#(I have to look through my sister's thesis anyways so I might not be drawing a lot the next few days xD)

[mitamicah]

What it feels like rn 😏😆🥹

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2020

Hey y’all. So 2020 happened. That was a thing. Apparently. I know for a lot of people this year was uhm… pretty shit… but it was still a year that happened so it’s time for my annual reflection post (probably the only time I still post about myself on tumblr lol) and maybe we might even find some good things that happened this year!

 The Beginning of 2020 vs Now

So, a lot has changed since the start of the year. A pandemic happened, for one. I can’t believe that a year ago I could still go to class every day and see my friends and now I’m pretty much stuck at home every day. The year started out pretty normal and then march happened and well, you all know what happened next. The worst part about the pandemic for me personally was probably the fact that I barely see my friends anymore and I can’t go to class every day. Some people may not think that not going to class is that bad, but I really enjoyed university more than I ever enjoyed school and I was really happy going there every day, and I was already sad I’d only have 4 to 5 years to spend there, so when that period got even shorter it made me kinda sad.

On the other hand, I do think that mentally I’m in a much better place than I was last year around this time. Being home this much really gave me time to reflect and work on my issues, and because my sister was stuck in our house for a couple of weeks I got to talk to her a lot which really helped me feel better. I think in general my entire family (my brother, sister and mom) have become a lot more open with each other which I think is great! I guess quarantine can have some benefits.

 The Best Things about 2020

Okay, here’s is where we’re going to get even more positive and go over all the good things that happened (to me) this year! To be honest, most of the year was a bit of a blur so I probably will forget quite a bit, but I’m going to give this a try anyway. At the start of the year (when things were still normal) I was super excited to get into the next semester, as the one before had,,, kinda sucked, and those 6 weeks of class I had at the start of the year were really great. I remember me and my friends having a competition of who could get mentioned the most in our teacher’s powerpoint presentation so those classes were always interesting. I also finally got to dye my hair for the first time with the help of my friends. I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, and I’m so happy I finally got to do it! I even know how to do it myself now, and my hair hasn’t been brown since the start of march! Then, at the start of march, my dad and stepmother moved away and I permanently moved in with my mom. Before, I used to live with both my mom and my dad and I got really really sick of switching houses every week, so to finally live in one house and have all my stuff in one place was a bit of a relief to me, and I’m still really happy with it. After that, things become a bit blurry. I remember that at the start of quarantine in … April? I watched Sex Education or the first time, which is now not only one of my favourite shows ever, but also taught me a lot and helped me with some of the issues I was dealing with. We’ll skip over the subsequent sexuality crisis I had (I think I might actually be straight??), and skip straight to the summer, when I started watching I-Land. I watched every episode as it aired live, and because of this show my Fridays really became the highlight of the week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a survival show XD. The rest of the year was mostly just me spending time with myself. It got a bit lonely sometimes, but I also don’t think I’ve ever written as much as I have this year, and my drawing has significantly improved (if I may say so myself)! Especially towards the end of the year, when I started making a planning every day to prevent myself from wasting away all my time on youtube, I got super productive, and I wrote a lot, and made a lot of art, and I really felt good. I even started (gasp) working out. Yeah I know. Shocking right.

There was also a lot of good music that was released this year, and, to close this section on a great note, through one of my classes I finally found a group of friends to play D&D with! We haven’t actually played yet, but we will, and I’m so excited to play the game and get to know these people more! They all seem really kind!

 My Resolutions for 2020?

Now, here’s the part where we check whether I actually reached all the goals I set myself for 2020. As usual, I have no idea what my resolutions were, so I honestly have no idea how I did. Let’s see, shall we?

Express my feelings more (as in I get really awkward in any sappy or mushy situation but I would like to be able to tell people I appreciate them without cringing) – UHM way to attack me on the very first resolution jeez. I did get more open with my family but I still can’t tell people I care about them without cringing so this is a fail lol

Again, learn to depend less on other people’s opinion and trust my own – I’ve been working on it, I think I’ve gotten a bit better? So win?

Get my sleeping schedule back on track – did that! It’s a bit whacky again now because of the holidays, but October and November were a big success regarding this resolution

WRITE MORE. This time I’ll make some concrete goals: Either I’ll get my story’s first draft done, or I’ll write 100 pages on a single project – okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t think I did any of these particular things, however this time I am 100% sure I wrote a lot more than the past years. I cannot count all the files and pages and notes I have now, but I wrote a lot, so I’m counting this as a win

I want to try NaNoWriMo (not necessarily in November, but at some point) – yeah, didn’t do that oops

I want to read a lot again but maybe not as much as this year because I want to focus on writing too. 40 books? – 49 books babey

Read all my current unread books (Aru Shah 2, Skullduggery Pleasant 9, Gemina, The Mistborn Trilogy and Call Down The Hawk) and finish my reread of Heroes of Olympus and the Raven Cycle) – Did all of these except Skullduggery Pleasant 9 (the start was so boring I decided not to read it all) and The Mistborn Trilogy (I am about halfway through the first book I think?) so I’m counting this as half a win

Finally read a book by V.E. Schwab (I’ve been wanting to try one of her books for ages) – Did that! Read a whole trilogy. It was good but not as great as I expected them to be. I think my expectations were too high though

Finish Playing Twilight Princess (I promised my brother) – Did that! I’m really proud of myself and so is my brother

Go. Swimming. Seriously. It’s scandalous that I still haven’t done that after waiting so long to be able to – IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS SINCE I LAST WENT SWIMMING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I did buy new swimshorts but I still haven’t actually used them… shame on me

Try to worry less about school and not overwork myself – kinda?

Maybe try another drawing challenge somewhere this summer? I haven’t done any of those in a while and I feel like my art needs more attention – okay, so I didn’t do that, but I did at the start of the year make the resolution to make portrait/photoshoot-like drawings for my 8 main oc’s, and I did actually manage to finish that, and they are some of the best drawings I’ve ever made, so though I haven’t actually done a challenge specifically, I did do something

I want to try a 24 hour readathon – Yeah, didn’t do that oops

I kinda want to learn a piano piece as well, but I already have so many hobbies I want to focus on so I don’t know if I’ll have the time ☹ – yeah my dad sold our piano so… fail XD

 Expectations for 2021

Now, after last year I think it’s safe to say we can never really know what to expect. But! I’m going to guess anyway because it’ll be really fun to see next year whether I got anything right.

The first thing that I think will probably happen this year (if I don’t majorly mess anything up) is I’ll be writing my thesis next semester, and then in the summer I’ll get my bachelor’s degree. Honestly I can’t believe how fricking fast those 3 years went, but I guess I’ll just have to roll with it lol. Corona vaccinations will also probably start happening next year, and hopefully this will mean that going outside and seeing my friends will be possible again next year – at least a lot more than it was this year. I hope 2021 will be the year of hanging out with friends and getting to live a little again. Maybe even get to go to class. That would be great.

On to more minor – but no less exciting – things, 2021 will probably bring us a new season of Sex Education! I’m sooo excited for that holy shit. And, in a similar vein, I have high hopes for kpop releases now that SHINee is finally back, and it looks like Haseul is also returning to LOONA! 2021 will also be the year in which ENHYPEN makes their first comeback, and some of the other I-LAND contestants will also make their debut, and there might even be a new season of I-LAND as well in the summer? So there’s a lot of things to look forward to. Oh, and I almost forgot, Dan Howell’s book will be released in May, and there will be a new Grishaverse book, and the Shadow and Bone show will start airing, which I am really curious about. Again, lots of things to look forward to!

 2021 Resolutions

I’m not feeling as ambitious as I was last year, but there are a couple of things I want to try and do, so let’s jump into the resolutions!

I just came up with this today, but I think I want to try and build a bit of a skincare routine? The skin on my nose is kinda flakey, and I think it couldn’t hurt to try and take better care of my skin

Keep up with my daily workouts. I want to work out every day, except when I’m at my dad’s or when it’s a special day, like Christmas or something.

Be able to do either 50 push-ups on my knees, 25 normal push-ups, or both

GO SWIMMING

Keep up with planning daily! It’s a really good way to balance all of my 3195 hobbies and it helps me to not get stressed about school

Write (almost) every day. I need to make it a habit

Draw at least once a week, every other day if possible

Go outside at least once a week. That doesn’t seem very hard but with corona I did not realise how little I go outside if I am not forced to. Sometimes I spend 3 weeks without going out and I don’t even notice it. That can’t be good for me lol

Try to make healthier food choices. Maybe follow the lunch meal plan of the guy whose workout videos I follow.

Get my bachelor’s degree

Grow a beard. I’m getting closer… I know I’m getting closer…

Meet with my frIENDS and give them the alBUMS I have for them

Be more careful with my money, maybe even save a bit of money

Spend less time on social media

Read more educational books

I think that’s it! I can’t think of anything else right now so these will have to do. I wish that 2021 will treat all of you much better than whatever mess 2020 was! Happy 2021!

Last year’s post: (x)

@the-official-pentacorn @asiandutchgirl

[dondake]

[akamido] of you and me

rating: t summary: Everything I’ve had I’ve worked for, and I’ve gotten myself. I’ve built myself from the ground up.

The Midorima family business had a quiet fall from grace until Kise Ryouta decided to mention it in his naturally carrying voice in a little gastropub in Tokyo. “Midorima, that reminds me,” he said, drawing all eyes on him as he was addressing a member of the group he rarely personally interacted with. “How are you doing? I saw what happened on the web; hope your family’s doing okay?”

Midorima turned back to the menu in his hands. Aomine, between him and Kise, turned to his right. “What are you talking about, Kise?”

“It’s nothing,” Midorima said.

“Oh, you haven’t heard? It sounded like Midorima’s parents’ company went bankrupt or something! I mean, I don’t keep up with that kind of stuff, but I read that they’d been losing money and had to keep cutting staff and last week, they just went and closed and everything! I don’t really understand it myself, so I wanted to check in today. Midorima-cchi, are you doing okay? You don’t need to drop out of university, do you? My manager could probably get you something, you’re tall and you’ve got a good figure. What of your sister? Isn’t she finishing high school? Does she need to go straight to being an office lady or--”

“Kise,” said Midorima. “Drop it.” Kise opened his mouth to protest and Aomine nudged him, hard, in the side. While this might have elicited a squeal of protest from anyone else, Kise was soft for Aomine and closed his mouth immediately. Still, with everyone’s eyes on him, Midorima had no choice but to sigh and explain himself. “Yes, it’s true that my family’s company has declared bankruptcy. The Board had made several bad investments in the past few years and it was too much to recover. It isn’t like the company has evaporated overnight; they’re still working on sorting out all the debts and manage our remaining employees. But my family is doing fine, thanks for asking.” He waved down a waiter to take their order, effectively ending the conversation.

As they were collecting their jackets at the door, Murasakibara and Momoi helping Aomine carefully handle a tipsy Kise flirting with everyone at the bar while Kuroko watched passively, Akashi cocked his head. “You didn’t tell me your family had been in trouble,” he said.

Midorima did not meet his eyes as he hitched Momoi, Kise, and Aomine’s jackets in his arm. “Would I have talked about my family’s shame even to my closest friend? Especially someone who is heir to an equally weighted familial responsibility?” When he finally looked up, the emotion in his eyes had been controlled to an impasse. “My personal problems are not any of your concerns, no offense.”

“Of course not,” Akashi said, taken aback. “But...well, as you’ve said, I’ve also got the weight of my father’s company on my shoulders so I know what that’s like. I suppose it isn’t proper asking how your family is faring financially but - you’re finishing a business degree, aren’t you? I know that isn’t what you’ve wanted to do, so are you able to start a medical--”

“Akashi,” Midorima interrupted, his voice steely. “I don’t start something I won’t finish.” He turned and handed Kise his jacket in one smooth motion, as if he had rehearsed the gesture. He helped Momoi into her peacoat, as she chatted to keep Kise upright and distracted as Aomine quickly slipped into his coat and slipped his arm back around Kise’s waist to stabilize him. Murasakibara and Kuroko returned from paying the tab.

“Yeah,” Aomine said, once they reached the sidewalk. “How much do we owe you? Just send me the request on Paymo.”

“Sure,” Kuroko said.

“I got you,” Kise slurred, looking over at Midorima. “Send me Midorima-cchi’s share too, don’t worry about it!”

Midorima’s lips drew into a thin, tight line. “I don’t need handouts. I can pay my own way, thanks.” Aomine hurried Kise along, although his glance back at Kuroko was clear enough that Midorima’s portion was to be split between the rest of them. Midorima fell back in the group, tense and unwilling to engage in any more unnecessary discussion.

Akashi fell in step with him. “I’m sorry. For what I said earlier. It was out of line, too early…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Midorima said, although his tone was clipped, almost mechanical. “How long do you think we’ve known each other? I know what you mean.”

At the train station, Kise had thrown both arms fully around Aomine’s neck, comfortably settled into his needy mode for the night. “Aww,” he whined, resting his temple on Aomine’s neck. “I wish I lived on your guys’ side of the city. I hate being so far away. I’m so jealous that Aomine and Kuroko and Midorima go to university together and Akashi’s like...a bus ride away and Murasakibara and Momoi live together and it’s just not fair that I’m on the other side of Tokyo! Won’t one of you come and live near me already!”

“You’re disrupting the other riders,” Aomine chastised. “I told you I’ll see you home so you won’t pass out in a ditch somewhere, so be quiet already.”

“How completely transparent,” Murasakibara grumbled as Aomine and Kise boarded the train going west. “He could have just said he was going over to hook up.”

Momoi tugged on her boyfriend’s ponytail. “Shh. We’re not supposed to know, remember?”

“I suppose it’s just you and me on the walk back to campus,” Kuroko said.

“I suppose so,” Midorima agreed.

“Akashi, you don’t want us to walk to you to your apartment?” Momoi offered. “It’s just a few stops from ours, so it’s not a problem. It’s a warm night, so Atsushi and I won’t mind.”

“It’s fine,” Akashi said, smiling. “Don’t worry about it.” He watched her lean her head against Murasakibara’s shoulder through the train window. Kuroko had already pulled out a book and was discussing it with Midorima, across from them. Akashi found himself on the train platform, feeling suddenly very alone.

[=]

After his only son left for high school in Kyoto and returned to Tokyo for university, Akashi Masaomi decided to sell his big house for a smaller, still elegant abode in a quiet Tokyo suburb. Akashi commuted to school from an apartment closer to campus and spent his weekends at home, where his father was already helping indoctrinate him into the family company on a part-time basis. As he left his own study late one night, Akashi found Midorima putting on his shoes in the foyer. “Midorima,” he said, the surprise apparent in his voice. Since graduating high school, he had learned the proper time to suppress his emotions, which was not all the time. “I didn’t know you were here.”

Midorima’s head was half turned, ready to leave. “I was only here to...discuss something with your father. I figured you were busy, so I did not think it was right to interrupt you.”

“Nonsense; you’re never a bother to me. Are you leaving already? I can put tea on; I’d love to hear about how your thesis is going so far…”

“No, I must be going. Going to campus from my house is an extra half hour, so I don’t want to go to sleep too late. I’m feeling exhausted as it is.” Of course, Akashi thought. With his father’s company disbanded, Midorima was probably staying at his family home more often to help sort out their affairs.

“Right. Well...if you ever need anything, you have my number.”

“Yes. Good night, Akashi.”

Akashi found his father sitting in the living room with the big window open. He was smoking a cigarette, a rare sight in the house. Masaomi only smoked when something very satisfying happened to him. It made Akashi very curious about what he and Midorima had talked about, but one of Masaomi’s number one rules of effective business involved never stating one’s purpose outright. Akashi brought his reports to the couch and peered over them at his father. Masaomi’s hair was ruffled, relaxed, and the top button of his shirt undone; in this state, his father must be ready to sleep for the night and content for the day.

“I saw Midorima at the door. I didn’t know he had come for a visit.”

Masaomi tapped some ash into his marble ashtray. “That boy is talented, he is,” he said, not quite answering Akashi’s implicit question. “That’s the true value of good schools; it’s not so much about what you learn, it’s the people you meet.”

“Quite. It’s a little late for a business call, though, isn’t it, father?”

Masaomi shrugged, unbothered. “Most of his business school classes are in the evening, so it was the only time in his schedule.”

The mystery would only gnaw at his mind and distract him from a good night’s sleep. “What did you and Midorima talk about?”

Masaomi put out his cigarette and folded up the newspaper he had been reading into neat rectangles to place onto the coffee table. “For now, that’s a private matter. You should go to sleep soon, Seijuro. You might not have an early morning class, but having enough rest is important for sound judgements.” Without hired help to help select his outfits for the office, Masaomi had taken great joy in picking out his crisp shirts and ties before he went to bed. Somehow, it had never dawned on him just how many cufflinks and patterns he owned and it chuffed him to no end the combinations he could make. He left his son to ponder things alone.

[=]

“I’m so happy we can hang out like this,” Kise gushed. He drank loudly from his pitch black Americano, the metal bangles around his wrist clattering. “I love it when I have shoots on the East Side. I really ought to move to a place over here, but you know...my parents want me around. They’re super paranoid. You know about the celebrities that get stabbed or whatever because they’ve got obsessive fans. They say that now that I’m moving away from tween and teenage fashion magazines to more high-end brands, there’ll be some crazy girls who get it in their heads that they’ve got to get at me now before I’m unaccessible. Really! Don’t they know how easy it is to follow someone on Instagram? Anyway, it just makes these meet-ups even better! I love seeing you outside of our monthly gatherings.”

Akashi smiled wanly. “The feeling is mutual, Kise. I’m only sorry that Aomine had an emergency shift and couldn’t come with us.”

“I texted you today, not him!” Kise slurped another loud gulp from his coffee. He might think him clairvoyant, but the reality was Akashi had seen the text on Kise’s phone when the boy went to fetch their coffees at the counter and Kise was so unguarded that he had not limited message previews. It was any miracle that the two of them thought their trysts were a secret. “Anyway, I got chewed out by him, speaking of which...I apologized to Midorima for airing out his family drama in public, but I think he’s still mad at me...it’s not my fault my brain makes me talk before I think! I know it’s been like...a week...but I just want to make sure he’s not holding a grudge against me. Do you know if he’s still mad?”

“How would I know? I don’t see him every day.”

“Aww, I thought you guys were super close! I mean, you guys were attached at the hip in middle school that we thought you two were definitely--uh, well, I guess if Kuroko said he’s not mad, then he’s not mad.” Kise began texting, distracted.

“I didn’t know he and Kuroko were close.”

“Oh, yeah, right? Like, you’d think that Midorima was the type that if he was in the same group as you, he’d pretend he didn’t know you or something. Kuroko and Aomine, that’s a friendship that makes sense. If anything, they shit-talk Kagami since he’s not in Japan to defend himself! But yeah, apparently he and Kuroko are in some kind of reading club...book club...something like that together. I thought Kuroko didn’t really like him, but they talk about literature or whatever.”

“So what did you all say about me and Midorima in middle school?”

Kise’s fingers stopped moving across his phone’s screen. He looked up, shamed at being caught after lowering his guard and thinking that his slip had gone unnoticed. “Uh...okay, it was years ago. You can’t blame us! And....uh, I don’t remember who started it but...we thought you two were an item or something! You guys were so close and always talking and going off together...I think even a rock or something dumb would have thought something about it.”

Akashi drank from his coffee too fast, the sound too loud against his ears and he cleared his throat to rid the burning sensation. That would smart for a few hours. Kise was staring at him now. “An item...the team thought we were dating?”

“At least! I said at least one of you would think just fooling around was improper or...something like that. I think Aomine said that? I just agreed with him-yeah, I think that’s what he said.”

“We were not dating.”

“I mean, duh! Of course not. That’s hilarious. That would be as wild as saying me and Aomine were dating just because we get along and hang out on the weekends. I mean, could you believe?” Kise laughed. “Anyway, more importantly...he’s doing okay, right? He brushed it off but...I mean, you guys go to private schools. That can’t be cheap.”

“I believe he’s got some kind of funding from the school; a scholarship, I think it was.”

“Oh yeah. Like Murasakibara, huh? Culinary school’s got to be super expensive too since it’s so specialized, but I bet Momoi is eating like a goddess! But I guess Midorima could get a job too, if he doesn’t already have one already. But...he was supposed to work at his parents’ company after he graduated, right? Now what? It’s a little late in the job hunting season, isn’t it? Aomine was saying he was looking since last year. So that’s why I was worried for Midorima! I mean, I couldn’t see him working in retail or at a fast food joint or...well...you know. The oldest profession…”

“Farming?” Akashi asked.

“No!” Kise looked around before lowering his voice. “Prostitution!”

Akashi was completely still before bursting out in laughter. “Please don’t say things like that, Kise. You know I’m terrible with jokes. Prostitution is illegal in Japan. I don’t think Midorima would do anything like breaking the law, even to make a living. He’s too ethical for that.”

“Okay, sure, maybe he isn’t selling his body on the corner. But there are other forms of sex work too. He could probably get a sugar daddy. His weird quirks might be endearing to some old dude. He might not be religiously devoted to astrology anymore, but I feel like people of a certain age in Japan like youths who are orderly and remind them of the Heian period or something. Right?”

“A sugar daddy...Kise, how many older men with money to spend on twenty-somethings exist in Japan? Do you think it’s so easy to just find someone who wants to sponsor someone without even a college degree?”

“You’re not taking me seriously.” Kise puffed out his cheeks, but he deflated and shrugged. “You’re right, though. I can’t imagine Midorima charming up a rich old guy anyway. He’d much sooner get a job checking each grain of rice for quality assurance at a grocery store before he’d say any flirty words to anyone.”

On the way home, Akashi thought back to Kise’s sugar daddy conspiracy. He was tired if he was entertaining such frivolous things like that...but paid dating was not something totally unusual in this day and age. There was a girl in his seminar who was known to be an escort to fancy events. He’d known about these sort of businesses; after his mother had died, his father had dreaded the sympathetic gazes of his peers and had hired a few women to hang off his arm to give an air of normalcy. His father had never touched these women beyond what was necessary, and one of them had even given Akashi chocolate. Midorima as a host was also an amazing thought; tugging on an itchy collar of a gaudy suit, speaking flowery language - the thought made Akashi laugh.

As he was taking his shoes off, Akashi noticed another pair of shoes at the step. On his way to his room, he ran into his father and Midorima coming from the direction of his father’s personal office.

“Seijuro,” Masaomi said, beaming. “I was just about to offer some peaches to Midorima; you know, the ones your grandmother sent. Go and cut some up now; I want to take a step out and take a call quickly.” He had a lighter in one hand and his cell phone in the other. Midorima nodded as Akashi.

“Of course, father.” Midorima followed him to the kitchen and sat at the table as Akashi washed two peaches and brought a knife over from the drawer. “Again, you’re here completely unannounced. You’ve got tell me when you’re paying us a visit.”

“Not completely unannounced. I had an appointment with your father.” Akashi started to peel a peach and Midorima stopped him. “There’s no need to do that. I don’t mind peach skin.” He took the fruit from Akashi’s hand, rubbed a spot, and bit in, his teeth breaking the delicate papery peel. The juice made his mouth wet, his lips the same shade as the hue of pink against his chin.

How many men in Japan existed rich enough to be a young, twenty-something’s patron? Akashi Masaomi was one of the country’s top businessmen, and he was a single, eligible bachelor.

“Midorima,” Akashi blurted. “Are you...free? On Fridays? It’s been forever and a day that we’ve played a game of shogi. We used to do that so often during...during middle school.”

Midorima licked his lips and reached for a napkin from the holder at the end of the table. “I have seminar until seven. But I am free most Fridays, if that’s what you’re asking. Are you suggesting we meet up to play shogi?”

Somehow he felt like he had lost control of the conversation. A whole childhood of learning composure and steering negotiations, and his father would be so disappointed. “Things are changing so much nowadays; we’ll be graduating soon and all. Isn’t it-isn’t it comforting to do things that are familiar, that remind you of a simpler time?” He was turning red, he could feel the heat in his face. He hoped his father’s phone call was taking its sweet time.

Midorima finished sucking the juice from the peach pit and put it on his damp napkin. “It has been a while since I’ve played,” he said finally. “And I’m sure university has taken up much of your time as well...perhaps I’ll find a victory in my lap. Okay, let’s do it.”

[=]

Two sessions of shogi later, and Akashi thought he had perfected his poker face. It had made his stomach turn, knots and somersaults at first at the idea that Midorima was in a sugar baby situation with his father. They were discreet; he no longer stumbled upon Midorima at his house, but after a second time of being caught, he was certain his father decided to change locations. All for the better - out of sight, out of mind. Akashi nodded to himself, flipping through a human resources reference book to pass the time and occupy his hands. This was a convenient bookstore near the little coffee nook Midorima had proposed for their shogi get-togethers. Anyway, whatever Midorima did in his own time was his own business; hadn’t he said before that his personal problems were not of his concern? They might have been friends once, close friends in middle school, but that was only the reality of adulthood. At a certain point, one became autonomous, living independently of one’s peers. After all, it wasn’t like Midorima was on a fast track to becoming his other dad or something ludicrous like that. Surely, if Midorima was interested in romance or something like that, he could easily pursue it.

Confident in his conclusions, Akashi placed the book back on the shelf. It was almost time for Midorima to arrive, and he wanted to take some moments to plan out his strategy. Midorima played a little differently than he did in middle school, still cautious, but more daring and willing to make sacrifices. Akashi did not play as often, that was true, but he still perused how the professionals played in public games. As he made his way to the door, passing the cashier counter, he spotted Midorima with Kuroko, standing shoulder to shoulder in front of a pile of books.

“There is no way I’m going to be able to carry all these,” Kuroko was saying, frowning slightly. “Of all days for one of the straps of my bag to break...I hate carrying books on the train...but I’m afraid that if I don’t buy them now, I’ll have to wait a few weeks for new copies to come in…”

“Don’t be so obtuse. You know you’ll see me later tonight; let me take some of your books. You just need to ask.”

“So...shall I wrap all these up?” the cashier asked slowly.

“You are a godsend, Midorima,” Kuroko said.

“As usual, I’m picking up after you.” Midorima began taking the books out of Kuroko’s hand, his hands closing over the shorter boy’s knuckles.

“Midorima,” Akashi called, walking over. “So you were here already. What a coincidence.”

Kuroko turned and looked at him. “Oh. You were meeting Akashi today?”

“Yes, but don’t worry. I won’t be late.”

“That’s a lot of books,” Akashi commented. He was speaking unfiltered, everything that came into his mind. What a mundane observation to make! Kuroko watched as Midorima placed the majority of books in his bag. “Are you sure you’ll be alright? Carrying all of those around, with me and after we’re done.”

“It’s honestly not a problem,” Midorima said. “I’ll see you tonight then, Kuroko.”

“Sure. Good to see you, Akashi.” Without another word or glance behind, Kuroko left the bookstore.

Midorima grunted, sliding his bag into the booth in the back of the coffee shop. They had more or less established the back area as their Friday haunt, quiet enough to hear themselves think. There were less of the cutesy little planters and light fixtures, so the younger crowd preferred to remain in the front. “I’m sorry, Akashi. I might need to leave early to drop off my things and take these books to Kuroko. I really can’t be late; I’ve been late for our meetings the past two times and it’s not looking good on my image.”

“Not a problem,” Akashi echoed. He laid out the shogi pieces on the board, the snap of the wood on wood making his hair stand on end. “Twenty-thousand.”

Midorima blinked at him. “Twenty-thousand...what?”

“Yen. I’ll give you twenty-thousand yen for this meeting. And...oh, it’s been two times since we’ve met before too, right? I’ll pay retroactively too.”

Midorima began shaking his head slowly. “Akashi...what’s this about? What are you talking about? Why are you bringing this up?” When Akashi didn’t respond, he blew out a breath. “Look...I know all of you are walking on eggshells about my family’s company...but honestly, I think it was the right time. My father’s told me much of the company’s strategy and our outlook for the next few years, and in my opinion, it was time for us to move on. We were outgrowing the market and it was time for an upgrade. I hardly think my father will retire now and live out the rest of his days in our living room. He’s already looking at our next venture...and I thank you all for your concerns, but I’m doing fine myself. I should have told you before, but I’ve secured a position and I’ll be set by graduation…”

“How can you call it that? This is what I mean. I can give you what my father’s been giving you, so you don’t need to do that. You don’t need to have that keep you from spending time with Kuroko, if he’s who you want. If it’s money, I’ve got more than enough of it.”

“Akashi, I don’t need or want your money.”

“Then how can I keep you spending time with me? What do I have to do to have you look at me?” This was embarrassing, and it was his saving grace that the coffee shop played a variety of music, loudly, that had irritated him the first time they had come. He couldn’t bear to look Midorima in the eyes. He was burning the lines of the shogi board into his eyes.

Midorima was silent across the table. “You don’t need to give me money for me to want to spend time with you, Akashi.” He reached over, coming short of touching Akashi on the arm, setting his hand across the table. “You’re seriously confusing me. What on earth are you talking about? What’s this about your father? I told him not to tell you about me taking a job with your company. I wanted to show him that I’m capable and I’ve earned this degree without you putting in a good word for me, like I know you’d feel compelled to do. I thought he was pleased by my performance on his practice cases. Did you say something to him?”

Akashi heard all this, understood it, and processed it, but he opened his mouth and said, “But you’re my father’s sugar baby.”

There was another long silence. “Sugar baby?” Midorima withdrew his hand and brought it to his face. “Who gave you that idea? You really thought all this time I’ve been...sleeping with your father?”

“Then...you’re not sleeping with Kuroko either?”

In spite of himself, Midorima laughed. “Kuroko? No, I’m not. We’re in a Reading Group together. We usually meet Saturdays and the girl in charge wants to do an early morning session to match an early morning meditation scene in the book we’ve read. We’re meeting in a park closest to Kuroko’s place, so I was planning on sleeping over so we could head over tomorrow morning. And I was planning on just sleeping on his couch, nothing else.” Another short laugh left his lips. “I’m sorry, but the reality isn’t as exciting as in your simulations. I suppose you’re right that things really are changing as we’re getting older that you didn’t immediately come to me with your thoughts and speak your mind the moment you suspected something.”

Akashi began sweeping the shogi pieces back in the travel container. “I just remembered - something’s come up, I’m afraid I must be going.”

But Midorima reached out again and grasped his wrist, gently without pressure. “Wait.” His hand was hot, heat that his father did not know and that Kuroko did not know either. “As fantastical as half of that was...was that a confession? Do you want me to spend more time with you, even without the excuse of shogi? We’ve both been busy for graduation - but things will be different once we’re working.”

Agreeing would be too much of a direct concession. “The others have been thinking there was something going on between us since middle school.”

Midorima’s hand squeezed. “Then we can put some truth to those speculations.”

[notesfromthefielddesk]

Episode 2 - E.E. Evans Pritchard

Episode link - https://open.spotify.com/episode/0LqJQ1q2kv5utkoct7V8Cg?si=485ef5c24837440e

John

I’m looking out over the plains of what was once Nuerland. The heavy clay earth is broken apart by the relentless sun. Deep cracks and the threaded depressions of rivers which rarely fill, even in the rainy season, are the only features on the dead flat, almost alien landscape. Around me cattle rest on the slightly (We hear gentle mooing) elevated sandy spot I found for my desk. From here I can see clear to the horizon where I spot sporadic patches of trees but all other greenery has browned and died back months ago. What these cows are living off is beyond me.

In years past the sodden clay retained water allowing certain plants to survive through the dry months. When the rain came this whole plain would be covered in grass reaching over my head as I sit behind my desk. Near the rivers edge they’d reach up to my shoulders even when standing. The rivers would fill then overflow making the whole plain a marshy swamp. At times like those this sandy mound would be prime real-estate and i’d be sharing space with far more cows.

Nowadays, this is South Sudan. The rainy season has become more sporadic and unpredictable. Often the relief of rains arrival is followed - shortly - by overwhelming flooding. Right now people are still waiting on that rain.

(we hear the wind starting to pick up)

The wind is picking up. A cloud of dust is rising on the plain. The horizon, with it’s sporadic trees and the cracked earth disappear from view behind a wall of air thick with clay. I can see about two cows away. Out of the dust emerges a figure. They’re walking towards me.

This is notes from the field desk.

Theme

oh! you. Look after what you told me in Papua new guinea I don’t think we should be talking. What are you doing here anyway? -

what do you mean am I following you? I am here by chance. My flight back to London from Brisbane got diverted because of technical fault with the plane and we landed in Juba. So there is no way I could have followed you here. If anything you’re probably followed me!

(sigh) Fine, I suppose there is no harm in you sitting here. There’s a tree stump just there you can listen to me record if you want. That is if you’re not busy organising a coup or whatever.

Anyway, when we got grounded in Juba I had a look through my collection. Oh, I should explain, I travel with a trunk of the one hundred most influential ethnographies, that’s what we call the books anthropologists write.

Side note, I never thought the trunk would be a problem, in all these Ethnographies they talk about getting porters to carry all their stuff, but when I asked at the airport for a porter, they just laughed at me?

Anyway, we were grounded a while before they cancelled the flight. So I had a look and it turns out another anthropological founding father did research in South Sudan. E.E.Evans-Pritchard. Or as I call him EEEE Pritchard. Okay well look, I don’t even want you to find my jokes funny so you just sit there rolling your eyes all you want.

Evans-Pritchard was a student of Malinowski at LSE and in the late 1920’s he set out for what was then Anglo-Egyptian Sudan. He wrote a couple of Ethnographies about the Azande which mostly focused on magic, kind of an obsession with early anthropologists. Then he headed south in 1930 to do research on the Nuer, which focused mostly on politics. A good hard subject we can get our teeth into! Anglo-Egyptian Sudan came Sudan in 1956, then split into the mostly Muslim North and mostly Christian South in 2011. Then in 2021 I arrived to do some peer-reviewing. I’m hoping Evan’s Pritchard is a bit less of a controversial figure so my students will get off my back.

(phone rings) ignore that, i’m ignoring, that’s nothing.

(Clearly still flustered) Okay, last time, we talked about the two sides of anthropology, the field and the desk. If Malinowski represents the innovation of field, you know participating in society, going native, spending years in the field. Then Evans-Pritchard is the OG anthropologist who developed the desk. Anthropology trades on being able to create a sense of being there through vivd description, where Malinowski could be a bit stiff and scientific Evans-Pritchard had a bit of flare with his flowing prose.

Is that cow looking at me? That one there with huge horns. I swear to god it’s looking at me.

Anyway, EP, I like calling him EP when I do he feels like a friend. (clear throat) He made drawings, he took tonnes of pictures, he described the plains, some of his diary crept into the ethnography. No racism as far as I could tell but He talks about being frustrated, he shows his work. A move towards modern anthropology. So reading his The Nuer, which is the ethnography he wrote about this region, is really like the experience of being here. Way less of a slog than boring old Malinowski.

(Email Chime)

Ohh an email, do you mind if I just check this? I just got assigned a student whose thesis i’m supervising. Very exciting. Shaping the next generation of anthropologists and all that.

okay, here we go.

“Dear Professor Johnson”

Not a professor but i’m quite pleased with that.

“I discussed briefly with Susan, uh-huh, during the introduction lecture that I’d be interested in researching the club scene, queer identity and youth in London. I’ve been reading tony Adams and Stacy Holman Jones on Auto-ethnography and that’s inspired me to try it myself. If you could point me in the direction of some readings to get myself started with.

All the best,”

I’ll leave their name out of it, bit of privacy. Hmm well i’m not sure about that. I mean really ethnography should be done in a rural place, not the city, should they even be doing research in the UK? This is anthropology not sociology. Plus auto-ethnography? I’ve never heard of it but we’re supposed to be studying the other not ourselves, this isn’t psychology. Hmm well I need to think about a reply, don’t want to stamp on the young fellows aspirations but he needs setting straight.

What is that cow doing. Is it - it’s coming over here isn’t it. Shoo, shoo! it’s licking me. Do something don’t just laugh. No do not nibble my suit! Argh. This suit cost a lot of money cow! Get off me. Shoo. Fine, i’m getting up. it’s your desk now!

Go on get out of here!

You know what happens now because you wouldn’t help me? We’re going to talk about theory. Yes groan away, there isn’t even a sea for you to paddle in this time so I guess you’ll just have to sit down there with the cows and listen.

This book actually is mostly about cows. All three hundred pages of it, I don’t think there is a single sentence that doesn’t mention cows or cattle or I don’t know bovine. I mean I like cows as much as the next englishman but it’s not exactly thrilling. But in fairness to Evans-Pritchard the Nuer didn’t exactly give him a choice. He said that

“whatever subject I would start on, and approaching it from whatever angle, we would soon be speaking of cows and oxen, heifers and steers, rams and sheep, hegoats and she-goats, calves and lambs and kids.”

Basically the Nuer loved cows. He said this fact was the underlying structure of Nuer society. So everything in Nuer society comes back to cows. Love, war, religion, politics, it was all about cows.

Our boy EP is a structural functionalist, - look the terms are important so just get used to it - meaning he thought there are underlying structures to all societies, that cause us to behave in a certain ways. Where Malinowski and functionalism thought post hoc ergo propter hoc - I can see you rolling your eyes, sometimes latin is useful! (deep sigh) Fine, i’ll explain it another way.

Malinowski would say the Nuer like cows because they give them milk - our boy EP would say okay but why love cows instead of say… soy beans which can also give you milk. It’s because the conditions the land in which the Nuer live aren’t good for growing soy beans, but they are good for raising cattle.

What would be a good comparison. Okay, Malinowski would say you like your iPhone because it gives you messages from friends. Those messages make you feel nice, so it fills a need. And EP might say, yes that’s true but it’s also possible that you like the phone because the underlying structure of Western society values objects especially expensive ones. Or else you’d have a nokia 3310. It still fills the same function but EP aims to explain why people choose one thing over another. If you’re a quote fan here is how Evans-Pritchard put it.

“Although the Nuer have a mixed pastoral-horticultural economy their country is more suitable for cattle husbandry than for horticulture, so that the environmental bias coincides with the bias of their interest and does not encourage a change in the balance in favour of horticulture.”

Oh there is a guy over there! (Shouting) Hey! Hey sir! Sir! Who do these cows belong to? Sir? (Biggish pause) (Snort in distance) He’s gone. Well I didn’t have time to chat anyway, i’ve got a tutorial. Just keep that cow away from me while I’m teaching. I doubt you care but here’s a Nuer song that Evans Pritchard translated.

Extract

The wind blows wira wira;

Where does it blow to?

It blows to the river. The shorthorn carries its full udder to the pastures;'

Let her be milked by Nyagaak;

My belly will be filled with milk. Thou pride of Nyawal,

Ever-quarrelling Rolnyang.

This country is overrun by strangers;

They throw our ornaments into the river;

They draw their water from the bank.

Blackhair my sister,

I am bewildered.

Blackhair my sister,

I am bewildered.

We are perplexed;

We gaze at the stars of God.

White ox good is my mother

And we the people of my sister. The people of Nyariau Bui.

As my black-rumped white ox. When I went to court the winsome lassie,

I am not a man whom girls refuse. We court girls by stealth in the night,

I and Kwejok Nyadeang.

We brought the ox across the river,

I and Kirj oak

And the son of my mother's sister Buth Gutjaak.

Friend, great ox of the spreading horns,

Which ever bellows amid the herd. Ox of the son.

Return from tutorial

You let the cows eat my notes!? I thought I said watch the cows! What happened? Was it that same cow again? What do you mean they all look the same, the one with the evil eyes!

Okay, so it seems like I missed some things again. The students pointed out that on page one of the preface, I might have skipped the preface, says “My study of the Nuer was undertaken at the request of, and was mainly financed by, the Government of the Anglo-Egyptian Sudan.” Which means the colonial government most likely paid for him to do the research because they wanted to control the Nuer. He describes them as violent willing to go to war over cattle at the drop of a hat. In text he says;

“At the present time cattle are the main cause of hostility

towards, and suspicion of, the Government, not so much on

account of present taxation as of earlier tax-gathering patrols

which were little more than cattle raids and of the avowedly

plundering expeditions of the Egyptian Government era that

preceded them.”

The students pointed out that given theat the government violently took their property, it was kind of understandable that the Nuer were angry. Again, if he was there trying to collect information so the colonial officers could control them, can we trust his findings?

During the second world war he used his ethnographic relationships to recruit Sudanese troops who he then led in Guerrilla warfare against the Italians. I said that sounds pretty cool right? Which made them angry, academic knowledge shouldn’t be used as a weapon to manipulate people into fighting in a war, which, regardless of the outcome would leave them colonised. They asked why we were spending so much time focussing on old men.

(Phone rings) Ignore that!

Pause takes a breath

I said fine, but we have to cover foundational figures who would they rather cover? What about Boas? He thought races were biological different and with some inferior to others. Ruth Benedict? They say she wrote a book for the US army in the Second World War about how to defeat the Japanese based on their culture without ever setting foot in Japan. Fine, Margret Mead? Exoticised the sex lives of Samoans and thought they were primitive.

I’m taking off this jacket it’s so hot and it’s got cow slobber all over the shoulder.

Well if all of them were racist then let’s just pack the whole thing in! They said I wasn’t understanding. I was thinking about racism as an individual failing caused by ignorance. But they weren’t ignorant, their racism was a product of society. In that way Evans-Pritchard was right. They lived during colonialism and the rise of the nation state. Which meant Nations had to justify their difference from others and their superiority over others.

People had to have a reason to believe in “Being British” rather than French or Sudanese. Or why would you think it was okay to rule them? Or to enforce boarders?  These ideas of superiority and difference permeated the early anthropologists the same way the utility of cow herding led to the Nuer loving cattle. So everyone from that era was bound to be Colonialist.

They also said It doesn’t help that doing fieldwork confirms the differences between people. My head felt like it was going to explode. Still trying to figure it all out and it doesn’t help that that cow is still looking at me. I asked where they were getting all this from? Lentin and Visweswaren they said, apparently it’s on the reading list… I haven’t read the reading list.

(Phone rings once but he immediately hangs it up)

So, they said maybe next we could talk about Talal Asad. Apparently he is an anti-colonial ethnographer or something. I said fine whatever. They seem to know more than me anyway. Maybe we shouldn’t do fieldwork, maybe we should all do auto-ethnography. My students said maybe, but we still need to pay attention because racism hasn’t gone away, it’s still in our society. Which means we still might make arguments for it in our work unless we’re careful.

I guess before I do field work I should look at what the underlying structures of Britain are effecting my thinking. Not just my assumptions like I thought with Malinowski but what it means for a British person to turn up at a former colony. What does that act mean even before I start interacting with people.

I know that sounds like the same conclusion as episode one but my students assure me it’s subtly different. My head hurts, let’s go.

Nah leave the desk I’ll just get another.

Theme

This was notes from the field desk written by me James McGrail.  

This episode references

Evans-Pritchard, E.E., The Nuer, 1940, Clarendon Press, Oxford.

Lentin, A. (2004). Racial states, anti-racist responses. Picking holes in 'Culture' and 'Human Rights'. European Journal of Social Theory 7(4): 427-443.

Pocock, D. (1975). Sir Edward Evans-Pritchard 1902–1973: An appreciation. Africa, 45(3)

Visweswaran, Kamala (1998) Race and the Culture of Anthropology, American Anthropologist 100/1: 70-83.

Theme ends

Susan

Do you think I’m stupid? You think I believe your flight got diverted to South Sudan? South Sudan? Oh and it just so happens that it’s thematically appropriate for your little podcast? Get back to London. Now. We need to have a serious conversation.

https://freesound.org/people/Mystikuum/sounds/401636/

https://freesound.org/people/JarredGibb/sounds/233143/

https://freesound.org/people/selcukartut/sounds/504882/

https://freesound.org/people/felix.blume/sounds/187756/

https://freesound.org/people/darrinsmith/sounds/274434/

https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/405561/

https://freesound.org/people/t-man95/sounds/553265/

[violetbeachpod]

TRANSCRIPT: 1x03 - Moments of Mystery

it’s me again. here’s a third transcript. i love writing benji the very most. thank you.

BENJI:

Hey, everyone, it’s Benji here to guide you through another moment of mystery. That’s catchy, I think. Teresa shut it down when I put it in the group chat, but. I like it. And Elaine liked it. Nobody else did, but only Teresa shut it down. But I like it! It’s alliterative, and it’s catchy. See, you gotta sell shit with a title, like--a title is a mini-thesis, right? Your mission statement in, uh, I’d argue seven words or less, cuz after that, you’re getting too niche. 

Like you’re some kinda whiny sellout pop-punk band, or a tortured academic who can’t come up with any substance for their dissertation so instead they’re writing their entire life story on the title page after a colon, or somewhere on the spectrum between the two. And there is a spectrum, I think, and it does not include every single type of person. I think, in the middle, we have white PTA moms and also maybe me back in high school.

So. Moments of mystery. Now, listeners, I’m a self-proclaimed expert on weird shit. And I (maybe legally?) have to say self-proclaimed, cuz I have had some people email into my podcast that are pissed off about my lack of certification in the field. Because apparently, these days, we don’t trust non-degree-granted expertise. Hmph. Trust me, I’m working on it, though. I’m super working on it. Not sure if the university offers a cryptozoology/paranormal investigations program, but, hey, if they need a guy to start one? They know my name. And my number. And my email. And my address. Cuz I’m an alum. And also because I’ve emailed, called, and mailed them about this. Many times. I think the dean blocked my number? Which I might put on my resume, frankly, cuz the dean’s a dick and if he blocked me, I think I should consider that an honor.

So, anyway, as a self-proclaimed expert, I got this whole thing down. I can and I will. Weird mists? Absolutely. Moon-related prophecies? I got you. Specters and apparitions and what have you? Hell yeah. If there’s something strange--you get the gist. Call me. I got you. Moments of goddamn mystery. It’s a good title!

Now, though, let’s get to the point. What you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, everybody, it’s time for updates on the weird stuff. We’ll get to theories, later, I just wanna get all the facts out there first.

First off: Benji Life Update, which is to say, uh, Danny and I are over, now. Unfortunately. It was mutual. So, I guess, no tape-clearance for Danny anymore. Sorry for those who made their tapes before me, who may have made their statements with Danny’s clearance in mind. It’s done. That part of my life is behind me. It was fun while it lasted, but, hey. All good things come to an end, right?

Second off: Time loop update. I refuse to call it Groundhog Daying like the others keep using in the group chat because fuck Bill Murray, but. Regardless. Time loop update. No new time loops! But yes new explanation as to what happened in the original timeline versus the real timeline. I’m not gonna get into semantics, here, but we are gonna call the day that got redone Timeline Prime. Like--the first time we did that day. Is Timeline Prime. The Primeline? Who knows. And the second one is Our Unfortunate Reality. So, anyway, in the Primeline, I opened the shop, and in Our Unfortunate Reality, Teresa did. Which made her miss her classes, and made me sleep through my alarm to drive out to Ainsley and pick up the merch deliveries. And, in the--

[Static]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle.

[BENJI]

BENJI:

So, anyway, uh. Basically, I should maybe fire myself? But considering that it’s my store, and I like to use the label ‘local business owner’ to introduce myself to people, I won’t. Ah, shit looks like my audio--my audio got rough, there. I’ll. I’ll check it back later. Sorry, listeners.

Speaking of the store, though, we have a new customer! Which, that’s not rare, necessarily, but we’re pretty reliant on our regulars. New people are always college students, right? But this person, he’s, like, fifty. Completely unremarkable. He keeps coming in, staring at the wall, and then leaving. One time, he took one of the complimentary temp tattoos that we give kids, so I guess he has kids? But he never says hi, never engages--he just. He stares. And I’m not here to judge, but, time-loop shit aside, I run a pretty tight ship, and, uh. I like to think of myself as somebody who knows everybody. Because, for the most part, I do.

So, like, it’s weird, right? Like--he doesn’t do anything, and, again, like. I don’t wanna judge, but--the thing is, I can’t remember a thing about this dude’s face. Just--he’s so, so boring. White dude, uh, average--pretty average height. No discernable features. And he--he spoke to me, once, and his voice sounded like it was through a dozen filters.

He said--uh. Shit. What did he say?

He said, uh.

Well. That’s noteworthy.

Anyway, his weird voice, and his, uh, his blandness, is a good segue into my personal favorite of the segments I’ve outlined. Which is to say, it’s Alien Time. Needs a catchier name, but. Oh well. That’s for later. It’ll come to me. Extraterrestrial Corner? Spaceman Zone?

So, here’s what we got, re colon the alien theory, and, look, I know some of you are sick of it. I know. But listen, Teresa keeps getting messages from her shadow-self or whatever about the moon, which is in space, and, hey, where are aliens from? That’s right. It’s space.

I sound batshit, which, fine, whatever, cool, great, but. Still.

And then, there are these creepy-ass people with entirely unremarkable faces. Which, again, not judging. I promise. But that I can’t remember anything that my guy said, even though I can remember his, like, cadence, or--that’s creepy. That’s paranormal. And that his voice was layered? That’s mega creepy.

See You Invader? As a title for this segment? It has some level of cleverness to it, I think.

Maybe? Vote now on your phones. Please. I’m--y’know, I’m sticking with it, I like it.

And then the school board that threw Char out of her speech thing. Those were--those were also kindq weird. And they seem similar to my experience.

But that she’s seen them before, that’s where it gets me, cuz you’d think, what with the, uh, what with the purple flashing sky and all, that, uh. That said aliens would have only shown up on New Years. But, see, that takes me to the idea that it’s been more of a slowburn, and that the Corielli board is, like, scouts, or something. That the big guys--which is to say, Teresa’s weird apparition lady, my new customer, those are the Big Bads. So, what does that mean about structure? Well, I’m glad you asked. See--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence. Coincidence.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

So, in conclusion? Second moon maybe, aliens definitely, and ghosts very much so. Thank you.

So, next point, which is a question, rather than a point. Why us? Why the seven of us? Look, I get it, seven is a very literary number. If I were ghost aliens, which I am not, I would definitely go with three or seven people to fuck with. But are they fucking with us, or is there meaning behind it all?

So, uh. We all kind of knew each other? I guess? I was Facebook friends with Elaine, just cuz, as Robin’s honorary Alive Dad, I will be walking her down the aisle at their wedding, meaning there were only two connections to Elaine total, but everybody else at least sort of knew everybody else. And maybe it was the fireworks? Because Simon sold them to me out of his truck near the barber shop and told me to stay quiet about them. Though, also? They were probably illegal, so--

You get it. I know there are easier ways to get fireworks, but his are always so fucking cool and I wanted to feel proud in my pyrotechnic skills. But, hey, win some lose some, right? Right?

Or. No. I guess.

But. It can’t just be--in a situation this weird, it can’t be completely random that it was the seven of us, y’know? There’s gotta be the Big Prophecy, or the--the secret powers, or one of those things. The force that drew us all to that party at three AM, after everybody was already gone, the force that’s drawing us together. There’s gotta be something that brings this all together, that adds some kinda coherency, like--

I know that I shouldn’t expect storylines from life. That I’m--I’m not the main character in some story, that there aren’t cliffhangers or plot twists in this reality, but this reality feels like a comic book right now. So, yeah, I am waiting for Galactus to show up, or something. For some goddamned continuity, for something to click into place.

And that’s shitty of me, because nothing else has ever worked like that, so, uh, why should real-life-aliens work out like that? That’s pretty presumptuous of me. But, look. Listen.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a Mulder or a Dale Cooper or a Ripley or any given Rick Moranis character, and now--now I’m none of those. But this sorta thing, it gives me a chance, y’know? It--these are my monsters of the week, this is my search for the sister, this is me living out what was never written for me, y’know? It’s--I’m in this goddamn narrative, and even if this isn’t a narrative, I’m gonna make it one. Because why not! I--I’m working on self-love everyday, like Doc Claremont said. She’s my therapist. You know. Gotta get those life skills in place. Constantly improving. Letting myself be myself. Hell yeah.

So here’s the plot, so far, then. Seven outcasts--we’re all pretty outcast, I’d argue--stand alone on a beach, and, bam, flash of light, and bam, the world is dying, and then, darkness. Lost-style eye-zoom in, right, Michael Bay spin, and then we’re back on the beach. And then we get a coherent plot about time loops, and nothing else, because it is two-thousand-and-eighteen. And there are interwoven character webs, and interesting enough flashbacks, and--

And it makes sense. And it’s well-written, and it’s well drawn, and it has a really good cult fanbase that--you know. You get the gist.

Look, all I’m saying is that this doesn’t feel like it’s real, so why don’t we have fun with it? We’re seeing things that, as far as we know, no one else has seen before. We’re on the verge of something big, and. I don’t just feel it, I know it. In every corner of my mind, I’m sure of it. This is so important, this is--this is the most important thing I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot of important things, I think. At least a few of ‘em. I’m fairly accomplished. I can, uh, in the truly classic Sorkin-style, list my credentials, like--Graduated top of my class from Core--

[STATIC]

DISTORTED VOICE:

The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon. The Moon.

[STATIC]

BENJI:

--ran a five k without ever walking, and also without that much training, which is an accomplishment from a me perspective. And I got my scuba license last week based on a gut decision! I’m accomplished as hell.

Seriously, though, what’s going on with my audio? It’s like--it’s not even, like, weird feedback shit, it’s just, like. A weird test screen where there should be a solid two minutes of audio. Weird. Is--maybe I should get better software? I heard that this cheapass one wasn’t reliable, but I didn’t see this in any reviews or FAQs or whatever; I--

Hm.

[beat, typing]

Okay, a quick troubleshooting search, that’s not a thing! That’s--that’s genuinely not a thing that anyone’s reported before. I screenshotted, but, uh, the screenshot won’t load? So. Uh. I’m gonna check this out. So. Signing off. Need a sign off.

I hope to share another moment with you soon?

Yeah, it’s a shitty title.

Okay, until next time.

[fangirlingforbellarke]

The No Good, Very Bad Day

Prompt: “I’m on the verge of tears because of a rude customer and you step in and stand up for me” AU that no one asked for.

Or the one where Bellamy is getting yelled at by a customer, and Clarke is having none of it.

On AO3

There were some days Bellamy didn’t mind his job. He had some regulars that came in that were always good to him. There were always a couple of jerks sprinkled into his night, but Bellamy had been doing this long enough where he didn’t let it bother him. Besides, the fun tables usually always made up for the couple of douches he’d get.

He brought in an application after a couple weeks at college to help make some extra spending money. This place was usually busy during the dinner rush when he and his friends had gone, so he figured it’d be a great place to make a lot of tips. He only worked three nights a week to give himself plenty of time for studying. It was extremely part time.

He’d been telling himself for four years he needed to quit. But the tip money he made made every other part time job he could find not as appealing. He could make more in a few hours in just tips than some of his friends who were getting paid minimum wage for a 7 hour shift.

This job sucked his soul clean out of his body. The entitled, old customers complained the freshly made coffee wasn’t hot enough or that the food took too long to come out. Parents never tipped him to clean up after their messy toddlers that left a heaping pile of garbage on the floor that he couldn’t use a vacuum for since it was usually soggy food. The rowdy, drunk people came in and hit on him while he was at work and just being friendly because it was his job. People got mad when their expired coupons didn’t work, like it was his fault. Management was practically nonexistent and more often than not, they would schedule Bellamy on the days he wasn’t available.

There wasn’t a notebook big enough to fit all of Bellamy’s complaints. He told himself the money was worth it. He was saving up to move into a nice apartment on top of saving up money for his sister. Octavia was doing well in school and had joined several after school clubs and teams, which didn’t leave her a whole lot of time for studying anyway. A job was not going to help. Bellamy wanted her to have a normal high school life considering their childhood.

This is why he could put a smile on his face and go to work at a job he hated. It was worth it.

Today was not a good day for Bellamy. It started when he found out his bike was stolen out of his garage and since Octavia had the car, he had been forced to walk to class. It was only a few blocks to campus, but even so, he was late to class. After he apologized for being late, the professor didn’t seem to be that put off about his tardiness.

“Can I borrow your notes from what I’ve missed?” Bellamy whispered to the girl he usually sat next to.

She nodded, “I can stay behind after class. You didn’t miss very much.”

That was a relief. Bellamy turned back to the front of the class, taking out his notebook and a pen.

After gathering the notes from his classmate, Bellamy met up with his advisor to go over potential paid internships that would be most beneficial that could turn into full time, permanent jobs after the summer. They had found Bellamy’s perfect internship. It paid okay for an internship, wasn’t too far from where he lived, and it was in the Museum of Natural History where he would be giving lectures and helping out with miscellaneous things as needed. The hours were great. It was a dream come true.

If he got it.

Bellamy’s high was soon replaced with anxiety. There would be so many better qualified applicants than himself wanting the job. It’d be a miracle if he got it. He had decent grades, but there wasn’t a whole lot of experience on his resume to draw them in. His advisor gave him other potential opportunities that Bellamy also applied for, but his heart just wasn’t in it for the rest of them.

“Keep your head up,” his advisor told him with a smile, “You have a very good chance of getting accepted. You know I’ll give you a wonderful recommendation letter.”

Bellamy smiled appreciatively, wishing he felt as confident as his advisor apparently did. “That would be great.”

“We’ll probably find out in the next couple weeks. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.”

The library seemed as good a place as any to work on his thesis, but there were no open rooms. He managed to snag a table, but had to share with someone who had barely left any room for anyone else. Finding that the books he wanted were already checked out, Bellamy put in a request for them once they became available and worked on what he could without them. When he left for his next class, he hadn’t worked on much at all.

His last class got out much later than normal, causing Bellamy to be late for work. His boss, Malcolm, was having none of it, and told Bellamy if he had another tardy, he’d be let go. He’d been late one other time two years before when Octavia was sick and he had to run out for some medicine.

“Class ran longer than usual. It shouldn’t happen again,” Bellamy assured him.

“See that it doesn’t,” Malcolm nodded. “Oh, and I need you to come in at 11 tomorrow morning rather than at 4.” Malcolm, a small, plump man with an upturned nose and a frown perpetually frozen onto his face, turned back towards his computer, dismissing Bellamy.

Bellamy frowned, “Sir, that’s not in my availability. I have to work on my thesis, which is due at the end of the month.”

Without even glancing away from the computer, Malcolm replied, “I understand, but we all have responsibilities outside of work. When you took this job, you understood that you might have to help when we’re short staffed. There’s no one else we can ask.”

Bellamy swallowed a nasty retort and just nodded before he grabbed his apron off his boss’ desk and made his way back out to the front to clock in. He was not going to be getting much sleep this weekend, it seemed.

Determined not to let all the stress from his personal life affect his service that night, he put on his brightest smile and started his shift. Most of the night passed smoothly. His tables were all relatively polite and tipping well, and Bellamy was thankful something was going right that day.

But then table 5, a middle-aged couple, happened. They came in during the busiest part of the night. They started off easily enough. Bellamy brought them their drinks and put their food order in with the kitchen in perfect timing. The couple saw a booth closer to a TV they could still see from their current spot come open and just moved without saying anything. The table hadn’t even been cleaned off, yet. When Bellamy came back out from the back after running some food to other tables, he found his table deserted. It took him a minute to find them, upon which they complained about how long it took him to get over to them and requested he promptly clean the table.

Bellamy smiled and complied with their request with a forced smile. The table wasn’t in his section, but he would have to keep them. He grabbed a rag, cleaned off their table and assured them their food would be out shortly. He then went to find his manager to transfer tables. It took him awhile to find his manager outside smoking. After finally getting the table transferred, he went back out and saw the food was already delivered to their table.

Checking on the table, the couple said the food came out fine. Satisfied, Bellamy visited his other tables and made his rounds. By the time he got back to the trouble table, they were most of the way through their food.

“I’m sorry, but the food is too cold,” the woman told him with a shrug and a secret smile. There were about five bites of her chicken fried steak left.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Bellamy smiled apologetically. “Would you like me to take this into the back and have them reheat it for you?”

The woman shook her head. “No, that would take too long. We’ve waited long enough tonight, I think. We’ll just pay for our drinks and go.”

Surprised, Bellamy frowned, “I’m sorry, but you’ll need to pay for the food, too.” He wasn’t sure what she could be getting at.

“We are not paying for cold food, young man. You may think it’s okay to feed this to other people, but we don’t,” the woman told him frankly, as though there were no room for debate.

“Sorry, but if it was cold, why didn’t you say something at the beginning? I could have corrected the issue right away?” Bellamy knew he probably shouldn’t have said it, but he was having a bad day. He wasn’t about to let some sleazy people get away with not paying for food that was perfectly good.

“Excuse me? How dare you question me! The customer is always right. You do what we say. I’m sorry, but this service has been the worst I’ve ever experienced in my life. You’re slow, argumentative, and stupid. Not good qualities for a waiter,” the woman shook her head, exasperated. “I would like to speak with your manager.”

Bellamy was flabbergasted. Never had a customer ever talked to him like this before. Unwittingly, tears welled up in his eyes. Trying to blink them back, he kept telling himself he just had to get through a couple more hours and this horrible day would be over. Composing himself, he nodded and was about to turn to go get his manager to deal with this, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation over here,” a blonde haired woman cut in catching Bellamy by surprise. She was shorter than Bellamy by about half a foot. She had the most vibrant blue eyes he'd ever seen, and she had a mole above her lip. Bellamy thought she was beautiful but couldn't for the life of him figure out what she was doing, She was looking compassionately between Bellamy and the couple. “But is this person bothering you?”

She were looking directly at Bellamy as she asked that, but the woman thought she was speaking to her, “Yes, he is! I’m sure you’ve heard the whole thing. This server-”

His savior turned on the older woman, “This server has been busting his ass off for you and your husband the entire night. You moved to a dirty table without consulting your server and then had the audacity to act put off when it didn’t have it clean within seconds,” the girl started ticking off on her fingers all the reasons. “You lied about the food so you’d get it for free, and then you have the audacity to degrade this server in front of the entire restaurant when he can’t defend himself for fear of losing his job and expect me to side with you? No thanks.”

Bellamy didn’t know what to say. He was so surprised by this girl sticking up for him. Glancing up, he noticed most of this side of the restaurant watching them. Some of his coworkers had even stopped to watch how the event would unfold.

He was trying to figure out how to smooth this whole thing over when the woman said, “How dare you talk to me this way! Who do you think you are?” Bellamy kept waiting for the woman’s husband to speak up, but he actually looked ashamed, refusing to meet their eyes.

The girl shrugged, “I’m the one who will pay your tab. Not to reward you but just so you both will leave.” She stepped to the side and gestured towards the front of the building. The couple gave the girl and Bellamy a dirty look but got up and headed towards the front, pulling her husband along behind her. “If they do end up talking to your boss, you can blame me,” the girl said, smiling at Bellamy. She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and took out a credit card. “Here, put their tab on my card.”

Bellamy shook his head, “You don’t have to do that.”

She shrugged like it was no big deal, like she hadn’t just saved him. “I know, but I want to, and I can afford it.”

Bellamy took the card, cashed out the table, and made his way back to where the girl was sitting. She was sitting with three other boys in one of his coworkers’ sections. They seemed a pretty diverse bunch, which made Bellamy like them all the more.

“Here’s your card back. Thanks again. You really didn’t have to do that,” he told her with a small smile. She didn’t need to do it, but he was certainly glad she had.

She smiled up at him as she accepted her card and the receipts from him. “It was my pleasure.” She turned to sign the receipt, “I’m Clarke, by the way.” Finished, she handed the receipt back to him. Bellamy shoved it into his apron without looking at it. “These are my friends: Wells, Jasper, and Monty.” She pointed at each one in turn.

All three of them gave Bellamy a little wave but remained silent.

Bellamy nodded at them. “Well, thanks again. I better get back to my other tables. I owe you.”

“Maybe you’ll return the favor someday,” Clarke replied.

Bellamy turned and made his rounds with his tables. A couple even apologized to him for the rude table's behavior towards him, which he appreciated.

Finally, the night was winding down. As he was entering in his credit card tips into the computer, he found the one that Clarke had signed for him. He couldn’t believe it. Her number was written at the top with a smiley face. And she had given him a bigger tip than what the couple owed. He couldn’t believe it, but he entered in the amount in the computer and saved her number into his phone.

After he turned everything in and was checked out with his manager, he made his way out the back. Standing at the curb five feet in front of him was Clarke. She was talking to one of the guys from her table, the one she had introduced as Wells.

Wells caught sight of Bellamy first and nodded his head towards him in greeting, which caused Clarke to turn around. She smiled at him as though he was who she had been waiting for this whole time. What he wouldn’t give to see more of that smile.

“What are you still doing here?” he asked. “Don’t tell me you’ve been waiting this entire time?”

She shrugged again. She did that a lot. “There are some cool shops around here. We window shopped for a bit, too.”

“Well, I’ll leave you both to it. Hope your night looks up for you, Bellamy,” Wells said before he turned and walked down the sidewalk, probably home.

“Do you live in the area?” Bellamy asked.

“I live on campus of Arkadia,” she told him, blowing his mind. This girl went to the same school he did. How had he never seen her before?

“I go to Arkadia, too. How have I never seen you around before. What’s your major?” Bellamy asked.

“I’m Pre-Med. You?” she replied. Ah, two totally different majors, two totally different sides of campus.

“History major,” he told her.

“Nerd.”

He grinned at that but didn’t argue.

“Would it be weird if I say I knew you went to Arkadia, too? Monty has a huge crush on Nathan Miller, who I know you’re good friends with. And Monty recognized you and told me you lived off campus around here somewhere. So, I was hoping to walk you back to your place?” Her cheeks turned pink and she looked down, embarrassed.

Bellamy appreciated her boldness. “Not the weirdest thing that's happened to me today. I could use some pleasant company after the day I’ve had.” He turned and started down the sidewalk at an amicable pace, Clarke falling into step beside him.

“I hope that table didn’t ruin your entire day,” Clarke finally said.

“I could say I’m used to stuff like that, but that just sounds sad. Besides, there was this kickass girl who stepped in for me. She seemed pretty cool,” he said, a smirk pulling at his lips.

“She sounds awesome. Wish I could be as cool as her.”

“Why’d you leave me your number if you were just going to wait around?” Bellamy asked finally.

“A combination of anxiety and excitement,” she laughed.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here.” Bellamy assured her.

The walk to Bellamy’s house was over much too quickly. In no time at all, they found themselves on Bellamy’s porch. There was light emanating from inside, so Bellamy knew Octavia must be home. Silence descended on them as they stood on the porch. Bellamy debated asking to come in or to offer to hang out later.

“Would you want to go out tomorrow night?” Clarke suddenly asked.

Bellamy winced. “I can’t tomorrow.”

Uncertainty clouded Clarke’s eyes, “Oh.” She looked away, back down his driveway.

“Not that I don’t want to hang out. I just work again. But I’m free the next night. If that works for you?” he suggested.

She looked back at him, her lips turning up into another smile. “It’s a date. Text me the details, okay?”

“I will,” he nodded.

“Good. I can’t wait,” with that, Clarke turned and headed back down his driveway. She cast one more glance his way before she turned and walked out of sight.

Bellamy stared after her unable to stop smiling. Not that he’d even want to if given the choice.

[mamin-the-troll]

Tag game

Was tagged by @funkzpiel​ and @axilarts​ Thank you!! *hugs* (っ*´∀｀*)っ 1. Always post the rules.
 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you.
 3. Write 11 questions of your own.
 4. Tag 11 people.

it’s long… I can’t stop talking so I put everything under the cut!

FROM FUNKZPIEL

What is your favorite, weird comfort quirk?

I like holding stuff in my palm? Sometimes, I hold paper napkin, menthol salt or keys for hours. 

I keep textbook under my pillow the night before exams. 

I will dress extra nice when I need my luck. I won’t go to final exams or do final presentations look like death. I believe lady luck prefers me look nice XD

Tumblr Crush

Oh, currently my tumblr crush is you @funkzpiel​ because you are soooo sweet.

Beach or Mountains?

Mountains. I’ve already done with hot weather.

What’s one big fear you are trying to overcome?

I only have petty fears (my greatest fear is death of the love ones. I don’t think I could overcome it) but if I have to choose one maybe ‘afraid of the height’? I can’t stand too close to a window of 5 stories building let alone skyscraper. 

Favorite dream you’ve ever had?

Once, I dreamed that we went to dig potatoes at school yard then those potatoes turned out to be our grades lol

Do you believe in ghosts?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Currently no. 

Fanfic you would recommend to others/really touched you, etc.?

Hardest question! I like LOTS of fanfics I can’t really choose ; w ;;; to narrow things down I will only rec finished stories then….. 

Gramander:  -  The Case of the Missing Obscurus by manic_intent -  Basic Instincts by manic_intent -  Safe in Your Arms by pinchess07  -  The Graves Identity by Mishafied

Crewt:  - Fantastic Wizards and How to Woo Them by OreoCheesecake

There’re still lot of fanfics that I haven’t rec because it’s unfinished. I think I’m going to make special rec post later :)) (because damn, I love Funkzpiel’s  Little Blue Riding Newt and wanna go in details about it :D)

Fan Art that everyone needs to stop what they’re doing and look at?

Ahhh fanart! Lots of fbawtft artist I followed are in twitter ; w ;;;

Fukumochi : I enjoy their comic even if I can’t understand Japanese!

Daizu : I want their grindelnewt doujin damnit..

Namdong24 : I want their gramander doujin damnit..

Xuan : Look at their currently pinned tweet *is death*

Sayatsugu : THAT DOUJIN ON THEIR PINNED TWEET!!!

믽  : THEIR NEWT & HIS SMILE!!!! I DON’T HAVE TO SAY MORE

Could I extend the list into original art too.. because damn I have a lot of artists that I wanna share. (I’ll add their names here anyway lol)

Ofsparrows : Their gif is the best! It looks like you’re watching a wizard photo or something! I wish I could do something like this <3

Celine-kim : just click her link and look at her work. I don’t have to explain. LOOK AT HER PORTFOLIO http://www.celine-kim.com/ THE LIGHTING, SHADOW, COLOURS AND DETAILS. I’d die to have this much talent (kidding I don’t want to die yet) I LOVE CONCEPT ART and all of her port is my dream come true omg!

Vanessamakesthings : Her traditional art is absolutely beautiful. Ink, watercolour, pencils and etc. Her work is very easy to look at. Eyes pleasing <3

Peaheart : HIS WATERCOLOUR SKETCHBOOK!! How could he use watercolour like that *sobs* I thought watercolour is … watery but his works! *screaming*

Audreybenjaminsen : Definition of dark fantasy omg. Her pencil work! and heyyy she draw HP too! *happily death*

There’s a lot more but I should stop… sorry

Fanfic premise you wish someone would write, but haven’t seen yet?

Why I can’t think of any right now …. but I have secret soft spot for de-aged Newt story. 5+1 things about every characters looking after de-aged Newt would be really nice….

Dream house/job?

Dream house: Nice and warm with lots of loves. Have puppies/ kitties. Have hobby/crafting-corner :D 

Dream job: Routine job. Just let me go at 5 sharp. No overtimes. I have lots of other things to do :D

Something you’re really proud of (fandom-related or otherwise)?

Omg I’m the proudest person you can ever known >:3c

Fandom-related: 

I used to be a staff of a Comic Convention. The con purposed is to raise a money for helping those who have heart diseases. It’s a very nice and heartwarming con if I do say so myself!

I turned one of online friend into irl friend! We’ve been knowing each other for nearly 9 years now! She said that I’m her best friend! I’m soo proud <3

Look at my 8 years ago drawing and cringe. Best kind of cringe because it means I improve a lot!

Had someone said that my doujin-plot is the very best and it stunned them. They were looking forward to see next volume … which I didn’t continue lol

Non-fandom-related: 

I quit my old major/ faculty because I hate it even though I’d already spent 2 years there. It wasn’t easy to start anew. I’m so glad I did!

Going to finish my Master degree now! Yayyy

My prof. ask me if I want to publish my thesis in a journal! 

The list is going on and on XD

.

FROM AXILARTS

If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?

I rather like my both my given name and nickname! Both are quite unique <3 I wouldn’t change it but if it were too hard for a foreigner to pronounce then… might choose something similar. Nachisa for Japanese and Natasha for Western folks?

If you could live in one fictional universe what would it be?

HARRY POTTER HANDS DOWN!!!

What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?

LOTS…. ohhh I recalled 2 and both almost killed me. I can’t decide which is the dumbest though…

On my 6th year-old birthday, my older sister, cousins and I were having a party. After cake we decided to play a game. I don’t know what it’s called in English but the game is a lot like tag but ‘it’ has their eyes tied by a piece of cloth. I was a ‘it’ in that round. I heard some noise from one side so I lunged there…. only to find out that the door wasn’t closed and I fell down to the bottom of stairs. Ughh it hurt so bad :(

I can’t remember how old I was in this one but still very young. We’re in a pool and my sister teased me until I got really flustered and mad. I stepped out of the pool and out of my floating ring. I was going to throw the floating ring at my sister out of sheer madness but my body passed through the ring like a fucking dolphin and fell into the pool instead. I can’t swim…. my sister also can’t swim…. luckily, one of my older cousin was there to save my sorry ass.

Ever cried of happiness? Care to share?

Can’t recall any …. why I’m like this lol I rarely got that emotional… I might had cried one time that I remember how lucky I am to be me, surrounded with lovely family and people.

Who’s your hero, fictional or otherwise?

Dobby and Hagrid. They’re underrated characters but got a really big and kind heart. 

I really love Hargrid from the start. He’s big and clumsy but really kind. He cried and wanted to say goodbye to a baby that he didn’t even know. What broke my heart is the last book when he thought Harry was dead though. 

The only death that made me cried like a baby is Dobby’s death. I shredded few tears for other characters but Dobby’s hit me the most. He always try to help Harry. He really did in the end. *sobs*

Something you’re really proud of/best compliment you’ve ever received?

I love talking to you

You’re one of my best friends

I’m so glad I have you as my best friend

TAGGING:

@axilarts, @funkzpiel, @natecchi, @thegaypumpingthroughyourveins, @psychoticartemis and anywho that want to do this :D

QUESTIONS:

1. What do you like best about yourself? 2. What quality are you looking for in a future partner? 3. Why do you like your favourite character? 4. Do you have siblings? Care to share their&your funny stories? 5. Did you ever experience life threaten situation?  6. Do you believe in afterlife? 7. Favourite smell and why? 8. Have you collect anything? 9. What is your favourite beast in fantastic beasts? 10. One thing about yourself that going to shock everyone? 11. 3 words that best describe yourself, why?

[redlemonz]

Day #4

I am someone else when I’m with you - someone more like myself. These are the thoughts I woke up to after the events of the last evening. She brings me countless levels of joy that were previously undiscovered before she stepped foot into my life. Her adventurous, outgoing spirit takes you everywhere - from the summit of many mountains, to the depths of the caves, to her own elemental home of water (all kinds of beaches, pools, natural springs). If life was a narcotic, she’d be the enabler. Even putting such factors aside, it’s easy to realise that she’s the human being we all strive to be - “the whole package” as modern day terminology would have it, the one you wish the rest of the world could take example from. Cliche as it all is, she truly does make me feel more like myself - it’s as if I’ve been constantly discovering more about myself through her.

Day 4 - love: the best self torture?

It’s Friday. Generally that’d be one of the most exciting features of any working class hero’s week - however as discovered, time and the brain are your own worst enemies, especially when they team up against you. It’s this time last week it all definitively fell apart for the last time. All I remember thinking is that I was excited to hear her voice on the phone that night after the shitty week without her due to my own insecurities causing more fights. Thinking that she finally understood and listened to me after the millionth time regarding a promise of my recognition being put forward of our existence together to her parents. Didn’t happen. After over a year (officially & unofficially counting), it finally concluded to what my mind would tell me all along - that I wasn’t worth the effort. Though I mostly didn’t see things actually ending this way, because her and the act of lying never went together at all - I had no choice but to accept it. It’s her life after all. Instead, I should have actually listened more to her feelings and stuck with, and by her principles in support (I’ve always wanted to support everything she does, and I failed so fair enough), rather than act selfishly. What sucks though is that after all the time passing, they’ll still never know what I was to her. Because it was never important enough. I was never important enough. I suppose this is the reason that I’ve somewhat started to accept and can have my content moments with this ending, and not go as insane as I imagined I might (though it’s still early days, jinx). Nevertheless, it’s still my first Friday as a lone ranger without her, and I don’t like it one bit. I wish I could turn back this damn clock and rectify all my regretful mistakes, or learn quicker - but it all happened too late. Oh If I could be that guy in “About time” with that capability. Though let’s talk about another one of my favourite movies. I relate way too much to the mindset of the main character in this movie. The way in which he establishes his own fantasy girl (whom for the purpose of projecting literature comes to life), only to be disappointed by his own expectations that he has, rather than let her live her life, make her own choices & be her own person. He learns the common sensical, straightforward truth that he can’t actually control her and hold her back from being her, even though that was never his intention to begin with. He was ultimately blinded by his selfishness, couldn’t handle his insecurities, and thus forgot about the treasure he was blinded by, which in turn he lost. As you would have it, he realised the errors of his ways and the choices he made far too late. He has to let go. Except when it’s happening in a movie, their fates end up aligned once more and he oh so miraculously gets another chance. I wish. Probably doesn’t help thinking about the fun fact that they’re married in real life either.

Just had some nuggets at work! What a momentously ecstatic time in my monotonously linear life currently. Finally got my special of 20 for $10 - it’s suppose to be a bargain anyway. I remember the only other time I attempted to attain this spectacular deal was after we had played some tennis. I won obviously.. well this time anyway. She’s a pretty damn good match in more ways than one after all. It’s why I prefer to have her on my side of the court in both sports & life altogether. We make quite the team. Anyhow the nugget promotion had run out at the time we reached that drive through which was certainly devastating. I’ve made it this far though, so I’ll continue to live. Later that day, we went back to hers for a swim in the pool. Saying that so casually now seems a bit odd, considering that before her, the concept of swimming to me had become mostly a stranger since I was a kid. There was that one time at camp (not band camp, ha) during which I was still fairly new to this Country, in Intermediate school which I don’t like talking about in detail. Essentially it involves the body shaming of an 11 year old me when I was about to join the rest of our camp group for our activity of the day; sailing (she use to sail too - of course she did, the crazy multi-talented beautiful mofo). Since that moment, I learned to keep judging myself through out the years, and on top of my existing mental insecurities and emotional instability, I was unable to take off my shirt due to feeling way too shitty about my physical image. I could exercise and make it slightly better and whatever, but it didn’t alter that fear of public shaming. Until she came along and changed everything that is. She made me care less about these insignificant traits.. and slowly my insecurities started fading away, day by day. I felt more alive and free thanks to her, and am able to be more comfortable than ever with myself when I’m with her. Probably even way too comfortable, as there is a lack of such a limit between us when we’re together.. which is just another delightfully pleasant and fulfilling seam of happiness.

So it’s dad’s birthday. I’ve picked him up a present and am suppose to get a cake on the way back home after work. One of the three lives near by me, so I confer with him that a certain cheesecake shop is nearby us, to which he responds that I should just bake a cake (he would say that, being a former chef and all it’s.. well, a piece of cake for him). But no, not again. The one time I baked a cake was for her birthday - a banana cake covered with my own Nutella chocolate icing recipe. Spent probably ten times the actual required amount of time, and made an absolute mess of my sisters kitchen which I booked out, to make sure everything was perfect. Thankfully, It did actually turn out pretty well and I think she liked it, as she finally received the banana cake I deprived her of the year before through telling people she was allergic to the fruit. My other attempt at baking for her involved some failed cookies (slightly much butter) delivered to her at home, on top of her car during crazy thesis time. Had to also provide a proper block of chocolate with that to make up for the failed attempt. Oh man the amount of chocolate and candy I’ve probably supplied her with is pretty criminal. She would joke about how I’m just fattening her up, which I’d laugh along to but there’s probably some element of truth there. She’s just got a damn good metabolism to be fair. Also for those times where she’s trying to be healthier (which is most of the time) I’d have to resort to ensuring it was a minimum of 70% cocoa dark chocolate. I already miss being her supplier, hence why I had to include chocolate in my flower delivery on day #2 one last time. Though let’s face it, knowing her it’s probably already all gone. In all likelihood it’s the one thing even she can’t resist. Who knows, it’s presumably the reason I resemble chocolate that she even found me appealing to begin with. Jokes aside (not her addiction - that’s real), It just sucks not being able to refill her jar of kisses.

Friday night draws inwards. We’ve just celebrated dad’s birthday at home - my sister, bro in law, nieces and even their kind of cute new au pair whom I dropped near the airport a couple weeks ago came along (cute = short, red head German girl). I debated pretty hard with myself whether to even transfer that thought across, quite thoroughly if I may add, but I guess I can now? I don’t know. Feels strange and unfamiliar because I don’t really want to either, but I figure what does it really even matter. She wouldn’t have cared either way because she’s never even supposedly had a hint of the green eyed monster. Am I sincerely the only one to find that a bit bizarre? Although I confess, my own insecurities have led my mind to be easily manipulated by itself sometimes. However, in my unnecessary self defence against..myself, such does also stem from the initial issue where I’ve always felt hidden on a social scale during our relationship. As if she was always uncertain about me so could ultimately never make the complete leap with her own heart.. which in turn would make me identify further with those very inadequate concerns of being second best standing away on some foggy sidelines, a constant back up until someone more attractive, talented, smarter, and well, just better, would come along. Until the person whom she might actually be excited to introduce to her family could come along, so that they could be impressed and happy with her choice. Understandably, I don’t fit that criteria. Looking back at all our fights this fundamentally core issue for me had caused, I realise now - when I view myself in the mirror that I too, would be embarrassed if it were me. That’s the one lie I didn’t enjoy - “it’s not a big deal”. I’d rather just that she would have admitted it was, so that I could gain more understanding - I mean I don’t think I can be that bad otherwise…Can I? Probably, I guess. Note that this is an unfair representation of her though, don’t get me wrong at all. You have to consider all the facts (which is what I failed incredibly hard to do furthermore at the time, as my heavy emotional weaknesses took over). I seriously just needed to listen to her. Although I guess the counter argument is that I didn’t feel like she ended up ever listening to me either - which left us at a stand still, where we both continuously shot at each other until the mess grew large enough, and we eventually fell apart. Natural attrition, as my work place has been calling it. I was so foolish though, seeking approval from sources that shouldn’t even matter at all, and left me once again becoming fully aware far too late, that I lost the only one that really did matter - hers. I don’t care if I sound like a loser for not saying my own approval here - I’ve never really cared for anyone else’s approval enough previously.. just the one I fell for. She was actually much too sweet in the end when reflecting upon the circumstances, as I did constantly exhaust her with this ongoing insecurity that I created myself. She didn’t need to put up with me for so long, but I do feel a sense of honour and self-worth ironically stemming from the fact that she did. In a way, she kind of gave me recognition and I didn’t even register it until literally this moment - by sticking by my side. Until she couldn’t anymore. Because I wasn’t worth the effort. Which just feels counteractive to the definition of being in love with someone - and I could definitely tell she still was/is from our weekend (+sick day monday). There was a certain spark in our eyes of a possibly better future there, but she would safeguard her heart from taking that leap once again. Her damn smart brain got in the way. Once again, ironically one of the most attractive things about her was my downfall at attempting to fix what is supposedly permanently broken to her. The fact of the matter still remains that love is the most illogical and beautiful phenomenon that we have as human beings, and it genuinely can make us do absurd things and challenge every principle and ethic we may believe in and hold dear, because it’s damn love. It’s what I believe in. It’s the core of humanity and all that is really required - The Beatles were onto that one. Questioning it rather than embracing it is what causes us to slowly limp away into the darkness of our mind, and lose ourselves. But hey, that’s just one prime example’s biased opinion - as we’ve clearly established that my mind is my own worst enemy. I fucked up everything on my own - she didn’t need to assist me in that regard.

All I know now, when thinking about love as per my above discovered profound wisdom (just clarifying that it is in fact sarcasm, in case I haven’t already proven to be arrogant enough asshole at times - but whatever, I don’t need to prove anything), is simply that I just want her to be beside me right now. I miss her presence next to me on a Friday night. I just want to hold her and forget about the rest of this damn world for one more perfectly blissful moment of love, and I know from experience that it’d feel like everything will be alright. But, I can’t tonight. Also I’ve snapped her three times today and offered her a trip to Fiji (my crappy April fools joke, don’t ask - I’ll disappoint once again) after the positive vibe I received from last night, but nothing back. So that’s great too. I’m glad she’s moving on with her life - genuinely am happy in that consideration for her. Maybe I should widen the gap on the bridge between us too, to assist her from a distance (figuratively and literally). I hope she has a wonderful weekend as she deserves, and that the sun shines for her (and the stars at night too). Warning: Incoming dramatic conclusion to day 4 - so please do excuse me for now, as I need to get back to digging this damned endless pit for my heart.

_____

Day 4 - continued - yay!

Hold everything. She just snapped me a cute selfie of her finding an excuse (someone on TV did it so it's a legitimate reason, duh) to have a shot of our fireball. Key word, cute - though I suppose that's literally every snap of her. Alright - so a much better conclusion to day 4. It's absolutely mind-blowing, crazy and 300% illogical how the smallest gesture can turn everything around, isn't it? Must be love.