#there was a period where I used this blog to vent quite a lot

[culmaer]

¶

[reallyhardy]

actually i need to put some GOOD in my life onto the blog, bye bye 🩸period vent posts🩸, hello really wonderful experience i had recently:

so most months once a month i get my sweet sweet gig of outdoor art messy play with families at the art gallery in our garden. we make magic potions with leaves and water and sometimes dried tea and spices for extra magic, and we do mud painting with just like dirt that i dig out of a big hole in the ground.

it's THEEEE most fun i get to have, basically just rush around refilling buckets of water and seeing kids have fun learning about how to be creative with what there is around us to use (for free) but of course it generates a lot of mess...

well last summer during our outdoor play sessions i got quite a lot of different volunteers who would come help out on different days, and we encourage family volunteering where people can bring their kids and the kids get to wear volunteer t-shirts but we basically just tell them their job is to be in charge of 'fun'. anyway this one lady brought her twins, boy and girl, age about 6 on a few days and OMG these kids. such shining little humans, and always so ready to help out with tidying up. i remember by the end of summer i had to send their mum a message just to tell her what a great job she's done raising her two lil superstars honestly...

anyway last saturday i was doing the first outdoor art club of the year and it was getting to the last hour when this lady and her twins arrive and the absolute JOY on their faces 😭😭😭 never seen any child look happier to see me that wasn't a member of my family - or maybe more so i cannot lie. they were like "OMG LOREN'S HERE! the guy at the desk said it wasn't you running it today!" and i was like "WOAH well i am here and what a wonderful surprise to see you guys here!" like literally. so so sweet and adorable.

so we played around for a bit, they tried out painting and all the activities, anyway obviously i had still to attend to all the other visitors but i kept circling back, then when it was packdown time and me and the other facilitator started tidying... the twins came back around and kept on asking all the different ways to help out, they helped me rinse down all the mud paint palettes and put everything away, even helped me carry a bunch of easels inside... i kept trying to tell them "okay great job thank you for your help! i got this from here" but they were SO determined to make sure they helped me with every little thing 🥺 like obvs. little children i am much stronger than you yes i can lift this easel on my own and prob get it done way faster too but i SO so appreciate you wanting to help me.

anyway sent another message to their mum the next day just gushing about her lil critters, she sent me a whole heartfelt message back saying my thank you message is going in a scrapbook. just... so so sweet. maybe on those days, i literally DO have the best job ever i can't even deny it. for me it's perfect

[grapecaseschoices]

as the time approaches us, i just wanted to say that i am IMMEDIATEY sus of anyone who does not have an F mc (mainly @ those who have an mc for each ro EXCEPT F Hauville) and/or (doubly sus) doesn’t have any F content on their blog. 

as someone who's also black myself I definitely agree with the F hauville not being as popular, specially since friends to lovers seems to be quite a popular trope in if, specially when the character in question is white or ambiguously light brown/tan skinned, but the author never mentions where the character is actually from (I wish more authors put where the character is from in terms of ethnicity and nationality because the amount of white washed art/erased ethnic features in art I've seen generally in the IF community is not cute but anyways). I do have some problems with the way F and M are portrayed and treated by the author at times, specially when it comes to some of the racial stereotypes used and the portrayal of Sin, an assyrian character in Book 3 as a trapped man, but that's a point for another day. I absolutely adore Wayhaven but I do wish that F was treated better by the fandom. I think sometimes some fans kind of infantilise F and just brush them off as the sassy best friend with no other role in the story, which is kind of sad because if you actually play they're route you get to see that theres more to them than meets the eye in the same way that the other ros do.

why do i need to say more when you already said it all so well anon?

bloop! what more can i say to this? this is true facts. like i get that sometimes a lot of people ARE tired of that trope -- especially on tumblr; and people do love the angsty. But it is STILL a very popular trope for a reason. And I've seen with my own eyes how the sweet RO/best friend RO goes well over when they aren't black (and in certain circumstances, when they aren't a person of color period -- but especially when they aren't black*) that I can't fully buy that the preference argument isn't back with some racial bias. But whatever, people can make peace with themselves about it. I will remain sus.

have you been reading my brain anon? because that was going to be my NEXT bitchy/vent post. But I was like let me pace the dashes. But respect for put it all out there.

I need writers to bring back putting descriptions on their intro posts (they did it for a time but stopped) or doing a description post immediately. 1) Because of what you stated and 2) because I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time on a game that is fully white. /shrugs. I mean I guess it is good that, if they feel they can't write minoroities not to include them at all -- because as you said, I wouldn't want to invest in a story where the black and brown characters are then treated stereotypically. But that still doesn't mean that I want to read a story where the majority is white and the lone amibigously brown/East Asian RO is barely developed.

No, do go on anon. (When you feel like it that is!) I'd love to read your thoughts. I do think Sera has improved in respects of her writing of F and M as characters in the story, both in and out of their own routes. However, I do agree that the whole Sin thing did make me side-eye hard. I heard she's gotten sensitivity readers, so we shall see how that goes.

Well stated. This is, in the crux, is my frustration of the matter. That and the fact that this is STILL an issue. As I stated in my tags, I HAVE seen improvement -- but just going through the F Hauville tag shows how much F is still a general afterthought to the general tumblr fandom.

[evilbonehag]

Outlast AU: Normal Fucking People! EdVal friendship stupidity lets go-

(Warning for mentions of sexual assault for backstory reasons yk)

(Normal Fucking People is what I’ve lovingly named my slice of life Outlast AU where all the characters are haunt actors who scare people for a living)

• They bonded initially over loving horror and performance- they share details about their characters to each other that no one else knows. Their work at the Mount Massive/Temple Gate haunts originally got them talking and now they each realize how deeply their own lives and traumas affect the characters they play

• the weird kind of friendship where one of them is extremely put together and the other is always a fucking mess so it almost seems unfair (but it switches constantly because Eddie may be a homeowner but despite Val never having any money she is usually on the listening end when he’s got something to vent about and this is Often)

• Give the rancid vibes of a toxic couple (Constant gross pet names from Eddie, constant innuendos from Val, she likes to sit on his lap at parties and it weirds people out, they’re always hanging out and talking shit about people they hate etc etc)

• Really though, they’re each healing in their own way, its just a LOT. Val escaped an abusive Christian upbringing, Eddie has cpstd from childhood sexual abuse and they’ve each lived for 30-40 years and are JUST NOW trying to undo it all

• seriously Eddie didn’t even admit to himself that he was gay until a few months ago. Val suspected the whole time and definitely poked him about it and BOY would he get upset.

• meanwhile Eddie is a terrible great wingman for Val who is currently dealing with her giant gay crush on Marta. he’s just trying to learn how to not be overtly terrifying to be around (Hes WEIRDLY friendly. Marta hates this.)

• Eddie used to be visibly uncomfortable with being seen with Val in public in her goth-satanist-punk-what-have-you getup but they found the solution was not, in fact, to get Val to tone it down, but to get Eddie into wearing vintage. So now they’re getting into looking weird in public together, slowly but surely, and they’re quite the pair

•Eddie follows Val’s blog but he doesn’t have the attention span to Read All of That (Val writes essay-length blog posts and journals for fun, mostly about horror, sexuality, religion, human beings, etc.)

• Val is really well read and really good at talking. She has been able to get Eddie to listen to her musings very often when they smoke together

• it took Val a surprising amount of effort to get Eddie to be okay with getting high and he was a huge baby about it the first time they tried

• Eddie’s transition from “Can you please leave the spiked dog collar at home” to “Your tights need more holes in them, let me get the scissors-”

• Eddie has an oldies/musical theatre playlist for the car but Val hates upbeat showtunes more than anything. Eddie gives her rides everywhere so he’s been making it a challenge to find her something she’d like (“If I can imagine a kick-line to it, it’s trash, Ed”)

• The amount of crying and screaming these two do around each other. There was a period of their friendship where they were consistently talking each other down from things. Val is still grappling with shame around sexuality despite outwardly being very sex-positive, and Eddie has so much trouble trusting people and releasing control for fear of being assaulted again. They’re okay with being very raw and unfiltered around each other in ways they can’t be with anyone else

• “Did you see Rick at the haunt last night?”

“Fuck Rick.”

“Yeah, fuck Rick.”

[tellywoodtrash]

(1) Hi, I need to vent about something quickly. It's nothing super major, it's related to an ITV show that I was watching till today. I know you stopped watching BALH2 after the first two episodes, and honestly it's good that you stopped. After episode 75, the show stopped really being a mature love story in any way. Quick recap of how badly things devolved: Priya's father ended up being the person who killed Ram's father in a car accident many years ago. Her mother covered up his involvement +

Priya's older sister, Sara had a husband, Varun who was also involved in the accident. Sara's son Eshan also ended up pushing Shivina off a flight of stairs in anger, and she hit her head and died on the same day as Ram's death anniversary. Priya lied about what happened and went to jail to protect Eshan. She found out she was pregnant and lied to Ram that she cheated on him because Nandini told her to. After that, the post leap episodes became very toxic, because the writers made Priya the female version of those toxic MCP characters you usually see in ITV, and they tried to pass it off as feminism. Anyways, she and Ram were killed off in today's episode and I'm really sad, because I really loved Ram. I started watching the show for him during a point in my life where my mental health was at a low point, and I saw bits of myself in him. I'm struggling with depression, and watching Ram die was really hard. Can you give me some advice for how to deal with this?

Phew, that's quite a ride. But very on brand for Tellywood shows and how they go. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

I perfectly understand watching a show as a coping mechanism during a low point in life; this blog came out of that very habit of mine. It's sometimes hard to let go of characters you're so attached to, even though they're fictional.

Everyone copes differently, but here's what I do: I go back and watch the happier episodes of that character that mean something to me. And I read fic that aligns with my idea of the character. And also start watching something else. Slowly and surely, you'll make your peace with this character!

Also, please do open up to your loved ones about your depression, and try and get professional help if you can. Fiction is fine as something to make you feel better/feel anything during a bad mental health period, but please don't use it to avoid reality; you must do the actual work that needs to be done to tackle this issue.

Sending you lots of love and support! 🤗🤗🤗🤗

[mydarling-suggestions]

I’m not sure of the scope of questions you answer but I need some help and I’m not sure who else I could turn to.

So I’m in a moderately popular fandom on this site and I’d say for about a year, I’ve been bullied by someone I had a nasty falling out with. They go on anon but I know it’s them based on the language and context used—they don’t seem to be too stealthy honestly. Anyway, I’m not sure what to do about it because I find myself getting paranoid whenever I get an ask or a message, because this person has managed to taint a lot of my relationships with people on here that I engage with. I’ve since been blocked, harassed, had death threats received and it’s all very overwhelming. Turning off anon only works for a short amount of time, but my blog is meant to be a safe space, so I don’t like to keep anon restricted all the time.

This fandom I’m in is wonderful in so many ways, but this has been such a sore spot for me, because I just want this person to go away and live their life, though sad it may very well be, and leave me alone. I’m not sure how to manage this mentally. I’ve found myself fighting quite a bit with the anons I get, and I think because of that, I’ve found my engagement with others disappearing. Idk, it’s been a mess. This person btw has caused someone to leave the fandom and the website because they were being harassed too, and all of the mutuals were sad about that, because they were lovely. I’ve tried reporting this user to Tumblr countless times, to no avail.

I don’t know what to do anymore. They are ruining this entire fandom, and they have quite a fierce following of people behind them, supporting them. If they only knew how ghastly this person acted towards me and continued to harass me…

*sigh* I’ve properly talked your ear off. Any help would be appreciated. If not, I understand.

Hi nonnie, gosh this situation sounds horrible I can’t imagine how draining it would be on you mentally and emotionally 😞

I haven’t checked the inbox here for a while so not sure when this was submitted, but this is really disappointing and immature behaviour from this individual. It seems you’ve tried a fair few things to try and combat their bullying already, and it sucks that your attempts to report this user has yielded no results.

There aren’t many other solutions I can think of except for two. My first suggestion is to make a post informing your followers that you’ll be inactive for a short period of time, however long you feel you need, for a mental health break. Hopefully by doing this you can improve your mental health and perhaps come to a solution in the meantime, or even better, this bully decides to move on. My second suggestion is rather drastic and likely not something you’d want to do, but I would suggest making a new tumblr where you can engage with everyone in the fandom that you’re currently engaging with, although under the guise of someone else so you wont be targeted by this bully anymore.

My main hope however, would be that this bully moves on eventually, but preferably soon. I would also add that this is entirely a reflection on them and not you, and try to not take anything they say to heart. Nasty people like them normally know exactly what to say to hurt people and their words can cut deep I know, but don’t believe whatever they may be telling you or calling you. I know this is all far easier said than done, but if you notice you get another nasty anon message from this person, delete it as soon as you realise what it is, please don’t go on to read the whole thing, you don’t deserve to be tormented by this person.

I would also highly recommend talking to a friend about this if you haven’t already, even if you just vent it should do you some good to have someone to talk to and receive support from. Perhaps a friend of yours might even have a solution to all this, and even if they don’t they can keep you happy and distracted! And finally, speaking of distractions, stay as distracted as possible! If worse comes to worst and theres no way for you to really avoid the bullying, spend time with friends and do the things that make you happy and try your best to not dwell on the actions and words of this person.

Keep reporting them to tumblr in the meantime and hopefully something finally gets done about them because bullying should never be tolerated, anon or not. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this nonnie and I really really hope that the bullying stops or is dealt with 💛 And you can always come for a visit to all of us here because this is a safe space and there’s plenty of love and support for you here 💛💛

[vizthedatum]

CW: Unhinged and loving it (also a vent):

I HAD MY FIRST HRT APPT TODAY AND I AM VERY WOOZY FROM TRANS EXCITEMENT, A LOT OF BLOOD DRAWS, A POSSIBLE INFECTION (currently unconfirmed and it could just be an autoimmune flare up) I WAS NOT AWARE OF, MY STUPID PERIOD, THE MYSTERIOUS NOISE FROM NEXT DOOR THAT JUST WON’T STOP, DEALING WITH MY STUPID CODEPENDENCY, LOVE FOR MY FRIENDS, A LACK OF ENOUGH FOOD TODAY, OVERWORKING AT WORK, AND BEING SINGLE.

It’s been a long month.

It’s been a long life.

—

I hate my ex-spouse and while I wish them healing and peace, they can quite literally self-sabotage themselves to oblivion and I will not flinch. In my world, they don’t exist except in my memories. I gave them the best I could - and they threw me away like I was trash. I hope their teeth rot out of their skull and they lose the ability to code in any code editor (a special Midas touch where every code editor they try to use will spit out incomprehensible code) - wow isn’t that so mean?

Omg wasn’t I the fucking “worst thing in your life” babe? Omg aren’t I just the worst? Aren’t I so silly?? Aren’t I so stupid that I didn’t press criminal charges against you because I loved you that much?

You roll your eyes in your well-practiced gaslighting manner, while you’re reading this even though you know it’s healthier for you not to: wow they’re so dramatic and unhinged, you think while downing your seventh energy drink and dissociating with drugs and video games.

To be quite honest… venting like this is therapeutic and cathartic for me. I am being completely genuine about this. You know what’s the traumatic part? Telling my new healthcare professionals while I’m going in for a much anticipated HRT appointment that I was abused by not only you but by so many people - that I am still traumatized by IUDs and by your stupid psychological abuse that I begged you to get help for. Yeah that’s what I’m bothered by.

But blogging and venting about all of it since I left… and looking at the beautiful life I have created and am still creating (even if I have my struggles)… THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. I love that you’re completely out of my life.

I want to be even more monstrous than that pathetic ex made me out to be. That’s the goal: ULTIMATE VILLAIN ERA.

You think I was horrible back then? Watch me glow up and act even more unhinged. Watch me have my life together in ways you couldn’t even dream of.

—

More woozy venting:

SO for all the “straight cis guys” who have ever dated me: YOU ARE GAY

And for all the losers who benefited from me chasing them in a very self-admittedly toxic way: YOU GOTTA GO TO THERAPY TOO BABES

And to the Zionist I regrettably fucked in 2017: YOU WILL GET YOUR KARMA IN THE MOST UNEXPECTED WAY

And to one of my ex-partners from last year: YOU ARE VERY CORRECT IN YOUR SELF-ASSESSMENT THAT YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH

And to my parents: WTF - NO ACTUALLY WTF.

And to anyone who has ever hurt me or assaulted me: I am so sorry for whatever trauma you’re going through that enabled you to make those choices AND I FUCKING CURSE YOU

—

And to me: I don’t care anymore. I don’t have to justify my kindness or my fallibility as a human being. I don’t have to always be right. I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m crazy when I AM NOT. I don’t have to accept hurtful behavior and I don’t need a reason to. I don’t need to ignore hurtful things I do to myself. I am fine as I am.

(Well currently I’m running on very low sleep, low food intake, just had a very intense blood draw, and am on my period. I’m also nervous about my surgery tomorrow.

I am genuinely okay though. I am safe, and I am saner than I have been for a long time.)

[prncples]

i used to write so recklessly openly on my main blogs as a sort of self-taught journaling exercise, one where i really clung to the feeling that my posts were simultaneously accessible and yet unseen? like, the kinds of posts i know ppl wouldn't usually respond to and that i made with such frequency that i felt it was important to my comfort that no one much was reading them but that they were there bc i had written them and said them out loud in my way of talking out loud

it was like feeling i had things to say and no one specific i wanted to say them to, not out of avoiding people but because sometimes thoughts are just my brain never stopping and it doesn't usually feel like a necessity to seek out a social connection to release it. but i'd also just feel that need to just say something and i loved to let myself act on it and at the time, i knew i'd come to cringe now about it, but at the time, it just made sense in the moment and i knew i'd also like to have that!

and now that i periodically come back to browse my feed and save dozens of things to drafts for the next burst of energy i get to queue things up, i really enjoy getting to read the short little posts people write up for themselves on their blogs... perhaps i am a silly little internet voyeur, but i do think my favorite experience is when i find a point where someone writes short frequent posts, like, 3 to 6 lines long on average and abt 50% of the blog is just their own days or thoughts or problems or venting and then the other 50% is lovely content that also reflects them in it a little

now i wonder, are the feelings i get over reading the words and records of those absolute strangers at all related to whatever does happen or has happened with these posts? :o i remember when iris used to be the sole interaction on so many of those, or the comfort of the blank notes section...!

i think i write continuing with that feeling, which was how it was back in high school and never felt like it shifted significantly, even though i am godawful at interacting again :'^)

i've been quite decent at keeping up a very barebones but relatively consistent written journal for the last 2 and a half years, which has actually been very fun :] but i'm starting to fall off the wagon again and i think it's bc i want to delve back into these posts, which i honestly don't really encounter equivalents of in the wild!! which is why i guess i'm thinking abt them again! i see lots of short posts semi-frequent update types, but what about the long and aimless 6 paragraph addressed to no one talking about nothing kind of post? maybe i'd have to look harder, but i just don't think i will for now is all 0:

i will probably try to come up with a tag, bc i have always enjoyed the option to archive the thoughts i'm going through, but a part of me also anxiously relies on this feeling that i could create a marker that other ppl could mute too, even though i also feel like i couldn't imagine posting without the read more squiggly at the top. that's the soft barrier, but back when the read more used to break when posting, i just wanted to believe in people choosing to have those text post tags muted for their own sanity

[nxsuper]

Where do I start? How are you doing? It's been quite a while since I show myself here, first I want share about my situation.

I'm in a huge mental stress periods, I have a lot of problems, second I want share some of my feeling in this old dusted blog

First of all I want to thank the people I met here on this, First of all I want to thank the people I met here on this site, I still talk with a lot of people and I have to thanks them, thanks them because I grow a lot thanks to them but today I have something more to share.

With the happy moment a few bad moment came up, I was a really young guy as mentality, my situation never let me grow, I was always isolate and when I join a Fandom family I was very happy but at the same time was one of the bad good situation of my life, I found good friend but at the same time I found some people that push a lot of stress on me, I was frail so with time I start change, scared to say anything that was normal or sad, always with the smile while inside i was shaking and shivering.

For be just, I was not a nice flower to, this **act** from me hurt some of my friend, some find it weight, another misunderstood something and we stop talk each other, I was to happy sometime about the voice around me and this make someone not comfortable, I mean all I was in need to do was say: that not true and I would have fix all but I was in need of much attention before, now I figure out to have make much mistake, I regret a lot of thing I haven't say just because I was feeling like I could hurt someone, I was really silly.

Same at the opposite, I found people that become my friend and they start hurting me again and again,sharing secret I was not able to take but I never spook of them or just use me for vent only, I know so many sad story, I was not able to push them away until I broke out and I leave everyone around me for a few time.... Well this wall of text is not going well, what I was going to say is that I'm afraid to hurt, to be ghosted, to be misunderstood and with my difficulty to understand other this will happen.

That are the reason why I'm not online anymore, I cannot stay on this blog if I'm so weak, I could hurt someone and the memory of my regret keep hunt me, there are 2 person I feel to have hurt, we don't talk anymore but is not like we hate each other, I hope, we just took different road and all I want is to say a real goodbye to them, when I will be ready and say thanks to the others that cheer me up

[tallstars-rewrite]

About (2.0)

After 3,000 years, we begin. Helloo my name is Yarrow, welcome to my side blog where I talk about my ideas and sometimes art for my personal rewrite of the Warrior Cats super edition “Tallstar’s Revenge”~

Click here for the (now complete!) story here on this blog!! (feel free to send an ask for any tags i may have missed) As well as a link to where it’s posted on Ao3

My Personal blog for warrior cats and other xenofiction posting: Yarrowleef

Search the “my art” tag for all the character art I did over the years (most of it is quite old now)

and now a somewhat lengthy preface:

in 2017 I read Tallstar’s Revenge and was very frustrated by it. So I decided to try out rewriting a warriors book to see if I could make something closer to what I wanted to see. I also did it because I really wanted to finish something, and it seemed like an easy starting point. Then I quickly realized I had no idea how to actually write a story because I usually never get past the “daydreaming and maybe sometimes writing disconnected scenes and concepts” phase, so that was quite a hurdle to overcome.

This fic has been a bit of a rickety lifeboat for me over the past 4 years. Sometimes it even became sort of a vent for my lingering high school angst. I began this project at the same time I graduated high school and was about to start college (a bad idea) and I hit several major periods of burn-out. Honestly, I think I was feeling burned out through at least 75-80% of it. But I needed to focus on something for the same reason I needed to drag myself out of bed every morning, even if I usually didn’t really want to. 

Now I think it’s as finished as it’s ever going to be. I’m not going to lie, my confidence in its quality has been. let’s say Shaky At Best. Taking so long means that some parts are already outdated before they’ve even been posted. Also, several bits (including prose and world building) were not even fully edited to completion. There’s at least one or two chapters that are more summary then full writing, but I don’t think it’s bad enough anywhere to be incomprehensible? soo we’re just gonna roll with it.

My mixed feelings about it aside, the only reason I can have those mixed feelings is because I wrote it in the first place, and thus got better (at least a little). I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t, so no matter what I am very glad that I managed to make myself finish it!! And there are at least some parts I still genuinely like. In the end, this was always intended to just be a practice story using someone else's outline, so I am simply going to dump this content on the floor as it is and it is up to you to sift through it. I’m ready to let go of this rickety clumsy life boat, so now I am pushing it out to sea.

In Conclusion: Ultimately, is this story truly an “”improvement”” over canon? Who knows! Seriously, I simply cannot tell. I’ve been staring at it too long. “Improvement” is a very heavy and presumptuous word for someone like me anyway. I slowly chipped away at 200,000 words on my own for 4 years with no beta readers to talk it over with (none of my friends rly know what warrior cats is and I'm too embarrassed to show them, so I'm alone in here with my box of angsty cats). My brain is mush and the lines have blurred together. I have no earthly idea what this is going to look like to fresh eyes. In addition to that, many little things were tweaked just because I felt like it and not necessarily because I thought they were “objectively” better. That being said, some characters have been given completely new traits unrelated to who they were in canon to suit the story I wanted to tell, and how a character is portrayed here does not necessarily reflect my opinion/head-canon of their canon counterpart.  

Although my faith in this rewrites execution is iffy and the creation process was a hot mess, I can certainly say I still put a lot of thought and effort (and sometimes tears) into it, and in the end I hope that will count for something. Thank you for reading!

[mollydollyjournals]

I wrote an intro in October 2020 when I made this page but I'm gonna try to write a more concise one. The old one is here and is specifically about my ED history. But other than that, this is my vent blog, and:

I guess you can call me Molly or Dolly or something like that. I guess pronouns are she/they but you can use whatever pronouns you see me as, it's cool

I'm 30 years old. I'm not very good at it. I'm kinda childlike and basically get babysat when I hang out with people my own age or even younger, but I also learned to build a computer in 1996 and witnessed the golden age of emo (but I was goth/grunge at the time and I hated emo. Sorry MCR)

Unfortunately I'm English

Im biracial/mixed race, 2nd gen immigrant. In the US you'd call me light skin black. You might see me refer to myself as black or mixed race depending on context

I'm autistic and have ADHD. One of those "mild autism" cases which really just means you wont think I'm autistic but you will think I'm weird, meanwhile I'm getting major stress symptoms from trying to function in a way that's not necessarily natural to me. Like living in a country where I understand the language conversationally but I'm not a fluent native. I also forget everything. It's really a talent

I have BPD and extremely bad depression. I've been on Prozac a long time. I struggle with anxiety a lot. I'm very awkward and shy, even among awkward and shy people. If you message me and I dont message back, I probably felt like I'd be bothering you. Even if you think it's obvious it's okay or I'm normal or whatever. I'm very insecure and I try to avoid putting that on people by essentially backing off entirely. That's what this blog is about.

I run on Mars time. I have like a 25hr body clock or something so I will just be awake later and later until I'm nocturnal and then later again until I'm back on daytime. I'm in GMT but at some point in a 4-6wk period I'll match with everyone

Former gifted kid. Got a lot of trauma related to school and formal education. Y'all know what's up

I have an alcohol problem. I always have one vice or another. Going cold turkey never works for me with anything (I also used to SH daily and smoke and I quit both of those so I am familiar with how my mind works to some extent) so I often give myself goals for staying sober a set amount of time so I'm at least not going back to drinking every day. I've been seriously ill due to drinking at least twice

I have other physical health issues like hypothyroidism that put me in that spiral of 'need to do many things to deal with this' but also 'can't even do as much as most people'

Bisexual but inexperienced, gender is what, idk I forgot what else to say

I hate conservatives. Fuck the Tories. Black lives matter. Trans rights are human rights. Sex work is work. Homeless people are people. Gender roles are bullshit. We all grew up with certain ideas but we can all try to learn and do better and these people just aren't trying. So punch a nazi.

Im not monogamous. Hb = (mostly estranged) husband, bf = (sparsely interacted with) boyfriend. They know about each other and all is consensual. Im a shit liar anyway I could never two time. It was all good once, and then the pandemic and other stresses happened.

I'm pretty sure there is approximately one person who fits the above criteria so if you know me irl then...you probably dont wanna be here since this is where I vent about the stuff everyone ignores on my regular social media.

And gdi if it ain't the most ADHD thing ever to say I'm gonna write a shorter intro and then it ends up still being a rambly piece of shit

(Also my posts are usually queued)

[rrrawrf-writes]

lordy lordy loo it’s been a hot minute since i’ve made an original post, i forgot where the button was

so. some of you may have seen the stuff running around about violetvineyard and mvcreates, some of you may not have. i’m just gonna lay out my experiences here, now that other people are talking about it and now that the server has been deleted. i’m gonna try to present a fair and nuanced version; i’m not gonna include screenshots (right now) bc i’m lazy, mostly.

there are several other people who are putting up way better breakdowns than i am. i just figured i might as well toss mine onto the pile bc why not? but if you’re hoping to hear from me a story about how i’ve been wronged, per se, you won’t find much of one, because i played mainly a spectator role, and never had much trouble there. i will have a vague, lukewarm defense of some of the people involved that other people may not agree with, but again, this is all just the whole VV deal from my point of view.

@nuwuhorizons (i haven’t said how dang much i lOVE your url) and @sapiencenotes have very good receipts and breakdowns. if you want a more in-depth (and dramatic, forgive me for using the word, i’m not trying to downplay this), check them out. @time-to-write-and-suffer also has some great stuff on their blog about all of this.

all righty. so. i joined VV not right at the beginning, but soon after it was started. there was an application process, i got accepted, i was looking for a community to help me start writing more. (it didn’t help, but that’s not their fault, that’s mine.) the person who owned the server was called mina, and on tumblr, mina’s url was mvcreates. mina is a nonbinary Muslim woman of color, a professional who i believe works at harvad and deals a lot with things like infectious diseases, iirc. she was doing a whole lot of work when the pandemic came around, and so the past few months wasn’t quite as active as she had been at the start, both on the server and tumblr. 

the very first time mina came on my radar, before i joined vv, was because she had corrected someone’s typo on a post, and it stirred up a minor drama about “don’t give unsolicited criticism” and “is pointing out minor errors like that okay” and blahblahblah. i ran across that on a friend’s dash, and also ran across the promo for vv from that friend’s dash, as well, and joined bc y not.

everything was p cool for a while. it was nice to meet some new people and some of my mutuals on there. mina seemed like a fun person. she was about a year, year and a half, maybe, older than i am. the first things that kind of started rubbing me wrong at the start was how she would kind of dismiss suggestions for the server than i and a friend had, and how she kept bringing up her age - she would often say things like “well i wouldn’t do that but i’m an Old(TM) so maybe i just don’t get it” and i can’t really explain why that bothered me. i think it felt dismissive, like Younger Folks Don’t Know How Things Should Work. also, like. she kept bringing it up. as if it meant something, as if plenty of us on that server weren’t actually around her age. there was a convo on vaccinations where i wanted to make the point that a lot of anti-vaxxers should be educated instead of ridiculed and shamed, but i never really got to making that point bc she jumped in very sharply and explained that anti-vaxxers all come from a class of people who are generally educated. i didn’t bother saying anything else. 

at the start, it was tiny little things like that. i chalked it up to her personality and mine just not quite matching up. i sat down a lot and examined my own internal biases, bc i knew something was bugging me, but i couldn’t tell if it was legitimate, or if i was jealous and petty, or if i was being discriminatory towards her identity. i still wonder that a lot; i want to be careful that i’m examining her actions here, and not the person who made those actions.

because the other thing that bothered me was that she was perfect at pretty much everything. she was a decent, if not good, writer, from what i read. i thought her “art”/edits were neat, even if sometimes i looked at them going “that just looks like an edit, not your own art, but u kno, edits are art too, so i’m not gonna say anything.” she had a lot of motivation, a lot of ambition. soon, this kind of transferred over into me feeling like she acted like she had to be perfect at everything. i think this is probably one of the more “lisa is just being petty” things, rather than a judgement on her character, but she seemed to flaunt her own skills and accomplishments a lot. not that no one is allowed to brag sometimes! but it was just another layer of “this bothers me.”

then there was the hero worship.

people in the server loved mina. i liked her. i had no problems with her, even if there were a few things i was a little “ehhhh” about. vv got pretty big, pretty quickly, and i assume there was a decent amount of turnover and people who just joined to lurk or sometimes share things in the promos channel or elsewhere. but the most active folks just. they adored mina with every fiber of their being. mina could do no wrong. no one ever called her out on anything; everything she did was hailed as fantastic and wonderful. and honestly, for the most part, it wasn’t like she was doing crappy stuff. some of the praise was well-deserved, imo, but it just bordered on embarrassing for some of these people, how much they just worshipped the ground she walked on.

and she didn’t really like, discourage it. like, at the start, i think i remember her being more modest, but in general, she just let it go, and so did i, bc like. i aint that kinda jerk.

the stated purpose of violetvineyard was to have a community that valued reciprocity. reciprocity was mina’s biggest thing. there was a channel for people to post their stuff on, so the rest of us could browse and read and reblog. i, admittedly, didn’t do as much of that as i wish i did, but part of it was because i do have a life outside of the internet, a memory and attention span the size of a gnat, and because like. 90% of the stuff that people put in the promos channel were things like edits, writeblr intros, wip intros, etc etc, when all i wanted was to just read some actual writing. but that’s neither here nor there. what got hilarious to me, though, was whenever mina’s fervent admirers would talk about how mina was, quote, a pillar of the community. how vv was doing something No Other Writeblr Group Had Done Before. how Important and Special this server was.

folks. i’ve been on here for several years now. we don’t have a community. we have a bunch of little cliques who reblog from their friends and complain about people not reblogging them. noah fence, but come on. vv got pretty dang big, but it was still a small corner of a small section of tumblr. like. sorry, all y’all, but them’s the breaks.

also, this was hilarious to me bc there are several big writeblrs who have been running around long before mina and vv showed up. yet, according to these people in the server, mina had Single-handedly Brought Hope To This Desolate Wasteland.

in the end, vv became just another little clique whose members reblogged from their friends. i don’t want to devalue the good that did come out of vv. a lot of the picture being painted rn was that the majority of the server were scary dog-piling people. the majority of the server were just writeblrs looking to promo their stuff and talk about their writing. unfortunately, few bad apples, bad rep, negatives outshine positives, etc etc. but i think it did do some good re: exposure for a few folks, even tho it didn’t turn into what it could have been. 

another one of the things that was a minor irritant to me was that they eventually started archiving the vent channel, which was probably the most-used channel. that didn’t sit right to me, but as always, i was a coward had nothing to say about it, so i didn’t. the reason given was that there were often things in the vent channel that people might regret being there, so it was periodically archived and a fresh channel started.

so i’m rambling a lot about stuff that’s probably boring and inconsequential. that’s 90% of this whole vv thing, tho, you need to understand that. 

the biggest thing that bothered me about mina, i think, came about from the constant hero worship from her adoring fans. and i know there’s a whole argument to be said about expecting labor from people with marginalized identities, which is an argument i agree with - don’t expect someone of a minority group to educate you or to face trauma or to shut down bigots, etc etc. but by now, mina had a lot of followers in general, and in specific, she had quite a few people who would defend her at every single perceived slight.

she made a lot of those fun writeblr reblog games, like “send me a fruit that says this about my writing.” those were cool, i’ll admit that. but she was super into “you have to send an ask to the person you reblog from, RECIPROCITY!!!!!!!!!!!” and seemed to struggle with the fact that sometimes, people don’t follow her established rules on her posts for these games. she’d complain about it every single time that happened in the vent channel, which, again, that’s fine? that’s what vents are for, it’s annoying to not get cool fun asks when you do these games, but also, that’s life for you. she could depend on her fans to send her plenty of asks, whereas the much smaller blogs who reblogged these games would probably get f-all, half the time. if you’ve gone through nuwuhorizons or one of the other blogs i mentioned earlier, you’ll have run across the incident where mina’s friends harrassed an 11 year old for not doing her ask game right.

an eleven year old. 

and this is my biggest grief with mina. she only stopped her friends from dogpiling people... once? maybe twice? that i remember. and not only that, but there were SEVERAL occasions where she would get on the vent channel, complain about someone who had said something wrong on one of her posts (and sometimes, again, these were legitimate!), and then ask if someone in the server wanted to reply to them. reasons for such ranged from “i’m too busy rn” to “they would probably listen more to a white person than me.”

again. this, on occasion, is not necessarily a bad thing. we cannot expect labor and response from minorities. my issue was that she kept doing this. and sometimes it was fine, just someone who would drop a note on the post or send a polite anon. but this, to me, the whole asking someone else to fight your battles for you? that really bothered me. mina is a grown adult. either ignore it, like the rest of us chumps, or deal with it yourself. having friends support you is not a bad thing - if i was attacked on tumblr and my friends jumped in to defend me, i’m cool with that. but i wouldn’t ask them to, and then not do anything myself.

to me, this attitude just encourages dogpiling. this felt like she was taking advantage of the people admiring her so whole-heartedly, and using them to deal with minor grievances. (again, i don’t want to downplay some of the actual racism and xenophobia she experienced on this website, because there was some pretty sketchy stuff that did need someone else stepping in to object to. but then there was “ugh this person asked me what program i use to make my music and i don’t want to answer them bc that’s rude,” and stuff of that caliber. like, mina, you built yourself a pretty big following here on tumblr, you don’t get to complain when people are trying to ask you questions and engage with you when you set yourself up as a knowledgeable person on a subject.)

i’m going to mention @gingerly-writing because she already made a post on the subject, but there was an instance where we were in the vent channel and watched a lot of mina’s friends send anons and reblogs of a hurtful nature to one person. eventually, ginger stepped in to say “hey, i don’t think we need to keep doing this, they are a minor,” and after she did so, i also jumped in, saying something along the lines of, “yeah, i’ve seen this kind of stuff blow up in another server and end in a really regrettable situation where no one was happy, can we stop.” both ginger and i received a private message from the mods (individually) saying that we shouldn’t police the chat, etc etc. not during that message, but on the vent channel, another mod jumped in to say that the people dogpiling the blogger were also minors. as if that makes it okay, and isn’t actually extremely worrying in its own right.

after that, i pretty much took a stance of “all right then i just won’t say anything at all.” i stuck around vv because i hated myself actually really liked a few of the others in the server, including a couple of the mods who are actually really cool people, not all the vv mods are sketch, and because honestly? i lowkey knew that vv was going to crash and burn sometime, and i wanted to be there to watch what happened. due to the pandemic, and her line of work, mina became less active, and the whole server died down a bit. 

then someone reblogged one of mina’s ‘art’ posts and accused her of tracing. mina’s admirers immediately jumped into action. nuwuhorizons has it pretty well documented on their blog. there was nothing in the server about it, except one of the others said “oh man i saw that and it pissed me off,” there was some minor chat, and then i woke up and wanted to know what had happened, and was told “don’t worry about it.”

so, naturally, bc the only thing i thirst for is water and Drama(TM), i went looking for it.

found it on some of mina’s friend’s blogs, where i found who had reblogged and said mina was tracing, and followed those reblog chains, where several of mina’s followers attacked the accuser and made fun of their name and age and defended mina, pulling out progress videos and stuff of mina’s work. the accuser was trans and still a teenager, even if technically an adult, so that made things a lot worse. mina eventually posted something explaining that she was pencil tracing and had a very cheery, false-positive tone to the whole thing.

things sorta ended at that, but then maybe the same day, or the day after, user hyba made that big ol post about the Big Scary Tumblr Mirror Website Copying All Your Good, Hard Work. mina and her friends jumped on this. they threw it in the server and talked about things like intellectual property rights and “i don’t like how this makes me feel :(” and from there, went in to how tumblr was a terrible garbage site and then mina and most of the mod team decided that it was time to pack up VV and leave tumblr completely. 

pretty much everyone i know were mina’s besties have vanished off tumblr. mina made an announcement that VV was “migrating” off tumblr and discord(???) and dropped another application to join the great vv migration. i did not apply bc i just have too freaking much going on in my life and needed to get out of this for the sake of my own mental health. it was tempting as hell, tho, i will say that. 

a couple things about this - at the time, mina is also having some pretty bad things going on in her family. she was very vague on the details, but i think that really contributed to wanting to leave; on top of the pandemic and everything else, she was probably heckin stressed. but also like. she never called out her followers for attacking her accuser. she never made any sort of post talking about it. she never told her friends on the server “hey don’t do that.” she never took accountability for it, or, honestly, for anything else she or her friends have done that didn’t feel too good. the mirror sites aren’t really a big deal. 

after the server was archived, it was left up a couple days so everyone could grab contact info, etc. during this time, i was checking the ‘violetvineyard’ tag and saw someone post “what happened to mvcreates they haven’t answered my application to vv,’ and i responded with “oh, the server closed down bc of the copy cat sites.”

the same day, i got a tumblr DM from one of the former mods asking me not to give away any details about vv leaving tumblr. it was very politely worded and everything, but it was still just like

okay? vv is over? why are you asking me not to say anything. and it wasn’t like i was even spilling any hot goss, i was just repeating the excuse (and i do mean excuse) mina gave us. 

anyway, that mod is off tumblr, too, as far as i know, or else they stealthin. which is fine, u do u, buddy.

uhh conclusion time, i guess? i have a few scattered screenshots of things, but i’m not posting em bc i’m lazy and also running late for a thing. but really, for me, i didn’t have a whole lot of beef with mina or pretty much any of the other folks on vv. i thought that mina and her friends were a bit too eager for blood, and that really bothered me. i’m annoyed they shut down vv completely, because it could actually have been something great. if mina wanted off writeblr, i wish she had given the whole network over to people interested in running it; instead, what was a good thing for a lot of people is now completely gone, with no existing framework for people to build on. sure, anyone can go make their own network/family for writeblr, but now it’s just going to splinter into a bunch of different, smaller groups, and we’re all back to square one.

but whatever. i didn’t get to see the server go down in flames, instead it just ended with a hasty retreat and a few whimpers, and quite honestly i wished my staying in had paid off.

i do want to reiterate - there were quite a few people in vv who i think are great, and this does include some of the mods themselves.

i’ve also gotten a couple messages from a few other folks who had been in vv who have their own real, real sketch stories, which are making me rethink how i feel about mina and her friends, and all the good credit i gave them. i just wanted to present this bc it’s my blog and i do what i want, fight me.

and if anyone wants to chat about vv, hit me up. i keep things as private as you want them to be, and i love love love talking about this nonsense. Give Me The Deets.

[bitchiha]

I just found your blog and your writing is super good! Could you do some headcanons for Sasuke falling in love with his best friend, who he's known pretty much all his life? Thank you :)

A/N: first off, thank you!! I did this head canon kinda in a time line type thing because it felt more.. ✨D R A M A T I C✨ that way, but it ended up really angsty and long.. we love a slow burn! anyways.. enjoy!

Also.. I needed to create a version of our wonderful y/n where they could relate to Sasukes pain. I don’t think he could have a best friend who didn’t experience that same feeling of losing people so close to you. Therefore, TW: death, parental death

LMAO AND BRUH I proofread this 20 times but I kept adding things so everytime I proofread I would have to re read again and it was a never ending cycle and I fininshed this at around 3 am so I can’t tell if it’s proofread well enough but I’m so tried please-

✎ Sasuke falling for his bestfriend

You’ve known Sasuke since he was young, before the the murder of his clan. You weren’t an Uchiha, but you met him through the academy. On your first day you were really nervous but also really excited because you had something to prove. You may have been the underdog in your very complicated family, but that stopped now. Both you and Sasuke could sense that same drive to prove your worth in eachother and so you instantly took a liking to one another. Through the passing weeks you two quickly became friends.

You lost your mom due to an illness and your dad was succumbing to the same disease as well. You weren’t the richest family, your mom left behind three kids; Yourself and your two older brothers. That’s quite a lot of mouths to feed. Thing is, one is in the Anbu and the other is a Chunin and they both don’t talk to you very much. Your dad being sick as well, he could not make you your meals or do your laundry. Those were all things you learned to do on your own. Your brothers ignored you for the most part and you could tell they thought of you as a nuisance, often having to clean up after your messes, but you believed that the day you would become a ninja is the day that would all change.

You remember telling Sasuke about that and he said he could relate to those things. The feeling of being the weaker kid, the one that fell behind sometimes. He experienced that himself too. This all just made you two a lot closer as the two of you knew you had someone to turn to when you felt like that.

After the murder of the Uchihas, he became very distant. Which you figured was natural, he needed some time alone. You remembered what you felt like when you lost your mom and so you gave him space. It took a while but a few months later he started to slowly join you for practice at the academy or sit by you at lunch time, but the second you tried to bring up his family and if he ever wanted to talk about it, he would shrug you off and completely shut the idea down, so you left it alone.

If ever he wanted company, to quell his loneliness - even if it was for a few brief moments, it seemed like you were always there to help. Even when he was in a sour mood and he would snap at you, you would give him this look, like you knew deep down knew that he didn’t mean it and he was just venting. That didn’t mean the words didn’t cut deep sometimes, in fact you’d cried in a few particularly nasty drawls he had. He would always end up apologizing, even if he didn’t say the exact three words, you could tell he was making a valiant effort to show you he cared about you.

And it felt nice. To have a friend like that, that could relieve some of your loneliness. You knew what it was like to be on your own at a very young age and so you offered him help in doing laundry and cooking and cleaning, until he started to figure it out more himself. You may never feel the pain that he has, but you had a glimpse of it before, and it comforted him to know that he wasn’t suffering alone.

The only person who could ever really crack a smile on his face was you, leading up to your graduation from the academy the two of you had grown to be closer than ever. It felt like you understood him. If he needed time alone you pulled back, if he wanted time with you, you would make the effort to make it happen. He didn’t want a clingy friendship and you respected that.

However, he did want to be on a squad with you. Once you both graduated from the academy both your goals seemed closer than before. You were going to be an amazing ninja, so amazing that your brothers would have no choice but to acknowledge you and Sasuke was going to be an avenger of his clan. You were going to help eachother grow to that point together. So it bummed you both out when you weren’t on the same squads. You felt a little jealous, knowing that he was with Sakura. She was a nice girl, for the most part, but you didn’t like how she always threw herself at Sasuke. You were the only girl in your squad and the boys you were with were pretty friendly, Sasuke didn’t like that either. You both never said anything about to eachother that of course.

After you would both train in your respective squads, you’d eat lunch together or walk around and talk about what transpired. He would always talk about Naruto, well complain more than talk, and it kind of made you feel sad. You could see right through him, Narutos felt his pain too. The two of them could try to deny it, but they admired eachother a lot. With all the missions you two had to go on, time with eachother became a very limited precious. Meanwhile, his bond with Naruto and Sakura became stronger. The same could be said for you and your team. You had actually grown to like one another and your skills complimented eachother perfectly.

So your hangouts kind of came to a stop for a while. He would hang out with his own team after missions and training and you would hang out with yours. Sometimes he would stop by your place and you would talk for a while, but then he’d be called off for a mission or dragged away by Naruto and Sakura. You were happy he was making friends and if that meant you didn’t have as much time with him, than that was okay. Afterall you weren’t completely alone anymore either.

It was when your dad finally succumbed to his disease that your ties to one another became almost completely severed. Your dad was the last family member that believed in you and spent time with you. You fed him and helped him more than any of your brothers and he was that last bit of encouragment in your life. That candle of hope in your heart began to flicker helplessly. It was holding onto the flame with weak and tired arms, there was only a bit of a glimmer of light left in your life.. and that light was your friend Sasuke.

Even if he was preoccupied with missions, when he heard the news that your dad passed away, he spent as much time as he could with you. Like him though, you tried to brush it off and would change the subject whenever he tried to get you to talk about it. You were bottling it all up just like he was and he was sad that he didn’t know how to help you. All he knew was that he had to be with you to help you get through this.

That didn’t really work though, the chunin exams began around the same time as your fathers passing. So once again you didn’t see Sasuke for long periods of time and honestly, you weren’t thinking about him. Your mind was still more than occupied with the loss of your father. Plus, your sensei didn’t nominate your squad for the Chunin exams and as much as you hated to admit it.. It had made you a little bitter to think that Sasuke would be taking that next step without you.

After the village was invaded by the Sound and Orochimaru, the two of you oddly enough became close again. It was strange that it was that event that brought you back together again. He filled you in with everything that was happening to him. He showed you the curse mark, (he didn’t even hesitate to show you.) Almost like he was asking for your help, but you didn’t know what you could do.. the mark worried you a lot. And this Orochimaru... you had never heard that name before, but little did you know how his name would be burnt into your mind later on.

You weren’t there when Sasuke left the village to join Orochimaru. That’s probably what made it so easy for him to go. If you had been there and asked him to stay instead of Sakura, he would have thought twice. But no, your squad was sent away on a really important mission at that time, it was a chance to prove yourself after missing out on missions due to the loss of your father. When you got back and heard the news from Sakura - a girl who you remembered was obsessed with him - you didn’t believe it at first. It took the Hokage to actually convince you.

Why would he leave? Weren’t you on a path together?

But when you got back to your own apartment — you had moved away from your brothers with the money you got from missions — there was a letter on your bed, it was from Sasuke. He had written to you about how he was still an avenger and would never manage to be one if he stayed here. You kept re reading his last sentence over and over again.

Don’t come looking for me, it’s no use, I won’t come back. This is the path I’ve chosen. It’s the path I need to take.

It basically felt like your heart was ripped out and that last flicker of light in your life went out. You tore up the letter and then cried with regret as you tried to put it back together. You were angry, but there was no way you were going to let him do this to himself. Damn the path he’s chosen, you won’t let him take it.

So from then on, you insisted to the hokage that you were sent in missions involving Orochimaru or retrieving Sasuke. That’s what lead you to a new team: Sai, Sakura and Naruto with Yamato as the captain. It also lead you right into Orochimarus hideout.

Originally you were just supposed to investigate a tip from Sasori about a spy working to gain information on Orochimaru, but that mission lead to a whole bigger thing, Orochimarus hideout.

Your team found Sasuke, only to have him try and kill Naruto and probably the rest of you if he had the chance. You tried to convince him to come back, but he wouldn’t have it, in fact, when you spoke it felt like it angered him even more. It made you want grab him and shake some sense into him. 3 years had gone by and he still didn’t want to come back, he wanted to be orochimarus vessel...

He was really harsh towards Naruto, but also towards you. He had snapped his attention to you when you had come running into the crater he had created. He would be lying if he said his breath didn’t hitch at the sight of you, but he hid his feelings well.

“Tch... Y/n, so this is how you’ve been spending your time.. After all these years?Trying to bring me back.. I guess your brothers were right about you, you really are pathetic.”

But then you hit him with that look, the one you used to give him when he would get harsh with you as kids, the one that knew he didn’t mean it and he suddenly had the urge to look away in shame. He was angered that he didn’t the reaction he wanted out of you, he wanted hurt you and push you away, but you refused to give into him. You’re born so stubborn. That was why you had always been such good friends.

When Orochimaru interfered and they escaped, the last thing he heard was you, “wake up, Sasuke. You’re not meant to be with these people and you know it.” He couldn’t tell if your voice was disappointed, hurt, disgusted or whatever it may be, but he didn’t like it.

Anyways, once they were gone he couldn’t stop thinking about you. So you were still thinking about him? After all this time... You even got yourself involved with Naruto and Sakura. He didn’t like that he cared about the fact that you didn’t forget about him. Truth is, he needed to forget about you. That’s if he was going to avenge his clan. You weren’t apart of his path anymore, you couldn’t be apart of his path anymore.

It’s not like he had stopped thinking about you for the past three years, in fact, you were frequently on his mind. He had managed to suppress it though, it only took him a good two years. The past year he had begun to flush away you and his old teammates. All that work was useless now because he had just seen you again in real life and you were grown up now, that made everything so much harder. What were you doing that very moment? Sleeping? Out with your team? Thinking of him? He wanted to rage everytime he let his mind wander like that.

After that encounter, the first one you two have had in three years, your face was burned into dreams and waking thoughts. You really grew up. You weren’t just some little kid with a dream anymore, you had started on your own path too. He noticed you were taller and you weren’t too awkward in your body like you used to be, with legs a little to long and feet a little too small. Despite those little quirks, he always had an attraction to you, but now there was more of a deeper feeling, a stronger admiration than before... and boy did it pissed him off.

He had been pushing those feelings away from him ever since the death of his clan. It was easier to do it when you were both still awkward little kids. But now that you were taller, you actually started caring for the way you looked and you were wearing more fitted clothes.... stop. You were more than determined too, your drive was strong and it felt like you were not only stronger physically now but also stronger emotionally.

It took him a while to actually accept it, but it was true, he had fallen for you. He realized it when he was laying down in his room in one of Orochimarus hideouts. He had loved you all along and now more than ever, he realized he wanted a future with you, even though it seemed virtually impossible at this point. That didn’t mean he wasn’t willing to fight for it. He felt like he was back at the academy again and all the feelings he had been trying to push away came crashing down on him at once. It was a few days before he was supposed to become Orochimarus vessel, and he knew then, if he became that vessel, he would never have that chance to be with you. To have a life with you. No matter how much he tried to suppress it and fight it, he couldn’t run from his feelings. You had been there for him through everything and you were still fighting for him now, even after all that he’s done.

So there, Alone in that dark room, He decided that he would not give himself up for Orochimaru, not while you were srstill cared for him.

So I decided to end it here on a cliff hanger bc I’m not about to write all of shonen Jump and shippuden into a head canon even though my brain wants me too... I will do a part 2 down the line all the way up to the end of shippuden if y'all want tho bc I thrive off that demanding shit and thats on period 

[vowled]

Unpopular Opinion: Johnlock edition

So, I am, as invariably suggested by my blog and username, a major Sherlock fan. I absolutely love it. The first time I watched it, I immediately related to it, and my peabag brain instantly saw a friend in John Watson. Sherlock’s character, on the other hand, was quite unconventional to me. I couldn’t bring myself to quite like him for the first 2 episodes. He was.....different. I knew I wanted to watch the series just for the dynamic duo and their and sweet friendship. The cases I couldn’t at first care for much, but eventually that changed too. I always was completely amazed by how well they had managed to adapt the series to the 21st century and their subtle winks to the original canon too was quite impressive. Eventually, I fell in love with it, and proceeded to watch the entire series thrice. in a row. I was, and still am, completely obsessed. 

Then came the thought, which was also somehow initially suggested subtly by the show itself, ” What if Sherlock and John are in Love?” I must agree, I had read too many conspiracy theories about certain celebs being closeted to not come up with that question. 

At first it was just a thought. But then, critical analyses on tumblr came up. I couldn’t stop reading them?! and so many of them were thought-provoking and persuasive and honestly, I was living for it. The phone = heart theory is still one of the best Theories I’ve read among all the fandoms I’ve ever been in. And that is just one among many. JohnLock was everywhere. Other ships were persistent, but none could reach the amount of fervor as JohnLock. And I was living for it too. I still really enjoy all the adorable fanfics and the ever-interesting theories, and honestly, at this point, my motto is “I’ll find homoerotic subtext even if it kills me”.

Shipping is ok, shipping is good. But here’s the deal we need to talk about:  we shouldn’t justify our ships to the point of interpreting every action as romantic. This propagates unrealistic expectations and results in harmful stereotypes.

Yes, I’m talking about the unending debate on Johnlock. 

From season one itself, Johnlock was phenomenal. It is widely argued that  the show-runners themselves inserted subtle hints, and hence, birthed this beast on their own. The Sherlock fandom remains one of the oldest fandoms in the world, with its beginnings rooted in the Nineteenth Century when ASiS was published, and since then many have argued about the latent homosexual subtext embedded into the writing, my point here being people have been shipping Johnlock for well over a hundred years. Hence, It’s not really a surprise that people are still drawn to this ship. But to be shipped by this magnitude of people? This invariably suggests that there’s material provided to us by the creators themselves that is very blatantly obvious about the relationship. And while in most cases shipping two characters is completely okay in itself, according to me, shipping Johnlock has further validation in the fact that there is proof of intent of it becoming canon eventually (at least in the first two seasons).

Like I said before, shipping is OK, shipping is good. 

But is shipping okay if we take it to the point of over-analysing every move?

Sherlock is a comfort character for me. God knows half of my maladaptive daydreams are about him being a father figure towards me. My entire twitter tl and Tumblr dashboard is stuffed with cutesy or angsty things about him, and that’s great! But being in the fandom for about eight months, I’ve realised how this sort of feed eventually resulted in me completely forgetting the original storyline, and more importantly, in me forgetting how flawed a character Sherlock is!

Everyone(including me, the first time) freaks out in HLV because of how Sherlock isn’t listed as John’s pressure point. I, however, think we should question ourselves: Why should John still consider Sherlock that tantalizingly close to himself as he was in the beginning? John learnt his best friend had died, and he decided to do the bravest thing he could: make peace with it and move on. BUT NO! The Ghost of the man who loved him returned from the grave to haunt him! Here I talk about the other possible reasons why Sherlock wasn’t a pressure point for John in HLV. 

I am tired of this constant sugarcoating of Sherlock’s character. I am tired of seeing constant posts about how Sweet and caring Sherlock is and how much he loves John and how he loved her more than Mary. I am done with over analysis of every single shot where Sherlock looks at John, completely done. This shot below? It’s been overused for so many fanfics and cheesy romantic lines that I forgot that it’s supposed to be a look of GUILT.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love sherlock so dearly because he’s a very unlikeable character. That is precisely what sets him so far apart from the other characters. Sherlock started off with a hateful and dismissive character, but through the course of the events he undergoes a lot of emotional development. And that is truly noteworthy. In TFP he said for Mycroft, “ He did the best he could (for Eurus)...” and that is truly sentimental. This sort of development is always heartwarming.

What I want people to understand is that Analysis is, obviously, important. And CRITICAL ANALYSIS more so. And it’s saddening to see so many people glossing over the critical part of the analysis. Why is it so wrong to point out HOW HURTFUL SHERLOCK’S ACTIONS TOWARDS JOHN HAVE BEEN?  Why is it wrong to to point out Johnlockers borderline bully other shippers? 

Can we finally talk about the problematic aspects of Johnlock, or rather Johnlockers?

Even though I’m relatively new to the fandom, I’ve noticed how dismissive people are of anything negative said about Sherlock. In the beginning, it was endearing, really; but now I see this pattern of constantly singing praises of Sherlock’s character, and it has lead me to realize how detrimental it can be to the relatively younger audiences. Sherlock is Rude, period. There’s no question about it. And this constant glorifying of his rudeness and arrogance and dismissing it as  a quirk could very well possibly give the impression that arrogance and vanity are in fact not so bad, and hell, it might make one seem a little cooler even ! Oh, don’t be mad if I act like my comfort character ! I’m quirky like that !

Constant bashing of the creators. And when I say constant, I mean it. This sort of bashing about is never-ending. And when I say this, I don’t mean that the creators were perfect; some of their mistakes were, quite frankly, blatantly ignorant ( like Irene the Canon Lesbian falling for Sherlock), but I don’t see enough people praising it for what it is. Even now there is so much slander against the creators ( and personally I feel bad for Mark Gatiss because he’s actually on twitter and is constantly spammed). Is it really a surprise that the creators hate the fans and especially the Johnlockers? Was it supposed to be so shocking when Martin said that being in the show wasn’t very fun anymore because of the fans?

We just don’t actually analyze anymore! I get that we haven’t got any new content for FOUR muheffing years but please I literally don’t see anything that’s actually interesting or analytical anymore and that kills me because that was the reason I joined this fandom- to read and comprehend the subtext, and the AMAZING META!  All I see are cute couple-ish pics of ben and Martin and tbh we can do so much better than that?!

Johnlockers have so much actual stuff to talk about? There is literally so much going on Subtextually, and yet all I see is people losing their mind over any interaction between Sherlock and John. This is so unfair! AND it’s detrimental too! With people painting every interaction as romantic in nature, the younger teenagers in this fandom who might not have experienced Love or Attraction may glean unrealistic ideas about them! It is difficult as it is to navigate oneself through romantic entanglements, let alone being fed such rose-colored ideas! And I say this because although I don’t know much about the audience on Tumblr, but Stan Twitter is like, (at least) 50 percent teenager-fuelled. It actually isn’t healthy for them at all.

Stop with the Benedict-worshipping for God’s sakes. Are you only in here because of him? We all get it, he’s absolutely stunning but come on, we’re here for the stories too right?

Romantic love is important, no doubt. But you know what’s completely overlooked? The platonic sort of love. And it’s tiring. Sherlock and Molly/Janine/Irene/John are all amazing duos and each pair has it’s own uniqueness and tang to it! Let’s not constantly dissect everything in the name of shipping, shall we?

lol looking back at it, I feel like it’s a vent rant for the prevailing circumstances on Stan Twitter. I apologize if anything I said hurt anyone, it wasn’t meant to. I completely understand that shipping people is for...recreation (?) but this was just my opinion. Let me know what you think about it!

[marvelousescapism]

hey, i know you’re mostly about stucky, but i love you and your blog so much and i was wondering if i could ask you for some advice if that’s alright?? only if you’re comfortable with it of course. i’m just at such a loss right now because i have this whole loki/reader multi-chapter story outlined that’s supposed to take place during the show and i’ve thought about it for a month now, but everything with s*lki makes me so uncomfortable and nauseous. (1/3)

so when i look back at any scene with them in the show, i immediately feel so uncomfortable. even the thought of me writing something under the loki tv tag on here and/or ao3 makes me feel ashamed to even be somehow associated with the ship. i know that that’s how every fandom is of course, but the fact that this ship that makes me so perturbed is more or less canonical right now, it’s like my brain won’t let me escape it. (2/3)

now i don’t know if i should just give up on the story entirely or convince myself that writing it will bring me comfort that the show ripped away from me and this character i used to love. i was so excited to write this and now i’m just so hesitant to do so. i’m sorry that this was so long. again, please don’t feel like you have to answer this. feel free to ignore me and have a wonderful day 💕 (3/3)

Oh, sweetheart, of course I'll answer you 💕💕 I'm by no means an expert on this and I tend to ramble, so do bear with me and I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful!!

(Also - if any other more seasoned fic writers out there reading this have any more/better advice for nonny please do step in and add on, I'm really only a newbie at this game myself!)

First off, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. It's really shitty that the dumb choices the writers made have tainted something that you and tons of other people love so much. You're absolutely not alone - so many Loki fans have had various problems with the show, and SO SO MANY have hated Sylki. It was an absolutely ridiculous choice to make it canon. I know the Loki and Thor franchises are more of a secondary fandom for me on this blog but I was (still am) very much still so pissed off after the kiss in the last episode, and by a lot of other choices made in the show. (Sometimes I'll pass untagged gifs of them kissing and just... it makes me so uncomfortable.)

Personally, I like to think I've become quite good at quickly severing my ties with any part of canon I don't like because I'm always rewriting canon in my head, but there's always a period of time directly after canon I don't like happens on screen where I'm just annoyed and upset (a mourning period, if you like) where just telling myself "it's only canon if you decide it's canon" just doesn't cut it. I think I'm still feeling that for the Loki show right now, even though I'm not really venting about it that much here.

I don't know whether or not this is something you can relate to, but if you can I think it's worth remembering that it's been very little over a week since the last episode aired (and they've only just released the behind the scenes stuff), so the wounds are still fresh. The choice is whether or not you leave them to heal on their own or try to bandage them up right now.

Ultimately, I can't tell you what to do, they're your wounds after all. All I can say is that I hope you decide to do whatever you think will be best for your mental health. And if it's something that's playing on your mind so much it's making you feel low throughout your day-to-day life, I think that's definitely when you should take a breather and step back from trying to create something for a little while. If visiting your plans/drafts for your fic ruins your day, take a step back.

Fic writing is, first and foremost, about enjoyment, and when it stops being about that then that's a sign you need to put on the breaks. And it really is only putting on the breaks, not stopping entirely. I don't think you should give up on your fic entirely. If you've got your plans written up (even if it's a very rough word vomit on a google doc or a mindmap or timeline drawn on a piece of scrap paper) then you can store that away for later when the wounds hurt a lot less.

Basically, don't feel pressured to write, but don't feel pressured to give up everything you've been working on just because you're not writing right now. I promise that fic will still be there waiting for you when you've taken the time to process whatever needs processing. Worst comes to absolute worst, you end up realizing later that you didn't enjoy this story that much after all, but recycle the ideas you had for it into other fic ideas that do bring you joy! (Not saying that'll happen, but it's not a bad thing if it does!)

If it's not something you feel you have to immediately take a step back from, however, I'd encourage you to give writing a first draft for the chapter/scene you're most excited about a go (even if it's a scene that's, like, halfway through the story). Don't set yourself any goals, don't try to reach a wordcount or write for a certain amount of hours a day or get it finished by a certain time or whatever - just write what you can write in whatever timeframe it ends up taking. If you find yourself enjoying the process, keep plodding along. If you realize it's still upsetting you, stop and take a break and don't feel bad about it.

(Also I'd say don't watch the show while you're writing, especially if that's the something you've noticed is making you feel shitty. If you're trying to keep it close to canon for certain parts of the story, try to work off of what you can remember without rewatching - you can always come back and tweak it, and what you write will probably end up being more interesting working from memory too!)

Again, I'm really sorry that the show made you feel shitty about something you love so much. I really hope the show doesn't ruin your love for Loki in the long run and the wounds heal after a while. You deserve that comfort character. Even if you're not in the right place to hear it right now, it's only canon if you decide it's canon. They can't make us accept their version of canon if we don't want to (and we have better ideas anyway)!

Whatever you decide to do, don't let it be a detriment to your mental wellbeing. I'm sure whatever you end up writing in the long run will be terrific and you'll be proud of it. Hope you have a wonderful day too, sweet nonny, and I'm rooting for you no matter what you end up doing 🥺💕

[the-stoned-priestess]

Hi! Can I get a reading on my life within the next 1 year? N , aquarius

Within three months.

If you take on a spiritual teacher, you can heal or expect to start healing with their classes, sessions, advice, seminars or even blog posts. Of course this relies heavily on your desire to learn. A tree can't grow without seeds without patients seeds cannot grow.

The focus is on a bunch of experiences with special energy directed toward interpersonal relationships, communications, participation, short or long distance trips, and/or the quest for Enlightenment.

You'll feel you want to quit or give up.

You will let no one get the upper hand or put you in a vulnerable position. Or, you will decide to assert yourself.

Produce the best you are capable of as effectively as you can and don’t try to live up to a conception of how you think you should be or what anyone else thinks, for that matter.

You were going to try to practice a philosophical or metaphysical approach. Be more open or involved with others, and as a result, you’ll find the way a lot easier.

Within six months.

You’re either think of or decide to start exercising or taking care of your outward appearance.

The focus will shift to on hopes, wishes, and aspiration’s; Verification and tangible results; compassion for or assistance to mankind; Finance in profit.

You will want to establish yourself to yourself period to find your center or place where you belong, and for words or ideas to come to light.

You’ll be confused as to which way to turn any personal dilemma.

You will feel as if you’re compelled to follow a dream that will never come to pass or materialize.

You will be disheartened by a quest that looks impossible to attain. Can’t have and can’t let go.

Clarify your objectives and when faced with a circumstance you previously would have vent under, recognize it as an opportunity to be at cause instead of effect and press through it.

Within nine months.

You will be called upon to be in a leadership position or you will start to take charge of your life.

The focus will be on new beginnings, manifesting desires, houses or property, finance, and future.

You will want to begin something new, to do, act, or go forth, and or are hoping for a miracle in your life or affairs.

You will be struggling to assert yourself or your work, but that is going to change dramatically.

You’re going to have trouble maintaining a consistent attitude.

You will be disappointed because your romantic desires will be unfulfilled at this time, or you will have problems related to the sale of an item. Don’t worry, it’s not going to last.

The result will be up to you. Everything depends entirely upon your intention, and desire, or how much you want it.

Within twelve months.

You will come into your own natural energy healing abilities or will benefit from the help of another.

The focus is going to shift on moving ahead with anticipation in spite of fear, doubt, or confusion; Making decisions; And aligning yourself with supportive or responsive friends.

You will want to move ahead without restriction, and want a lover or romance.

You will help others with their problems, but will feel that you are being drained, or in need of a transfusion, and could use a little bit of help and support yourself.

Your emotions will be a mixture of confusion, excitement, worry, and hope.

You will be successful in implementing new ideas, motivating or helping those in need, and attracting the romantic advances or an admirer or two.

Allow others to help you and don’t be afraid to take a chance.

There is going to be a temporary delay in your plans because of unforeseen obstacles, and you will be forced to make some changes in your game plan before you can go forth.