#'knuckles is supposed to be 16 in human years' literally who the fuck would know that except people who read his wiki page

[percontaion-points]

Everlife chapter 16

Today's review might be difficult for some; reader discretion is advised

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 16

“If your man cannot break Miss Lockwood, then we will kill the humans infected with Penumbra. Those who exhibit the traits of an Abrogate.” 

What, does he not know the names of his own people, and yet he knows mine?

Not to play the literal devil’s advocate here, but why the hell would he know the names of random peons, vs the one girl who’s trying to bring about his downfall? 

“The Grid,” Victor says. “Her friends. They love each other.”

They say that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day!

“Say goodbye to your PB&J.” At his confused look, I add, “One day I’m going to knock your penis, brain and jaw right off your—”

What the fuck. 

WHAT THE FUUUUUCK.

Again I see a dark-haired little boy, but this time, the image has nothing to do with Killian. This boy is no more than ten years old, perched at the edge of a bed, trembling. Like Zhi, he has dark eyes with a ring of ebony around the edge. 

Realization: Not like Zhi at all—the boy is Zhi. 

Tears slip down his cheeks, but he’s careful to swallow his whimpers so that he never makes a sound. There’s a cut on his lip, and drops of crimson blood drying on his chin, proving he’s human. There’s also a knot in his jaw. 

His father paces in front of him, his fisted hands smeared with crimson. His blood, as well as his son’s. The last time he punched, Zhi’s teeth cut into his knuckles.

“We are Troikans,” his father snarls. “Your visit to the Myriadian center has shamed us. Our loyalty will be questioned now. How could you do this to us?”

Here’s the thing: nobody fucking cares about this. Please move the fuck on. 

Victor stalks to me, leaving his Shell behind. He is pale and sickly thin, with tiny nubs growing at the ends of his arms.

I’m sure that the author intended for this to be read in a body horror kind of way. But the only thing that I’m thinking about is Deadpool’s “Like KFC spork” baby hands. 

Tomorrow, when—if—other Abrogates arrive, I’ll be ready.

Chapter 16 summary: They torture Ten for days. However, even the narration seems bored with the entire thing, which is frustrating because it’s like… YOU WROTE IT!! 

Finally, Ten tries to tell Archer to pull back his internal support. He refuses. And then she hears from Jeremy, who fills her with so much love that the love turns into light and strengthens her. 

Ambrosine orders her to be moved, but as Zhi goes to grab her, Ten is filled with some of his memories. Of his father smacking him around and generally being a really terrible parent. And the take-away from it is supposed to be that Ten saw all of this, felt sympathy and sorrow for the man who’d been torturing her for days, and that sympathy somehow weakened him. But the only thing that I’m getting is like… That you can only bring down your enemies if they have some kind of TRAJIK backstory. Not if they’re simply terrible people. So the entire thing is honestly kind of dumb. 

But anyway, Ten decides to test this theory and throws love at Victor when he tries to attack her, and this randomly stops him. And I don’t know how this managed to go from bad to worse, but here we are. 

The chapter ends with Ten randomly lording over Victor that Archer was brought back from thirdlife.  

[bluinary]

Today on "reaching for discourse":

The post with a humorous doodle of Howl Pendragon smooching Knuckles the Echidna being criticized for its themes of pedophilia and beastiality.

[hyunsracha]

path of night — seo changbin

word count: 2.4k

summary: changbin thinks you’re really great.

it’s 2018. witches are … Okay.

like ppl aren’t KILLING them anymore but a lot of people don’t even believe in them and like witches don’t go around Telling people they’re witches

but ppl wear them as halloween costumes and the real witches just have to :)

speaking of witches … seo changbin!

he’s only half witch but shhhhh

his mother is a human, but she studied witches so obviously when his dad was like “uhh yo i'm a warlock ?? lol” she was like “ok yea.”

and they fell in love and had a changbin!

they live in a big ass victorian house on the edge of town, which basically screams, “we’re the only family of witches in this town! look at our big, spooky house!”

changbin doesn’t understand why they didn’t just get a fuckin house in the suburbs

his familiar is a raven named Prince of Darkness (he was like 14 ok he was going through his emo phase) and they're bros

sometimes Prince just shows up and caws and changbin caws back and it’s cute !

changbin’s mortal best friend, chris, thinks it’s fucking weird

“u have a pet raven.”

“yeah.”

“why?”

“like raven.”

“freak.”

so when changbin was 16, he had to choose between his mortal and his witch side.

and obviously he chose the witch side

why tf would he give up such epic powers?

the downside though … was that he had to leave

since he decided to go down the Path of Night, he would move to salem and go to the largest division of the academy for witches

and he Thought about telling chris that he was moving to an Elite Boarding School For Smart People but chris would not believe that .. so it was time to fess up

“hey so uh ….. i may or may not be a warlock”

“a who”

“u know . like sabrina the teenage witch . but …. changbin”

“OH ???? IS THAT HOW U PASSED BIOLOGY???”

“i mean yeah but u DONT HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD!!”

so with that loose end tied up, changbin packed his shit (and his bird) and moved to salem !!!!

there, he meets minho, a year older, and hyunjin, in the same year (i'll do ages as i want thank u very much) and they all become bros !!!

ur only allowed to bring One familiar to school . and minho has Three . so his familiar is ……………. all three of his cats

he put on a spell on them so they all just became one cat but it’s completely reversible !! when he goes back to his room he frees his kitties from their kitty cell

“minho wtf do u mean that’s Three cats there’s only one.”

“OH YEAH?? OK! *mf does reversal spell*” *three cats appear* *they start running all over the common area* “FUCK!!!!”

and hyunjin’s is a lil pup named kkami

“kkami is an ugly name for a familiar”

“UR BIRDS NAME IS PRINCE OF DARKNESS?? SHUT THE FUCK UP??”

changbin does Okay in school . he does better than he did in Mortal School

“wtf do u mean we still have to learn algebra”

“we still need witch accountants, mr. seo.”

“i still need a Will To Live, mrs. kim.”

changbin liked to keep quiet about his family.

he knew that “half-breeds” got made fun of a lot, and were treated as lesser witches, so he just kept his mouth shut and avoided family talk.

it took about a year for his secret to get out.

he was sitting in the dining hall with hyunjin and minho Minding His Own Goddamn Business when a mr Jaebum walks in

jaebum was a few years older than minho; he would be graduating soon

he slid into the seat across from changbin, sending him a sinister little smile,

“hello, half-breed.”

the dining hall went silent.

changbin froze.

“i don’t know who the FUCK you think you’re talking to-”

“it’s okay, min. he’s right.”

minho and hyunjin: JFSGJBDB;L?

of course, that didn’t Change anything

changbin was their FRIEND

and he was a good warlock so ??? who fuckin cares

jaebum, apparently

changbin stared down at his tray, tears blurring his vision

he’s sensitive :(

minho saw his eyes watering and almost fucking HEXED JAEBUM

hyunjin held his hand under the table what a good boy

jaebum didn’t stop there, though

“you should go back to your mortal school and learn your stupid mortal things you useless-”

“what the fuck did he even do to you? why do you care?” omg minho u legend

“he’s not like the rest of us. he doesn’t deserve to go here.”

“hey jaebum have you ever tried shutting your fucking mouth?” a new voice spoke

everyone turned to face this new voice

oh look! it’s you! with ur lil entourage (it’s literally 2 ppl) behind u

“excuse me?” jaebum stood. he wasn’t the tallest guy, but he could be Quite Intimidating. u didn’t back down though.

“you heard me. you might want to watch your tone, though.”

“oh yeah? and why would i do that?”

“you shouldn’t speak to a l/n like that. who knows what would happen if my father found out.”

another hush fell over the dining hall.

everyone knows the l/n family. they have to, the l/ns are only one of the most powerful witch families in the whole World.

your father was on the Witch’s Council, along with the fathers of your two friends behind you, seungmin and jisung

the three of you grew up in salem and were homeschooled by seungmin’s mom, so the three of u have been best friends for ur whole lives

and the three of u turned 16 this year so !! here u were

today was ur first day, and when u walked into the dining all, u saw jaebum teasing a poor kid

and that doesn’t fly with u

the three of u put ur trays on the table when jaebum leaves

“tell me if he gives you a hard time again, yeah?”

changbin is??? JSKLGJS???

A L/N?? JUST STOOD UP FOR HIM??

minho, changbin, and hyunjin all look like :0 and you, seungmin, and jisung are just staring back like :]

and that’s how ur lil squad forms !!!

u, jisung, and seungmin are the youngest so u don’t have classes with them, but it’s fine !

lunch exists for a Reason

“for eating.”

“shut up, jisung.”

but you guys spent all your free time together ! and u guys really clicked !

its like u were destined to be friends (◕‿◕) it was written in the stars (◕‿◕)

but out of your three new friends, you were closest to changbin

maybe it was bc you stood up for him on the first day, but there was just Something Different about him, yk?

sometimes the two of you would sneak off campus at night to go watch the stars in the woods

u guys would cast dumb little spells at each other

one time u turned him into a goat ON ACCIDENT but he was

So mad.

so he turned u into a chicken and it was.

a fun night!

your familiar was a bat, so she would go and fly away with prince and i’m sure they had a good time

you just felt so? nice with changbin

you could talk about anything and everything for hours on end and never get bored

little did u know, changbin felt the same way!

but he came to the conclusion faster than u did:

“oh man i think i like y/n.”

“i know.” hyunjin said from the bottom bunk.

those two were roommates. yes it’s just as chaotic as it sounds.

“WH- WHAT DO U MEAN U KNOW?”

“bro its so obvious? y/n breathes and ur like omo look how cute!”

“i don't say omo.”

“omo!”

“ur literally useless.”

“AM NOT.” hyunjin sat up, “I could help you two get together.”

“hell no.”

“omg we’re all going to hell so i’m taking that as a yes! see u later, binnie!”

“WHERE ARE U - ok he’s gone”

hyunjin ran over to ur dorm, Aggressively knocking on the door.

“hyunjin ur gonna make ur knuckles bleed if u do that any harder.”

“SEUNGMIN ! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE !”

“W-W-W-yes?”

(seungmin is kind of in love with hyunjin but honestly who isn’t)

“i’m looking for y/n.”

“you found them.” you said from behind hyunjin, making him nearly Jump Out Of His Skin.

he dragged you away from your dorm, leaving a very confused seungmin in the doorway.

“this is super important sneaky sneak business, okay?” hyunjin sat you down at a table in the library. he sat across from you, taking your hands in his.

“you’re being weirder than usually, hyunjin.”

“i need you to be honest with me,” he stared down into your eyes, using that glare he used when jaebeom was Anywhere near you guys.

“are you trying to cast a spell on me right now, hwang?” you glared back, pulling your hands away.

“N-No!”

“YOU WERE TRYING TO DO THE TRUTH SPELL!”

“THIS IS A LIBRARY BE QUIET!”

“Fine. Why are you trying to put the truth spell on me?”

“do you like changbin?”

“of course i do, we’re friends-”

“no, y/n, you dumb bitch,” hyunjin sighed, pressing his palms against the table, “like. do you Like Like him?”

you furrowed your brow, wondering why the Hell he would ask you something like that.

i mean … you had never thought about changbin like that …

and it wouldn’t be Terrible to date him …

he was funny … and nice … and a good warlock …. and cute …….. and you’ve held his hand before ……….. that was nice ……………… and maybe you’ve thought about kissing him but Only once or twice !!!

oh man

“oh man. i think i like changbin.”

“oh thank fucking god, it would’ve been really awkward if you didn’t.”

“HUH???”

“i have 2 go.”

and hyunjin left you. very confused. in the library.

so hyunjin NYOOMS back to his dorm

yk how he does with his long ass legs

“hello tiny roommate.”

“absolutely go fuck yourself.”

“ok….well i have tea…...and i guess ur not getting it…..”

“hyunjin you fucking local its 2019 why are u still saying that.”

hyunjin pouted, “so u DONT wanna know that y/n likes u back??? ok FUCK u then!!” he climbed into his bed.

wait for it…..

“oh fuck.”

“Y/N LIKES ME????? HUH???? HWANG HYUNJIN!!!!!!”

“oh my god ur so loud JUST. confess or sumn u big idiot.”

hyunjin be like [ napping noises ]

changbin be like [ PANICKED NOISES ]

how is he supposed to just CONFESS??? that's not EASY

hyunjin thinks its easy bc he’s never confessed to Anyone

everyone confesses to Him

its scawy :(

but changbin Is Not A Coward

(yes he is)

the next day at lunch, changbin is …. Off

“hey binnie!” u put ur tray down next to him and send him a Big Big smile

the butterflies in his tummy go HFJSKGGJ and he goes “hey!” but his voice cracks

he flushes a bright cherry red and u think he's the CUTEST BOY EVER

but he keeps squeaking and blushing and can't exactly look u in the eye :(

how is he supposed to when he knows that U Like Him !!!! u like him !!!!!

he’s in his last class of the day (algebra - gag) when he thinks of an idea

and it’s a good one too !!!!

“that’s the worst idea i’ve ever heard.”

“shut up seungmin if hyunjin did that for u u’d literally cry.”

“WH - I - get out of my room.”

u get a text from changbin that says “meet me in the common room!! it’s importante (that’s spanish for important)!! ^.^”

his little emoticon u go <3____<3

so u text back “okie!!” and get ready to go to the common room

it was like . 11pm . but u didn't really think about that

u and changbin hang out a lot at that time so !

the common room was Empty when u got there

“Hello??? binnie???”

no response

u cast a lil spell to make a light appear on the tip of ur finger (u literally could’ve just . Turned on the lights . but this is more fun) and sit by the big statue of Satan himself and Wait.

ur only waiting for like 30 seconds when u hear It

singing???

hello???

u instantly recognized the song bc U Loved The Song

it was zion.t’s no make up and u went [ caveman spongebob ]

WHO IS SINGING

WHY ARE THEY SINGING

the light on ur finger went out as you clenched your fist, looking around for the source of the voice

the lights in the common room came on; dimly, but still on.

and rose petals started to fall from the ceiling

this was weird

pretty! and u were kind of on the verge of tears! but pretty!

and then u saw him

Seo Changbin.

why is seo changbin singing to u

since when can changbin Sing like that???

“changbin-”

“SHHSHSHSHHSH let me talk before i lose my confidence!!!

so…..you’re…..really great.”

“thanks.”

“I SAID LET ME TALK. you’re really great. really Really great. and i think …. i think we get along really well. like……..we’re bros, right? wait- bros probably isn’t the best word for this- oh my god.”

“changbin...are you...trying to say something?”

“i like you !!! and i know you like me back-”

“HUH”

“hyunjin has a big mouth.”

“oh my god.”

“yeah.”

there was silence for a moment.

what are you supposed to do now?

you were happy.

u were fricking Ecstatic!!! changbin liked u back!!!!

u were gonna kill hyunjin but!!! yippee!!!

“so do i just….are we- are we a thing now?” changbin broke the silence

“oh!” you stood from your spot on the floor, “y-yeah!”

“ok sick …. so i can do this now-” he made his way towards you, grabbing you by the waist and pressing his lips against yours.

his other hand came up to hold your face, and you were glad that he was holding your waist so tightly or you might’ve fallen down, your knees were so weak.

since when can changbin Kiss like that

“i-in front of satan and everybody, huh…” you giggled after he pulled away.

“satan’s fine. i’m sure he loves a good teen romance.”

“you’re an idiot, seo changbin.”

“but i’m your idiot :DDD”

and your first order of business as a couple : Operation Seungjin.

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[invelleity]

psst. be honest. all of the questions. go.

i can’t believe jeanette is tryina kill me in public and i’m still love her??? | not accepting anymoooore | @ltbroccoli​

cracks knuckles here we go ( odd numbers 1-9 are here )

2. Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why?

Not very. It’s fun and cute and all, but I care a whole lot more about “clicking” with people and having fun writing with them.

Exception: If someone’s aesthetic is so overblown that I can’t even find the pages on the blog or read the text, I.....won’t interact with that tbh.

4. How do you explain rp to someone in the real world?

(kicks down my roommate’s door at 10pm) “OK so I’m writing— stop screaming, it’s me,— I’m writing a character in Security and you’re like a double black belt or some shit, can you explain how—”

( My roommates all know it’s a thing I do but I’ve never sent them a link or shown them any of the actual writing. They’ve met a bunch of y’all over like Rabbit streams and @rumdaydreams​ irl though so like.... They Know. )

More under the cut

6. Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

Ehhh, depends on my mood. I lean towards female muses in general ( definitely got a bigger chunk of ladies on my list, for sure for sure ) but I love my boys.

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

Uhhhh A) We’re all such dumb socially awkward blobs so it’s often hard to get to know new people.

B) The feel that if you have a good relationship with one person who writes a canon muse, it’s some kind of lowkey betrayal to write with other people who write the same muse??

C) How much I, a certified card-carrying dumbass, stress myself out about posting on a “regular” schedule. Does that count? Like I want the blogs to look “presentable” lmao and me@me Calm The Fuck Down.

10. Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them?

N / A

11. What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started?

Uhhhh, when I first started was long enough ago and the community was so different a lot of those lessons no longer apply. I wish when I finally jumped over to Tumblr I’d realized quicker how the new like....basic ways of meeting people and posting and all worked, which was mostly just a “calm down and go with the flow more, let go of your stupid rigid old habits” lmaooo.

12. Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it?

yES. Yeah. Hahaha ha h. 

But ummm, not usually. No. Most of my drama has been either A) me posting the very very softest, most diluted version of barely-touching on my politics and my real goddamn life and people being fuckin butthurt as hell about or B) cutting people who were toxic and draining out of my life. So.

13. Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

cw suicidal ideation ment

Yeah. Once I actually did — when I started college I just didn’t have the time, so I peaced from the larger community to just write with close friends for a while. I’ve also considered leaving the T.umblr RPC a few times, but really only because of long bad depressive episodes. Coming back and “not wanting to literally die irl ha Ha” and catching up with my drafts gets me back on track lmao. 

14. Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person?

Positive! Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time wrapped up in fiction and miss my real life, but I’ve learned to keep my time more separate so now it’s just good to have a healthy hobby that makes me happy. Also I’m definitely a much better writer for it, and there a lot of networking skills I think translate to real workplace skills so it’s 👌

15. How has rp changed you personally?

See above, tbh. And it gives me a lot of good outlets for writing ideas that would otherwise stew in my head until I hated myself for never ever writing any lmao. It’s good.

16. If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

Oh, I dunno. I wish I could post replies from mobile more easily, god. That’d keep me a lot more on top of my drafts lmao.

17. Have you ever sent a message to yourself on anon? Why?

Not on any of the rp blogs. ;^)

18. Have you ever sent hate to yourself on anon? Why? 

No, wtf

19. Do you delete anon hate or post and address it? Why?

Depends on the hate — things I feel need to be addressed or I want to be clear about not tolerating I’ll post. Personal hate and mean shit I delete.

Or if it’s stupid and makes me laugh I will definitely post that shit.

20. Have you ever felt pressured to write something you weren’t comfortable with?

Sometimes. If a partner is actually pressuring me I’m real good at saying uhhh hey, fuck off about that? but sometimes partners will perfectly-innocently be enthusiastic about things I’m not super comfortable with and that’s harder to bring up. So it’s..... more like I pressure myself, whoops.

21. Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to?

Ehh. Not really. Sometimes I’ll follow a friend of a friend despite lack of interest just because, like.... My friends are smart and good, maybe I’m just not getting the right “vibe” from their blog as who really they are. Sometimes that just means we never click and I unfollow them later. Or sometimes @rumdaydreams​ drags me straight to mutual hell and we write 20,000 unfinished bullshit and meet irl and she actually talks me into wholeass new blogs and muses. So, you know. Mix bag.

22. What would make you block someone?

Red flags for manipulation and lowgrade emotional a.buse, especially ones I viscerally feel in my stomach from previous experiences. Obvious r.ight-leaning politics ( Weirdly, I’m not particularly comfortable around people who don’t think I or my friends deserve to be treated like human beings! A character quirk, haha! )

Also ngl sometimes I block people just to remind myself I’ve followed them before and I don’t wanna re-follow them six times and look like I’m trying to intentionally harass them. My memory is bad but the block button always knows, lmao. 😅

23. Have you ever stolen something from someone else?

Not intentionally — I try very hard not to steal hc from duplicates or take plots without asking. But, y’know, sometimes an idea sticks in your head and you eventually just forget where it originally came from.

24. Have you ever had something stolen from you? If so, how did you handle it?

Not that I’m aware of.

25. Are you open to duplicates? Why / why not?

Absolutely, for the most part! I like seeing other perspectives, and especially since @thewrongsorts​ is such a bigass multi it lowkey just makes my life easier.

There are a few exceptions — less because they’re duplicates and more because there are hc/fanon I just......dislike enough I don’t wanna write with them. Not a feeling that’s limited to duplicates tbh.

26. How do you feel about vague posting? 

Ehhh. It’s like not a great thing, but I get the appeal. I tend to unfollow if someone posts a lot of it because then they’re just passive-aggressive as a person, but the occasional vagueblog I don’t mind. Sometimes you gotta get shit off your chest but you don’t wanna make it a wholeass call-out, I get it.

27. Do you follow people even if they don’t follow you back?

Generally I unfollow. I’m here to write, if we’re not interacting it’s clogging my dash. ( Honestly I unfollow mutuals eventually if we never write.... ) But very occasionally someone’s got such good #takes and hc that I stick around just bc I stan.

28. Do you read people’s rules before following or interacting?

A l w a y s.

29. What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it?

It’s nice! Like.... I wouldn’t require anyone to do it, but it makes people feel better about their blogs, it’s polite. I know I’m happier getting memes as well as passing them along. You know, be social. Connect with people. I always try to practice it, yeah.

30. How have you responded to popular slang used on tumblr? Do you use it in every day life? Do you use it at all?

Uhhh, yeah. My irl social circles are a lot of dumb gay millennials, we use a lot of dumb internet slang.

31. Is there something you don’t know the meaning of but you haven’t asked anyone because you think it’s supposed to be general knowledge?

Oh yeah! Joined Tumblr rpc ten years late with Starbucks! But also like.... I’m a web developer. 90% of my irl workskills are being good at Googlin’ shit. So I’ve pretty much always found the answer on my own, at least. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

32. Was there ever something you had to ask someone to explain? 

( See above. )

33. Have you ever experienced discrimination? 

Here or irl or....? I mean yes in any case, but much less often in the rpc specifically. This blog is a lot less outspoken ( both about politics or about who I....am....generally ) than most of my others or me irl.

Shoutout to that time I complained one (1) time about how copacetic the H.arry P.otter rpc is and an actual irl n.eon.azi jumped in my inbox lmaooooooo.

34. How do you feel about personal blogs following your rp blog?

Uhhh, I don’t love it? But if they mostly chill and don’t fuck with my actual threads I usually ignore them. ¯\_( ‘ ‘ )_/¯

35. Have you ever cried while writing a reply?

No. I’m not like......good at crying. 😐

36. Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

Depends on the blog. Some multis I follow are in fandoms I just like don’t even understand, so I don’t read those. Sometimes I just don’t got the energy. But I read a lot of my friends’ other threads or threads on blogs I stan.

Good writing is good shit and I’m.....a big 👀 bitch. Tbh.

37. What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you?

Call-out posts, bringing real life politics into rp, generally acknowledging that we have lives outside of the fictional world that affect how we read and interact with fiction.

( 👏 The O.rder 👏👏 of the 👏 P.hoenix 👏👏 is A.ntif.a 👏👏👏 )

I don’t want to ever push that onto other people though, definitely. (Especially people affected by terrifying irl politics and coming here for escapism. )

38. How do you feel about tagging triggers? Do you tag them? How do you determine what is triggering content and what isn’t?

Always 👏👏 tag 👏👏 fucking 👏 triggers 👏👏👏

I tag things that are common or obviously upsetting, and if someone asks I add whatever tags they need to my list — the “list” is mostly a mental tally so I occasionally fuck up, but god I feel strongly about triggers.

Let 👏 people 👏 who are hurting 👏👏 live. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

39. What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

Poking around to see how other people seem to “operate” and scrolling through posts about how to get started is so so so fucking helpful! Don’t be afraid to do it!

Also reach out to people as much as you can work up the spoons to. If they’re rude back to you, like..... They were never worth your time anyhow. You dodged a bullet.

( Value yourself 2k19 )

[lechevaliermalfet]

Seasonally Appropriate, part II: A Long Look at the Castlevania: Lords of Shadow Series

In the early to mid-2000s, there was an odd trend of Japanese game developers farming out high-profile intellectual properties to Western developers.  To the best of my knowledge, this began with Metroid Prime, though it really got going with the beginning of the first HD generation of consoles, and would go on to include DMC: Devil May Cry, Bionic Commando, Sonic Boom, Sonic Mania, every Silent Hill game from Origins onward, and probably a host of others I’m forgetting.  

The reasons for this are difficult to pinpoint, and probably vary considerably from developer to developer.  Some developers seemed to have been caught flat-footed by the sheer amount of personnel and time required to make a game in HD.  Konami is said to have, at one point or another, pulled basically every single human being capable of operating a keyboard to work on Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.  Others may have wanted to capture a larger audience (thanks to the increased expense of creating games in HD), and felt that their games looked and felt “too Japanese” to cater to a more international audience (a move that ironically would have angered many existing fans, and often did).  Still others may simply have wanted a breath of fresh air, to see what a different design sensibility brought to the table.  Yet others may have noticed the upswing in popularity enjoyed by Western games and developers, and thought the best way to ride that gravy train was simply to give their franchises to Westerners to handle.

At any rate, it was a thing that happened.

More below the cut.  There will be spoilers.

If Metroid Prime isn’t the first example of this, then it’s the first big, high-profile example.  Nintendo basically co-founded Retro Studios, along with some of the development staff that had made the Turok gmes, and said “Here’s a big pile of money.  Cancel all your ongoing projects and make us some Metroid games.  Try not to fuck it up.”  This looked completely insane on the surface of things.  Nintendo buying what was at that time a no-name studio and giving them one of their sacred cow franchises to develop seemed unthinkable at the time. But, as they often (though not always) do, Nintendo knew what they were doing, though their reasoning was opaque to outsiders.  

On the more recent side of this phenomenon, meanwhile, we have the Sonic games. If I had to guess, I’d say the decision to farm the series out to a Western developer was motivated by some of the same factors as Metroid Prime for Nintendo.  Like the Metroid series, Sonic has greater appeal for a Western audience at this point, I think, so Sega let that audience call the shots. This initially resulted in Sonic Boom, a multimedia blitz that consisted of a decent cartoon, a couple portable games of variable quality, and a WiiU title broadly derided as a buggy, broken shit-heap of a game.  

But this really just amounted to what was at the time the most recent manifestation of the so-called “Sonic Cycle”.  It seems to go something like this: Sega announces a new Sonic game → The fanbase collectively gets hyped for the game on the strength of some carefully vetted videos, screenshots, and assorted other promotional materials → The game comes out → Reviews and impressions come in, and the game is revealed to fall somewhere on a spectrum that goes from “okay, I guess” to “complete, total, utter, and absolute flaming garbage” → The fandom reminisces mournfully about the good old days of the 16-bit era → Sega announces a new Sonic game… The Sonic Cycle is basically the perpetual triumph of hope over experience.  

The exceptions tend to be of the rule-proving variety.  Miraculously, Sega’s next move was ultimately to farm the series out to yet another developer, who had the dangerous idea that perhaps the best thing to do – by process of elimination, since Sega seemed to have tried literally everything else by this point – was to give the fans precisely the thing they had been clamoring for since Sonic 3 & Knuckles (which, for those of you playing at home, was over two decades ago): A new 16-bit Sonic game.

Sonic Mania is great, by the way.  Incidentally, it’s also probably the most widely acclaimed game in the series since the 16-bit titles it so lovingly homages.  

There’s probably a whole thinkpiece to be written, right there: Contrasting Nintendo and Sega’s decision-making abilities.  But you really only have to look at where the companies have wound up over the years to get the essence of it.  Nintendo is still bravely, confidently, profitably soldiering along in the hardware business despite having been technologically outclassed on both the console and portable fronts since 2006.  Sega, meanwhile, ended the hardware side of their business with neither a bang nor a whimper, bur rather with a sort of resigned shrug, a sigh, and a muttered “Fuck it, we tried.” They have since managed to defy expectations by staying in business.  And they still keep churning out Sonic games, despite the Cycle, to an audience that seems to consist primarily of

Children whose grandparents bought them the games

Furries of a certain stripe

Deluded Sega fanatics who are probably still waiting for the promised day when Sega releases the Dreamcast 2 and we all go home to glory.

The rest of these Western-helmed sequels, reboots, and re-imaginings of popular franchises have had varying reactions from the fans.  The phenomenon seems to be over for the time being, the causative problem either having been solved or otherwise rendered irrelevant.  At any rate, I have gone far, far afield in a piece that’s supposed to be about the Castlevania: Lords of Shadow series.

I brought up all of the foregoing to lend some context, and it went to its own weird place, but it entertained me, and fuck it, it’s not like I have an editor.  So…

Somewhere in the middle of all these Western-flavored farmings-out, we had Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. In terms of why it got farmed out to a Western developer, this one seems to descend from the House of Fuck If We Know What To Do With It; Let Someone Else Take a Crack At It.  Castlevania 64 and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness tried to make the series work in 3D on the N64, and failed.  There was a running joke for a while that Capcom had made 3D Castlevania work in the form of its Devil May Cry series, which must have incensed more than a few of the fine folks at Konami. Then Koji Igarashi, fresh off his successes with the Metroidvania games on the Playstation and the Gameboy Advance, was given a shot at it. Castlevania: Lament of Innocence and Castlevania: Curse of Darkness were better games than the N64 efforts, but…  well, you could make the argument that a good trepanning might be a better experience than those games.  If anything, both were ultimately kind of shallow Devil May Cry imitators that lurked somewhere in the B tier of the PlayStation 2 library, far less than what the series deserved.

So, come the next generation, Konami decided to let Mercury Steam handle it, and assigned Hideo “Motherfucking” Kojima to keep an eye on the project from time to time.

It had been remarked by any number of industry wags that Capcom's Devil May Cry franchise was probably the closest we were going to get to a translation of Castlevania into three dimensions.  This mostly amounted to a snide, backhanded swipe at Konami's troubles bringing the franchise into 3D on the N64 more than anything else.  There are certainly some similarities at a surface level, such as the aesthetic.  Like Castlevania, Devil May Cry is a horror fantasy that leans far more heavily into the fantasy side of its heritage. The horror imagery is less for actual scares, but more to project an easy sense of danger and menace.  And like Castlevania had been in its 2D outings (Symphony of the Night aside), Devil May Cry was a pure balls-to-the-wall action game.  But this is mostly where the similarities ended.  Castlevania's pace, in the 2D games, was always more deliberate than many of its peers (contrasted against, say, Mega Man), though you still had to have nimble fingers and a keen sense of timing.  

But perhaps the greatest difference was in personality.  Devil May Cry's personality as a game was centered on its protagonist, Dante. Sarcastic, wise-cracking, brash, cocky, and irreverent, with his long red coat and his trademark giant sword and twin pistols, Dante was the epitome of badass.  And that's before we get into all the crazy antics in his moveset.  Castlevania, meanwhile, didn't as a general rule really have characters as vivid as Dante; in fact, the only real recurring character is its villain, Dracula.  Its heroes, members of the Belmont clan of vampire slayers, tended to come across as grimly determined, muscular, sort of generic warriors who tore down all their enemies with a combination of skill and raw force, with a few straying into leather-and-fur-clad barbarian territory.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  But it does leave most of the characters lacking in personality.  But it’s to be expected.  The template for the series was created in the 8-bit days when any kind of personality was difficult to convey.

One of the most distinct features of the heroes of the classic Castlevania games (for reference going forward, "classic" is going to be shorthand for "the 8-bit and 16-bit games prior to Symphony of the Night") is the sense of pace and momentum.  There was a sense of weight and heaviness to the various members of the Belmont clan who served as player characters in those games.  Some of it came down to the way they moved.  None of them were especially fast on their feet, as video game characters went, and the series was unique for not letting you control the direction of your jump in mid-air the way so many other video games did.  It's realistic, of course, but was unusual for the time.  There was no course-correction possible if you jumped wrong, no mid-air take-backsies if you misjudged your timing.  If you got your timing wrong, then oh well.  Don’t fuck up next time.

And the Belmonts' weapon of choice, the Vampire Killer whip, was also a bit unique.  As a whip, it's got a bit of a wind-up to it.  Not a huge one, but enough that you have to be aware of it.  Your attacks don't land immediately with the press of a button.  Castlevania III was probably the best early demonstration of this, where even though it only takes three frames, swinging that whip for the attack and pelting the morning star forward is clearly animated as a full-body action.  It gives the attacks a deeply satisfying feeling of force, regardless of how much damage they do, but also means you have to pay attention to how you maneuver through the game, and have a keener sense for spacing and timing when facing an enemy.

This is another reason I feel like the assessment of Devil May Cry as the ideal for a 3D Castlevania is off.  Dante is a fun character to play as, but when it comes to maneuvering  him, he's constantly leaping, dodging, and rolling about.  He's lighter than air.  And that's fun, naturally.  But he also doesn't really feel like a Castlevania hero.

After the first disappointing venture into the third dimension with the N64 titles, Konami came out with a second set of 3D Castlevania titles for the PlayStation 2: Lament of Innocence, which aimed to tell the origins of the Belmont clan and their eternal war against Dracula and everything else that goes bump in the night; and Curse of Darkness, which was a sequel/side story to Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse. With Koji Igarashi at the helm, these fared somewhat better than the N64 entries, but still ultimately wound up climbing no higher than the upper end of the B tier of PlayStation 2 games.  Which is kind of sad, really. Castlevania deserved better than to play second fiddle to the top tier of hack-and-slash action games.  As a series that used to be a premier example of that kind of game back in the 2D days, it deserved to be on that top tier.

Really, you'd think all anyone had to do was just rip off Devil May Cry (which, given the accusations of Devil May Cry lifting liberally from Castlevania in the first place, would certainly seem justified if not terribly original), but the final products were ultimately lacking something, though it was difficult to say exactly what.  The response from critics and fans alike was generally positive, but ultimately with a feeling that something was missing.  The games were good, but didn't seem to quite live up to the legacy of their forebears.  And so the idea of creating a 3D Castlevania seems to have gotten shelved again for the time being.

As the first generation of HD consoles really came into its own, it became apparent that the old total dominance of Japanese developers in that arena, at least at the upper end of technical and technological prowess, was on the wane.  There are a number of different reasons for this, and the discussion frankly deserves its own write-up.  The bottom line is that Western developers were quickly becoming ascendant in console gaming, where previously they had made up a small minority of the notable output.  And so Konami got the idea to do with Castlevania what they had done with Silent Hill, what Capcom had done with Bionic Commando and what Nintendo had done with Metroid: give the franchise to a Western developer to handle.

MercurySteam was, in the beginning, basically a no-name outfit with nothing published under their own name.  Wikipedia indicates that MercurySteam was made primarily of personnel from an older development studio called Rebel Act.  They were notable apparently for just one game, and that had been back in 2001. What they did in the nine-ish years between that and Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, if anything, is a mystery to me.  Why they got chosen to work on one of Konami's classic series is likewise a mystery.  But whatever; it happened.

Lords of Shadow was initially teased just by its subtitle, and first billed as a new intellectual property for Konami.  This was done in part to avoid trampling the hype Konami wanted to build for Castlevania Judgment, a Wii-exclusive fighting game featuring multiple characters from different points in the timeline.  This was almost universally dunked on and dumped on by critics and users alike, so it's questionable how much damage the announcement of Lords of Shadow could have done to it.

I can't pretend to know what the reaction was when Lords of Shadow was announced officially as a Castlevania game. To be honest, I wasn't paying much attention until near its release, though I picked up a copy near launch.  I sometimes think that even without the impending release of Castlevania Judgment, Konami might still have teased Lords of Shadow without the Castlevania name for a while.  At that point, it may have been easier to build hype for an all-new IP than for a new Castlevania game on console, given the baggage the series carried.

I was curious to see what a Western-developed installment of the franchise might look like.  In terms of aesthetics, the classic 8- and 16-bit Castlevanias had always had more of a Western look to them, which made sense given the eastern European setting and backing history/mythology.  If anything, this was one of the franchises where handing it off to a Western developer made the most sense.

(As a side note, MercurySteam later went on to make Metroid: Samus Returns on the 3DS, which now makes them the only developer of Metroidvania games to have worked on both a Metroid and a 'vania.)

For inspiration, Lords of Shadow seems to have turned to the God of War series. From the burly, muscular hero, to the chain-based weapon that allows the player to operate at some distance from the enemy (though in fairness, the chain whip has been part of Castlevania since way before God of War was a thought in anyone’s head), to the brutal take-downs, to the regularly occurring puzzle-solving challenges, to the quick-time events used to finish off bosses and major enemies, there is a lot of God of War in this game.  But one of the first, biggest differences is in tone. The player character's brutality in Lords of Shadow is more utilitarian, more matter of fact and by the way, where God of War's Kratos explicitly relishes his violence.

Rather than a sequel, though, Lords of Shadow serves as a reboot of the series, which frustrated some.  There had been talk by various characters in Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow, which take place in 2035 and 2036, respectively, about a conflict in 1999 wherein Dracula was finally beaten and destroyed once and for all.  Fans had naturally been clamoring for the chance to play this epic final showdown pretty much since it was first hinted at, and had been repeatedly disapopinted when it failed to materialize.  The forecast for said showdown appearing seemed to go from "unlikely, but stay hopeful" to "nope" with the announcement that Lords of Shadow was going to be a reboot.  This kind of thing usually signals that the old continuity is done for good.  And it effectively is, though that's mainly because Konami seems to have gotten out of the video game business entirely at this point.

As a story, Lords of Shadow follows to some extent in the series tradition, which is to say, it's pretty ridiculous.

We start off with Gabriel Belmont, an original creation for this reboot series.  He belongs to the Brotherhood of Light, a group of holy warriors whose purpose is to eliminate supernatural enemies of humankind. Clad in their signature red outfit (probably a nod to the artwork for Simon Belmont in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest), he wields the Combat Cross, which is (or rather, will become over the course of the game) this continuity's take on the Vampire Killer whip.

It is medieval times, and Satan has cast a spell to seperate Heaven and the Earth, trapping the souls of the dead in the world of the living, and generally causing all sorts of supernatural shenanigans. Gabriel, at the behest of the Brotherhood, is after an ancient relic called the God Mask, which should enable its wearer to break Satan's spell.  However, it's been broken into three pieces, each one held by one of the titular Lords of Shadow.

Said Lords are revealed over the course of the game to have once been members of the Brotherhood of Light themselves, who achieved such a degree of holiness that their spirits ascended to Heaven.  However, they were so holy that they didn't even have to die for this to happen.  Their spirits just... ascended, and left their bodies behind.  Their fleshly, mortal bodies, which were now susceptible to all manner of vice and villainy and corruption, and lacking none of their former power. Thus were the Lords of Shadow born as dark reflections of their former holiness.

Along the way, Gabriel is occasionally assisted by another, older member of the Brotherhood, named Zobek.  In addition to his passive observation, advice, and occasional hands-on assistance in Gabriel's quest (all meant to subtly goad him in particular directions for reasons initially left unexplained), Zobek also narrates between chapters.  

Zobek is voiced by Patrick Stewart, but unfortunately, he just seems ever-so-slightly off in Lords of Shadow. He's not bad at all.  It's just that he seems to always be a little off from what I think of as the right tone for the character and his lines.  Robert Carlyle, who provides the voice of Gabriel, seems to be a bit more on-point.

Gabriel also has a dead wife to avenge, or ideally, to bring back to life, a feat he hopes to accomplish with the power of the God Mask.  He also has (without his knowledge) a son, whose gestation and birth occurred during one of his long absences on Brotherhood business, and whose existence goes unmentioned until later entries in the series. The secret of this child's birth was deliberately kept from him by the Brotherhood and his wife (who was sworn to secrecy by them) due to some unspecified danger they saw in his future.

His journey takes him through the wilderness of a version of Europe that never existed, and then into the ruins of the ancient fictional civilization of Agharta, and to worse places yet.  Background lore is dispensed by way of scrolls found on the bodies of fallen Brotherhood members that Gabriel encounters as he goes.  All of this, as well as information about the various creatures Gabriel faces, items he acquires, and moves he learns, is kept in a tome he brings with him, which the player can read at their leisure.  Most of it is stupidly, wonderfully overwrought.

Gabriel, we are eventually told, is God's chosen champion, empowered to confront Satan himself in order to undo his malevolent magic.  Slowly but surely, Gabriel confronts each of the Lords of Shadow and retrieves their piece of the God Mask.  This includes Zobek, we eventually discover, who is a necromancer of considerable power, and who is ultimately revealed to have escaped death despite his defeat.  

Through the course of Lords of Shadow, Gabriel does indeed successfully beat up Satan and restore the world to its normal order.  However, he is unable to resurrect his wife after all.  Then the DLC gives him a new foe to face, and in order to do this, he must give up his humanity and become a vampire.

This culminates in him becoming the evil Dracula who served as the villain for the vast majority of the original Castlevania series. 

Mirror of Fate, a spinoff released physically for the 3DS and digitally for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, occurs in the ensuing years and decades after Gabriel rises to become a vampiric overlord with ambitions of world domination.

We start off as Simon Belmont, who is unaware that Dracula was once a Belmont himself (in fact, Dracula is his grandfather).  Simon is a fur-clad, muscular barbarian with very little in the way of characterization, who is aided from time to time (sometimes without his knowledge) by a pale, black-clad stranger running around the castle, who turns out to be Alucard, the son of Dracula.  The two team up to stake Dracula, though as series fans already know, this isn’t going to be permanent.

Then the game shifts focus, and we get to play as Alucard.  Alucard likewise has very little character growth or development.  Then, when his section is finished, the game shifts focus again.  We end the game playing as Trevor Belmont, Gabriel's son, a generation or so before Simon's time, and find out just exactly how bad Trevor's own mission against Dracula went.

When we come to the opening of Lords of Shadow 2, we find that Gabriel-as-Dracula is still God's chosen one, despite all the murder and blood-drinking and oppression that's just du rigeur for being a vampiric overlord.  As such, he is immortal – virtually impossible to kill even by the standards of vampires.

But Lords of Shadow 2 proper begins in the modern era.  Zobek, now a wealthy and powerful businessman with his fingers in a variety of pies, approaches Dracula in the cathedral where he has recently reawakened. But the lord of vampires persists in a diminished state.  Weakened and desiccated, he looks like a walking corpse, a pale shadow of his former self, hating his eternal life but feeling compelled to go on with it in order to spite his enemies (Zobek, Satan, and God Himself). So he lingers.

Zobek offers him a way out.  Satan's minions are increasing in power, gearing up for their master's return to the human world.  As God's chosen one, Dracula alone is empowered to fight against him.  In exchange, Zobek promises he can finally put an end to Dracula's life once and for all, as he has reassembled the broken Vampire Killer whip once wielded by Gabriel himself.  And so, after a meal to freshen up (probably one of the most disturbing and problematic parts of the entire series), Dracula sets off through the city that now stands on the foundations of his ancient, massive castle from centuries ago.

Where the original Lords of Shadow was more plot-focused, Lords of Shadow 2 tries to be more character driven, focusing on Dracula's return to humanity – in spirit, if not physically.  Unfortunately, the focus on story, not just in Lords of Shadow 2 but in the entire reboot series, is where it most falls flat.

The whole thing is difficult to take seriously much of the time. Granted, Castlevania as a whole is ridiculous and over the top.  This has been true from the very first game, which was riddled with anachronisms (fighting Frankenstein's monster somewhere in the sixteenth or seventeenth century) and featuring Death himself as Dracula's right-hand man – well, right-hand personification of the abstract concept of the end of life – all throughout the series.  Seriously, it isn't a proper Castlevania game if there isn't a boss fight against Death somewhere near the end, preferably one tough as nails.  But that oddly makes a certain amount of sense.  As a being who routinely flouts death by coming back to life once a century just as a matter of course (not even getting into all the times people resurrect him just because), Dracula might be expected to be on some kind of terms with the Grim Reaper.  

But then the Lords of Shadow continuity introduces this whole Satan business, and I just...

No.

So the idea in the Lords of Shadow continuity is that Gabriel Belmont is for whatever reason God's champion, chosen to face down Satan and prevent him from taking over the world.  And for some reason, I just have a hard time buying it.  Having a character fight off lesser demons and mythological monsters?  Sure, no problem.  Having that character fighting off the servants of Satan in this world to prevent him from entering it, yeah, that's perfectly fine.  But having a knock-down, drag-out with the big man, the capital-D Devil himself?  Somehow, my brain draws a line there. Maybe it's because the game uses a generally Christian mythological framework, and Lords of Shadows' idea of Satan doesn't really mesh with that.  You don't just throw down with the Father of Lies.  I mean, yes, there are all sorts of folktales about conflicts between humankind and the devil, but none of them end in a brawl.  That's just not how it goes; that's not what he's there for.

Which is a goddamn shame, because there are hints of something more interesting going on.  Gabriel-as-Dracula in Lords of Shadow 2 has positioned himself as an enemy of God (he refers at least once to being a thorn in His side), mainly by going against God's stated purpose for him.  The game opens pretty memorably with him in a conflict against the Brotherhood of Light, displaying his immunity to the holy powers they try to call down on him, screaming at one paladin in particular that his reliance upon God is his undoing, because despite Gabriel's defiance, he is still God's chosen one.  There's also the idea that as Dracula, Gabriel is a necessary evil, that although he stands in opposition to God (over his anger at the fate God thrust upon him), he also stands as a bulwark against Satan, as well as Zobek, who has his own designs on the world.

And the games are gorgeous.  All of them lean hard into a sort of quasi-gothic horror-fantasy aesthetic that I really would love to see more of.  This is all quite apart from the technical capability on display, which is also top-notch.  I love just running around in them, looking at the scenery and beating the unholy hell out of the monsters that come crawling out of it.

But it ultimately falls apart for being too self-serious.  Castlevania has always had an odd silly streak.  As mentioned, the original games took a bunch of mythological creatures and classic horror movie monsters, mashed them all together, and played the whole thing completely straight.  They did this knowing how ridiculous it was, but doing it anyway because it was also completely fucking awesome. This is in the grand tradition of old-school video games, where the plot was less of a story that you got invested in and more of an excuse for all the things the game was going to have you do.

The problem is that this really works best when you do it in the style of those older games, when you don't draw too much attention to it or elaborate on it too much.  I mean, let's break down the series mythology from the original continuity:

-- Since the Middle Ages, Dracula the vampire has been terrorizing Europe, returning to life once every century to do it.  He summons to him all manner of creatures from myth and legend (and other fiction) in pursuit of this goal.

-- The Belmont clan, carriers of the Vampire Killer whip, are  uniquely empowered to smite him.  This they do, with as much reliability as Dracula's return, alongside a growing number of allies.

-- Sometimes there are cultists or other Bad People who resurrect Dracula for their own ends outside the usual once-per-century pattern, or other evil entities who borrow his power in some fashion.

And that's basically it.  And it worked.  It was simple, but it was effective, in the way that the stories of games like, say, Super Mario Bros. or the early Sonic the Hedgehog games were.  It wasn't built to handle a lot of lore and characterization, and in fact it kind of falls apart under the weight of those things. You start trying to give Castlevania a really deep, involving story, and that just exposes how ridiculous the whole thing actually is, how shaky the framework, how unsteady the foundation is to build lore upon.  You can hear its light, almost slapped-together framework creaking under the weight of all that load.

We see this happening in the original series.  Symphony of the Night, and the portable entries that followed in its footsteps, crammed in just about all the story that the games were really set up to handle.  Then we get to Lament of Innocence, which tries hard to justify Dracula's motives and tendency to return from death to fulfill them, the Belmont clan's struggle against  him, and all the rest.  And the real problem is that it's totally unnecessary, and the attempt to sell it as high drama with this inherent silliness in its premise just continually falls flat.

To a certain extent, I get the perceived need to do this.  We seem to have left behind the era when major, big-budget games can be just fun. They have to be these big, trampling, sober, serious things now, all high stakes and serious business.  Most of the games that revolve around being fun tend to find themselves in the vanishing B-tier of games, or else indie titles.  Or the exclusive province of Nintendo.  There doesn't seem to be room in the industry any more for big-budget games that don't take themselves entirely seriously.  

So what does Lords of Shadow, as a sub-series, get right?

Quite a bit, it turns out.

Despite its missteps with the story, the world looks gorgeous.  I'd love to see a remastered version that features the games running at 60 frames per second in 1080p, and maybe sharpens the textures up a bit, but honestly, it looks pretty much fine as it is.  The characters and environments are nicely detailed, and I love the overall sense of design.  Especially toward the middle of the first game, where the levels tend toward "Gothic, but totally over the top".  

The beginning of Lords of Shadow seems a little questionable, mainly because of the focus on purely fantasy creatures: goblins, trolls, etc.; things that don't really have much to do with the horror imagery Castlevania typically goes for.  It's not bad, it just doesn't quite fit right.

But as the game goes on, it dives more into horror territory, with werewolves, vampires, and more outlandish creatures still.  Boss battles are giant setpieces which are plenty challenging, and usually end with a series of quick-time events that work you through an ultimately brutal but satisfying take-down of the boss in question.  

The sense of substantiality, of heaviness, that I usually associate with the classic Castlevania heroes is present and accounted for.  With his broad shoulders and muscular physique, Gabriel evokes the deliberate movements of the heroes of the classic Castlevania games. And his attacks land with a satisfying impact, again hitting that feeling of "considered and deliberate" that I associate with the classic titles.  At the same time, he's actually quite light on his feet.  While that still makes him a little different from the Belmonts of old, it makes sense with the way the game's designed. Unlike those classic games, most of the enemies don't die in just one or two hits.  Like many hack-and-slash games, Gabriel's movement through the game's areas is very stop-and-go, stretches of travel and puzzle-solving punctuated by combat encounters with multiple enemies (or one major enemy), each of which takes some work to bring down.  Faster and more complex maneuvers are necessary to avoid being obliterated.

There are also a few callbacks here and there to the previous series. Although Gabriel is a completely original character to the series, his design is clearly meant to evoke the look of Simon Belmont as he appeared in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. Structurally, Lords of Shadow borrows from the more linear structure old-school, classic style of Castlevania games. The first Lords of Shadow follows in the classic mold more than either of its sequels in the rebooted continuity.  Lords of Shadow 2 features a seamlessly interconnected environment, but in the end, the player is still directed through it in a mostly linear fashion, with the optional digressions being just that.  

Mirror of Fate, meanwhile, is the least classic-like of the three, instead hewing much closer to the Metroidvania style, but it's pretty shallow as Metroidvanias go.  It apes the style of Igarashi's 2D predecessors, but lacks much of the real substance.  It's not bad, but it's sort of a letdown.  It’s disappointing mainly in the way that it presents itself as a Metroidvania game, but then... isn't, really.  The whole thing is so on-rails that most of the major backtracking feels forced, and the backtracking that isn't is so minor that you can safely skip over it.  It's more of a straight-up action game dressed up like a Metroidvania, as if they did it because that's just what's expected of a 2D Castlevania these days.  Which is a shame, becasue MercurySteam can make a good Metroidvania – they went on to do it with Metroid: Samus Returns (though, admittedly, they were working from the template of a pre-existing game).

Interestingly, one of the classic series features that doesn't get touched on in Lords of Shadow is the music.  Over the years, the classic Castlevania titles have built up a variety of iconic pieces that people tend to expect to hear. "Vampire Killer", "Wicked Child", and "Bloody Tears" are just some of the more famous ones.  These often get worked into the various sequels and remakes in one form or another. Lords of Shadow mostly lacks these, barring a music-box rendition of "Vampire Killer" in an unlikely spot.  In fact, the soundtrack is mainly comprised of generic orchestral pieces which are nice – they swell and pound in all the right places to evoke the appropriate mood – but not really melodic or memorable.

A number of fans of the series were upset by the lack of classic tracks.  While I can understand the general complaints about the soundtrack on its own merits, I do find it somewhat overblown. It would've been nice, sure.  But plenty of other well-regarded games in the classic seriess, such as the particularly revered Symphony of the Night, did without the classic tunes from the series history, and nobody complained then.

Bits of original series lore also pop up here and there, recycled and repurposed to match the tone and style of the new continuity, as a wink and nod from the developer to the fans.  But in the end, it almost feels more frustrating than anything else.  These bits of the original series that poke up into view here and there seem to serve as reminders of the game that I wanted, bolted onto the game that we got.  I was looking for something dark and grim and gloriously over the top, borderline goofy in its melodrama.

And that, I think, is most of my problem with Lords of Shadow, as a continuity unto itself.  There are some great setpieces, and the combat is fine, and the games look about as good as it's possible for last-gen console hardware to get.  And the story is gloriously over the top.  It just...  It takes itself too seriously. It gets in its own way, falls over itself, and just generally doesn't land right.  It looks right, it just doesn't feel quite right.  The tone is off, and it dwells on itself too much.  Classic Castlevania would do something over the top and ridiculous and awesome, and then move on. Lords of Shadow dwells on it, lingers on it, and it’s neither deep enough nor solid enough to support that level of seriousness.  I think most times that it really should have been its own intellectual property.

It's better than the 3D Castlevania games to come before it.  But Castlevania still deserves better.

It's a shame that, with Konami being what they are now, we're probably never going to get it.