, drinking hot tea and hot chocolate. But your most favorite thing about it, was the fact that your best friend, Jeongin, would whip out his leather jackets. He always let you wear them and borrow them.

It wasn’t just the feel of the leather jacket, it was the warmth from his body and his smell that had you wanting them. He had always figured you just loved them because they were comfy and oversized, but you never had the courage to tell him otherwise.

He was with you almost every second of the day. In school, at your house, he’d visit you at your lame bubble tea job you got just to have some extra cash, and you’d always go out together. Everyone assumed the two of you were a couple, and, oddly enough, it never bothered you.

You looked up at him as you were walking down the path back to your house, the trees a beautiful shade of orange. He had dyed his hair pink recently, and you found it rather flattering for his skin tone. Jeongin’s face looked really young, but he had an air to him, like he was much older.

“I can’t believe Changbin spilled lemonade on my jeans.” He complained, looking down at the wet patch on his thighs.

“You know he’s clumsy, you shouldn’t of allowed him that close to you with an open drink.” You giggled.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Still, he needs to start paying attention. Now I’m sticky and I don’t like it.” He pouted.

“At least you wear all black, if they were white it’d look like you peed yourself.” You laughed.

“Oh you would’ve had a ball if they were white and he spilled it on me.” He huffed with a roll of his eyes.

“You know me too well.” You giggled, playfully bumping him with your shoulder. “Do you have any homework?”

“When don’t I have homework Y/N?” He asked with a pout.

“Yeah, you’re right. Your professor loves to over work you guys.” You chuckled.

“Not funny. I swear he likes to see us suffer.” He groaned.

When you got back to your apartment, you both walked in and set your bags on the table.

“Hot chocolate or hot tea?” You asked, opening your cabinets.

“Do I look like an old man? Hot chocolate, duh.” Jeongin said sarcastically.

“I, for one, love tea.” You pointed out.

“Alright grandma.” He said, bending down to grab the cookies you had under a shelf.

You kicked his butt and he let out a small yelp as he fell foreword, almost smacking his face off the shelf. He whipped his head around and glared at you, a pout on his lips.

“Are you trying to kill me?” He asked.

“Bitch, I might be.” You giggled.

He got up quickly and grabbed you, digging his fingers into your sides and tickling you.

“Jeongin! Stop!” You squealed.

“Say you’re sorry!” He laughed.

“Never!” You yelled, fighting off his hands.

He over powered you too easily, making you a squealing, laughing mess. Tears streamed down your face as you laughed too hard, but your pride didn’t let you admit defeat. He stopped when you started wheezing because you couldn’t breathe.

“Well, you’re the first person I know that’s too stubborn to admit defeat when it comes to tickling.” He laughed.

You were catching your breath, but let out a tiny, raspy chuckle. You groaned at the feeling, as it hurt too much to laugh. His eyes softened as he helped you up, rubbing your back.

“Sorry, I should’ve let up.” He said with a soft giggle.

“I probably should’ve sucked up my pride and tapped out.” You rasped.

He sat you down as he made the hit chocolate, using a thick creamer to make it taste better.

“Good shit, you have the extra marshmallow hot chocolate.” He said with a huge smile on his face.

“Um, that’s the only kind I get dummy.” You giggled.

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” He muttered, putting the mugs down.

You both sipped on your hot drinks as you took your books out, both growing silent. The only sounds in the room was the sounds of your pens scratching paper, and the occasional sound of the both of you sipping your drinks. Jeongin let out a groan and you looked up from your textbook, arching a brow.

“I can’t believe I got suckered into this anatomy class.” He groaned.

“Do you even need anatomy for your major?” You asked.

“No, but I needed another credit and it was the only class open. And Seungmin said it wasn’t hard.” Jeongin huffed.

“Seungmin is also a genius.” You pointed out.

“What does that make me?” He asked, arching a brow.

“Not a genius.” You giggled.

He took a marshmallow that had fallen out of his hot chocolate and flicked it at you, making you scrunch your nose in amusement.

“You love me.” You giggled.

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” He mumbled, closing his book.

“Are you finished?” You asked.

“No, but I could use a break, and we have the whole weekend anyways.” He pointed out.

“If you get it done now you won’t have to worry about it later.” You argued.

“Y/N, come on.” He groaned. “You know I like to procrastinate.”

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you.” You laughed.

“Come on Y/N, let’s go to the arcade. Two hours and we’ll come back and finish.” He pleaded, poking his bottom lip out in a pout, his large eyes getting bigger.

“The pout and puppy dog eyes won’t work on me, Jeongin.” You laughed.

“I’ll let you wear my jacket.” He tried, raising his eyes brows.

“.... Deal.”

"What should we play first?" Jeongin asked with a hint of concern.

"Basketball!" You yelled a little to excitedly, making Jeongin's cheeks tint red.

Jeongin couldn't help but laugh at you, you just looked so cute and innocent, he just wanted to pinch your cheeks, but he had to restrain himself.

Jeongin sighed as you won the game of shooting hoops, well, for the third time.

"I'm so tired of this Y/N, you keep winning. Let's play something different. How about that walking dead game? You know, the one where you have to shoot the zombies?" Jeongin asked while slowly taking a step away in case you hit him.

You looked around to have a look at the different types of games they had to offer, stopping when you saw a group of four boys staring at you. You quickly nodded, a little too excitedly from Jeongin's point of view, but it was actually because those guys wouldn't stop staring at you like a piece of meat. You grabbed a hold of Jeongin's wrist, dragging him to the little booth you had to sit in. There it is again, that little pang in his heart, that keeps beating rapidly when you do small gesutures, like touching him or smiling so cutely that all he wants to do is hold you in his arms.

"YAH, Y/N! You did this on purpose!” Jeongin whined and you quickly grabbed your bag and got out of the booth, Jeongin attempting to grab your wrist and missing it completely, getting out of the booth to catch you.

You stopped in your tracks when you looked up at those boys again. They haven't moved a step since you last saw them. Jeongin came up behind you and scared you, letting a little squeal escape your mouth. Jeongin noticed your eyes widen and your figure start to slowly shake.

"Y/N, what's wrong? Is everything okay?” Jeongin asked worriedly.

You looked him in the eyes, fear evident in them.

“Those guys over there, don't look just yet, but they keep staring and it’s making me uncomfortable Innie."

Jeongin ruffled your hair and told you not to worry, before he looked up and at those guys and noticed who they actually were.

"Fuck!" Jeongin mumbled quietly, but loud enough for you to hear. You looked up at him and could see how scared he looked.

"Jeongin, what's wrong? Why do you-" Jeongin cut you off by grabbing your hand tightly.

"We need to leave. Right now." And with that, Jeongin pulled you by the hand out of the arcade.

Running, that's all you were doing. You couldn't breathe properly and your legs were hurting, but Jeongin wasn't slowing down.

"Je-Jeongin, I ca-can't breathe properly." You choked out.

Jeongin made an abrupt stop and your body slammed into his, Jeongin making sure to grab a hold of you so that you didn't fall. Jeongin sighed in relief once he glanced around, seeing the boys were no where in sight. He pushed your hair back behind your ears and rested his forehead against yours.

"I'm so sorry Y/N." Jeongin whispered.

"Who were-" You were cut off as you were yanked away from Jeongin, the both of you looking up at one another.

"Well well well, look who we have here." The large guy that was in front of you, was now walking over to Jeongin, who was being held by two other men.

You went to walk towards Jeongin when a large body stood in front of you.

"I wouldn't get any closer if I were you princess. This isn't going to end well for him, maybe even you if you get involved." The large man said to you while taking small steps closer to you.

Jeongin saw the fear on your face and how the man kept getting closer to you. "Get away from her!” He yelled, receiving a punch to shut him up.

"JEONGIN!" You yelled, wanting to take a step toward to him but instead taking a step backwards to get away from the men in front of you.

You stood there crying as the men began to punch and kick Jeongin. You didn't know what to do, you wanted to help him, but you were too scared. By the looks of it, they would hurt you, even possibly kill you.

Jeongin fell to the ground and looked at your crying and shaking figure. He gave you a reassuring smile before speaking.

"Call Chan." He yelled, before spitting the blood out of his mouth.

You look at him in confusion. What's Chan got to do with this?

Jeongin noticed your hesitation.

"Just say Gangnam boys. He’ll understand." Jeongin choked out, barely able to form any more sentences.

You looked in Jeongin's eyes again before he sends you a nod for reassurance. You nod back and start to run as fast as you could, forgetting about your sore legs from before and dialing Chan's number.

You paced as the phone rang, anxiety gnawing at your stomach. You chewed your lip as the call went to voicemail.

“C’mon Chan, please.” You sobbed, dialing his number again.

“Hello?” He finally answered.

“Chan.” You sobbed. “Please help Jeongin.”

“What happened?!” He asked.

“H-He told me to say Gangnam boys.” You repeated the name into the phone.

Chan went silent for a moment, a curse leaving his lips.

“Where the fuck are you two?” He asked.

“By the arcade.” You answered, tears pouring down your face. “Please hurry Chan.”

“Stay hidden, we’re coming now!” Chan yelled.

You could hear him running out of his house, and you could hear everyone else’s voices too. You closed your eyes tightly as you let out a tiny sob, sliding down the wall and onto the ground.

You’ve never been so scared in your life, and it wasn’t even for yourself, it was for Jeongin. Your best friend was still in that alley way, getting his ass handed to him, and there was nothing you could do about it.

“We’re about to be there Y/N, I’ll call you soon!” Chan yelled before hanging up.

You wished Chan, or someone, had stayed on the line with you. You were a trembling, sobbing mess.

“Please be okay.” You sobbed. “Please.”

“Y/N!”

You lifted your head and looked around, sniffing as the voice echoed.

“Y/N!” The voice yelled again.

Jeongin!

You stood up and dashed from your hiding spot, frantically looking around. You quickly ran down the back alley, your heart beating through your chest.

“Jeongin!” You called frantically.

“Y/N.”

You turned around and your heart sank to your feet. Jeongin stood there, his cheek bruised, a cut on his lip. He quickly walked towards you, his eyes full of relief.

“Are you hurt?” He asked, grabbing your hands.

“N-No... I’m fine.” You managed to get out, your heart thumping wildly in your chest.

“Thank goodness.” Jeongin sighed in relief, about to give you a hug. You backed out of his touch, and he gave you a questioning look.

“Jeongin... What was that?” You asked.

“It’s nothing now Y/N.” He said.

“It’s not nothing Jeongin! I watched you get beat up!” You yelled, your eyes glassy with tears.

“Y/N- don’t cry. I’m okay.” He said, trying again, to hug you.

You shoved him away by his chest, shaking your head at him as you tried to fight back your tears.

“What was it Jeongin?” You asked.

“Y/N please-“

“Jeongin!” You yelled at him, cutting him off.

He fell silent for a moment, his large, pretty eyes sad. He sighed and ran his finger through his soft, pink hair.

“I’m so sorry Y/N.... I never wanted to tell you but... The guys and I... Uh... We’re a group called Stray Kids.” He said hesitantly.

“So you guys.... are a gang?” You asked, your eyes trying to find a look of amusement in his own, HOPING you’d find it and he was just joking with you.

Jeongin hesitantly nodded as you searched his face. He was telling the truth, but you were trying so hard to believe it wasn’t true. That he was just messing with you, and none of this happened.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that this would happen and-“

“Do you ever fucking think Jeongin?!” You yelled.

He flinched at your words, shock evident in his eyes. He looked down at your smaller figure, shaking with fear, anger, and heart break.

“If you ever used that brain of yours, you would’ve never gotten into a gang! You wouldn’t be in this mess!” You yelled.

“I’m sorry Y/N, I really am. Please... Just let me explain.” He pleaded, his large eyes full of hurt.

“Don’t bother Jeongin.... I don’t want to hear it... You could’ve gotten killed... Right in front of me.” Your voice cracked as you ripped his leather jacket off and shoved it into his chest before walking away.

He instantly grabbed your arm, but you couldn’t turn around and look at him. You knew what his soft, beautiful eyes could do to you. His sweet smile would make the butterflies erupt in your belly, his warm eyes turning your legs to jelly.

“Please Y/N... Don’t do this.” He whispered.

You ripped your arm out of his grasp and ran off. Jeongin watched you go, a tear slipping down his cheek and burning his wound. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Chan.

“Just give her time, Jeongin. It’s a lot to take in, especially after what just happened.” Chan said.

“It’s just... I was going to confess to her today...” Jeongin said softly.

Chan squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, his dark eyes soft.

“Like I said, just give her time. She’ll come around. Now, let’s get you patched up.” Chan said, leading Jeongin away.

You kept running until you reached your apartment, not looking back, not even once. You didn't care that it was getting hard for you to breathe, as well as your legs feeling like they were going to give in at any second. You just wanted to get home and try to forget the whole day, but you knew that wasn't going to happen.

You reached your apartment door, struggling to get in due to your shaking hands, but eventually you managed. Once you got inside you leaned your forehead against the door and sobbed, your legs finally giving in as you turned your body so that your back was against the door sliding down till your tired body hit the floor.

You couldn't wrap your head around it, any of it. Was Jeongin being serious? Was he really in a gang? He couldn't be that stupid... Could he? You were suddenly brought out of your thoughts when you heard a familar but not so familiar voice.

"Y/N is it?" he asked, knowing very well who you were.

You looked up at him and nodded, too afraid that your voice would betray you and reveal how terrified you were.

The large guy just laughed in amusement, knowing that he could indeed get what he wanted by using you as bait.

"Perfect.” He mumbled before walking up to you and punching your face, making your body hit the floor hard.

You groan3; in pain and let out a whimper as he grabbed a hold of your hair and pulled you close.

"You're beautiful kitten. I doubt Jeongin, or any of the boys would want anything to happen to you." He said before pulling a cloth out of his pocket and pressing it against your nose and mouth. You looked into his eyes before everything turned dark.

"Hyung, I'm okay, I promise. Can you let me go and see Y/N? She hasn't called or returned any of my texts. I'm starting to get a little worried." Jeongin asked as he stood up from the bed.

Chan could only sigh, he knew how special you were to Jeongin.

"Fine, but we’re coming with you, okay? Jeongin nodded eagerly and got up to get his shoes, ignoring how much pain his body was in.

The guys waited anxiously at your door, worried that you actually hated them after today. They all absolutely adored you and treated you like their sister, considering you were always around them. And they didn't want to leave you.

Jeongin grew panicked as you didn't answer the door. He quickly went to your front garden and pulled the hat off the garden gnome, grabbing the keys. The boys instantly started to laugh at the spot the key was in, as well as Jeongin knowing all too well where it was.

He hesitantly placed the key in the key hole, worried that maybe you would be even more mad at him for invading your space, but he was just genuinely anxious.

As the door opened he noticed your phone on the floor right at the door as well as your hand bag. He picked it up not thinking much of it and wandered straight to your bedroom, while the others looked around your apartment.

"JEONGIN!" Chan yelled from the kitchen making Jeongin jump, making him run straight back downstairs.

Once downstairs Jeongin looked at all the boys, he couldn't quite figure why their facial expressions were so serious. "Hyungs, what's wrong? What's with that look?” He asked anxiously.

No one spoke, all too afraid too see their youngests reaction. This only caused Jeongin to grow more panicked.

"Somebody speak up. Don't leave me out of this. It's Y/N we’re talking about! He yelled. “I love her"

He mumbled the last part, leaving the boys in shock.

Chan hesitantly handed the note to him. Jeongin ripped the note out of his hands, his eyes widening in shock. It was a note stating where they were and what they wanted as well as a picture of you basically out cold with your eyes covered and hands tied behind your back, bruises and cuts evident on your skin.

"We have to help her! We can't leave her!" Jeongin sobbed, choking on his tears.

"It's too dangerous Jeongin, we can't risk it." Chan stated.

"You guys are ridiculous. I'm going and I don't care if you don't come."

You opened your eyes, a groan leaving your lips as your head was pounding. Your cheek was throbbing, and the metallic taste of blood was on your tongue. You slowly raised your head, looking around the dark room you were in. The walls and floors were worn and concrete, the smell of old rain filling your nose. Your hands were bound behind your back, your body aching as bruises covered your body.

“Finally awake kitten?”

You jumped at the voice and whipped your head around, seeing the man that had been in your home. He stepped towards you and you coward away, tears filling your eyes.

“Don’t be afraid sweet thing, I won’t hurt you... Again.” He chuckled. “You’re worth more alive right now.”

You wanted to ask him what he meant, but fear made your tongue tied. Your body shook with fear as you backed as far away from him as you could.

“I hope he doesn’t keep us waiting. It’d be a shame for something to happen to such a pretty little bitch.” He purred.

“W-What?” You asked.

“Your boyfriend I’m assuming will get our note soon, and you should pray that he does. I’m not patient.” He growled.

“Jeongin won’t come for me.” You lied, hoping he’ll fall for it.

He gave you a smirk and bent down to your level.

“You can’t fool me kitten, I know he’ll come for you. I know they all will.” He said.

“You’re gonna be disappointed when they don’t show up.” You tried again, swallowing hard.

He gripped your chin firmly, his teeth grit.

“Keep it up kitten, those little bruises you have will be nothing compared to what I’ll do to you.” He growled.

“Get off of her.”

Your heart fell through your chest when you saw Jeongin standing there, his white shirt stained red, his face and body bloody and covered in cuts and bruises.

“Look who finally decided to join us.” The man chuckled.

“Get off of her.” Jeongin repeated, anger in his tone.

The man let go of you, a crooked smile on his face as he and Jeongin began to approach each other. You closed your eyes and flinched when they threw their fists, the sound of flesh on flesh filling the room along with their grunts. You curled into yourself as the sounds kept repeating, and you so badly wanted to cover your ears.

You heard a familiar grunt and a heavy thud. You looked up to see Jeongin on the ground, clutching his side. The man smirked at him, his face busted open as he kicked Jeongin in the stomach. Jeongin coughed and curled into his stomach with a grunt.

“It’s a shame you got beaten up earlier and before you got to me... This fight is boring.” The man said, kicking him again, this time in the side.

Jeongin wheezed as he pushed himself into his hands and knees. A grunt left his lips as the man kneed him in the face, splitting his lip open.

“Jeongin!” You cried, a sob leaving your lips.

Jeongin coughed as he pushed himself back on to his hands a knees, making a laugh leave the man. The man grabbed a metal pipe, a smirk on his face.

“It’s a shame this fight is so boring... But maybe she’ll be more fun than you.” The man chuckled.

“Don’t!” Jeongin rasped.

Your eyes filled with fear as the man approached you, a wicked smirk on his face. You curled further into yourself, trying to get into a better defense position. The man gave you a wicked laugh as he swung the pipe down on you, and you closed your eyes. Something warm splashed your cheek, the sound of metal hitting something and a small grunt was heard above your head.

You slowly opened your eyes, a gasp leaving your lips as Jeongin was above you, blood pouring from a gash on his temple.

“J-Jeongin!” You gasped, tears pouring down your cheeks.

His eyes were dark, one swollen as he turned towards the man, twisting the pipe with his arm and ripping it from his hands. The man staggered back in shock, then screamed as Jeongin swung it and began to beat him harshly with it. Blood splashed on the ground as Jeongin got lost in his anger, making your heard pound.

“Jeongin stop it!” You cried, making him freeze.

He looked back at you, shock in his eyes as he did.

“Please... Please stop.” You sobbed.

Jeongin dropped the pipe, his body swaying slightly. He slowly began to make his way to you, walking with a small limp. He stooped down in front of you and slowly cut your hands free. His eyes widened as you threw your arms around his neck, burying your face into the crook of his neck as you sobbed. He closed his eyes and dropped his head onto your shoulder as you sobbed, clinging to him tightly.

“I was so scared Jeongin.” You sobbed.

“I know Y/N... I know.” He whispered, rubbing circles into your back as he held you tightly.

Chan walked in, a sigh of relief leaving him as he watched the two of you. Minho walked in beside him, a deep gash on his cheek.

“Let’s get them home.”

Back at the house, everyone proceeded to clean the other’s wounds while Jeongin focused all of his attention on you. Being as gentle as he could, he placed the ointment over your cuts and bruises before carefully bandaging you up.

The group had remained silent ever since your breakdown in Jeongin’s arms. You felt embarrassed, confused and most importantly, betrayed. Glancing up for a moment, you see that everyone was still being treated, before your eyes landed on the boy in front of you. Jeongin’s wounds had yet to be treated, his priority being to care for you immediately. You took hold of his arms to move them away from you, standing up to motion Jeongin to sit in the chair.

“Stop trying to fix me. Look at yourself. Look at all of you! Look at what you’ve all got yourself into.” You raised your voice, loud enough for all the boys hear.

You shake your head as you sigh heavily. Grabbing the supplies, you move to sit in front of Jeongin before lifting your hands to his face to clean his wounds. Neither of you had spoken for a few moments until Jeongin stopped your movements by grabbing your wrist. Looking into his eyes, you waited for him to speak. You noticed how his eyes had become glossy.

“I’m sorry.” Jeongin choked out. Your face remained emotionless at his apology.

“Sorry doesn’t cover for the fact that you lied to me.” You replied bitterly.

“I know. You have every right to be upset with me. With all of us. But you have to trust me when I say I only hid this from you so that I could protect you. Please Y/N, just trust me.” Jeongin begged.

“Protect me? I almost got killed tonight because of you! How is that protecting me? You don’t know how afraid I was!” You ragged, fists clenched by your side.

“And you don’t know how afraid I was when I knew that you were in danger. I tried so hard to keep you safe. I never want anything to happen to you. Please believe me.” Jeongin pleaded with you.

“Why should I believe you?” You frowned at the boy.

“Because I love you Y/N.” Jeongin confessed, making your eyes go wide.

“Y-you w-what?” You stuttered out. There was no way you’d heard him right. Judging by the looks on the other guy’s faces, no one expected those words to come out of his mouth.

“I’m in love with you Y/N. That’s why I lied to you. That’s why I wanted to keep you safe. That’s why it hurt me to see you in danger. Y/N I love you.” Jeongin poured his heart out. You’d never see Jeongin so vulnerable in your life. You almost didn’t know how to react. But what you did know was one thing.

“I love you too Jeongin.” you dropped the stuff in your hands before wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you buried your face in his neck. Jeongin’s arms snaked around your waist, pulling you tightly against him. For a moment, neither of you moved, cherishing the moment in each other’s arms. When you pulled away from the boy, you playfully punched his chest before pointing a finger at him.

“No more secrets, okay?” You stated, brows raised in determination.

“No more secrets.”

[maren-reads-books]

Divergent by Veronica Roth

A world a hundred years in the future, after a war destroyed most of civilization, in the city of Chicago, people are split into factions, five groups based on core traits. Abnegation values selflessness, Candor for honesty, Erudite for knowledge, Amity for kindness, and Dauntless for bravery. Beatrice has never felt like she quite fit in in Abnegation. As her 16th birthday and choosing ceremony approach she has a choice to make. Will she stay with her family or will she leave them? Her aptitude test should tell her, but her results are inconclusive, now left to decide for herself, she has her life in her hands. Little does she know her choice will change the world as she knows it.

---SPOILERS---

For those of you who were big readers in middle school in the era of SuperWhoLock, when Tumblr, Wattpad, and AO3 reigned king among fans, you probably read the Divergent series. I know I was obsessed, as a person who feels superior when I’m carrying around more than one big book I felt very proud of myself when I carried this trilogy into my sixth-grade science class and proceeded to not pay attention despite reprimands. I later wrote many fanfictions and watched the movies obsessively but that eventually faded from view as I got older and the series became just books on my shelf. But since we’re in quarantine an I’ve got nothing better to do, I’ve decided to re-read a bunch of my books, starting with this series. This first book made me completely nostalgic. I’m a sucker for sci-fi/dystopian worlds, and though this one isn’t the best it’s also not the worst, especially for young readers. Sure it’s a little cliche but it’s such a fun read. When I first read this book I was in awe, I wanted to be Tris so bad, she had the courage to leave her family and fight and become strong. I loved the idea of people being separated into a like minded group of people and I wanted so badly to be Dauntless. When she first got there and made friends I was so happy for her but I immediately hated Peter, I mean how could you not? And he just gets worse, and when he beats her up in the ring? Asshole. But it’s so cool to see her grow and get stronger and evolve, not only in physical and mental strength but as a person. Her friendships are evolving along with everything else, I know what its like to finally find that core group of people, and it was cool to watch her discover her people. (Also the Uriah and Marlene and the muffin scene, I was so in love with that moment, it was so pure). Then her mom shows up on visiting day and we find out so much, most prevalent I think it the fact that she is Dauntless? What?! I did not see that coming. But then everything goes downhill, Tris gets good and she gets attacked and she realizes Al was one of them, and then he dies. Like damn, way to move very quickly into a bad place. It hit me in the gut, real hard. On a totally unrelated not, I was so enamored with her and Four’s relationship, from the beginning you can totally see their connection. I will admit it moves a little too fast for me, I’m more into slow burn kind of stuff, and it’s so cliche but still undeniably adorable. And when they go into his fear landscape together and she learns his real name and why they call him Four? Adorable! (I would love to see my fear simulation, although I’m pretty sure there would be some clowns in there, and that’s, not something I want to see ever). I was so nervous for Tris when the simulations started thought, every time she was close to being caught my heart was in my throat, I was so worried about my girl. But then she gets first place and she is a Dauntless member and she could have a really great life but then everything goes to shit. When I realized that Tobias is also awake I melted, I was so happy, and then Eric has to go and mess it all up. But Tris gets to shoot him and it was awesome, but it doesn’t stay awesome. And then Tobias doesn’t know who Tris is because of the serum, and oh my god, I hate Jeanine Mathews so much (side note, Kate Winslet portrays her so well in the movies). And then they try and drown her even though she’s already been shot? Wtf, that’s so messed up. But then mom to the rescue! I knew from the moment she freed Tris that he was going to make it and it hit me hard when she died, I was so hoping to learn more about her history in Dauntless, not to mention that Tris hasn’t really seen her parents since she left. She must have had so many questions, and then Marcus is there. Like, fuck him, if I could reach into a book and punch someone I would hit him before I hit Jeanine. I was worried for them all as soon as they went back to Dauntless, but it was so cool to see how she’s grown and how she’s able to handle herself now. And then there’s Peter and I’m just gonna say it, I was not surprised that he was awake, he’s such an ass. But then she got to shoot him too, and that made me feel a little better. Tris suffers so much loss during this book, her mom, and then her dad, and she had to kill Will? It’s so not fair. The first time I read this book when she found Tobias and he was fighting her I was so worried that she was going to him to hurt or even kill him. But then his divergence and his love for her made it possible for him to break free. Ah, true love, how positively cliche, but very on point for a YA novel. I was so worried when he saw his father. But then Tris stood up for him, and honestly, you go, girl, he deserves so much worse (kind of wish the Dauntless had gotten to him). I can’t imagine being one of the Dauntless who was under the simulation, waking up and realizing what you’ve done? It’s so messed up, but it ends on a massive cliffhanger which I didn’t appreciate because I mean really? You start a war and then boom the book is over. Sorry for the crazy and kind of disorganized review but I do really love this book, it’s an easy and fun read with a cool world to immerse yourself in, I would recommend it.

-maren

[michael-langdon-appreciation]

Don’t forget about the foursome with this epic collab!!

OH HONEYYYYYYYYYY I WOULD NEVER FORGET ABOUT THE FOURSOME.

Here’s Part 4 ❤️😘

(Gets smutty here!) 

Over the past couple of months you’ve have little to no contact with anyone but Michael. It been lonely and isolating, the few friends you had have moved on with their lives and all phone calls and Facebook messages since have been brief episodes of small talk. You can no longer punch through the veil of distant friendship. The foursome are tangled so intimately with the fabric of who you are that there is nothing else to talk about, and no one would exactly approve of a polyamorous relationship even if you did confess. 

Michael has thrown himself back into ending the world. Gone most of the daytime and holed up in meeting with The Cooperative, you only see him in the mornings and then late in the evening when he was tired and the stress of the day forced your Antichrist to curl up behind you in bed. Michael was trying to make a life for you both, but the two of you haven’t been intimate since the day everything changed.

Neither of you have heard a word from Jim, or Duncan. 

Duncan’s silence broke Michael more than anything, the kind of pain it takes years to come back from. You can’t help the coil of jealousy that furls deep inside you whenever you catch Michael in the midst of his despair. He leans over the kitchen countertop, phone in hand as his thumb wavers over the call button. You keep an eye on him over the top of your laptop and wait for Michael to yet again bottle his courage. A pained little noise escapes his lips, the phone disappearing into Michael’s pocket and Duncan Shepherd is ready to be forgotten about for a couple of days. 

It can’t go on.

‘Perhaps it’s time to talk to him.’ You offer, closing the laptop lid. 

Michael looks so defeated, ’I can’t.’ 

‘The two of you were in this long before Jim and I came along.’ You point out, ‘To just cut him off-’

‘What do I say?’ Michael meets your eyes, ‘That he broke me? That all our time together meant nothing? If he thinks can just discard me like I’m a bad business transaction-’

‘Yes, he’s been a huge dick.’ You can’t believe you’re the one defending him, ‘But you don’t know what he’s thinking. Maybe an explanation is what’s needed.’

‘He wants Jim.’ Michael grabs a packet of Oreos out of the cupboard and shoves one in his mouth, ‘He can have him.’

His eyes meet yours again, crumbs coating Michael’s mouth. You know what he’s waiting for, ‘I haven’t answered Jim.’ Michael knows this, but he still craves the reassurance. ‘I won’t do so until we’re in a better place.’

Michael opens his arms and you step into them automatically. He kisses the top of your head, ‘Where are we, exactly?’

You don’t have an answer. You can’t remember the last time you kissed Michael Langdon, ‘I don’t know.’ You search for something better than that, ‘Together, I guess.’

He seems satisfied, but you wonder if it’s enough. You both stay that way for a few minutes, letting the weight of Michael’s head rest atop yours, indulging yourself in the warmth of his arms. His golden locks tickle your face, ‘If Jim and Duncan are a thing…’ Michael begins, ‘What do we do?’

You bite down what you want to tell him. That you know for a fact that Jim and Duncan are not speaking due to the paragraphs Jim’s sent you. There’s a new one everyday, varying from excerpts about his day, to Medina’s latest surfing championship, to how much he misses you. Every day you read them and then mark them as ‘unread’. Jim’s intent is crystal clear, he has never asked about Duncan or Michael. 

‘If they’re happy I don’t think we can ruin that.’ 

It’s not the answer Michael wants. It’s a lie, but it’s better than the truth. You look up at him, this man who is sculpted to perfection. Michael should never be in pain, he doesn’t deserve this. The tension between the two of you is magnetic. You can both feel it. Michael leans down, his hands sliding round your face to pull you in. Your hand creeps up to rest against his chest, the light pressure making him halt, ‘We can’t do this.’

He swallows, ‘Why?’

‘Because we’re only doing it because we’re hurting.’ 

You escape his grip, tuck your laptop under your arm and head over to the dining table. Michael remains motionless, staring at the spot you were once standing in. His hands ball into fists and then he brings them down hard on the countertop, ‘Michael!’

You know it’s hurt him. The pain is more than he expected as Michael cringes in obvious agony. You run straight back over, taking his fists in your hands. They’re going to bruise, ‘Stupid man.’

He wrenches free of your grasp, ‘I’m going out.’

‘You need to put ice on them-’ 

Michael ignores you. He seizes his coat and shoves his arms through it and buttons it up, ‘I’m going out.’

‘Michael-’

‘What, Y/N?’

‘I still love you.’ 

He freezes, ‘You love me, but you won’t let me kiss you.’ 

You let Michael leave. He needs time to cool down and you’ll give it to him. 

With no sign of Michael returning anytime soon, you start the day with coffee. The line at Starbucks was long, irritating and you were beginning to think a cold brew was worth the wait today. The smell of roasted beans is overpowering and you can see the stack of cinnamon buns slowly decreasing, sinking your spirits even further. The guy up front has been taking forever, his trench coat and neat hair giving off the appearance of someone who clearly has their life in order. 

You hate him for no reason whatsoever. 

Things begin look up as another Barista opens a till and Trench Coat looks as if he’s finally finished. Then he points to the last cinnamon bun in the display case, the one you had been eying up for yourself and your frustration boils over, ‘Just order already.’ 

The entire line turns their heads to look at you, including Trench Coat. His soft brown locks fall in front of his eyes, his mouth dipping into an ‘o’. He ignores the Barista trying to shove his coffee at him. You’re both caught spellbound as you meet those deep blue eyes - Duncan Shepherd. 

You’re heading back out the door immediately, coffee forgotten about, ‘Y/N!’ 

He’s got longer legs than you and Duncan easily catches up with you, standing right in-front and blocking your way on the street, ‘I don’t want to see you.’

‘We run into each other when there’s however many Starbucks around.’ He points out, ‘This is fate.’

‘Since when do you believe in that kind of crap?’

Duncan’s trying to balance his coffee, cinnamon roll and his phone. His hand guides you over to the couple of seats outside. It’s a cold day, too cold to be sat outside but you have little choice but to sit down. Duncan means business and you’d rather get it over with than be harassed by his assistant. ‘How have you been?’

You throw him the nastiest glare you can muster, ‘Really?’

‘Bad start.’ He puts his coffee down on the table, along with his phone. ‘You still with Michael?’

‘Yes.’

Duncan nods, thinking things over. ‘Not surprised there.’

You frown, ‘Why?’

Duncan crosses one knee over the other, a move you’ve learned signals that his guard is up, ’You two. You’ve always had a…deep connection. Deeper than with Jim and I.’

‘We’re just honest with each other.’

His face turns to stone, ‘I was going to tell you.’

‘When?’

‘That afternoon. As soon as everything had cleared…Jim just panicked. Ruined it all.’

You reach across and take a drink from his coffee. It’s an action based entirely on habit, you stealing sips from the boys coffees to try new things. It’s black and you cringe, but Duncan’s smirking from ear to ear, ‘What?’

‘I’ve missed that.’

You place the coffee cup back down, ‘Michael misses you. He keeps trying to call, to give you a chance to explain.’

Duncan leans in, his forearms resting on the table on either side of his coffee, ‘And you?’

You blink away the sudden bite of tears, ‘Of course I do.’ You’ve latched onto the corner of his sleeve, ‘I should fucking hate you for causing all this.’

‘You should.’ Duncan agrees, ‘I don’t blame you. But I miss you, all of you.’ 

‘Especially Jim.’

He tries his best to not let your barb get to him, ‘Jim, he was so different. The opposite of me, laid-back and dumb at times. I don’t know why or how he suckered me in so easily. But he did.’

His hand slips into yours, but you tug it away. ‘I know you Duncan.’ You say, ‘You’re full of strategy. You’ll try and wheedle your way back in and then take him and this time you’ll win.’

Duncan shakes his head, ‘Things have changed.’ 

‘Because he chose me?’

‘Because I don’t want to carry on with this gaping fucking mess inside me.’

Duncan doesn’t often admit his feelings. He reaches for your hand again, standing up and leaning over to make sure he has you in his grasp. ‘Y/N, I can’t focus on work. I don’t know what i’m doing and I’m fucking things up for my family.’ His thumb slides over your hand, ‘I need a break.’

His intonation hits you like a freight train, ‘We can’t.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it would be wrong.’ 

He bites his lip and it’s so sexy you feel your stomach tighten a little, ‘Just blowing off some steam.’ The upper right corner of his lip quirks up, ‘And I think from how you shouted in Starbucks, you need a break too.’ That storm is brewing in his eyes, Duncan’s fingers trailing over your skin. ‘I’m staying at the Four Seasons.’ Duncan reveals, ‘I hope you’ll meet me there.’

It’s hard not to agree right away. Duncan’s tongue glides out across his top lip, employing all his charm. You want things to go back to how they were, but this is something different.

This is meeting Duncan, exclusively. On your own.

‘I’ll come.’ You say, ‘But I’m not agreeing to anything. I just want to fix things.’ 

’We’ll see.’ Duncan lifts your hand to his lips, presses a gentle kiss and then he’s standing up. The spell is broken and you find yourself standing too, out of politeness. Duncan slides the coffee back to you, ‘Keep it. It’s how you drink it anyway.’

He knows she’s going to show. Because Y/N is predictable, and Duncan knows that Y/N will do whatever to reunite them all. The months in-between have been hell and it’s taken all Duncan’s restraint not to message any of them, to keep his head down and work like a dog to mask his feelings. To think about spreadsheets and code and elections rather than the feel of Y/N’s breasts, Jim’s needy whines or how Michael’s rings feel against his skin. Duncan Shepherd, the man without the balls to contact the three people he supposedly loves. How could he start up a conversation with Michael, the man who brought him into the man he is today? A man he passed up for Jim, the Beach Boy who never really loved him. Even Y/N whose eyes sparkle with devotion looked at him with such hostility, Duncan has thought about cancelling five times. 

But he won’t because he’s a selfish man. 

He needs this. 

Duncan has been prepping the hotel room for the past half hour, the flowers have been laid out, the champagne chilled in a bucket, a dessert platter lies under a silver domed tray. The lights aren’t dimmed yet but Duncan’s got on his best Tom Ford suit.  

The knock comes at eight pm on the dot. Y/N hasn’t bothered to dress up for him and Duncan’s disappointed. Perhaps it was too much to expect Y/N to dress up for him, to put on a beautiful dress, her hair styled perfectly and her make-up perfectly in place. She dumps her bag on the nearest surface and folds her arms, ‘Michael doesn’t know I’m here.’

‘Of course he doesn’t.’ Duncan already knows this, ‘Would he really let you see me?’

‘He would follow me I’m sure.’ 

He likes that answer, because yes, Michael has always worn his heart on his sleeve, just like Y/N, just like Jim.

Duncan shoves down the pain, Jim’s rejection still white hot and raw. But Y/N is standing there, her hip jutting to the side. She looks so confident, despite everything. How did she come out so squeaky clean? What the fuck does she have that he doesn’t? 

His lips collide onto hers, Duncan’s hands dragging Y/N right into him. She pushes against his chest, her cry of indignation muffled as Duncan pushes his tongue into her mouth. She tastes fucking amazing, of cinnamon and sweetness and it’s all too familiar and engulfing. He used to taste that everyday. A taste that used to dance on Jim’s tongue and make him feel even better than cocaine. 

Y/N rips away from him and with a CRACK, Duncan’s head flies to the side. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’

His hands still grip her, painfully hard. ‘Showing you what you’re missing.’

‘Fuck you, Duncan Shepherd.’ 

‘You will.’ He grins, diving back for a second round. ‘Stop fighting fate.’

She fights for another minute, but her hands slide everywhere. Over his shoulders, gripping his jacket tight, his ass. Finally they settle in his hair, tugging sharply at the roots. Y/N’s kiss bruises his lips and Duncan’s obsessed with the feeling racing through him. He hasn’t felt this alive since the very first time he took her, Michael watching from between her legs, Jim over on the sofa fisting his cock in his hand. 

They find their way to the bed, stripping clothes as they go. Duncan’s already suckling at every spot he can reach when she taps him, ‘I can’t have marks…Michael-’

‘Right.’

They’re both being selfish, letting their lust control them. But Duncan has gone far too long without being buried inside her and his body missed Y/N more than he cares to admit. Their pace is natural, experienced as Duncan quickly has he lying underneath him. Her breasts look wonderful as he leans one down and suckles it into his mouth. He plays her like he always has, Y/N arching and keening underneath his every touch. ‘Duncan,’ 

‘Hush,’ He purrs. ‘Let me take you apart.’

‘You’re a fucking dick.’

He slides his cock through her folds, watching the sparks fly in Y/N’s eyes. ‘What’s Michael gonna say?’ He challenges, ‘When he finds out you’ve been stuffed full of me again?’

‘Doesn’t need to know.’

‘And Jim?’ He’s being cruel. Neither of them will ever spill about tonight, not now it’s gone this far. ‘He wants you so bad, my Beach Boy and you’re here letting me fuck you.’

She grabs him by the ass and pushes Duncan in before he can do anything else. He groans in sheer pleasure, her slickness dripping into a puddle beneath them as he fucks Y/N roughly into the bed. Her tits bounce and she’s thrusting back up into him and letting her cries echo freely around the room, ‘OH GOD.’

‘Fuck.’ The curse slips out because she feels so fucking good and fuck he has missed her. 

‘I’m close.’

‘You missed me?’ He grunts it out, his cock pushing as far in as he can. ‘Missed how deep I can get my cock? Making you cum all over me? Your pretty cunt drooling?’

Y/N whites out, cumming early and Duncan’s gone too. He explodes, triggered by her early release and he fights back the embarrassment because it’s been too long for either of them. Y/N’s hands slide over his back, the motion gentle as Duncan pumps her full of his cum, ‘Duncan.’ She sighs it out, all the tension leaving her as Y/N brings him back in for a kiss. Duncan can feel the anger ebbing away with his orgasm. He surrenders for a blissful moment into her, Y/N’s smell and how soft she is. Duncan stays within her, his cock softening and his head resting on her shoulder. Y/N’s fingers flitter through his hair almost absentmindedly, ‘I did need that.’ He can’t watch her from his position with his face buried in her hair, but Y/N’s voice is soft, ‘Peonies. I didn’t even notice.’

He smirks, ‘My efforts finally being appreciated?’

He can feel her nod and a wave of pride surges through him at her approval, ‘The champagne is a nice touch. Very Duncan Shepherd.’

Duncan can’t hold back his smile. To be rewarded and praised, to be admired by someone even for a short time feels exquisite. Y/N always had a talent for making him loose, pliable. Something not even Jim could accomplish and lying there in her arms, Duncan feels his heart wailing for more. 

He wants her. it bubbles deep within him and maybe it’s the loneliness and the want to see Jim again, to reunite with Michael. 

No. 

This is different. 

Duncan leans up to kiss her, soft and gentle. Y/N lets him, her fingers massaging into his back, ‘I want to see you.’

She still under him, ‘I want things to go back to how they were.’

‘I don’t.’

She gives him a tired look, ‘Why?’

Because the old way didn’t work. Duncan was never fully happy. He craves exclusivity, to be the only one in her life. Because if he can’t have Jim…then he’ll take Y/N away from him. 

He can be happy with Y/N. 

Duncan captures her lips and slides out. Her face creases from discomfort as he lays down beside Y/N and pulls her into his arms, ‘Can we try it?’

‘Behind Michael’s back?’

‘If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.’ He says, ‘But I think tonight proves that despite everything we can’t resist what is natural.’

She thinks it over, long and hard. Y/N may have an agenda, but Duncan doesn’t care anymore. He can show her that he’s good for her, Duncan can offer Y/N the world, ‘One date.’ Y/N says, ‘And in return, you finally speak with Michael.’

‘Deal.’

TAGGING: @michael-langdon-owns-my-soul @langdonsinferno @pastel-cloudz @misslanabananaa @lovelykhaleesiii napping-is-my-favorite @tickled–pinkmoodpoisoning @lvngdvns @ccodyfernn @asstichrist @yourkingcodyfern @langdonsdemon @satcnas @russianspacegeckosexparty @rosy-pugs @luxuryglitterhoe @langdonsoceaneyes @sodanova @petersfern-fics @avesatanormalpeoplescareme @sassylangdon @confettucini @sammythankyou @wroteclassicaly @Sloppy-Wrist @Langdonalien @alexcornerblog @sevenwondr @queencocoakimmie @sojournmichael @langdonsdemon @satcnas kinlovecody @kylosbabe @americanhorrorstudies @xxpixiefromdixiexx @elenareginaauditore @dadddysprincessss  @gremlinkween @readsalot73 @astir-bread @i-will-die-for-jim-mason @ms-mead @mega-combusken @hanhanxx @kahhlo @thelangdoncooperative @sojournmichael @langdonsrapture @ritualmichael @cryptid-coalition @sloppy-little-witch-bitch26 @infernal-langdon @jim-mason2 @duncandimension @dark-jim @jimmlangdon @xtheinevitableprophecyx @moontheweirdpan @moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown

[bluehhj]

listen to me — chapter 38

LISTEN TO ME — 0038

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 1.7K

Jinah felt as if she were walking beside a heavy storm cloud that would start shooting lightning everywhere at any moment. It was a surprise to see that Jade was willing — as far as possible — to go to class that Monday, given that she could barely sleep the night before and everything around her made her want to cry repeatedly, but, Jinah was starting to believe the idea had not been so good. Perhaps it would have been better if the american had stayed at home, the motives were explicit on her face.

— "Jade" — after looking at her out of the corner of her eye more than four times and holding on to herself not to keep a safe distance, Jinah finally spoke, using as much caution as she could muster. — "Is everything alright?"

Obviously it was not all right, but Choi never thought that crossing the campus next to one of her best friends would become so tense. Jade was no longer crying, though the makeup covering her face — including all the freckles, which, unfortunately, she made a point of hiding — made it clear that her intention was to hide her dark circles and her haggard expression. Her jaw was clenched, and Jinah, in all the years she had known Kang, could tell with conviction that she had never seen her carry such a sharp look. Truth be told, Jieun looked ready to do a massacre. It was a little scary.

Jinah had her question completely ignored. The same had happened to Chan, a little while earlier, still in the kitchen of their shared apartment. With Felix too, when they met at the college entrance and he came to know how she was doing. All of this generated some pressure, as if she were a time bomb. It got worse as Jade walked straight past her office building and headed toward the life sciences building.

— "Where are you going?" — asked Jinah, again in vain. She would have an appraisal exercise in seven minutes, but she felt that, if she let the american do what she was going to do on her own, it would definitely go wrong. — "At least wait for me!"

Jade entered the corridors like a hurricane. Little did she know which way she was going, her eyes just darting over the little plates above the doors, and when she finally read 'Biomedicine — Ninth Period', she didn't think twice before entering the room. Luckily, there weren't many people waiting for the professor yet, but the one she wanted to find was standing right in front of her. Kang left no warning before gathering all the strength she had in her body, clenching her fist and punching Josh's face, who fell to the ground with shock.

— "Jade!" — scolded Jinah, pulling her friend by the arm. — "It could cause you to be expelled from college, you idiot!"

— "I warned you that you weren't supposed to come into my life with Changbin, didn't I?" — Jieun practically spat in Josh's face. A trickle of blood ran down the boy's nose, who couldn't take his eyes off of the floor. — "I thought I could trust you!"

— "Calm down" — Hyunjin got up from his desk and joined Jinah in trying to continue the mission of controlling the american girl's nerves. — "Jinah's right, this is no time or place to work it out."

— "I could take the case to the dean right now and get you in a lot of trouble," — muttered Josh, blankly, still not looking up or even making to get up.

— "Well, do it!" — answered Jade. — "So I'm free to break the rest of this cynical face of yours!"

The way Josh was acting was totally and completely contradictory. He barely had the courage to look Kang in the eye, such was his shame and regret, yet he still acted like an idiot because it seemed a thousand times easier than stepping on his own pride, apologizing, and accepting that this fight was no longer his, that Changbin had won that time. Josh loved Jade, but Jade loved Changbin. And now she hated Josh. It hurt.

— "You talk like it's just my fault..." — and it really was, but maybe he deserved the punch and a little more. Damn the dean and all the bureaucracy. — "Since you even closed your eyes..."

Like fire finding gasoline, Jade went up on Josh again, needing Jinah and Hyunjin to stop her from reaching Lee. Angry and frustrated, she tired of debating uselessly and shoved her two friends, then left the room with the same speed she had entered. Jinah sighed and exchanged a discouraged look with Hyunjin, who, nonetheless, reached out and helped Josh to his feet, but made no point of saying anything to the latter.

And it was still only Monday.

                                                           ♡˖°

Minhwan lit another cigarette.

The perfectly glazed car was smelling of smoke, but he didn't give a shit. Standing under the shade of a tree, a few yards from the college's main gates, he had more important things to think and worry about.

The distance he was in did not allow him to see exactly, but, after so many days of doing the same routine, he had become accustomed to the condition of seeing her only from afar. And it was almost unbelievable to think that time could only make Jinah more and more beautiful.

Minhwan felt hate, but also felt love. Sounds crazy, but you can't blame him, after all, that's what he is. A crazy, insane, unbalanced, delirious, wild and every other synonym found in the dictionary. However, like everything else in this life, he had reason to be so, since living on crumbs while spending most of the day following someone from afar as a hallucinated was not a choice any sane person would choose to make.

It used to be like a light at the end of the tunnel. Darkness was everywhere, but there was a speck that he pinned his hopes on and clung tightly when everything else pressed down on him. Minhwan was only sixteen when he met Jinah — his little flame in the middle of a freezing night —, and, from then on, the weight on his shoulders became much more bearable. He hadn't had a chance to find out what many people's hearts had to offer, but, of the few that had ever done him any good in his life, Choi was certainly, the most valuable. There is not always someone who is willing to sew a heart full of cuts.

Minhwan had been raised by his maternal grandmother since his mother died at his father's dirty hands and was sent to prison. He had no siblongs, thank God, so he wouldn’t have to witness another innocent child suffer all that he had suffered as a child. The marks were everywhere, both on his body and his soul. At the time, Minhwan didn't have many friends to talk to, but he was pretty sure the parents of the other street kids didn't do what his did when they were alone at home. And even as an adult, he still couldn't find enough words to describe exactly how he felt, just carried the unwanted whimpers in his nightmares and a screaming horror in his heart. When his grandmother also died, it was as if the old bricks supported by only a crumbling pillar collapsed and threw their heavy debris on his back — the world came to the ground. And then, Jinah appeared.

Minhwan didn't believe there was a more amazing person on Earth. Even with all his faults, Choi had accepted him and made herself available to cure him of all his suffering. Her smiles functioned more like infinite anti-inflammatories that sent the pain far away and spread tranquility through every cell of his body. Minhwan loved her so much he felt his chest sting, and strongly believed she would be by his side forever. But then came insecurity and fear.

After so many early losses, he had taken some trauma from too strong relationships. Jinah had a lot of friends and much more uncomplicated and interesting people to talk to; so, anyone who approached and took one of her kind smiles was already viewed as an opponent by Minhwan. The boy never wanted to lose her, only that possibility made the scars in his heart ache as if they might reopen. And Jinah always knew so much cooler guys! Guys who knew how to be romantics, who were prettier, who had more money, who could offer her so much more than an obsessive love! Although Choi had never cared about these things or disrespected him at some point in their relationship, it was impossible for Minhwan not to let jealousy gradually overwhelm his conscience, causing him to make threats, be aggressive and extremely controlling, act impulsively and hurt one of the only people who really cared about him, all for fear of losing.

But it was no use, because he lost anyway. Now, he couldn't even get close to Jinah thanks to the subpoena he received when Choi informed the police that she was uncomfortable with his presence. Not that he cared about laws or court orders, but, on second thought, it was even better, since Minhwan didn't want to do anything ahead of time and wasn't sure what would be his reaction to being face to face with the boy who lately only knew how to draw passionate glances from his girl.

Han Jisung. Minhwan hated him. He was pretty sure Han didn't deserve all the love Jinah gave him, just as he didn't love Choi enough — in Minhwan’s tormented head, no one would love Jinah more than himself. It was simply unbearable to see them kissing or walking hand in hand on the street, it looked like a misplaced piece in a complicated puzzle. Minhwan wanted Jisung to disappear once and for all... He wanted to disappear too. Or rather, wanted to find peace... But he couldn't do it without Jinah.

Although now she looked genuinely happy, as when Minhwan promised.

Yeah... Maybe Jinah should disappear too.

Everything's gonna be okay.

a/n: things are going downhill lol

I decided to talk a little bit about how Minhwan feels not to be like in those stories that the couple is having a wonderful time and out of nowhere a crazy idiot appears to end it and that's it. I didn't put it in all the words, but I imagine you guys understood that he was abused by his father when he was little and this generates an absurd trauma to any child, especially if not treated with a specialist doctor, so this is one of the reasons why he's kind of crazy like that.

Josh is not just another sucker either, he just has a hard time dealing with his feelings and that makes him stupid most of the time, but I ask you guys to calm down. You guys don't even have to like him yet, I just want to say that, like Chaerin from the beginning of the au, his attitudes don't show everything he really is.

and speaking of Chaerin, let's add Seungmin and say that they are missing in 'Listen To Me', don't you guys think? I at least think that and already advance that the two little angels will soon be between us

can I ask you guys to tell me your expectations? if you guys are liking it or what you expect. I haven't asked this for a long time and I always like to know, so don't be afraid to tell me :)

I'm leaving now, Ily and see you guys in the next chapter <3

[duhragonball]

DBZA Episode 60, part 2

I have some mixed feelings about this one, so I figured I’d do another commentary and explain why.

First off, the biggest disappointment of this segment was that it did not feature a bitchin’ cover of Bruce Faulconer’s “Gohan Fights Frieza.”

I can almost imagine the intra-office debate over this when Team Four Star planned Episode 60.  Lanipator digs the Faulconer score of the U.S. dub, while Kaiserneko seems to only barely tolerate it.  We’ve gotten covers of Faulconer’s SSJ Vegeta theme, and a version of Perfect Cell’s Faulconer theme, and maybe a couple of others I can remember off the top of my head, so it seemed like a bitchin’ cover of “Gohan Fights Frieza” was inevitable.   For my money it’s one of the crown jewels of the U.S. dub. 

In case you’re not familiar with the song, let me explain the title real quick.   It’s called “Gohan Fights Frieza”, but it was never actually used during the Frieza saga.   It actually debuted during the Funimation dub of the Garlic Junior Saga, when Gohan starts kicking the crap out of Garlic’s henchmen.  From there, it sort of became the “Gohan kicks ass” theme, and it was used again when Gohan defeated Garlic, Jr. himself, and again during the flashback to Gohan colliding with an apple tree as a baby.  But those are kind of obscure moments, so everyone tends to think of it as the song they used when SSJ2 Gohan demolished the Cell Juniors and toyed with Perfect Cell.  After that, it returned for Gohan’s climactic fight with Super Buu, and then they just started using it in battles Gohan wasn’t actually in.  

My guess is that Bruce Faulconer composed the track to accompany the Gohan vs. Frieza sequences on Namek, or possibly the episode where Gohan dreamed about Frieza, but someone’s plans changed.   Fun fact: Faulconer composed a really awesome theme for Future Trunks, but it never actually gets used in the U.S. dub.  There’s a reprise of the song when Goku teleports Cell off the Earth, but that’s about it.   Not sure why they didn’t use it, but oh well.

And this may have had something to do with the decision to not use it in Episode 60.  If they’d had AinTunez cover it, would be kind of awkward to use the name.  “Hey, if you liked watching Gohan fight Cell, check out AinTunez cover of “Gohan fights Frieza”, now available on iTunes. 

More likely though, TFS simply couldn’t use the song because it didn’t fit the pacing of the episode.  Abridged!Gohan murders the Cell Juniors with a frightening efficiency, and the music they did use for those scenes was ominous and quiet, which helps emphasize Gohan’s lines.  “Gohan Fights Frieza” worked precisely because Gohan had very little to say while it was playing.   He just starts clobberin’ guys and this badass theme starts playing over it.  There just wouldn’t have been a good spot in the episode to put it, or at least a segment of the song long enough to justify its use. 

So after the Cell Juniors were killed, I thought they might have been saving GFF for the battle with Perfect Cell, but no go.  That battle is even more efficient, with Cell getting zero offense in for the entire fight.  To be sure, Cell couldn’t hurt Gohan in the original version, and most of their fight was Gohan simply toying with Cell, and Cell’s attacks would only connect when Gohan allowed it.   It’s one of the longest fights in Dragon Ball, but most of it is Cell getting increasingly frustrated as he slowly realizes he’s outclassed.  In the Abridged version, Cell doesn’t even get to pretend he’s in a fight.  Here’s a blow-by blow of the fight in Episode 60:

Gohan lands a left punch into Cell’s abdomen.

Gohan follows up with a right uppercut to Cell’s chin.

Gohan kicks Cell in the face.

Cell tries to destroy the earth with a Kamehameha, which Gohan blocks with his own Kamehameha.

Cell throws one punch at Gohan, which misses.  Gohan hits him in the abdomen with a knee strike, causing him to vomit up 18.

Gohan lands another knee strike to Cell’s head, and that’s when Cell prepares to self-destruct.

I haven’t gone over the original footage very carefully, but I know the “Gohan Fights Frieza” song was used right before #3 on that list.  Cell threw a kick, and Gohan caught his shin in one hand and started revving up, which gave the music a chance to get going.   In Episode 60, you get none of that.  Gohan just kicks him in the face cold, which is just brutal.  There’s no time for catchy theme music or powering up.   Cell never even has a chance to try to defend himself.  He can’t even get a decent banter going.  The wild thing is that TFS actually cut some of Gohan’s offense, probably because it followed Cell offense that they wanted to cut out of their version.

I’m kind of torn on this, because on the one hand, it’s very different from what happened in the original version, but on the other hand it’s brilliant use of the footage.  Gohan didn’t hit Cell that many times, but every blow staggered him or left him reeling.  If you cut out everything in the fight that doesn’t matter, all you’re left with is a very short sequence of Gohan mugging Cell and waiting for him to get back up.  It reduces Cell to a punching bag, which is a suitable punishment for all the bad things he’s done up to this point.  And it highlights Gohan’s distaste for fighting.   He’s made up his mind to kill Cell, and to make him suffer, but he’s not going to draw this out any longer than necessary. 

Still, I think this approach misses some of the beauty of the original.   It’s captivating to watch Cell get suckered into thinking he has a chance.  Gohan indulges him at first, but then it becomes clear that Cell can’t touch Gohan, so he finally reveals his full power to turn the tables, only that doesn’t work either.  He tries to destroy the Earth, and when that fails, he just goes beserk, which only hastens his demise.   By that point, Cell is completely out of options, except to just slug it out until Gohan sees fit to kill him.   He’s completely trapped, and he knows it, and watching him squirm is what makes that fight so great.   By distilling the fight down to six minutes, TFS reduced it to its essence, but I think they may have lost something along the way. 

Then again, maybe it emphasizes enough other things to make up for it.  One of the things I loved about the original is that you can explain the length of the fight by Gohan’s reluctance to kill Cell.  As much as he’s making him suffer, I think he’s dragging things out in the hope that Cell will surrender, or that someone else will finish him off for him.  The Abridged version makes Gohan much more resigned to killing Cell, and so when he puts it off, it’s because he’s so angry about being put in this situation.  It makes Goku’s apology to him resonate more.

Also, condensing the entire Gohan/Cell encounter to the ~1 hour runtime of Episode 60 helps to reinforce the themes of cowardice vs. courage.   Characters called Gohan a coward for holding back in part 1, but he had good reason to fear unleashing his hidden powers.    In part 2, he failed to beat Cell and his dad had to die to make up for his bad judgement.   Nevertheless, the situation is far better with Gohan using SSJ2 than not, but it shows that he wasn’t just being a scaredy cat before.  

In the end, Gohan proved he wasn’t a coward by facing his fears, even though they were justified fears.   If you want a coward, look at the guy who yammered on and on about how much he wanted a worthy challenge, then ragequit as soon as he got one. 

Say what you will about Vegeta, but when he got his ass kicked by Frieza, he took his medicine, even when Frieza offered to spare him in exchange for his fealty.   When 18 turned the tables on Vegeta, he kept trying.   When he let Cell become perfect and it backfired on him, he kept on fighting, even when he knew it would be hopeless.  When Cell finds himself in the same boat, he turns into a total chickenshit, and it’s a glorious thing to see.  This guy just wanted a fight because he was bored, not because he truly enjoys the challenge of facing a superior opponent.  Being an artificial life form, he has no idea how to face defeat.   If he had any pride or self-respect, then he might face the consequences with some dignity.   If he had any morality or compassion, he might plead for forgiveness and learn something from his humiliation.   

But Cell can’t do any of that.   Like Gohan, he’s got a bit of a superiorty complex going, but where  Gohan can grow up and move beyond his flaws, Cell lacks that ability.  He keeps throwing himself at obstacles and then getting upset when he runs into one that doesn’t give way.  

In closing, Faulconer score rules, fite me.   Good night.

[emperorsfoot]

YJ Fic #7: “Rebound”

Originally posted on FanFiction.Net on 6/2/12

This one is actually really shitty, so I’m glad I’m posting it during a time when there’s not a lot of traffic. Gives me the opportunity to bury it under other posts before anyone has the chance to see it. 

Anyway...

This was originally written before Lagoon Boy got decent screen time and spoken lines. Back when he was still more of a background prop for M’gaan to use to make Superboy uncomfortable. 

I mention this because Lagoon Boy is super out of character in this fic. 

But I hope you manage to enjoy it anyway. 

Summary: “His Angel-fish always seems to moan just a bit louder when Superboy's in the room. -ONESHOT-”

Rebound:

She's my wonderful beloved Angle-fish. M'gann… She sweet-tempered and good-natured. She loves her brother and cares for the Team almost like she's everyone's big sister. But she doesn't kiss like a sister. Oh, no. Not. At. All.

Her kisses the measured, passionate but controlled sort of kisses that leave a man wanting more when she pulls away. …So much more. They're the kind of kisses that almost compel me to beg for more. To get on my knees, press my fins together and plead 'Please, Angel-fish, I need you!' And then when she moans! Neptune's Beard! When she moans… It just makes me want to pick her up, carry her to a room –hers or mine, it doesn't matter- and do all sorts of less-than-honorable things with her.

And yet… I cannot help but notice that she always seems to kiss a bit harder or moan a little bit louder whenever the Superboy is around. –Almost as if she were trying to put on a little show for him.

I asked her about it once, very early in our relationship, in fact. But she denied it. Why would she be exaggerating her feelings for me whenever he was around? She had asked. I was the one she was with. When we are together, it's just about us. Other people are immaterial. This was exactly what I wanted to hear, so I believed her instantly and didn't give it any more thought.

Then I learned that she and the Superboy used to be lovers before I joined the Team.

It was her brother whom told me. –Let it slip was more like it. As if her dating history were supposed to be kept secret.

I wanted to try and get to know the boy better, Garfield Logan, because above all others on the Team (myself included) my Angel-fished cared for him the most. So I endeavored to ingratiate myself to the boy. I admit that I found –and still fined- the overly energetic shape-shifter to be a tad obnoxious. But we both love his sister, and so we both agreed to spend the day together.

It was as we were walking along the beach, the waves lapping at my feet, his zigzagging all over the place changing into crabs, and gulls, and all manner of beach and tide-pool dwelling creatures, that the slip occurred. He was telling old stories about the Team –the first Team. Most of the names were just that, names. I had never met Kid Flash or Artemis and so could not put faces to their names. Kaldu'ram I though I had known very well and still did not believe what Nightwing had told us about him.

I paused in my trail of thought as the boy's last few words sunk into my skull. Lifting my head I did a double take. "What did you say?"

"KF and Arty walked onto the bio-ship and found Conner and sis making out in the captain's chair." Gar repeated in a bit of an irritated huff. Children tended to act that way when they thought the adults around them weren't paying attention.

Then I asked the stupidest question that ever escaped my lips since finishing puberty. "Why was Angel-fish kissing Superboy?"

The little shape-shifter's hands went to his mouth in a near perfect imitation of the 'Speak no Evil' monkey and his eyes went wide. He didn't say it out loud, but I could clearly read it in his face. If M'gann hadn't already told me, then she hadn't wanted me to know and Gar had just let slip something that was supposed to be a secret.

Suddenly, it all made so much more sense. She did kiss harder when he was around. She did moan louder when he was in earshot. She was putting on a show for him. The realization left me with the question of 'Why?' screaming through my mind. Followed closely by, 'Why did she lie when I confronted her about it weeks ago?'

I pondered those two questions the entire rest of the day and when we came back in, I confronted her about it directly. Two simple and pointed questions that summarized my feelings completely.

"Why didn't you tell me you and Superboy dated? Are you just using me to make him jealous?"

There then ensued the first fight we ever had. It was also the longest fight we've had to date.

She called be nosy and over-bearing with no right to pry into her past. I said she was being secretive and that made everything she did suspect. We both said things we regretted. Feelings were hurt. Apologies were made. Things were explained. Some things were understood. Other things I think I will forever be confused about. Most things were forgiven.

But, after much fishing on my part, M'gann finally confessed that –at the onset of our relationship- she had been using be to get back at Superboy. He had been the one to break-up with her and she harbored some resentment towards him because of it. (I did not ask why he broke-up with her.) I told her that she was still my Angel-fish and I loved her, but I refused to be a pawn in her romantic battles with an ex-lover.

M'gann nodded gravely and admitted that I was just supposed to be a fun little fling. She hadn't meant to develop true feelings for me, it just happened. She hadn't tried to use me against the Superboy in several weeks –at least not to her conscious knowledge. That was good enough for me. –At least, for the time being.

Something about the situation still continued to bother me, though.

It wasn't any one thing I could put my finger on. It was just an abstract feeling. A slight chill in the room while we would be cuddling on the couch watching TV. A tingling on the back of my neck or even down my spine when we would sometimes kiss. …And then a punch that landed perhaps a bit harder than was necessary for a simple training exercise. I massaged my throbbing jaw and gazed up at my sparring partner for that session as if seeing him for the first time.

I had come to terms with and made peace with the fact that M'gann had first been trying to use me against him when we stared dating. It had been a conversation spoken between she and I. A peace made between she and I. But there was a third factor that I hadn't considered. A third person I had completely failed to acknowledge.

I waved off the hand Superboy offered to help me up and climbed to my feet myself. Only aster I was once again on an eye level with him did I realize he probably took it as a snub. I should have let him help me, since he knew he had hit harder than he should have (and with his strength, that was not a habit he could allow himself to have). I did not exactly avert my eyes from his, but I did realize for the first time just how unearthly a shade of blue they were and for the first time since joining the Team, I was intimidated.

"Do you know what you did wrong?" He asked.

I looked back up at him startled. Were we really gonna have this confrontation right here?

"You extended your stance to far." Continued the Superboy. "It left your whole left side open. If this had been a real fight, you'd be dead."

Right. Training.

I relaxed and rejoined the others on the edge of the ring.

"Cass! Front and center!" He continued with the lesson as if nothing had happened, and perhaps from his end nothing had.

It was entirely possible that that punch had simply been a miscalculation on his part and not a passive-aggressive attempt to bate me into doing or saying something I'd regret. Come to think of it, from the little I knew of him, Superboy wasn't really a subtle guy. He didn't do 'subtext'. If he had a problem with you, he would state it outright. Not throw sucker-punches when he could get away with it and then sit and seethe when he couldn't.

Still, I resolved to confront him all the same.

Not about the punch. I didn't really care about it that much. But about M'gann. I felt there were words that needed to be spoken between us. It felt almost like one of those strange 'Bro Code' things that is often talked about here on the surface. Truth be told, I'm not to familiar with the concept. I just wanted to make sure one of the senior members –a man was could be considered a mentor (by proxy)- didn't hate my guts. Especially not one with Superman-like powers. I enjoy keeping all my internal organs on the inside. Thank you.

It was several more days until I actually worked up the courage to talk to the man, however.

What can I say? Sometimes I'm as cowardly as a catfish.

I found him laying on the beach –sunbathing. It had taken me the longest time after joining the Team to figure out why he did this, he never tanned. His skin was always the same uniform shade of olive. It never darkened, never blemished. Then someone reminded me that kryptonians gained their powers from Earth's yellow sun. Duh! In the words of my beloved Angel-fish, 'Hello, La'gaan!'

It was approaching afternoon, the sun just beginning to dip closer to the land. My shadow fell over him as I approached.

One crystal-blue eyelid cracked open and stared up at me. I froze in my step.

"You're blocking my sun."

"Sorry!" I quickly jumped to the side.

He said nothing more, his eye once again closing. I felt like I should leave him, let him recharge his solar batteries (or whatever) in peace. But I had come out here for a reason. It was just him and me on the beach. Now was the perfect time to have the conversation I felt were had to have.

I sat down in the sand.

It was low-tide, the waves were nowhere near me and I suddenly wished to feel the comforting cool waters of the sea flowing around me.

He did not sit up, did not even open his eyes when he asked, "Did you want something?"

"No." The word is out of my mouth so quickly I'm unable to stop it. Then I quickly amend, "Yes."

Then I shut up because I'm sounding like an idiot.

Now he does sit up. More of a lean actually. Propping himself up on his elbows, his almost luminous blue eyes fixed me with a sidelong glance, silently asking, 'What do you want?'

There is a beat of silence between us as I realize I have no idea what I wanted to say. Words needed to be spoken between us, this I knew. But what those words actually were was really just an abstract idea in my head. Finally, I decided to just be honest and speak from the heart. It's what my King would have told me to do –had he still been on the planet at the time.

"Superboy, I- I feel as if I should apologize to you." I begin, feeling every bit the fool as it is possible to feel.

"For blocking my sun?" He asks. "You already did."

"No, I…" I'm stuttering like newly spawned guppy and clamp my jaw shut quickly. A moment later I've gathered my thoughts more coherently and begin again. "About M'gann. I want to apologize if my behavior ever offended you. I only recently found out you two had dated."

"I know." He laid back down in the sand. "Gar told me."

"You're not mad?" I ask, skeptical of his calm exterior. I know he is not the subtle type, but I've also been told that he can hold grudges and brood quietly for almost immeasurable expanses of time. I'd rather not have a powerful demi-kryptonian secretly loathing my existence if I can help it.

He once again cracked one eye open at me. "You are not the one who tried to manipulate me into making a scene –several times."

"You knew?"

He smiled up at the sky. "Well, I did kinda date her for four years. It's a little hard to sleep with someone for one thousand and sixty-one days and not get to know them."

"You slept together?"

Stupid question. I knew my Angel-fish was no virgin. We may not have made it that far just yet, but she was far to good a kisser to have never gone farther. Her tongue was to experienced. Her moans to practiced. Superboy young and fit, perpetually in the onset of his prime… of course they had slept together.

That smile changed to a knowing smirk, but he did not look at me when he said, "That's a loaded question."

He was right. And, I quickly realized that, while I might already have guessed the answer, I did not want to hear it. Instead, I returned to the original reason for my coming here. "Will you accept my apology?"

The Superboy missed one… two… three beats before –still not looking at me- he said, "No."

I would be lying if I said this answer did not shock me. He said it with such a calm serenity to his voice, I almost didn't register it as a negative. When my brain finally did process it, all I could say in response was, "Why?"

Now he did look at me once again. The Superboy sat up properly, not propped up on his elbows, but cross-legged –lotus position- in the sand. His crystal gaze was leveled with mine when he asked, "Do you know what it is you're apologizing for?"

My answer was right on the edge of my lips, but I found myself hesitant to answer. Finally, I said, "When we started dating, I was just a rebound. M'gann wanted to make you jealous and she was using me to further that goal. I guess… I'm apologizing for the part that I played in that."

Superboy nodded, not in acceptance but in understanding. Then he continued, "And did you know that's what she was doing before hand? Did you agree to participate in her scheme knowing her intentions?"

"No!" I'm quick to assure him.

"Then you are not the one who needs to apologize." He laid back down in the sand. "It's hot out here, go take a dip in the water so you don't dry out."

It made me feel like a child when he said this and I admit, I was reluctant to comply. But he was right. Sitting in the hot sun on the dry part of the beach isn't exactly the best thing for Atlantian physiology.

I sprint into he waves and splash around for a bit before sitting under the surface and just breathing in the wonderful salty water. I don't really like the waters close to populated centers; it always has a very… unnatural scent to it. But Happy Harbor isn't quite s bad as other places like, say, Los Angeles or New York, and breathing water always comes easier than breathing air.

I take the opportunity to swim a few short laps around the bay. When I come back to the beach behind Mount Justice the sun had dipped low behind the ridge and Superboy is nowhere to be found. That was fine, I supposed. He said I had nothing to apologize for, so I assume that meant that he held no animosity towards me.

It didn't occur to me until I reentered the base that I never got the chance to ask him why he broke-up with her in the first place…

…

END

[avengersohyeah]

I’m Sorry, I’ll Show You

Masterlist

A/N : I’ve been slacking on this i’m sorry. I had a bad stomach bug and i can’t even sleep, so now my eye bags has eye bags under their eye bags. Sorry i’m rambling, this is a request from anon that not so anon because i have a feeling that it’s you ! Sport , if not, then forgive me. Bucky x Reader Smut, anon ask no plot, but again, i’m a sucker for background story. Enjoy ! Like It ! Reblog ! Share It

You were done with all his shits. Until now, you don’t know what’s the reason behind his annoying behavior toward you. He’s kind to other people, like sickeningly kind. Even to Sam that he claimed he hates the most. But when it comes to you, he’s the most annoying piece of shit you know. It’s not much that you ask from him, not that you ever really asked. But you only hoped that if he hates you, he could at least tell you in your face. Because the cold shoulder he gave you is what always makes you think that you’re not good enough, as a team member and as a person. When he finally speaks to you, he would constantly commented in your fighting style, how it would get you injured before even hitting your enemy. He would comment in how you eat to many amounts of ice cream in your day offs. And the worst is the way he would leave a room when you enter it. It awakens all your insecurities that you thought you burried years ago. Why does you not good enough? Why did he hates you so much untill he couldn’t stand your presence?

 That time when Stark held another party, everyone was there. The team plus Maria, Rhodey, and even Thor was there. They were gathered in their usual corner in the party, reserved only for team members. Everyone was enjoying the conversation.

“You haven’t asked him out yet ?” Sam whispered to Bucky when they reached the bar.

His cheeks were visibly reddening at this sudden question “I.. I..” He sighed “I don’t know Sam, I feel like I don’t deserve him. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever meet and look at me I’m a mess..!”

Steve cut in “But you’re recovering Buck, and don’t tell me that you don’t feel it because I know you do. You’re getting better and you know it. Don’t beat yourself up, because you deserve to be happy.” He paused “And if happy is (Y/N) I would do anything to help you..” he said with teasing grin that matched Sam’s

“Don’t be a brat!.. Anyway where is he?” Bucky asked

“Missing him already ? even you’ll run away once he enter the room ?” Sam teased

“Come on, I’m serious where is he?”

“Nat said that he’s not feeling well so he stayed in his room…”

“Oh…” The frown in Bucky’s face tell them that he’s worried about you, but he still don’t know how to approach you.

Both friends had known for a while about Bucky’s feeling toward you. But they never tried to push him because they want him to find that courage to find happiness himself. It was ridiculous at first seeing Bucky would tensed and goes red when he heard you enter the room. He would just stop whatever he’s doing at that moment and dashed towads the exit to hide his embarasment. It was heart warming when they heard him telling you all his concern about you. But they only see it at his perspective, as his friends. They didn’t know that you don’t feel the concern from hhis comments, you don’t know that the way he left a room where you were in was because he couldn’t contain his happiness in your presence. They don’t know that everything he did gave you the wrong impression and it’s slowly hurting you.

 It was at the meeting before a mission few days after party, Bucky sensed your distress. You were strangely silent at the meeting while usualy you were actively suggesting a plan so that there is no need for a fight to break in the mission. Any other meeting you would suggest to change the plan to make sure nobody get hurt, even if it was a mission to penetrate HYDRA’s base. You would suggest that you’ll go first paralyzed the agents with your power so that no one needs to die on their behalf. This kindness that you show even to your enemies is what makes him like you. He found it stupid at first for you wanting no fight to errupt in a mission into a monster’s lair. But as the time he spent watching you he understand that you are simply just a kind person. And it’s not hard for him to realize that he developed a feeling towards you. And because he cares about you, he couldn’t stand the images of you getting hurt in a mission. That’s why he would always tell you where you did wrong when you were training so that you can improve. But he don’t know that his intentions to try to keep you save were mistaken as a hate because of his behavior that tends to avoid you and his choice of words.

 Everyone was listening intently at Steve’s brieffing, all except Bucky. He’s attention was completely directed to you that has an empty look in your eyes and frown on your stupidly perfect face. When he have his attention to Steve, it was when Steve assigning people on their task.

“Buck you’ll go in with me from the front, Wanda would back us up from behind. Nat and Clint would retrive the data, while Tony, Sam, and (Y/N) would clear our surroundings from the outside..” “Cap.. I don’t think I can run this mission with you guys…” you said and earned you a questioning look. you sighed “Look, I’m not in my best condition right now. I can’t get my minds together, there’s just so much that I’m thinking about. And I can’t consentrate at all, if I were to go with you in this mission I’m sure that I will only compromise it. So I hope you’ll let me stay home right now..”

At your request, Steve just sighed knowing well that if you’re asking to stay means that you’re really feel that bad. So he let you, and minutes later dismissed the meeting.

 Bucky have been watching you more intently since your request to stay. You’ve never been this way, one time you couldn’t go on a mission when you were extremely sick. But this time’s different it’s you that requesting not to go to this mission. And what’s bothering him more is that you have been silent these days. He couldn’t hear your laugh, he couldn’t hear your light chuckle, he couldn’t even see you smile these days. What’s wrong? What happened to you ? He questioned himself. He couldn’t stand the sight of troubled look in your face. Rational part of him would tell him that you needed space to solve your problem yourself. Given the strong independent persona oozing from you in daily basis. But there’s part of him that somehow knows that you can’t handel this problem of yours yourself. So he asked Steve if he could stay and try to help you.

 The next morning the team leave for the mission, and you exhaled a breath you didn’t know you’re holding. Now that the team is gone, you could use all your time in training room. You were determinded to improve your fighting skills, even if there’s no one to spare with you. You’ll figure something out, you always do. You setled in punching on the sand bag for more than half an hour. You then continue with kicking a dummy in the training room for another half an hour. And at that time you beat yourself up, Bucky is watching you from the monitor in his room. He grew worried the minute you stoped your training and just colapsed on the mattress. He bolted to the training room calling your name. You jolted up to sitting position.

“Bucky? I thought you were on a mission?”

“No… I I wanted to stay..”

“Why ?”

“I..I wanted to help you, you seemed so troubled this past few days. And I couldn’t stand it..” He replied with a tint of red on his cheeks. What he didn’t expect was a scoff coming out from you. “What was that for?..”

“Don’t pretend like you cared Barnes.. you’re the one that always told me how incompetent I am even in protecting myself. I’m not good enough, that’s why…” Your tone was cold, and realization hit Bucky hard like Steve’s shield being thrown at him.

“Is this all because of me? Because what I said to you ?” You only looked down hiding from his gaze “(Y/N) I’m sorry , I’m so sorry, I never meant that way. I’m just i… I care about you so much.. the thought of you getting hurt in a mission just.. I don’t know.. it pushed me to tell you..”

“About how weak I am?” You cut in

Bucky quickly scrambled towards your sitting form and hold your hand. The action threw you off guard and in an instant your eyes locked to his “Look, (Y/N) I’m not good with words and you know that. I never meant to hurt you, I wanted to protect you so bad. That’s why I did everything I know.”

“By commenting in how incompetent I am? By avoiding me everytime I entered a room?”

“No, I wanted you to improve, but I don’t know that hurt you..”

“That doesn’t explain why you’ve been avoiding me since I joined the team..” You could see the red that slowly creeping their way to Bucky’s cheeks “Like I told you, I cared so much about you, and whenever you’re in the same room, I.. I couldn’t help it, I feel like I wanted to jump around the room whenever I hear your voice, I feel like I wanted to run to you  and grab your cheeks and kiss you. I.. I love you since the first time you said my name (Y/N)..”

“You’re idiot! Why didn’t you just do so ? Instead of running away and making me think that you hate me..” You hit his shoulder repeatedly as you felt your tears rolling down your cheeks. You don’t even realized you cried until now.

“I’m sorry baby boy.. I’m sorry.. Let me make it up to you...” You looked up to meet his gaze. “Let me show you how much I care about you, let me show you how much I want you, let me show you how much I love you…” His voice grew lower and lower each words, sending a shiver to your spine. All your plan to lash out to him were replaced by what you could only describe as want, lust, maybe more than that, you don’t know. Given the fact that Bucky just confessed his feelings toward you, you couldn’t help to feel the warmness in your heart. You nodded at his request, you stand up with hand entertwined. He lead you to his room, and once you’re both inside he pulled you to his chest and staring at you. “I’ll show you how much you mean to me (Y/N)..” He dipped his head and lock his lips on yours.

 You don’t know who deepened the kiss firs. All you know that when you both pulled back, you were equaly breathless. Your lips are shade of red and swollen, your mouth was agape after Bucky’s expert tongue mapping each and every part inside your mouth. He stared at yor lust filled gaze, your skin flushed from the rush of blood pumping from your rapid beating heart. He could hear it, and he could also hear yours and his skips a few beats as you both staring at each other. With a nod from you, he discarded your and his clothes and left you both in underwears. He grabed you at your waist and bring you to his bed. You landed on your back followed suit with him on top of you. The feel of skin to skin contact has you sighed in pleasure. He kissed you again, plunging his warm tongue and moved yours to dance together in unison. As the kiss seems to be intensified if that’s even possible, he started to grind his crotch to yours. And Boy if you ever imagined that he has big gun down there, you were wrong. It’s huge, like long, and thick, and hard as rock. You grind your hips in harmony with his, sensing your need he pulled your underwear first. At the sight of your bare body, lips swollen, skin flushed, cock hard as it also leaking precum, all for him, he licked his lips. You don’t know if it’s possible to feel hotter than you already feel at the way he look at you. It’s all there, dessire, lust, addoration, and there you realised that what he said was true. You saw the love radiated from his gaze, you sit p and capture him in another kiss. This one, it’s chaste innocent one as if telling him that he felt the same.

 He looked into your eyes and you nodded in understanding. “Bucky, you have to prepare me first..”

“I know, just give me a moment..” He pulled his underwear down revealing the most beautifull cock you’ve ever seen. The veins on it, urgh.. it’s meaty, hard, yet at the same time soft as you rached to caress it. He growled in your left ear. “Baby, it’s about you tonight.. you can do anything you want next time..” At his words you couldn’t be more happy that there’s going to be next time. You smilled sweetly at him, and he pushed you down to his bed again. He reached to the bedside drawer and pulled a bottle of lube. He parted your legs, and nestled between them. He opened the tub and squirted generous amount on his right hand. He kissed you while his right hand reach out to your tight ring of muscle and smear the lube on it. The cold sensation of the lube makes you gasped and at the same time he insert his tongue tou your mouth and insert his finger into your ass. And Jesus that’s intense, your cock twitched as his finger constantly strocking on your prostate. The kiss, God the kiss he taste sweeter than a red velvet. He added a second and third fingers as you visibly relaxing more and more along his kiss. It’s not your first time with guys, but they usualy prep you to this far, and you feel ready for Bucky. But then he added a fourth finger, and got you to curse. At the feel of your holes tightening around basically his palm, he shooed you “Hush.. baby, baby, relax, I want to make sure that you are opened enough for me… you’ve seen me, I don’t wanna hurt ya that’s why… trust me… relax..” You did as he said. You whined when he pulled out his fingers, no palm. He kissed you and bring his palm to you. You look at him and his smile sent you his intention. He prefer your saliva to wet his own cock rather than the lube. You could go down on him and wet his shaft straight from your mouth but at your state of preparation, you wouldn’t want him to repeat it all over again because you need him inside you bad. So you gathered your saliva before spitting it on his palm, he brought it to wet his magnificent cock as you watch him rubbing it from the head to the very base.

 He positioned himself at your entrance, you could feel his head were already inside as he opened you up well. And then with a nod, he thrust in swiftly and collapsed his body to yours. And You could’ve swore your walls stretced more than you think. It’s not painful at all, just like he said. It feels right you and him, both felt just right, you belongs to each other, you’re the lock and he’s the key. You both reveled at the moment of this first time ever you become one. He pulled back a little, then thrust again slowly. When you sighed at the feeling, he knows that you’re ready. He pulled out completely before plunging his cock back in. He repeated the process a few times, until he couldn’t hold it any longer. He set a steady pace, enjoying your soft moans every now and then. He angled himself, the action hit your prostate deliciously and you let out a lod moan. He draped his arms from beneath your shoulder, and you locked your arms aroud his. In mutual understanding, he fastened the pace, and hitting the same spot that get you moan loudly. Sweat covered body now stick to each other, his cock is driving you to your high while yours traped between his pubic bones and yours, giving it strokes as he pushed and pulled from your ass. You moaned his name, he growled your name, he fastened the pace to chace your both release. He felt it, your hole is tightening and twitching around him, and the next moment he felt a warm liquid shooting between your both bodies. You came, and he drive his cock faster and harder at the feel of your hole that squeezing him tighter as you reached your high. A few thrust and grunts later he silled with his seed spilled deep inside you. He continued to ride his high in slow soft thrust feeling how perfect you both for each other as he tried to prolong his high. He stoped and looked to you, he could not hold the big grin creeping on his face. He couldn’t be more proud that he’s able to bring you that amount of intensity in your high untill you passed out on him. He kissed your lips as he pulled out. Rolling to his side liying next to you, he couldn’t care less about his cum gushing out of your red puffy hole. He pulled you so that your head rest on top of his chest right where his heart skips a beat for you, just for you.

“I love you (Y/N) I promise that from now on, I’ll never let anything hurt you, even myself.. Because my heart beats for you….”

Taggs :  @thegreatficmaster @supernaturalimagine @supernaturaldaily @waywardwinterfics @buckyywiththegoodhair @angryschnauzer @mrgrant9559-blog @kaylzjordan @rawritsmeh @supernaturalfanfiction-com @after-avenging-hours @winchesterenthusiast​ @themerlintrashcan​ @wayward-warriors​ @themorningtrashcan @izzywinchester @avasparks​ @eve05glee​ @thegabbybear @paladin-alby

[xinyong]

Brene Brown: Call to Courage

Title is self-explanatory, everyone with Netflix should watch it. SO FUCKING GOOD.

I’m gonna live in the arena. I’m gonna be brave with my life. I’m gonna show up. I’m gonna take chances.

If you’re brave with your life, you choose to live in the arena, you’re going to get your ass kicked. You are going to fall. You are going to fail. You are going to know heartbreak. It’s a choice. It’s a choice that I make every day. These are the words I say before my feet hit the floor every day. “Today I’ll choose courage over comfort. I can’t make commitments for tomorrow, but today I’m gonna choose to be brave, and I know what that means.”

Vulnerability’s not about winning. It’s not about losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.

“What is vulnerability to you?” “Vulnerability is the first date after my divorce. Trying to get pregnant after my second miscarriage. Sitting with my wife who has stage four breast cancer making plans for our toddlers. Getting fired. Firing someone. Coming out to my Christian parents. Saying “I love you” first.”

So if you’re gonna be in the arena, join me. It’s really great. When you’re down on the ground, blood, sweat, tear – You know, it’s an interesting view. You can see other people who are brave too.

Vulnerability is not weakness. In fact, it’s our most accurate way to measure courage. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be.

If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion because you were being brave, I am not interested in or open to your feedback about my work.

There are millions of cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never once step foot in that arena. They will never once put themselves out there, but they will make it a full-time job to hurl criticism and judgement and really hateful things toward us. And we have got to get out of the habit of catching them and dissecting and holding them close to our hearts. We’ve gotta let them drop on the floor. Don’t grab that hurtful stuff from the cheap seats and pull it close. Don’t pull it anywhere near your heart. Just let it fall to the ground. You don’t have to stomp it or kick it. You just gotta step over it and keep going. You can’t take criticism and feedback from people who are not being brave with their lives. It just will crush you. 

The deal is you have to be very specific about people whose opinions of you matter. It’s not that you don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Just don’t give a shit what some people think. And then really solicit feedback from the people that do give you good feedback. And you know who makes that list? I’ll tell you who should make the list. People who love you, not despite your imperfection and vulnerability, but because of your imperfection and vulnerability. Their feedback matter. Not the “yes” people, but the people who say, “Yeah, that kind of sucked, and you were really out of line, and you need to clean that shit up, and I’ll be here cheering you on, but that was not okay.”

We want it so bad, but we’re so afraid to let ourselves be seen, and we’re so afraid to see people.

To love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say, “I know this could hurt so bad, but I’m willing to do it. I’m willing to be vulnerable and love you.”

Joy is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. We are terrified to feel joy. We are so afraid that if we let ourselves feel joy, something will come along and rip it away from us, and we will get sucker punched by pain and trauma and loss. So that, in the midst of great things, we literally dress rehearse tragedy.

When you are grateful for what you have, I understand that you understand the magnitude of what I’ve lost.

I get so busy sometimes chasing the extraordinary moments that I don’t pay attention to the ordinary moments. The moments that, if taken away, I would miss more than anything.

The next thing which is really hard for me, and I’ll be honest, is sometimes just do the joyful thing for the hell of it. Just choose joy sometimes. Just choose a thing that seems frivolous and fun and has no ROI or payoff or upside. Just do the joyful thing.

You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes. It’s gonna be uncomfortable. You’re gonna learn about blind spots that you didn’t even know you had. And then you’re gonna be grateful for that moment and take learning it into your own hands, not make other people responsible for teaching it, and that’s how we move forward.

Here’s the thing. I’m not gonna bullshit you. Vulnerability is hard, and it’s scary, and it feels dangerous, but it’s not as hard, scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, “What if I would have shown up? What if I would have said I love you? What if I would have come off the blocks?”. Show up, be seen, answer the call to courage, and come off the blocks, ‘cause you’re worth it. You’re worth being brave.

[cthroughthelookingglass]

Love & π - Review

Ok, so... I never write reviews for the dramas I watch mainly because there are only 2 dramas that have made it into my 10/10 list. One is “I Remember You” (If you haven’t watched that masterpiece... what are you waiting for?) and the other is, yeah, you guessed it: Love & π. 

FAIR WARNING: This drama is not for everyone. If you don’t like it when the main leads fall in love after years of growing up together, this is not for you. If you don’t like flawed characters who make stupid mistakes and decisions, this is not for you. If you don’t like a bit of melo in your slice of life, this is not for you.  

                                                     SPOILERS!!

I’m cool with all those things because I believe they gave this drama the emotional punch and realistic feel it has. I like realistic and layered characters with flaws. That’s what we all are, to be honest: a bunch of walking flaws and bad decisions. 

QUICK SUMMARY

Yuan Yuan, Wu Xian and Hou Zi grow up in the same orphanage and are inseparable. After they come off age, the 3 of them decide to head to Taipei in order to start their new lives. WX and YY get accepted in college, while HZ chooses not to study and let the school of life teach him everything there is to know. YY’s main reason for being in Taipei is not really her studies, though. What YY wants the most is to conquer Taipei before her mother does, because she resents her for abandoning her in the middle of the park when she was a child. YY’s bio mom had expressed that this was her dream, and YY wants to take it away from her as a way of getting back at her. Oh, yes, YY has serious abandonment issues that she struggles with. HZ and WX are more focused on their personal growth than their pasts, though. They seem to have accepted their situation and don’t let it affect their minds and emotions. While they want to move forward, YY is stuck in the past. Regardless, they initially support YY and stand by her when she lets them. As the years go by, however, YY gets absorbed by her need for revenge and starts making questionable decisions at work which, in turn, piss off the always by the book WX. Needless to say, this drives a wedge between the two of them.   

YUAN YUAN (Ivy Shao)

The story of our main girl opens by introducing a cartoon adaptation of the story of “The Little Match Girl” by Hans C. Andersen. You think you know how the cartoon is gonna end, until the tale takes an unexpected turn...

Oh. Hello there, Zhao Yuan Man! You’re about to become one of my favorite heroines ever. 

As you may have noticed YM is the type of girl who thinks outside the box and refuses to settle for less than what she considers fair. She thought the match girl shouldn’t die because the cruelty she was suffering wasn’t fair, and made her a rich inventor with a happy ending instead. Even after everyone mocked her “for not knowing the real ending”, she stood up for herself and told them: This is my imaginary scenario, and no one gets to mess with it. YM is ambitious. She relentlessly fights for what she believes and wants if she believes it’s fair. The downside of this type of personality is that strong convictions can easily deviate into plain stubborness, and YM was a hard nut to crack at times. I loved watching her struggle with her job and with her life as a whole. She wasn’t a Mary Sue or a Wonder Woman. She was real and her struggles were as real as she was.  

WU XIAN (Ben Wu)

There’s the Yang to YY’s Yin. One wants to change the world while the other wants things to stay the same. WX is a bit of a know-it-all and he can get a bit self-righteous from time to time, but he’s kind, protective, and loving towards YY. The guy just lurves her since they were children because he both admires and fears her brilliant and ambitious personality. He’s the papa bear of the group, and is always worrying for his friends and sacrificing himself for them... until he gets fed up, that is. I honestly don’t blame him when he basically tells them to shove it, because he was entitled to his anger and both YY and HZ were screwing up big time when it happened.

HOU ZI (Daniel Chen)

Yep, you guessed it. This is the couple’s counsellor. He’s grown up with them (They were from an orphanage. I forgot to mention that!) and is their main supporter. Hou Zi (aka Monkey) is such a special and lovable guy. He loves his friends and wants the best for them as he faces a myriad of issues throughout the drama. One of his most poignant moments is when he falls for a girl who is in love with WX, and slowly drifts apart from him because he can’t stand seeing them together. Yeah, I know, I wouldn’t trade my friends for a crush, but HZ felt betrayed when WX decided to give himself an opportunity with Ruo Yun in order to get over his break up with YY. It’s understandable from both perspectives. Both were hurt and both felt betrayed and affected by the entire ordeal. WX was entitled to date RY because she had made it clear to HZ that she didn’t like him. HZ was entitled to his frustration because WX was blatantly using RY to get over his true love, YY. RY was just cool with getting used as long as WX acknowledged her, so there’s that mess. It felt like a punch in the gut because their friendship was precious, but that’s as true to life as it can get, and it felt strangely refreshing watching WX not sacrifice himself for a change.        

THE ROMANCE

There are points in the story when you don’t really know if YY and WX will be able to meet halfway, and find a way to handle their strong differences. They lock horns in more than one occasion, grow tired of each other, let go very easily.  WX figures out how to stop YY from pushing him away, and decides to stick it out till the end as proof that he will not abandon her like her mother did. YY is a bit of a porcupine, though. She gives the poor guy a hard time and breaks his heart in more than one occasion, ultimately “abandoning” him herself.  

It takes years of distance, evolution and growth until they are finally on the same page. WX realizes that if he truly wants to be with YY, he has to be able to see eye to eye with her and deal with their conflicts maturely. YY realizes that WX only has her best interest at heart. She eventually understands why he grows increasingly frustrated with her when she self-destructs, and how hard it’s for him to see her get hurt by her own actions. 

Don’t you just love it when the leads in your drama have these kinds of breakthroughs? The idea of change is one of the main themes in this drama. Are you supposed to be the same forever? How does society change us? Is it okay to change? Which are the kind of changes that are really worth it?   

WX was right... back when they dated for the first time, they were an unbalanced see-saw. He was a bit judgy and she was very stubborn. They needed to evolve more to be able to stand in each other’s shoes and truly understand what the other was feeling.

Wu Xian: “Don’t push me away. Okay? I was wrong. I was too weak. I thought I was taking responsibility by doing what I did before. I hurt everyone because I never had courage all along. But now I’m different. I love you. From the first day we met until now. When you are happy, I am happy. If you’re sad, I am sad. All of my emotions are dictated by you. You taught me what love is. Do you remember when you asked me why I had never asked about my birth or wondered about my parents? It’s because of you. You made me feel that as long as you were with me, there wasn’t anything missing in my life. If losing those things, was the price to pay for meeting you, I’m okay with that."   

The scene when they get back together in the last episode is just so freaking powerful. The chemistry is through the roof (BW & IS worked together before in “The Perfect Match” but he was the annoying second lead, and I wasn’t aware of their power to warm my heart). Anyway, let’s go straight to the point. No matter what happens during the story, WX always wants to be YY’s hand warmers whenever this “little match girl” faces a freezing cold winter. Even when they are heading in opposite directions they manage to remain inseparable and bounce back to each other.

Ugh, I’m such a sucker for brilliant metaphors and well inserted intertextual components. Props to this writer for the outstanding and seamless weaving of these elements throughout the entire drama. I’m just in awe. This is good and carefully planned writing, people.     

                                                                         final score: 10/10 💛

[screamingroom]

Growing Old, College, Etc.

So I’m alone at 5 am on a Thursday night (Friday morning?) and clearly this is the best time to think about big things. Somehow my mind ended up wandering to where I am right now in life and I just felt like I needed a place to vent about it. Nothing about anything bad, per say, just kind of on my thoughts at the moment.

So after three years of getting out and meeting new people (unique people, beautiful people!) in college I’ve come to realize some truths that eluded me before coming here.

1. I have... kind of a distant relationship with my parents compared to everyone else.

2. College is a fucking waste of money. Maybe if it were less expensive, it’d be worth it, but it feels like that’s never happening here in the US.

3. For the first time in my life, the future is kind of scary.

4. Love is hard.

I just want to look at these one by one and maybe rant a little as I do, so here we go!

Number One: So I mentioned meeting a lot of new people. And as I talked to them I found that my relationship with my parents is kind of unusual. First of all, I want to say that I am very lucky. I feel that I have really great parents. They’ve supported me in most that I’ve done and stood with me through everything I’ve felt the need to include them in. Hell, they’re putting me through college. Doubt I’d still be here learning if it wasn’t for that.

But maybe I haven’t been a good son in return. I’ve never felt too close with them. Not sure why. They’re friendly. I like to think if they were younger I could be really good friends with them. But that isn’t the case. Maybe the age difference fucks with me. I don’t know.

Not too long ago I realized I don’t...call them by parental names. I don’t call my mom Mom or my dad Dad. In fact, I generally don’t address them by any name at all. It’s entirely unconscious. And I’m not sure what that means. I never have called them by any sort of name. Yet of course when conversing with friends I’ll call them “my mom and dad”. This doesn’t really bother me, but maybe it’s connected to other things.

I don’t share with them much. In grade school I think that was more because there wasn’t much to share with them. Now things are happening. If I tell them, I tell them weeks, maybe even months later. I just don’t feel as though I have to or want to share. It doesn’t even cross my mind to.

I was thinking of this because I’m on break right now and have been able to spend some time with both of them at their houses (they’re divorced). The two of them are married to other people, but seem to be in kind of lonely parts of their lives right now.

My dad recently quit his job and now writes, meaning he is nearly always home. My stepmom leaves to work early each day, so he spends the days alone in and around the house homekeeping. Now I think I’d enjoy this. I’ve always been an introvert. Having all that time to work on myself sounds wonderful. Though I do think I’d want to be in contact with someone. I’m not sure if he is.

But I by default assume that others don’t want that. And it’s gotten me thinking. I really don’t express my appreciation for him enough I think. Does he know I do care about him?

I feel similarly about my mom, but maybe it’s more temporary loneliness for her because we’re on break (she works at a university). My sister is in school a lot of the day, stepdad works, and I sleep in hard. She always seems so ready to do things with me. Sometimes she offers. Often we don’t do much because I can’t think of something to do or am too lazy. For all she’s given me, do you think she knows how much I value her?

I do wonder that. They’ve put so much into me. Money, time, love. I wonder if they feel like it was worth it. I don’t give much back. I don’t feel worth it. How could I be? I can’t even give the love back in a way they can see.

I wonder if someday I’ll regret this. If someday I’ll think of them and for once desire to call them up and talk or plan something. But I won’t be able to. Because they’ll be long gone. All the time I didn’t share with them. Will that be what I regret? I feel like I’m already there, the weight of my mistakes holding me down.

I’m not there. But I can’t be bothered to change where I’m heading. I’m not sure I know how. Maybe after I finish this I’ll write to my dad and finally tell him I do care. Maybe I’ll take my mom up on her offer to go on a walk and get food together tomorrow. Or I can just keep on trucking. Who knows if I’ll hurt for it later?

On that cheery note, let’s move on.

Number 2: I’ve gotten so much out of college. Just about none of it is what I’ve payed for- what my parents have payed for. The education? Nothing better than what I could get from some books and Google searches. The services? Don’t need them. Never found a use for most. But the university finds a use for them in my bill. It’s such a waste of money. And it’s only getting worse as the costs increase.

Yet there’s so much to gain from college. I’ve met so many people. I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned about myself. I understand now why I should love myself-- and why I should hate myself.

I’ve found love-- and had it returned. (Maybe more on this later in this post?)

These things feel almost priceless. But if I wasn’t being put through college, I don’t think I’d be here. I wouldn’t drown myself in debt for this. It just isn’t worth it. This coming from someone who wanted to get a degree nearly all his life.

I talked a bit with my little sister for the first time in forever the other day. She said something that kind of bothered me. We were talking about her math classes in high school and how far she’d go (trying to decide if a TI-89 calculator is worth the price). I asked her if she planned to go to college and if she’d take math classes there. She seemed surprised at my question. She expressed that she wasn’t much interested in college, but that she would probably do it and take fun classes. She would go because my mom and stepdad wanted her to.

This is not their choice. Her life is not theirs to choose the path of. Especially not after grade school. I wanted to pull her aside and tell her this. I wanted to scream at her to not waste her time on four years of something someone else wanted her to do. But the moment passed and the conversation cut off. I still feel like I want to tell her. Maybe then I could be a good brother. I guess I have been in a few other ways but I don’t think it’s added up to much. She needs to know she has autonomy. Just maybe I can get the courage up to tell her before I plunge back into classes.

Number 3: For my entire life my mindset was I will go to college because I have to to get a good job. As far as I was concerned, real life ended after that. Nothing after mattered; it’d all fall into place.

Well here we are. In a little over a year, should have my degree. I am almost no more certain about what’s going to happen than I was 10 years ago. I’ll find a place to live, supposedly. I’ll get a job. Then live till I die, I guess.

I don’t feel ready. Nearly done with my 3rd year in college and I have no idea how to do my job. What’s the point of college again?

Number 4: I mentioned finding love earlier. That’s been kind of my rock when it comes to the future. I want to be with her. I don’t care all that much where we go as long as I can share it with her. I think she wants that too, but it can be hard to tell. That certainty that I want to be with her is immensely comforting when all else is so unsure.

There’s been a sort of wrench thrown into it though recently. We agreed to an open relationship early on. It seemed good to me then. Still kind of does. Maybe a little less so? I’m kind of a mess and maybe shouldn’t be listened to right now as a result.

I feel certain I want to be with her now more than ever. I want to fall into her and share my life with her, and maybe even only her.

I don’t know if I can. The way things have been going, I wonder if open relationships are for me. I feel so jealous sometimes. I’ve been told that’s normal, which helps me feel like less of a monster when I wonder why she’s stopped responding to texts.

But during these moments I often find myself lonely. I have friends, but none other than her in the late hours of night which I’ve always coveted. Not for a long time I haven’t. So in those hours being alone is weird. I’ve been healthier about it this semester than last. See my other posts for details on that. But I often feel like I need someone else to be with to fill those gaps. Should I be feeling this?

Maybe it’s just the current state of the relationship. The way time things work out. Maybe I’m too paranoid over things that don’t matter.

She’s found a new love recently. I wish I knew how to tell her how excited I am for her. I want this to work for her and I want to help her with it. I want to listen to her rant about how much she loves this girl. I hope they can be together. This gives me courage to believe that this type of relationship is for me.

I didn’t really get a chance to be excited about the her last love. It was kind of a sucker punch. And it still aches a little now and then. Though the wound is healing, I think.

I know I want to live with her, but I do wonder how we’ll make it all work once we leave college. I’m worried loneliness will be harder then, when she’s with other people. I’m also worried no one else will ever really love me. It’s similar to before I fell in love with her, when I thought no one could ever feel that way about me. Not really possible to tell right how things will go now of course. Maybe I’ll just have to wait and see.

Kind of funny most of my problems stem from me for once. It’s both refreshing and disturbing. They all used to be external. Weird how things change.

Didn’t mean to come off as so negative here, but I don’t know how else to put things. Oh well.

Until next time~

[carlybeefbarley-blog]

Relative Hiatus (04/17/2018)

I lost my momentum writing this week, due to an abnormally large amount of external factors.  My daughter was home on spring break last week and she had to come into the office with me, that was a hoot.  I was watching a handful of different dogs on different days and I felt like a chicken with my head cut off chasing dogs and daughters and trying to pretend I’m super focused on work.  While all of that was quite exhausting, something happened last weekend that sucked up a huge amount of my attention.  A girl I used to work with at a strip club took her own life (supposedly.  There is still an autopsy going on).  It feels like a sucker punch any time I think of it.  Her face was on eyelids every time I closed my eyes last week.  This is not the first time I have seen a dancer lost in this way either, and I’m positive that is no coincidence.  I have tried to talk about it to a few friends and family, but no one that is not part of the sex worker community can really get it.  There is an unspoken understanding amongst dancers, and all sex workers for that matter, that stigma is at the heart of the problem.  A dead stripper is such a common narrative that a lot of people feel no surprise or sadness at this tragic loss of life.  The lives of sex workers are constantly the butt of jokes and it is so unwarranted and cruel.  To feel looked down upon, to know that you’re are disgusting to a huge amount of people, is a hard pill to swallow and some sex workers handle it better than other..but it hurts us all.  When I think about what I feel passionately about, ending sex worker stigma and educating people about our issues is right at the top.  Although I’m not a dancer anymore, I will truly always consider myself a sex worker because I will never forget how poorly I was treated when I was one.

Out of every social group I have ever been a part of, strippers are the only clan that was damn near 100% participation in love for one another.   We look out for each other because we have to, and no one else will.  At least not as a stripper.  For example, my family will have my back as a daughter and a sister, but my stripper self gets tossed to curb and spit on…The thing they don’t realize is that the daughter and the stripper are the same person, worthy of the same amount of love and respect.  I have wondered for a while, what if anything I could do to give back to community that gave so much to me, and I have an idea, but for some reason I am ashamed to share it.  For my job, I am writing a tutorial system on an app to teach people to code video games.  As with anything in software, code needs to be tested and retested in all kinds of scenarios to make sure it works. That said, I need as many new users as possible that have never coded before to go through it and give me feedback about how thorough and comprehensive the system is,   I have my family and friends on board, as well as a few people from my office, but there is a much bigger group of people that I might be able to get interested: strippers.   I want to reach out to the stripping community as a whole and see if anyone is interested in learning to code.  I can’t speak for the girls that I know who have passed, but I do know that a lot of dancers and strippers end up feeling trapped for a lack of resources: educational, financial, familial…Also because the club keeps them stuck there by charging them astronomical prices to work, but more on that another time.  I don’t expect that there is going to be a huge wave of stripping developers, but the idea is more geared towards planting a seed: if you don’t want want to do this anymore, you have the ability to teach yourself a marketable skill and make whatever you want it to be.  If you have done this job, you are tough as nails and the only thing stopping you from conquering something else is your own brain, which is all too often dominated by the stigma.  While so many people are looking down on you, there is a badass group of women that know you’re better than all those dicks.  I think I’m going to make my own site to direct dancers to about this, aside from the app I am working on for work.   I want to go in clubs and leave my info around to see who’s interested.  My only hesitation is that I am going to come off as stuck up or passing judgment on girls.  If girls like their job, more power to them!  But for those that are scared of what comes next, let’s start a discussion amongst ourselves.  To counter that possibility I was thinking about going to clubs and paying a girl to talk to me for a bit and see how it goes.  I am traveling a bunch this summer, and I was thinking about planting little seeds all over the place.  I want to call the community “Francesca Bella,”  the stage name of two girls I’ve known to commit suicide.  Both are Italian names and they mean “free one” and “beautiful one,” respectively.  I can’t think of anything more fitting than that.

I have told three people and they all were on board, and I would say they might just have said that to be nice, but 2 of the 3 have no vested interest in kissing my ass (my mother and my married fuck buddy).  The other person was my best friend Sarah, who has never danced but thinks everything I do is smart and hilarious…the feeling is mutual.  There is a lot I would have to do, but it could work out really well for me because I’ve been looking for a passion project to work on on my own to present to future job prospects.  My boss has told me many times he plans to help me get a job at Microsoft, and more than a CS degree or looking for someone perfect on paper- they want people that are passionate.  There’s always the possibility that jobs would write me off for feeling passionate about strippers, but that’s probably not a job I would want to be at anyway.

Abrupt change in direction! I want to ask my yoga teacher out.  I had a crush on him for a good 6 months now and have only recently got the courage to talk to him.  I get all high before class and then I make way too much eye contact and starting awkward convos about yoga moves.  He makes a lot of eye contact with me too, though.  The other night when he was saying all of his mindful stuff at the end of class, I swear we looked at each other for a full minute.  Maybe it just felt like a minute, but it was a really long time.  I’m pretty sure he’s single, but he could be gay.  I am ALWAYS drawn to men that are questionably gay.  All of my exes are introverts and have feminine personality traits (Nick, much less than the rest, but he has a softer heart than most men).  This feels like a curse sometimes, because I am really attracted to homosexual sex too.  Am I just shooting myself in the foot, subconsciously being attracted to boys that will literally NEVER want me?  Lord help me.

Jacq the Stripper is my queen! By the way, she painted my background photo up there...