#(I mean. aunties now raise their eyebrow slightly higher than before. since I still have neither a spouse nor phd. but whatevs)

[culmaer]

¶

[jamiethetrans]

Women of SVU - Day 4 - Under the influence of strong medicine, alcohol or edibles

Alexandra Cabot x Reader

AN: Hey everyone!

Sorry about the long wait. Got a lot going on at the moment, and needed some time away to clear everything out.

I’m currently on waiting list to get testosterone/hormones for my transitioning and I’ve waited for almost six months now, so it’s taking quite a toll on me at the moment.

Plus I’m changing location of my job because I hate the current managers and everything is just going very slowly when you have a whole month ahead of you with those people still.

But I am back and I’m planning on writing more than ever!

Sorry about the spam of all the stories and chapters but needed everything transferred before deleting the account.

Hope you like this one!

- Jamie

•

"Would you say you're a charming man, mr. Brown?", Alex asked as she began her cross examination, looking down in her files. Both you and Olivia scoffed at the way the man's face instantly turned into a smirk. Not to mention the biggest one yet in the four hours the trial had taken so far.

"I would say I'm rather charming yes", he answered and Alex looked up from her papers meeting the man's eyes.

"So you don't have trouble finding women?"

The man shook his head. "No. It has never been an issue"

"Then why rape Bridget Harper?"

"Objection!", the defense called and the judge nodded.

"Withdrawn", Alex quickly said though before the judge could say anything and conitued. "Mr. Brown is it true that miss Harper worked at your firm for almost ten years before you fired her?"

"I didn't fire her, she decided to leave the company herself", he countered and Alex gave a weird smile towards him.

"It's funny you should say that”, she said walking back to her desk. “Because in this e-mail, people's exhibit fourteen, you're using the exact line 'You're fired'. And from her respones, it doesn't give any clue nor indication that she herself put down her resignation", she countered back and mr Broan immedietly froze looking down. He looked down at his fingers and you smirked as you sat next to Olivia.

"I-I didn't mean-"

"She also writes, and I qoute 'You're only firing me because I told you no. And then you raped me" You turned and wathced as Bridget let a tear fall down her cheek. "She's accusing you of raping her"

"I didn't-"

"She told you no. You couldn't take no for an answer so you raped her and fired her for it", Alex said and mr. Brown sighed and looked down. "Nothing further", she said and walked back to her seat.

Right in that moment, mr. Brown turned to one of his people from behind the defense table and one of them suddenly stood from his seat. You immediately noticed the gun in his hand, pointing it at Alex and you stood from your seat and held up your own gun.

“Drop the gun!”, you yelled and the man turned, redirecting his gun towards you. You quickly shot him in his shoulder and everyone screamed and got down on their knees.

Before you could react you heard another gunshot and felt a heavy amount of pain in your own shoulder, falling to the ground. “Y/n!”, Olivia yelled and the shooter was quickly shot down as well. She brought her hand to your shoulder and held the wound tightly.

“Stay with me y/n. Stay with me”

You felt yourself slowly getting tired as you saw the blood floating from your body and onto the wooden floor. You turned your head and saw a wave of blonde. “Y/n? Y/n stay with us”

The last thing you saw was blue eyes and a wave of blonde getting closer to your face.

•

When you opened your eyes again you saw a small hand in yours and immediately squeezed it as hard as you could but for the small hand it only came as a soft squeeze. “Mom! Mom she’s awake”, a voice yelled and you feel your head already banging.

“Ssshh, easy Noah”, a soft voice said and you turned your head slightly to see your Captain walking towards you from her seat on the couch. “Hey champ, how you feeling?”

You chuckled giving her a nod. “I’m good thanks. What happened?”

“I drove with you to the hospital while Fin drove Alex over here. They’re in the cafeteria getting some coffee”, she said and you sighed turning to Noah who stood next to his mother. You had always adored the boy and you would do anything for him.

“Hey kid”

“Hey auntie y/n”

You chuckled and right there the door opened and you all turned to see Fin and Alex walk in, Kat and Rollins following up. “Hey kid, how are you feeling?”, Fin asked and you chuckled. He always called you kid. No matter where it was.

“I’m fine Fin. My shoulder hurts like hell though”

They all gave you sad smiles and you rolled your eyes. “Don’t give me those pity looks. I’m fine”

They all let out small laughs and your eyes met Alex’s. Oh how you loved her eyes. Sea blue with a hint of choral green.

“Alright miss y/l/n”, a voice suddenly said and you all turned to see the doctor coming in. “You’re awake. How’s the shoulder? Any pain?”

You wanted to be strong. Show your strength to your colleagues, to Alex. You wanted to show it to Noah, showing him you were his strong aunt that could survive anything. But the pain was just too unbearable. So you nodded and moved your neck away from him.

Olivia walked over to Fin and squeezed his shoulder. “We should let her be”, she whispered and Fin nodded. She turned to Kat and Rollins and they both understood the gesture.

They all left the room after goodbyes to you and that left Alex standing alone by the end of the bed. “I will give you some pain relievers, it should hold the pain down for a while”, the doctor said and you nodded. He walked out of the room and you turned meeting Alex’ eyes.

“Hey you”, she whispered and you smiled softly, trying to hold back the tears. She walked over to you and let her hand softly squeeze yours. “God you scared the crap out of me”, she said and you chuckled.

“Sorry. But I’m fine. I’m getting painkillers and I will get better, okay?”

She nodded and gave you a weak smile, your hands tangled together.

•

When you opened your eyes you immediately noticed you were alone. You turned your head and saw the bright light shine through the curtains. You felt yourself getting light headed, not able to control your own brain. It felt like that anyway.

The door opened and you Olivia walked in, Fin right behind her. “Eeey, my cap and my serg”, you said with a lousy smile. The two shared a look and you held out your hand for Olivia to take.

“How is my beautiful Captain today, mmh?”, you asked and the woman couldn’t stop herself from chuckling.

“I’m fine y/n, how are you?”

“Oh pft! I’m fine!”, you said with a pitched voice and Fin frowned at your behavior. Olivia simply chuckled, happy to see you in a better mood than yesterday.

The door opened again and you widened your eyes at the sight your partner. “Katty. Katty! Oh my god I have missed you so much!”, you said with a wide smile and Kat frowned with a smile at the nickname, turning to Olivia who simply shook her head.

“I’ve missed you too girl”, she said and you smiled wide.

“Oh of course you do. You and I? We are the best partners in New York!”, you said and extended a turned fist towards her. She smiled at the action and extended her own turned fist towards yours, doing your handshake. Up and down, meet in the middle for a fist bump before making a finger gun, firing it off.

The door opened again and Alex walked in, a file in her hands. Your eyes widened and smiled wide. “Alex!”

The blonde turned to you and smiled. “Y/n. How are you feeling?”

“Oh I am so good! I feel like I’m on fire! And that’s not just because of the meds”, you said giving her a wink and Alex’ cheeks reddened at a blush. Kat raised her eyebrows turning to Amanda who looked just as shocked.

“You guys wanna know a secret?”, you asked chuckling, feeling yourself getting higher. “I’m secretly in love with Alex”, you half whispered, holding your hand to the side of your mouth, meeting Kat’s eyes.

Kat widened her eyes, Amanda slamming her palm to her mouth while Fin turned to the others. Olivia turned to Alex who stood frozen in place looking at you.

It had only been a week since the blonde had come to her apartment and confessed her feelings for you. They had talked about it for hours, Alex practically exploding her heart into the apartment.

“But don’t tell her!”, you said obviously to the tension filling up between the others. “She doesn’t feel the same so please don’t”

Kat found herself nodded with a smile. “Of course partner”

You smiled nodding and soon you fell asleep, the meds taking all of your energy out.

•

The day you went back to work, you had your arm in a sling, your shoulder completely covered in bandages. Kat was the first to notice you as you stepped into the squad room and she stood from her seat faster than ever before.

You groaned at the tightness of her hug, feeling your shoulder complaining at the amount of pressure. “Sorry”, she whispered and you shook your head.

“S’okay”

You made your handshake before you turned and saw Amanda standing ready. You let her hug you as well, though a little softer. “How you feeling?”

“Better. The painkillers are definitely doing their job”, you said and the two women shared a look making you frowned at them. “What?”

“Nothing”, they both said in unison and you raised a perfect eyebrow at them as Amanda walked back to her seat. You shook it off and sat down by your desk, feeling relief wash over your body as you were finally back to work. God how you’ve missed it.

You sat and worked on a few reports for the next hour and you were almost done when you heard the familiar heels sounding through the entire squad room. You turned and met Alex’s eyes and the woman gave you a linear smile.

“Detective. Good to see you back on your feet”, she said and you sat completely tranced in her beauty. And completely unaware of what had happened at the hospital.

“It’s good to be back”, you said in a haste, blinking your eyes and she smiled at you. “I’ve missed working”, you continued.

“Of course you have. You’re a workaholic. Working is what you’re best at”, she said and you froze for a moment looking at her.

“Are you o–“

“Alex. Good you could make it”, Olivia came and interrupted and you watched as the blonde followed the brunette inside.

“You okay?”, a voice sounded through your ears and you turned to Tamin who gave you a soft smile.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m good. Wha... what was that about?”

“You don’t remember?”

You frowned at her quizzed expression and you shook your head gently. You had absolutely no idea what had happened. “What?”

Tamin turned to Rollins who sighed with a nod, telling her you deserved to know. Taming turned back to you who still sat with a frown.

“You were high on meds. You…”, she trailed off.

“I what?”

“You… you confessed your feelings for Alex to me”, she said and you blushed hard.

“Uhm… okay. Well, that’s not that ba–“

“While everyone else was there too”, she continued and this time you froze.

“You… you mean…”, you were unable to finish and both Tamin and Rollins nodded their heads.

All the color suddenly drained from your face and you turned towards Liv’s office and instantly met Alex’s eyes.

Shit

•

“Another?”

You turned to the sound and noticed the bartender standing in front of you, looking down at your now empty glass of scotch.

“Yeah sure”

The bartender took the bottle and poured, you watching the liquid fall into the glass.

“You sure that’s healthy for you?”, a voice suddenly asked and you turned to see Olivia standing next to you.

“Well, it’s too late now”, you said and Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile and sat down next to you, the bartender immediately noticing.

“Captain?”

Olivia shook her head with a smile at the question before turning to you. “You should talk to Alex. She’s been absolutely out her mind since you got shot”, she said and you chuckled.

“Really? She’s not scared since I basically confessed my heart out in front of everyone?”, you said and Olivia chuckled.

“Well you’re not the only one who’s confessed their heart out”

You frowned at her and Olivia smiled. “She adores you y/n. She absolutely adores you. Go talk to her”

You sat and stared at your drink for a moment debating your thoughts before standing from your seat. “Thanks Liv”

Olivia smiled at the kiss she received on her cheek before watching you leave the bar faster than ever before. She smiled and looked down at your still full glass and turned to the bartender. “Give me her tab”

•

It was just past ten when Alex heard a knocking on her door, frowning at the sudden guest at this time. She stood from the coach, turning the tv down before walking over to the front door.

When she opened she met your eyes and froze. “Y/n?”

You stood still staring into her eyes and Alex felt herself blush under your gaze. You stood for a solid minute staring into each other’s eyes, her blue ones the most beautiful ones you ever laid your eyes on.

“You want to come in?”, Alex suddenly asked and you nodded walking in. You noticed the tv and smiled.

“Say yes to the bride”, you read and turned to the prosecutor who blushed.

“What? I like the program”, she said and you smiled.

“It’s okay, I’m not judging. I like it too”, you said, trying to make her feel better about her little guilty pleasure. You caught yourself staring into her eyes again and blushed hard clearing your throat.

“May I… May I watch it… with you?”

Alex smiled at the small voice you used to ask and nodded. “I’d love that”

You smiled wide and sat down in the couch, Alex sitting next to you. You were about five minutes in when Alex began commenting on the dresses, and you laughed every time. Either they were too ugly or too big or just didn’t suit the woman who was wearing it.

“Wow Alex, if I knew you would be so savage with this program, I would have watched it with you sooner”

“Shut up”, she said hitting your arm and you laughed making her smile as well.

“This is nice”, you said after a while and she smiled. She laid her head on your shoulder, her hand squeezing your arm and you felt yourself blush.

“You know, don’t you?”, you asked into the silence and Alex turned to you, her eyes meeting yours. Your faces were so close now and you felt your heart beat faster.

“Know what?”

You knew she was challenging you. You could see it in her eyes. She wanted you to say it.

“That I have feelings for you”, you whispered and Alex stared into your eyes for a while, her hand coming to softly stroke your cheek.

“You should know too then”, she said and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Know what?”

“That I have feelings for you too”

Before you could get a word out, she brought your face closer and brought your lips together in a chaste kiss.

[silverlightqueen]

Ozone 🦋

‘I need some reasons to live, maybe you could show me some.’

Phases - Hwang Hyunjin X Chase Atlantic

Rating: M (heavy angst, fluff, slightly suggestive)

Warnings: substance abuse, drug addiction, depression and discussion of suicidal behaviours/thoughts, toxic relationship, mention of alcohol, strong language

Word Count: 9.3k+ 

a/n: and here is the third (and my favourite) part of phases, my hhjxchaseatlantic series! please proceed with caution because this fic contains some serious and potentially triggering topics! I really hope you guys enjoy this, lmk what you think and hmu if you wanna be on the taglist! the biggest thank you to the loml @silverlightprincess for proofreading this, love you sis xo

taglist 🦋: @diue @shesfuckedinthehead @danyxthirstae01 @linours @titleisyettobemade @jikooksgirl19​ @straytannies​ @silverlightprincess​

‘I’m so sorry, Chaer, I gotta go, they’re blowing up my phone, I-’ ‘It’s okay, y/n, don’t worry about it. I’ll finish my story after,’ Chaeryeong says softly, patting the other girl’s shoulder comfortingly, and she mirrors Chaeryeong’s smile as she gets up from the table, trying to leave without Lia noticing her. She needs to be quick because she doesn’t wanna miss anything, so she slips around the edges of the room, hoping not to get caught in a conversation with one of Lia’s drunk uncles.

The sun is just beginning to set, the sky streaked with the most beautiful pastel colours, and a gentle breeze blows, kissing her exposed skin. The dresses Lia chose for them are so gorgeous – sea blue layers of floaty chiffon with thin straps and leg slits – and they’re perfect for this warm summer evening. The doorman offers her his arm to help her, and her heels click against the front steps of the manor house that Lia’s family have rented. She continues walking, right onto the grass, to make sure she’s stood a sufficient distance from the front door and the staff, not wanting anyone to overhear her conversation.

‘Where the fuck are you guys? The speeches are done, they’re about to serve the starters, and you idiots still aren’t here!’ she hisses angrily down the phone, Jisung silent for a moment before he says, ‘If any of you had answered your phones, then you’d know where we’ve been. And anyway, don’t blame all of us. It’s your idiot boyfriend that’s the problem.’ She takes a deep breath, already feeling her eyes fill with tears. ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’ ‘Okay, well, whatever the fuck he is to you.’ ‘It doesn’t matter what he is to me – he’s your best friend. But anyway, what’s he done?’ ‘He’s blown out his mind again. Taken so many xans that I’m surprised he hasn’t passed out.’

She takes a deep breath, trying not to scream, and closes her eyes for a moment to compose herself. ‘Where are you?’ ‘At your place. We went straight there after the ceremony, to pick up the present like you asked, but he decided to pop a few while he waited in the car. They haven’t fully kicked in yet, so we’re waiting for him to get over the peak.’ ‘No, you can’t wait. You’re gonna have to just bring him.’

‘…y/n, are you insane? He’s gonna be higher than a kite in, like, 30 minutes!’ ‘I know, but you can’t miss this! You already missed the speeches, and Lia will start asking where you guys are soon. Our table is literally right at the front of the room, and there are four empty seats. It’s very noticeable, and very embarrassing that four of her closest friends are a no-show at her wedding!’ ‘Yeah, but we can’t bring him while he’s like this!’ ‘We’ll leave him in the car and take turns to look after him until he’s come down.’ ‘Seriously?’ ‘Yes! It’s better than you guys missing her wedding! Get here now.’ ‘Okay, okay, we’re on our way. We’ll be there in 20.’ ‘Make it 15.’ ‘y/n-’ ‘I’m not kidding, Sung!’ ‘Fine, 15. You’re paying any speed tickets, though.’ ‘Fine, whatever, just get here.’

The line clicks off and she blinks a few times to clear her vision before heading back up into the big ballroom, slipping back to her seat. ‘Where are they?’ Yeji asks the second she sits down, all of them waiting for her answer. ‘Hyunjin got high, so they were waiting for him to come back down before they came,’ she says quietly, embarrassed at his behaviour, and all of her friends look furious.

‘Is he fucking kidding? On Lia’s wedding day? How fucking selfish can he be?’ Ryujin hisses angrily, and all she can do is nod in agreement. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with him. But I told them to come anyway, and he can just wait in the car. It’s not fair that the other three should miss Lia’s big day because of him,’ she says softly, none of them wanting any of the other wedding guests to hear.

‘I swear to God, y/n, you need to drop him. He’s a fucking waste of space, and I’m sick of his bullshit,’ Chaeryeong says, and the other girl doesn’t say anything, looking at the empty seat beside her with thinly veiled misery. ‘Um, he’s our friend,’ Minho says, the girls turning their irritated gazes to him. ‘He’s our friend too, but it doesn’t mean what they said isn’t true. He is a waste of space, and we are sick of his bullshit,’ Yeji says softly, the boys exchanging glances before nodding in agreement. ‘Yeah, I guess. We just… feel bad for him,’ Changbin says, and Yuna scoffs. ‘Yeah, I did too. When we were in high school. We’re adults now, and we all have our lives together. He’s the only one that doesn’t. He needs to grow up like the rest of us,’ she says drily, everyone on the table in agreement that he’s a total mess.

It’s all too much for her, hearing all of this out loud, and she gets up from the table suddenly, all of them turning their gazes to her, guilt and concern appearing on their faces. ‘y/n, are y-’ ‘I’m fine, I just… gotta… go,’ she says faintly, getting up and heading towards the exit, stumbling out into the corridor with tears filling her eyes again. She makes her way to the bathroom on shaky legs, smiling weakly at Lia’s aunties that are congregated by the mirrors, gossiping about so-and-so’s dress and so-and-so’s new haircut.

She locks herself into a cubicle and checks Jisung’s location on her phone, breathing a sigh of relief when she sees his little dot moving closer to her own. She takes a minute to calm herself down, trying not to let their words about the boy she’s in love with replay in her mind, but she can’t help it. He is selfish, and a waste of space. It may be hard to hear, but it’s all true, and he’s never done anything to prove otherwise, never even attempted to show everyone they’re wrong about him. He’s a mess, and he knows it just as well as everyone else does.

She doesn’t know how long she’s sat on the lid of the toilet, watching Jisung’s dot on her phone, but when she finally leaves the cubicle, the bathroom is completely empty and eerily quiet. She stares at herself in the mirror for a while, and a small but genuine smile appears on her face at her reflection. She woke up super early this morning to make sure she looked especially nice, and she definitely achieved it – her makeup is flawless despite the tears that have threatened to spill twice already today, and her hair is perfect, unaffected by the slight breeze that’s been blowing since this morning.

She rolls her shoulders and neck to release some of the tension in her body, the crack of her bones echoing in the empty room. She puts her phone on the side, washing her hands with the expensive jasmine hand-soap, and just as she finishes drying her hands, the door opens. ‘Ah, y/n! My darling, you look gorgeous!’ Lia’s grandmother says with a big smile, the girl letting out a little exclamation of excitement as she wraps her arms around the small woman. ‘Thank you, Mrs Choi! And you look gorgeous too!’ ‘Oh, thank you, dear! Lia chose this dress for me – it seems she has an eye for good dresses, doesn’t she? You all looked so lovely stood beside her in your beautiful dresses earlier.’ ‘Not as lovely as the bride herself, of course.’ ‘Of course, of course! She looks stunning. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of tears all day,’ Lia’s grandmother laughs, and the girl truly means it when she says, ‘me too.’

‘It is an emotional day indeed. I look forward to the day that you get married, y/n. I’ll be able to spend the day getting a little too drunk like your grandmother has today,’ Mrs Choi gossips, the two of them giggling together. ‘I look forward to that day too, Mrs Choi. Lia’s wedding has just made me so much more excited for my own. I can’t wait.’ ‘Well, I don’t think you’ll have to wait too long.’ ‘Um… I’m not so sure about that,’ the girl says, getting a suspicious look in response. ‘Don’t tell me you and Hyunjin have broken up.’ ‘We’ve never been together, which isn’t even the start of our problems. He’s… just an idiot.’ ‘All boys are idiots, y/n. The sooner you come to terms with it, the better.’ ‘He’s more of an idiot than the rest of them, Mrs Choi. He’s not even my boyfriend, and I’m just fed up of him,’ she vents, Lia’s grandmother raising an eyebrow at her.

‘Sweetheart, does somebody need to have a word with the little shit? Because if he’s going around behind your back, Mr Choi will s-’ ‘No, he’s not… going around behind my back. He just hasn’t got his life together and it’s starting to really affect our relationship, if I can even call it that.’ ‘Oh, dear. Maybe you’re better off without him.’ ‘I am better off without him.’ ‘Well, I’m glad you know it. The day you decide to actually do something about it, let me know. Lia’s got some single cousins an-’ ‘Thank you for the offer, Mrs Choi, but I don’t need you to matchmake for me.’ ‘You say that now, but just wait,’ Lia’s grandmother says with a mischievous grin, the girl rolling her eyes amusedly. ‘We’ll see.’ ‘We shall. Now you go back and join your friends, sweetheart. I’ll catch you on the dancefloor later,’ the old lady says with a little shake of her hips, the girl bursting into laughter as she heads out of the bathroom.

She checks Jisung’s location again, and he’s only a couple minutes away, so she heads back out to the front of the manor house, admiring the vast grounds with its high trees, vibrant flowers and clear lake as she waits for them to arrive. As soon as she sees the car, she heads towards the driveway, the doorman helping her down the steps again. The second the boys start getting out of the car, she begins fussing about them. They all look dishevelled, and she’d rather not know why.

‘Don’t any of you know how to answer your damn phones?’ Felix says with half-hearted annoyance, letting the girl tighten his tie around his neck. ‘Lia’s family were doing their speeches, and then everyone was coming around and greeting us, so we couldn’t exactly start talking to you idiots on the phone.’ ‘We’re not the idiots, y/n,’ Seungmin says drily, standing still to let her straighten the flower on his lapel. ‘I know,’ she says softly, not even wanting to look in the car and see him. ‘How is he anyway?’ ‘He’s at his peak, so he should be near sober in about an hour, hour and a half,’ Jisung says, rolling his eyes as the girl fixes his hair. ‘Right, fine. We’ll come get him in an hour then. Let’s go.’

‘Woah, woah, hold on. We can’t just leave him in the car by himself,’ Seungmin says, and she raises an eyebrow at him. ‘Why not? If he doesn’t wanna be left in a car by himself, he shouldn’t get high before our best friend’s wedding reception.’ ‘Yeah, I get that, but what if he does something stupid?’ Felix asks, the girl sighing. ‘What do you suggest then?’ ‘We’ll… take shifts watching him. I’ll go first,’ Jisung says, and she shakes her head with wide eyes. ‘Are you insane? You need to go in and say hi to everyone, and then send someone else out, one of the boys. I’ll keep an eye on him for now,’ she says reluctantly, the boys exchanging a glance.

‘If there’s anyone that shouldn’t do a shift, y/n, it’s you.’ ‘Yeah, I know that, Jisung, but no one else is here, so it’ll have to be me. Just go, stop wasting time. If anyone asks where he is, say he’s really ill and he’s sleeping it off in the car,’ she says quickly, taking the car keys from Seungmin and shooing them away, watching as they head up towards the house. ‘You look very hot, by the way! As always!’ Jisung shouts over his shoulder with a grin and she rolls her eyes at him, flattered but most certainly not in the mood. ‘Miss, would you like me to take the car around to the car park for you?’ the valet says, suddenly appearing by her side, and she jumps slightly in surprise. ‘Um, actually… my friend’s still in the car – he’s not very well so we’re just gonna get him to sleep it off and take turns keeping an eye on him. Is there anywhere we can park the car where it’s closer to the house?’ she asks, and the valet thinks for a moment. ‘There’s a little clearing over this side of the house, Miss. I can drive the car there if you’d like,’ he offers, the girl nodding and handing him the keys.

She follows behind the car, walking carefully along the gravel, and thanks the valet profusely as he hands the keys back to her. She wonders whether or not she should get into the car, but the decision is made for her when Hyunjin rolls down the back window, looking at her with an unreadable expression, the whites of his eyes discoloured with red and his bottom lip split. That explains why the boys were all looking dishevelled – they must have gotten into a… scuffle with him. She doesn’t say anything, looking away from him after a moment, and he chuckles. ‘Don’t I get a lecture?’ he asks amusedly, and she doesn’t even dignify his question with a response. ‘Silent treatment?’ ‘Shut the fuck up, Hyunjin.’ He just chuckles in response, and she wants nothing more than to land a heavy punch on his annoyingly perfect face. Instead, she leans against the car and looks down at her phone, scrolling unseeingly through the pictures that Jeongin took of the girls earlier.

‘Why are you always so high-strung, babe? Just relax. Take a xanny,’ he says, smile audible in his voice, and she looks at him with pure disgust. ‘It’s not funny. Not one thing about this is funny.’ ‘It’s a little bit funny.’ ‘You’re fucking sick in the head,’ she spits angrily, and he looks taken aback for a moment, quickly smoothing out his features into that arrogant expression he wears all the time. ‘Wow, that’s harsh. What have I done to you? It’s Lia’s wedding – she’s the only one that can be angry with me,’ he says amusedly, and she feels her eyes filling with tears again. ‘No, actually, I can be angry at you too. It’s fucking humiliating having everyone look at the empty seat next to mine, your empty seat, wondering where the fuck my dirtbag of a boyfriend is!’

‘I’m not your boyfriend,’ he says quickly, the girl letting out a humourless laugh, furious that that’s the thing he decides to address. ‘Yeah, you’ve made that pretty fucking obvious.’ ‘Listen, y/n, I don’t get why you’re so upset that the seat next to you is empty. Just… move seats,’ he grins, as though it’s simple, and she wants to rip his soft black hair out of his stupid head. ‘That’s not the problem, Hyunjin. It’s a lonely feeling.’ ‘You’re sat with your best friends. They’re keeping you company. How can you say you’re lonely?’ ‘They’re all sat next to their boyfriends and girlfriends. The only empty seat on the table, now that the other three are there, is the one next to mine. It’s lonely because they all have their significant others there.’ ‘Well, maybe you should get a boyfriend then. It’s not my fault that you’re single,’ he smiles serenely, and she feels her heart break.

He just called her single. They’ve been messing around since high school, and never have either of them said that they’re single. It was always ‘it’s complicated’, or ‘yeah, we’re kinda together’, or even ‘I’m seeing someone’. Never that they’re single. And he knows that. He’s saying it on purpose, to hurt her – she’s sure of it – and she’s never hated him more than in this moment. Her eyes shine with tears and he just looks back at her smugly with his slightly bloodshot eyes. His body is so accustomed to being high that it’s only ever his eyes that change. His body is never slow or sluggish, his words are never slurred, he never becomes uncoordinated or dizzy. The only sign of him being up in the clouds is his eyes being tinged with a little red.

Changbin appears, almost out of nowhere, and he looks between them with silent concern. ‘Does Lia know anything?’ Hyunjin asks, directing the question at both of them, but the girl ignores him. ‘No. She’s not stupid, though – she’ll realise soon enough,’ Changbin says with no warmth or kindness, and Hyunjin almost looks guilty when he asks, ‘Are you gonna cover for me?’ ‘We’re not gonna ruin her wedding day. So… yeah, we’ll have to cover for you,’ Changbin answers quietly, and the girl lets out a little humourless laugh. ‘You fucking owe us one, you piece of shit.’ ‘I owe you all more than just one. Especially you, y/n. I owe you hundreds. You never stop doing things for me,’ he says with a grin, as though it’s something to be proud of, and it makes her feel sick – it’s like he’s mocking her, making her seem like she’s just his little fan, who follows him around and does whatever he asks.

‘You head back inside, y/n. I’ll stay with this dickhead,’ Changbin says softly, putting a gentle hand on her arm, and she nods, not wasting another moment before heading towards the front of the manor. ‘Tell whoever’s on the next shift to bring me a bottle of vodka!’ Hyunjin calls after the girl and she bites down on her lip, to stop herself from both screaming at him and bursting into tears, feeling that Changbin’s ‘shut your fucking mouth before I shove my fist in it, you fucking moron’ is more than enough of a scolding.

When she re-enters the ballroom, the atmosphere has livened up considerably, the guests beginning to mix between tables, the music a little louder and the lights a little lower. She heads back to the table with her friends, Lia sat there, and she feels a little bit of panic when Lia spots her, the bride’s eyes narrowing. ‘What’s going on with him?’ Lia asks the second the other girl sits down, and she waits for her response with a raised eyebrow, the others on the table silent. ‘These guys already told you, right?’ ‘No, they didn’t. They’re saying that nothing’s wrong, which is bullshit. What’s going on, y/n?’ The girl decides she’s not gonna lie for him, she’s not gonna cover for him anymore, and she takes a deep sigh before saying, ‘he’s high, Lia. I’m sorry.’

Lia shakes her head disappointedly, sadness in her eyes, but there isn’t one hint of surprise in her reaction at all, which hurts. No one’s ever surprised by his behaviour. No one ever expects anything better of him. No one ever thinks he might make a change, but it’s probably because he never will.

‘I even told him he could get high after my family are all gone. They’re leaving at 9 and then we’ve got the place to ourselves all night. He just had to wait a few more hours,’ Lia says angrily, the others all shaking their heads in mutual disappointment. ‘Where is he? I wanna speak to him,’ she says abruptly, getting up from her seat without a second’s hesitation, and all her friends exchange alarmed glances. ‘Woah, Lia, hold on. Changbin’s with him, but you can’t go. It’s your wedding – you can’t just disappear,’ Yeji says, and Lia looks like she’s debating it with herself.

‘I… I wanna go and speak to him so bad. I don’t know whether I wanna knock him out or give him a hug, but I just need to see him,’ she says distractedly, as though her thoughts are too loud for her to focus on her words, and the others look at her with incredulity. ‘You wanna hug him?’ Jeongin asks disbelievingly, voicing all of their thoughts, and she lets out an exasperated sigh. ‘You guys are all so quick to get angry at him. Do you never stop to wonder why he’s always high or drunk?’ she asks, sitting back down again, and everyone rolls their eyes.

‘Lia, it’s nice of you to be concerned about him, but I really wouldn’t try and think about him in a psychological way. He’s too far gone for our help now. I mean, it’s literally your wedding day, and he couldn’t stay sober,’ Ryujin says slowly, and Lia’s eyes widen. ‘But that’s what I’m trying to say! It’s my wedding day… and he couldn’t stay sober. Why has nobody stopped to think about that? What is hurting him so much that he couldn’t stay sober for his best friend’s wedding?’ Lia says slowly, her friends silent as her words sink in, and their anger is quickly replaced by panic and guilt.

‘y/n, has he… spoken to you at all? Mentioned anything to you? I know you two aren’t exactly… well, I don’t even know what you are, but he confides in you more than anyone else,’ Minho says gently, and the girl tries to quieten her concerns, thinking back to anything she should’ve noticed. ‘I can’t think of anything. I mean… there’s the usual stuff he’s talked about since high school – how he gets high to get rid of the pain – but nothing… out of the blue. Nothing bad enough to make him get high in the middle of Lia’s wedding,’ she says quietly, desperately wracking her brains but coming up empty-handed.

‘Maybe we should try and speak to him about it? Try and get him to talk?’ ‘He doesn’t talk, Lix. He won’t talk, to any of us. Except y/n,’ Chaeryeong says gently, all of them silent as they try to think. ‘Will you speak to him, y/n? I’m just worried now that Lia’s said that.’ ‘Trust me, Yuna, I’d love to speak to him, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get anything out of him. I was just with him and… he was horrible to me. Worse than he’s ever been before. I told him it isn’t a nice feeling to be sat in here with the seat next to me empty, and he said that maybe I should get a boyfriend, and it isn’t his fault that I’m single,’ she says quietly, all of them gasping in shock.

‘That’s it. I don’t give a fuck if he’s struggling or going through something difficult – that’s no excuse to be a dick.’ ‘Jisung, please, calm do-’ ‘No, Lia! How many nights has she stayed with him? How many episodes of his has she stuck by him through? How many times has she saved his damn life? Everything she’s ever done for him, and he thinks he can speak to her like that? It doesn’t run! I’m gonna kick his ass!’ Jisung says angrily, standing up, and all the others start panicking and stand up too, trying to get him to calm down. ‘Jisung, if you don’t sit your ass down and shut up, I’ll kick your ass,’ Lia hisses, all of them suddenly conscious of the stares they’re getting from the other wedding guests, and they all quickly sit back down.

‘You don’t get to choose how we deal with him. y/n does,’ Lia says calmly, all of their gazes turning to the girl in question, and she hesitates, taking a few moments to think about it. She wants nothing more than to see him get his due, for being such a dick to her for so long, but she loves him too much to abandon him, or hurt him, at a time when he could be hurting more than he ever has before.

‘We’ll carry on doing the shifts until he’s come down... and then, I’ll speak to him. Only when he’s sobered up. The next person to go out needs to take his drugs off him, if he has any – I don’t want him to take more while he’s coming down. I’ll bring him in after speaking to him,’ she says, telling them the best plan she can think of, and they all nod. ‘Okay, y/n. That’s what we’ll do. I’ll take the next shift,’ Chan says, the others volunteering themselves to look after him, and she feels herself zoning out, worrying about him again. ‘Hey, y/n. Stop stressing. We’re gonna look after him, okay? Team effort to… save Hyunjin,’ Felix says softly with a small smile, and the girl nods, convincing herself that they’ll be able to do it. That they can save Hyunjin.

‘My eyes must have been deceiving me all night, because I haven’t seen you step foot onto that dancefloor,’ Lia’s father says from where he’s appeared behind her seat, and she smiles up at him. ‘Hey, Mr Choi.’ ‘Hi, sweetheart,’ he says, sliding into the empty seat beside her. ‘Why the sad face?’ ‘Oh, I’m not sad. I’m just… reminiscing. It feels like the end of an era,’ she says, glancing over at Lia and wondering when she grew up so much. Wondering when all of them grew up so much.

‘I’ve been thinking the same thing. I can’t help but wish the time hadn’t gone so quickly. I miss those old days. When you girls would play outside for hours each day, all summer long. It feels like just yesterday that me and the other parents waved you all goodbye on your first day of high school, and here we are. At Lia’s wedding,’ he says with a sad smile, both of them watching Lia dance with the biggest smile on her face, looking radiant in her beautiful dress. ‘It feels surreal.’ ‘I completely agree. These years have just flown by – it just feels wrong that you guys are getting married and settling down. Make sure you don’t get married for a long time, y/n. I’m not ready to see you get married yet,’ he says with a grin, the girl bursting into laughter.

‘I can’t wait too long. You’re starting to get old an-’ ‘You cheeky little-’ he exclaims, hitting the girl with a napkin. Lia’s old aunties shoot them dirty looks and they try to stifle their laughter, but it only makes everything funnier, the two of them giggling into their hands like little schoolkids. ‘You might be joking, but I’m afraid you’re right, y/n. We are getting old, so don’t wait too long. I think… in ten years should be fine,’ he says with a grin, her mouth falling open. ‘Ten years? I’ll be ancient by then!’ ‘Watch your mouth,’ he says warningly, an amused glint in his eyes.

‘If I’m being totally honest, I can see you getting married next. I think someone out there will have enough sense to put a ring on you soon,’ he says, trying to sound all mystical, but he makes it sound like a threat instead, and she can’t help but laugh. ‘No, I don’t think so. I feel like I’m destined to just be a bridesmaid for the rest of my life.’ ‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You’ll find the right one. Maybe it’s that boyfriend of yours,’ he says tentatively, as though testing the waters, and when she remains silent, her smile slipping a little, he backtracks.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him up.’ ‘No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It’s… silly.’ ‘I don’t think things are ever silly with you and that boy, y/n. You two seem to have problems that are more serious than any other couple I know. And you’re not even married!’ ‘We’re not even together at all, Mr Choi. He called me single today,’ she says with a sad smile, and his mouth falls open. ‘Where is he?’ he says, clenching his hands into fists menacingly, and she laughs, shaking her head. ‘No, no, it’s okay. I’ll get over it,’ she says, but he’s distracted, looking around the room.

‘Okay, seriously… where is he? I haven’t seen him all night, and I can’t see him now. And this is supposed to be his seat, right?’ he asks, obviously picking up on how the table settings in front of the seat are untouched, how he’s the first person to have sat in that seat all night, and she nods reluctantly, the man shaking his head. ‘Where is he, y/n?’ ‘He’s been an idiot, and… we’re dealing with it,’ she says vaguely, and he raises an eyebrow.

The kids have managed to hide Hyunjin’s addiction from all of their parents for years. The parents have their suspicions, of course, but it’s never been confirmed to them, because they’ve never seen him do drugs. They’ve seen him whilst he’s high, without even realising – he’s pretty much himself when he’s high, just a little hyper or chill – so he’s managed to get away with his addiction for years.

Before Mr Choi can reply, Seungmin’s voice comes from behind them. ‘y/n. You’re up,’ he says gravely, and she takes a deep breath. ‘He’s definitely okay for me to talk to him?’ she asks, Seungmin nodding. ‘I’m sorry to leave you, Mr Choi, but I gotta…’ ‘Don’t worry about it. You have my phone number so call me if something happens. Okay?’ he says, obviously wanting to intervene but not wanting to overstep, and she nods with a small smile.

The walk to the car feels like it stretches over a lifetime, her nerves growing and her legs feeling weaker with each step. It’s past sunset now, but there’s still the warm glow of a beautiful dusk over the manor grounds, the cooling air making her shiver. When she approaches Seungmin’s car, she sees that Hyunjin is sat on the boot, looking towards the lake with a blank face. She feels relief flood through her when he turns his gaze towards her and his eyes aren’t red anymore. This is him sober, or as sober as he’s been in a long time. Lia wasn’t exaggerating when she said that he’s always high or drunk – he even showed up to the ceremony this morning with the faint scent of vodka on his lips.

Neither of them say anything as she joins him, settling beside him on the boot, making sure her dress isn’t touching the floor. ‘That dress really suits you. You look… amazing,’ he murmurs quietly, looking back at the lake. ‘Thanks. And you look handsome in your suit,’ she says softly, feeling her heart flutter a little when his lips quirk up at the corners and he turns his head away with embarrassment.

He’s dressed in a standard black tux with a white shirt underneath it, but the outfit’s simplicity doesn’t stop it from accentuating his lean and slim figure nicely, the colour setting off his honey skin. His soft black hair falls over his forehead into his eyes, and silver rings adorn his long fingers. The tie hanging from his neck is the same blue as her dress, and it reminds her of when they matched his tie and her dress at high school prom all those years ago, the memory bringing a fond smile to her face.

‘Thanks,’ he says quietly, and they fall back into silence. A sudden gust of wind blows, carrying the lilt of faint birdsong, and the trees lean from its force, their leaves brushing against each other. She shivers, bringing her arms around herself, hands clutching onto her own shoulders, and he instantly begins to shrug off his jacket, handing it to her without looking in her direction. She thanks him softly, taking the jacket and pulling it around herself, feeling the echo of his body warmth in its inner lining. He rarely wears any aftershave or cologne – his natural scent is more than enough to make him smell good – but the scent of the Dior spray she bought him for his last birthday fills her senses.

‘I’m really sorry,’ he says suddenly, eyes still on the lake, and she lets out a gentle laugh. ‘It’s not me you need to apologise to. It’s not my wedding – it’s Lia’s,’ she says gently, no anger in her voice at all. She can’t be angry at him when he’s all subdued like this. ‘I know, and I owe Lia an apology too. But… I’ve owed you an apology for a long time, y/n. For so many things.’ She doesn’t say anything, not quite sure what to say, and he takes her silence as a sign to continue, neither of them looking at each other.

‘I… I’m sorry I said to you that you should get a boyfriend. I shouldn’t have called you single – it was nasty, and it wasn’t true. I don’t really know what we are, but we are something,’ he says in a small voice, sounding earnest, and she just sighs. ‘Then… why did you say it? Why did you… want to be nasty to me?’ she asks shakily, tears welling up in her eyes again, and he’s completely silent, showing no sign of answering her question.

‘I don’t understand. Every time you do these things to me, all I can think is that I just don’t understand. I deserve better than you – that’s what you say – but no matter what you do, I still want you, and I don’t understand that either. Why do I keep coming back to you when you treat me like shit? I’m doing it right now. Look how you spoke to me earlier, and I’m sat out here with you instead of being with Lia on her wedding day. Why do I do this? And why do you do this to yourself? You run from the person you need the most. No matter how much I think about it, I just don’t know why you do it. But it has to stop, Hyunjin. It has to stop,’ she says tearily, sobs breaking up her words, and he feels his heart breaking as he listens to her.

He wordlessly moves closer to her, pulling her into his arms, and she rests her head on his chest, trying her best to calm herself down as he comforts her, running his hand over her hair soothingly. ‘I was good this morning. Yeah, I took a couple shots before I left the house, but they were just to give me energy after the pills I took last night. But I was good, I was happy,’ he begins, voice quiet, and she feels a glimmer of hope at the prospect that he’s finally gonna open up to her, tell her something of substance rather than the usually vague things he tells her (she wanted to slam her head into the wall that time he spent ages building up to a big confession for it to be ‘I stay high because I don’t like being sober’).

‘And then, after the ceremony, while you guys were taking bridesmaids pictures, I overheard your parents talking to Ryujin’s parents. They were talking about how happy they are for Lia, how beautiful she looks, and then the conversation changed to you,’ he continues, tears appearing in his eyes and the girl waits nervously for the rest of the story.

He relives the moment as he tells her about it. How he heard her name come up in the conversation, his heart skipping a beat just at the mention of her, and he started listening a little more eagerly. How he couldn’t help the smile on his face when they spoke about how beautiful she’ll look on her wedding day. How he felt like he’d had his heart ripped out when her father mentioned his worries about who his daughter will marry, and how he hopes it won’t be her ‘no-good deadbeat failure of a boyfriend’ because he feels – no, he knows – that ending up with Hyunjin will mean she’ll end up heartbroken.

She bursts into tears as soon as he finishes telling her, and he’s so endeared by her reaction that he can’t help but chuckle, holding her just a little closer as the tears spill down his face. ‘Hyunjin, why didn’t you just tell me?’ she asks quietly once the sobs have stopped forcing their way up her throat. She sits back up, their shoulders touching, and he intertwines his hand with hers, a sad smile on his face. ‘What was I supposed to say? ‘I overheard your dad talking about how much he hates me and my first good mood this entire year is ruined because of it’? That’s not exactly a great conversation to have at your best friend’s wedding.’ ‘Yeah, but it’s a better conversation to have than the one we’re having right now,’ she points out, and he chuckles, nodding in agreement.

‘I know this probably won’t change anything, but you should know that my dad’s opinion on you doesn’t matter to me-’ ‘But, y/n, it’s true. He’s right. I am a no-good deadbeat failure. My life is meaningless. I don’t bring anything to the table. I don’t contribute anything positive to your life, to anyone’s life. You probably would end up heartbroken if you married me. Which is why you can’t marry me. You can’t be with me, y/n. I know I say this all the time, but you do deserve better than someone like me. I wish I was more of a man, but I’m not. All I do is neglect you, and put myself above you,’ he says softly, and she just stares at him with such an intense mix of emotions – anger, sorrow, guilt, hurt, confusion, longing – that she doesn’t even know what to say.

‘But I love you,’ she whispers eventually, and he brushes back her hair with an affectionate smile. ‘And I love you too. More than I have ever loved anything. More than anyone has ever loved anything. You are my entire life, y/n. And that’s the problem. My life is you, drugs and alcohol. You have so much more in your life – you have such a potential for success – but being with me will only drag you down. It’s what I’m already doing to you – slowly dragging you down.’ ‘But Hyunjin, you have such a potential for success too! You could have so much fulfilment in your life. You could be so much more.’ ‘But I’m not, and I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think I’ll ever get sober,’ he whispers hesitantly, fear in his eyes, and it’s so clear to her in that moment that he hates this. The thought of living like this for the rest of his life scares him, but he feels like there’s nothing he can do to change that.

She’s silent for a moment, debating whether or not she should say what she wants to say, but she throws caution to wind and decides to contradict everything she and their friends have been saying to him for years. ‘You don’t have to get sober,’ she says slowly, his eyes widening. ‘What?’ ‘I know I’ve been saying that you need to get sober, but I’ve been thinking about it, and… it’s like weight-loss,’ she says, the boy laughing. ‘Getting sober is like weight-loss?’ ‘Yeah! Think about it; if you go from eating junk food every day and never exercising, to never eating any junk food and working out for three hours every day, it’s just not gonna work. You have to do it slowly, you know? Make lifestyle changes instead. Slowly incorporate exercise into your daily routine. Learn healthier recipes and make better choices with food that you buy.’

He processes her words, holding back laughter at her metaphor, and asks, ‘So you’re saying… I need to just slowly start taking less drugs?’ ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying! We shouldn’t expect you to get sober overnight – it probably won’t work if we try to do it like that. But if you just start taking less and less, then it’ll be an easier process. And I don’t even expect you to get completely sober. A couple xans or a joint at a party, or even a couple lines wouldn’t kill you. That’s what the other boys do. It’s about moderation. It’s about not getting high again as soon as you feel yourself coming down,’ she says pointedly, and he lets out a sigh.

‘It sounds like a great idea, y/n, but… the drugs keep me alive. They might be slowly killing me, but they’re also keeping me alive. As soon as I feel myself coming down, it all comes back. The hurt, the trauma, the self-hatred, the loneliness and the crippling pain of my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but there’s something very wrong with me, because when I’m sober, I want to die. When I’m sober, I don’t have any reasons to live,’ he confides in a gentle voice, holding her hand tight, and her heart sinks at his admission. ‘Well… maybe I could give you some?’ she whispers, his lips curling up into a small smile, and he puts an arm around her, pulling her close and pressing his lips to her temple. ‘Maybe you could, angel. I should at least let you try. But I can’t promise it’ll work,’ he murmurs against her skin, and she feels her heart lift with hope. This is more than he’s ever let her try before.

‘Okay. We’ll start with trying to… fix you tomorrow,’ she says, and his eyes widen. ‘Tomorrow?’ ‘Yes, tomorrow. If we keep putting it off, we’ll never get around to it. Tonight, you can go inside, say hi to everyone and apologise for your… antics, and when all of Lia’s family have left, you can get high with the boys. Then, after we see Lia off on her honeymoon, we’re starting with… ‘Operation: Help Hyunjin’. Okay?’ she asks, and he nods with a small smile. ‘Okay.’ ‘Promise me you’ll try. If I show up to your house in the morning and you’re not there, like all those other times, I’m gonna be really upset. I love you, but I can’t put up with you running from me for much longer. So I want you to actually try this time.’

‘I promise I won’t run from you. And I promise I’ll try, for you.’ ‘No. It’s not for me – it’s for you. It’s for your happiness, your future. The motivation for this needs to be you. You owe it to yourself to live a better life. Nobody else but you.’ ‘Okay. I’ll promise I’ll try. For me,’ he smiles, tilting her head up to press a gentle kiss to her lips, making her heart flutter. He chuckles at the dazed look on her face, jumping down from the boot of the car. He puts two big hands on her waist and helps to lift her down, leading her back up to the wedding.

‘You look so cute in my jacket,’ he chuckles, and she instantly begins taking it off. ‘No, angel, it’s cold!’ ‘My dress is so pretty, though. I don’t wanna cover it up. And we’re going inside now anyway,’ she says, handing him his jacket back, and he pulls it on as his eyes trail up and down her body. ‘I guess the dress is pretty. Not as pretty as you, though,’ he murmurs, and she rolls her eyes, unable to hold back a giggle. ‘That was a terrible line.’ ‘Who says it was a line? The only lines I do are coke.’ ‘…Not funny, Jin.’ ‘Sorry.’

They walk towards the front door of the manor holding hands, their fingers interlaced, and Hyunjin spots a little flower bush a few feet away. ‘Hold on,’ he says, letting go of her hand and picking one of the flowers. They’re blush pink, the same colour as the corsage he bought her from prom, and he holds it up to her with a grin, a small smile on her face as he lifts up her hair to tuck it behind her ear. It might not match the dress, but he thinks she looks beautiful, and she’s so touched that he remembers such a small detail from so long ago. Pink peonies have been her favourite flowers since he bought her that corsage, because every time she sees one, she thinks of him.

‘You look perfect,’ he murmurs, pressing his lips to hers again, and she sighs gently into the kiss, his lips curling into a smirk as he wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer. ‘Wanna come back to mine tonight?’ he asks once they break apart, and she rolls her eyes. ‘Really?’ ‘Yes. Your dad doesn’t want us to get married? Cool. He never said anything about us having a kid,’ he grins, and she laughs. ‘Very funny.’ ‘I’m kinda not kidding,’ he says with bright eyes, and her mouth falls open. ‘Seriously?’ ‘Yeah. I’ve always wanted a kid with you. They’ll be the most amazing kid on earth,’ he grins, the girl still not sure whether he’s joking or not, and she’s silent for a long few moments. ‘Fine, I’ll make you a deal. You get to some form of sobriety, and then I’ll get pregnant. How does that sound?’ she asks, and he lets out a whoop of joy, sweeping her up into his arms and spinning her, their laughter carrying in the wind. ‘Sounds perfect to me, y/n.’

The bridal march begins suddenly, the guests all falling quiet, and her bridesmaids make their way in one by one. Yeji, Lia, Ryujin, Chaeryeong and Yuna all have genuinely happy smiles on their faces, wearing matching dresses the same colour as the blush pink peony bouquets that they all hold, bouquets designed by the bride herself. The flowers are a main point of decoration – no matter where you look in the room, you’ll see a pink peony within your peripheral vision.

Hyunjin feels anticipation building inside him, unable to keep the smile off his face when his son enters after the bridesmaids, throwing pink flower petals with a mischievous smile on his face. You’d think he’d resemble Hyunjin, and he does in a way, with his soft fluffy hair and handsome good looks, but when Hyunjin looks at him, all he can see is her. Their son got her beautiful eyes, her beautiful smile, her beautiful heart, and he couldn’t be happier about it.

She enters after their son, the entire room gasping at how beautiful she looks. Hyunjin feels his eyes fill with tears, not at her perfect dress or perfect hair and makeup, but her perfect smile, complete and utter happiness on her face. He desperately tries to blink back the tears, eyes flitting to her father beside her, their arms linked together. He looks a lot older than Hyunjin remembers, but looking around, he realises they all look a lot older than he remembers. It’s been a long and difficult few years for all of them, her most of all.

With each step she takes, he feels himself getting more and more emotional, in disbelief at how perfect she looks, how happy she looks. She reaches the end of the aisle and joins her fiancé at the altar, handing her bouquet to her bridesmaids and taking Jisung’s hands into her own, the boy smiling unbelievably widely. He looks like the happiest man in the world.

Hyunjin watches, from right behind Jisung, as the love of his life marries his best friend, the smiles not leaving their faces for a single moment. Despite the hurt, the jealousy, the longing he feels for her, he also feels happy for her, and grateful towards Jisung. Grateful to him for being the boyfriend that Hyunjin could never be, and being the father that Hyunjin could never be. And as they kiss, sealing their promise of love, and Hyunjin’s son runs up to his mother and the man that he thinks is his father, the three of them making the happiest family on earth, Hyunjin feels paralysing regret fill him.

Regret about the drugs. Regret about the alcohol. Regret that he couldn’t prove anyone wrong. Regret about the fact that he hurt her, and ran from her, when she’s the one that he needs the most, the one he’s always needed the most. Regret that he couldn’t be more of a man. Regret that he couldn’t get sober, not for her, or their son, or even for himself.

Once the ceremony’s over, and the happy couple are taking their photos in the gardens, the guests watching on with affectionate smiles, Hyunjin’s friends gather around him, giving him brief hugs or squeezing his hand comfortingly, and he’s not sure whether it’s making him feel better or worse. The photographer calls for a picture of the happy couple with the best man, and his eyes meet with hers, a small smile on her face as he heads towards the two of them.

‘Your flower’s about to fall off,’ Jisung points out when Hyunjin joins them, and without a moment of hesitation, she lifts her hands to his lapel to fix it. ‘It’s like prom all over again – me fucking up my flower, and you spending most of the night fixing it,’ Hyunjin jokes, the girl laughing while she re-pins his pink peony boutonniere, and Jisung feels a pang of pain in his heart as he watches them. They look like they should be the bride and groom – the way she fixes his flower with the softest hands and the utmost care, the way he gazes at her with nothing but love in his eyes, the two of them laughing quietly – and even though Jisung understood his reference, he still feels left out, as though he’s the third wheel intruding on an inside joke.

They get into position for the photo, Jisung on her right and Hyunjin on her left, both of them with an arm around the bride, and she holds her bouquet, the three of them smiling in the sunlight as though they’re the happiest people in the world. Hyunjin looks like the proud best friend, successfully hiding his jealousy of Jisung and his love for her. Jisung looks like the elated groom, successfully hiding his jealousy of Hyunjin and his longing to feel her love the way his best friend always has and always will. And she looks like the picture of the bride glowing with happiness, successfully hiding her yearning for the reversal of the boys’ roles, her desire for Jisung to be the proud best friend and Hyunjin to be the elated groom. The three of them are so tragic and they don’t even know it, don’t even know the truth about each other’s desires.

Their son comes running over, wanting to get into the picture, and it’s like he knows the truth because he decides to stand between the bride and the best man rather than the bride and the groom. She feels panic fill her, not sure whether or not she should move her son, but the photographer begins taking pictures before any of them can act.

It’s almost as though the photographer’s worked them out, like he can see right through the three of them and their lies, because he suggests taking photos of the best man and the happy couple’s son, the three of them exchanging a glance before the bride and groom move away. Hyunjin lifts his son into his arms, the boy completely oblivious to Hyunjin’s inner turmoil, and he just wraps his arms around the man that he knows as his uncle, smiling widely for the camera.

The bride watches them from behind the photographer, and it’s only when Jisung walks away wordlessly that she registers the loving smile on her face which falters quickly. ‘y/n,’ the girl hears, and she tears her eyes away from Jisung’s retreating back, turning to look at Hyunjin’s mother, and the guilt fades away into excitement. ‘Mrs Hwang! Thank you so much for coming!’ the bride exclaims, throwing her arms around the woman she holds dear in her heart. ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. You look so beautiful. I’m so happy for you,’ she says, holding the girl tight, and once they break apart, their eyes both wander to Hyunjin and his son, posing for pictures.

‘I’ve just noticed, y/n, how much your son looks like my son,’ Mrs Hwang murmurs, the bride silent for a moment as she watches her boys laugh together, the photographer capturing the moment. ‘I personally think he gets his looks from me. His personality is all Hyunjin, though,’ she says mildly, Mrs Hwang giving the girl a sad smile. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart. I really thought he’d get his act together.’ ‘So did I, Mrs Hwang. But it’s okay. Jisung makes me happy.’ ‘I’m glad. You deserve to be happy,’ she says wistfully, the two of them still watching their boys laughing together. ‘Come and visit me soon, y/n. And bring your son. I’d quite like to meet him again, knowing what I know,’ Mrs Hwang says quietly, the bride nodding with a smile, holding the tears back.

Hyunjin notices his mother walking away from the bride, and he feels hope in his heart when his eyes lock with those of the girl that he loves, and he sees love reflected back at him, a sad smile on her face. Does she still love him? Is she wishing that she’d married him instead of his best friend? Is she wondering what her life would be like if they were the newly-weds, and their son knew the truth about his father?

But the moment is fleeting, because the sadness disappears from her smile, making him question whether it was even there in the first place, and her loving eyes are on her son instead, not Hyunjin. And suddenly, the realisation hits him. The realisation that she doesn’t love him. That she loves Jisung. And he can never call her his again. And in the few moments before his world comes crashing down, he feels the familiar itch in his fingers, the desperation to reach into his pocket and pull out the little plastic packet, full of the stuff that pushes his pain away.

So he holds it together for the last few photos before heading off towards his car with the tears in his eyes blurring the path in front of him, his absence almost entirely unnoticed in all the excitement. But she watches him with their son in her arms, feeling the crack in her heart grow with each step he takes, wishing with all her might that she could go running after him, get into his car with him so he can drive the three of them away to their own little world of happiness. And Jisung watches her, the longing and love in her eyes so clear as she watches his best friend, and he knows in that moment that his hopes that she’ll one day love him as much as she loves Hyunjin are delusional, that he’s signed his life over to being second best in the eyes of the person he loves more than anyone in the world.

Maybe the three of them are truly happy in another world, but certainly not in this one.

[dc41896]

Grown Up

Happy belated Thanksgiving🦃! I wanted to post this before or on the actual day, but time got the best of me. Hope you guys like it!

Pairing: Chris EvansxBlack Reader

⚠️: None, all fluff☺️!

Following the delicious smell of ham, turkey, dressing, and other Thanksgiving dishes, River’s stomach growls peeking on his tip toes over the table at the various foods spread across it. Ever since the three of you flew in the day before, he couldn’t wait to dig into all his favorite foods and eat until his little belly felt swollen.

“Mommy, can we eat now?,” he asks as you walk by with yet another dish in your hands to put on the table.

“Not yet, but everything’s almost done. I’ll come get you when it’s time okay?”

“Kay.” Sighing, he makes his way to the living room hearing his cousins going back and forth as they shout out random directions leaving him confused.

“What’s that?,” he asks standing beside his two older cousins, Nick and Kira, sat on the leather ottoman.

“Fortnite,” Nick answers not taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. “No! Don’t go that way, meet me by the lake.”

Watching the animated characters jumping and running about as they sporadically built things to hide in, he found himself drawn to the screen and wanting to participate himself since they seemed to be having so much fun laughing and high-fiving as a different character disappeared.

“Can I play?”

“Um maybe later River, we still got a while before this game ends,” Kira answers taking a break to push her glasses higher on her nose before returning to her hurried button mashing as an armed group approaches them.

“When’s that?”

“We don’t know.”

“Why?”

“Because-dang! Quick revive me!”

“I am! River go sit down, we gotta focus. Plus your mom and dad may not even want you playing since you’re too little.”

“Am not,” he pouts crossing his arms across his chest.

“Are too, you’re only four. This game is for big kids like us,” Nick countered making River even more upset.

“I’m big boy too!”

“And I’m tired of y’all going back and forth!,” another one of his older cousins, Mary, interjects from the couch with her feet propped up. “I’m having an important conversation over here.”

“What important conversation? You’re just talking to your boyfriend,” Kira teases making her roll her eyes before placing the phone back up to her ear.

Clearly his cousins wouldn’t be letting him play anytime soon.

So with a huff, he turns around heading back to the kitchen until he hears groans and cheers erupt from the basement, where those who weren’t helping in the kitchen watched the football game.

Carefully stepping down the steps while holding onto the railing, he finds his dad, oldest cousins, uncles, and some aunts all spread out in chairs and on the sectional couch chatting about the last play as they drank from red plastic cups.

“Hey bubs!,” Chris smiles patting his knee for him to join him. “You okay?”

Lifting his arms so he could be picked up, he shrugs his shoulders playing with his father’s bigger hand.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t play.”

“Play what?”

“For tight.”

“For tight?,” he asks raising an eyebrow. “What is that?”

“A game daddy. You jump and and hide and go bye.”

Before he could press any further on this very unique sounding game, the loud cheers steal his attention as he looks up to see a 49ner’s player run an intercepted ball in for a touchdown making him groan and River cover his ears from the commotion.

“Chris you might as well give it up man, the Pats not coming back anytime soon,” your younger brother, Carter, smirks sipping from his cup.

“I wouldn’t get too cocky yet. Remember we’re the top team at second half comebacks,” he retorts matching his smirk.

“You mean you were the top team. Now that your precious Brady is gone y’all haven’t had too many comebacks.”

“Okay yea losing Brady was a bit of a hit, but we’re still good! We just gotta get use to the new quarterback.”

“Hm are you really still good though?,” Carter asks cocking his head to the side.

“Like the niners are doing any better! You have the same record as us!”

Rather than sit and listen to his dad and uncle argue over teams, he hops down eventually meeting you halfway up the steps.

“Food ready now?”

“Yes sweetheart everything’s ready and you can eat,” you giggle watching him excitedly bounce up and down. “And everyone else in here, food is done! Come eat!”

“Mommy, I sit with you and daddy?”

“No bubs, you sit at the kids table with your cousins remember? Like last year.”

“I want to be with you and daddy.”

“Sorry love, there’s not enough room at the big table. Daddy and I won’t be far away though.”

Following you up the stairs and to the dining room, he wished the kid table never existed. All of his cousins were older than him by at least six years, so he felt alone as they tapped on their phones and told jokes only they understood. Not that they completely ignored him, it’s just their conversation with him wasn’t as long as the conversations they had with each other. As he watched you, Chris, and the other adults talking and laughing he wasn’t really in the mood for food anymore and wished the three of you were back at the hotel, or home even.

“Ma, we’re going outside to play!,” one of his cousins excitedly announced as they rose from their seats at the kids table barely pushing their chairs in.

“Aht! Did y’all throw away your trash first?,” his aunt Jackie asked making Kira sigh clearly wishing they could be outside already.

“Yes.”

“Alright go ahead, and be careful,” she answers as the older kids rush outside.

“Mommy I play too?,” River asks walking over to squeeze between you and Chris.

“Sure sweetie. After I’m finished we can go play.”

“No mommy, play with them.”

“Oh,” you reply looking outside to see the bigger kids, and a couple of the adults splitting up into teams as a football was casually tossed back and forth. “I don’t know River, they’re playing football and-,”

“I like football!,” he beams making you giggle.

“I know bubs, but you’re smaller than your cousins and I don’t want you getting hurt.” At your words, his smile falls and head hangs slightly. You, his dad, and even his grandparents always told him how he was such a big boy now, so why he couldn’t do these things not only confused him, but made him frustrated.

“But I’m a big boy...”

Turning on his heels, he stomps to the living room throwing himself on the couch hiding his head in one of the furry throw pillows beside him.

“You know mommy is just trying to look out for you right River?,” he hears as Chris approaches his spot on the couch, eventually squatting down beside him.

“Yes,” he sniffles turning to look at his father with red tinted eyes.

“Your cousins play a little rougher than what we play in the yard at home bud. That’s probably not a game a four year old should be in.”

“I wish I was old.” Softly chuckling, he wipes his son’s tears before leaning over to kiss his forehead.

“I know it seems fun, but trust me when I tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Honestly, I wish I was little like you again.”

“Really?”

“Yep,” he nods. “Being little comes with a lot more perks than you think. Like you can get all the toys, sleep in as much as you want, and you don’t have to worry about bills.”

“Bills?,” River asks sitting up.

“Yea they suck. Like how you feel about going to the dentist every year.”

“Ohh, yea bills are the worst,” he agrees shaking his head and making Chris laugh. “You can play games though. I can’t.”

There’s momentary silence as River fiddles with his hands and Chris looks at his son, taking his time to think how he could make everything better.

“Come with me,” he smiles holding his arms out so River could wrap his around his neck attaching himself to his dad.

“Hey, everything okay?,” you ask as they enter the dining room.

“Almost, I have an idea though that might help.”

“Chris...?”

“Trust me, it’s nothing crazy,” he chuckles kissing your cheek before heading out the back to meet with those playing in the yard.

———

Now finished helping wash the dishes and putting away the leftover food, you step outside in search of your two boys who surely had to be tired after spending over an hour outside. Plus with it getting late, you wanted to get back to the hotel before dark.

Sticking your head out the door, you see Chris and River running from one tree to the other trying not to be seen by everyone else playing. After whispering in his ear, Chris darts out shooting his Nerf gun at Kira and Nick each trying to reach the flag in the middle of the yard.

“Freeze! I got you!”

“Dangit!”

“That’s it, next round Chris is on my team.”

“Not if I get him first!”

As the two kids argue, River manages to dodge the shots from his other cousins reaching the flag and excitedly jumping up and down as he holds it over his head.

“Look! I got it daddy!,” River smiles as his dad jogs over to pick him up smiling himself.

“I see bubs! Good job!”

“Chris! River! You guys ready?,” you shout turning their attention towards the house.

“Mommy, I got the flag!,” River shouts back waving the bright orange, flimsy plastic in front of him.

“I see, congrats love! You guys ready to go? It’s getting late.”

“Aw do they have to leave already auntie Y/N? What about one more round?,” Nick asks wiping the sweat from his forehead.

“She’s right guys it’s getting late, we can pick it up tomorrow though,” Chris replies as they groan.

“Fine, we’ll play again tomorrow. This was a cool game idea River!,” Kira smiles giving him a high-five.

“Yea! It’s like our own version of Fortnite,” Nick adds making his little cousin shyly smile setting his forehead on his Chris’ shoulder.

Giving hug filled goodbyes to your remaining family members still hanging around, the three of you eventually get in your car ready to return to the hotel so you could get ready for bed. Not even 10 minutes in your ride, the sound of soft snores cause you to turn around finding your son peacefully sleeping with head slumped forward.

“Looks like your idea also tired him out,” you giggle. Peeking in the rear view mirror, Chris softly chuckles before letting out a short yawn himself. “Oh, is it past your bedtime too?”

“Um, did you just call me old?,” he smirks with hand on his chest.

“No of course not. I’d never disrespect my elders like that,” you tease causing him to gasp extending his arm to tickle your side. Covering your mouth to avoid waking River with your laughs, you’re finally able to push his hand away after a couple tries. “Stahp!”

“Don’t call me old.”

“I didn’t, I said elder which you technically are being older than me.”

“Well...then...don’t allude to me being or getting old. That’s not nice,” he pouts as he puts the car in park, turning to look at you with those heart melting blue eyes.

“I sowy. Forgive me?” Watching you bat your lashes trying to seem as innocent as you could, he can’t help but laugh bringing your face closer to his.

“Hmm...I guess,” he smiles pecking your lips.

“And thank you for fixing everything with River.”

“Babe you don’t have to thank me. It’s just part of my job being the world’s best dad,” he shrugs nonchalantly.

“And right now, most annoying,” you joke kissing his lips one more time.

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[sprnklersplashes]

he’s a prick but he’s my prick

(or: no one hurts michelle’s counsin except her) (warning for references to violence)

Michelle tosses the pen between her fingers, staring blankly at the page of maths problems on her lap, her feet tucked up underneath her on the sofa. Maths is such bullshit as far as she’s concerned. It’s not like she’s ever going to need to know how long the line on a triangle is. Most of the time, she gets James to help her, and by help, she means do it for her, but he had to go and join the drama club at school, didn’t he, and have to stay behind to rehearse for the Sound of Music. He was a shoo-in for the part, obviously. Though she’d have paid good money to see him putting on a frock and twirling around playing Maria.

Still, if he thinks she’s wasting time and money watching him prance about the stage in a fancy suit pretending to be a Da to four kids and struggling through Adeilweiss, he’s got another thing coming. Especially not with that insufferable Jenny Joyce playing his wee girl.

“Where is he?” her mum asks out loud, looking out the window. “Christ, he said rehearsals ended at five. I’ve no time to go out and pick him up if that’s what he’s looking.”

“Course he wouldn’t ask for a lift, Ma,” Michelle reminds her, scribbling down a few numbers, not really paying attention. “Too bloody polite for that.”

“Aye, well you could learn a wee bit from him in that regard,” Deidrie tells her, moving away from the window. She’s wearing a coat over her nurse’s uniform and glaring at the clock like she can make James appear at the door by sheer will power alone.

Michelle looks up at the clock herself, surprised to see it’s gone half five. The school is five minutes away by bus, and that bus comes every five minutes. Not surprised enough to be worried, despite the stupid nauseating feeling in her stomach.

“There he is now,” Deidrie sighs when they hear a key in the lock. “Christ he’s lucky he got home when he did.” Michelle goes back to her homework, waving her hand absentmindedly when she hears him shuffle into the room. “Jesus James what have you done to yourself!” her mother shrieks, making Michelle jump six feet in the air, nearly knocking over her tea.

But it’s the sight she sees when she turns that nearly makes her jump higher. James’ stupidly apologetic face is battered; his left eye is swollen and purple, as is his lip, which is bleeding, and there’s a nasty looking gash on his forehead, making his hair stick to it, not to mention a bruise on his right cheek and cut on his chin with blood smeared across his chin and down his neck. He’s carrying his blazer, and the sleeve of his jumper is torn. He can’t even stand straight, sort of helplessly swaying, like Michelle when she’s drunk.

“I’m fine, really,” he begins, but his voice is small.

“Aye, you look it, come here.” Deidrie grabs him by the arm and drags him into the kitchen. Michelle doesn’t hesitate in dropping her book and pen and following. She’s been tempted to give James a whack on more than one occasion, but this isn’t a whack. This isn’t even in the same neighbourhood as a whack. Deidrie sits him down at the table, despite his insistences that he’s okay. She gets out the Quality Street tin for medical supplies and begins taking everything out one by one, plasters, wipes, gauze, some ointment Michelle can never remember the name of, just that it stings like hell.

“I’m fine, Auntie Deidrie, really,” he says. “And don’t you have work tonight?” Michelle smirks to herself. He’s not as thick as he looks. Deidrie sighs, looking at the clock and back at him. She knows he’s right.

“First off, tell me what happened,” she orders. “No funny business. Tell me what happened.”

“It was my own fault,” he admits, shrugging then wincing. “I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I tripped.”

“You tripped?” Deidrie echoes.

“Yeah.” Deidrie looks at the clock with a resigned sigh.

“You go on, Mum, I’ll clean him up,” Michelle says.

“Do you know how to do all this?” she asks.

“Of course. I’ve seen you do it all the time. Now go.” Deidrie gives James another quick once-over before taking her back off the counter and rushing out the door. Michelle turns back to James with folded arms. He’s practically shrunk in his chair. “You must think we’re full of balls, don’t you?”

“I’m not entirely familiar with that particular expression,” he replies, neatly dodging the question.

“You must think we’re fucking stupid James!” she exclaims, grabbing the stuff from the counter and pulling over another chair so she can sit opposite him. If possible, he looks even worse up close. His eye is practically swollen shut, the blood around the cut on his forehead is still oozing out, and he’s having trouble focusing on Michelle. Given how swollen his lips are it’s amazing he can actually talk. “You did all this by tripping over?” She makes a start by wiping away the blood on his neck, then dabbing at the cut on his forehead.

“It was the street outside the shops,” he protests, wincing as she wipes his cut. “You know how hard that ground is. All those… uneven cobblestones.”

“James!” She would punch him herself if he wasn’t in such a state. “Cut the crap, okay? I’ve tripped on that street, far less sober than you are right now, and I’ve not come away like this so what bloody happened?”

James looks down at his hands, which are joined together in his lap. His chin starts wobbling and she nearly screams. If he starts crying she’ll finish what whoever did this started.

“Don’t tell Auntie Deidrie,” he says, his voice thick. “Swear you won’t tell her, Michelle. Scratch that, won’t tell anyone. Not your mum, not Erin, or Clare or Orla, or anyone. Promise?”

“Right, fine I promise,” she says.

“I popped into the shop on my way back,” he whispers. “Just wanted a bit of sugar. While I was in there, there were these three lads from the boy’s school in the line behind me. I guess they heard me talk. Heard my accent.” He presses his hands tighter together. “And so when I was coming out they jumped on me, this one lad. Asked me where I was from. What I was doing in Derry.”

“What did you tell him?” she asks. He’s ducked his head so low she can’t see his face, but his shoulders are shaking. She feels sick to her stomach and she wasn’t even there.

“The truth. I just thought if I told them the truth they’d leave me alone,” he explains. “They didn’t. It’s all kind of a blur, to be honest. One pushed the down, then rolled me over and just started hitting me. They ran off when someone came out of the shop and threatened to call the police. He offered me a lift home but I told him I could walk it.”

Michelle feels like she’s going to vomit. She knew back when James first moved here that people wouldn’t love the English thing, heck that’s why he puts on a green blazer and sits behind her on the bus annoying her and holding Erin’s hand, making her want to boke, every morning. But there’s a big difference between knowing it might happen and seeing the after effects of it happening, and it makes her hands shake. They should be over this by now, both sides should. And going after a little prick like James who can hardly defend himself…

“Who were they?” she asks, tilting James’ chin up so she can wipe ointment on his cut. “I want names.”

“It’s not like I asked,” he replies. “Did you think I’d stop in the middle of being beat up to ask for names-ow! That really stings, Michelle!”

“Ah you’re such a baby,” she tells him. “Right no names, faces. Give me faces.”

“It’s not like I had a camera with me,” he protests. She keeps quiet for now, keeping cleaning him up. “Thanks. You don’t have to do this.”

“Aye course I do,” she says without thinking, and he starts smiling despite the cut on his lip. “Well it’s not like you could do it yourself and my mam would kill me if I let you bleed over her tablecloth.” Still, the smile doesn’t fade. She patches him up with gauze on the forehead and a plaster on the chin and cheek. She gets up and goes to the freezer. They don’t have ice packs, but she gets a beg of frozen peas for his eye. “You look like such a prick.”

“I know,” he mutters, holding the peas over his swollen eye.  He moves to stand and she rises with him.

“Still not willing to rat them out?”

“Even if I knew their names I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Do you want to… maybe… talk about it?”

He raises his eyebrows at her, utterly in shock, and she rolls her eyes back.

“Look, I’m new at this, okay?”

“It’s fine,” he sighs. “And really… all I want to do is lie down.” He needs it too. She doesn’t want to let him go, but she also knows she won’t win this, so she nods and lets him pass. Before he goes, he grabs her wrist, looking pleadingly at her. “You won’t tell?”

“Snitches get stitches,” she says. “And you’ve had enough of them.”

She watches as he makes his way to the stairs, staggering slightly. Her hands curl into fists, acrylic nails pressing into her palms.

She thinks how long it’s been since she was in a fight.

                                                                                                               *****

The next day, they’re at the shop Michelle and James outside while Erin, Orla and Clare buy their morning pick n mix. They lean against the wall, warm in their woollen blazers in the spring weather. Still, James seems to be wearing his like a suit of armour.

“Are you okay?” she asks him quietly. The bruises are still standing out starkly on his pale face. She imagines he’ll get all sorts of questions from Sister Michael, and she knows the ‘tripped while walking’ excuse won’t work with her and her zero bullshit tolerance policy. It barely worked on Erin and Clare, though it definitely worked with Orla, but everything works for her.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he replies.

“You know, once Jenny Joyce sees you, she’ll probably get the entire cast of the Sound of Music to sign a wee card for you,” she jokes, and laughs as he groans.

“Don’t tell me that.”

“With a wee teddy bear as well,” she cackles. “Imagine Erin if she finds out Jenny Joyce is sending you teddies.”

“She’d go ballistic,” he agrees, smiling. But the smile soon fades when a group of lads their age from Christian Brothers come down the street, laughing obnoxiously and whooping. James keeps pressing his back to the brick wall like he can disappear into it, his face turning grey. His gaze drops to the floor when they start coming in their direction.

“Is that them?” she asks in a low voice. “James is that them?” All he can do is nod quickly. They pass by them, glaring daggers at James, and Michelle manages to get a good look at them. “Holy crap, that middle one, the skinhead, he’s Eoin McConnor.”

“You know him?”

“I shagged him.” If she didn’t regret shagging him before she sure as fuck does now. The little shite.

Still, at least they shagged at his place. And his mates live close by. And she knows just the place to wait for them.              

                                                                                               *****

Michelle sits in wait, crouching behind a small shed next to the shop, keeping her eye on the bus stop. She pulls her black jacket tighter around her, her hair pulled into a tight ponytail. She’s even forgone wearing hoops, despite how naked she feels without them. She’s seen first hand what happens to hoop earrings when someone’s in a fight. First year, Christmas party, Jessica Moore. Wasn’t pretty.

She hears them before she sees them, hollering as they jump off the bus. Probably didn’t even thank the bus driver. Lucky she’s here to beat some manners into them, otherwise their mammies would have to do it for them.

“Here, you lot,” she yells, coming out from behind her hiding place. The turn to face her, two of them with their noses wrinkling, but Eoin lets out a loud laugh. Too loud.

“What about you, Michelle?” he asks, and turns to his mates, tapping one in the chest. “This here’s Michelle. Sure didn’t I tell you about her? She’s the one I did at the Halloween party last year.”

“Do you go around telling your mates about every girl you shag?” she asks. “Or am I just special?”

“Oh aye,” one of his mates says. “The one with the English cousin?”

“Aye, the one with the English cousin,” she confirms. Her fists are clenched already and she’s itching to get the firs swing in.

“He’s such a prick!” the third exclaims, leaning on his friend.

“Hey!” she explodes. “He might be a prick. But I am the only one who gets to call him a prick!”

“Here, calm the fuck down Michelle,” Eoin says. “Sure what’s the problem?”

“The problem is my cousin came in last night looking like hell!”

“Sure he always looks like that,” one snickers.

“I will thank you to shut the hell up!” she commands. “Now, I need to know, was it you lot who did that to him?” The three of them dissolves into pathetic laughter. “Answer me!”

“Aye, it was,” Eoin says, sauntering up to her. She forgets what she ever saw in him. “And so what if we did, Michelle. Come on, he was asking for it, for Christ’s sake.”

“You know something Eoin?” She steps closer and whispers in his ear. “Having a big dick means nothing if it’s mostly your personality.”

With that, she pulls her first back, and it hands right on Eoin’s jaw-

                                                                                                               *****

“Sweet Jesus, Michelle,” Deidrie sighs. “I swear between you and James I’ll be running out of supplies. It’s like a bloody warzone in here!”

Michelle sits at the kitchen table, wincing from the ointment her mum dabs on the scrape on her china and gash on her forehead. She’s also got a black eye to match James’, albeit not as swollen. She knows how to defend herself.

“And these girls just jumped out on top of you?” she asks.

“Aye, didn’t even see them coming. Not even Big Mandy and she’s not what you’d call light on her feet,” she answers. “Lucky I’ve got such sharp reflexes.” She smirks to herself. Eoin especially will have fun trying to explain how he got that particular bruise on his cheekbone. Lucky she remembered to wear the gold rings that night.

“Right, that should do it love,” she says. “I don’t know if I want the two of you wandering around alone now if this carry on is happening.”

“Well, Erin’s insistent on walking me home after rehearsal from now on,” James says from where he leans on the counter. “So you don’t need to worry about me.”

“Oh I’m sure she wants to walk you home,” Michelle jokes, wiggling her eyebrows. James sighs heavily but doesn’t say anything.

“Right, I’m away to work,” Deidrie says. “Your daddy’s coming back in about half an hour. No funny business, you two.”

They hear the front door click shut, leaving them alone in the house. Michelle busies herself clearing away the medical stuff, while James just stands at the counter.

“Do you want to help out here, you dick?” she asks.

“You know, it’s odd that Big Mandy got the jump on you,” he says, not moving. “Considering how loud she is when she walks.”

“Aye, well I was in a world of my own,” she replies.

“And I didn’t even think she lived around there,” he continues. “And… oh yeah, she’s on the Paris trip right now, so she’s not in Derry at the moment.”

Fuck. How did she not notice that? Maybe school had been a little less intimidating and a little more peaceful without her around. Not that she’s intimidated by Mandy.

“Is she?” she asks casually. “Well must have been someone who looked a lot like her.”

“Does anyone look like Mandy?” he asks, snorting. “You know there’s a rumour that some girl was in a fight tonight. Heard it while I was in the supermarket with your mum. She took on three boys from Christian Brothers.” The room falls quiet and Michelle’s heart begins to get louder. She doesn’t even look at James, but she can feel the stupid smile on his face. Her own face flushes red. God she hates being caught in a lie. It happens nearly every time she does it and she hates it each time.

Suddenly, James’ arms are around her waist, pulling her tightly against him. Her whole body freezes, but she finds her arms around his shoulders too. She hopes to God he isn’t crying, because she can’t get snot all over this top. And he might set her off too.

“Thank you,” he whispers sincerely. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Course I did,” she insists, pulling away from him. “They’re dicks. They had to be taught some manners. And anyway…” She flicks him with a tea towel. “No one calls you a prick and roughs you up and gets away with it.”

“Except for you?” he asks cheekily. She should thump him or call him a dick for that. Instead, she just laughs.

“Aye, except for me.”